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1,223 Public Reviews Given
1,228 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I try to give reviews the way I prefer to receive them. Honesty, thoughts for improvement, and identifying strengths are aspects that I prefer from others, so I give these things in return.
I'm good at...
I can pretty much review anything, whether poetry or short stories. My favorite genres to read are horror and the odder side of fiction, but I am open to reading other genres. If I do review a genre that is not one I particularly enjoy reading, then I am most likely going to review it based on the structure, rather than the content.
Favorite Genres
I tend to gravitate toward writings in the dark genres. With short stories and novels, horror is my favorite. With poetry, I prefer writings that display raw emotions. If your writing tackles a subject that people find offensive, I might like it.
Least Favorite Genres
Christian literature, Western, and Children's. I will NOT read or review anything that consists of XGC material between minors and adults or encourages abuse as acceptable behaviors.
Favorite Item Types
Dark poetry, horror, emotional, autobiographical, erotica, psychology
Least Favorite Item Types
Horror is one of my favorites to read and write. Also, poetry that tackles intense subject matter interests me.
I will not review...
I WILL NOT review anything that encourages abuse as acceptable behavior or includes XGC material between a minor and adult. All review requests asking me to read whole novels or later chapters will be rejected. The reason being is that I can not give a fair review of chapter 3 when I have not read the chapters before that and, the time allowance when requests for reviews are made does not allow for enough time to read a whole novel.
Public Reviews
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Review of Imbolc ~  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Image for GoT




I am Warped Sanity of the White Walkers, sponsored by "The Witch's House" ! Welcome to the biggest Reviews' War on WDC, "Game of Thrones" 

First Impression
I was attracted to this by the title, since I am Pagan. Reading it I found it to be very ritualistic and beautifully written. There were a few words that I do not see often that I had to look up, such as nascent, which threw me off a little, but that is more out of my ignorance.

Flow
You stay true to your chosen rhyme scheme and syllable count, which helps with the flow. The rhyming with the first words was a very creative approach and executed well. Though, I am not really fond of the use of dumb. It seems a little forced. Also, the reversal of the subject and the prediate throws of the flow in that line.

imagery
You use all the symbolism associate with the Goddess in an eloquent way. I particularly like that last stanza. It perfectly concludes the poem, by expressing that these elements are no longer silenced. In other words, you seem to be expressing to listen to them.

Except for that little issue that I mentioned, I feel that this was an excellent poem. The delivery was creative and I could see it maybe being read during a an Imbolc ritual. The only other thing that I would suggest, but this is just a preference, is that you don't begin every line with a capital and instead just add capitalization that matches the punctuation.

Thank you for sharing your writing. I have enjoyed the read. Remember, the thoughts here, are from only one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.





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252
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
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I am Warped Sanity of the White Walkers, sponsored by "The Witch's House" ! Welcome to the biggest Reviews' War on WDC, "Game of Thrones" 

*Snow3* First Impression
This is an interesting tale that you have spun.
*Snow3* Strengths
You did well with dialogue. There is a lot of character development in the dialogue. You also utilize a lot of body language rather than overusing "he said" "she said".

The characters are interesting. I know the wife is supposed to be bad, but I couldn't help but be sympathetic. After all, she did walk in on them. Most would go at least a little crazy in such a situation.

*Snow3* Suggestions
I am a little confused by the way you used italics. It would make sense to me if you used them more so to show inner dialogue. You also switch tenses from present to past tense, which is a little confusing.

We are told in the beginning that she actually killed her husband, which takes the mystery out of the story. Maybe consider making that the punchline, but steer the reader to thinking otherwise. Maybe you could tell it from the other actresses point of view, thinking she is crazy and then finding out that she is in prison when the wife actually did it. Just a suggestion.

*Snow3* Final thoughts
The overall idea for this story is a really good one, you just need to work a little on the execution. With some editing, this will be a great story.

Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. Remember this is just the opinions of one person.It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.



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253
253
Review of Modern History  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Image for GoT




I am Warped Sanity of the White Walkers, sponsored by "The Witch's House" ! Welcome to the biggest Reviews' War on WDC, "Game of Thrones" 

*Snow3* First Impression
This was an interesting read. The fact that nobody would tell her about this mysterious woman kept me reading. I was curious to what her significance would be,but I was more expecting her to be related, so the end was a surprise.

*Snow3* Strengths
You did really well with dialogue in this, avoiding the overuse of said and the words spoken flow like normal speech patterns. Instead, you inserted the dialogue into the actions of the story. You also utilize a lot of body language for character development.

Paragraphs flow well. There are plenty of hints without giving the whole plot away.

