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Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of She is Too Much  
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (4.5)


Hello scottdaniel ! I have just finished reading {item: } and would like to take a moment to review your work! Please remember I am not by any means a professional writer or reader and these are just my opinions on how you could better your writing!

*Thumbsup* Overall Review *Thumbsdown*
Hello! I found your poem on "Please Review. One of the wishes you expressed wanting this poem to accomplish was to hit home with the reader and to inspire love in others. I think this poem does a pretty decent job at it! There are some really great parts where I found myself enthralled in the romance of the words. Although, I do think that there are some stanzas inside this poem that could be cut out. I've pointed them out down below.


*Pencil* Mechanics *Pencil*
This is where I go over your punctuation, grammar and spelling.
No problems with the grammar, punctuation or spelling in this! Great job!


*Vine2* The Good *Vine1*
This is where I go over what I enjoyed about your writing.
The rhyming never felt forced to me. I was waiting for it to fall apart or feel like you were trying to string words together, but it never felt that way and I really appreciated your word choices, which was another thing you were looking for feedback on. The reading level of this poem is lower, but that works perfectly well. It doesn't need to be overly complex and I think it would actually take away from the poem if you tried being any more fancy with it. This is simply bare bones love splayed out in poetry form. I loved it!


*Fire* The Bad *Fire*
This is where I go over what could use improvement in your writing.
I understand the purpose of the fourth and fifth stanza. It's to show turmoil so that it can be brought home in the last stanza of where you are finally at ease. However when first reading through it, these two stanzas didn't quite sit right. They read awkwardly because the structure of the stanzas changed up and it was a sudden thing. The line, "I want it all" is different from the rest of them where you use the formula of ____ and _____.

You might want to think about taking another look at those two stanzas to either make them so far detached and distinct that the stanzas themselves cause an unease in the reader, which will make them coming back home in the last stanza all the more amazing. Or, maybe you don't even need those two? What would the poem read like if those two weren't in there, I wonder. See if you'd like it better!


*Snow2* The Beautiful! *Snow2*
This is where I go over my favorite part of your writing! (Because who likes the ugly?)
My absolute favorite part of the poem was the last stanza. It really brings the rest of the poem home in a way I think you were truly going for. Finding that comfort after turmoil at whatever else is going on. Whether it be the turmoil of your day, turmoil of your emotions, this last stanza brings it home with just one simple line, "I am at ease." When coupled with what brought you to that ease, the romance the narrator has with the significant other, it's like finding home in the arms of the subject of this poem. Excellent work with wrapping it all together.

*Starstruck* Overall Star Rating *Starstruck*
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*
Write On!





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of Dreams  
Review by Wenston
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*SuitHeart* Thank you for entering the ""Not Another Love Poem!" Contest! *SuitHeart*


*Earth* Impressions *Earth*


Structure and Presentation - I had to look up what a villanelle poem was and I have to say, you chose some pretty hard words to rhyme! But I think you did it very well. I think you did really well with the form. The difficulty of your rhyme scheme would have seemed like an impossible task, but the tone and voice of this poem really added to it. There's just something young and old school American Dream to this poem that I really liked. It really made me think of a young kid wanting to grow up to be a famous baseball player!

Topic and Theme - The title says it all. It's all about dreams! Dreaming about becoming a famous baseball player and seeing that dream morph into wanting to be a poet. This was just a really nice poem to read. I'm so glad you entered it in the contest.

Mechanics - I saw no errors. You did very well.

Contest Relevancy - Spot on with the contest! This month's theme was sports and I can't think of anything that embodies sports more than dreaming of becoming a famous baseball player!


Star Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
Write On!


*GiftG* Contest Relations *GiftG*


Contest results will soon be posted in ""Not Another Love Poem!" Contest. Thank you for entering and we look forward to seeing you in future rounds!


Sig for "Not Aother Love Poem!" Contest reviews.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
3
3
Review of Johnny Cash  
Review by Wenston
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
*UmbrellaB*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group*UmbrellaB*


Hello Princess Megan Rose ! I have just finished reading "Johnny Cash and would like to take a moment to review your work! Please remember I am not by any means a professional writer or reader and these are just my opinions on how you could better your writing!

*Thumbsup* Overall Review *Thumbsdown*


*Pencil* Mechanics *Pencil*
This is where I go over your punctuation, grammar and spelling.

I saw no spelling, grammar or punctuation errors.


*Vine2* The Good *Vine1*
This is where I go over what I enjoyed about your writing.

Firstly, I LOVE Johnny Cash, so I'm surprised I didn't spot this poem of yours right away. I thought this was a lovely poem dedicated to an awesome musician and person.

I loved this line:

*Bullet* He was the man in black, he was a
legend.


The man in black was what Johnny Cash was famous for, and he even refers to himself as a man dressed in black in some of his songs, so your knowledge of Johnny Cash and his life really shines through in this poem.


*Fire* The Bad *Fire*
This is where I go over what could use improvement in your writing.

One thing that you should really look at when you write poems, is breaking out of the ordinary for sentence structure. The worse thing I think you can do in a poem is say, "he was." I don't want to be told something, I want to see it, hear it, feel it and it's something I'm noticing with some of your poetry. Not so much with this poem, so it's no affecting my rating of it, but I wanted to point it out to you.


*Snow2* The Beautiful! *Snow2*
This is where I go over my favorite part of your writing! (Because who likes the ugly?)

JOHNNY CASH! How can I not love a poem about the man? I have my Pandora open and I have a Johnny Cash station, which plays some of his greatest songs all the time. I thought this poem was a good potrayal of his life and his fame. I think it would be great if you talked about his Christianity, because that was another thing he was known for, but I think this poem is great as is. Well done!


*Starstruck* Overall Star Rating *Starstruck*
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
Write On!
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.


Showering Acts of Joy Sig
4
4
Review of Fieldhart Academy  
Review by Wenston
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
You could ask .Wolfie. if she would be interested in writing for Harper. She's really talented and I love writing with her.

Wen
5
5
Review by Wenston
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*SuitHeart* Thank you for entering the ""Not Another Love Poem!" Contest! *SuitHeart*


*Earth* Impressions *Earth*


Structure and Presentation - Free-verse is some of my favorite poetry. I'm always a fan of it, especially when people take artistic risks. I liked this one especially:

Ensnare,
Catch,
Release!
Ensnare,
Catch,
Release!


The repetitive lines not only gives this poem the monotonistic (if it's not a word, I just made it one...) feel of the repetitive motion of fishing, but also the repetitive motion of an intimate relationship. (keeping it E-rated, lol)

Topic and Theme - The topic of your poem is great. Your I have to say that I laughed a little when I realized you were comparing fishing to having an intimate relationship. But it wasn't in a bad way. You've actually compared the two quite cleverly. My favorite lines:

Would the merits of your ecstacy,
atone for my lack of mercy?


Mechanics - I saw no spelling, grammar or punctuation errors in this poem. Great job!

Contest Relevancy - I would say this is relevant solely for the fact that fishing is something people think about when they think about spending time in nature. Although, I guess intimate relationships could be considered something "nature-esque." Either way, great job with this month's theme!


Star Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
Write On!


*GiftG* Contest Relations *GiftG*


Contest results will soon be posted in ""Not Another Love Poem!" Contest. Thank you for entering and we look forward to seeing you in future rounds!


Sig for "Not Aother Love Poem!" Contest reviews.
6
6
Review of The Cobbler  
Review by Wenston
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Vine2* Answering your request for a review on behalf of "Request Page Reviews! *Vine1*


Hello Liam ! I have just finished reading "The Cobbler and would like to take a moment to review your work! Please remember I am not by any means a professional writer or reader and these are just my opinions on how you could better your writing!

*Thumbsup* Overall Review *Thumbsdown*

Overall I thought this poem was great! I love the structure of it and the inspiration you found in a poem by Robert Frost. I think you've done a great job with it. I do have some suggestions that I'll point out below, but overall I think you have a great poem here!


*Pencil* Mechanics *Pencil*
This is where I go over your punctuation, grammar and spelling.

I found no spelling, punctuation or grammar errors in this poem. Great job!


*Vine2* The Good *Vine1*
This is where I go over what I enjoyed about your writing.

Structure - I love, love, love the structure of this poem. I had to go back and read it a couple of times, not really to get the structure, but to read it correctly so the rhyme scheme sounded natural. I always have to do that when a structure is unique or really complex like this one. But I loved it. I didn't think the rhyming felt forced except for in one spot, which I'll point out below. But other than that, I loved it.

