|I am more into historical writings than this sort of subject, but yours caught my eye when flashing through some to read. When I read an interesting piece like yours, I go back and remember my sweet old high school English teacher, Miss Davis. She knew how to bring out the best writing skills in the worst of us. Her main point was that when you write, think of the reader creating a movie inside his head. As he reads, he is picturing the flow of events through images he creates in his mind from your words. If early in your story you say something like, “The rabbit jumped in a hole”, and later you mention the hole was in a tree and not the ground, you have completely destroyed the reader’s flow of images. It is difficult for a reader to reverse his imagination once it has been set in motion. Always be descriptive and never leave a reader to guessing what you meant for him to see.
Being a 67 year-old white American male who has worked himself around the Earth several times, I can say that the world of call-girls is not new to me. I always marveled at how such ladies could see multiple clients a day and treat me as if it were the only encounter for months. Your story exposes the laid-back world of Joan's profession in almost a comical manner. Well done and spot on relating to my experiences. With that said, you surprised me deep in the story when Joan told Mokuba, "You and Seto are only my second and third clients ever." I had to go back a couple of times and re-read that, because I was certain from the video you placed in my head that she was a professional with a lot of experience.
One thing I have no experience in is gaming. You used terminology here that I have never heard before. It took me awhile to understand where Mark took Joan after he picked her up. But, eventually I figured the scene out and understood what followed.
You have obviously nailed descriptive writing. From the moment Joan stepped off the Caltrain onto the platform with cell phone in hand, I had the vision started and it flowed like a movie throughout my reading. I could see clearly the walk with Mokuba and picture this cute Japanese girl holding his hand.
At the end, you left me wanting to know more. Did she meet with Roland later on and did he act like a Psychopath? So many questions left unanswered for me in this story. But, you let me know this was only part of the story in your early notes. Very entertaining and I will keep an eye out for more.