*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/wally1950/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/7
Review Requests: OFF
615 Public Reviews Given
907 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 3 4 5 6 -7- 8 9 ... Next
151
151
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I know virtually nothing about poetry so I'll only speak to the message.

I believe that "We the people" can say "yes we can" when it comes to setting America back on track, but "We the people" must never again become so complacent as to simply turn our lives over to any elected official.

You ask, where are the checks and balances? Where? Congress was set up to work with the President, not for the President. The thing that I least understand is how so many in Congress, whose main goal is to be reelected, are willing to circle the drain in support of Obama's agenda.


We must educate the masses, there is too much at steak... (steak - stake)

Wally
152
152
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (3.5)
There is much improvement in chapter two. It needs a lot of work, but the readability is much better.


*

Watch the lowercase i. There are two in the fourth paragraph, one in the third.

*

" Drawde nice to finally meet you in person, but your making a big mistake coming here and trying to take Emeralds and Khaos' powers with me here to stop you." Ruin said

" O, see thats why I came with backup meet Araik, Lust, Vlad, Jade, and Nathan." Drawde said. As he introduced his clan they took there hoods off.



With a slight nod, Ruin said, "Drawde; so we finally meet. You do know you’re making a big mistake coming here, intending to take Emerald’s and Khaos' powers, with me here to stop you."

"Oh! See, that’s why I came with backup; meet Araik, Lust, Vlad, Jade, and Nathan." As Drawde introduced his clan they removed their robes. (Oh! - Oh? - I can't tell if this should be an exclamation or question. I used the ! as: Oh yeah, that's what you think Bub!)

(This might be the way I would re-write these two paragraphs on the first edit. The second, third or fourth? Who knows. Always read your work over several times. See if there is a word you want to change or a phrase that works better. Try to avoid "said" when you can, they start to stick out. When you can let the reader see the action. How does Ruin greet Drawde?)

*

Point of view keeps changing back and forth, beginning here. It becomes confusing. We don't know that POV has changed until finding "Drawde said" or "David asked."

As a multitude of white flashs went out through the house it slowly became empty. Suddenly footsteps were heard through out the house." So, the good guys split up interesting. Vlad and Jade go find David and Artemis and distract them. Lust and Nathan go kill Nick and Justin. And me and Araik will find the headquaters." Drawde said.

(Suggest an asterisk here to let the reader know of the POV change.)

" Are you sure we took the right passage?" David asked.

(In a way, it's like the old radio westerns announcing a scene change. "Meanwhile back at the ranch.")

*

Me and Christian will go to our headquaters with Emerald and Khaos. (This is dialog so I can't say with certainty whether "Me and Christian" is an error or the way Ruin speaks. "Me and ole Shep went down to the river and done us some fishin'." I see Ruin as being more formal, but he is your character. - Me will go to our headquarters... - I will go to our headquarters... - Christian and I will go to our headquarters...)

*

" Are you sure we took the right passage?" David asked.

(Descriptions become very sketchy from here to the end. I suggest filling this out. How long have they searched? What do the passages look like? Were they frightened or maybe frustrated?)

(Start filling out your characters. Right now they are only names in the story.)

*

When you edit or post, make sure to check "Preserve Spacing" to avoid spacing more than once between paragraphs.


Nothing more than my opinions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
153
153
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (3.0)
It's hard to know from the first chapter just where the story goes, but it does introduce a number of characters. It has a touch of Highlander, but with vampires, Perfects and Angelics.

*

it was a stormy night in the town of west point and Emerald was fast asleep.Suddenly there was loud noise, Emerald jumped up and went to see what the problem was, when he got to the stairs he saw a man standing at the end of the stairs."Who are you and why are you in my house?" asked Emerald."Im the angel of death, but you can call me Ruin."Emerald started to walk down the stairs when in a flash of light ruin was gone. Emerald thought to himself, why the angel of death would be visiting him. He then walked back up the steps and went to sleep. The next morning he woke up to the horrific screams of his girlfreind. Emerald came dashing down the stairs and ran into the kitchen almost knocking down Khaos."Whats wrong? Are you ok?" Emerald panted." I walked in to the house a few minutes ago and when i came in a guy in a black hooded robe was standing directly at the end of the stairs, and when i asked him who he was he said Ruin then a flash of light came and he was gone." Khaos screached." Funny, I saw the same person last night he said he was the angel of death, but what would he want with us?" Emerald said.