Imagery - With a highly structure poem like this, its sometimes hard to fit in some imagery because you're so busy trying to get the words to sound natural together. But I think you did an excellent job. My favorite line of imagery was this:

*Bullet* His tiny hammer strikes a chime,

There were a couple of reasons I thought this line worked. Not only because of the word "tiny," (which admittedly made me giggle) but also because of the word "chime." You use different senses with your imagery. I can hear that tiny hammer hitting its chime! I can hear the small clink as he's striking away on his shoes.

Also I really enjoyed this line:

*Bullet* That sings the tale how wars are lost

This line sort of put me in the era that this poem is taking place. It puts the reader back into a time where horses were used for battle. Personally, I think of the civil war era. Now, you leave enough of it open for interpretation to the reader, but I just really enjoyed thinking of a civil war era cobbler pounding away on a horse shoe. It was a really good image, whether that's what you were going for or not.

Repetition - So many times when I'm reviewing, I point out needless repetition. I'm so glad to see a poem that uses repetition the way its supposed to. Your last two lines are great. Now, I'm not familiar with Robert Frost's poem that inspired this one, but I'm assuming that's where you got the idea from. Either way, whether it was your idea or not, I think it works great. It gives the reader the feel of all this work that needs to be done by the cobbler. "So many pairs of unshod feet," just really gets us inside the cobbler's head to where he sees all this work he has to do. It really works here.


*Fire* The Bad *Fire*
This is where I go over what could use improvement in your writing.

Forced Rhyme - Here's the one part I was talking about where I thought that the rhyming felt forced. And I think it's simply because of the structure and wording of the sentence it's in. It's in the second stanza there, this line:

*Bullet* Committed to the need to meet - I think the dual use of the word "to" is what makes it sound funny to me. Maybe look at changing it to something like, "Burdened by the neverending needs to meet" or something along those lines. the line just sounded funny to me the way it was written and I really would like for you to look it over and tighten this poem up, because I think you have something great here. But that's really the only place where I think this poem needs work. The rest of it works for me.


*Snow2* The Beautiful! *Snow2*
This is where I go over my favorite part of your writing! (Because who likes the ugly?)

Overall, my favorite thing about this poem, is the setting. I like so much about this poem, I think it's amazing. But I like thinking of a cobbler sitting there with a ton of work to do. I like the way you use repetition to create a sense of overloaded work on the cobbler's shoulders. And I liked the rhyme scheme you used to help the flow of the story and tell the tale. You've done a great, great job! Just take a look at that one line and I think you could tighten this poem up a bit and make it wonderful!


*Starstruck* Overall Star Rating *Starstruck*
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*
Write On!
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.



A signature to be used by the Request Page Review.
7
7
Review of "Cowboy Dream"  
Review by Wenston
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


Hello writerchuck ! I have just finished reading ""Cowboy Dream" and would like to take a moment to review your work! Please remember I am not by any means a professional writer or reader and these are just my opinions on how you could better your writing!

*Thumbsup* Overall Review *Thumbsdown*

Overall, I thought this was a pretty decent poem. I really liked the imagery you portray in it and that Western feel it gives off. I have a few suggestions that I'll point out below, but overall, I think you've got a great poem here.


*Pencil* Mechanics *Pencil*
This is where I go over your punctuation, grammar and spelling.

I saw no grammar, spelling or punctuation mistakes in this. Great job! I enjoyed how you capitalized the word "Moon" in the first line of your poem. It personifies the moon there, making it almost another character in the poem. I love it when poets do this. You've used this technique well.


*Vine2* The Good *Vine1*
This is where I go over what I enjoyed about your writing.

Imagery - I really enjoyed the imagery of this piece. You use sound and sight. I think you could have inserted some imagery in the sense of smell, maybe with the fire, but I like what you've done with the imagery you have. The coyote's cry was one of my favorites because I can hear that sound at night and it adds to the nostalgia of this poem. This line is a good example of it:

*Bullet* diamonds on dark blue velvet. - that's a great way to explain the sky, especially in a Western poem like this, because it's a way that a cowboy, from the Old West or even from today, would explain it. So it leaves room for interpretation for the reader. Great job!

Stanzas - I didn't see a form or format to your stanzas, but I really enjoyed the way you've broken them up. You could have gone the easy way and made them all five lines, but I like that you inserted the line break between the second and third stanza. It's a good place to put once, especially given that's where the sentence ends.


*Fire* The Bad *Fire*
This is where I go over what could use improvement in your writing.

Needless repetition - I'd like you to take a look at the first and third line in your first stanza. These two:

*Bullet* I sit in silence as the Moon rises.

and

*Bullet* breaks the silence.

The repetition of the word "silence" threw me off big time while I was reading this. You should think of another word to replace one of these "silence"'s so that it's not repeated so soon after the first time you use it. Maybe the first "silence" could be replaced with "thought." That way it's just this guy sitting there, thinking as the Moon rises. Just a suggestion.

Understanding - There was one part of this poem that I had a hard time understanding. In the first stanza, you talk about a saddle, so I'm assuming it's a cowboy sitting by his horse at night, enjoying the cowboy life. Then I get to these two lines:

My only company is my ride.
Old paint never talks back.


I got a little confused here, maybe it's just me. But with these two lines, I was picture a truck, instead of a horse. So my understanding of the scene changed drastically from the first stanza. I really like the "Old paint never talks back" line, but it really made me picture a vehicle instead of a horse.


*Snow2* The Beautiful! *Snow2*
This is where I go over my favorite part of your writing! (Because who likes the ugly?)

My favorite thing about the poem is the imagery. I thought you did a great job painting this picture. Aside from the misunderstanding about whether this is an old time cowboy or a modern day cowboy, you did a great job. I would look at inserting something to do with the sense of smell, like I pointed out above. Maybe how the fire smells, or the open air, or even the leather of the saddle. Just something so you get some more senses in there. But I think you've done a great job.


*Starstruck* Overall Star Rating *Starstruck*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*
Write On!
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.



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8
8
Review by Wenston
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Great idea for a contest. *Smile* I was looking all over for a contest that didn't require you to write something new. But could let you enter one of your "golden oldies." Good luck with running the contest! *Smile*

Wen
9
9
Review of Magdalen in Lent  
Review by Wenston
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


Hello Raven ! I have just finished reading "Magdalen in Lent and would like to take a moment to review your work! Please remember I am not by any means a professional writer or reader and these are just my opinions on how you could better your writing!

*Thumbsup* Overall Review *Thumbsdown*

Overall, I really enjoyed this piece. I think being a PK (pastor's kid, haha) helped me to understand this poem a bit more because I grew up going to church and learning about the important events in the bible. I like how you don't just come out and say where they coincide, you leave it to the reader's own knowledge of these events to make this poem what it is.


*Pencil* Mechanics *Pencil*
This is where I go over your punctuation, grammar and spelling.

I saw no grammar, spelling or punctuation issues. The only thing that I would point out would be this line:

*Bullet* Imprinting crisp fruit with toothed mark - It just reads odd to me. Maybe because I'm so used to the phrase, "teeth marks" instead of "toothed mark." But other than this line, the rest of it flowed beautifully.

Also, I love that you capitalized the word "Heart" in the third stanza. That technique is one of my favorites when it personifies something that normally wouldn't be capitalized like that. Great choice to do so!


*Vine2* The Good *Vine1*
This is where I go over what I enjoyed about your writing.

Biblical ties - I really enjoyed the biblical ties, like I said above. And you don't even come out and say this is what you're talking about. You just go with it and leave it to the reader to know the stories already (which most people who read this will know at least a couple of them.) For instance:

*Bullet* And so ashes, and death for forty days. - it took me a couple times to figure this line out, because I was thinking where the heck the ash and the forty days came into play. But then I realized they were two separate events form the bible, especially in the next stanza when you talk about stilling waves and storms.

*Bullet* That great Heart that shook the world by stopping - I really liked this line because it's reserved while at the same time being colorful and emotional. I say it's reserved becaues you don't just come out and say it's talking about the crucifixion. You leave it to the reader to make that tie.

Imagery - This poem has really good imagery in it. By playing off some of the better known stories in the bible, you're able to create pictures in your reader's minds without having to put a lot of effort into it. But even for people who don't know the stories, I believe this poem has a good amount of imagery on its own. I don't think people would get this poem if they weren't familiar with Mary Magdalen and how she tied in to all of this, but I do believe they would at least find the poem well written and colorful.


*Fire* The Bad *Fire*
This is where I go over what could use improvement in your writing.

