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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/weirdone28
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201 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of The Mark  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is an intriguing story. I kept wondering what the mark actually meant. Was it put there by the government or by someone else? And what did the narrator do to deserve it? The funny thing is that everyone seems kind of unimpressed by it. The boy is just worried about what will happen at school and to undo it, he just has to do normal things like help his mother. It´s a strange idea, but I would like to know more about it.
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for entry "Answered Prayers
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
All right. It's very difficult to write a complete story in that amount of space and it is also very difficult to review such a story, but you rose to the challenge and now I will.

This story definitely makes its point very clear. It's cute and maybe a little bit more profound at the same time. (Why don't we get everything we pray for?) We never find out who Joshua is speaking to, but I imagine it's a parent who now has some uncomfortable things to explain.

All in all, good.
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Review of Bakery Skit v2  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Oh,*Sad* it was a nice story, but it was mean. I wanted Pixie to have fun getting caked and pied by the clown. In addition to making the story more likeable, it would have also made things not so one-sided. Tshis entire story moves in one direction and one direction only.
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for entry "My Mind Went Blank...
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Oh No!

After I read this, I googled what an NCLEX exam was and learned that it was for becoming a nurse. I hope you have more success.

Seriously, I probably wouldn't review something this short under normal circumstances, but I think it captures a terrible feeling that all of us have had at one time or another.
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Review of Wonder to Behold  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a moving poem. I thought about entering that contest, but I chickened out. I'm trying to decide if I would know what the poem was about without having peaked at the bottom. Maybe, but it's hard to say. In any case, I think you have used free verse very well to create something that is readable.
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Review of Breaking free  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A very powerful poem, although I am not usually a huge fan of free verse. But I think here your repeated use of "When she broke free" contributes well to the feel of the poem. You definitely have captured an important topic in a few words with concrete images.
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Review of Beautiful Camilla  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is an excellent story. It truly captures the spirit of those Grimm/Hans Christian Anderson stories which I love. At first, you almost think it's going to be a story of how short haircuts became chic for women, but obviously there's more to it than that.

Some of the violence is actually illogical. For example, why didn't Camilla cut her own hair the same way she cut her sister's hair? It would have saved her some cuts on her hands. But never mind, fairy tales are often filled with logical problems like that.

There's also no explanation of poison water from the swamp, but I guess that's best left to the imagination.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Once upon a time there was abullfrog. Everyday,he would search the pond for a golden ball in the hopes that he would be able to return it to a beautiful princess, who would then fall in love with him. One day,he found a golden ball, but it didn't belong to a beautiful princess. It belonged to a fat ugly girl with acne. Because of that, she sat around playing ball all day by herself because nobody invited her to parties. Until finally, the bullfrog felt sorry for her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. Magically, the ugly girl was changed into a beautiful bullfrog, and the two lived happily ever after.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a very nice poem. It uses alliteration and onamotpoeia to recreate the feel of a storm. The line and syllable count do not follow any pattern that I can see. I almost wondered if it was supposed to be a shape poem (The poem sort of resembles a cloud), but I don't see any pattern for that.

The note at the end from Scientific American is very interesting and it does give the poem a little more power, although I admit that I am a bit prejudiced against a poem that requires some explanation like that. Actually, the good news is that the poem is powerful without it.
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Carly,

It's a little bit hard to review this. I actually checked to see what the prompt was and I agree it would be difficult to write, but I think the person in charge of the contest wanted something a little more creative to happen.

Since I don't know any of these people--at least not personally--maybe I'm missing part of the joke.

Oh well.

Keep writing.
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Review of Dear Me - 2017  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Great. To be honest, I'm a little unsur how to review this, but I did enjoy reading it.

I think you have set some excellent goals for yourself in 2017. I was moved to check out some of your links to things which I had not heard of. Traveling to Scotland should be awesome. I hope all goes well with you.
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Review of Perfect  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a sweet little story even if the plot is spread kind of thin.

I thought the part at the beginning was kind of strange when you described Nella's perfume. At that point, it wasn't clear that we were on a fishing boat and when I did realize that, I was surprised that we were describing perfume in a scene with fish.

Parts of the story seemed mysterious to me. Exactly how did Nella help Eli become a police officer?

The story is short, but since it's kind of one-toned--I assume it was supposed to only have one point of view--it probably shouldn't be much longer.

On a more technical note, I feel I should say that I am not a fan of the way you set up the paragraphs here. The conventional way is to indent at the beginning of a paragraph. A more modern approach is to leave spaces between paragraphs, but with neither of those things a story can become kind of difficult to read.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
A truly inspiring poem! I really felt the narrator's faith and the power behind it.

I thought your word choices were mostly excellent and the form which seems to have involved eight syllables in every line mostly rolled off the tongue.

I have never heard of the Rondeau rhyme scheme. One thing I´m not crazy about here is the line labeled R, "As I intone." It's a nice line, but it kind of breaks up the poem. Maybe whoever invented this form intended that, but I'm not sure I like it.

Still I like this poem a lot.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a very touching poem. (I´m not sure why you call it ¨Silent Poetry¨, but that´s an intriguing title.

It´s interesting that although the poem is written in rhyming couplets, the lines are not actually set up that way.

As for as I can tell, you were not going for any set syllable count and that brings me to my one major criticism of the poem. There are times when it feels like syllables have been crammed into the lines and it does not flow as well as I would like.

Many years ago, I was told that a poet should avoid conjunctions, articles, and prepositions even if it means bending the rules of grammar a little bit.

Dedicating this poem, isn't as hard as it seems

How about:

Dedicating this poem, not as hard as it seems


It's hard to comprehend, or even try to understand. Why the Lord would take a life, that now has just began.