From the above:

it - It (First word in the story.)
girlfreind - girlfriend
screached - screeched
i - I (twice)
ruin - Ruin (proper name)
Im - I'm

We all make a few typos or other writing errors from time to time. This story has several. I suggest editing.

*

The story is difficult to read. Break it into readable paragraphs.

The first lines. Your words with a little editing.

It was a stormy night in the town of West Point and Emerald was fast asleep. Suddenly there was loud noise, Emerald jumped up and went to see what the problem was, when he got to the stairs he saw a man standing at the end of the stairs. "Who are you and why are you in my house?" asked Emerald.

"I’m the angel of death, but you can call me Ruin."

Emerald started to walk down the stairs when in a flash of light Ruin was gone. Emerald thought to himself, why the angel of death would be visiting him. He then walked back up the steps and went to sleep. The next morning he woke up to the horrific screams of his girlfriend. Emerald came dashing down the stairs and ran into the kitchen almost knocking down Khaos. "What’s wrong? Are you ok?" Emerald panted.

"I walked in to the house a few minutes ago and when I came in a guy in a black hooded robe was standing directly at the end of the stairs, and when I asked him who he was he said Ruin then a flash of light came and he was gone." Khaos screeched.

"Funny, I saw the same person last night he said he was the angel of death, but what would he want with us?" Emerald said.

*

Don't let your story get lost in errors. Make the story as easily readable as possible. If you can't get the reader to read to the last word, you won't know how well received it is.

Nothing but my opinions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
154
154
Review of Epitaph (Edited)  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Very good. I enjoyed your story. Where do heroes come from? This one seems to be a marginally flawed person with a sense of duty. I've tried to see this man and came to the conclusion that his last piece of dialog fits perfectly.


It likely possessed a certain mass, x, coupled with a specific thermal transfer efficiency, y, which, when factored into the desired operating temperature, T, and pressure, p, made it the obvious choice to keep the propulsion system from turning this whole project into one big molten asteroid. (x, y, T, p - I don't know how these would fit into a formula, but as written suggest: ...a certain mass(x), coupled...transfer efficiency (y) - temperature (T), and...) (Personally, I would change x to m.)

*

Just a couple things to look at:

This was a rote task, and mind wandered again. (and HIS mind)

He fumbled for a bottle in the repair kit. After a few seconds his found it. (his - he)


Nothing more than my opinions.

Wally
155
155
Review of The House  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (3.5)
The story is easily readable. I like the idea of a haunted house constantly changing into complex mazes. It seems that the interior is not spacially relative to the outside, a forth floor simply comes into being. A great many things to be explored.

You bring up many things, the TV, the orbs, invisible body, the growling, gurgling sound, but never explore any of them. By the end I wanted to know of these things, but never found out anything about them.


*

Elaborate beds and furniture that look like the belong in a castle. (...look like THEY belong... The only typo I noticed.)

*

What I noticed most is that he story is written in the present tense. Some examples where tenses become mixed:

The house looks like any ordinary three story house from the outside, but the inside is very different. In fact, the inside is where all the weird things will happen. (Written in present tense it cannot be known that weird things will happen.)

As I walk inside, the first floor looks as normal as any house. (With the action taking place in the now, consider not using AS and THEN.)

It is on the second and third floors where I will find myself in trouble. (Again - "I will find" switches from present to future.)

As I lay there the blankets start to move next to me. They lift up as if someone else was getting into bed. (As I lay there - This moves into the past. - I lie here. The blankets move. They lift up...)

The noise becomes defining, and the volume does not work. Then out of nowhere, they stop. (Then puts the previous sentence in the past. It is the thing that happens next. - The noise is becoming defining. The volume control does not work. Out of nowhere, they stop)

I go into several rooms. Many rooms are bedrooms. Some rooms are empty. Others simply look like someone had fun with a sledgehammer. (Sometimes it is necessary to tell of something that had happened. - Having gone into several rooms, I find many are bedrooms, some are empty, others simply look...)

When writing in the present, the character and the reader have to keep pace. The character cannot know what will happen. Writing in present tense is an effective way to tell a mystery, but it is also the hardest to maintain.

Nothing more than my opinions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
156
156
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I thought you did a good job presenting your opinions. I think if I had to be put into a category it would probably be conservative though I usually think of myself as rational and generally attempt to study both sides before making any conclusions. I don't believe I am a soulless sociopath, but probably wouldn't admit it if I were.

Unfortunatly, we seldom get a complete story. It is always one side and blame. It doesn't matter which media we listen to. You didn't list this under the Opinion genre, but it is certainly your opinions you've written. As such most of this review is a counterpoint to your citings.

