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1,223 Public Reviews Given
1,228 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I try to give reviews the way I prefer to receive them. Honesty, thoughts for improvement, and identifying strengths are aspects that I prefer from others, so I give these things in return.
I'm good at...
I can pretty much review anything, whether poetry or short stories. My favorite genres to read are horror and the odder side of fiction, but I am open to reading other genres. If I do review a genre that is not one I particularly enjoy reading, then I am most likely going to review it based on the structure, rather than the content.
Favorite Genres
I tend to gravitate toward writings in the dark genres. With short stories and novels, horror is my favorite. With poetry, I prefer writings that display raw emotions. If your writing tackles a subject that people find offensive, I might like it.
Least Favorite Genres
Christian literature, Western, and Children's. I will NOT read or review anything that consists of XGC material between minors and adults or encourages abuse as acceptable behaviors.
Favorite Item Types
Dark poetry, horror, emotional, autobiographical, erotica, psychology
Least Favorite Item Types
Horror is one of my favorites to read and write. Also, poetry that tackles intense subject matter interests me.
I will not review...
I WILL NOT review anything that encourages abuse as acceptable behavior or includes XGC material between a minor and adult. All review requests asking me to read whole novels or later chapters will be rejected. The reason being is that I can not give a fair review of chapter 3 when I have not read the chapters before that and, the time allowance when requests for reviews are made does not allow for enough time to read a whole novel.
Public Reviews
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Review of Dad  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #2097750 Unavailable **


*Flowerw* This is a review from "Invalid Item"  *Flowerw*


This was a very personal piece of writing and your father seems to of been very human with flaws and assets like all of us. He also seems to have been there when you needed him the post, as a parent should be.

The dictator description, descriptions of the relationship with your mother, and the thrown scissors make me think that maybe you could have written your own short story about your personal experience. Abuse comes in different forms and various degrees. Maybe consider writing a short story for the next Love Shouldn't hurt short story contest?

It seems that you have forgiven him though and learned to have a closer relationship with him after he calmed down with age. Aspects such as the end week dates you had with your father, is a bonding that you can hold on to as a positive memory. I am happy that you have these positive memories to hold on to.

I find it interesting that you write that the harsh words were not in your mind, but were there. Is it possible that you meant that they didn't remain in the surface of your thoughts, but were stored in your mind?

This was very honest and real. Thanks for sharing this little piece of your heart and memory.



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Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*ButterflyO* *Vine2**Vine1**Vine2**Vine1**Vine2**Vine1* *RainbowL* Review by "Invalid Item" *RainbowR**Vine2**Vine1**Vine2**Vine1**Vine2**Vine1* *ButterflyO*

I noticed this on the "please review" page and thought I would give it a read and offer some suggestions. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing are helpful to you. Remember, the opinions expressed here are from one person. It is up to you, the writer to determine which advice to take.

You have shared something very personal here and I am assuming this is your personal experience. Children that are considered to have a disability can turn out to be a blessing, just as I am sure the daughter in this story definitely is. I know, because I have a son with an ASD. He is awesome exactly the way he is and I would not trade him for a so called 'normal' son.

This story has a little bit too much telling rather than sharing. So, I have some questions to address, for which maybe you could show rather than tell in this story.

*BurstV* You explain that John didn't see the daughter the way you did, yet I see no evidence further in the story to support this except for how he acted during your pregnancy. So, how does john act different with her than he did with the other children? Maybe show some examples of his behavior, instead of telling.

*BurstV* I have a lot of friends who have gone through what you have gone through. That doctors visit can be quite traumatic, especially when those doctors bring up things like the option for abortion. What suggestions did the doctor offer you? How did you feel about that?

*BurstV* I get the feeling that John didn't want you to keep the baby, but this is not clear. What did John do or say during this time of decision making after knowing the results?

This story begins with a lot of telling rather than showing which tells the reader that they will be expecting this throughout the story. Though in some places you do show rather than tell, such as some of the dialog that you use. Also things like you grabbing the tissue to dab your eyes help with understanding your emotions. Anyhow, I would change the introduction of this story to maybe beginning with the doctors visit where the husband receives the news. Maybe display more of the husbands reaction to the news.

Also it seems that through the dialogue with John you are trying to portray that he only agreed that you should have the child for the sake of not arguing and/or to make you happy. Along with this dialogue, maybe explain some of his actions along the way that made you feel this way as well.

I really hope that you revisit this story,because it is an important story to be told. There are many parents out there that may be experiencing this and reading what a blessing a child like yours can be, could help in them understanding and appreciating the life that they bring into this world a little more, despite the child's disability.








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Review of Me, Myself and I  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*ButterflyO* *Vine2**Vine1**Vine2**Vine1**Vine2**Vine1* *RainbowL* Review by "Invalid Item" *RainbowR**Vine2**Vine1**Vine2**Vine1**Vine2**Vine1* *ButterflyO*


This poem seems like it is inspired by "I Want a Wife", by Judy Brady, which was a satirical writing about the expectations of women in the 70's. If you haven't read it, you should give it a read. Yours reflects the stereotypes and double standards that are put on women in modern times.