There's not a whole lot about this poem that I would change. I would take a look at the line that I pointed out in the Mechanics section of this review. The "toothed mark" just reads funny to me for some reason. It's not that it's wrong or even bad, it just seems difficult to me. But honestly, that's really the only thing I could even suggest you change.


*Snow2* The Beautiful! *Snow2*
This is where I go over my favorite part of your writing! (Because who likes the ugly?)

Like I've said before, my favorite thing about this poem is how many subtle ties to the bible you put in here. I'm glad that I know most of the stories that you refer to, because I really got the full meaning and backstory to this poem. Without it, I don't think I would have gotten it. I think you've done a beautiful job with this poem and it has great meaning and emotion. Great job!


*Starstruck* Overall Star Rating *Starstruck*
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
Write On!
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.



Anniversary Reviews email siggie
10
10
Review of My Poetry Nook  
Review by Wenston
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*UmbrellaB*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group*UmbrellaB*


Hello ShelleyA~10 years at WDC ! I have just finished reading "My Poetry Nook and would like to take a moment to review your work! Please remember I am not by any means a professional writer or reader and these are just my opinions on how you could better your writing!

*Thumbsup* Overall Review *Thumbsdown*

Shelley, I've got to tell you. I don't normally review folders, because I like to go over people's writing and how to make it better. But I just had to make an acception for this folder. I came to your portfolio by way of the SAJ group, so I wasn't sure what I would find to review. I clicked on this folder, seeing the (37 items) next to it and expected to be able to pick from 37 poems, which is still a lot. Oh man was I wrong! Your poetry collection is extensive and amazing! So I just had to comment on the folder that kept them all together!


*Pencil* Mechanics *Pencil*
This is where I go over your punctuation, grammar and spelling.

I saw no flaws with your punctuation, grammar or spelling in the body of your folder. Good job with this!


*Vine2* The Good *Vine1*
This is where I go over what I enjoyed about your writing.

Here's what I love about this folder and what made me review this rather than one of your poems. You have your folders within this main folder separated into what type of poetry form you have stored inside. I love this idea. You have an extensive collection. By titling the individual folders after the poetry forms, not only did you pique my interest and let me know what to expect once I went inside, but you made me wonder what the heck a Tetractys was or what a Rispetto meant. This is great! This opens up for so much learning about different poetry forms, I just love it.

I also really loved the header you have at the top. Kiya is so good with images, I often go to her shop as well. It fits this perfectly because there really are so many options to choose from it's like looking into a library of poetry.


*Fire* The Bad *Fire*
This is where I go over what could use improvement in your writing.

These aren't really bad things, but they're things I'd like you to consider.

Uniformity - I think it would be great if the descriptions of your folders all fit the same uniform style. For instance, you have "Poetry Form: Triolet." I think they should all be like this. It would just make it seem more like these are all part of a collection. The description of your main poetry is great, and then when people come into this folder, it'd be great for them to know it's a form they're picking.

Body - I think you should add more to the body of your folder. You description already tells us this is a folder for different forms of poetry. You could add something more below where you link your merit badges. Perhaps you could even highlight a "poem of the week" where you post one of your poems there as a suggestion to people who come to this folder. Otherwise they'll be like me, too many folders to click, I don't know which one to choose first!


*Snow2* The Beautiful! *Snow2*
This is where I go over my favorite part of your writing! (Because who likes the ugly?)

My favorite thing about this folder is the variety. There are 37 items to choose from and most of them are folders! You highlight different forms and it's great for someone who wants to learn about the different poetry styles out there. You deserve the ribbon you received for this folder because I think it's a great idea. Extremely well done!


*Starstruck* Overall Star Rating *Starstruck*
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
Write On!
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.


Showering Acts of Joy Sig
11
11
Review of Justice  
Review by Wenston
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*UmbrellaB*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group*UmbrellaB*


Hello kiyasama! I have just finished reading "Justice and would like to take a moment to review your work! Please remember I am not by any means a professional writer or reader and these are just my opinions on how you could better your writing!

*Thumbsup* Overall Review *Thumbsdown*
Overall, I enjoyed this poem. I hadn't been formerly aware of the Fibonacci poetry style, but it's simple enough to understand and you fit to the pattern easily. I like that you wrote this for a prompt on Justice, because it's a unique take on just the one word. You've done well with it!


*Pencil* Mechanics *Pencil*
This is where I go over your punctuation, grammar and spelling.

I saw no spelling, grammar or punctuation errors. I love poetry that uses it's natural flow or structure instead of punctuation to dictate the rhythm and flow of the words. So your lack of punctuation (aside from the first line) really scored great points with me! *Smile*


*Vine2* The Good *Vine1*
This is where I go over what I enjoyed about your writing.

Links - When you use a unique style like the Fibonacci, I'm always glad to see links where I can look up what the form is. I think a lot of people would come into this poem and if there weren't a link there, they'd tell you to break up the last line. It definitely sticks out there, but it fits the form.

Topic - The topic of the poem, though somewhat dark, was interesting and a good choice for the prompt you were given. Racism is something I just go through learning in depth in my Diversity in the Workplace class last semester. I watched a lot of videos from the Civil Rights Movement. I got to see through the videos the stories from both sides. Interviews with African Americans who went through it and interviews with Euro-Americans, from back in the time, and their thought process and how they convinced themselves it was right. Their logic was understandable, that's the scary part. They were so sound in it - but logic, in this case, would have to be overruled by compassion and, I hate this term, but common sense.


*Fire* The Bad *Fire*
This is where I go over what could use improvement in your writing.

Word Choice/Emotion - There were two lines where I thought your word choice could open up for some more imagery or interpretation. The first was this:

*Bullet* accusatory eyes upon - instead of using the word "accusatory," I think you could use a word that paints more of a picture. Like maybe an allegorical word that refers to someone famous who accused someone else of something. Maybe even take names from the Civil Rights movement itself. I know there was the famous case of Emmett Till. If you've never heard of him, here's an article about it:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emmett_Till

It would be great if you could incorporate someone from that time, maybe with an author's note at the bottom, into that one word. Maybe "Bryant eyes" or something like that, since the Bryants were involved with the following incidents. But these are just suggestions to liven up the word "accusatory" into something more provacative.

*Bullet* the Negro cursed with the - I was torn on whether or not you should just come out and say the word "Negro." I think I'd like it better if you made the reader work to understand this poem. Or, use something scandalous or derogatory. I might suggest "Boy." And it's not disrespect or anything, but it would provoke emotions and anger towards the way those times were back then. it would put powerful emotion into this poem.


*Snow2* The Beautiful! *Snow2*
This is where I go over my favorite part of your writing! (Because who likes the ugly?)

My favorite thing about this poem is the last line. Or maybe the juxtaposition between the first word and the last word of the entire poem. Either way, I love this:

*Bullet* innocence denied by society where truth remains hidden in its system of injustice

It's great. And it turns your poem into a poem about injustice rather than justice, giving it even the slightest of little twists there at the end. Well done!


*Starstruck* Overall Star Rating *Starstruck*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*
Write On!
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.


Showering Acts of Joy Sig
12
12
Review of King Tare  
Review by Wenston
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


Hello nomlet ! I have just finished reading "King Tare and would like to take a moment to review your work! Please remember I am not by any means a professional writer or reader and these are just my opinions on how you could better your writing!

*Thumbsup* Overall Review *Thumbsdown*

Overall, I think this story shows off great intelligence and writing skill. The mechanics of the story are all there and in place. I know this story was written with a rather low word limit, so I think you did a really good job meeting that challenge. However, I think the audience for this story is small and the plot and meaning of it will be lost on a lot of people.


*Pencil* Mechanics *Pencil*
This is where I go over your punctuation, grammar and spelling.

I saw no punctuation, grammar or spelling mistakes within your story. It's clear that you've gone through it with a fine tooth comb to pick out any flaws in this area. Well done with that.


*Vine2* The Good *Vine1*
This is where I go over what I enjoyed about your writing.

Voice - Any story told through first person point of view requires there to be a strong voice. I think this story has that. The voice is extremely strong. The langauge used in this story is what makes it that way - an extremely intelligent, scientific verbiage that sounds exactly the way a highly skilled geneticist would tell a story like this. So it fits.

Description - You do have some good moments of descriptive sentences in here. Here's one of my favorite:

*Bullet* Bodies had been coated with a sap which hardened to form a crystalline shell. - It's easy to picture this. It could have been elaborated into what the bodies looked like now - where they morbid? Frozen? Eternally positioned? So on and so forth. However, with the way this is written and the language that's being used, the bare bones description and straightfoward, lack of metaphors way to describe things really fits with the tone and feel of this piece.