*

The piece is clearly written. I found it easily readable.

Just a few missed words here and there. A couple places I noticed:

...games with the lives of American People desperately in need of help. (People here should probably be lowercase.)

...are filing motions Senate will need to vote on before the final vote is taken. (motions the Senate)

...and don’t know where the money for children’s next meal is coming from. (money for their children's)

This soulless maneuvering after nearly three months of stalemate. (Fragment - suggest - maneuvering comes after)

*

Why have the Republicans stalled all this time? Because extending unemployment benefits would not be funded and would increase an already bloated budget deficit by $34 billion dollars.

Both sides play the same game when it comes to the facts. Choose your side then only tell one side of the story. Smear the other side if you can.


From Scripps Howard News Service, Monday, July 26, 2010:

GOP opponents of extending the benefits complained that doing so would add to the deficit, (That is the first half of the sentence. People need the benefits. - Your line: "There's no debate in the Senate about whether we should pass a bill -- everyone agrees that we should," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.).) (Now the rest of the sentence.) and they did succeed in forcing the Democrats into dropping some costly related measures from the bill, including $24 billion in aid to the states.

The original bill would have been at least $58 billion, not $34 billion. The article doesn't say what the "related costs" might be. One might ask what related costs there are when the intent of the bill is to write unemployment checks for six more months.

One thing you did not mention is that the bill is retroactive for those who lost benefits when the money ran out in June.

*

If these mutants are so damn concerned about deficits, why do keep removing revenue streams from government coffers? Why keep lowering taxes on those who CAN most afford to withstand an increase? Why did Exxon/Mobile pay ZERO federal income tax in 2009? No federal income tax on a $45.2B profit.

I assume you've done your homework so take this as fact. The thing I find difficult to understand is that liberal thinking is "take from the rich and give to the poor" or more likely "take from the rich, give to the government and after squandering half the money pass it on to the poor."

Taking from Small Business can be done. It either drives them out of business or they belt-tighten. The number one cost to any company is labor. If you are small business, where can you cut?

Big Business is a whole different thing. What if we tax Exxon/Mobile $11.3 billion? That's only 25%. Will Exxon/Mobile tighten belts? Yes, they will, yours and mine. They never have and they never will pay one penny in taxes. It might show up on the books, but that $11.3 billion comes out of price increases to the consumer.

Not long ago, started in the Bush adminstration, finished in Obama's, Congress decided it was time the evil Tobacco Industry should be taxed to provide child healthcare. It had widespread support except for those who smoke.

Roll Your Own tobacco went from $14 per pound to $38 per pound. A tax increase of $24 per pound. What did those companies do? Figuring they might as well get in on the action they raised their price an additional $4, making the cost $42. Cigarettes are now $5 to $7 per pack. Some would say, "If you don't like the price then quit smoking." And some would also say, "If you don't like paying $6 a gallon for gasoline then quit driving." Who gets hit hardest?

*

There is, in my opinion, something horribly amiss when a budget deficit is a concern when the money is intended to help America’s neediest people, but not a problem when it’s used to kill people.

This, in part, I agree with. I don't know why we spend so much money on trying to save countries whose people have no desire to save themselves. But that may be the conservative in me coming out.

*

Absolutely nothing more than my opinions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
157
157
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
An interesting idea. I am already considering where you might go with the story. There seems be be quite a lot of possibilities. Easily readable.


*
Spelling and grammar are not a problem. (can not - cannot) is one of the few missed words. Punctuation errors are mostly a space between the last word in a phrase and the comma.

Easy to fix. Many places where possessive and plural is mixed.
...he releases an arrow watching as it hit’s it’s mark...(as it hits its mark)

The bandits took one look at their leaders body... (leaders body - leader's body)

“It’s all right child.” His mothers voice... (mothers voice - mother's voice)

*

(the story begins in present tense)
Canton sits in the brush watching a beautiful...
Canton lifts his bow aiming for the animals head, he releases an...
He watches his village from...

(from here the story is written in past tense)

He closed his eyes praying to the spirits for guidance. (this sentence has both. - He closes his eyes, praying to the spirits for guidance. - He closed his eyed and prayed to the spirits for guidance.)

...he bellowed as she bit his hand.

I would pick one and try to stay with it, probably past since it is easier to maintain. Not a big issue to me.