Similar to "I want a Wife" there is a satire and sarcasm that I enjoy in this writing. It is as if you are telling the male reader "What if I acted like you? Would you want me?". The writing also tackles the expectations that make it difficult for women to move forward in careers equally to men.

I especially enjoyed that one long line. At first before reading this poem, I assumed that the structure of the poem with that long line would flow badly, but it works with the writing here. It makes it stand out from the other lines, which apparently was your intention. It is very sarcastic, but makes a powerful statement about how men treat women.

I really enjoyed this feminist poem. Truly a great read. Thank you for sharing!






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Review of Daddy  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*ButterflyO* *Vine2**Vine1**Vine2**Vine1**Vine2**Vine1* *RainbowL* Review by "Invalid Item" *RainbowR**Vine2**Vine1**Vine2**Vine1**Vine2**Vine1* *ButterflyO*



I really loved the meaning in this writing. It is something that takes me to my own loss of someone that I once thought so highly of.

Once again you use repeated lines to intensify the meaning of your verse. It is apparent that this was a good man who compared to your youthful outlook, was very stubborn and prideful. Those two repeated lines combined with the story you present in each stanza creates a contrast between father and daughter (old ways, new ways). Then the story with it shares that love between you two and the wisdom that he passed down to you.

In a lot of ways, this poem symbolizes what happens when we get a little older and realize all the wisdom that was given from our elders. When we are young, we are annoyed with what we consider outdated thought, thinking they don't understand the modern world. As your poem expresses, you realized just how much your father contributed to the good in you.

It was interesting how you shared your realization of his contribution in your life with the decline of his health. For me this shows how when we are losing someone, we realize just how really important they have been to us.

Since this was written in 2006, your father has probably already passed, but it is apparent that you will always have those memories and lessons that he gave you to carry you through your struggles. This was a sad, but great read. Thank you for sharing a piece of yourself in writing.





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Review of One Last Drive  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*ButterflyO* *Vine2**Vine1**Vine2**Vine1**Vine2**Vine1* *RainbowL* Review by "Invalid Item" *RainbowR**Vine2**Vine1**Vine2**Vine1**Vine2**Vine1* *ButterflyO*


I'm here to conduct my first review from the package you won in the Ice-cream auction. It has been a pleasure reading through your port and deciding what to review was a challenge, because you have so many wonderful writings to choose from. This poem in particular, was appropriate to the season, especially with Halloween nearing.

I enjoyed the b-movie feel of it. It reminded me of those old horror movies where there is always some cocky college guy that gets killed and the virgin is always the one that lives. In the case of your poem, we know she wasn't a virgin, because Bobby was good in the sack, hence why she gets killed.

Structurally, for the most part you maintained the rhyme scheme you appear to have chosen for the writing. Though you stray from the rhyme scheme in two stanzas with trying to rhyme "snort" "nut" and "age" "strange".

The repeated lines work well, giving a strong beginning and more clarity to the end, making this a well rounded poem.

Besides the two areas where you strayed from the rhyme, this poem flows really well. It was a light and fun read.

Thank you for sharing your writing. I've enjoyed the read!













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Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*ButterflyO* *Vine2**Vine1**Vine2**Vine1**Vine2**Vine1* *RainbowL* Review by "Invalid Item" *RainbowR**Vine2**Vine1**Vine2**Vine1**Vine2**Vine1* *ButterflyO*


I am also conducting this review for "Invalid Item" . If you haven't yet, come check it out. You can review for chances to win prizes.

The theme of this poem seems to be one of disappointment. It is as if the subject of the poem is looking at those younger and disappointed at where the world has gone and the disrespect that exists among those younger.

I think that the subject of the writing is something that many can relate to. From time to time, I've been known to shake my head at the younger generation.

You stayed within the aabbcc rhyme scheme that you have set for your poem, which helps with the flow.

Some of the subject matter seems out of place and if you moved some lines around, I think the poem would be smoother. For example, the lines in the first stanza, second, and third stanza about poverty would make more sense being in the same stanza. Otherwise it is a little parasitic, changing from subject to subject for the same of rhyme, which interrupts the flow of the poem.

There are some grammar issues. One is in the first stanza. Between "away" and "our" there should be a semicolon. In the last stanza there is a spelling error. It is spelled forefather's.

Also, some of these lines seem a bit long winded. Tightening them up a bit would help with the flow, below are a one examples, but the issue is throughout.

But somehow most of us became way more than just bums
Correction: But we became more than bums

In stanza three you repeat concepts, which is a bit redundant. You begin letting the reader know that this is before welfare, then mention it again in a different way when you wrote about the system.

With some corrections, I think this would be a great poem. Thank you for sharing your writing.












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Review of My Sanctuary  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*ButterflyO* *Vine2**Vine1**Vine2**Vine1**Vine2**Vine1* *RainbowL* Review by "Invalid Item" *RainbowR**Vine2**Vine1**Vine2**Vine1**Vine2**Vine1* *ButterflyO*

I am also conducting this review for "Invalid Item" . If you haven't yet, come check it out. You can review for chances to win prizes.

