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Review Requests: OFF
1,223 Public Reviews Given
1,228 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I try to give reviews the way I prefer to receive them. Honesty, thoughts for improvement, and identifying strengths are aspects that I prefer from others, so I give these things in return.
I'm good at...
I can pretty much review anything, whether poetry or short stories. My favorite genres to read are horror and the odder side of fiction, but I am open to reading other genres. If I do review a genre that is not one I particularly enjoy reading, then I am most likely going to review it based on the structure, rather than the content.
Favorite Genres
I tend to gravitate toward writings in the dark genres. With short stories and novels, horror is my favorite. With poetry, I prefer writings that display raw emotions. If your writing tackles a subject that people find offensive, I might like it.
Least Favorite Genres
Christian literature, Western, and Children's. I will NOT read or review anything that consists of XGC material between minors and adults or encourages abuse as acceptable behaviors.
Favorite Item Types
Dark poetry, horror, emotional, autobiographical, erotica, psychology
Least Favorite Item Types
Horror is one of my favorites to read and write. Also, poetry that tackles intense subject matter interests me.
I will not review...
I WILL NOT review anything that encourages abuse as acceptable behavior or includes XGC material between a minor and adult. All review requests asking me to read whole novels or later chapters will be rejected. The reason being is that I can not give a fair review of chapter 3 when I have not read the chapters before that and, the time allowance when requests for reviews are made does not allow for enough time to read a whole novel.
Public Reviews
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Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Image ID #2098377 Unavailable **

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


I noticed that you have an anniversary with WDC this month. Happy anniversary and thank you for your contributions that are part of what makes this a wonderful place.

I was drawn to the folder that this story is contained in because the description claimed they were true stories, but written with fictional characters. Sometimes real life is a lot more interesting in fiction. Plus, it gives me a glimpse into what aspects in the writer's life that drive them.

This seems like more of a glimpse into the character's life as she remembers her family. It is almost as if she is remembering it with the same disconnection that she felt her family had for her.

Hook
The beginning hints to something bigger. When she is repeating the address, it is apparent there is something important involved.

Character development
Laura is developed through the telling of her thoughts. It is apparent that she has disconnected from her family emotionally. Though she reflects back at those places in her youth where she grew up.

Plot
There really wasn't much of a plot. This just explores the characters memory banks. There is a little too much telling. This would have been better if when she reflects, she goes back to a particular event and then shown why she actually disconnected from her family. There are hints of why, but no answer.

Final thoughts
This was more of a reflection of a place that the character lived. There is some powerful imagery in the telling, but there wasn't really a complete story told.


Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, the opinions expressed here are from one person. It is up to you, the writer, to decide which advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts are helpful.


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277
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #2098377 Unavailable **


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


I saw this on the Member to Member Rising Star Request page and figured I would give it a read.

This was a great little write up. Great job incorporating his back story into the review. That was a very good point about the reasoning he may have written in common speech, rather than being too formal with larger words. He was adept in writing editorials for the newspaper. Makes sense to me.

I appreciate how you point out his contributions to future writers. The idea that he was one of the first to write realism into fictional works, never occurred to me. Thinking back to all of the classical literature I have read from that time, I can see how he is one of the few that used realism. Mostly exaggeration and symbolism was used if my memory isn't deceiving me.

Mechanically, there are no grammar, punctuation errors as far as I can see. It is well written. The prompt explained to write a lively review of the poem and I feel that you did so excellently.

Thank you for sharing your writing *Smile*.


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Review of The Angels Cried  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #2098377 Unavailable **

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


I noticed that you have an anniversary with WDC this month. Happy anniversary and thank you for your contributions that are part of what makes this a wonderful place.

This was a lovely little dedication. The loss of a beloved pet can truly feel like losing a family member. Your love is felt throughout the poem.

Imagery
Imagery used tugs at the heart strings. I get the feeling that heaven rejoiced, because your Rottie was a pure soul. It is apparent he is truly missed.

Poetic elements
You stayed true to the rhyme scheme that you chose, which helps the poem flow well. When read out loud I do not trip in any areas.

Mechanics
There are some issues with punctuation. It appears that you capitalized beginning of sentences, yet forgot the end punctuation. This is an issue with each stanza. The second line in each stanza could use either a period or semicolon.

Final thoughts
This was a very sweet, yet sad poem. You can tell through your word usage, losing Rottie was devastating and that he is truly missed.


Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, the opinions expressed here are the opinions of one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.












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279
Review of A Good Heart  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
** Image ID #2098377 Unavailable **


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


I'm here yet again for my monthly newbie reviews *Bigsmile*. Your port is always fun to read, because there is so much diversity and great writing to read. I have been enjoying reading through all the new writing you have been adding. Actually, I read this one for the first time a few weeks ago, meant to review, but forgot *Bigsmile*. I seem to do that a lot.


The hook
Honestly, with the first few paragraphs, I was wondering if I was reading a romance novel about an older man and younger woman. Though this adds to the shock value of the story.

Character development
I felt I got a clear impression of both characters. At first it seems as though this Professor Jones is just a lonely man that is gifted with the attention of this attractive young woman. The nerd-like imagery is obvious with the bow tie, which definitely contrasts the sexy appearance of the young woman. In language usage and appearance, she fits the part of a typical student.

The inner thoughts of the professor really help develop this story. His thoughts on her appearance and then there is the sexual innuendo about wanting to taste her. Since the description identified this as horror, I wondered if he was going to actually eventually have her for dinner literally *Bigsmile*. Though he seems like such an innocent guy worried about following the political correctness of his time.

Dialogue
Dialogue is done excellently, avoiding the overuse of "he said" "she said". The words spoken follow regular speech patterns rather than seeming too formal.

Setting
You don't mention it, but I imagined that he was maybe in the college library. The scene in the office is quite descriptive. Once you get to the tools of his trade it gets pretty creepy.

Plot
There were so many hints in this story that distracted me from the main one of him being into Egyptology. Then he was so politically correct, even trying to give her an umbrella and out of his office. Around then I began thinking maybe there is something the woman does that makes this horror. So I was truly shocked with the ending, which is good.

Final thoughts
Like usual, this was a great read. It was original and took me through twist and turns to a surprise ending. Awesome job on this one.

Thanks for sharing. I'll be back soon to review more my newbie friend.





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Review of I'm mad  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #2098377 Unavailable **


It is me again *Bigsmile*. This is a great little poem. The whole scenario gave me a chuckle. With all the negativity that has been popping up around the site regarding the elections, this funny poem was just what I needed.

Imagery
The imagery with the snow melting and turning your home into an ice skating rink is very comical. It almost seems as though it would be a fun children's story.

Poetic devices
You stayed true to the set rhyme that you chose for the writing, which helps the poem flow.

Mechanics
Honestly, visually I think this would look better if you chose to add grammar and only capital letters where sentences begin. Though, that is just a personal thing. Without it, the poem still reads the same.

Favorite part
"Finally, I flipped my lid/Winter has driven me mad" I love those lines. It brings the poem to a nice comical end.

Final thoughts
I enjoyed reading this poem. It brought a smile to my face, which was needed. In a way, this poem could seem like a huge metaphor. Sometimes life just gets messy, we fall and go a little crazy in the chaos.

thank you for sharing your writing *Bigsmile*. I have enjoyed the read.





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281
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
** Image ID #2098377 Unavailable **


Congratulations for being chosen for the Newbies Academy showcase for November. I can tell be viewing your activity in the forums, you have been a huge asset in helping your fellow members. People like you are what makes this site so awesome.

I found this interesting, because I was just speaking with an older gentlemen the other day who had some major issues with doctors in the past few years. The situation that you describe is really unacceptable treatment. Hopefully you were able to switch to a much better doctor.

You point out some interesting facts that I was not aware of. One would think that "do no harm" would be important in their oath. Very disturbing.

Mechanically, this is well written. Normally I would call attention to the "BTW", but I can tell that your intent was to be more conversational, rather than a professional write.

Thank you for sharing this informative write. It is always interesting getting a perspective from another through there unique life experiences.


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Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Angel. This is a member to member review from Rising Stars. The opinions expressed here, are from one person. Remember, it is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to keep. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing are helpful.

*FlowerR* First impression
This poem has an eerie feeling to it. The sadness of these children that still roam the orphanage in spirit is strongly felt.

*FlowerR* Imagery
Through your blunt words, the pain of these children who are lost in this place are shown. I particularly liked "Leaving shadows of grey,/Merged into saddened walls,". For me, this gives the impression that their energies were absorbed into the walls, as if they became part of the structure.


