*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/weirdone28
Review Requests: ON
203 Public Reviews Given
243 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 ... Next
1
1
Review of Oh, Goodness...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Well, that was definitely different. Manticores are not the most popular of magical beasts. We also don't usually expect to see manticores doing average things like watching television and eating vanilla pudding.

It's a very simple story in which not a lot really happens, and in way, I wanted to see more.

But I guess it works as far as it goes.

On a more technical note, I did see some punctuation problems. For example, this is a run-on sentence:

Simple was very particular about his stylist he saw Misty every time.

Try to be more careful.
2
2
for entry "Answered Prayers
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
All right. It's very difficult to write a complete story in that amount of space and it is also very difficult to review such a story, but you rose to the challenge and now I will.

This story definitely makes its point very clear. It's cute and maybe a little bit more profound at the same time. (Why don't we get everything we pray for?) We never find out who Joshua is speaking to, but I imagine it's a parent who now has some uncomfortable things to explain.

All in all, good.
3
3
Review of Bakery Skit v2  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Oh,*Sad* it was a nice story, but it was mean. I wanted Pixie to have fun getting caked and pied by the clown. In addition to making the story more likeable, it would have also made things not so one-sided. Tshis entire story moves in one direction and one direction only.
4
4
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Oh No!

After I read this, I googled what an NCLEX exam was and learned that it was for becoming a nurse. I hope you have more success.

Seriously, I probably wouldn't review something this short under normal circumstances, but I think it captures a terrible feeling that all of us have had at one time or another.
5
5
Review of Wonder to Behold  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a moving poem. I thought about entering that contest, but I chickened out. I'm trying to decide if I would know what the poem was about without having peaked at the bottom. Maybe, but it's hard to say. In any case, I think you have used free verse very well to create something that is readable.
6
6
Review of Beautiful Camilla  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is an excellent story. It truly captures the spirit of those Grimm/Hans Christian Anderson stories which I love. At first, you almost think it's going to be a story of how short haircuts became chic for women, but obviously there's more to it than that.

Some of the violence is actually illogical. For example, why didn't Camilla cut her own hair the same way she cut her sister's hair? It would have saved her some cuts on her hands. But never mind, fairy tales are often filled with logical problems like that.

There's also no explanation of poison water from the swamp, but I guess that's best left to the imagination.
7
7
Rated: E | (5.0)
Once upon a time there was abullfrog. Everyday,he would search the pond for a golden ball in the hopes that he would be able to return it to a beautiful princess, who would then fall in love with him. One day,he found a golden ball, but it didn't belong to a beautiful princess. It belonged to a fat ugly girl with acne. Because of that, she sat around playing ball all day by herself because nobody invited her to parties. Until finally, the bullfrog felt sorry for her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. Magically, the ugly girl was changed into a beautiful bullfrog, and the two lived happily ever after.
8
8
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a very nice poem. It uses alliteration and onamotpoeia to recreate the feel of a storm. The line and syllable count do not follow any pattern that I can see. I almost wondered if it was supposed to be a shape poem (The poem sort of resembles a cloud), but I don't see any pattern for that.

The note at the end from Scientific American is very interesting and it does give the poem a little more power, although I admit that I am a bit prejudiced against a poem that requires some explanation like that. Actually, the good news is that the poem is powerful without it.
9
9
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Carly,

It's a little bit hard to review this. I actually checked to see what the prompt was and I agree it would be difficult to write, but I think the person in charge of the contest wanted something a little more creative to happen.

Since I don't know any of these people--at least not personally--maybe I'm missing part of the joke.

Oh well.

Keep writing.
10
10
Review of Dear Me - 2017  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Great. To be honest, I'm a little unsur how to review this, but I did enjoy reading it.

I think you have set some excellent goals for yourself in 2017. I was moved to check out some of your links to things which I had not heard of. Traveling to Scotland should be awesome. I hope all goes well with you.
11
11
Review of Perfect  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a sweet little story even if the plot is spread kind of thin.