*Snow3* Suggestions
Honestly, I am a little confused with the references to alcohol. At first when her father accused her of it, I thought it was just pretty much saying that he thought she was not thinking strait, but I get the feeling that maybe you were trying to add that she had a previous alcohol problem. Then the conversation she hears with her father about someone falling of the wagon just seems out of place. Maybe work on adding some more clarity here.

*Snow3* Final thoughts
I enjoyed the read. Just add a little more clarity to the alcohol thing and I think this would be an excellent story.

Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. Remember this is just the opinions of one person.It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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254
Review of Blue Coma  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.5)
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I am Warped Sanity of the White Walkers, sponsored by "The Witch's House" ! Welcome to the biggest Reviews' War on WDC, "Game of Thrones" 

*Snow3* First Impression
After reading this all the way through, It seems to have some spiritual significance. The concept that you have described is actually quite beautiful.

*Snow3* Strengths
I like the way that the writing surprises the reader. Along the way, I had no idea about the conclusion, which is a plus.

*Snow3* Suggestions
There is some issue with the paragraph spacing, which made this challenging to read. Putting spaces between paragraphs is much easier on the reader's eyes.

I’ve arrived, though fearful, and suddenly cold, unsure of where I am; I know I’m going to be okay though, I can tell by the care and love I feel.
- This sentence is a bit long winded. Did you intend to put a period instead of a semicolon?

You use a lot of repetive words, like "yet" and "though". Maybe consider revising it with more creative wording in those areas. WdC has a handy counter, which is in the area where you click when choosing to edit. It not only tells you your word count, but it also lets you know what words you use the most. It is quite handy to use when analyzing if particular words are being overly used.

*Snow3* Final thoughts
This was a sweet story. It almost seems as if you are insinuating reincarnation, especially since he is aware of the blue comma.

Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. Remember this is just the opinions of one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.



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Review of Unlucky Seven  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Image for GoT




I am Warped Sanity of the White Walkers, sponsored by "The Witch's House" ! Welcome to the biggest Reviews' War on WDC, "Game of Thrones" 

*Snow3* First Impression
This was quite the twisted tale and the delivery was exceptional, especially since this was written when you were a newer writer.
*Snow3* Strengths
For me, the strongest aspect in this writing is the character development. You did really well in developing Harold's character into an egotistical narcissist. That whole spiel about the money he spent towards his new girlfriend's body works well with his development. Then the girlfriend I imagined being extremely vain. Well done.

The little hints about the wife kept me reading this. You gave just enough hints, without giving the whole conclusion away.

*Snow3* Suggestions
Honestly, I don't see anything that I would suggest improving on. This seems well edited, but since it was written in the 90's, you apparently have had plenty of time to edit it.

*Snow3* Final thoughts
This was a well written mystery. That ending was a shocker, which is refreshing. By the end of the story, honestly, I felt Harold deserved his outcome. Though, there is a hint of what will eventually happen to the girlfriend, I sort of felt bad for her. Although she is vain and not such a great person, it kind of feels like she is innocent in all this, especially since she doesn't really know his past.

Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. Remember this is just the opinions of one person.It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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256
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #2097750 Unavailable **


Hi Fifthwood! This is quite an intriguing first chapter. Thanks for sharing it with Wdc, so that we can get a glimpse at your novel.

The hook
The chapter begins strong with the actions of the story, which grabbed me right away. Though, to strengthen it I would suggest adding some stronger descriptions, that have more of an emotional impact on the reader.

He liked hunting in his human form and running naked through the woods
Maybe consider adding something like, He loved the challenge of hunting in his human form and the freedom of being naked in the woods.

Character development
You did a good job of developing characters, for the most part. With the wolf's last words, I am wondering if this is going to have a Native American theme.

When the man is changing into a wolf, you use the word "like" again to describe his emotions toward the change. In order to develop his character more and create more of an emotional impact on the reader, I suggest using more descriptive words. After all his skeletal system is in the process of converting to a different form, so "like" seems to mellow of a description of his emotions toward the change.

Scenery
We know that the story takes place in the woods, but we do not have an idea of where exactly. Is it in the United States, Canada, a fantasy world? If you added an explanation into the actions of the story, this would help the reader get a stronger grasp on the scenery. Maybe you could add it in somehow in the beginning when the man is hunting.

Dialogue
The dialogue is realistic, following normal speech patterns, rather than seeming to formal. To make the writing even stronger, you could utilize the dialogue more to develop your characters. For example, instead of the redundant "he said" "he responded" etc., you could add more body language instead. Below is an example of what I mean.

