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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/whitemorn123
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227 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Love is complex  
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello friend!

Nice title and thought provoking poem! Love is surely a complex thing and you covered the complexities nicely!

Keep on writing!
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Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello friend,

Hope you are happy and well today!

I read this poem at your request and am offering my thoughts. I am not the most gracious reviewer ... I review every item the way that I would want my work to be looked at because honest reviews make me a better writer. So here goes:

The title tells your readers exactly what to expect. If this were a documentary or a how to guide this would be appropriate, but for novels and poetry a different approach would be helpful for you, that approach should be a title that presents a question in the readers mind in order to draw them in; to make them want to read more. If I were using a title for that purpose I might use these examples: "Thrill of Our Human Kind" or "Thrilling,Spine Chilling". If I were browsing titles, I would probably not read a title with bull fighting in it because I simply am not a fan of the sport.

The text body of the poem is good! You did a splendid job of turning to both sides of the public's point of view, fan or foe. I especially enjoyed the first two couplets because they remind me of what the actual event is like, presenting nice visuals for the reader. I could have used a little more of that ... the actual bull fighting activity.

Grammar: Free verse poetry is much more flexible when it comes to grammar so I'll leave it alone except to say that I probably would have used periods more frequently at the end of every line that called for one.

I guess that sums it up for me.

Take care my friend and keep on writing!
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Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Howdy Angus,

This item is the "brutally honest" poster child of Christmas tree lore.

Makes me glad I bought my artificial (silk) Christmas tree. One of those that looks far better than a real one!

My thoughts turn to "better to die young and beautiful than to die a stinking old fart." So now I can cope easier with the murder of thousands of trees each year.

My favorite: (“Oh, look honey. That one’s perfect. Let’s kill it!”)

Thanks for the chuckles!! :D
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Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello K.HBey

I finally walked through your window to find this excerpt of thought.

This item makes your readers think, because the questions are abundant, yet unanswered. IE: why are the "bushy paths full of grief bitterness and remorse". Why is "time up"? How can winter and spring both be "forever"?

The only conflict is the harshness of winter and an implied amount of pain, both physical and emotional. There is this reflection of springs healing renewal which is the theme / moral to the story of the cycle of pain and rest.

I liked many aspects of the poem as well as the theme. It was like viewing the rings of water after something is dropped in without knowing what it was that was dropped in.

There are several corrections in punctuation that I could site ... missing commas one period and an extra space as well as a change in tense. If you want to have them pointed out I would be happy to, but for now, I prefer to focus on the substance of the poem.

Best regards and a wish for joy!, Whitemorn
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Review of The Sniper  
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Angus,

Hope you are getting lots of images of Zoe!

I think this is a genius ... that said, I only found room for one plausible change, remove the word "had" from the first line. It's redundant. Had trained: Had (Past tense activity), "trained", also the same (past tense activity)only more explicit.

Great item though for having so few words my friend!

Thanks for the groovy read! *Delight*
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Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi D.

Saw this in the news feeds so I checked it out.

I enjoyed it very much! I always wondered why they couldn't reinvent a new word. I personally think all words should be spelled differently.

How about:

"We went to the aviary and saw many birds with long bills."
"I needed money so I searched for some bills I had stashed around the house."

A fun study of a list of true homonyms. ;)
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7
Review by Whitemorn
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I wonder if that's what we have in Ohio? I get itchy spots occasionally or often, especially on my arms and feet but I always thought they were from mosquitos. I have to put jars of vinegar with a few drops of citrus dish washing liquid around to catch them, plus fly strips.

Thanks for the writ River!
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Review of The Haunted Hotel  
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Jellyfish,

I was hunting for a short story and found this one. Did I like it? Yes. You demonstrated a well-rounded writing style throughout, using adjectives and verbs appropriately without becoming boring by using too many.

I enjoyed the accents you gave to the foreign couple and the surprise ending.

Corrections: I found only four:

You wrote:

"The woman was sat in a garden chair and the man was on his phone talking in broken English and she caught some of the words," (in the paragraph starting with "As")

Should that be "The woman was <<(sitting)>> rather than (sat)?

Also, this line near the end:

"I see you found the ghost,” He said. He looked embarrassed, wary as he moved past her in to the little room and the kittens ran to him.

"wary as he moved past her in to" <<(into)>> would be the correct word.

Finally:

"After swimming, showering, dinner and a couple of drinks at the bar, Sarah felt just about ready to crash. It had been a long day and she wanted to be up early to take a boat trip. She had all but forgotten about the couple from reception and the ghost, had got<<(were)>> chatting to a Swedish couple at the bar who had been there a week already. As she climbed in to <<(into)>> bed, she sighed happily and closed her eyes.