*

The date is October 12, 1809. Of course I don't know where the story takes place. It may be on a planet other than Earth and history on that planet may not be at all like ours, but from the opening it feels like our 1809 and Canton is a Native American. Much of the dialog seems to be consistant with a period and culture.

“People of Sleeping Bear Tribe, a miracle has been given this day.” Willow turned to her people. “The spirits have blessed us. Now we must do what is needed for our wounded, and find those that are lost in the forest. I will return.” With this she walked away.

Willow stays in character. At times Canton also seems to fit into this time and place, other times he does not.

At least I was able to save some from what that bastard had planned. He thought to himself.

“I guess I could use some clothes.” He tried to laugh. “I don’t have a clue what happened to mine.”

“They are beautiful, just like you Mama.” He hugged her. (Canton calls his father "Father" and his mother "Mama."


“A couple of homes were destroyed, three men were killed, and there are a few still missing.” Sadness clouded John’s eyes. (Who is John? Actually I know John is Canton's father but the name appears only once.) (It seems that John should speak in the more formal tone you've set for Willow.

Canton, Willow, Sun, Furian and John?

I would try to make everything consistant.

Nothing more than my opinions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
158
158
Review of Down and Defeated  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.0)
I don't know where you are going, but you have given us a glimpse of Max, Michael, mom and dad. Well done. Easily readable. The first chapter can't make the book, but it can kill it. This is a good one. It makes me want to turn the page.


Just a couple things you might want to look at:
His thoughts came to a holt, knowing what torment was to come. (holt - halt)

Mike had a careful attitude and never seemed to let anything bother him. (careful - carefree)

“Dinners ready!” shouted Max’s dad from downstairs. (Dinners - Dinner's ready! / Dinner is ready!))

If more is to come I will read.

Wally
159
159
Review of Space Giant  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
My first thought was to let this one go without comment. It is your first post and I don't know if you are serious about writing. Assuming that you are, I decided to review this story. With respect, this is the way I see it.

There are logic errors. There is a problem with the date. Except for the date all numbers should be spelled out.

The real problem is that with all the mispellings, missing or wrong words and overall sloppiness of the piece it is unlikely many will read to the bottom of the page. My only suggestion is that you clean it up and re-post.

Only my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
160
160
Review of Prologue  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.5)
I always enjoy this kind of story. An idea and the essentials. Just point me in the right direction. Well done.


A couple things you might want to look at.

A barely discernable glow emanated from the array of instrument as all... (array of instrument(S) - actually I think instrument array flows a little better.)

Harlan Ellison, an early twentieth century science fiction write once said... (fiction write)

Just opinions and suggestions.

Wally
161
161
Review of Wishes  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Well written, fast paced. Certainly original.

*

If you are finished your dinner then clear your dishes and complete... (If you are finished your...)

“But why would you hide who your true self? (?) (But why would you hide who you are? - But why would you hide your true self? - Looks like this sentence has been changed and needs more editing.)

*

There is no love, no accomplishment, and no pride from completing a tough task. No nothing. Just greed and forced happiness.” I believed it to. (I believed it TOO.) (I read this through a few times. I keep reading a pause between No and nothing. It could be attached to the previous sentence but I like it better as: No...nothing.)

“Maybe leaving would be better. I don’t think there is love in The Outside World, but I do believe that there is love here.” He turned to me as I started to argue back. “Here, let me show you.” (The second sentence contradicts the first. suggestion: "Maybe leaving would be better, but I don't think there is love in the Outside World. I do believe there is love here.")

*

I knew my mom would be out of the house for a few days, I also knew she had wished for wine a few days ago when she was entertaining guests. It was the perfect plan. I rang Steven on his phone at lunch,
(Fiona knows her mother had wished for wine.)

“Fiona, no wait-” I hung up on him before he could finish his sentence. I had already finished half a bottle of wine.
(Fiona is drinking wine.)

“Come inside with me.” I followed him inside and walked straight over to the coolers. I held one out to Steven and he rejected it. I happily drank my own.
(Coolers could be something to keep drinks cool, but "I held one out to Steven" says coolers are "wine coolers". Possibly Fiona had finished the bottle of wine or discarded it for a "cooler.")

“I didn’t order the wine. That must have been my mom’s. The wish just got delayed. Oh well. May as well drink that too.” I reached for a pink bottle of Chardonnay.
(Fiona knew her mother had wished for the wine. We know she drank at least a half bottle of wine. This could have been a bottle already in the house or it could have been from the mother's earlier wish. The new bottle(s) could be from another wish. This is not quite a logic problem in the story, but it does require at least some explaination.)