“Don’t suppose you have any whiskey?” requested the Senator.
The Senator shuffled his feet in the dirt before reluctantly looking up at his friend. "Don't suppose you have any whiskey?"

At the thoughts of juice, the Senator let out a sarcastic breath and rolled his eyes. "Don't suppose you have any whiskey?"

Notice how adding the body language strengthens character development? Maybe look at all the places that you put "he said" etc. and add body language instead.

Plot
The overall plot is interesting. There are plenty of hints in the first chapter that leave the reader curious enough to read the next chapter. Then the end suggests that maybe the Senator is going to lead a hunt of these creatures.

Final thoughts
There were a few issues that can be fixed easily with some editing, but for the most part, this is well written. I enjoyed the read.

Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, the thoughts expressed here are the opinions of one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine what advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful. When you get around to editing, I would be happy to read this again, and up my rating according to corrections.











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257
Review of The Witch's House  
Review by Warped Sanity
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Here is my little donation. *Heart*
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258
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
** Image ID #2097750 Unavailable **


Hi Ethan. You had requested a review of this poem, so I am here to give my thoughts on it.

First thoughts
The theme of the poem is interesting. It begins in a way that makes the main character in the poem seem as though he doesn't value women much, besides the external. Then it ends kind of angry, as if it is about a particular woman, which hints that maybe he views her as plastic and this poem is a means of saying goodbye.

Imagery
There is actually some pretty good imagery here such as the women being "perfect little mannequins" that he stuffs in a closet. Also "weep like lost lovers at the profits of the modern poet" is a pretty good line. Us poets do seem to profit in a literary sense from the woes of others.

Form, rhythm, and rhyme.
In some places, I see where you are trying to create a beat, as if this should be spoken with Jazz music, especially at the end. Though visually, it looks more like a prose, rather than a poem. In my opinion, this would flow better with enjambment and ideas would be more powerful expressed with less words. Below is an example of what I mean.

Your original lines:
or consoles crude businessmen, tall as their city towers, sedating them
with dreams of dollar signs and clothing brands and pretty women fresh from shiny new assembly lines,

How I would correct it:
or consoles crude businessmen,
tall as their city towers,

sedating them with dreams
of dollar signs,
      clothing brands
      and assembly line women,


You could also use some capitalization to increase the emotional appeal by capitalizing curled hair etc., since you are calling the person that as a name.

Mechanics
For the most part you are grammatically correct in the writing, but towards the end you are missing some commas in the last few sentences. Though, I think it is a little much to make all of the writing just one huge sentence with commas and semicolons. I would suggest that when you edit this that you add some other punctuation, such as periods and exclamation points, rather than the redundant "and" and "or".

Final thoughts
Overall the wording is interesting in the poem. With some editing, I think that it has potential. Hopefully you will revisit the piece.

Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, the thoughts expressed here are of only one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful. When you get around to making repairs, make sure to let me know. I am always happy to reread and up my rating according to repairs.












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Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Jay! I'm here visiting again to conduct my M2M reviews for Rising Stars. You had this front and center in your profile, so I figured you were proud of it and wanted reviews on it. It is a touching read and the love that you have for your mother is obvious throughout.

First thoughts
With the first read though, my first impression was that this was probably highly emotional for you to write. The memories that you display in poetic form are touching and it is obvious that she was a great mother.

Imagery
For the most part you use blunt imagery describing experiences with your mother, such as cooking and bringing your mother flowers. Though you do use some metaphor. At first your use of soap confused me, but as I read it again, I realized that you were saying that our efforts in life are not what cleanse us and that Christ does.

Rhyme and Flow
You stayed true to the abab rhyme scheme that you chose. Also, you use less commonly rhymed words, such as "enjoyed" and "employed". When read out loud it flows well and the only place that I tripped was the use of "soap" as an analogy, but that was more of an analytical pause on my part.

Mechanics
It seems that our Comma Sense course has paid off for you. Even on the second read through I could not find any grammatical errors.

Final thoughts
This was a touching poem and lovely dedication to your mother. Any mother would feel honored to get such praise from her son.

Thank you for sharing your writing. I've enjoyed the read.

Created by Of_fire_born for Rising Stars' Reviewers


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Review of The Island of WDC  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Angel! I'm here again to conduct my M2M review for Rising Stars. This was a creative approach to the assignment and I enjoyed the read.

The hook
I believe that you began your adventure over WdC in an interesting and fun way. Surely, most on this site can relate to the fear of heights. Then you continue to the second paragraph in a whimsical fashion, which I would imagine a hot air balloon ride would seem like. These paragraphs do grab the reader, in my opinion.

