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26
26
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Sewcrazy,

I enjoyed this little work of art. It's simple, yet powerful at the same time because it accentuates the intimacy that we all have with inanimate objects.

I know that I have pillow issues, LOL! I have to sleep with two pillows, but not just any ... MINE! :)

Short works like this are wonderful. They are like when you're in a field full of flowers but you take a moment to focus on the beauty and attributes of just one.

My only criticism is that you left me with no explanation of why you wrote this for your Mom? Are you speaking as the pillow to her? That's the only idea that comes to mind. Perhaps a little note below the poem would be appropriate.

I woke up early this morning and wiggled into this sweet little piece (yawning) It will prompt me to consider my pillows when I re-crash in an hour. (wink).

Best regards, WM :)
27
27
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really enjoyed this little writ! It's so full of the innocence of youth that forces your readers to take themselves back to those early years of life.

My last memories of strawberry picking were with my wife and daughter helping out in a public field. My daughter ate as many as she picked ... perhaps more! My wife made the most delicious strawberry, raspberry freezer jam with them.

Guess what I had for lunch? A peanut butter and strawberry preserve sandwich. What would we ever do without them. ;)

I found no errors in this item, but I didn't really get the full meaning of the first line:
“Hello, my name is Sunshine.” "What is yours? " ... “I like that name...!" I supposed that the (...) inserts were meant as fillers for unwritten dialog?

What I especially enjoyed was:
(Nanny got me ready and cleaned up for bedtime. I told her that, "I had the most

wonderful tasty day ever. Can we do it again next year?" I asked.

She and Poppy tucked me into bed with hugs and kisses as always.

I said, “I can’t wait until next strawberry season.” Nanny kissed my forehead and said.

“Sweet strawberry dreams my little Sunshine.”) BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT LIFE'S ALL ABOUT! ;)

Finally, did you know that the best way to core and de-stem a strawberry is to push a drinking straw through it from the bottom up? It makes the process so very fast!

Write on! Whitemorn :)
28
28
Review of NYC  
Review by Whitemorn
Rated: E | (4.5)
I hear reflections of Mr. Armstrong's popular song in this story.

It is a splendid thing when love transforms a place of chaos into a paradise. Rather how one experiences the aspects of an effective Zen meditation.

I have been to many of the largest cities in the U.S. but I have yet to visit NYC which is about a 30 hour drive from my home near Cincinnati, so I shall need sprout wings and fly there someday. ;D

I enjoyed your tale. ;)

Welcome to WDC! I hope you have a bloody good ride! :D
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29
Review of Caterpillar Hero  
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Michelle.

I was wondering through your portfolio and I tripped over this little caterpillar ditty.

The title lunged at me like a hungry Sumo wrestler, especially since I am an avid nature lover who appreciates these wormy beasts, be it woolly or naked. ;D

I am familiar with the species you are writing about ... so named the "Woolly Bear" which turns into the "Isabella tiger moth" a splendid creature indeed!
http://www.butterfliesandmoths.org/species/Pyrrhar...

They certainly are clingy little buggers, much like my cat only far less painful. ;)

The text body describes the event of an interaction between yourself (the savior) and the fuzzy wuzzy intermediate life form. A good story for the kiddies, as I'm sure most of them will come across them at some time in their lives. It was perfect to inform the readers of the incompatibility of a bike tire and a woolly bear which I'm sad to say I learned the "HARD WAY" :( Yet, I have satisfied my carma bank by saving many a woolly as well as worms, snails and any other creature retarded enough to sunbathe in the middle of the road, path or sidewalk.

If I were to chide you for anything, it might be that I'm not sure which tense you are in because most of the prose is [present tense] except for the front of the 5th line: "But once they were (are) on me, they don’t want to leave." That is the only correction that I could offer.

Final thoughts: You have proven that real events can be just as entertaining as fantasy or fiction. This would be a good start for a series of similar activities that children might experience, like wearing mama's hat, etc......