*

I read this story then walked away to think about it. It struck me as an excellent storyline and quite original. I believe authors present the story as complete; it is the story they want to tell. I seldom make suggestions asking for the story to be lengthened. This is one time I do make that suggestion.

As I see it:

Two classes. Those who have every material thing they want and those who supply those things. One class you named as Outsiders. I'll call the other Insiders.

The Insiders are the ultra-rich, but with a significant twist; they have no wealth, only entitlement. They don't even have competition among themselves. My ten million mansion is better than your five million mansion. If you want a bigger mansion, just wish for it. I see the Insiders as constantly searching for something to give their lives meaning. The fear of having to work is the only thing keeping this class alive. Every person is born as an Insider, only cast Outside by their anti-Insider behaviour.

The Outsiders produce everything and provide every service. They are the growers, the factory workers, the builders and the trash collectors.

A third group is needed, the Controllers. The Controllers are driven only by power.

*

I love short stories. I enjoy nothing more than reading a well constructed tale woven around an idea. Usually, I want the story with minimum descriptions, just those things I need to know. I'll be glad to fill in my own details. I think most short stories can be written in three or four thousand words at the most. I believe this story almost demands more.

Please consider or disregard. You are the author and these are only my opinions and suggestions. Please make of them what you will.

The story is facinating to me. Whatever you decide to do, know that I enjoyed it.

Wally
162
162
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Animals or near animals and humans or near humans working through a maze is a new twist. The story takes shape but, its shape is becoming similar to several already done. Be careful to add your own flavor into the mix.

The story resumes with the second paragraph. Is the first paragraph something belonging elsewhere?

(From the viewpoint of Tom Jeffrey) (If I were to subtitle here I would probably make it just (Tom Jeffrey)


the man checked his watch "your rather late what took you so long?" he said with... (The man checked his watch. You're rather late. What took you so long?" He said with... - A little editing is needed throughout, not much.)

The second thing that I noticed was that as well as having a handle at the usual hight, each door had a handle at a hight accessible to me. (Red flags started waving here. The first chapter led me to believe that had Robert not removed the clockwork thing he would have been turned completely into a cat, although you did not say it definitely would. The later explaination works but it might help to revisit chapter 1 and lessen the impression that the change could have been complete.)

Nothing but my opinions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
163
163
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Imaginative. I think this is quite good. Logically done. The story flows well and progresses rapidly. I enjoyed this chapter and as all good writing must do it leads me to the next.



If it weren't for Jonas, my stepbrother, I would have been completely against my mothers second marriage but the two of them were the best of friends and I refused to allow the worrying issue ruin our friendship. (mothers - mother's - throughout I saw no possessives, all were plurals.) (...allow the worrying issue TO ruin...) (the two of them were - ? - the rest of the sentence seems to say: ...but the two of us were...)

Had it been anyone else, this close to my birthday, I would be itching to find out what it was but he hadn't expected my stepfather to donate anything more than a fiver and my stepfather looked drunk and so a distant, freethinking part of my mind started to whisper to me that my father may have finally decided to carry out one of his many threats, after all he could be holding anything behind his back, a hammer, a knife, a pan or maybe even a... (...but he hadn't expected... - It looks as if you had at one time written the story in third person and missed some in edits. There are a few places where this happens.) (father)

He had a troubled look in his eyes that looked similar to what I thought a persons eyes just before they kill themselves. (persons - person's) (...what I thought a person's eyes WOULD LOOK LIKE just...) (look/looked - eyes/eyes - I would avoid repeating the words. - He looked troubled, his eyes similar to what I thought would be those of a person just before they kill themselves.)

...vanished from the mans face and had been replaced by a warm, loving smile. (mans - man's)


...believe it's gonna change everything.'' my step dad said in a gentle tone. (...change everything," my step dad...)

I couldn't get to sleep, I was just to excited. (to exited - too exited)

A leather strap came out of the top the I supposed was to go around ones neck, on the inside of the leather strap were metal discs that looked akin to electrodes. (the top the - the top that) (ones - one's)

...a whirring noise and an electric charge went into me and I crumbled to the ground momentarily. (consider replacing crumbled)

Suggestions:

POV - Edit. A few places switch to third person. As I said above, this looks like some were missed from a previous draft.