Imagery
Your descriptions of each place on the site gives the writing a magical feel. I particularly enjoyed your descriptions as you hovered over the Personification Contest and Whispers of the Soul.

Mechanics
For the most part, the writing is error free. Though I did find an issue right away.

It is the day of the balloon ride, (needs a period, rather than a comma)

Other suggestions
When I first saw this assignment, I saw it as an opportunity to show community spirit, spreading the word about activities and other members. You have done well advertising a lot of places on the site. All of the groups that you mentioned I have visited, except for Team GB PWW Coffee Shop Campfire.

I would suggest including the group titles in item format so that others can find them easier. Imagine being new on this site and reading this. The member would be very confused. Besides, if you are going to advertise the contests, you might as well make it easier for them to find it.

Final thoughts
Your creativity with this assignment made it fun to read. I believe that anyone who reads this would want to check out the interesting places that you described.

Thank you for sharing your writing. I've enjoyed the read. Remember, the opinions expressed here are from only one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Most importantly, keep writing.

Created by Of_fire_born for Rising Stars' Reviewers


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Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #2097750 Unavailable **

This review and the last short one will not count as the reviews that I owe you. I had to click on this story because the title made it seem that somehow this was supposed to go along with the last story I read.

Again, my mind went there. So, you are going to have to tell me whether I just truly have a warped mind or if your intention was to insinuate sexuality in the writing.

The only think I would have to argue with in this piece, is that cake is not creamy. Maybe the icing is, but if the cake is creamy it means it is raw. Moist would make more sense in referring to cake.

Thank you for sharing your writing!














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Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
** Image ID #2097750 Unavailable **


You are so versatile as a writer. Reading through your port, there are so many genre options and all are well written. I read this one because the file was first in your port, which makes it obvious that you would like readers to read this first. Typically detective stories are not what I enjoy reading, but you may have changed my mind on that opinion. I enjoyed reading this.

The hook
That opening line really grabs the reader. It hints that something adventuresome and crime-filled is going to occur in the story.

Character development
While reading the story, I felt like I was watching one of those old classic detective movies. All characters are developed well into the actions of the story and dialogue. My favorite character is the detective. He really had that grungy, yet sexy 1930's feel to his character. Also, I love that you didn't exactly make the dame weak. She was obviously smart enough to reject his directions to stay put.

Dialogue
You use slang that is fitting for the time the story takes place in. This really helped to bring the reader in as if they were right there in the past, experiencing the actions of the story.

Scene
Paired with the dialogue, mafia-like characters, the 1930's Chicago scene was brought to life with visual descriptions. Those descriptions were brought into the actions of the story, avoiding long drawn out descriptions. There are a lot of interesting visuals in this story. For example, the one light being on in the building, inviting her to run to his office for help, sets the mysterious atmosphere.

Plot
I was glued to this chapter from beginning to end. All the little twists, such as him pretending to be a drunk, make this story a fun read. Everything that happened was unexpected, which was refreshing. It was a perfect way to end the chapter as well. It made me want to read the next chapter to see what happens next and I did *Bigsmile*.

Final thoughts

This was a great read! You just might have changed my mind about reading detective stories.

Thank you for sharing your writing. I've enjoyed stalking your port. *Heart*


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Review of The Stroll  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
** Image ID #2097750 Unavailable **


You brought me to laughter and now you have brought me to tears. This story hit an emotional cord for two reasons. The obvious one is that I am a mother. The other reason is that I know someone who has lost their only child.

There is a reason I'm very anti-Valentine's this year. The man I was seeing for two and a half years split with me this past January. This past Summer he lost his only son, who was only 25 years old, and at that time he really became emotionally unavailable to me. I remember him bringing up the topic of death and how he was not afraid of it because he is Christian. Honestly, when that topic came up, I felt that he would welcome death to see his son again. Even though it is a mother that you mention, I thought of him.


The hook
By the selected genre, I knew that it was supernatural, but at first I thought it was a dream. I was intrigued with the first paragraph. Because of the dreamy state, I was curious enough to read on about the what and why of the dream.

Character development
You did an excellent job showing the characters through dialogue, body language, and actions of the story. The woman's protective nature is shown clearly with her reaction toward the man getting too close to the stroller. The way she handles the friend, even though she is annoyed, shows how caring of others she is. The characters in the second part of the story really close this story with a high emotional impact on the reader. Since the young man asks so many questions, it is apparent that he is a new resident.

Dialogue
The dialogue follows traditional speaking patterns, rather than seeming too formal, which makes it feel more real. There are also little hints in the dialogue that encourage to reader to wonder why she is an outsider looking at others, yet you don't give the whole plot away in the speaking.