There's a good program called Grammarly that you might want to check out for free at grammarly.com. I just started using it recently to find issues in my own work.

Over all impression:

This story was not what I expected from the title, which made me expect to be frightened. Instead, I found it to be interesting with a sweet ending.

What I think would improve the story: Perhaps you could have had a man hitting on Sarah at the bar who secretly slips a "Bill Cosby" into her drink. She leaves the bar having no interest in the rude man but when she goes to bed the drug makes her dream terrifying things about the supposed hauntings. (Of course, you would make it seem as if it were not in a dream until she wakes from the scratching. That would give this the horror factor that would match the title.

Keep in mind that these ideas are only my opinions and are not meant to offend in any way.

I look forward to reading more of your work!

Best, Whitemorn


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Review of Celebration!  
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Angus,

There's little need for me to write an actual review because your generally without error in your writs. However, I will put in my two cents on the context.

There's a reason why Trump is being continually attacked by Lollywood and the mainstream media and it all has to do with the people that own them ... Big pharma and the more powerful insurance companies. Monsanto and other huge corporations hate Trump because he wants to mess with their agenda. If you think Heroin is just being labbed up by some Mexican drug cartel, its not. It's made by big pharma who has billions of dollars at stake from transporting it into the states by those cartels. So they have hired instigators of disruption to call Trump racist because he wants to "beef up" the border. The wall isn't just to slow the flow, but also to keep the South Americans ie: Chili, Brazil, Argentina, and Guatemalan immigrants who are being trained in ISIS camps to come into the country and mow down our innocent kids at the county fair, or the "Boys to Girls" concert.

I own several guns, something Hillary wanted to take from me while Trump did not. I don't care how many vajajays Trump grabs as long as I keep my sovereignty as a gun owner.

Trump's last debate sold me. I'm an Independent ... always have been and in my view, anyone who is in favor of saving America from Muslimism was worthy of my vote. Is he crass? You bet he is, but he's tough, not bowing down to the world like Obama did. Not funding our enemies and letting the dangerous terrorists go with a slap on the wrists.

Do I laugh at SNL's political skits? Yes I do, it's hysterical, but those people have sold their sold to corporations like Monsanto, maker of the bee killing herbicide "Roundup" which is now illegal to use in most of Europe. The decline of honey bees has been blamed on a fungus, then on a bacteria, and also a virus but recent tests reveal Glyphosate "Roundup" in hives to dangerous PPM levels. Trump is looking at these products as well as the mandatory immunizations of children with ingredients that only Adolph Hitler would use. Mercury being the worst. Hillary was a slave to Monsanto, GMO producers, big pharma and the biggest joke ... the FDA.

So the hate Trump movement is very loud unless you talk to the coal miners, the auto workers, the manufacturing companies and the rest of the working class. We all voted for the man who we though had our best interests in mind. Madonna, Judd, and so many other pawns of social unrest are all bought. SNL, "bought", CNN "bought", MSNBC "bought", NBC "bought" etc... So we have the Heroin users, the people on welfare, the illegals, and the socialists all hating the man cause he wants to keep them from dying, or put them back to work, send them home, and try to maintain the values that this nation was founded on.

He didn't let corporations fund his campaign, which was formerly unheard of. In Ohio, when I go to the bars to sing karaoke, 90% of the crowd are Trump people which I was a little surprised about, but now I'm thinking the Trump Train movement is much bigger than is being reported.

Robert Morris who signed the Declaration of Independence and provided the weapons for us to whip up on the British with was a direct ancestor of mine, so politics have always been an important issue. People in power are usually a bit odd but the best leaders are the ones who don't let anyone but themselves call the shots. Napolian was like that as were so many others. Kennedy had Marilyn Monroe, Bill had Monica, Trump had an imaginary woman willing to let him place his hand .. (well) you know. But he never said he did that, just that he had the power to. So now they call him a womanizer? And He's racist because he wants to keep illegals out so the legal citizens can have the jobs stolen from them back? Even my Latino friends want the wall because it's mostly illegals taking legal Hispanic's jobs away.

So this long public review is mostly for anyone who reads it, not just yourself. Sorry about being so long winded, LOL! I'm not offended by your writ, who could be offended by freedom of speech? Oh ya, the Trump haters are.

Best, WM
10
10
Review of The Wolves  
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello D. Hope this day finds you some joy!