Story/Plot Mechancis - I get an almost sarcastic tone from the main character towards the end. The tone really took a turn there in the end. It left room for a twist that fit the mechanics of a short, tiny story like this. So the story is all there, and it's interesting.


*Fire* The Bad *Fire*
This is where I go over what could use improvement in your writing.

Language - I think the biggest thing you'd want to look at with this story is the language. And I'm not talking about English vs. Spanish or cuss words or anything - I'm talking about the intelligence level of this piece. The advanced scientific language of this piece is really going to narrow down the audience to only a few people who are actually going to understand what's going on. I have to admit, I had trouble with this piece. I know nothing about genetics or geology or chemistry. I don't know really what happened in the end other than they found a species wiped out by a "meta-virus" which I can't honestly tell you what it is or what the significance is. Now, if I studied science and was familiar with the terms you used, I'd understand this piece and I know I'd get a kick out of it. But unfortunately, I'm not ashamed to say, it went way over my head.

An example of this would be this line:

*Bullet* Iridium complexes with an appropriate structure can efficiently catalyze the assembly of simple organic organisms—viruses, microbes—from scratch.

I know this is supposed to be a line that explains things, but it took me several times to read it to figure out what exactly it was saying. You're going to find people reading this and not understanding what's going on. It's intelligent to the point that you've really, really narrowed down who is going to be able to appreciate the story behind it. It's up to you to decide if it's a good or bad thing. *Smile*


*Snow2* The Beautiful! *Snow2*
This is where I go over my favorite part of your writing! (Because who likes the ugly?)

I think my favorite thing about this story is the opening line.

*Bullet* I stepped through the portal and suddenly I was surrounded by an arc of stone effigies, ending with King Tare, the last of his line.

I usually judge whether or not I'm going to read something by reading the opening line. If it doesn't grab my attention or draw me in, I'll make that decision to move on to something that seems more exciting, before even getting to the body of the story. With your story, I was sucked in immediately. You set the scene in an interesting and blunt way - but it works! It draws your reader in because not only do you paint a unique and interesting picture, but you introduce something who is "the last of his line" and anyone would find something like that intriguing. So well done grabbing the attention of your reader right off the bat!


*Starstruck* Overall Star Rating *Starstruck*
*Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*
Write On!
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.



Anniversary Reviews email siggie
13
13
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am a huge fan of Steampunk. I'd love to join this group!
14
14
Review of Dream of Death  
Review by Wenston
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi there! I'm reviewing this on behalf of "Please Review.


*Snow1* Mechanics *Snow1*

I found no grammar, spelling or punctuation errors. Great job!

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*



*Snow2* Structure and Presentation *Snow2*

There are a few shaky spots that I would take a look at.

*Bullet* I saw my friends I saw my family - the tricky thing about taking on a style that has absolutely no punctuation is knowing what to do when you write a line that requires it. This line needs a comma. The reader doesn't naturally pause after the word "friends" and I actually tripped over this line, having to go back to read it again to get the rhythm right for the rest of the poem. Maybe either break this into two lines or think about inserting some punctuation. A "-" or a ":" might work. Just something needs to be done there.

*Bullet* Looking down I realized - this line feels out of place to me. The rest of the poem is written with the "was ______" style and this is the ony "-ing" word in the poem. You should keep it consistent, even if they are the same tense and mean the same. It actually takes away from the style of the poem if you suddenly switch it up her. Try using, "I looked down and realized" or something along those lines.

*Bullet* A skeleton it was and it beckoned me to come - again, without punctuation, this line comes across too harsh. Maybe reordering the words, like "It was a skeleton and it beckoned to me" or add some staggering punctuation like commas in here. It really needs it.

There's not really a rhyme scheme here, but there are two sets of lines that do rhyme. I'm not sure if you did this on purpose or just threw those in there, but again, it kind of messed with the flow because once you rhyme a line, the reader is going to expect the next lines to rhyme as well or go back and see if the rest of the lines were supposed to.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Halfstar*



*Snow3* Tone and Voice *Snow3*

The tone was reminiscent and dreamy. It seemed a little too simple to me, for something as awful and dreadful as what's going on in this poem. There should be more adjectives and descriptive words - it would really bring out the true tone and overall feel of the story being told.

There's no real emotions in this. It feels detached and cold, instead of someone who would be living through this nightmare. Maybe add a few lines of what they were feeling? Dread? Horror? Disgust? Remorse? It lacks an emotion. I even feel like reading it, it's cold and emotionless.


Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star*



*Snow1* Imagery and Creativity *Snow1*

The imagery is there, but it's simple imagery. Almost overused when looking at a situation like this. Here are a few lines I think could be spiced up:

*Bullet* I was walking along an empty street - the word "empty" could be replaced with a more descriptive word. Dreary? Desolate? Something with a little more pizzazz and something that invokes a little more emotion in the reader than just "empty." Empty is a word that only invokes emotion when talking about emotions. If it's used in reference to an object, then it's just a state of being. The box is empty. The glass is empty. It's the same with the empty street. I don't feel emotions here.

*Bullet* I looked from side to side - the phrase "side to side" is dull. Liven it up. What exactly are looking at? Corpse to corpse? Fetid rot to hollow faces? Give me more imagery and description here.

*Bullet* The smell of rotten flesh burned my eyes - what did it smell like? Pretend I've never smelled rotten flesh before, what can you compare it to? Rancid meat? Give me something that I, as a reader, can relate to rotten flesh.

*Bullet* And at me a face loomed - describe this face. The next line tells me it's a skeleton, but give me something more. Fleshless bone or lipless teeth. It could really be spiced up to display the narrator's horror at the awful things they're seeing.

There's a lot of places you could really bring out the imagery in. If you do this, I think it will set the tone a lot better from something cold and detached to the nightmarish reality that it really is.

Section Rating
*Star**Star*



*Snow2* Further Comments *Snow2*

Overall, I liked this poem. I feel like it could use a little work. Something to bring out the fear and dread associated with the sickness going on. It would help build a dreadful, awful tone instead of just a "I did this and saw this" type feeling. But I like where you're going with it and how you've used WritingML to make it look nice.

Overall Rating
*Star**Star**Star*
Write On!



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
15
15
Review of Tragedy and Hope  
Review by Wenston
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi there! I'm reviewing this on behalf of "Please Review.


*Snow1* Mechanics *Snow1*

I found no spelling, grammar or punctuation errors. The lack of punctuation is one of my favorite styles for poetry. It leaves it open to structure and style to control the flow. Great job!

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*



*Snow2* Structure and Presentation *Snow2*

I really liked the way you structured this. The repetition of certain phrases and cycle of structured lines is really well done. There are only a few suggestions I could make.

*Bullet* Which side are they really on - this is a great line, but it makes me wonder why you switched from the "when" to the "which." It was probably a move done to help better fit in the ending word of "on." But I would really consider giving some thought to sticking with your "when" openers for those lines. At least all the way up top.

*Bullet* And then - I really liked this as a transition line and also as a stand alone stanza. It really makes the reader pause and makes the transition obvious and natural. Great job.

*Bullet* These two lines:

The government-who acts quite unsightly

and

This part isn't reality-but still here is my dream

I feel these lines would work better if they weren't fragmented.


Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*



*Snow3* Tone and Voice *Snow3*

The tone of this felt like a smoky desperation to me, which is a good thing! Like a, "why is this happening" type tone. I like how it doesn't use too fancy of words, plain and simple. It gives it a common man's feel.

*Bullet* This part isn't reality-but still here is my dream - this line is the first time in the poem where "you" show up. I liked it better when the voice was annonymous. If you take out the "my," it may help the readers connect better with this poem in thinking that these thoughts and feelings could be their own, instead of that of the author or narrator.


Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*



*Snow1* Imagery and Creativity *Snow1*

There were some great imagery lines in here. My favorite being:

*Bullet* Of what good are moonbeams - this line caught me right from the start because when I think of moonbeams, I think of something beautiful and mystical. So when the worth of moonbeams is questioned in the very first line of a poem, I want to find out why! The first three lines were great and cohesive. And they really jump out as to meaning something more. Nature vs. Technology. It's really thought-provoking.

*Bullet* When rights are trampled on - you're solidifying the concept of rights by allowing them to be trampled on. The word trampled is a good choice for this line because it gives the reader the feel that rights are being abused more than once. Trampled, to me at least, means a whole lot of different entities stomping over the item being trampled. Good word choice there.


Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*



*Snow2* Further Comments *Snow2*

Overall, I really enjoyed this poem. I thought it was great, actually. I think you should really take a look at the opening structure of your lines and not just the end words. Keep your "when" starters as just that. The last stanza is a good stand alone one, so I think you can get away with it, but the first one, broken into groups of three, should be more similar. Just the last three lines need to be given a look at.

But overall, great job! Thanks for sharing!

Overall Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*
Write On!



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
16
16
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey there!

I just wanted to let you know that I've been working on writing a Steampunk novel and had plotted it all out. Then I decided to see what, if any, Steampunk stories and novels were here on Writing.Com. There are so few!

But I did managed to find this great article you've written. I've added it to my favorites as a sort of reference to use when I get stuck with a plot or element of my novel. I am so glad you've written this article. It will help people understand and learn to love this relatively unknown genre!

Wenston
17
17
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there! I'm reviewing this on behalf of "The Poetry Review. Thanks for posting!

*Snow1* Mechanics *Snow1*

First of all, let me say that I really liked this poem. There's so much going on here beneath the surface that it really bring the reader in. I had to read this several times and each time I did, I liked it more.

That being said, some food for thought:

*Exclaim* Why do I why, I may never know why...
*Bullet* This line didn't fit in with the one above it. Because these lines use repetition in the same fashion, I feel it should be structured the same as the line above it, without a comma and the ellipse at the end. Here's a suggestion:

Why do I why and then wonder why,

With something like this, the reader won't pause and the flow will match the line above it.


*Exclaim* and it's enough...
*Bullet* I wanted a strong ending. I like the message behind this ending, but I needed it to punch me in the face, not leave me waiting for one or two more words. It needs to be sound, strong, full. This trails off. Preferably the best rhythm for this last line would go something like this syllable count:

1 2 3 pause 4 5.

I think that would be the most effective syllable count, if you can find words that fit it.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star*



*Snow2* Structure and Presentation *Snow2*

I thought the structure was fine. You may want to play around with line breaks and spaces, but as far as where you started a new line, it worked, so it's not necessary. If you do decide to put some line breaks, you could try inserting them after the line that ends with "man," and after the line that ends with "sky." But like I said, it's not necessary, it's up to you.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*



*Snow3* Tone and Voice *Snow3*

I liked the tone. It was humble. You play with words a lot. My favorite line:

I don't write when I'm wrong,

The connection between "write" and "wrong" was great, I thought. It gives depth to the poem. Well done.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*



*Snow1* Imagery and Creativity *Snow1*

Though there is little imagery in this poem, there is enough creativity to make up for it. You punctuation choices, capitalization and word play all work for you. Your imagery words:

*Bullet* songs
*Bullet* Winter Solstice
*Bullet* bright light in the sky

They are subtle images and most people won't realize that these words are eliciting images inside their head. Some people may look pass these and want more, but I think it's just perfect the way it is.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*



*Snow2* Further Comments *Snow2*

I really liked this poem. It was different and unique. I would take a look at the two lines I pointed out in the Mechanics section above. They are your two weakest lines. If you get them to fit the rest of the poem, you could have a very awesome, well thought out poem here. But you'll see just how much I enjoyed it. *Wink*

Overall Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*
Write On!


** Image ID #1101749 Unavailable **
18
18
Review of Etching  
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | N/A (Unratable.)
Hey Jedi!

*Snow1* What I Like *Snow1*


Beautiful poem. It took me a couple read throughs to fully appreciate it. I kept having to slow down and really listen and see what was being said. But once I did that, I loved it. That's probably the biggest difficulty with this poem, readers not knowing how to read it. They'll come into it, going fast, just reading the words waiting for a kicker of some sort, but they're not going to get it. This poem isn't meant to have a kicker, it's just meant to paint a picture and create a mood. It does that very well considering its length.

I love the phrase "etched moon line." That one line in itself paints such a vivid picture. It also sets a base for the mood that this poem gets your reader in. All in one line we get the feeling of darkness with an ethereal focused lighting. It opens up your reader to the rest of the poem so you can pretty much say anything you want to get them in the mood that you intended to get them in.


*Snow2* What Could Use Work *Snow2*


I didn't find much. My only, and I mean ONLY, suggestion is to maybe look at the punctuation. It's hard to do some of this with the short length of the poem, but I think you should put in a comma after the word "smooth" in the last line. Or else change the word graceful so it's not such an obvious descriptory adjective. This would be a good place to use a word that would normally be a noun as an adjective.

For instance:
"smooth night silence" or "smooth battle-end silence."

Those aren't very good suggestions, but hopefully you get the picture. Just something that gives the poem one more dimension to work with.


*Snow3* Overall *Snow3*


Overall, loved this poem, Jedi. It's short, it's sweet, and it sets a specific mood that can be interpreted by the reader anyway they want. When I read this poem, I think of nighttime, sitting in the dark, listening to the nothing. It's somber. Great job.

Wenston
19
19
Review of The Ship  
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi there! I'm reviewing this on behalf of "The Poetry Review. Thanks for posting! Sorry it's taken so long to get this review to you! I wanted to make sure I gave it my full attention.

*Snow1* Mechanics *Snow1*

Everything looks good with this section. Even though you lack punctuation, I consider that an acceptable thing because you use conformity. You don't just throw random punctuation in whenever you want. There's a lack of it unless it's absolutely needed and that's a style. A style some people don't accept, but I do. So good job.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*



*Snow2* Structure and Presentation *Snow2*

This is probably where I had the most problems with your poem. Your rhyming was a bit odd for me. It was like a free verse poem with defined rhyming. It works sometimes and other times it just throws off your reader. In this poem's case, I think it throws people off. You have a lot of the lines rhyme and then you'll have one line that doesn't. It interupts the flow when you do that and it catches the reader off guard. A lot of times, they'll have to go back and make sure they didn't miss a word or something.

Make sure that you don't force a rhyme either. My motto for poetry is that "the rhyme shouldn't dictate the poem, the poem should dictate the rhyme." It just means that sometimes a poet will put a line in that doesn't go with the rest of the poem just to make it fit in a rhyme. Readers can really tell when a rhyme sounds forced. You have a couple lines in here that do. This is one that really threw me off:

*Bullet* "There are so very many others
That the waves rock and cover"


The word "cover" doesn't make sense to me here. I get what it means and everything, but "cover" is such a bland word for the torment that you're trying to portray.

Also, you have a lot of "needless" words in here. Words that are used just to add padding to a line to make the syllable count more uniform. For example:

*Bullet* "Things will be a lot better"

You don't need to put "a lot" in there. It would sound better and more mature if you take it out. There are a couple other lines like this, so be sure to watch out for it. It's okay for a line to be shorter than the one its rhyming with. Especially in a poem like this where the rhyming is so sporadic anyway.


Section Rating
*Star**Star*



*Snow3* Tone and Voice *Snow3*

I thought both the tone and the voice were a little shaky in this. The main reason for it is probably because the diction is so padded, like I pointed out above. You're throwing in a lot of words that aren't needed and because of that, it's giving this poem a voice that's jumpy and uneven and very robotic.

You have a good backbone for a solid tone, but it needs a little work. If you added a few more adjectives to this poem, you'd have a good tone. It starts out all dreary and foreboding, but in the end, it's hopeful. So pick out some adjectives that are the follow the respecitve tone of the lines.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star*



*Snow1* Imagery and Creativity *Snow1*

This poem is vrey creative. One big extended metaphor that works very nicely with the message you're trying to get across. Good choice with that.

Your imagery is very basic. It's almost too simple for a message like this. To help with the tone problems that I pointed out in the previous section, you need to add some stronger images. Don't just say that the ship is being tossed around at sea. Show us. Show us the fear, the waves, the storm. Show us and then play with our senses. Throw in some sounds, some smells, some tastes. You could do a lot with salt water and storm weather. You just need to put your reader on that ship. Make them feel what it's like to be lost out there. It will help your reader connect with the poem a lot more. Right now, it's like we're standing back looking at it but not really understanding what's going on.

Make sure you don't just say the same thing over and over. I feel like in this poem you keep finding different ways to say the same thing. Again, adding some strong imagery would help get rid of that problem.

Section Rating

*Star**Star**Star*


*Snow2* Further Comments *Snow2*

Overall I think you'd got a good start on this poem. You need to work on not letting the rhyme overpower the message and the images in this story. The reader shouldn't be focusing on the rhyme. They shouldn't be thinking, "this poet is trying to rhyme." They should be thinking about the image and the message you are trying to get across to them.