Scene
The misty, dream-like quality is apparent throughout, especially with situations that don't match what you would normally see in a mall, like the feast that she sees. There is a ton of symbolism in the scenery that lead up to an emotional climatic ending.

Plot
You did well bringing all the story elements together, while smoothly transitioning into an interesting and surprising outcome. There are so many things that I love about this story. The whole idea of why she is pushing that stroller is incredibly moving and symbolic. Beautifully done.

Final thoughts
This was one of the best stories that I've read in a long time and one that I needed to read today. My heart is broken, so naturally I go through episodes of being angry at him, but your story reminded me to step back and understand his state of mind at the moment. Instead of being angry, I should be praying for his healing. Hopefully when his time comes, his son Alex will be right there waiting, just as the young man in your story is waiting.

Thank you so much for sharing this wonderfully heartwarming, inspirational story. *Heart*


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Review of Depression  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
** Image ID #2098377 Unavailable **


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Welcome to the world of WdC! Your profile is filling up rather quickly. I clicked on this particular poem, because the topic is something that I can relate to. It is something that I fight within myself a lot as well.

First thoughts
After my first reading of this poem, my perception was that you were trying to portray the darkest aspects when someone is in the thrall of depression and how you overcame depression by seeking help.

Imagery
There is a lot of darker analogies used, which is fitting, since you are describing depression. You begin with some pretty good imagery with that first line in the first stanza and in several other areas, though some of the analogy used is a little cliche.

"dark heavy cloud"
"bounding me in chains"
I would consider finding some other more unique analogy, other than these cliche ones.

You repeat some imagery, such as the description of "beast" and some other descriptions. I would suggest that when you revisit this, hone in on the repeated concepts and either omit them or revise them with something less repetitive.


I am a little confused with "Outside of this bubble struggling to get in". Wouldn't you be inside the bubble? Other symbolism suggests being trapped, so this seems out of place.

Poetic elements
Rhyme is consistant with the aabb rhyme scheme and do not seem forced. You have some less commonly used rhymes, such as "phone" and "alone".

It seems you were going for more of a structured format, but there is no consistent syllable count or consistent meter. For me, when read out-loud, this interrupts the flow of the poem.


Mechanics
There are some areas where you have comma and punctuation errors.
How do I beat this I have no plans.
Suggestion: How do I beat this? I have no plans.

"To unlock this door to allow me to breath,"
There needs to be a comma after "door"

For where is the answer for I cannot see,
There needs to be a comma after "answer"

There are a few places that quotations would work better.

Please go away as I beg it out loud.
Suggestion: "please go away!" I beg it out loud.

Through wet blinking eyes, it seems to say,
Be positive and strong you will find your way.
Suggestion: Through wet blinking eyes it seems to say,/ "Be positive and strong, you will find your way.

Final Thoughts
It is apparent that you wrote this in a darker time in your life while in the thrall of depression, yet as you explain, you found your way out. This poem flows with strong emotion, it just needs some editing. When you get around to making repairs, hopefully you will let me know so that I can up my rating to match those corrections.

Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, this is the opinion of one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.







*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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265
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
** Image ID #2098377 Unavailable **


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


First of all, congratulations on being the Newbies Academy showcase for February. It is well deserved. Your novels are wonderful, but it is good to see you challenging yourself with creating short stories like this one. Since this is intentionally written more like an article rather than a traditional short story with dialogue, I'm going to review it as I would an article.


With the title, description and knowing you, I knew I was in for more than just a few laughs. The title fits the story perfectly. You had me smiling from beginning until the end. This was a fun read.

You take something a lot of parents do, which is tell our mistakes as warnings of what not to do and spin a comedic tale from your life. Many of us parents can relate *Bigsmile*.

Structurally, your paragraphs flow well enhancing the delivery of the telling of your life tale. I like how you throw a little comedy here and there in your hints at the ends of paragraphs.

Through your word usage and detailed descriptions, I could put myself in your position. I imagined your son all bugged eyed at that cop *Rolling*. Then there is poor Dad. Kids in trouble with the police is every parents nightmare, but yours was in the extreme with the bomb squad *Bigsmile*.

Now you have me intrigued with that little hint of another story at the end! You will have to share that one.

All in all, great story. You had me rolling on the floor. Thank you for sharing your horrors of parenthood.










