First of all, welcome to WDC! You seem to making this place your second home. Lately I have seen you everywhere from contests to other groups that I belong to, so I figured I would take a look at some of your writing and review.
This particular piece of writing I initially read as a Screams submission. The horrific theme is definitely fitting for the groups contest.
When I first read the title, I knew the name seemed familiar and after reading it I knew for sure I had learned of this female serial killer before in a documentary. Still, it was interesting reading it in a story format, rather than just watching it in a documentary format.
The overall feel of the writing brings a disturbed shutter, especially when the story comes to full circle making it obvious that the man in the beginning of the story was actually buying a female child. The imagery of Enriqueta's nonchalant attitude, the creepy man's appearance in the beginning and end, and the frightened girl, make my skin crawl. The characters are developed well for such a short write, because I really get a sense of Enriqueta's erragence and the man's perversion.
The plot was expressed well in this writing, leaving a bit of mystery that makes the reader want to read more. This was accomplished with the not knowing what the man was buying in the beginning of the story. With the whispers of sorcery on the streets, one might be mislead to thinking that it is a potion of sorts, but then she takes something from the dark streets for which even from the reader i hidden beneath her cape. This was clever writing.
In some ways you embellished the story in order to enhance the details. It was said that Enriqueta would go out at night to the casinos where the wealthy were. She would wear elaborate clothing, wigs, and it was suspected that this is where she would find her wealthy clients. You story differs in that you describe her way of dress as standing out, which gives an image that she had a mystical allure among the general population.
The scenery was embellished upon as well, because you describe a horrific basement scene. The actual scene is written well with disturbing images of torture, extracting of blood, and death. I'm not sure if one of the three buildings she rented for her crimes had a basement, but your interpretation fits her crimes committed.
For the most part the grammar and spelling is error free, especially with the time restrictions to write this for the contest. Though there are a few places in need of correct.
The coachman sad in front, waiting. (sat)
Inside a horror scene unimaginable. (sentence fragment)
Overall, the story is written well. Where I find fault is in the false information in the story. In some places such as there being a basement crime-scene and description of her roped appearance work well, but in other areas changes and/or additions to the real story do not work as well.
How she actually stole children was more horrifying than your telling. Instead of stealing them in darkness under her cloak, she really did so in daylight, usually disguised as a beggar. Also, she was not hung in jail. She was actually beaten after spending over a year there awaiting trial. The most shocking part of her story is actually that the names of her clients that knowingly bought items made from murdered children and bought children for sexual purposes were partially leaked out to the public. To protect them law enforcement portrayed her client list as her victims, so they were never tried for their part. To me the truth is more disturbing than your fiction displayed.
Writing that she was "accidentally caught" is sort of correct, because a neighbor became suspicious after seeing two children playing in front of an upper apartment window. The children had braved entering rooms that she forbade them to enter. The telling of these children were actually more frightening, because one of them was forced to eat the flesh of another child and was witness to the murder of a child. One of those children found was most likely stolen at birth and taught that Enriqueta was her mother. The real identity of this child raised by the serial killer was never known. I believe a story from this child's view would be a much better story, because a fictional telling could fill in unknown gaps of this child's upbringing by the serial killer and possibly what the child became as a result from teachings could make for a terrifying story.
I commend you for writing such a well thought out story in such a short time that the contest allows. Your story telling skills are phenomenal. Maybe apply this skill to more fictional work, rather than embellishing on non-fiction.
Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. Remember this is just the opinions of one person and it is up to you as the writer to determine what advice to take. Hopefully you have found my thoughts on your writing to be constructive. Most importantly, keep writing.
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