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51
51
Review of The Darkness  
Review by Wenston
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello there!

Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" . Your support is greatly appreciated.


*Snow1*Spelling, Grammar and Punctuation*Snow1*

*Bullet*There were a couple of sentences that didn't make sense:

         He knows something what I don’t.

                   what *Right* that

         There is no chance of mine warning you all

                   I'm not sure, but I don't think "mine" is the right word. Maybe, me?



*Bullet*Other than that, you spelling and grammar is pretty good. But, I would still go through and read all of this outloud to yourself to make sure. There were a couple of parts that sounded strange to me, but fit. So, just make sure.

*Right*Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star*




*Snow2*Voice and Creativity*Snow2*

*Bullet*The voice is strong, but it's a little over the top. This is a very melodramatic piece and by the end I was sick of all the warning and caution that was being thrown at me. The voice is there and it's an interesting one, but I think that you over use it a little too much. Back off a little and let the reader thrive off of the voice and play with it instead of shoving it into your readers' faces.

*Bullet*As for creativity, this is a very creative piece. I liked the creative aspect of it. You say that it requires deep thinking. When I got done reading this, I didn't have a clue what was going on, only that maybe there's an evil force threatening to take over the world. Perhaps this requires a little too much deep thinking? I tend to not stick to stories that don't tell me what's going on. I want to know at least something. This was all a character's perspective from a story that we know nothing about. Give us a little more.

*Right*Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star*




*Snow3*Mechanics*Snow3*

*Bullet*My main beef with this story is that it is way, way too long considering the fact that you say absolutely nothing more than, "Watch out for this evil dude, because he's coming." That's all that is being said here, unless I missed something. Like I said before, you warn your readers that there is some deep thinking involved, but I have absolutely no clue what's going on. We need a little more story to make this interested. To tell you the truth, I got bored with it after the 5th paragraph and for the rest, it was like I was reading the exact same thing that you've already said.

*Bullet*There is no chance of mine warning you all, for you cannot even see me.
         Obviously there's some way that you can warn us, because we're reading this. You even say in the end that you're writing this as a warning. So, there is a chance.

*Bullet*There needs to be more story. This piece doesn't have a beginning, middle, or end. It's a good idea, but you need to work on the story more.

*Bullet*I like the little page breaks, with the different suits, they look good. Maybe you could center them? That would look even better.

*Right*Section Rating
*Star**Star*



*Smile*OVERALL*Smile*

*Bullet*Overall, I like the idea, but you need to work a lot on this. This is entirely too long and because there is no action, it will get boring to a lot of readers. I can understand something requiring deep thinking, but to have no action whatsoever, that's a little much to ask of people who read this. But, the concept is good.

*Right*Overall Rating
*Star**Star**Star*
Write On!

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52
52
Review of An Anecdotal Life  
Review by Wenston
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hey Amanda. *Smile*

Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" . Your support of the contest means a lot to me.


*Snow1*Spelling, Grammar, and Punctuation*Snow1*

*Bullet*All of your spelling, grammar, and punctuation is really well done. Your writing is exceptional and you know how to form your sentences. It's a really nice job and I couldn't find any errors whatsoever in the entries that I've read.

*Right*Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*




*Snow2*Voice and Creativity*Snow2*

*Bullet*The voice of this piece is awesome! It always helps when the voice is your own. You're telling people your life story and while doing so, you're keeping it VERY entertaining. The voice is strong, solid, and uniquely your own. Well done.

*Bullet*The creativity of this piece is amazing. I love reading items that tell about true life when they're done right. Sometimes authors tells us stories that aren't entertaining and that have no real meaning. The stories that you're telling in this book are really good and have a very high entertainment value. I really liked the chapter, "110." The last line was very funny and very good. Excellent job.

*Right*Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*




*Snow3*Mechanics*Snow3*

*Bullet*You have a very unique way of setting us up for a story. In the chapter, "110," your opening paragraph immediately grabbed my attention because you address the reader's own memories and also present your own spin on them. I remember getting the keys to the car the very first time and wanting to do donuts in the parking lot. I managed to control myself long enough to drive the car to the grocery store, but that memory will always be funny to me. The set up to your chapters are really great.