Good work savior Michelle. ;)
30
30
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A cute story from the viewpoint of the rescued pets.*Delight*

It is a heart wrenching thing for me to visit an animal shelter. I just feel so much compassion for the animals. Almost all of my pets were rescued animals or adopted from friends who couldn't keep them. *RollEyes*

Your story might make someone want to take a trip to the pound. My own Woof and Maio would like that! *Dog2* *Cat2*

Merry Christmas! Whitemorn *XMasTree* *StockingR*
31
31
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow ... If this is a true story ... that had to be an awful period in your life.

It seems that tragedy is a familiar companion to many of the writers here, as I have read several, similar accounts. Writing about such an event is a healthy way of dealing with the pain.

Now to the review...

"The Year Thanksgiving Came Early", is a fine title for this story. It makes the reader ask "why early"? and hooks them into reading further.

Your presentation throughout the text body is splendid. I found nothing confusing or awkward in the wordage, or flow of the story. You followed the rules of the writing game ie: the who, what, where, when, and why, needed for a smooth read delivery.

Although I am not used to reading items with so many dashes used in place of commas, I felt that they worked well as the long pauses they represent. It made parts of the story feel dreamlike, similar to when you are having an accident and time slows down during the event. That style is very effective and valuable. I use the ... as my long pause device, mostly because I'm too lazy to work my way up to the dash key, LOL! :D

I found no errors in the story.

Final thoughts:

You did an excellent job of taking the reader through every stage of the story ... sharing some of your emotional feelings, then after having gone through the loss, you bounce back at the end with a thankful attitude and strength of spirit that encourages all of your readers that they may be able to "ride the storms out" in their lives as well.

If I were going to change or add anything, it probably would be to describe your husband for the readers in the second paragraph, and to mention a few of the alternative therapies that you tried, to combat the illness in the eighth paragraph.

Wonderful work. Bravo. ;)

Warm regards, Whitemorn :)

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32
Review of Quick-Draw Woody  
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Sharon, I was stumbling through your port and this one poked me in the eye, so I had to read it. ;)

Your story is well written and held my interest throughout. Personally, I enjoy true stories about idiotic behavior and this one didn't disappoint.

I had to chuckle at the thought that the teenager Woody, shot himself in the "limb." LOL Do you get the humor? Woody / limb. :D

The title did not draw my interest ... it was your description. Perhaps if it were called "Quick Draw Woody", I would have latched on simply from the title.

I met a teen at a summer camp who had a horrible scar on his leg from a gun shot wound, so I can relate a little to this tale.

I am a gun supporter myself, but I have to draw the line at anything holding over 10 rounds and machine guns etc... Just for hunting and personal protection. I have only known two people who owned machine guns ... both had serious mental health issues. One, I know committed suicide and the other man I lost track of years ago.

Any way, thanks for the story ... Whitemorn :)
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33
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A very nice poem and tribute to your mother.

A poem with 5 quatrains possessing a uniform syllabic count, with a smooth delivery.

If I were to change anything about this poem it would be the title. Why? Because you are already telling your prospective readers what the item is about. If you want to pull in more readers, you could spike their curiosity by using the last line as the title: "Don't fret, it won't be long."

I'm not sure if it is appropriate to omit the quotation marks from the last two quatrains or not, but I would add them in. Other than that, I found nothing amiss.

My mother is 87 and will probably not last much longer. She has already survived more than 4 near death events and has a weak heart. The only thing keeping her going is her boyfriend, (across the hall), in the retirement center where she lives. LOL. :D

Carry on with more of your fine work. ;)

Warm regards, Whitemorn :)
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Review of Stained Hope  
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a very moving poem Alexi.

I enjoyed the style of this work which I would define as "coffee house poetry". Why? Because the first two stanzas are somewhat symmetrical in syllabic cadence and rhyming scheme, then you changed that up and wavered from the pattern, which I think was appropriate due to the content. It's so true that in times of struggle, the organized patterns of human thought and reason "fall apart" to some extent.

