First off, I enjoyed your story. It did my heart good that Carl held out against all the attempts of his captors to make him talk. Imaginative and for the most part flowed logicially.
But what if he talked? Then he would have ruined everything. Carl grimaced and anxiously twisted his fingers together. He knew something that he shouldn't know. It had happened two weeks ago when he was working the ship's e-com. The other operator had accidentally, Carl knew it must have been an accident, sent some information that should never have been sent. Information that was simply too sensative and too precious to be allowed into the head of a foot soldier. His commander had almost shot him on the spot when Carl had told him what the transmission had contained. Carl remembered staring down the barrel of the gun in shock, struggling to deal with the fact that at any moment his life could just, end. It had been a moment of blind, panicked fear, even more than their more recent surrender. Yet in the end the officer had spared Carl in an uncharacteristic fit of mercy.
Carl, a private was working the ship's e-com.
The other operator seems to mean Carl was an operator as well.
The other operator knew the codes and sent them to someone he should not have sent them to.
Carl accidently gained access to the codes.
Carl told his commander that he knew the codes.
Instead of shooting Carl, the commander sent him, with knowledge of critical information, into a situation where he could be captured.
Why? I find this to be a plausibility problem. I think this paragraph could be re-written to logically explain how a foot soldier gained such knowledge and still was a part of the captured 14th land occupation team. Maybe nothing more than not telling his commander, but there's still the problem of why was he ever in a position to learn the codes.
A few commas could be added here and there, but nothing that causes the reader to stumble.
A few typos I noticed:
It was not that he was mentally crippeled, it was just that had never really been good at anything. (crippeled - crippled) (just that HE had)
Despite the obstacles his genetics had created for him he done good for his people. (he done good. - Here, I'm uncertain. Is this one of Carl's thoughts?)
Yet in the end the officer had spared Carl in an uncharacteristic fit of mercy. (fit - fit of rage, fits - fit of mercy, doesn't seen to fit - show of mercy, maybe or something along that line. I just don't know how throwing a fit results in mercy.)
And worse his captures knew it, that had been made clear... (captures - captors)
never, ever say those codes out loud, not matter what happened...
The lady pursed her lips and said with just the barest hint of impatient, "I am not... (impatient - impatience)
Mark trail 3.13 as a failure and prepare for reset. (trail - trial)
Carl stared at the scenes before him in shock, the person in them was most defiantly him. (defiantly - definitely)
The woman stood up, he eyes flashing with anger above the images... (he - her)
...but honestly I think you are just to f****** stupid to accept the evidence we placed before... (to - too f**)
She shook her how head. "How could we have foreseen that?" (She shook her how head.)
Nothing more than my opinions and observations. Please make of them what you will.
First off, I enjoyed your story. It did my heart good that Carl held out against all the attempts of his captors to make him talk. Imaginative and for the most part flowed logicially.
But what if he talked? Then he would have ruined everything. Carl grimaced and anxiously twisted his fingers together. He knew something that he shouldn't know. It had happened two weeks ago when he was working the ship's e-com. The other operator had accidentally, Carl knew it must have been an accident, sent some information that should never have been sent. Information that was simply too sensative and too precious to be allowed into the head of a foot soldier. His commander had almost shot him on the spot when Carl had told him what the transmission had contained. Carl remembered staring down the barrel of the gun in shock, struggling to deal with the fact that at any moment his life could just, end. It had been a moment of blind, panicked fear, even more than their more recent surrender. Yet in the end the officer had spared Carl in an uncharacteristic fit of mercy.
Carl, a private was working the ship's e-com.
The other operator seems to mean Carl was an operator as well.
The other operator knew the codes and sent them to someone he should not have sent them to.
Carl accidently gained access to the codes.
Carl told his commander that he knew the codes.
Instead of shooting Carl, the commander sent him, with knowledge of critical information, into a situation where he could be captured.
Why? I find this to be a plausibility problem. I think this paragraph could be re-written to logically explain how a foot soldier gained such knowledge and still was a part of the captured 14th land occupation team. Maybe nothing more than not telling his commander, but there's still the problem of why was he ever in a position to learn the codes.
A few commas could be added here and there, but nothing that causes the reader to stumble.
A few typos I noticed:
It was not that he was mentally crippeled, it was just that had never really been good at anything. (crippeled - crippled) (just that HE had)
Despite the obstacles his genetics had created for him he done good for his people. (he done good. - Here, I'm uncertain. Is this one of Carl's thoughts?)
Yet in the end the officer had spared Carl in an uncharacteristic fit of mercy. (fit - fit of rage, fits - fit of mercy, doesn't seen to fit - show of mercy, maybe or something along that line. I just don't know how throwing a fit results in mercy.)
And worse his captures knew it, that had been made clear... (captures - captors)
never, ever say those codes out loud, not matter what happened...
The lady pursed her lips and said with just the barest hint of impatient, "I am not... (impatient - impatience)
Mark trail 3.13 as a failure and prepare for reset. (trail - trial)
Carl stared at the scenes before him in shock, the person in them was most defiantly him. (defiantly - definitely)
The woman stood up, he eyes flashing with anger above the images... (he - her)
...but honestly I think you are just to f****** stupid to accept the evidence we placed before... (to - too f**)
She shook her how head. "How could we have foreseen that?" (She shook her how head.)
Nothing more than my opinions and observations. Please make of them what you will.
I don't think I've read a story like this before. Original. Way beyond plastic surgery. Finally we can give in to gluttony with no conscquences. Maybe not that farfetched.
Internally, his spinal unit had released its tensioners as the artificial disks in the unit inflated slightly for added comfort.