*Bullet*I just really like the way this is written. You don't dilly dally with stupid descriptions. You get right to the story and right to the point while keeping a very characteristic voice to it all. This is very well written and your writing style is amazing. I can see this being published.

*Right*Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*




*Smile*OVERALL*Smile*

I loved this piece. I couldn't find anything I didn't like about it. It's just really well written and the stories are good and true to life.

Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" .

*Right*Overall Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
Write On!

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53
53
Review of Beauty Is  
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey there!

Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . Your support is greatly appreciated.


*Snow1*Spelling, Grammar, and Punctuation*Snow1*

*Bullet*Everything is very well done with the technical aspects of this poem. Your punctuation is right on and there's nothing wrong with your spelling. Your grammar is all correct. Excellent job.

*Right*Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*



*Snow2*Voice and Creativity*Snow2*

*Bullet*The voice of this piece is strong. I can see the narrator and the author sitting behind this and writing it down. If that's not the voice you meant to go for, then you need to work on it, but if that's the voice you wanted, great job. It's a very personal piece that reflects a lot of personal thoughts. That makes for a very solid and strong voice. Well done.

*Bullet*The creative aspect of this could be a little better. The structure adds to the creativity of this piece, but that's all this has. Otherwise, there's nothing really that sticks out and gives it flare. It's a very common thought that you have in this poem. But it just needs some extra kick to get the creative points higher.

*Right*Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star*




*Snow3*Mechanics*Snow3*

*Bullet*The only thing I would work on would be to somehow make this more visual. I want some images to work with instead of just emotions and mannerisms. Let me see this a little more. You could use some metaphors to get the same point across. Though, make sure you don't take away from the structure because the structure is very well done and it gives this poem a nice feel.

*Bullet*You have on line in here that I absolutely love.

Why is imperfect spat on as if it were the vilest thing on earth?

I LOVE that line. It really sticks out at me. Nicely done.

*Right*Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star*1/2



*Smile*OVERALL*Smile*

Overall, I liked this poem a lot. I think it needs just a little bit of imagery to make it better, but right now it's good. You've got some lines in here that are just really good "make you think" type of lines. Well done.

Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" .

*Right*Overall Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star*1/2
Write On!

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54
54
Review of The Book  
Review by Wenston
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hey there!

Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . Your support is greatly appreciated.


*Snow1*Spelling, Grammar, and Punctuation*Snow1*

*Bullet*Lit up by the blazing setting sun,
This line sounds wrong. A setting sun usually isn't blazing. It's usually mild compared to when it's midday. Perhaps you could come up with a new word for blazing?

*Bullet*“Don’t do this Stevie.
There needs to be a comma after "this."

*Bullet*“Tomorrow I’ll be coming for you Danny.
There needs to be a comma after "you."

*Bullet*On towards the path that led away from the reservoir Steve walked.
This would sound a lot better if it were worded like this:

"Steve walked on towards the path which led away from the reservoir."

*Right*Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star*



*Snow2*Voice and Creativity*Snow2*

*Bullet*The voice is a little lacking. This piece is solidly written, but there's no spice to it. There's nothing in the writing style that makes it your own. It's just a story, just written with no flare. Add something of your own to the style to create a more constructed voice. I think a strong, unique voice would add a lot to the story.

*Bullet*The creative aspect of this story was great. I love werewolves and I loved the story of this. Plotwise, you've introduced a lot of things for the reader. This story builds its very own world in a very short time. Well done.

*Right*Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star*1/2



*Snow3*Mechanics*Snow3*

*Bullet*You've introduced a lot of things in this story that I think you could easily go on with. This seems to me like a prologue to a longer piece or something. There's a lot of questions that need to be answered.

*Bullet*It was comical to him how the habit had developed over the years, but he had to erase those thoughts from his mind for now.
This is a very unnecessary sentence. It's a waste to have it in there because you never go back to it. What was the point of setting this up?

*Bullet*There's a lot of small things that you've established between Jack and Steve's friendship that aren't necessary either. We don't need to know that Steve was the one who set Jack up with his first date.