*FlowerR* Poetic Devices
You use internal rhyme with "tears and fears", which is a poetic device I use a lot. I love how it brings a lyrical quality to poetry.

You also use assonance in a few places, which I think this poem would read better if you used it more throughout this poem. Phrases like "still linger" and "Broken rooms now echo" encourage stronger emotional and encourage the line to flow with the repeated vowel sounds.

From line to line, you handled enjambment well, created emphasis where it needs to be without it reading too choppy. Though, it feels that you forced enjambment in areas just to form the three line stanzas. Since this is a free verse, I would take the focus away from maintaining thee line stanzas and instead only separate where it makes sense in the reading of the poem.

*FlowerR* Mechanics
The poem is free of grammar issues. One thing I would change is capitalizing every first word of every line and instead only capitalize to create emphasis and the first word of the sentence.

*FlowerR* Final Thoughts
The emotional content of this poem does leave a lasting impression. It presents a sad aspect in history.

Thank you for sharing your writing. I've enjoyed my read around your port. If you at some point decide to edit this, feel free to contact me so that I can change my rating to reflect your improvements.
Created by Of_fire_born for Rising Stars' Reviewers


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Review of Old Route 33  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Espero. Today, I am reviewing this as part of my member to member reviews for Rising Stars. Remember, the opinions expressed here are from only one person. it is up to you, the writer to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully my suggestions are helpful to you.

You have some interesting ideas here and with some editing, this can easily be a five star story. The overall idea of this overlapping of time with the haunting is very creative.




The Hook
The story begins with telling whether than showing. Maybe when you edit this you could begin the story by the boys rounding the corner to the garage. Then when Billy is riding the bike on the haunted path between their homes, you can add the bits about the overgrown plants. These descriptions would actually work better moved there, because they would add to the feeling of fear Billy feels riding his bike home.

Character development
From the story I get a sense that Billy is a good kid, especially since he seems to be concerned about upsetting his parents with being home late. Both boys seem to be typical boys from decent families. At least that is what I get from the dialogue between the parents and children.

Dialogue
For the most part, you handled dialogue really well. Though there are a few places that I would change the punctuation and descriptions around the dialogue.

“There it is, there it is,” shouted Johnny, as they rounded the corner and approached the garage.“Dad got it, see it Billy?”

Suggestion: "There it is! There it is!" Johnny beamed with excitement as he rounded the corner to the garage.“Dad got it! see it Billy?”

Dad called upstairs, “Billy, why did you throw your bike out on the lawn, get down here and put it away; supper's ready.”

Suggestion:"Billy! You threw your bike on the lawn! Get down here and put it away! Supper's ready!" Billy's father yelled from the foot of the stairs.

Story development
The story itself flowed well without any confusing bits to trip over. In the meat of the story when Billy is on the trail, I believe that his fear would be more effect with restructuring the paragraphs and sentences a little. Also, adding italics for his inner thoughts would work better.

Suggestions: What the heck?!He turned his head slightly. Nobody was there.

Again, a fluttering sound. This time louder, next to his ear. He reached up to brush it away with his hand. Just air.

The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end. Heart pounding, he peddled faster. (No need to tell that he is afraid. Instead show it)

The area where Billy feels the whip is also another place in the story where you need to show fear more than telling.

Final thoughts
With some repair, this could be an excellent story. Keep polishing it, because it is definitely worthy of fixing. I would love to see this after you make some repairs.

Thank you for sharing your writing. I've enjoyed the read. When you get around to making repairs to this story, let me know so that I can adjust my rating to reflect your corrections.


















Created by Of_fire_born for Rising Stars' Reviewers


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Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #2097750 Unavailable **



This is probably one of the best free verse poems I have read thus far on this site. I was emotionally captivated by the imagery displayed in this writing. After reading this yesterday, I found myself wanting to return to it a few times today.

What makes this poem amazing is your word choice and allegory. Every line is heavy with emotion. I simply love how the feeling of synesthesia is created with sound. In that first and third stanza it is almost as if I have synesthesia while reading it, because I can see the wind.

Throughout the entire poem there is a sense of humility and awe. We are all quite small and imperfect compared to this miraculous perfection around us.

My favorite analogy in this poem is in the last two stanzas.

"Yet, I will stand on my heart/just to hear your proclamations"- The feeling of sacrifice that comes with love is evident here. It is such a beautiful and eloquent way of displaying the emotion.