I found this story in the news feeds.

I enjoyed reading this thriller. You did a good job making me feel like I were witnessing an actual event, something many writers here fail to achieve this well.

I found no errors with the exception of the fact that you changed from past tense, to present tense and then back to past tense again four or five times, but that's easily corrected. ;)

The 11th paragraph is my favorite. "The Wolves" is a good title for this story.

This piece was close to home, since my Puggle "Cody", was attacked by a Bull Terrier 11 days ago. He's getting two stints removed today where the dog left some nasty gashes. For five days he had to be carried because he couldn't walk. Now he's almost back to normal.

That's my two cents. Have a great weekend!!! :)
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Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Angus, Yes this is a definite mind bender. I'm still stuck so you've done well! ;)

Best, WM
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Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Bubblegum,

This was a very interesting item on the Dr. I enjoyed reading it and was enlightened by it.

I actually have several books yet to read by him which I was unaware of until today, the reason being that I believed our public library to have all of them but that was not the case.

I also try to avoid children. I like watching them but I detest their crying over silly issues.

Poe is also one of my favorite authors so I enjoyed reading your paragraph on him.

One edit seems to be in order: His name Theodor does not have an "e" on the end. Seems odd though as it is the first time I have seen it spelled that way.

You could add a few points of interest to this item such as his work as a political cartoonist.

Here's my reference: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dr._Seuss

Best regards, Whitemorn
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for entry "Tongue Twister" 
Review by Whitemorn
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
How about,

"Peter Potter's better Potter painted pots."

My mother was a ceramist and teacher of the same so my fingers are still green. :D

My last name is Potter BTW!

Best, Whitemorn :)
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14
Review of Thought-Provoking  
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Maranda,

Found your poem on the "please review" page, so I am.

I read many items that I never review because I'm very picky and don't want to step on anyone's blue suede shoes, so If I'm reviewing your work it's because I think it has quality.

This is a fine poem indeed. The text body has a very good flow for a free verse writ, which is ignored by so many writers of this style. Most of the time, I label them as prose, (without the flow).

Your metaphor's reveal an individual who is torn between two worlds, the first being the moon ... (female, associated with the water element which reflects the light of the male Sun). Your character is attracted to that, yet eventually is pulled back by the shadow world of fears, self doubts and pseudo realities. The "frigid feet" indicate an unwillingness to adventure toward the moonlight. ("cold feet").

The "subtle call" added a nice tinge of ingenuity to the poem which to me made me feel as if your character was drawn back to the shadows perhaps "subconsciously", as we often are.

The only thing that I felt could be improved on is the title ... does it have a hook? (YES),
but it lacks the charm of the poem ... as if someone else wrote the title. That said I think something more like "Desperate Attraction" might fit a little better, or simply "Thought Provoking".

Thanks for a splendid read, Whitemorn :)


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Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Well, I wasn't expecting daisies and popcorn and I was right. If I hadn't already seen something so similar acted out on SNL, I probably would have had more appreciation for this item.

It had the irreverence for life like the first "Death Race 2000" movie had. It takes a special type of person to appreciate satirical horror. I'm sure reincarnationists would have less resistance to this sort of humor than Roman Catholics would.

My daughter always refered to the show as the "Wheel of Torture" BTW. :D

I'm dropping one star only because I think it lacks some of the originality that I'm used to from your items, but I'm offering four stars for your consistent good use of grammar and quality of content.

Rock on Angus ;)
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Review of NOT ENOUGH  
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Angus,

Saw your item in the newsfeed pages.

I wasn't expecting this yet was pleasantly surprised.

I have 9 years on you but had a totally different experience growing up. My dad was a minister in the seventies and served at a little country church in a town of about 1,000 people. One afternoon he was leading a small bible study when a strange man with a long knife came in and sat down in the circle of chairs. Somehow, he was able to distract the man and convinced him quite skillfully to leave. That was in 1977. In 1972, I was beaten up and knocked out by gangs on two different occasions while on my way to high school in broad daylight just outside of Chicago.

In 1966 at the age of ten, an off duty police officer grabbed me and started holding me under the water dozens of times at our public swimming pool, leaving me quite traumatized. So for me life has only been like "Leave it to Beaver" in short segments. I think the song has always been relevant for me and the world, the message more important, depending on where you lived in the 60's and 70's.

Your title is perfect for this item.