I thought the part at the beginning was kind of strange when you described Nella's perfume. At that point, it wasn't clear that we were on a fishing boat and when I did realize that, I was surprised that we were describing perfume in a scene with fish.

Parts of the story seemed mysterious to me. Exactly how did Nella help Eli become a police officer?

The story is short, but since it's kind of one-toned--I assume it was supposed to only have one point of view--it probably shouldn't be much longer.

On a more technical note, I feel I should say that I am not a fan of the way you set up the paragraphs here. The conventional way is to indent at the beginning of a paragraph. A more modern approach is to leave spaces between paragraphs, but with neither of those things a story can become kind of difficult to read.
12
12
Rated: E | (4.5)
A truly inspiring poem! I really felt the narrator's faith and the power behind it.

I thought your word choices were mostly excellent and the form which seems to have involved eight syllables in every line mostly rolled off the tongue.

I have never heard of the Rondeau rhyme scheme. One thing I´m not crazy about here is the line labeled R, "As I intone." It's a nice line, but it kind of breaks up the poem. Maybe whoever invented this form intended that, but I'm not sure I like it.

Still I like this poem a lot.
13
13
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a very touching poem. (I´m not sure why you call it ¨Silent Poetry¨, but that´s an intriguing title.

It´s interesting that although the poem is written in rhyming couplets, the lines are not actually set up that way.

As for as I can tell, you were not going for any set syllable count and that brings me to my one major criticism of the poem. There are times when it feels like syllables have been crammed into the lines and it does not flow as well as I would like.

Many years ago, I was told that a poet should avoid conjunctions, articles, and prepositions even if it means bending the rules of grammar a little bit.

Dedicating this poem, isn't as hard as it seems

How about:

Dedicating this poem, not as hard as it seems


It's hard to comprehend, or even try to understand. Why the Lord would take a life, that now has just began.

I would eliminate the word, ¨even¨ and possibly the word, ¨now¨.


Those are just a few examples of how I think this could be tightened and made more effective.

On a sadder note, I have to say that the last lines of the poem make me wonder a little bit. Is the narrator talking about her own death? That brings the poem from moving to kind of depressing.

Keep Writing!
14
14
Review of The Search  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is flash fiction which can be extremely difficult to review.

But it is an interesting en medias res scene with the main character eager to find Terrington, although exactly why is not explained. I guess the scene is exciting enough as it goes, but it leaves the reader wanting to know more about the situation.
15
15
for entry "You Bet Your Life
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is an intriguing little piece for what it´s worth. It obviously was required to be short so it couldn´t go very deep. Ebby is a person we never really know. Only at the end, do we realize that she is in the house for a bet. We also don´t know much about the ghosts which threaten her. Again, this is probably because of the piece´s length.

So, I guess you could say that it´s okay, but not really enough to be satisfying.
16
16
Review of Darkness  
Rated: E | (3.5)
An intriguing opening to a story. I have to admit I was motivated to read it more by your intro then by the story itself, but that´s okay. I enjoyed reading about C.A.L. By the way, I noticed that in the intro there are no periods after the letters in his name, but in the story there are. Is this an acronym? I find it strange that he actually calls his programmers ¨Mom¨ and ¨Dad¨. It makes me wonder what sort of people they are. Parts of this excerpt were a little ¨tech-heavy¨, but other then that, I enjoyed it.
17
17
Rated: E | (4.5)
My goodness! You sound a little bit addicted. Don´t get me wrong. I´m a huge Star Wars fan myself which is why I like this poem so much. And I like the second stanza about how it connects with your real life. Although, it makes me worry a little bit. Particularly, the part about ¨Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru not yelling at each other¨. Are those your parents? If so, your real life sounds kind of unhappy. Plus, the part about the princess, farm boy, and rogue being your friends implies that you don´t have very many real friends. I can relate to that.

The poem itself is mostly cheerful because it focuses on the Star Wars, but there´s an implication that the narrator´s real life is rather depressing.