"a wholesome symphony, cascading over mountains/meant to spare my dry, forgotten valley."- I love this analogy describing the echo of the wind. What I felt when reading this is that feeling of emptiness being filled with the glory of life.

I was impressed with the deep connection to sound and touch that was displayed in the analogy. After reading the poem, I took a look around your biography and other writings and realized that you are blind. Now I understand this poem more and why those other senses are so heightened in this poem. It is amazing and simply beautiful.

Thank you for sharing your writing. I feel honored to have had the privilege of reading it.



















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285
285
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Jay! Congratulations on being chosen for the Rising Stars program. If you put as much into this as you did the Newbies project, I know you will go really far with this.

First impression
This poem reminded me of the importance of stopping to enjoy the beautiful things around me. So often we adults get so consumed with our routines and responsibilities that we forget to stop and enjoy God's creation.

Rhyme and meter
You remained consistent with the abab rhyme scheme that you have chosen for this poem. Though I would consider editing stanza two, because "hop" feels forced, because of the structure of the line. It seems as if you are using the word as a noun instead of a verb.

Also in stanza one "sigh" seems forced. I believe that you meant that you followed the butterfly for an hour, but it seems as though you are sighing for an hour. I'm not quite sure how to correct this without interrupting the rhyme scheme you have chosen. Maybe visit some sister rhymes and play around with the line.

Since this is not a set form, there is no strict meter guidelines. Other than the rhyming word issues I mentioned above, this poem flows well.

Grammar
As far as I can see there are no grammar issues. I would suggest putting a comma after floats in the second stanza. When I add a pause after floats, the line seems to read better to me.

Favorite part
What I really appreciate about this poem is the childlike feeling it brings to mind. While I read it, I envision being like that five year old child, fascinated with this winged creature.

Thank you for sharing your writing. This is a great little poem you have created here. When you get around to correcting it, let me know so that I can correct my rating according to your corrections.

Remember, this is the opinion of one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully you have found my thoughts on your writing to be helpful. Most importantly, keep writing.





Created by Of_fire_born for Rising Stars' Reviewers


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286
Review of Rope Burn  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #2097750 Unavailable **


Sometimes I stalk the review forums for items that have been given really low ratings by reviewers that give no feedback of why, because I know how that feels. Sometimes the writing deserves the rating given, sometimes it doesn't. None the less, the writer deserves feedback with a helpful explanation. In this case the rating was not deserved. There are a few areas that can be improved on, but overall it is well written.

I think you accomplished that feeling of intensity, want, and being brought to the edge excellently. You did really well keeping the erotic feel of the writing by avoiding more pornographic terminology. Instead, you used words like "her sex". I liked how you used "absinthe" as a way of describing the feeling.

Where there is a little confusion is where the "Whack!" is inflicted. Maybe you could add where she feels the sting. Then you mention later being tied to a chair, but we are not told whether she is sitting tied up or bent over. Some clarity in the beginning would help with this.

There is also one sentence that needs to be edited.

"Jenna succumbed to temptation and squirmed, causing the chair she was bound to shift and scrape against the floor."

Maybe this would work better: "Succumbing to temptation, she squirmed and the chair she was bound to shifted, scraping the floor"

I'm glad I found this in the reviewed page, because I enjoyed the read. Plus, I get to use this as one of my musically influenced reviews that I have to conduct for a very Wodehouse challenge.

When you get around to editing this, let me know so that I can change my rating to reflect the corrections.

Thank you for sharing your writing. I've enjoyed the read. Remember, the opinions expressed here are from only one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine what advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.





















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Review of My Childhood Home  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Image ID #2098377 Unavailable **


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Welcome to WdC. Hopefully you are finding this site helpful in helping you hone in on your writing skills.

This is a great little story you have here. I especially like the twist at the end.

I'm not sure if you know it, but in the edit area of your story, there is an option to see how many times you use particular words. It is a pretty neat function. It is listed under "word count". Sometimes I will use it and then come up with alternate words where I have overused a particular word.

In this story, you write "I can" a lot. I would suggest revising this and coming up with alternative ways of expressing these things. There are other concepts and words used that are too repetitive, but "I can" sticks out the most. Once you click on "word count" you will see what I mean.

The first paragraph needs some revising. Below is a suggestion.

