I was browsing the random read and reviews when I ran across your little flash fiction story. I figured I would give my thoughts on it.
The hook
You begin with the actions of the story, which helps to hook the reader. I was curious to where you were going to take the story and why the character ran away.
Dialogue
The words spoken in the quotations are done fairly well, showing the personalities in the characters, though I have a few suggestions. Instead of writing "said", "asked", etc., the story would be shown more with body language. Below is an example of what I mean.
"Why did Starbucks do that?" Asked Captain Cutlass
Suggested correction- Captain Cutlass furled his eyebrows and scowled. "Why did Starbucks do that?"
Following this advice throughout your story would help not only show the story, but it would enhance the characters.
Character Development
He felt...Strange...He felt he had arms where there were no arms before. - felt is a telling word. Try showing us how he felt. For example, "New limbs seemed to sprout from his body."
Scenery
There is plenty of scenery added into the actions of the story. We know that they are on an island with plenty of trees.
Plot
This seemed like a fictional piece with a bit of a Peter Pan and Pirates of the Caribean theme. The Science Fiction aspect kind of threw me off a bit. I'm not understanding how the character went into the Vortex.
The character turning into a fly was a nice little twist.
Mechanics
They came to the Island where there Treasure was, and Starbucks jumped from the ship. to the shore and ran into the forest.
- both treasure and Island should not be capitalized. Also, "there" should be "their". The period after "ship" needs to be removed. "toward the shore" would read better than "to the shore".
"Why did Starbucks do that?" Asked Captain Cutlass- Asked, should be lowercase, not capitalized.
"Or perhaps he wishes to have all the treasure for himself!" Said the Captain- Said should be lowercase, not capitalized.
"Perhaps he has a case of the Vapors." Said Pipsqueak the Cabin Boy - said should be lowercase, not capitalized. Vapors and cabin boy should be lowercase, and it appears you forgot a period after cabin boy.
As Captain Cutlass through the Vortex- You seem to be missing a verb here. There also needs to be a comma after the introductory phrase (after Vortex).
Captain Cutless marched into the Forest- Forest does not need to be capitalized.
Fell into the Portal into another Dimension. - Both portal and dimension need to be lowercase. They are not proper nouns.
transferring- should be transferred
"Starbucks!" Exclaimed Captain Cutlass. - Exclaimed should be lowercase, not uppercase.
He didn't feel truly real at that moment not realizing that as he was transferring to this other dimension his body was in flux, transforming to fit the other world he was heading to. - This is a run-on sentence.
He looked down and saw he did have an extra set of arms! He was covered in a dark exoskeleton and he felt a pair of gossamer wings on his shoulder blades, He immediately looked for a reflective surface,He found a clear pool of water and he screamed. - Everywhere there is a comma, there should be a period, otherwise, it is a huge run-on sentence.
The Termite heard and he fled, Captain Cutlass gave chase, on foot of course for he was not yet used to his wings, Starbucks however was more accustomed to an insect body and knew this Forest much better then Captain Cutlass he quickly outpaced his Captain when he reached Hive Central an entire town of Anthropomorphic Insects!- This is one huge runon sentence. You need to add ending punctuation and commas.
vanished into the crowds- he is only one person, hence he can only vanish into one crowd, not crowds.
Final thoughts
You would benefit from using a program like Gramarly. If you did, most of the errors here would be found. The overwhelming amount of grammar issues were distracting.
Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, the opinions here are from only one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts have been helpful. If you get around to editing, let me know so that I can up my rating according to repairs.
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