While browsing the "Invalid Item" I saw this posted, so I thought I would share my thoughts on your writing. Remember, the thoughts expressed here are the opinions of one. It is up to you, the writer, to determine what advice to take. Hopefully you find my thoughts on your writing constructive.

There were some things that I liked a lot about this story. The overall idea that you present here are a really great concept for a love story. Though, there are some issues with the execution.

First of all, you switch from present to past tense a few times. This gets confusing for the reader. If you read through this again, the places that you switch tense will be obvious.

There needs to be some space between paragraphs. otherwise, the reader constantly loses their place which distracts from the story you are presenting.

As far as character development, I do feel that I knew the two main characters of the story. Though, some of the descriptions were a little too drawn out. For example, unless it is relevant to what is going on in the story, details such as what she is wearing have no importance. As far as her hair, if you want it known that she has long hair, add it to the actions of the story. Maybe since she is supposedly experiencing this in her mind, you could add it into the realization that she is wearing clothes that she was not wearing before.

There are some concepts that do not make sense. Apparently she is alert the whole time, because we are told that she hears her husband, likes/dislikes particular nurses. She even hears the doctors talking about her condition and her eyes are open. Yet, you say that she had no concept of time passing. This makes no sense.

As far as scenery, I do get a sense of where they are. The park bench was a nice touch and the fighting not to float up from it is. Though, it would help if there was a significance to the bench or park. Maybe it was the place that she met him or a place from childhood?

This is has the possibility of being a great story. Hopefully you revisit it and make the needed corrections to improve it. Thanks for sharing your writing.






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Review of My Ghost  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Image ID #1727505 Unavailable **


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



I am also conducting this review for "Invalid Item" . If you haven't yet, come check it out. You can review for chances to win prizes.

Welcome to WDC! Hopefully this site helps you to hone in on your writing skills. I know it has helped me greatly.

It seems to me this poem is about that hidden part of self where pain is stored from some sort of past trauma. Maybe that is just what I get from it, because I can relate to that. Either way, the theme of this poem is thought provoking and deep.

Structurally, you maintained the same rhyme scheme throughout with an abca rhyme scheme, with each stanza being four lines.

There are some grammar issues with the writing. If you are going to use punctuation, then you need to make sure that the sentences feel complete and are not fragments. Also, there are a lot of places here that would need a semicolon instead of a comma. Honestly, I think the poem would fare better if you got rid of all the punctuation.

The subject matter that you bring to light here, I believe needs some stronger phrases to express the emotions. Also, many of the phrases are very cliche such as her eyes being cold, "driving me insane", and "bound and gagged". Maybe think of some other analogies that are unique to you that express that vacancy that cold signifies and another way to express the self-bondage that you experience.

Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. Remember this is just the opinions of one person and it is up to you as the writer to determine what advice to take. Hopefully you have found my thoughts on your writing to be constructive.

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Review of Tom's Birthday  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
** Image ID #1727505 Unavailable **


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



I am also conducting this review for "Invalid Item" . If you haven't yet, come check it out. You can review for chances to win prizes.

Your still a newbie *Delight*, so I'm adding you into my monthly newbie reviews. I may be revisiting again soon *BigSmile*.

At first I was a little confused with the use of birthday with the girl to be honest, but it becomes obvious that birthday now has negative connotations and this is most definitely futuristic. As I became engrossed into the story, the futuristic use of words became easy to follow in the context of the sentences they were used in.

There are a lot of interesting changes in moral thoughts of the masses here too. Of course homosexuality has become more acceptable today, but it is still considered morally wrong to a lot of people. The futuristic thought that it is more the norm, rather than taboo, is really fitting in this story. Especially since it has to do with the overpopulation of the earth, it makes complete sense that such things as homosexuality would be more accepted, because they are likely to produce less offspring.

The character development was done really well. I really get a since of all the characters in appearance and personality. You do this without long drawn out descriptions, which helps the story flow really well, without getting boring.

The plot to me seemed like something someone would see on "The Outer Limits". In the meat of the story you write details so well that I was sad that this poor man had to leave those that he cared about, but I was vouching for his escape. So when the punchline comes and it is learned that it is a trick that is put on by the government, it is quite disturbing. Well done!

I enjoyed the read. Thank you for sharing your writing and good luck with the contest!

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Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
** Image ID #1727505 Unavailable **


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



I am also conducting this review for "Invalid Item" . If you haven't yet, come check it out. You can review for chances to win prizes.

Welcome to WDC! Hopefully this site helps you to hone in on your writing skills. I know it has helped me greatly.

The main issue with this story is that the first sentence begins in present tense, then you switch to past tense, then back again to present tense. This is a huge distraction and takes away from the story all together.

The other issue is that it is just too long winded for a short plot. The plot itself is a good one and I could see a story like this being written for a younger audience.