As I lay here with my eyes closed, I am taken back to my childhood home. While I drift between waking and sleeping, the sweet scent of grass fills my nostrils, the sounds of birds sing in my ears, and the warmth of the sun warms my face.

Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, this is the opinion of one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.


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Review of Heart Attack  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
** Image ID #2098377 Unavailable **


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Welcome to WdC. Hopefully this site has been helpful in helping you hone in on your writing skills. I know that my writing has greatly improved since I became a member due to the feedback from others.

You apparently wrote this about someone that you care deeply about. The sentiments here are very sweat.

I am curious to why you chose to compare your emotions to a "heart attack". Typically a heart attack is used to explain something painful, after all it is the heart failing, which means possible death. I am thinking you meant to use it as a form of shock? If so, I would try thinking of another analogy.

You also compare him/her to a game to be won. I am not sure if this is a very flattering comment. It is apparent that you meant to be flattering, because right before you compare him/her to the stars, sun, and ocean.

In several places you have "Yoy". Did you mean "you"? I would suggest revising this.

Also, I would get rid of the "...." and incorporate line breaks for pause instead.

With some repairs, this has the possibility of being a good poem. Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, this is the opinion of one person. It is up to you, to determine which advice to take. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.






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Review of Writing Room  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Image ID #2098377 Unavailable **


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Welcome to WdC. Hopefully you are finding this site helpful in honing in on your writing skills.

What I got out of this story is that the main character is a hermit. It is within the confines of his/her writing room in the quiet, that he/she finds their muse.

There is some really great imagery in this short story. I particularly like the comparison to Poe. I can relate to the hiding in the shadows, but appreciating the color. It almost seems that you are referring to watching life from afar.

Though, I would suggest breaking this up into more paragraphs and putting spaces between paragraphs. It would be a lot easier on the readers eyes. Without proper paragraph formation, it is easy to get lost. My eyes often lost place and I had to go back and find where I was reading.

Most of this is written in past tense, but you switch to present tense with the word "lie" in the fifth sentence.

There are a lot of grammar issues here when it comes to commas. In all the places where there is "but" and "because" there should be a comma after the words.

In many ways this seems like the introduction to a character that might be used in a story. The story does not really go anywhere particular, but instead gives a glimpse into a typical day in the life of the character. It is unclear whether the main character is male or female, so you may want to add some details so that your readers can know.

Thanks for sharing your writing. Remember, this is the opinion of one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.



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Review of The Blur  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
** Image ID #2098377 Unavailable **


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi Jeff. Welcome to WdC. Hopefully you find this to be a place that helps you hone in on your writing skills. I know my writing has greatly improved due to the honest feedback of others.

This poem seems to be about aging, mostly because of the explanation of a "diminishing mind" and "body for grabs" (I'm assuming this body reference is referring to losing your body through deterioration).

There are some interesting concepts in this poem. That second to last line is pretty powerful, because it seems to express how we embrace faith as our minds and bodies deteriorate.

An issue with this poem is that the grammar is wrong throughout the writing. You end every line with a period, but many of those lines should have a comma instead.

I am not exactly sure what that third to the last line really means. It seems to be out of place and only there for the purpose of rhyming "lost" and "cost".


With some repair, this could be a great poem. Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, this is the opinion of just one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.


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Review of What Eases Pain?  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
** Image ID #2098377 Unavailable **


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi Natalie! Welcome to WdC. Hopefully you are finding the site helpful so far. Since I joined the site, my writing here has improved greatly due to feedback from others. Hopefully your experience is the same.


For me this seems to be about the healing qualities of rain. I totally get that, because rain has the same affect on me. In thunder storms is actually when I sleep best. With some repairs, this poem could be an excellent addition to your portfolio.

Word choice in poetry is very important to display the meaning to your reader. Honestly, In the beginning of the poem I get the feeling that your mind is just racing because it is not ready to turn off from the events of the day. Then in the second to last stanza you mention "pain". There was no emotional pull in the first three stanzas that encourages an emotional response from readers towards your emotional pain. Or was pain only added for the sake of rhyme?

There are some concepts that are repeated in this poem that seem to be only for the sake of creating a rhyming line. For example, you spend two stanzas explaining that you can not sleep. You could sum this up into one stanza.

Also, that last stanza needs some repair. Below is a suggestion for repair.


Thoughts run though my head,
While I lay in bed.
I listen to the rain
to ease my pain.