*Bullet*I like how you leave some of the story open for the reader's imagination. However, you almost leave too much open. When I'm finished reading this, I have a lot of questions that I want answered. I need to know what's happening and I don't like having to create part of the story myself. You should give more details as to who Steve and Jack work for.

*Bullet*Set up the character of Danny more. Your last paragraph is about Steve seeking revenge on Danny, but you've hardly mentioned Danny. Have Jack and Steve talk more about him to give the character more depth.

*Right*Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star*




*Smile*OVERALL*Smile*

Overall I thought this was a good story. I think it could be written better, but the plot has a lot of potential. Good luck with the contest.

Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" .

*Right*Overall Rating
*Star**Star**Star*
Write On!

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55
55
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (5.0)
A very good and thorough survey. You use very good techniques to get to know people who are applying to your group. The questions you ask are very good questions considering the nature of your group.

This survey has a very professional feel about it, which makes me think that the group is run very well and up to date. That's a good thing because just reading through this survey and not knowing about the group at all, it makes me want to be a part of it though I have no interest in Children's writing. That's always a key way to bring people into the group.

A very well done survey. Good luck with the group.

Wenston

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56
56
Review of Look Away  
Review by Wenston
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Agh, I reviewed this once before but the site went down and took my review with it. *Frown* Lol. But here we go again.

I really liked this poem. It's got a nice message to it and it's clear with it's visual images.

*Star*Lines 1 and 2

You start out this poem beautifully. The opening line draws us in. If the line is part of the contest, which I think it is beause it's bold, then you've used in a really good way to draw the attention of your readers.

The second line automatically gives your readers an image to build off of. It's a good visual to start off this oem with.

*Star*Lines 3 and 4

The wording in these two lines is difficult. I don't think that the way you chose to word them adds to the tone, so I suggest that you change them and make it easier. Doing this will also help the flow of this poem.

and people not looking, passing them by,

could be changed to

and people not looking, just passing them by

As with

with not a glance or a wonder why?

to

without a glance or wondering why.

There's also no need to the question mark at the end of that sentence. You're not asking a question.

*Star*Lines 5 and 6

I really liked how you brought in the image of a knife. It adds to the voice of this. You use really good images that match with the tone you're trying to set.

To Too wrapped up...

Just a grammar mistake.

The phrase "a knife" at the end of line 6 could be changed to "knives." It would help with the rhyme and also with the flow because of syllable lengths.

Also, I would reconsider the use of the word "uncaring," in this line. When a reader sees this line, they may have to do a double take because normally the word uncaring is an adjective but in this line you use it as a noun. Perhaps you could use the word ignorance? Or something to that effect.

*Star*Lines 7 and 8

These two lines seem out of place in the whole poem. In my opinion, you could leave these two lines out and it wouldn't take anything away from the meaning of the poem. Maybe you were just going for the rhyme? I'm not sure. Either way is good.

*Star*Lines 9 and 10

Line 10 is really good! We get another visual image that's realistic and something most people have probably seen either in movies or in real life. I've seen this in real life so I know what it looks like, and the emotions that come along with it. Nice choice of an image that brings good emotions.

Line 9 reads oddly.

No where do they have to sleep for the night,

Maybe you could change it to something like this:

They've nowhere to go to sleep for the night.

It would give it a nice up and down flow through this section of the poem.

*Star*Lines 11 and 12

You use a great phrase here. "Children killing children..." This is something that always makes someone think. It was a very good line.

so mother's mothers (there's no need for the apostrophe) kill their young when things get to too tough.

Just some more grammar things.

*Star*Lines 13 and 14

Line 13 has too many syllables. It has more than any other in the poem. I would suggest changing it so it has less.

Drowning them in the tub, or plunging then* into the bay.

Maybe to:

Drowning in tubs or sinking into the bay

*If you don't change it, make sure that you change the word "then" to "them."

I love the fact that you end the poem with the same line you started. This always brings closure to a poem, no matter which type you're trying to write. It was wonderfully done.


OVERALL

A great poem. There were some grammatical errors that are easy to fix. Make sure that the poem flows. Too many breaks in a poem can throw the reader off while they're reading.