I would also find a differen short description for this poem. Don't just say, "Not sure how to describe it." If you really can't think of a description, put the first line of your poem there. Or a line that you really like and think sums up the poem. When you say stuff like that, it will sometimes turn your readers away. If you don't know how to describe it, then how should your readers?

Overall Rating
*Star**Star**Star*
Write On!

** Image ID #1101749 Unavailable **
20
20
Review of Red Dragon  
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there! I'm reviewing this on behalf of "The Poetry Review. Thanks for posting!

*Snow1* Mechanics *Snow1*

You did a great job with this section. Your vocabulary was just the right level for the type of poem.

My only question for this section is your use of punctuation. I read through this a few times, looking specifically at just punctuation, trying to figure out if you had a pattern. But I couldn't find one. In some places, you end sentences with a period, but in others, there's no punctuation ending a sentence, you just go straight into a new thought. I would try to keep it consistant. If you're going to punctuate, try to keep it consistant.

So my suggestion would be to not worry so much about the commas, but make sure there are periods where there should be periods. Or even semi-colons if you wanted to keep the ideas strung together by more than just stanzas.

But that's really my only suggestion for this section and it's not even that big of a problem.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star*



*Snow2* Structure and Presentation *Snow2*

I absolutely loved the structure of this poem. My first read through, before I saw your note at the bottom, I thought it was great but then when I realized you had rhymes that connected stanzas together, I thought it was awesome. It's a fun structure and it's perfect for the story you're trying to tell here.

I'm just going to point out three "trouble" lines. I don't have specific suggestions for them, but these lines are the ones that maybe I stumbled over when I read it outloud, or they disrupted the flow somehow, or even they just don't sound right. You only had three of them and that's great with a poem of this size. But here they are:

*Bullet*"The mist it took my sight." - I think I just found this one to be troublesome because of the wording. I didn't feel that you were forcing the rhyme in many lines of this poem, but this one is on the verge of being forced. Just because it's not worded normally. Maybe you could do something like, "The mist darkened my hunter's sight" or something along those lines. Just make it sound like you didn't try to squeeze a rhyme in there.

*Bullet*"I'd make him come to nought." - It's the same with this one. For some reason, I just stumbled over it every time I read through this and couldn't help but think that it was worded oddly. But for the life of me, I can't figure out what's wrong with it. It could just be that "nought" isn't a word I use much. And in that case, it would just be a problem with the vocabulary of your reader. Otherwise, I don't know.

*Bullet*"Queen Mother in the end." - The "in the end" part threw me off. You inserted some parts into this sentence and broke it up, so the "in the end" part just sort of threw me to where I had to go back and read the last stanza to figure out what was being said. My suggestion for this line would be to put something here like "Queen Mother's something something." What about Queen Mother should we fear? Her voice? Her backhand? It'll be hard to find something that will fit the rhyme, I don't even know if there IS something. But if you could do that, it would have a much stronger ending.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star*



*Snow3* Tone and Voice *Snow3*

You did a superb job on this section. I thought it was perfect. The adventurous, playful, child-like voice and tone just mixed and meshed so well together. I could really see this poem being published in a book somewhere, or maybe even turned into a short children's book. It was awesome.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*



*Snow1* Imagery and Creativity *Snow1*

The same with this section. I thought you did an amazing job. We could really see the battles, see the images. And when you revealed it was a rose, the transformation from that fantasy back into real life was just perfect. Especially the sort of defiance at the end where the kid goes back into fantasy mode. It was just great.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*



*Snow2* Further Comments *Snow2*

Overall, I think you did a wonderful job with this poem. I love coming across poems like this. The ones that tell stories and have depth that's more than just an emotion. I was serious when I said I could see this being a children's book. Find a good illustrator whose really creative and you could have a great masterpiece here. And I can tell that you're going to take all my gift points, lol, because I'm going to award this poem and also put you in my showcase authors list. You've just got such great talent.

Overall Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*
Write On!

** Image ID #1101749 Unavailable **
21
21
Review of Oceanic  
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there! I'm reviewing this on behalf of "The Poetry Review. Thanks for posting!

*Snow1* Mechanics *Snow1*

I didn't find any big problems. More like pet peeves of mine. Capitalizing the first word of every line is something I don't like in poetry, but I didn't mark you down for it because it's just my personal taste, nothing really concrete. Also, there were some lines that could have used commas, but I think if you added any commas, it would take away from the look of the poem. So the only way to get around that would be to reword the lines and I really don't want you to do that because I absolutely loved this poem.

So all in all, there's nothing to really change here, but I just thought I'd point out some things for you to think about. *Smile*

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*



*Snow2* Structure and Presentation *Snow2*

I love the juxtaposition between the first half and the second half. It's like two totally different train of thoughts. Great job with that. You've got excellent stanza length and odd but workable line length. I thought your presentation was great.

The only thing that could possibly be worked on would be your line:

"And up and over off into an empty part."

You're sort of continuing the directional words from the last line, but it threw me off for a while because this is one of those places where a comma would be nice to separate the ideas. I had to read it a couple of times to understand what this line was saying. And the word "part" seems kind of dull compared to the rest of your word choice. Maybe you could think of something that fits better with the rest of the feel of the poem?

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*



*Snow3* Tone and Voice *Snow3*

Loved the tone of this piece. It had a very relaxed, almost sensual feel to it. Like someone was getting a nice massage at the end of their day, you know? For a poem to give off that kind of feel, you know you did something right.

The voice was solid. It wasn't anything spectacular, but it doesn't need to be. Especially in an image based poem like this. Just so it's there and consistant, which you did beautifully.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*



*Snow1* Imagery and Creativity *Snow1*

Here's where you gained my absolute respect. I loved the imagery in this poem. It was pure, it was beautiful, it was calming and clear. Your word choice was perfect for the soft tone. Nothing too flashy, just sort of mellow, calm, cool colors.

My favorite line, and probably the one that won me over, was this:

"Of despondency making faces at the moon."

Absolutely loved that image. Great job.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*



*Snow2* Further Comments *Snow2*

So as you probably guessed, I really enjoyed this poem, lol. I think you did a great job getting such a calm image across. It's the kind of poem I like to read at the end of the day to unwind, you know? So, I'm going to award you and hope you consider what little suggestions I was able to give. But really, loved it. Great job.

Overall Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*
Write On!

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22
22
Review by Wenston
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi there! I'm reviewing this on behalf of "The Poetry Review. Thanks for posting!

*Snow1* Mechanics *Snow1*

The first thing that struck out at me, even as I was reading this poem through the first time, was that you capitalized the phrase, "Walking Contradiction." I absolutely loved that. I love it when poets personify ideas like that. That's an excellent tool to use in abstract poetry like this. It adds depth and thought. So thank you for that.

The thing that I didn't like in this section was the fact that you punctuated the first half of your poem but not the second half. Keep it consistant. If you punctuate some, punctuate all. It's all or none. If I were you, I'd punctuate this, since you ask some rhetorical questions and you have question marks and obvious ends of sentences and thoughts. Unless you make those questions stand alone in their own stanzas, then I could see this poem not being punctuated. So it's up to you, but I would go through and punctuate the last half. At least with periods. Commas I'm not too worried about.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star*



*Snow2* Structure and Presentation *Snow2*

I really liked this poem a lot, but your choice in line breaks were throwing me off a lot. My view on line breaks, when you're not writing certain forms or a poem specifically for people who are expert poetry readers, would be to think of a line break as an alternative option to the comma. An average reader of poetry will automatically pause at any line break your throw at them. This is true for structured poetry too. Think of poems that have a rhythm. There's usually a rest at the end of the line before you start another rhythm on the next. The same goes for most free verse poetry. Readers will go through and pause at the end of the line before going on.

In your poem, you have a couple of lines that contain rhetorical questions. There's a definite sentence there. But then, the line will also contain one or two words from another sentence. Making a reader pause after only one word into a sentence can really be damaging on the flow of the poem.

So line breaks usually fit well wherever you would put a comma or a period OR where the poem could naturally feel like a pause can be inserted.

For instance, your first stanza:

*Bullet*"The recluse cloaked by anonymity
I am an enigmatic stranger whose
eye you will not meet, whose name you will
never know. Would you not walk in my shoes?


That's how you put the line breaks. Here's what I would do to make the flow a bit smoother.

*Bullet*The recluse cloaked by anonymity
I am an enigmatic stranger
whose eye you will not meet,
whose name you will never know.
Would you not walk in my shoes?