If you noticed, I removed some excess words. Other areas of this poem could use that as well. for example, the first stanza reads better out loud without the "As" and "and".

Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, this is the opinion of just one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to take. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.


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Review of The Basement  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Image ID #2098377 Unavailable **


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi Free Will. Welcome to WdC. Hopefully you have found this place to be helpful. I know that my writing has greatly improved since joining due to the help of this wonderful community.

This is a great little poem you have here and I am sure that the person who received it realized the love that you have for them.

I like how the first and last stanzas mirror each other with the reference to the basement, but with the last stanza expanding on the positive aspect of the basement.

There are a few issues with this poem. In line one of the third stanza, "fall" does not seem like it should be at the end. It would read better as, "The world may fall down around us". Also you seem to have chosen a rhyme scheme of abcb for this poem, but you stray from that with the second stanza. "safe" and "Chaise" do not rhyme.

With some repair I think this could be a great poem. Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, this is just the opinion of one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.


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Review of Slither  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #2098377 Unavailable **


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi Thorn Willow. Welcome to WDC. I hope that this site has been helpful for you. I know it has for me, because my writing has greatly improved due to feedback from this wonderful community.

This is a sad poem, but I totally get it, because it is a place I have been in life. From my perception this seems to be a reflection on what you have not done in life. At the time you wrote the poem you seem to take the blame for the current state of loneliness and lack of accomplishment.

There are some great lines here. I particularly like "Atop a throne of sticks and stones". For me it seemed that your current position was built up people doing cruel things, since sticks and stones is typically used as mean actions and words as others.

An issue with this poem is the grammatical errors. In several places you have periods where there should be commas and vice versa. With a read you will find these errors easily.

Also, that last line just seems out of place and does not make sense to me. The poem reads better without it. I would suggest revising it or deleting it all together.

You have a good poem here. Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, this is the opinion of just one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to take. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.


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Review of A CHOICE BETWEEN  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
** Image ID #2097750 Unavailable **

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


I noticed that you have an anniversary with WDC this month. Happy anniversary and thank you for your contributions that are part of what makes this a wonderful place.

This poem makes a powerful point about moving forward by overcoming fears. With some corrections, I think this would be a great poem.

Sometimes when I write a poem, I step away from it for a day or two and then come back to it and read it out loud. If you would have done that, it is likely that you would have spotted errors easily.

It looks like In stanza three line three and stanza four line five, you meant to write "There's a choice to be made". The way those lines are currently written makes no sense.

In stanza two lines two and three, there are some structural errors. "Fears says" should be either "fears say" or "fear says". "wants says" should be either "wants say" or "want says".

In the first stanza, there should be a period at the end of the stanza with "wants". In stanza two there should be a period after "avoid". In the last stanza, there should be a period after remain.

Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, this is the opinion of one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.














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Review of I Learnt Today  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
** Image ID #2097750 Unavailable **

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


I noticed that you have an anniversary with WDC this month. Happy anniversary and thank you for your contributions that are part of what makes this a wonderful place.

I can appreciate the patronizing theme of this poem, because it makes some valid points about education of today. It seems to express how some teachers teach through discipline, rather than helping the children to enjoy the subjects taught. In many ways, like you express, it does kill the dreams and creativity of students.

The repeated lines work really well with enhancing the emotional impact of this poem. I especially appreciate the use of alliteration in the lines.

What throws me off a bit is how you apply some of your line breaks. For example in stanza two, the last two lines read better without the word so. Also, in stanza three, the lines read better with the word is being in the last line rather than the third. In addition, like stanza two, the stanza reads better without the word so.

The fourth line in stanza four does not flow well to me, but when I add "the" before "teachers" it flows better. It seems that you did this to stay within the meter you have chosen, but it does not sound right when read out loud.

Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, this is the opinion of one person. It is up to you, the writer, to decide which advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.















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Review of Coffee Shop  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #2097750 Unavailable **

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


I noticed that you have an anniversary with WDC this month. Happy anniversary and thank you for your contributions that are part of what makes this a wonderful place.

It seems that this writing is expressing those times when we step away from the reality around us and escape into our mind in search of an answer to something. This reminds me of the student that steps mentally away from the classroom into another world until the teacher wakes them from their daydream.

The imagery in this was done well with the application of all the senses. You did well showing a lot rather than telling in this short write. Well done.