You do a really nice job bringing to life images that come with a lot of emotions. That makes this a very emotional poem. I can feel the passion behind this poem that you felt while you were writing it. Nicely done!

Wenston

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57
57
Review of Inner Decay  
Review by Wenston
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A depressing poem! But it's still very beautifully written. It took me a while to figure out the pattern that was being used. I know that's it's a special style of poetry but I wasn't familiar with it. But I finally got it lol. You use it nicely!

*Star*Your first stanza:

"The mystery lies within
a heart so broken it can't be repaired.
Such sorrows remain with me forever-
dancing satanically, in a maniacal fashion."

In the second line, the phrase, "a heart so broken," caught me a little off guard. I think that this phrase is a little cliche for this poem. The poem itself is wonderful, but a cliched phrase can catch up the reader when they're trying to get through it. Maybe change it to:

"A heart broken beyond repair."

Or something that fits the tone of the poem better. Maybe add some allegory, references to older literature or religion (not sure of your beliefs) or whatnot. Maybe put a word that symoblizes death in there? That could add to the tone nicely.

The fourth line:

"dancing satanically, in a maniacal fashion."

Satanically and maniacal kind of disbalance each other. It's a repetitive statement. Satanically and maniacal fashion describe the same thing. I'm not entirely sure how you could fix this. You could leave it how it is, but I think it takes away from the impact of this one line. It's especially hard since you use this line later in the poem as well.


*Star*Your second stanza:

"A heart so broken it can't be repaired?
You may ask me that, and I'll tell you it's true.
After all that's happened to me, I've lost faith.
Let the moths nibble at my rippled flesh."

The first three lines are, for a lack of a better word, blah. There's not a lot of imagery in those three lines. However, I think you more than make up for it with the AWESOME line of, "Let the moths nibble at my rippled flesh." That imagery is wonderful. It fits in so well with the depressing and dark mood of the poem.


*Star*Your third stanza:

"Such sorrows remain with me forever.
They eye me evily as I gaze in the mirror.
My sorrows won't leave me; I am the new host
for these undying parasites."

In the second line, there is a nice small use of alliteration with, "eye me evily." It rolls off the tongue and helps with the flow of this poem. I also really enjoyed the last line, "for these undying parasites." The diction of this stanza is great but can really be seen with your choice of the words parasites. It gives your reader a visual image that will really help to bring out the author's visions of what sorrow is.


*Star*Your fourth stanza:

"Dancing satanically, in a maniacal fashion,
I am haunted by failure, my only virtue.
Need not be a purpose for me
except to take up this Earth's precious space."

The darkest of all the stanzas! The tone is summed up here beautifully. Your wording in the third and fourth lines caught me at first, but once I reread it, I liked it. Your choice to use the word, "precious" gives the voice of this poem an almost jealous, hatred towards the earth and maybe life itself.

OVERALL
It's a very nicely done poem. I would work on the second stanza a little, try to give it some more visual words. Also, the fourth line in the first stanza could be less repetitive. But overall, a great poem. *Smile*

Wenston
58
58
Review of Help Me  
Review by Wenston
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
An excellent piece! I absolutely loved it. My favorite part about this poem was the imagery. Each stanza takes me, as the reader, to a new place and I could see things happening while I was reading.

The emotion of this piece is what gives it its soul. There's a lot of emotions in here that are shared by a lot of people and I think that is what will give it appeal towards other readers. When people are able to connect with the emotions conveyed through a piece, it's easier to read and to understand.

You use wonderful similies and metaphors in here. There aren't too many, but there aren't too few either. It's nicely balanced.

I like the free verse aspect of it. It adds to the style of uncertainty and doubt that echoes throughout this poem.

Like I said, it's wonderfully written. Thank you so much for sharing it with me. *Smile*

Wenston
59
59
Review of ~My Love For You~  
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (4.0)
A very sweet poem. I love the emotion you put into this piece because I can feel what you're feeling, the utter love and everything.

Something that I think this poem needs a bit of work on is the flow. It feels like you are just speaking and that there is no real rhythm to the way that people can read this. What makes most poetry good is the fact that there is almost a beat that a person falls into while they're reading poetry. Maybe if you work on syllable count or something, it might help.