See how at the end of every line there is a natural pause? The flow works better that way. So go through and play around with the lines breaks and see what you come up with. Some readers like the weird line breaks, but for most readers, confusing pauses and upbeats can ruin a poem.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*



*Snow3* Tone and Voice *Snow3*

You won absolute admiration from me in this section. I loved the use of rhetorical questions and subtle alliteration. Those two devices really help to create a strong voice. You carry it throughout the poem.

The tone was also very good. It was contradicting to itself, but that's what the poem's message is, so it worked beautifully. At the end of the poem, you leave your reader with a sort of confused feel, but that's good. You have things that say, "I'm this, I'm that, I'm both this and that, I'm neither this or that" all in the same line. I love it!

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*



*Snow1* Imagery and Creativity *Snow1*

My first impression of your second stanza was a bad one. With all the cliches, I rolled my eyes at first. But when I finished and went back through the poem, I actually liked the second stanza's familiarity. We know all those sayings, we hear them on a daily basis and so it adds a sort of omnipresent feel to it. It says that you're familiar to us, but at the same time we don't even know you. I really liked that.

You use a lot of good metaphors. The book jacket one was the best. It painted us a nice picture of your feelings.

My only suggestions would be to expand the last stanza. It ended too abruptly for me. Play around a bit with the question you pose there of whether you are friend or foe. Maybe even insert another question. And then go into the grey line image. It would make it more of a powerful statement if you draw it out maybe one or two more lines.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*



*Snow2* Further Comments *Snow2*

Overall I thought this was a great poem. I really enjoyed it. The only thing I didn't like was the odd sounding flow caused by your odd choice in line breaks. Don't worry about the length of your lines, but worry about the flow and the beat. If you play around with the line breaks, let me know because I'd like to take another look at it and I'd be willing to change my rating. But other than that, I loved it. Great job.

Overall Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star*
Write On!

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23
23
Review of Okinawa At Night  
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there! I'm reviewing this on behalf of "The Poetry Review. Thanks for posting!

*Snow1* Mechanics *Snow1*

There were just two small things I found in this poem.

*Bullet*The first was in the last line of the first stanza, don't capitalize the word "the." You end the previous line with a semi-colon, so it doesn't need to be capitalized.

*Bullet*In the third stanza, 5th line, you have "nights" when it should be "night's."

Other than that, great job.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*



*Snow2* Structure and Presentation *Snow2*

I feel like I'm not giving you what you asked for in a review, but all I can say about this poem is that it was awesome. The structure of it was superb. I loved the way you used an onomatopoeia in every stanza. It really tied this poem together but also left it free enough to explore all the different sounds and all the different feelings. Great job.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*



*Snow3* Tone and Voice *Snow3*

Again, I thought this poem was beautiful. The tone and voice fit so well with each other. We really feel the emotion of the main character here and can really find ourselves laying in that bed and listening to all those sounds. There's an innocent horror to this poem that really stirs up your reader's emotions.

Beautiful.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*



*Snow1* Imagery and Creativity *Snow1*

The imagery in this poem is so vivid. You describe the sounds down to every little detail and the use of the onomatopoeias brings it home. There's nothing really more I can say about this. I thought it was beautiful, I thought it was vivid and illustrated. I wouldn't change a thing.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*



*Snow2* Further Comments *Snow2*

So as you know by now, I absolutely adored this poem. I'm sorry there's not much I can point out here, but to me, this poem is awesome. If you fix the mechanical errors I pointed out at the top, I have no problem giving this poem a five star rating. I'm also awarding it. :) It's too beautiful and heartfelt and vivid for me not to. Great job.

Overall Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*
Write On!

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24
24
Review of The Clock  
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi there! I'm reviewing this on behalf of "The Poetry Review. Thanks for posting!

*Snow1* Mechanics *Snow1*

I found quite a few errors throughout this poem. But they'll be easy to fix.

Punctuation

*Bullet* 2nd line: "...early hour," (,) *Right* (.)

*Bullet* 3rd line: "...is bad," (,) *Right* (;)

*Bullet* 4th line: "...is more," (,) *Right* (;)

*Bullet* 11th line: "If that was done before(,) this deed..."

*Bullet* 13th line: "...should be destroyed(.) Ttorture them..."

*Bullet* 16th line: "... have been killed(.)"

*Bullet* 17th line: "Nnow it's revenge..."

*Bullet* 18th line: "...their dues(.)"

*Bullet* 19th line: "Iit has to..."


Grammar

*Bullet* Brief Description: "...I wrote when Ii was..."

*Bullet*For lines 3, 4 and 5, don't capitalize the word "to." You're not starting a new sentence, so there's no need to capitalize them. Especially when you follow the rules of capitalization throughout the rest of your poem.

*Bullet* 4th Line: "...life is more," More what? You should change this word to something like, "worse."

*Bullet* 5th Line: "...loss thatwhich no..."

Section Rating
*Star**Star*



*Snow2* Structure and Presentation *Snow2*

I'm a big fan of the free verse poetry. But I believe that even with free verse, there are certain consistancies that should be upheld. Your poem had a lot of lines that I felt weren't consistant with the rest, or that were worded so oddly that it took me a couple times reading through just that single line to understand what it meant.

We'll work from smallest inconsistancy to largest.

*Bullet* In your 12th line, you have "...paid for their crime...." You should probably make "crime" plural since there's more than one that these people have done to you. They didn't kill just one person, they killed numerous, so the crime would be mulitple murders, multiple injustices.

*Bullet* In your 9th line, there's inconsistancy between the formalities you address the parents. You start off saying "mothers" and at the end of the line you say "dads." I think you should choose one or the other. Formal or informal. For this poem, I would personally choose the formal version. So "dads" should probably be changed to "fathers." It would just help your reader not pause on the word and wonder what was wrong with it. It also gives off two distinct voices, one a bit more mature and one a bit more childish. So it's a matter of consistancy within your voice as well.

*Bullet*In you 17th line, you use the phrase, "for whom the bell tolls." I would try to stay away from the cliches with this poem. It doesn't fit with the rest of the poem, because the rest is original and fueled by emotions. It feels like you threw this expression in there to flare it up a bit, but it sort of sticks out instead of adds to the poem. Try to keep it all your own words. This is obviously a very dear subject to you, the passion behind it is strong, so keep the wording just as passionate as the emotion behind it.

*Bullet*There's two things that I think you should change between the 13th and 14th line. One, would be to break up that 13th line between the words "destroyed" and "torture." If you followed my suggestion to break that into two separate sentences, it would work nicely to break it into two separate lines.

The other would be with the line "...have done to our families and be shown what was done." The repetition of the word "done" here is very throwing. I had to read it a couple of times to understand it. We get that something was done to your family, so find another way to say it. Maybe something like, "shown what horrors they'd committed." Or something along those lines. There are just other ways to say that something's been done.

*Bullet*There were two lines that made absolutely no sense to me.

The first was: "From last I knew it was a crime to take without asking or killing." I'm not sure what you meant by this? From the way you've worded it, it sounds like it's a crime to take something without asking if you can have it or without going ahead and killing it. It doesn't sound like the killing is the crime. I would reword it to make the killing sound like a crime.

The second was: If that was done before this deed would have never been done. I have absolutely no idea what you meant by this. The line before it doesn't give me a clue and even with the punctuation I suggested for this line, I'm still not sure what it's talking about or what it's purpose is. Again, the repetition of the word "done" is really dull. Find other ways to say that something was done. And try to find a way to make it clearer as to what this line is trying to say.



Now, after all those suggestions, I only have one more and it's one that I think could REALLY benefit your poem. I absolutely loved the last three lines. You switch the viewpoint and you direct the anger behind this poem to an actual subject. What I would suggest for you to do would be to break those last three lines off from the rest of the poem and give them their own stanza. It would make them ten times more powerful than what they are right now. It would bring out the anger and the passion. It's already there in those last lines, but I just want you to highlight it and center on it.

Section Rating
*Star**Halfstar*



*Snow3* Tone and Voice *Snow3*

The thing that I really, really liked about this poem was the passion behind it. I didn't walk away wondering what emotion was fueling the words here. The tone was so clear, so open and so firey. I loved the tone and the emotion here.

As for the voice, I think you need to work on it a bit more. It's struggling to find itself at just about every line in this poem. The only place it seems to come together is the first four lines and the last three. The rest, it just feels like every line has a different voice. It can get very choppy and resistant when that happens. It feels like you're forcing a diction that isn't your own. Don't try using a voice that you're not familiar with. Poetry will have a stronger effect if it's told through you own voice when you're expressing your own anger.