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Review of The Librarian  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
** Image ID #2098377 Unavailable **


You asked me to give this a read through and share my thoughts, so here I am. I'm not sure if you are aware of it, but I have a gay daughter who happens to be around the same age as the characters in your story *Bigsmile*. Since this would be written for someone like my daughter, I figured I would have her read it too for extra feedback. She was impressed that this was written by a man because you do well portraying what such a situation would be like for a lesbian. Though she did say, it is probably no different than how rejection would feel for a man.

The hook
The first paragraph grabs the reader. With "Few witnesses; that had to be good" there is a hint that something important is going to happen. This encourages the reader to read more.

Character Development
Character development is done well without long boring descriptions. Instead it is developed through the actions of the story and dialogue. The personalities of the characters shine through and they are all likable. Jess seems like a sweet young woman that is highly intelligent. Her friend seems like a great guy, but quite the comedian. I have to wonder if there is a little bit of you in her friend *Smile*. Even though the librarian and her sister only speak toward the end, they are well developed as well.

dialogue
You handle dialogue like a seasoned writer. You utilize dialogue to develop characters, the scene, and build up the story. Speech follows regular speech patterns, without seeming overly formal. You avoid the overuse of "he said" "she said" which can seem very amateur. Instead you add body language, which helps in developing the story.

Scene
The scene is shown with clarity. These details, like the character development, were added into the actions of the story. To be honest, when writers present long descriptions of scenery without it being in the actions of the story, I struggle not to skip over it. I didn't find myself wanting to skip over anything in your story.

Plot
Like I mentioned, I also had my daughter read the story. We both believe that you portrayed the situation in a way that is acurate to how a young lesbian would feel in such a situation. There are hints to what the outcome will be, but the ending is still somewhat of a surprise. Overall, this was a great lesbian romance story, especially since a man wrote it.

Mechanics
From my perception, this is error free. The story flows well from beginning to end, without any issues that cause confusion or for the reader to trip over any of its parts.

Final Thoughts
This is written as if it were created by a seasoned writer. Superb job, Bob.


As always, I've enjoyed the read. Thank you for sharing your writing.


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267
267
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.0)
It has been a while since I have browsed your port and it looks like you have a lot of new stuff. I read a few others, but chose this one because it falls in one of my favorite genre to read.

Hook
Personally, I think that the writing begins strong. Then when the main character gets dressed, it is very matter of fact. Something that you are always really great at in a lot of your writing is imagery. Due to the nature of this story, I do feel that you need to add more imagery into this one. It is rather blunt, in comparison to some of your other writings.

Scenery
Your descriptions of hell are quite vivid. Though, again, a little more imagery would be great here. For example, maybe show how it feels when she splashes the water on her face and maybe add some smells.

Character development
The main character is interesting. I am not quite sure if she has a great imagination or if she actually went to hell, though maybe this was your intent. Some body language would be great here. Was she fearful? Did she stand tall? Did she back away from the tree unearthing?

Plot
I think the plot is good. Adding the stages at the end of each episode makes the writing very dramatic, which is fitting.

Mechanics
There are a few issues that are blaring at me.

"I continued my path (comma) making sure I watched the footsteps that were visible on the soft soil."

Unicorns and fairies with white wings came (to) haunt me in the night.

Opening my eyes again (comma) I was walking down Mainstreet

The stifling heat made me thirsty (comma) so I went down stream filling my hands with soothing water, refreshing myself.


Suddenly the sky above me changed into this dark and omnious field of clouds and it starting to rain putting out the fire of the enflamed tree.

Suggestion: Suddenly the sky turned dark and ominous and rain poured from the sky, putting out the inflamed tree.

Final thoughts
The concepts in this story are really great. It just needs some repair.

Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, the opinions expressed here are from only one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts have been helpful. As always, when you get around to editing this, let me know. I am always happy to adjust my rating to corrections.

Created by Of_fire_born for Rising Stars' Reviewers


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268
268
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi there *Bigsmile*. I'm here as part of my M2M reviews for Rising Stars. I've read quite a few from this prompt and they have been fun to read, which is why I clicked on it. I need a little positive reading material to lift me up and this one put a smile on my face.


The hook
The story begins well, without long drawn out descriptions. Though honestly, I would have begun the story when the dialogue starts. I would think this would grab the reader more.

Dialogue

Dialogue followed natural patterns in speech, rather than seeming too formal. There is also a lot of character development and showing through the dialogue.

What I would have liked to have read more of is some body language added in with the dialogue. For example, when Santa is being stubborn about calling the other Christmas deities you could add his body language. Aspects like crossing his arms and/or furrowing his eyebrows together would help.

I like that you avoided the overuse of "he said" and "she said", which can look very amateur.