This line and others gave me a good look at Benedict. I could see him wobbling, inflating, straightening as his systems adjusted. The image of a bus's air suspension inflating and deflating passed by. Don't know why.
Well done. Easy read. There's not much more to say. Nothing I saw that could be improved.
An interesting plot. Is this fantasy world merely a dream, a reality discovered by the subconscience or a world made real by the power of dreaming? We are all islands unto ourselves. What would it be like to truely know another person?
I look at things such as phrasing to be mostly a matter of choice. Your story is easily readable. I didn't notice any typos. There are only a few things that I will suggest.
I was absorbing too much facts and information for this “dream” to be just a... (I know it's too much {facts and information} but the sentence is an eye catcher. - I was absorbing too many facts and too much information for...(in a way redundant. - suggest - I was absorbing too much information for...)
Apparently, it was a chance to catch the sight of a very rare Gold. (catch the sight - suggest - catch sight / Is it a chance to see a rare Gold or be seen by a rare Gold?)
She headed outside the building using a vehicle which looked a lot like a large turtle shell with wheels and onto a large brick firehouse; or at least it looked like a firehouse. (onto - suggest - on to)
Essie smiled at me.. us.. her, “I'll fix it.” She reached for Michelle's hand and in a flash. I woke up on my bed sweating and feeling like someone had pushed me down from the top of a four storey building.
(The extra line spacing shows that what follows takes a new direction and is a new part/chapter. Everything from this point to the end completes another part/chapter. The last line nicely closes it.)
This is not intended to be a suggestion. It has no real effect on the story. I just mention it as what I would do. There are three sections. The first paragraph is written as a short prologue, supplying information necessary to the story. Chapter 1 of the story begins with the second paragraph and ends with the multiple line spaces. Chapter 2 begins here to the end.
DAYDREAMER
Prologue
Out of Body Experience or OBE for short. It’s when...
Chapter 1
I’ve been “dreaming” about an island floating in the...
I woke up on my bed sweating and feeling like someone had pushed me down from the top of a four storey building.
Chapter 2
It was the last dream I've had for a while. Somehow, I couldn't get...
Sigh. I really want to find that island.
Certainly nothing more than my opinions, please make of them what you will.
You are easily readable. If there any technical errors I didn't see them. I've read some very good stories so muddied by bad grammar that the plot is completely lost. A big plus for you.
You asked for feedback. I am willing to do so, but it may become long and boring since the only help I can give is from my experience as a writer. I'll never call myself an author.
I wrote my first story around January 2008. I've read as long as I can remember, mostly sci-fi, occasionally horror, and once in a while something else. I've always been a short story fan, even more so in recent years, but I also enjoyed the occasional well written novel as well.
My problem was that I seemed to run out of the good stuff. Current best selling authors simply haven't been fulfilling my needs. I've read several things by Stephen King, but I am hardly a King fan. Please don't tell anyone. WC has filled much of this gap.
More out of boredom than anything, I guess, I tried to write a story with some originality. This greatly limits my output, but I see no reason to try to remake an old well done story. At this point I've written maybe a couple dozen.
I tried these out on a few family members and friends, God bless 'em, but really learned nothing about just how readable my stuff was.
I've always considered writing to be an art and having no artistic ability whatsoever I really needed the opinions of those that were. Non-artist is no exaggeration. I've read about letting your characters grow, about letting the story flow, just can't do it. My stories typically start with the end, then the beginning, followed by something in the middle. The rest of the time is spent filling out the missing parts, searching for a better word here or there and editing to an unreasonable extent. Once finished I usually hand it to my wife. "What do ya think?" That's when I learn that I've left out a word here, here and here.
The point I'm trying to make is that not everyone on this site dreams of selling their story. Some of us do it only for the enjoyment. Joy for us as writers and hopefully joy to our readers.
Take the chance. Write your story. If it's not perfect then, well, so what. Next time will be better.
I sometimes make shelves or a piece of furniture. I have always been something of a perfectionist but through years of experience I've learned that at some point you have to quit sanding on the damn thing and just paint it.
I like it. You took the "monster in the closet" story and made it new.
So many thoughts along the way. The babysitter locked in the basement. Is Johnny actually the monster? No. It could have gone that way. Glad it didn't.
The picture I was left with, the parents returning to find the closet blown to smithereens and clothes burnt to a crisp, gave me a good laugh.
A few things I noticed. Some may only be my preferrence, but you may want to look at these.
Smash! A glass bottle had fallen to the ground. (ground - floor - later you describe {lemonade bottle lying in shards on the floor...})
Something was knocking at the door. Both of them couldn't move. (Both couldn't - Neither could)
“Kill that THING!” She replied. It was her turn to look at him like he was crazy. (suggestion - delete {She replied.} The two lines say to me: "Kill that THING! Are you crazy?" I like your phrasing better. Without asking a question, looking at him like he was crazy, requires a response from Johnny. I don't see the need for She replied.)
“Well kill him or at least make sure he doesn't come back. ("Well, kill him... - OR - "We'll kill him... Slightly different meanings, but either way works for me.)
Even if he doesn't eat me, he still gets me in to trouble” ( probably INTO but prefer deleting TO - Even if he doesn't eat me, he still gets me in trouble. Sounds more like natural dialog to me.)
The weight of the monster pushed the beds springs into Johnnys back and pinned him hard to the ground. (Johnnys - Johnny's) (ground)
Slumping on to the bed beside her..(ONTO)
Nothing more than my opinions. I found your story to be imagnative and fun.
I wonder where that monster went. I wonder if Melanie will ever get another babysitting job.
Thanks. I enjoyed reading the story.
Wally
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/wally1950/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/9
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.26 seconds at 5:54am on Apr 24, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