The only thing you might want to change would be regarding the song, as it was offered to Dionne but she turned it down. Jackie Deshannon sang it in 65. (My first wife was a Burt Bacharach fanatic). Hee hee! Here is the reference:
http://www.songfacts.com/detail.php?id=3820

Best regards, Whitemorn
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17
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Angus,

Found this item in your port. so here goes ..

I enjoyed this story. What I really liked was how you totally hid any suspicion from the readers till Kevin was missing after his sleep in the cabin.

I think that Jake holding the head was a good method for horror, yet, were the story real, I think he would have buried the head to cover up any evidence, IE.. dental records etc.. and packed an arm or leg in for the meal, as the head has little 'meat' on it. That would also possibly add a little more terror to the writ, leaving the reader to question if Jake severed the arm or leg while Kevin was still conscious, leaving him to bleed out in agony.

Everything else in the story was very well written ... yer mountain man slang, spot on, and the title which tells it all.

Bravo! WM :)
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18
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello J.R.Kane, I am offering my review of this item found on the "please review" page.

This was a very well written short story (in every way). It was quite human, having molded your character well.

The title is wonderful, yet the image of the spider gave the story away, (the only thing I didn't like about the project). ;)

Your use of adjectives was right on ... not overused as some writers do which often serves as a distraction to their readers.

The paragraphical structure is nice within the writ and I found no grammatical errors.

My favorite part:

"That was when it sprung.

A scream escaped her, then, shrill and blood-chilling. The disgusting thing landed on her right shoulder and bit. She screamed again and batted it away with one badly shaking hand. It landed on the shower floor with a chitinous rattle and scampered for the other side of the small, enclosed space.

Hyperventilating and crying, Andrea tried her best to press her naked flesh through the pores of the linoleum tiles. A sickly, unnatural heat radiated outward from where the monster had bitten her. The space inside the shower seemed to darken a shade, and suddenly her head and limbs felt heavy...incredibly, impossibly heavy...

Before she could register the horrific implications of this new development, her legs wobbled once, and then buckled at the knees. She felt her back sliding (and, in those places where the linoleum was still dry, dragging) down the wall. She landed on her tailbone with a wet thud that sent electric jolts of pain out into her extremities.

Through watering eyes, she saw the spider watching her. It crept forward."


This story reminded me of my friend Angus's work. That's a compliment because I feel that Angus is one of the best short horror writers at this site, or anywhere.

I will certainly keep my eyes out for your future and past items J.R.

Best regards, Whitemorn
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19
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Cissy,

Awe..Such a sweet poem. Any man would love to hear such heartfelt, (song like) words from a woman. So pure and touching. Simply splendid in every way!

My favorite part:

"My heart tells me what I feel,
my mind tells me this is real,
my thoughts are consumed by you,
my love is true, will you love me too?"

Very Very Nice! *ThumbsUpR*
20
20
Review by Whitemorn
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
If anyone suffers from Rheumatoid Arthritis, I now have mine totally under control by drinking calcium bentonite clay water twice a week, or more if I'm working a bunch.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_lhVbFFaYs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_jWuyGQuFA

This stuff will be a regular part of my diet forever. I had arthritis so bad, that I had to climb up stairs one step at a time. One week of using the clay every day totally reversed the symptoms and removed 100% of the pain, so now I can jump around on the river rocks like I did as a teen. Just don't make the mistake of buying "sodium bentonite clay powder" get the "calcium based powder". Questions, JUST ASK. ;) PS, I don't sell it.
21
21
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Angus,

This item was pretty amusing. I enjoyed the sarcastic banter and the way you approached the death bringer with such disregard. It sort of reminded me of a scene from "Beetlejuice".

The dialog was captivating as your writs are usually. Dialog items are fun to write. My best is probably "I Need to Get Ahead", which is somewhat like this one.

Rock on! ;)
22
22
Review by Whitemorn
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi D.

I enjoyed this well written story. Everything about it was good ... the title: EXCELLENT, the text body and separations were splendid.

The only thing I saw that would improve this was the use of the word "that" (Paragraph 7, line 3:

"around the crow's leg that anyone would notice (that) belonged to her except her own hair. So she pulled out a handful of hair from"

Anyway, thanks for sharing! :)
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23
Review of Moon Shadow  
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello D. Here are my thoughts on this item;

The title is good for this.

Interesting methodology used here with so many O ending rhymes. I have heard this sort of style in the 50's beatnik poetry.

This is my opinion so take or leave.. ;) Since you already establish that the story is about your character, telling a dialog of personal events, you need not use "I" so many times. I think the poem would be more powerful without them. Also, you changed from present tense, to past tense, then back to present, so I'll offer this rendition removing some I's and repairing the tense aspect.