I would eliminate the word, ¨even¨ and possibly the word, ¨now¨.


Those are just a few examples of how I think this could be tightened and made more effective.

On a sadder note, I have to say that the last lines of the poem make me wonder a little bit. Is the narrator talking about her own death? That brings the poem from moving to kind of depressing.

Keep Writing!
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Review of The Search  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is flash fiction which can be extremely difficult to review.

But it is an interesting en medias res scene with the main character eager to find Terrington, although exactly why is not explained. I guess the scene is exciting enough as it goes, but it leaves the reader wanting to know more about the situation.
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Review of STIRRED  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Okay. This is Flash Fiction and I realize that Flash Fiction can be very difficult to make interesting. This story does not have a plot per se and it seems to depend on fictional characters we all met elsewhere to even make sense.

It also has characters that are not very well developed. Mr. Bond is a character that needs no explanation, but the narrator remains something of a mystery. I presume that she is one of Bond's many lady friends-Although now that I think about it, why does she call him, "Mr. Bond"? That seems a little formal for someone that you are about to get intimate with.

If nothing else, it is an interesting little scene which captures the mood nicely.
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Review of In To The Woods  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Cool Poem! First of all, I usually spell "into" as one word. I don't know if that is an intentional change on your part, but it gives the poem an odd quality almost like you want to suggest a slow pause as the title is being spoken.

Anyway, the poem has quite a bit of cool imagery. It definitely captures the feel of being in dark woods. The last two lines seem to suggest something terrible happening to the person being spoken to. We have no idea what that is, but it is definitely scary.
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This is a story with an intriguing concept (mixing a western with a supernatural story) By the way, I am thinking about entering the same contest, but I digress.

The two protagonists of this story are not particularly likeable. They did some pretty awful things which makes me care a little less about the plot.

The part where they actually meet the monster is obviously supposed to be funny, but the aftermath is handled so grimly I'm not sure that works. And the last line suggests a moral namely don't do things you wouldn't want done to you.

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Review of Fruitamorphosis  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Okay. This story is different. I'll give you that. You classify it as a horror story, but I hope you don't really expect people to be scared by it.

I liked the second paragraph where the narrator describes how good his life with his wife was initially. That thing about how someone else would have to travel back in time and kill Hitler makes me like your writing style if nothing else and made me want to keep reading.

I also liked the part where the narrator finds a paranormal investigator through his scam artist brother. I actually kind of wanted to know more about that.

Now, the ending where it turns out that the narrator is telling a crazy story to a nurse is a good twist. It makes this a little bit more believable. But I'm not sure about the thing where the narrator uses it to justify smoking. It's basically a version of the argument that we're all going to die sometime, which is not an original argument in favor of smoking, so viewed in that light the story seems a little less clever.

Overall, it's an enjoyable read.

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for entry "You Bet Your Life
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is an intriguing little piece for what it´s worth. It obviously was required to be short so it couldn´t go very deep. Ebby is a person we never really know. Only at the end, do we realize that she is in the house for a bet. We also don´t know much about the ghosts which threaten her. Again, this is probably because of the piece´s length.

So, I guess you could say that it´s okay, but not really enough to be satisfying.
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Review of Life on Mars  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello. Just reviewing some of my competition. First of all, I enjoyed that the introduction to this piece, "Apparently" does not always mean "truly." turned out to be of importance when one read the end of the story.

I also think it was interesting that this life form was female. Maybe that makes me a bit of a chauvinist, but I think I would have pictured a life form like this as asexual. Still, the name and the gender gave the life form a bit of personality in spite of its primitiveness.
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Great story for the length. I love stories about history being rewritten when someone travels through time. My only criticism would be that it left me wanting to know more about a few things. How different was the alternate world of 2016 from the one we know? Also, we don´t know much about Rutherford. What was his point in killing Edison? Wilbur says that he doesn´t care, but I do.

Oh well. It´s still a very cool story.
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Review of Darkness  
Rated: E | (3.5)
An intriguing opening to a story. I have to admit I was motivated to read it more by your intro then by the story itself, but that´s okay. I enjoyed reading about C.A.L. By the way, I noticed that in the intro there are no periods after the letters in his name, but in the story there are. Is this an acronym? I find it strange that he actually calls his programmers ¨Mom¨ and ¨Dad¨. It makes me wonder what sort of people they are. Parts of this excerpt were a little ¨tech-heavy¨, but other then that, I enjoyed it.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
My goodness! You sound a little bit addicted. Don´t get me wrong. I´m a huge Star Wars fan myself which is why I like this poem so much. And I like the second stanza about how it connects with your real life. Although, it makes me worry a little bit. Particularly, the part about ¨Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru not yelling at each other¨. Are those your parents? If so, your real life sounds kind of unhappy. Plus, the part about the princess, farm boy, and rogue being your friends implies that you don´t have very many real friends. I can relate to that.

The poem itself is mostly cheerful because it focuses on the Star Wars, but there´s an implication that the narrator´s real life is rather depressing.

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Review of The Scarlett Rose  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Well, I can certainly sympathize with this guy. On the first page, his wife sounded like a royal pain in the neck. (I, personally, can´t stand people who ask for your opinion and then complain about your choice.) We don´t learn as much about why he´s attracted to Scarlett, but maybe that´s because the story is 18+ rated. No, seriously, have you noticed that we don´t get much description of Sarah. (One of the few things we do learn is that she smoked Marlboro cigarettes which makes her less appealing in my eyes, but that´s just me.)

Still you´ve captured the situation of a bad marriage with just the right amount of humor.
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