Thanks for sharing. *Smile*
Wenston
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60
60
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (5.0)
Excellent poem. There is so much emotion in just this poem and you portray it so well with your great word choice. A lot of times, authors have so much emotion but that can't get that emotion across exactly because their word choice is all wrong. But yours is right on target.

Structure is a good thing in poetry. The structure of your poem is loose, but it's there. I felt like it helped the flow and overall tone of the poem. Excellent job.

Thanks for sharing,
Wenston
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61
61
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (5.0)
Excellent imagery. I'm a big fan of imagery and that's probably why I gave this poem the highest rating. You do imagery so well, especially with your excellent word choice.

What I really enjoyed the most was your use of personification. My favorite line is, "The flowers are crying...." That's such a great image.

Excellent job,
Wenston
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62
62
Review by Wenston
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
You create some excellent imagery with this piece. You are a truly talented author.

One thing that I would suggest you do to improve this piece is to keep the imagery moving. The first few paragraphs are excellent and they set up the story well. Then all of a sudden all the story is, is dialogue. Add some flavor and some description in with the dialogue so that the reader doesn't get so lost with the mental image of what is going on.

Otherwise, it's a very nice piece. Thanks for sharing,
Wenston
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63
63
Review by Wenston
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
What an excellent poem! As soon as you set up characters and a plot I was so into this poem. This poem could have a deeper meaning that can be interpreted many different ways, but to me, I'm just going to enjoy the story that it tells.

I really enjoyed how everything paralleled each other. You did an excellent job, whether you meant to or not, of setting up the coinciding tone of this piece.

I just loved this poem so much I don't have anything bad to say about it. Keep it up and send me more!
Wenston
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64
64
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a great poem. It is a very good analogy for a feeling that not many people know is out there. Or they choose to ignore it if they do.

Something that I really liked about your poem is that you build it up a lot. I was really looking forward to finding out what the path was. I was thinking maybe love, or friendship or something, but then you never came out and said what it was. I'm not sure if I like how you keep it open or if I'm mad at you for not telling me what the path is. *Smile*

Either way, this is a great poem.
Thanks for sharing.
Wenston
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65
65
Review of Emerald Lies  
Review by Wenston
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
You have some amazing imagery in here. My suggestion to you on this poem, however, is to stop worrying about rhyming. Not all poems have to rhyme and I think that in the case of this poem, it takes away from the overall effect of the poem's message.

You can have some rhyming lines, but for this partiular poem, you don't need to stick to a certain structure of rhyming because this poem I picture as being really abstract.

Something that I did like about this one is the flow and rhythm. I can read it and almost feel a beat behind it. It helps the poem read smoothely. Very nice.

Thank you for sharing,
Wenston
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66
66
Review of Fairy Nuff chap1  
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (4.0)
A pretty decent first chapter. There are a few things that I would suggest to you. First of all, in the 11th paragraph, you say, "He could never could tell with that lad..." This entire sentence needs to be revised because it doesn't make sense in about two parts of the sentence. Just go back and read through it and you'll see what I mean.

I like the concept, but I think that you could expand on it a lot. Maybe get more backgrounds into the worlds before they leave? Or even just tell us what they are doing because I was really confused for a while.

You could also use some more character development. You've got some good stuff, but there could be more.

The first scene has very good description. You worded it really well and the words that you used paint a beautiful picture. I like how much of a contrast Paul is in his own world. Everything is so magical and beautiful and here he is wearing all black and beng dark and secluded. That was a nice addition to the story.

Overall, a pretty good start.
Thanks for sharing,
Wenston

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67
Review of Lost Inside  
Review by Wenston
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Personally, I wouldn't classify this as poetry, but I would classify it as prose, which I like just as much as poetry. :) So I'll forgive you this time lol.

Anyway, this is a very nice short piece of prose. I enjoyed how you used the one word sentences. The description words were really powerful.

The way that you used one sentence to contradict a sentence right before it set a really good tone to the prose that I enjoyed.

The only piece of critism that I have is that the ending is rough. It's nice enough to pass by, but it seems really jagged to me, I'm not sure why.

Thank you for sharing this with me. :)
Wenston
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