Possessives - None seen. All were plurals: mothers second marriage, persons eyes, mans face

For consideration:

Give the stepfather a name. All of the "my stepfather'(s) stand out. Robert's dislike of his stepfather would give sufficient reason for calling him by his first name. I would highlight the dislike even though I got the impression that the stepfather came along at a time in Robert's life that calling him by his name would be natural.

Nothing more than my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
164
164
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.5)
A subject I have never considered. Probably not one that I will ever explore, but I feel anytime I might gain a little knowledge is time well spent. I will, most likely, retain a few nuggets of information. For that, I am grateful.


Most scientists into three groups organize venomous snakes: (I would probably say: Most scientists organize venomous snakes into three groups: - that's probably the way I would say it, but I can't really say more than it caught my attention.)

Through all of these confusing and incomplete relationships, haw did venom appear in the first place? (haw - how)

Wally
165
165
Review of The Big Bang  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (5.0)
Terrific. I don't know how I missed this one so long.

"Are we there yet?" Very well done story around the prompt.

Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. From my experience, everything that can go wrong probably already has gone wrong; I just haven't found out about it yet.

I have nothing to offer. This a great story. Not one word changed, added or subtracted would I make.

Wally
166
166
Review of The Last Cynthia  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Well written. A very easy read. I've read this theme several times but I don't know that anyone has done it better. It is short, simple and complete. A very good job. I enjoyed this.


Nothing to offer except pointing out a few typos.

And I think she's starting to love me. In all the world's I've been to... (world's - worlds)

Several me's in fact. (me's - mes (what a horrible looking word) maybe it is me' or as in deer, just deer)

One is funnier then me and another can play the guitar. (then - than)

I've gatherd funny me and musical me, and a dozen... (gatherd - gathered)

Only my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
167
167
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well done. Very readable. Logic was never compromised throughout the piece. I felt I knew where you were going from the beginning. For me, it was a case of how were you going to get there. Nice job, very well thought out plot.



A gust of wind picked at the few strands of snow-white hair on the woman’s head and tried to lift off the tattered straw hat that covered the man’s almost bald head. (I would probably try to not use HEAD twice. - suggestion, something like: A gust of wind picked at the few strands of the woman's snow-white hair and tried to lift...)

Their faded, colorless eyes gazed out onto the drought-stricken land before them. (This I mention, because it catches my attention every time and I admit it may be nothing more than my pet peeve. Eyes gazed, eyes looked, ears heard, nose smelled, well, I think you know what I mean. In your sentence, it could be a problem getting in faded and colorless without eyes gazing unless you make it "They gazed." Only a consideration: Through faded, colorless eyes, they gazed at the drought-stricken...)

We have to give life to the earth and to the water. So that we can continue to live here.” (fragment. suggestion: ...earth and to the water, so that we...)

The sun seared its rays down onto the small desert homestead with a deadly passion. (Again, for consideration only: The sun's rays seared the small desert homestead with a deadly passion.)

Tumbleweeds were piled against the fences that didn’t protect anything. (Nothing wrong, but it could be a little clearer and add to showing the changes that have taken place. - consider something like: Tumbleweeds were piled against the fences that no longer protect anything.)

Oh, well, maybe some city fool would be stupid enough to want to get away from the fast life and buy a place way out here. In the desert boondocks. (fragment. - ...out here, in the desert boondocks.)

The wind swirled around the car, wining and crying, flinging large particles... (typo - wining - whining)

...chimisa, and one lone pinon tree tried to drive their roots deeper into the sand and caleche clay that the desert soil consisted of. (of - I try to not end a sentence with "of" unless it is in dialog I think this is the way the character would say it. Switching the sentence may make it seem a little too formal to you, so this again is only for consideration: ....into the sand and caleche clay of which the desert consisted.)

Was that what the old couple wanted her to sale, she wondered. (sale - sell)

...that she had come all this way to look at her little, bitty, old house and she if she could sell it... (and see if she)

...as she went in and saw the pitiful condition of the house Paint that had been white... (missing period)

The kitchen appliances where at least fifty years old. (where - were)

In fact she seemed so week, so very, very week and lethargic. How had that happened? She had never been that week before. (2 weeks - weak)

When he opened the door the sent of fresh baked bread and cakes wafted out to wonder...(sent - scent)

What was there name, wondered Ray for a moment. (there - their)


As they did they could hear the piteous moaning of the ros...(Is this: ...moaning of the rose. (?))

I thought the ending was really good, contrasting the descriptions from the opening.

By halfway through, I admit I was engrossed in the story to the point that I may have missed some minor things, typos, and the like. Many of the things I have mentioned may be chalked up to preferrence of style and I found no reason to continue listing them. In the end, it is your story to write. Write it the way you want.