It is apparent that this is a rough draft, because there are various grammar issues. There are periods where there should be commas, place void of commas that need commas, and commas in contractions. "is,t" should be "isn't"

There are some things that are done well. How you explain the daughter gives a clear sense of the urgency of the situation. Also adding in how the father could not keep up is a nice addition to the story line. It shows his age without saying it, so it is apparent he is not a young man.

You also do well describing the animal and the situation that progresses with 911.

The ideas presented in this story are good. The deliver just needs some work. Hopefully you will revisit this and make some corrections. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. Remember this is just the opinions of one person and it is up to you as the writer to determine what advice to take. Hopefully you have found my thoughts on your writing to be constructive.

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Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.0)
** Image ID #1727505 Unavailable **


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



I am also conducting this review for "Invalid Item" . If you haven't yet, come check it out. You can review for chances to win prizes.

Welcome to WDC! Hopefully this site helps you to hone in on your writing skills. I know it has helped me greatly.

I clicked on this because the description described that it would be about transgender. It piqued my interest, because I have never seen anything on WDC about the subject. Also, I have had friends who were, so I was curious on the perspective the writing would take.

Honestly, I am not even sure if I understand your thoughts on the matter. It almost seems that you are yelling about people getting sex changes. Then you make a statement that you hope she didn't choose silicon for breast enhancements. It also seems that you are yelling about where it is legal and not.

There is no clear voice that makes it obvious if you are against it or for it. There is an over use of exclamation marks. You need to tone this down, because it just seems like you are doing a bunch of yelling otherwise.

There is also a lot that does not make sense and seems out of place. "Let's fly butterfly" --I totally do not get how that has anything to do with the lines. Then you mention someone not being a Jew. What does that have to do with anything? If "let's fly butterfly" is a person then there needs to be capital letters at the beginning of each word, which will make it a proper noun.

This is also riddled in spelling errors. "Hoo" is something an owl does. What you mean is Who. "Win" is something that happens when you achieve an accomplishment. What you mean is "when". "Moovee" seems like something having to do with a noise a cow makes, so what you mean is "movie". Also, I think you misspelled the name "Megan follows". I am pretty sure that is not a real name and that you meant some actress with a name that sounds similar.

Also with contractions you used commas in them with "Let,s" and "isn,t". This should be "Let's and isn't".


Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. Remember this is just the opinions of one person and it is up to you as the writer to determine what advice to take. Hopefully you have found my thoughts on your writing to be constructive.

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Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Image ID #1727505 Unavailable **


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



I am also conducting this review for "Invalid Item" . If you haven't yet, come check it out. You can review for chances to win prizes.

Welcome to WDC! Hopefully this site helps you to hone in on your writing skills. I know it has helped me greatly.

I like where you chose to take this prompt. The approach you took unfolded a heartwarming story. It just needs some repair. I can see the potential here, so if you get around to correcting this, I would be happy to adjust my rating according to those corrections. Just shoot me a message with a reminder of the link.

First of all, when writing a story, it is best not beginning with descriptions of the weather, especially with a short story. That is unless there is some action in the beginning grabbing the reader and you add the scenery in the action of what is happening. Since the girlfriend has nothing to do with this story, the whole bit about where she is and the Xbox could be deleted as well.

I can see that you are trying to explain why he passed out and trying to lead up to the nervous sweat he has after hanging up the phone later. You could simply say he fell asleep reading the book and even shortly mention the heat. Maybe sweat is dripping on his book and he looks up at the temperature gauge?

Something that I find odd in the story is that if the boy calling was him, then why doesn't he remember calling a man and having the conversation? You would think he would have a sense of deja vu. Maybe you could add this in there somehow or add clarity of why he doesn't remember calling someone.

In the second to last paragraph you switch from first person to third person. You refer to yourself as "he" instead of I.

The sentence below makes no sense in the story.

"Being rudely awaken in such a manner was just as much a part of my plan as it was to fall asleep in the first place".

This insinuates that you knew about the call and had planned it. Though you later explain that you didn't know why someone would be calling from that number. That statement also tells the reader that this is some sort of science fiction where the main character planned for his younger self to call.


Like I wrote in the beginning, this story is salvageable. With some repair it could be an excellent read. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. Remember this is just the opinions of one person and it is up to you as the writer to determine what advice to take. Hopefully you have found my thoughts on your writing to be constructive.

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Review of The first Steps  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
** Image ID #1727505 Unavailable **


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



I am also conducting this review for "Invalid Item" . If you haven't yet, come check it out. You can review for chances to win prizes.

Welcome to WDC! Hopefully this site helps you to hone in on your writing skills. I know it has helped me greatly.

Since I have a son with autism,the description of this story is what appealed to me. It seems that you are trying to share what goes on in the autistic mind and the express the frustrations that this individual with autism faces.

The main issue in the writing is that there is a lot of telling instead of showing. It seems more like a step by step description of what Duncan does. Maybe try and think about the emotions that may be in his mind and how an autistic individual such as Duncan may express those emotions.

