I found two unrealistic points in it at the beginning of your story.
“Yes ma’am,” I said. Am I in the dean’s office?
That was not funny, It was not needed, and it distracted the reader by interupting the flow of the story.
Number 2 ---- not taking back the keys right away after unlocking your door so you could satisy the landlord and then return to your apartment -- that did make sense to me.
I am still giving you a high rating because most of the story was well written.
Pretty good. Your poem tells a story - which most poems I have read on here do not
I like this part:
She says she wants a little bite,
I’ll tell you she’s a delight.
She drinks coffee from a spoon,
She even dances when I give her room.
She tries to sing a song so sweet,
But that is something she can’t complete.
Does Katie really drink coffee from a spoon?
Most animals will not do that - unless for some reason they get addicted to it.
"It smells like poison, but it gives energy to my sore muscles." - a quote from a book a wrote.
Dear fellow Americans, being dead has given me the freedom to divulge things I never could have let slip when I was alive. But if you still refuse to believe me after all the trouble I went through to tell you what is really going on then you can kiss my moldy, dead Missouri ass.
That was a great paragraph. Thanks
Well done story.
I just have one suggestion; Dont give away the good stuff so early.
letting me know it was Harry S Truman so early kind of ruined it for me. I think i would have enjoyed it more if the dead person was just some dead person no name and then his name is Harry .... and then later he is the Vice President and then I say to myself which VP and then I discover it before you tell me it was Harry S. Truman.
I was a nothing. And I read a great historian and author. Plus, you were a great author who resrtcted your talents to explain a phenomenon. I was not worthy to rate you ,
Your knowledge is beyond my comrehension.
I am just an old soldier who says with his last gasp, "Hey churchie Christians, jesus never discriminated against atheists. Why do you?"
an electromagnetic print off the blood -- do you mean print of the blood? I am not sure. The sentence just distracted me.
clearly the work of a sociopath. And there was the matter of the souvenirs. Everything about this case pointed in two different, and mutually exclusive, directions. Nothing fit together, except that someone was going to very great lengths to remain uncaught.
using "clearly" and then later "very' == with rare exceptions, those terms are a sign that the author is trying to push the story down the reader's throat. It's like a small child trying to convince his or her parents that something was "very" important.
You have a good story, so keep it neat.
daguerreotype == If a reader has to go to the dictionary to understand a term , then the author has failed to communicate.
I think it mixed the thoughts of the narrator pretty good.
I enjoyed the ending:
I adjust position in the chair and look at this guardian of peace and think how proud it is to be his nephew.
After a few moments I ask, "What can this piece do again?" He smiles and lovingly messes my hair from across table. "This the first time you played chess?"
According to Quantum Physics, matter does not actually exist. Some modern physicists believe that matter exists as waves rather than specific points in time and space but can be effected by such phenomena as black holes which may create rifts in the space time continuum. What classical physicists (such as Newton) previously thought of as matter, are just compounds of elements that are made up of atoms that are made up of quarks and leptons, which are - energy. Ergo, we do not exist as matter.
However, just because one follows a line of logic, does not prove that it is reasonable. I am not parsing words with that statement. I present to you the term "uncertainty principle"
A thousand years pass during which incredible temperatures were achieved. As the temperatures began cooling to a point, it allowed the energy to form into suns. Finally, in a desperate attempt to satisfy the attraction drawing them together, the power of a million suns combine, sending a wave of energy crashing into the void of the universe. A trillion times trillion watts of energy tumble on in the darkness absorbing anything in its path
I suggest you relax and just tell the story in you own words.
Wow !! That was a lot of work - and some good observations.
and that was a pretty design
The job is almost done! "
"Must keep them Terrorists on the run!"
"We can't abandon Iraq until we know we've won."
"So sorry for the 100 dead civilians per insurgent one."
"Just another 30,000 surge, so send us your brave sons."
"Trillion dollar debts, their kids can pay these no small sums!"
"Waterboarding works. Don't call it torture. We don't break thumbs!"
NO NO NO! Time true Patriots stand and shout "Convict these Bums!"
Lean hard on traitors, like Lieberman, to not just lose their parties,
But instead, to restore our Republic; do we still have one?
Hit the REAL Axis of Evil => ARREST Cheney-Bush!
Perhaps small justice, but at least some!
I think a lot of your knowledge was wasted because of the restrictons of the design. I suggest you write a novel that covers those points. By using the internet, you could probably document all your observations.
Then I ran into this:
Patrons called him Giggles because he couldn’t crack a smile without breaking bones.
It distracted me big time. I couldn't concentrate on the story for a while.
Well, I read the whole thing and I am impressed by your imagination I would say your story could be made into a unique movie pretty easily.
I only saw two hang-ups in the flow of the story -- that giggles joke I mentioned earlier, and the initials UA without explaining what it was.
good overall. In my opinion the opening conversations were contrived and wanted me to forget reading any further.
But, beginning with "James Walker, the man in question, had always been obsessed with dreams of flying. As a young boy, he always watched birds and how they were free to soar through the skies and explore
From there to the end of what I read was excellent - story wise.
Someone e-mailed me and said never try to help someone by pointing out what you think is a weakness in their story. However, I think you could improve the opening conversations and have a great novel.
I enjoyed (in agony) how you prolonged the issue of your invisibility to others.
