I am more into historical writings than this sort of subject, but yours caught my eye when flashing through some to read. When I read an interesting piece like yours, I go back and remember my sweet old high school English teacher, Miss Davis. She knew how to bring out the best writing skills in the worst of us. Her main point was that when you write, think of the reader creating a movie inside his head. As he reads, he is picturing the flow of events through images he creates in his mind from your words. If early in your story you say something like, “The rabbit jumped in a hole”, and later you mention the hole was in a tree and not the ground, you have completely destroyed the reader’s flow of images. It is difficult for a reader to reverse his imagination once it has been set in motion. Always be descriptive and never leave a reader to guessing what you meant for him to see.
I can honestly say that if I have not already started a good picture in my head by the end of the first paragraph, I stop reading and go onto something else. Yours placed me in the mood to read on by putting pictures in my head of a person (male or female) being broken down on an isolated road near an unidentified small town where an old man in a beat-up truck stops to help. That was a lot to say in such a short paragraph. You filled in the question of gender shortly in the second paragraph by introducing the main character as Susan. Now my movie was complete to continue filming as a I read on. The rest was icing on the cake.
My first conclusion after finishing this well-written piece is it ain't your first rodeo. I suspect you had someone like old Miss Davis in your past also. Your descriptive writing abilities capture the reader's imagination completely. I could clearly see Charlie working under the Impala and Susan shucking corn in the kitchen with Mary.
Some writers create stories without an intent. Once you finish it, you wonder what they were trying to get across to the readers. Yours had a definite intent. At least to me it was a story of a young woman trapped in a dull life in the city who unexpectedly finds piece in a laid-back town with friendly people. Well done and I will be looking for more of your creations as you post them.
I am more into historical writings than this sort of subject, but yours caught my eye when flashing through some to read. When I read an interesting piece like yours, I go back and remember my sweet old high school English teacher, Miss Davis. She knew how to bring out the best writing skills in the worst of us. Her main point was that when you write, think of the reader creating a movie inside his head. As he reads, he is picturing the flow of events through images he creates in his mind from your words. If early in your story you say something like, “The rabbit jumped in a hole”, and later you mention the hole was in a tree and not the ground, you have completely destroyed the reader’s flow of images. It is difficult for a reader to reverse his imagination once it has been set in motion. Always be descriptive and never leave a reader to guessing what you meant for him to see.
Your first paragraph captured me right off. I could see an African boy and his read dog in a grassy field near a railroad track on a hot day. From there I had to read the rest because the picture was perfectly planted in my head. The rest was just icing on the cake.
I suspect you are not new to writing and maybe might have had an old English teacher like Miss Davis. You have inspired me now to finally write about my first encounter of walking up on a pride of lions in Kenya many years ago. I was there getting a new hospital up and running and missed the bus one morning getting to work. I took the quickest route from the village and walked into a clearing full of lions resting under a big tree. The male was startled and stood up to look at me in my frozen horror. The deafening roar took 10 years off my lifespan.
I am more into historical writings than this sort of subject, but yours caught my eye when flashing through some to read. When I read an interesting piece like yours, I go back and remember my sweet old high school English teacher, Miss Davis. She knew how to bring out the best writing skills in the worst of us. Her main point was that when you write, think of the reader creating a movie inside his head. As he reads, he is picturing the flow of events through images he creates in his mind from your words. If early in your story you say something like, “The rabbit jumped in a hole”, and later you mention the hole was in a tree and not the ground, you have completely destroyed the reader’s flow of images. It is difficult for a reader to reverse his imagination once it has been set in motion. "Always be descriptive and never leave a reader to guessing what you meant for him to see", she used to say.
If I didn't know better, I swear you spent a lot of time with old Miss Davis. While reading your piece, I was able early to create a video in my head of the cat tracks in the snow near the old cracked-open barn door. In other words, your first paragraph set the scene and the reader was captured. The rest was just candy on top. I suspect you have spent a lot of time reading and writing and you are no amateur. I will be looking for more of your works as a thumb through this site.
Interesting. Born in 2005 makes you just 14 years old this October. I don't remember doing anything at that age except chasing cute girls, nonetheless writing short stories like this. I am more of a historian than reviewer of short biographies. I look more at spelling, punctuation, and body before content. For example, your sentence:
"My brother was always there for me just like I was always there for him until he started to get in trouble with the law he started to push me away and started to hang around with the wrong crowd and him and some of his 'friends' got into some trouble and he was sent to JDC if you don't know what that is it is the Juvenile Detention Center he took the blame for something they did just because was older and felt obligated to take the blame."
Now, that is a lot said in one long sentence. It is more like a paragraph than anything. Dividing it up into smaller sentences would give the reader a chance to catch his breath and absorb more of what you are trying to say.
I gather that your story intent is to convey to me that you and your brother had a difficult childhood due to your mother's condition. In just this short piece, you manage to get your situation and feelings converted into words. That is what writing is all about and you succeeded. I would suggest on your next piece, make shorter sentences and write like you want me to see what you see through words. For a girl of 14 (assuming Haven is a girl's name) you show talent and ambition. I look forward to reading more of your works.
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