Character development
The flirting between Mr. and Mrs. Claus was a nice touch. I do have one question though: Is that Santa's bare butt sticking out of the fridge or clothed butt. It is unclear in the story.

Plot
Plot was alright, but I think that it would be more interesting if you added more conflict. Maybe bring in one of the other Christmas deities that you mentioned.

Final thoughts
Overall this was a fun story to read. It is one of those stories that you read to feel good and it was fitting for the holiday season.

Thank you for sharing your writing. I enjoyed the read. Remember, the thoughts expressed here are from only one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to take. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful. When you get around to making some repairs, let me know, because I am always happy to adjust my ratings to reflect the improvements.

Created by Of_fire_born for Rising Stars' Reviewers


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Review of The Beast  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #2097750 Unavailable **


I found this poem by searching for poetry on the WdC search engine. Typically I enjoy emotive poetry of a darker nature, so the title and description of your poem is what inspired me to click on it. Upon reading your words, I was not disappointed.

Imagery
There is a lot of powerful analogies in this poem. Obviously the descriptions of weather such as "icy winds" and "blackest rain" are metaphors. It is almost as if you are describing the end of times. It is almost prophetic, like that in Revelations.

Poetic elements
You stayed true to your chosen rhyme scheme and seem to have a strong grasp on meter. Due to the consistent meter, when read out loud, it reads almost melodic, which is how poetry should read. Rhymes flow naturally without seeming forced.

Emotive qualities
The dark analogy in this poem works well in creating a strong emotional impact on the reader. It seems as though the observer in the poem sees the blindness of humanity. They are in "the belly of the beast" and blinded from the light of Christ, yet they can not see it, because they are consumed in bloodshed. At least that is the perception I got by reading the first two stanzas.

Mechanics
The poem is error free, with no punctuation or spelling errors.

Final thoughts

This was a powerful poem that seemed to be a warning. We must change our ways and find our way out of the "belly of the beast" or we will never be a part of the "final feast" that includes internal life with Christ.


Thank you for sharing your writing. I have enjoyed the read.












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270
270
Review by Warped Sanity
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #2098377 Unavailable **


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi Jay. I'm so proud of your transition over the past months. Your profile is becoming more diverse and very organized.

You did an excellent job with these Haikus. I imagine stepping away from rhyming poetry was a bit of a challenge, since that is what you are more accustomed to.

Imagery
Dedicating each poem to an element of the season was very creative. The imagery that you share gives a vivid image of how truly beautiful Fall can be.

Poetic elements
My favorite parts of each of these are the last lines. The objective in the form is to create a surprise ending from the clues in the prior two lines. I think you did really well with this. I especially liked "hope in jeweled coat" and "hope of life in death"

You followed the form exactly how the strict rules require without it seeming forced. Excellent job.

Thank you for sharing your writing. I have enjoyed the read.


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271
271
Review of What Happened?  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #2098377 Unavailable **


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Congratulations on being the Newbies Academy spotlight for the month! A little birdie told me that you worked hard last month preparing your profile. It looks like it paid off, because your profile is looking great.

Being a mother, I really appreciate this story. Since it is written from the infant's perspective, it was unique and interesting to read.

The hook
After figuring out that this was from the baby's perspective, I found that those first two lines begin this short write perfectly. When they are first born, they do seem to want to keep their eyes closed.

The Plot
I think that you do well going from birth to when the baby has their first taste of mother's milk. The meat of the story effectively how an infant would feel adjusting to their new world that contrasts that snug world they came from.

The ending is one of my favorite aspects of this story. It brought me back to that time that I first held my children and fed them right after their birth.

Mechanics

"Now the noise is deafening and nothing familiar,"

Suggestion- and nothing is familiar

"and the dear voice are right there in my ear." - is not are

final thoughts
The imagery displayed throughout your writing made this a great read. I really enjoyed the read.

Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, the opinions expressed here are from only one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to take.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
272
272
Review by Warped Sanity
Rated: E | (5.0)
Here is my payment for those I sponsored and a few extra for a donation.
273
273
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
** Image ID #2097750 Unavailable **


You sent me a review request, so I am here to fulfill it *Smile*.

This short write is packed with emotion and meaning. It seems as though you are writing this to someone that you love. Though at first with the beginning where it is not in bold, I thought this was more about your soul. Then with the letters in bold, there are hints that this may actually be about a relationship with family or a romantic one.

The letter begins as if it is to your "beloved", so I assumed it was a significant other. There is a feeling that this relationship has ended and you are trying to move past it. Phrases like "all I have lost" and " a part of me that still has you and only you", hint to that. Though the rest of the letter makes it unclear whether this is a correct assumption.