"Getting ready to see a show,
the night became all a glow.

I grabbed my house keys,
and a bottle of Jose' Cuervo.

It is in the middle of a large meadow,
just passed a beautiful Chateau.

Stopped into a store,
to buy tickets for the lotto.

Figured to better my chances,
bought a hundred dollar combo.

Before approaching the grounds,
I was trapped in a field of dandling willow.

The vines wrapped around,
my head, hands and torso.

I stood motionless, entangled,
caught from my big toe up to my elbow.

When suddenly I heard,
a faint whisper saying 'Hello'.

I looked around, but
saw not a single soul.

I felt scared as though,
I was followed by a Moon Shadow".

If you want for the tense to be present you might;

"I'm Getting ready to see a show,
the night becoming all a glow.

I'll grab my house keys,
and Jose' Cuervo.

It's in the middle of a large meadow,
just passed a beautiful Chateau.

I'll stop into a store,
to buy tickets for the lotto.

I figure to better my chances,
buying a hundred dollar combo.

Before approaching the grounds,
I'm trapped in a field of dandling willow.

The vines are wrapped around,
my head, hands and torso.

Now standing motionless, entangled,
caught from my big toe up to my elbow.

When suddenly I hear,
a faint whisper saying 'Hello'.

I look around, but I
see not a single soul.

I feel scared as though,
I'm being followed by a Moon Shadow".
*************************************

So there are two ways to approach this... The past tense "tells" the reader what happened, while the present tense "shows" the reader what is happening. In a suspense item, the present tense carries a bigger impact, since the reader is experiencing the events with the character. If you use the past tense, then there is already some sense of relief for the reader who already knows that the character survived to tell the story. When I wrote some of my first items, I had writers telling me not to tell my stories, but show them instead and it's still something that I'm working on.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents. I do like the story itself however and the fact that the end is not revealed makes it a "cliff hanger". (Nice).
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24
Review of I Am...  
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings Warrior friend,

Saw that you had this item in the "spiritual" news letter so I took a glance. ;)

You have filleted yourself pretty well with this item. Now that your insides have been placed on display most folks would probably congratulate who you are, myself included, since I am not far from your equal. Although, I do wage wars ... wars against ignorance and hate, irresponsibility and if needed, physical war upon those who target the innocent.

I must admit that I did not get the first line of the third stanza:
"I am a sharp guinea pig among others!"

My favorite line is: "I am the tip-toer towards the close-minded." As if to sneak up on them to strike them with a deeper truth. :) In fact, I probably would have made the title "The Tip-tower" just because it's such an excellent hook. ;)

So thanks for spilling your guts. ;D
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Review of Halloween Horror  
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello again River. Here's my review ...

Great title. ;)

The dichotomy of proper decor during Halloween has been quite controversial over the last several decades. What is appropriate for some may not be for others. The world is better if all forms of expression are allowed by law, yet as a society, we must be self policing when it comes to offending others. The placement and timing of horrible Halloween scenes should be done responsibly, yet in a world of humanity that is hard to achieve. We have a family that puts up a "zombie" nativity scene every Christmas, including a zombie baby Jesus. :O
The public protested to the extent that the officials made the originator remove the nativity, which was reconstructed soon after since it violated the US laws of freedom of expression (speech) and artistic license. This example reveals my point about self responsibility when it comes to holiday decency.

It's sad that this is a non fictional piece. You could say that this poor woman was "on the fence" about celebrating Halloween. (Sorry, I couldn't resist). ;)

When I was about 10, a girl from our neighborhood went missing near Halloween. After searching for a week or two, the authorities found her buried under two white boards in the form of an X in an abandoned lot. I remember walking by her home with a friend and commenting about the incident ... "that's the house where the dead girl lived". It was rather eerie at the time, especially since they had not found her killer.

The only thing that I would have liked to see in this item is more information about the gal on the fence. The omission of that info makes this story feel a little incomplete, yet I must say that it was an enjoyable read none the less.

Much could be added to this item, which though not necessary, might make it more demanding of your reader's consideration. Topics like razor blades in candy etc.. More information about inappropriate activities in the history of the Holiday.

It Has become a trend in the US for the horror of Halloween to be contained in specific venues such as theme parks. I attended one last year. It's a huge place with many terrifying haunted houses, factories, insane asylums, redneck tailor parks and other scary places. It was great fun, LOL! It's open from mid September through Nov.7th.

That's my 2 bits! ;D
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