I don't know what to say except, "Good job setting up your ending few paragraphs. I give you a level 5 top rating for your beginning paragraphs, but I think you need to work on your final few paragraphs at the end.
Also, your work could be the beginning of a full novel - maybe a philosophical novel - or just the beginning of a life story about yourself.
Good job.
PS: If you find the time, please glance at my novel, and find something bad about it so I can improve it.
I especially like this expression early in the story: "she felt her on-board had some explaining to do." It was simple and self explanatory - not like some phony descriptions I have read in other science ficton novels.
You had a real understanding of reality with this expression: lay back and closed her eyes in a rebellious attempt at sleep.
Now that I see you have a knowledge of reality, I am prepared to read what will at first glance seem unrealistic - just guessing.
“No. It was attacked.” I am not sure, but I think this needs to be explained pretty quickly in the story. A robot disagreeing with a human so insistantly is against the prime directive needed for robots. -- no big deal. I like the idea of a robot speaking up. I am just asking for someplace to explain how her robot was put together.
no matter what you decide, this story is excellent.
I have to go now. I am new to this site. Is there a way I can flag or follow you for easy access to come back and read the rest of your story later?
PS: If you get time, please read some of my story and tell me something that is wrong with it. -- I tend to learn best from sharp critcisms.
I don't usually like that type of story. But that first chapter was amazing. I felt like I was there with the gentle breeze and the peaceful lake. And then wham, the creature arose just enough to let you describe his as a protector. I am sorry, I didn't go to the next chapter. I want to just go sit down appreciate your chapter one. - (how do I follow your story - so I can find it and read more later?) Yes, I am a newbie.
A very good initial idea. Giving an inanimate object a personality is usually an entertaining read. Your story held my attention through-out. However, comma, I suggest you work on it some more to not give it away so early. Mentioning the frame twice was good for impact but it took away the mystery. How you will keep the mystery a little longer -- I have no idea.
Overall a good read. If you refine it just a tad, I would bet it would win a contest.
A+ for imagination. I enjoyed the format so much that I sat back and just enjoyed how you intertwined famous and not so famous quotes in your story line.
I will try to find technical errors in it later. But for now I am rushing to tell my wife about what you did. "Carolyn, I just saw a new type of novel. And, it meets the truest definition of Novel." How so, Darling? ... 'Cause 'novel' means 'new' and
Elem showed me something that was new to me."
(I would love for you to review my novel. The more you say bad about it, the more it will help me to improve it.
Pretty good plot. However, from beginning to end your work is too wordy.
I am and this is my journal. It's obvious that it is a journal by the format you used.
btw: Real journals are short and punchy. Just the facts, not "I was so happy today." == That type of thing would be in a little girl's diary - not a professional's journal.
I am at a complete loss for words today = Then why write it? and why did you write something immediately afterwards?
Look, I think your story is great - better than average.
But you need to separate the journal part from your personal opinions. I suggest you have a "Commander's log" which is your journal, and then you go back to your quarters each day and make a private recording of your feelings for the day.
Well the pathos is there in your story - I think. But starting it with "A pause, a blip of inaction, my mind focuses on minutia. Black or Yellow? I have already painted my canvas, washed it actually, with an earthy red brown pigment. It's finally dry." was really distractive and lost me before I could get into your story. It was like you were trying to be a poet and impress someone to listen to your story - I got the feeling it was contrived, and had nothing to do with how you felt - maybe you felt that way - but it didn't come across to me that it was real someone's thoughts.
I suggest you move that idea to a later place in your story and delete the part about "a blip of inaction" .
I suggest you start the story with
"My anticipation leaps forward. My mind is grateful for not having to think about Vanessa. Now it’s only colors and round dots. I hold two paint tubes in my hand and opt for the black one. It’s dark and dreary like the way I’m trying not to feel. I squeeze some out on a small tray. I take my hawk feather––a barbecue stick would work perfectly, but a quill seems earthier––and plunge its stem into the glob of shiny black paint and press it on the canvas. "
I will give you an above average rating because I felt the pathos of you missing your wife.
Well, your opening was boring and full of things you thought were important to you but did not seem important to me - story wise. Instead of telling us not have sympathy for you, just don't mention it and let use the readers choose. Telling us your recall was great and would deminish later was outside the story line - again it was you you you.
That said, after the first few paragraphs, you started gaining my attention, - good show.
I suggest you start your story at "“Did you get a look at that gorgeous girl in the yellow dress?” I asked, looking over his shoulder toward the dance floor.
He turned to see who I was focused on.
“Oh, that’s Carolyn Jones,” he said after he spotted her. “We work together. She’s a nice girl, and she’s single. Want to meet her?”
Then in the least nujmber of words explain what is happening to you.
Then continue with your story.
The story has good potential - so don't ruin it with you saying what you are going to say -- just tell the story.
Excellent opening paragraph. However, I would have liked to know what the temperature was inside the house. I have gone swimming like you described and coming into an unairconditioned house in late July is a horrible experience- especially if one has been exercising earlier. Even if you only wear shorts and a T shirt like you described, then one's body starts dripping with sweat again.
I suggest you put in a short sentence telling the reader whether or not to house was air conditioned.
My point is not important in substance, but it distracts from the story if I start wondering what the temperature of the house was -- especially after you had described the weather outside.
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