It is apparent that you may be trying to describe frustrations, because you give a step by step analysis of Duncan wanting to write and then hours later very little is written. Though, I really think there needs to be more content in this story, besides just trying to write a paper in order for it to peak more interest in the reader to keep them wanting to read.

Maybe consider adding some of the other frustrations that Duncan feels with being autistic. Also, there is no clarity of where Duncan is on the spectrum. Is he high functioning? Low functioning? Struggles can vary depending on the individual. Giving some clarity here would strengthen this story.

Also, you need to distinguish between Duncan's inner thoughts and what he says out loud. I would suggest using quotation marks where he speaks out loud and then italics when it is his inner thoughts.

There also needs to be spaces between some of the paragraphs. This helps the readers eyes. Otherwise, my eyes get a little lost reading it and I have to back track sometimes. In addition, that first paragraph can be broken up into three paragraphs.

Overall, I think that this is a great concept for a story. Having a child (now a grown man) who is on the spectrum, I find the autistic mind fascinating. Often my son shows me so many more perspectives on life, because he thinks so differently that the majority. So, I suppose, that is what I hoped to glimpse into with this writing. You acquired this somewhat. I would keep polishing this and adding more of Duncan's story. It is definitely worth salvaging.

Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. Remember this is just the opinions of one person and it is up to you as the writer to determine what advice to take. Hopefully you have found my thoughts on your writing to be constructive.

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Review of Between the lines  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



I am also conducting this review for "Invalid Item" . If you haven't yet, come check it out. You can review for chances to win prizes.

Welcome to WDC! Hopefully this site helps you to hone in on your writing skills. I know it has helped me greatly.

For me this seemed as though you used the relationship with the young individual to contrast your own in an attempt to show your own decline. It is as if this relationship with them is a reflection of what once was. You envy that youth, but you realize it is no longer your time to experience the more busier side of life. Instead, you have accepted your decline. This is obvious with the last stanza, because you explain your impending death.

The voice you use in the poem is more conversational. It is as if you are speaking to this younger person, but also to yourself. One could conclude that when you wrote "we are great friends" that you are not really referring to friends in the literal sense, because the poem explains mostly watching this person, the similarities to your youth, and the contrast with your life now.

For the most part, I like the way you used enjambment, especially in the second stanza and toward the end of the third stanza where you explain this person leaving and coming back.

I like some of the word usage here. The use of "pall" is a particularly brave choice. It sets the scene for what this person looks like as they are living this busy life, becoming frazzled with it all. It creates more of a dark perspective on it. It is as if you envy that youth, yet you resent that you don't have it anymore.

Also, portend is another interesting word choice that is not used very often. Since it refers to things that are omens or futuristic predictions, it gives clarity to the last stanza. You can see your future decline and in a way, this vision of the youth you describe throughout the poem reminds you of this eventual decline.

There is some issues with the grammar. In many places you are missing commas and periods. It is as if you were not sure whether you wanted to use grammar or not. I suggest committing to one or the other. Other than that, this is a decent free verse poem.

Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. Remember this is just the opinions of one person and it is up to you as the writer to determine what advice to take. Hopefully you have found my thoughts on your writing to be constructive.

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Review of Dying In Peace  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
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*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


I am also conducting this review for "Invalid Item" . If you haven't yet, come check it out. You can review for chances to win prizes.

Welcome to WDC! Hopefully this site helps you to hone in on your writing skills. I know it has helped me greatly.

Overall,this is a great poem. It just needs some repair. The major issue is that the misuse of punctuation is really distracting. Commas, semicolons and periods are misused throughout. Here is a site that might help with understanding grammar rules: http://www.grammarbook.com/english_rules.asp

The tone of this poem throughout is sad. I particularly like how you used opposites to enhance this emotion in the poem. You take things that typically symbolize life, and contrast them with their decay and/or negative aspects.

At first reading the poem, I thought this was going to be a dark nature poem, but when I got to the fourth stanza, I realized that this poem was a metaphor for how the subject feels about death. It seems that you are describing the transition to death. Though, this is not clear for sure, so I would suggest maybe adding some clarity in those first three stanzas.

As far as word usage, you begin almost all of the lines with words that are strengthened by a stressed syllable then you end with a word that has a high syllable count. When read out loud these characteristics give each line repetition and to flow in a contumely way. There is emphasis, and then there is a decline. I hope that makes sense. Though you stray from this in the second line of the last stanza. Maybe consider revising with the addition of beginning the line with a stressed syllable rather than "its".

The rhyme scheme is consistent throughout, for the most part. "aimlessly" and "provocatively" my both end in ly, but they are only near rhymes. The same with "haphazardly" and "softly". These words interrupt the flow of the poem.

My favorite part of this poem is the imagery that you project. You do well with portraying the dark emotions that have to do with death.

Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. Remember this is just the opinions of one person and it is up to you as the writer to determine what advice to take. Hopefully you have found my thoughts on your writing to be constructive.

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Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



I am also conducting this review for "Invalid Item" . If you haven't yet, come check it out. You can review for chances to win prizes.