Certainly, nothing more than my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
168
168
Review of A "Gay" Book...  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This was pulled from an online conversation I had with a friend of mine whose work, IN A REVIEW, had been referred to as "a Gay book masquerading as a Mystery."

I try to never argue with anyone over differences of opinion in any work that does not invite comment. As example, in a satire of government policies, I may agree or disagree with the writer's obvious stand, but that has nothing to do with how well it is written or how good the story actually is. I may write a story with an underlying religious theme, either way. It may be what I believe or possible not believe.

You list "Opinion" as one of the "Item Genres." "a Gay book masquerading as a Mystery." Expanding, it seems logical this means "Gay book and Mystery book, or Gay story and Mystery story. This would mean, "A Mystery masquerading as a Gay Book" is also possible. (?)

This is as rediculous as saying, "A Cowboy book masquerading as a Romance." A Romance novel must have a cast of characters and a setting. If I know cowboys, I may have something to say about how well the cowboys were portrayed, but putting a label on the story is senseless.

You asked for an opinion. This time, I am in agreement with you. Next? Who knows.

Wally
169
169
Review of Peripheral  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (3.5)
An interesting idea. I think there is a lot of promise for the story. The story may be funny/sad/informative/dark, it doesn't matter, without an imaginative mind driving it, it becomes nothing more than words in print.

For the bad stuff.

Regardless how good the idea may be, it needs to be presented in a way that readers can appreciate. This is the area you really need to work on, the craft of writing. Filling the page with odd or poor phrasing, logic errors and redundancy overpowers even the greatest story. Study each word, each phrase and ask yourself if this is the way I want to tell my story.



Could there be a better place to unravel? (unravel - unwind) (Sometimes it is better to go with the more common word. Although the two words may mean nearly the same thing by some definitions, they also have different meanings. Mark Twain has been credited with the quote: "The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning.")

A loud snap with thunderous vibrations shook the ground. Those sound like footsteps.
...approaching him, although its feet weren't moving. It looked like it's body was floating in mid air. (These two descriptions are at odds.)

The wind held had a chilly bite in it. (held had) (The wind had a chilly bite. - The wind held a chilly bite in it.) (A chill in the air held the promise of an early winter.)

Fall colors bursting from every crevice brought emotions from his childhood, while the old Maples let off a fragrance that gave him peace. (Fall colors bursting from every crevice brought back emotional memories of his childhood, while the old Maples gave off a fragrance that gave him peace.)

Jackson was 23 years old now and this is where he found himself. (Now twenty-three, Jackson felt far removed from his youth.)

The sky swam in an ocean of blue and fluffy white with the assistance of an Osprey here and there circling for there meal. (there meal – their meal) (The sky swam in... - from our perspective the sky is blue. The fluffy white (clouds) are in the sky.) (Fluffy white clouds swam in an ocean of blue. The occasional Osprey circled, ever searching for its next meal.)

He closed his eyes to sharpen his senses and discover more of this majestic dreamland. (He closed his eyes, heightening the experience even more. The sound of the breeze wafting through the maples, the air's crisp touch, smell and even taste gave him a sense of peace in this majestic dreamland.)

The soft churning of the brook to his lower left and the Chipmunk scurrying across the Sycamore branches. (fragment)


Your creativity brought about this story, only you can write it. Take care of the technical part and you have a very good story.

Absolutely, nothing more than my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
170
170
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Very well done. Imaginative. Great flow. Extremely well executed. I expected that by the end we would discover the world we live in, brought about by Deem's actions. Just goes to show what happens when you think too much.

A thoroughly enjoyable read.


I have nothing to offer in the way of improvement. I didn't see anything that needed it.

Only a couple questions:
chromaria (?) (A new disease? Perhaps of this reality only?)

For all the hardships of Mr. Egassis' former world chromaria was, for him, a trifle. I thus owe my life to his quick and altruistic actions that night. (From this I took it that Egassis knew/had the cure or could control the disease.)

The sickness grips me with increasing intensity and frequency, and in my few good days I am wrought with fear that I may be discovered, that chromaria may become my lasting contribution to mankind. (Here, it seems not. A little confused.)

The only ending comment I can make is: Thanks, glad you shared this.

Wally

171
171
Review of Paper World.  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.0)
As you requested.

For khaki.

First, I have little understanding of poetry and these especially short pieces are as abstract to me as is most poetry, but I'll give it a try. I just want you to know that I'm probably the least qualified person to fairly evaluate your story.