18
18
Review of The Scarlett Rose  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Well, I can certainly sympathize with this guy. On the first page, his wife sounded like a royal pain in the neck. (I, personally, can´t stand people who ask for your opinion and then complain about your choice.) We don´t learn as much about why he´s attracted to Scarlett, but maybe that´s because the story is 18+ rated. No, seriously, have you noticed that we don´t get much description of Sarah. (One of the few things we do learn is that she smoked Marlboro cigarettes which makes her less appealing in my eyes, but that´s just me.)

Still you´ve captured the situation of a bad marriage with just the right amount of humor.
19
19
Review of Land Of The Dead  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Interesting poem with an intriguing premise. I remember seeing that contest and the prompt.

The rhyme scheme seems fairly straight forward with AABB.

The rhythm is a little bit harder to figure. It seems that most lines are seven syllables, but a few are eight or nine syllables. This causes the poem to read a little ¨clunky¨.

I also noticed that you made the second, third, sixth, and seventh stanzas shorter. I assume this was to give it a sort of refrain.

Good luck on the contest.


20
20
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a very nice scene. I enjoy reading about places in the fall. I don't know exactly how this is going to fit into the rest of what you are writing about, but I get the sense that Taryn is coming there from a much less happy place.


Their foliage turning vibrant shades of red and yellow, though some green still remained, stubborn in its desire to not forget summer.

This is a favorite sentence of mine because it personifies the green.

Taryn herself had joined this group, though she had no dog, she had her refill mug filled with Balzac coffee from the shop at the end of her block, a short walk away.

This sentence I'm not so sure about because it seems to imply that the coffee is a substitute for the dog.



21
21
Review of Eight Riddles  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Okay, smart guy. I admit these riddles range in difficulty from pitifully easy to very hard.

The first two made me kind of cocky. They were the moon, and a key.

But then three and four stumped me.

I was back in form with five. It´s music. Honestly, if I hadn´t already gotten it, the last line would have given it away.

Six was a little harder, but it´s gold.

Seven was a modern riddle. The answer is the Internet. (The line about the ¨million mice¨ was a good touch.)

But the last one, please. I didn´t even have to read the whole thing before I guessed it was a clock.

22
22
Rated: E | (4.0)
Cute. I do get the last line. Although I would point out that Sadie was not quite as devious as Tom Sawyer was when he got his friends to whitewash the fence. Tom Sawyer actually got his friends to pay him for the privilege, and Sadie only took advantage of her friends' desire to be helpful.
23
23
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Oh dear. I hope that this was meant to be ironic.

Seriously, I enjoyed reading this in a "staring at trainwrecks" kind of way. The narrator is such an idiot, it's hard to feel sorry for him. On the other hand, I also can't help relating to him. We've all seen our bank balances drop to disturbingly low levels.

24
24
Review of The Fun House  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a very interesting story, although I found parts of it to be unsatisfying. I like scary stories set in fun houses. (Actually, that's part of the reason I decided to review it in the first place.)

The narrator is an unusual character. I don't know if you meant it this way, but I thought he was kind of a jerk and something of a coward. The fact that he turns out to be manipulating Becky's feminist impulse into coming on this adventure is cool, though.

The story really took off for me after Becky and Johnny disappeared. I couldn't believe that they were gone for good. That said, I wanted the ending to say more about what had happened to them. This bit of unresolved supsense made the story disappointing.

As for what did happen, that brings me back to how the narrator is a jerk. I think he's the one who should have gotten the worst of this, and I think he should "go to hell" for being the one to propose this adventure. And if we want to get religious about it, telling or confessing to what he did should be his only chance for salvation.

Maybe that's part of the point.
25
25
Review of One Wish  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
That's a very powerful essay. I enjoyed reading it and I am happy to hear that both you and your sister were all right. I do think you might want to watch your verb tenses.

For example: Disappointment, disbelief and fear filled my mind as I lie on my side

I think it should be "lay on my side" or maybe "fear fills my mind".

59 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 3 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/weirdone28