Hey there, I have been reading you a bit and have seen you everywhere. I also noticed that you were the August spotlight at the Newbie's Academy. Congratulations!

I noticed that there are only four entries to this blog and you haven't written in it for a while. Hopefully you haven't abandoned the project, because this is an awesome idea. I could definitely see you sharing with others here new learning as you grow. It could be a record of progress of sorts.

You mentioned in one of your blogs that you struggle with showing instead of telling. I think that is a challenge for most newer writers. In your case, you do really well. I've noticed that you have actually won first place in some contests for your short stories. Congratulations on that too!

I like that you shared some links here that apply to writing and reviewing. For those who are diving into short fiction, they will help greatly. I'm expanding my port with short fiction, so I might be revisiting that link page again.

Honestly, I do hope that you continue this blog. It is a great idea. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. Remember this is just the opinions of one person and it is up to you as the writer to determine what advice to take. Hopefully you have found my thoughts on your writing to be constructive.

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Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
** Image ID #2095961 Unavailable **


I am conducting this review for "Invalid Item" . Your story was suggested at "Invalid Item"  and I figured I would read and give you some feedback on the writing. 2095756

First impression
I found this story intriguing and original. Honestly, I would be interested in seeing where you would take this story.

Plot
This is the first chapter, so we are introduced to some of the characters, rather than given the plot in entirety. There are definitely hints left within the chapter that encourage the reader to want to read the next chapter.

The actions that occur, such as the battle with the succubus grab the reader. I especially like that you began the chapter with this, because it grabs the reader.

The ending of this chapter is done perfectly, because it ends with suspicion of something following him. As the reader, I want to turn the page to find answers.

Character development
I get a strong sense of the main characters personality and looks with you showing me, rather than telling me. You have effectively added this into the happenings of the story, rather than giving long drawn out boring descriptions.

Things that the main character says to the succubus, makes him look somewhat of a comedian. This is also apparent with his conversation with his friend during the second half of the story.

I like how you explain the inner thoughts on beauty when it comes to being a wizard. It really shows how his character is intuitive, which is fitting if he is a wizard.

Setting
Honestly, I am a little lost to whether this takes place in current times, in the future, or in the past. Also, there is no clear picture given of the scenery. We know that the story with the succubus takes place in a room with some cleaning supplies available as weapons, but we don't know what they are. Are they at a hotel? Her apartment? You could easily add these details into the actions of the story.

Overall thoughts
I really enjoyed this first chapter. Other than the issues with the setting, I think that this is a well thought out and creative write.

Thank you for sharing your writing. I have enjoyed the read. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.

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Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #2095961 Unavailable **


I am conducting this review for "Invalid Item" . Your story was suggested at "Invalid Item"  and I figured I would read and give you some feedback on the writing.

First impression
I think that with a little bit of repair this could be a great first chapter for a novel. I especially appreciate that you have chosen to use a strong female as the main character, because in my opinion, comparatively there is less literature with women as the lead character than there are men.

Plot
This is obviously a detective story. It seems that you used the first chapter as a way of introducing the main character. There are several things that go on in the chapter, but nothing to signify or hint to the reader what the book is going to be about, besides it most likely being a detective story. So, for me, this seems to conclude like a short story.

The actual happenings in the chapter kept me glued to the writing and it is well written. There are two main events that occur that have conclusions. One is the issue with the surfers cutting newbies off in the water. The other is the woman that enters her office at the end wanting her to help lie about the woman's husband for alimony money, but the main character does not sacrifice her morality for the woman.

character development
The main character, Kenna, is developed well in this story. I really get a sense of this strong and independent woman. She is apparently not afraid to stand up for what is right and for the underdog. she is very likable.

Some things that you share about the newbie that she helps out give clues to his personality. The whole ring thing with the surf board was a nice touch. It should him to be more human than just an ass, because he was embarrassed enough to put his and behind the surfboard.

Then with the manipulative woman at the end, the sense of self entitlement is evident when she shows up early expecting the detective to deal with her outside of normal appointment hours. This is fitting with what she eventually tries to get the detective to do.

Setting
You did well describing the setting in the beginning of the story with the actions of what was happening and avoiding long drawn out descriptions that weaken the story. I know that it is not Hawaii, but there is a Hawaii 5-O feel to it, especially with all the surfing and detective aspects.

When you get to the second half of the story, the descriptions of the setting get a little drawn out. Maybe consider revising this with adding some of the setting into the actions with the woman that visits her office.

Suggestions for improvement
When you are describing her getting dressed it is a little too descriptive and drawn out. I would consider summarizing this a bit.

Overall impression
I found the main character Kenna intriguing and I liked the stories you present around her. There is just nothing that stuck out to me that signified that this was a chapter in a book, rather than two short stories about the same character. Maybe add some hints of something that tells the reader they need to read more to get the answers, especially since this is labeled as a mystery writing.

Thank you for sharing your writing. I enjoyed the read. Hopefully my thoughts on it have been helpful.