From the vale of relations, he passed helplessly. Hope faded away from his world. (I read this as: From the farewell of relations...)

Have I lived in a world with paper bonds? he inquired within. (This goes a couple ways for me. In the end I take this to mean that we only have a tenuous connection to one another.)


Turning to sky, he forced an empty smile. (I can't help but want to add THE - Turning to THE sky... That takes it over the limit. "heaven" could be used. By definition heaven could replace sky. - Turning to heaven, he forced an empty smile. - Although correct most often in this context heaven is used in the plural, which brings back THE. Since you say God in the last line, I suggest replacing sky with Heaven, the abode of God. - Turning to Heaven, he forced an empty smile.)

My take on the story is that although connections to those we love, here, on Earth, are weak, the smile from God reassures us that in God's realm those connections will never be broken.

Absolutely, nothing more than my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
172
172
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.5)
Gee, if we could harness this technology there would be enough energy generated in this world that not another drop of oil would be burned. Nicely done. A very good read.


Don't get me wrong, Joe is a good enough cat,
I had to flick my ears in frustration.
It's as though the ship herself is purring to calm us all down.
I followed this with a growl low in my throat...

At first I wondered if these might be over-strong hints to a surprise at the end. Around midpoint you told us they were cats so it seems that I was mistaken. This is only something to consider, how about concealing the identity while providing only very subtle hints to the point that they are reveiled to be cats.


This will result in a reciprocal action from thealiens... (thealiens)

The ghost crew take care of our ship until we get back.” (Written in past tense, at least in this section. suggest: take - will take)

Noticing the impending trans-leap line approacting just past that big ringed...(approacting)

...engaged and then it's a couple hundred cycles until we get to the twin stars that were our destination. (Grammatically correct but when reading is it: -stars were- or -was our destination-. This is probably nothing more than my hangup. I would change it on that basis, but another point is that their final destination never changed. In this case I would probably delete "that were our destination" for that reason alone.)


Nothing more than my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
173
173
Review of The Timepiece  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.0)
Well done. No problem staying interested in this one. The writing is chrisp and even. The dialog worked exceptionally well. I think I know these people.


As a draft I include only those things that really stood out to me. All below are either questions or areas for you to look at.

He never knew when he would get another hot meal as this one. (?)

Her hair had fallen over her face in sandy strands and locks.
She snatched up the pitcher and slung around, her long braid slapping the back of her back as she marched from the room. (I suppose it's possible. It's just that I can't picture how the girl has her hair fixed so that she has a long braid slapping her back and hair falling over her face.)

She began to collect the filthy platters. “Father,” she said tightly. “They have to rest in their condition.” (I'm sure they had bits of food on them, maybe really messy, but filthy seems a little too strong for describing dirty dishes.)

Mr. Topper thrust the boy into one of the wooden room. (room - rooms)

“You know what I mean,” Mr. Topper snapped. “You and I…” he lowered his voice and glanced around to make sure no one was listening before leaning. “We are from the future.” (The most revealing lines in the story. It caught me a bit by surprise. Very good.) (One thing though: ...listening before leaning. (?) LEANING?)


Nothing more than my observations and suggestions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
174
174
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well written. Crisp. You wrote an interesting story around the prompt. Well done.

Read for entertainment value only I like it and enjoyed the story. The suggestions and comments below are only things that, under other circumstances, I would hardly notice, but commenting is part of the job.


“Captain, our last laser won’t be operational for six hours minimum. We are down to maneuvering with thrusters. Our main engines are offline indefinitely. We’re adrift.”

“I suggest we maneuver to get in a last shot. Our laser banks will be fully charged.” (They are adrift. Perhaps not quite. Maybe some repairs have been made. - see next comment) (The laser won't be operational for 6 hours, but there is no indication that this much time has passed.)

“Besides our canons aren’t very effective on their hull.” (...aren't very effective ON their hull. Absolutely nothing more than a suggestion. - “Besides our canons aren’t very effective against their hull plating.” “Besides our canons can't do more than dent their hull.” Something other than ON. To me it sticks out a little.)

Nothing more than my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
175
175
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
After reading one of your stories I had to check out another.

Geesh. I think I've had conversations like this. You do humor very well. The dialog is great.

The ending let me down a little. I really don't have a suggestion except that I think it should end in total frustration.

Nothing more than my opinion, please make of it what you will.

Wally
207 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 9 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/wally1950/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/7