Thank you for sharing your writing. I enjoyed the read.















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Review of The Siren  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
** Image ID #2097750 Unavailable **

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


I noticed that you have an anniversary with WDC this month. Happy anniversary and thank you for your contributions in helping this site to be the amazing site it is.

What a creative use of that prompt! I really enjoyed this story. You accomplished a lot of story with less words, which is no easy task from my experience.

I love how you use body language to show the reader the personality and emotions of the characters. Through the imagery given, I imagined the mother to be one of those Beverly Hill rich type women that are plastic perfection. Then in contrast, the imagery presented makes the other girl seem more average, maybe even poorer in appearance.

That punchline is disturbing. The fact that she was reliving the last time she saw her son, grandson, and daughter in-law was totally unexpected. It is always a treat when the conclusion is a shocker.

Thank you for sharing your writing. I enjoyed the read!















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298
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #2097750 Unavailable **

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


I noticed that you have an anniversary with WDC this month. Happy anniversary and thank you for your contributions that are part of what makes this a wonderful place.

This was an enjoyable read and it put a smile on my face. It was is a unique take on the ever popular zombie theme.

The character development was pretty good, but could use a little work. Grandad seems to be a very likable zombie and apparently very tolerant, since he was used as a mob and didn't protest. Though, he is vocal enough to complain about his joints. Since he is apparently vocal, it doesn't make sense to me that he did not protest being used as a mop.

There was a lot about Grandad that made me chuckle, especially the bit about parts of him getting stuck in the lawn bag when he tried to mow. In the description of Grandad, there was some interesting imagery too. Him coughing dust was an interesting addition to his description. I imagined he was drying out inside and coughing up his dried insides.

"I tried to drag my feet, some, and stall, trying to figure out what to say to her, when Grandad came walking around the corner of the garage/shed with his left arm in his right hand, muttering to himself about needing to use heavier grease to lubricate his joints." --This does not read right to me. I would consider revising.

Suggested correction: "I attempted to stall in order to give myself enough time to prepare her for the shock of meeting grandad, but my attempts at delaying were interrupted when grandad came walking around the corner. "I need heavier grease to lubricate these joints," he muttered.

Overall, this was a fun story to read. Some of the descriptions made me chuckle a bit.

Thanks for sharing your writing. Remember, this is the opinion of one person. It is up to you, the writer to determine what advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.

















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299
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
** Image ID #2097750 Unavailable **


*Flowerw* This is a review from "Invalid Item"  *Flowerw*


It is black case review month in WdC Kind hearts, so I figured I would pay my fellow black case friends a visit. I will probably be visiting again for my newbie reviews too *Bigsmile*.

This was a fun story to read and fitting to the Halloween season and quite disturbing from beginning to end. All the little details of the families life, such as their skinny bodies and the father telling stories to distract the girl from her hunger pains paint an sad vision of the future.

Adding in details that they were told about, yet don't know what they are, like the pool, was genius and adds to the dark feel of the writing.

Character development was done well, because I get a clear sense that this is a family that loves each other. That family closeness helps in making the ending a big shock to the reader.

With all the writing about small game being hard to find and there not being people walking around anymore, I suspected the parents were going outside hunting, but that there were zombies outside *Bigsmile*. So, I was a bit surprised that they were a cannibal family.

I enjoyed reading about your sweet little cannibal family *Bigsmile*. Thanks for sharing!





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300
Review of Dad  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #2097750 Unavailable **


*Flowerw* This is a review from "Invalid Item"  *Flowerw*


This was a very personal piece of writing and your father seems to of been very human with flaws and assets like all of us. He also seems to have been there when you needed him the post, as a parent should be.

The dictator description, descriptions of the relationship with your mother, and the thrown scissors make me think that maybe you could have written your own short story about your personal experience. Abuse comes in different forms and various degrees. Maybe consider writing a short story for the next Love Shouldn't hurt short story contest?

It seems that you have forgiven him though and learned to have a closer relationship with him after he calmed down with age. Aspects such as the end week dates you had with your father, is a bonding that you can hold on to as a positive memory. I am happy that you have these positive memories to hold on to.

I find it interesting that you write that the harsh words were not in your mind, but were there. Is it possible that you meant that they didn't remain in the surface of your thoughts, but were stored in your mind?

This was very honest and real. Thanks for sharing this little piece of your heart and memory.



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