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Review of Suffocating  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
** Image ID #1727505 Unavailable **


I am conducting this review for "Invalid Item" . You seem to be tackling more than just typical body issues that women face today. It seems you are attempting to explain a more extreme case, which sometimes manifests into other issues such as eating disorders. I know you did not mention any other disorders, but since you feel it is severe enough for psychological help, then the assumption of other issues other than stereotypical insecurity is there.

There are some impressionable lines in the writing. The lines where you refer to you holding the pillow is especially powerful. It is as if there is an element of self blame there. You are suffocating yourself with the self degradation.

The feeling that you allow the outside appearances to reflect what is inside is apparent throughout. Especially since you value the looks of others somehow making them better than you, because you do not feel you have their qualities and their level of stereotypical physical perfection. This is especially apparent with the comparisons between you and them and how it makes you sob when you look in the mirror. Then of course it is effecting your relationship in a very negative way.

There are some issues with the flow, because of some unneeded words and grammar issues. In the first stanza you stutter apparently unintentionally with "that that". Secondly, there is the issue of inconsistency with contractions. In some areas you use them and in others you do not. For example, in some areas you wrote "do not" and in other areas you wrote "don't". Lastly, commas and periods are used incorrectly throughout the poem. In order to tell you where the errors are in that respect I would have to correct the grammar throughout the whole entire poem. Instead, I will share some links that may help you with understanding how to use these things correctly in writing (http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/GRAMMAR/commas.htm).

With some corrections, this could be a good poem. Just keep polishing it as you learn. Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, this is the opinion of just one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.



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Review of Beautiful Fall  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
** Image ID #1727505 Unavailable **


I am conducting this review for "Invalid Item" . I am reviewing this because you asked me to take a look. I am glad that my last review was helpful. Sometimes I fear that people are going to think I am mean when I leave honest feedback, especially when others have been reviewing their work with high stars. Though, it was those who dared to be honest with me that have helped me become a better writer.

You have done better with this poem in a few ways. For one, you decided on a rhyme scheme and stuck to it throughout. Also, you got a little creative with the rhyme scheme with making the third line of each stanza rhyme with the stanza that comes after.

Another aspect that you improved on is content. You are observing what appears to be Autumn, which in a sense is a time of death, because flowers are turning to seed and trees are shedding their leaves. Then there is a punchline that creates an emotion in the reader, because you are actually at a gravestone.

There are some things you do that are apparently put in place to keep the syllable count. The word "do" in the second line seems out of place. When you speak, would you say "the orange and red leaves fall" or would you say "the orange and red leaves do fall".

You have also improved on this by attempting to use analogy as imagery to portray emotion with "like a knife", though this is a little cliche. maybe consider finding other imagery that works to display this feeling that is more original to you.

Like the other poem I read, you switch the subject and the predicate in a few places. "Flannel and Boots I will wear" would read better as "I wear flannel and boots". It is apparent that you did this to maintain the syllable count and rhyme scheme, but it interrupts with the flow.

The best poetry is compact in meaning, with each line creating an impact on the reader. Those writings encourage the reader to reread the writing, because each time the return there is new meaning in the poem. Here is an article that you might find of interest (http://learn.lexiconic.net/elementsofpoetry.htm). The writing is directed to educating someone in how to read poetry, but it also explains poetic elements in a way that easy to understand, which is why I am sharing it with you.

I have a suggestion for you. Choose one of the figurative devices listed in the website that I have shared and write something using it. This will maybe help you in grasping the concept of creating imagery in poetry.

Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. Remember, this is just the opinion of one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to take. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.


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Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1727505 Unavailable **


I am conducting this review for "Invalid Item" . While I was snooping around your port looking to see if you wrote anything new recently I ran into this. What a great way to display what you are doing at The Poetry Place.

This is a great poem by the way and wonderful example of the set form. Definitely fitting for the season too! I could definitely see this being turned into a little children's book with a few lines on each page.

It looks like the form doesn't appear that the form requires a particular meter, but you have done so anyways, which helps with the flow of the poem. Though, that last line trips me. I think it is because when I read the poem out loud, I want to chant it, like one might say, "Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat". Then the last line just seems out of place with the whole poem. At first I thought it was just because it didn't rhyme and the syllable count is longer. Then I realized that it is because throughout the poem you use one and two syllable words, so that three syllable word just throws the line off along with the wonderful flow of the rest of the poem.

Also, it is dress-up, not dress up. Other than that I don't see any more grammar or spelling issues. Since you have a better grasp on grammar than I do, I am sure if there was issues in that area you have or will fix them.

The five stars is for the awesome idea of a blog for your Poetry Place assignments. It is a wonderful way to display your work in the group. Then it will be easier to see your progression.

Thank you for sharing your writing. I've enjoyed the read. Remember this is the opinion of just one person. It is up to you, the writer to determine what advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing




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Review of Hush  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
** Image ID #1727505 Unavailable **


I am conducting this review for "Invalid Item" . I chose to snoop into the folder that this poem is in, because I have a love and preference for formed poetry. When done correctly, sonnets have a musical quality.