Something that may help would be to decide who was the victim here in the story. Who lost their families? You switch the viewpoint a lot. You use "my" and "our" and "you." So whose talking? Whose feeling these emotions? You alone? You and someone else? However, I think you should keep the "you" viewpoint at the end, but settle on one for the rest of the poem. I would keep it just your viewpoint. You and no one else.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star*



*Snow1* Imagery and Creativity *Snow1*

I thought you had great imagery with the clock at the beginning, but where did it go? It's what your poem is titled after, but you spend maybe four lines playing with the image before you switch gears completely. It's like you started writing one poem, but then in the middle of the first you started writing another. This feels like two separate poems to me. One about the clock, one about revenge.

So maybe your title is misleading a little? You lead your reader to believe, before they even start reading, that the main focus of this poem is going to be that image of the clock. So we spend a good 2/3 of this poem thinking we're reading about a clock and then when we realize it's switched gears, we have to go back and read what we've just read to figure out what the subject is going to be. The title should reflect what this is about, not just an image at the beginning.

My next question is, where are the adjectives? I see maybe two in this entire poem. You don't hardly use any and that leads for a very dull poem. It doesn't do the passion behind it justice. One of the best pieces of advice anyone has ever given me were the words, "Show us, don't tell us." With this poem, you do a lot of telling, but hardly any showing.

Now, as I've said before, I loved the end of this poem. Directing that anger towards someone was a creative move that's about ten levels higher than the rest of the poem. It gives this poem a depth that I was surprised to find. I think you should work with that. Work with the end being focused on someone and the rest of the poem just showing us the massacre and the atrocities done to your family. Leave us guessing to who this is aimed until the end when you switch to the "you" point of view. The end's very well done. My favorite part. It's kind of menacing, you know? One of those poems that sort of says, "I'm coming to get you." Great!

Section Rating
*Star**Star*



*Snow2* Further Comments *Snow2*

So I've pointed out a lot of things that I think can be improved in this poem. You can take my suggestions or you can leave them. I sort of dug deep into this poem and worked it over pretty good. But I only did that because there IS such a high level of passion behind this poem and I feel like the poem itself doesn't really reflect that enough. It could, you have a great idea of how you want it to reflect, but you don't quite get there. Add some imagery, don't tell us what happened, show us. Maybe you could create the image of someone looking at the bodies of the deceased? When I read this, I think of war time. So there's a load of imagery to choose from there.

The end was awesome. On just those last three lines, I give you a five star rating. But the rest of the poem needs a little work. Let me know if you make any changes and I'd be more than willing to come back and look it over again. I think this has a lot of potential and I can see that you've got skill because those last three lines really made me think.

Overall Rating
*Star**Star*
Write On!

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25
25
Review of My Silence  
Review by Wenston
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi there! I'm reviewing this on behalf of "The Poetry Review. Thanks for posting!

*Snow1* Mechanics *Snow1*

You did a really great job with this part. I'm a big supporter of poetry that lacks punctuation. Even though I normally relate that style with free verse, I think that it works here well enough. Although at the same time I think this poem would benefit from being punctuated. But I didn't mark you down for that because that's your choice. It's a style, it's the writer's choice whether they want to use it or not.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


*Snow2* Structure and Presentation *Snow2*

Your rhyming was good. It was solid. I won't lie, in my opinion it was nothing spectacular. It was on the verge of sounded forced, but didn't quite get there. Rhyme should have a natural feel to it and you managed to do that in a few of the lines. Specifically the "you" to "through" and the "us" to "disgust." I thought those lines sounded great.

But there were a few lines where I felt the rhyme was dictating the poem instead of the other way around. The lines that I feel do this are "apart" to "heart" and "pawn" to "gone." I have a mental list of what I like to call "cheap rhymes." And "heart" and "pawn" are on that list. It comes from reading so many poems that use those words for rhyming that I've started getting immediately turned off to a poem that uses them. I tried to push that biased away for this poem, so I didn't mark you down for the rhyme scheme.

There are a few other areas I think you could work on.

*Bullet*Your line:

"Feeding off my tears and all your lies"

This line threw off the flow of your poem. If you could shorten it one syllable, I think it would be okay. Or else do something with the word "your." The sound is weird to me for some reason and I tried to figure out why. Either the syllable count is one too long or the close use of "my" and "your" is throwing it off. I couldn't figure out which one. I'd play around with it and see if there's a way to say that line that may sound better.

*Bullet*In the 3rd stanza, the 2nd line, I think you should choose a different word for "scars." It's too soon to repeat the word and it sounds repetitious when you should have repetition there. Maybe you could replace one of them with "wounds" or "hurts" or something along those lines.

*Bullet*Your line:

"Couldn't you see that I loved you"

sounds funny to me. I'm not sure if it works with your style of no punctuation, because there would normally be a question mark on the end of that line. And the line itself has too much round about for me. It goes from you to I and back to you in the space of six words.

I think if you used a line that wasn't a question there, it may help. I would suggest something like,

"It hurt how deeply I loved you"

or something along those lines. Keep the word "you" as your last word on the line because that worked for the poem.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


*Snow3* Tone and Voice *Snow3*

It's really hard to find the voice of this poem and it shouldn't be that hard because of the strong emotions behind it. A really large contributing factor to that problem is, like I said before, your rhyme scheme dictates the poem instead of the poem dictating the rhyme scheme. It's obvious you were working towards a rhyme instead of a line. Sometimes that works, for certain styles and themes that works. But for this poem, I don't think it does. It takes away from it. It prevents the tone and the voice from coming forward and playing a part in the reading.

However, you redeem yourself with the very last line of the poem. It's bitter, it's regretful, it's emotion without coming out and saying it's emotion. I loved that last line. So you managed to sum up the poem in a spectacular way, but the rest of the poem's emotion should be just as spectacular. And it wasn't for me.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star*


*Snow1* Imagery and Creativity *Snow1*

Here's where the poem fell apart for me. Your first stanza and your last stanza had solid imagery. Nothing with much grandeur, but it was there. I liked in the first stanza how you played around with the concept of silence. I think you could really use that in the rest of the poem too.

It was the middle stanzas that were lacking imagery. You come close with the third stanza and your use of "scars." But it doesn't quite hit it. I feel like the middle two stanzas were just there to take up space and I don't say that in a mean way, so please don't take offense. But the first stanza and the last stanza have meaning, have images and messages. The middle two stanzas are just sort of talking. They just come out and say what your emotions are when they should present us with images or concepts or metaphors that make the reader relate images to them.

It's like someone saying, "I'm sad." Okay great, we know how you feel you just told us. And then another person comes up and says, "I'm tried of crying." It has a much deeper, much more sincere feel to it.

You come close, really close to being that second person, but it doesn't quite reach. I feel like this poem is on the verge of being extremely emotional and great but your word choice doesn't quite get it across.

Again, that has something to do with the rhyme scheme. It's very hard to write good rhyming poetry. It's hard to make a rhyme that doesn't sound forced, that doesn't make the reader focus on just the last word in the lines instead of what the lines are saying. My theory on rhyming poetry is that the reader shouldn't feel like the rhyme is all the poem is about. They should hear a cadence, hear a beat, enjoy the rhythm, but at the end, they should walk away with a meaning instead of a melody.

As for the creativity part, again, you're so close to having a unique, awesome poem but you don't quite pull it off. The last line is your best line (and not in the "oh it's over" way.) It's a good, solid last line that sums up the emotion, it leaves the reader with a feeling. It's motion and it's emotion. If you could convey that in the rest of your poem, you'd be set. There needs to be something about this poem that is unique to you as a writer, to your style. And right now all I see is rhyme and a awesome last line.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star*


*Snow2* Further Comments *Snow2*

I don't want you to get discouraged. I pointed out a lot of flaws and little things and went into a depth that probably is beyond what you had in mind when you wrote this. But, I'm only doing that because I want this poem to be awesome. It's got the potential to be that. You've got some great lines in here and I can catch glimpses of the emotion behind it.

So don't get discouraged or upset. You're an awesome writer, you know that because I awarded your other poem. And you know it because you really are good.

Work on this poem if you want, or keep it the way it is. I know sometimes I get upset when someone tells me to change the way my poem is, so I understand that. But if you do decide to work on it and rehash it a bit, let me know and I'll be glad to look over it again.

I feel like I need to give you a virtual hug because this really was one of my more harsher reviews, lol. But I'm not going to apologize because I really think that if you took my advice, even just a little of it, this poem could be really great. Just please just keep it in mind that I think you're an awesome writer, I know you have great skill and good ideas.

Overall Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*
Write On!

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