There are some strong points about life in general. It is almost as if it is a piece of Philosophy. "Let's evolve again for humanity" gives evidence that you are trying to say that evolving as an individual equates to the evolution of humanity. Then when you wrote "Marked and Sealed in Blood", it seemed as though you are referring to family, but then again you could be referring to war. Or maybe you are referring to Christ, because of his blood sacrifice. It can be said that our soul is marked for heaven, sins forgiven and the promise sealed in his blood. The issue here is the multiple meanings and lack of clarity of which you are referring to.

There are a lot of grammar and punctuation issues. Throughout the writing you forgot to add commas and end of sentence punctuation.

In all honesty, the words you used are deep and very pretty, but there is no clarity on what this is actually about or who the letter is too. There needs to be some clarity in order to make its meaning have more impact on the reader.

Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, this is the opinion of only one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful. When you get around to correcting this, feel free to contact me and I will adjust my rating to your corrections.










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274
274
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Image ID #2097750 Unavailable **


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi Blake. First let me apologize for not getting to your review when you requested it. I am happy to review it without the extra gps anyways.

This seems like a first chapter, as if maybe the story is unfinished. The whole idea with the paintings is pretty magical and it seems that there is more to the story.

The hook
I once read that publishers will decide whether to read a submission based on the first few sentences. These first few sentences, especially in a short story, should grab the reader. Typically beginning with scenery does not grab the reader. You need to begin with some sort of action that pertains to the story.

Maybe you could begin by the main character passing by the home and having some sort of magical pull to it, rather than adding that half way through the story.

Character development
We mostly learn about the house for almost half of the story. I suppose the house is a character all on its own, especially since it seems to be alive, pulling people to it.

The only human character in the story is developed somewhat well. We never really learn his name, so it is difficult to really connect to him. Though that pull toward the home and painting is vividly clear.

Plot
The whole idea of the ghostly pull to these paintings is interesting, but it is almost like an incomplete thought. We know there is a reason why people are drawn to the paintings, because there are other paintings missing, but we never really learn why.

There is a lot of telling rather than showing, mostly in the first half of the story. Once the story becomes more developed with the man coming into the picture, there is a little bit of showing.

Final thoughts
This feels like a rough draft. With some editing and adding more showing where there is telling this could develop into a great story. It does seem that it is missing part of the plot, but the magical quality of the paintings is an interesting concept.

Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, this is an opinion of only one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
275
275
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
** Image ID #2097750 Unavailable **


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi there, you sent me a request, so I am here to give you some feedback.

This feels like a rough draft. You have jotted down some great ideas and the moral of your fairy tale is a good one. True beauty comes internally from within our soul, not externally. It would make a great story for young people.

First off, I want you to know that the main issue with this is that there is more telling than showing. Since you claim this is actually your first short story you have written, honestly it is not bad for a first attempt.

Here is an article that I find useful in explaining how to avoid telling rather than showing: https://www.scribendi.com/advice/how_to_avoid_tell...

When you tell the story rather than show it through dialogue etc., the reader feels as if they are an outsider, while you give a step by step description. Adding in dialogue, showing the emotions of the characters rather than telling us what they feel, and adding the scenery into the actions of the story rather than drawn out descriptions, brings the reader into the story like an active participant.


The hook
When you get around to editing this I would get rid of the Once upon a time. Maybe just begin the story with the princess in the castle. Instead of telling how people couldn't gaze at her, show it. Maybe begin the story with her parents coming into her elaborate room, avoiding looking at her or maybe begin with them telling her how she is lucky that any man would want to marry her. Then introduce the prince.

Plot
The plot itself is decent. There are some twists. The prince is greedy, probably just marrying her for the wealth. Then he is humbled when he is thrown into the dungeon. Because of that humility and the fact that he can't see her in the dark, he begins to realize her inner beauty. These ideas are good.

Scenery
The scene is clear, but it just needs to be added into the actions of the story, rather than told in long drawn out bits.

Character development
Through the telling I do understand the personalities of the characters. The princess is kind, gentle, and forgiving. The prince has to learn it through being knocked down into the dungeon.

Like I wrote earlier, the issue is in the telling. You needed to show the characters personalities through dialogue and their actions.

Final thoughts
Don't toss this story. look at the article I gave you. Wherever you see evidence of telling, edit it with showing. Once you do that, you will have a great story. Let me know when you get around to editing so that I can up my rating to match your edits.

Oh and you should change your username to newwriter, rather than badwriter. Have faith in yourself. With practice you will be a great writer. We all have to begin somewhere.

Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, this is the opinion of only one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.









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