There are a lot of technical issues with this poem. Other than the end rhyme scheme, it does not follow the rules of a Spencerian sonnet. For reference check out this great little video: http://study.com/academy/lesson/spenserian-sonnet-...

In order to follow the restrictions of the Spencerian sonnet form, you would need to have ten syllables per line with every other syllable stressed. Some lines are iambic, but not all are ten syllables. Then of course you stray from the iambic in many lines.

Another issue within this writing is the cliche analogies. Wording like "axe to the grind" is an old saying and used too often. Maybe think of imagery of your own invention that would resemble this emotion instead.

To help you with understanding iambic pentameter, here are some helpful links for learning below:
http://www.shakespeare-online.com/sonnets/sonnetst...
http://study.com/academy/lesson/iambic-pentameter-...

Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. Remember, this is the opinions of one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to take. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.














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Review of The Shed  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


I noticed that you have an anniversary with WdC this month. Happy anniversary! Thank you for your contribution in helping this site to be the amazing site that it is.

This is a well structured and well thought out story. It flows well without any major issues that distract from the content. I was glued to it from beginning to end.

You did well showing without telling. I really get a sense of the emotions of the characters, without you telling me bluntly how they feel. The fear and rushed emotions from the child are evident with his actions. This is the case with the man helping him in the story as well.

In addition, instead of giving boring details of scenery, you use the actions in the story to present a picture. Often when people give step by step descriptions,it becomes boring and my eyes want to just skip it and get to the important bits. With your story, I did not want to skip over anything.

The only thing that I would suggest is adding italics when you are expressing the inner thoughts not spoken out loud. This enhances the emotions of the thoughts and differentiates between the story telling and inner dialogue.

I have enjoyed the read. Thanks for sharing your writing. Remember, this is the opinion of just one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to take. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful

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Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1727505 Unavailable **

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


I noticed that you have an anniversary with WdC. Happy anniversary and thank you for your contribution in making this the amazing site that it is.

This is a lovely poem. What I enjoyed most was the concept of something so simple as the cream colored paint on the walls could hold so much meaning, because it is in a home full of joy,love, and memories.

I have some suggestions that I feel will improve the poem. For one, I would change from the format of beginning each line with capital letters. Instead I would only capitalize the first word of the sentence.

Also, you need to remove some weaker words. Below are some examples.

It doesn't just watch meals be prepared
or eaten
or cleaned up

Also I would play around with line breaks a little more. Below is an example for corrects that I would recommend for only one part of the poem.

(space after cleaned up)
Suddenly

It watches babies grow
fights fizzle to hugs
beautiful people dance

Suddenly

Cream colored paint is safety
happy
memory
love

Thank you for sharing our writing. Remember the thoughts expressed here are from only one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to take. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.


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Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
** Image ID #1727505 Unavailable **

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*

I noticed that you have an anniversary with WdC coming up. Happy anniversary! Thank you for your contributions to this site. It is dedicated members like yourself that make this a wonderful community to share our writing.

This is a wonderful tribute to those you serve and help us. Since this includes three poems, I'll break my review up into three sections.

Ambulance

I'm not sure if it was intentional, but in many areas assonance is present with the repeated a sound in stanza one with the words flashing, a-waing, ambulance, save, failing, traffic, jams, behave, cars, parting, wave. If somehow you could incorporate this use of assonance throughout the rest of the poem, it would help with the flow, since the meter varies throughout the poem.

The rhyme scheme you use in the writing is aabb cdce fghg iiji klml. The lack consistency within the rhyme scheme trips the reader a bit and interrupts the flow. It is perfectly acceptable to create your own pattern of rhyme, but there is no pattern here, which throws the reader off a bit.

There are some grammar issues. In the first stanza there should be a comma after a-wailing and after behave. In stanza there needs to be a comma after compassion. The issue consistently throughout the poem.

Fire

Again, you use assonance in the first stanza but not consistently throughout the rest of the poem. In the first line there is a repeated u sound with huge, truck, hurting. In the second line the repeated i sound is used with brilliant, light, into, and night. In the fourth line there is the repeated a and i sound with make, way, fire, and fight.

Assonance is used in other lines as well. It is in stanza three with blaze and made, in stanza four with "each step greeted", and in stanza five with eager and reach. Like I wrote before, if this use of assonance was used throughout the poem, it would help with the flow, since the meter is inconsistent throughout the poem.

The comma issue that is in the first poem is present in this poem as well. In the first stanza there needs to be a comma after road, night, and blaring. There also needs to be a period after fight. These grammar issues are present throughout the poem.

Police

Like the other poems, the comma issue is throughout this poem and so is the rhyme scheme. Some stanzas there is no rhyme at all.

Even if your intention is to write in free verse, it is still important to have some sort of structure throughout. Some people have the misconception that free verse does not have to have any structure. The reality is that a well written free verse does have structure, only the structural aspects are invented by the writer rather than using those that are set by other people.

I like how you end each of these poems in a common way. I gives a repetition that makes all three poems work together as one piece of writing.

Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, this is the opinion of only one person. It is up to you, the writer to decide which advice to take. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.



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