The title is instantly thought provoking and fits the poem excellently.

My favorite lines are: "Life is all askew more than I could chew"
"Now life unfolds in fright and this detention"
"Poverty won"

I think if I were to make any suggestions for improvement it would be to rotate the first two words of the third line:

"Now not so new a smudge of black and blue" (to): Not now so new a smudge of black and blue. Why? because my brain stumbled on "Now not", trying to hear (Not now), because I'm brainwashed to hear it that way. Just my observation, but in your neck of the woods it may be the opposite.

Final thoughts: It seems that life on this planet is all about getting into sticky situations that we have to come up with solutions for. This poem is a great example of that truth. ;)

Thanks for the item Alexi ... Write on! :) Whitemorn
35
35
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I am honored to be chosen to review this poem, "A Marriage Continues".

My reviews are simply my honest opinions of a persons work, and are based on my own preferences and education of literature to this date.

First impressions: This poem tells a relationship story with a spiritual emphasis. The couple, having built a wall between each other, somehow find a way to rekindle the spark of love that saves their marriage. It is an attitude which has changed gears in our modern age, since more people are living as single wage earners these days, while keeping the idea of marriage at bay.

I will post my suggestions in parentheses, within the text of your item. Most of them will have to do with the correction of the syllabic count.

"We each were culpable in our marriage mess,
yet, blindsided, I heard him disclose and confess (comma) (It is a tradition of classic poetry to capitalize the first word of every line in a poem)
he'd found someone else and planned to leave (I would add a syllable for a better cadence here IE: "else, was planning to leave") drop "and"
my every action and word then pled for a reprieve. ("My every action then pled for reprieve") Maintaining the syllabic count as above, and cadence.

I sought aid and wise counsel, 'ere we'd perish, ("aid from wise council" because the over use of the word "and" is typically avoided).
for we had sadly forgotten each other to cherish. ("For we'd sadly forgotten..." omitting a syllable to make the quadrant flow better)
Our partnership lacked a foundation of trust, ("the instead of a" would be my choice).
and openness, too, we learned is a must. ("we both learned, is a must") Adding "both" fixes the syllabic count with the line above.

Brick by brick walls were torn down as we learned to forgive, (This line has an awkward syllabic count because it's too long) Remove "brick by brick"?
the honesty and willingness allowed our marriage to live. ("the honesty granting our marriage to live").
We lived through repentance after heart-wrenching grief, ("We lived to repent, after heart-wrenching grief,").
and, slowly, in healing, we found ("our") relief.

Though several years have passed, we do not dare ("Now several years later, we both will not dare").
now to neglect lifting each other in fervent prayer. ("To neglect each other in fervent prayer").
Into each other's eyes, full face to face, (I don't believe the apostrophe is needed in "others").
we gaze and rejoice ... in God's endless Grace." (The three dots become a silent syllable in the form of a pause smoothing out the rhythm).

With all of the suggestions, the poem would look like this:

We each were culpable in our marriage mess,
Yet, blindsided, I heard him disclose and confess,
He'd found someone else, was planning to leave,
My every action then pled for reprieve.

I sought aid from wise counsel, 'ere we'd perish,
For we'd sadly forgotten, each other to cherish.
Our partnership lacked the foundation of trust,
And openness, too, we both learned is a must.

Walls were torn down, as we learned to forgive,
The honesty and granting our marriage to live.
We lived to repent, after heart-wrenching grief,
And, slowly, in healing, we found our relief.

Now several years later, we both will not dare,
To neglect each other in fervent prayer.
Into each others eyes, full face to face,
We gaze and rejoice ... in God's endless Grace.

If you notice how the quadrants are more even with the changes, it's a clue that the syllabic count is more precise. In classical poetry, it's important to maintain that balance, even though there are words that you wish you could add in. I prefer 11 as the syllabic count, because I can adjust some lines to have 10 or 12. It's more difficult to write classical poetry with less, and they can end up sounding like a limerick.

I would have titled the poem "A Marriage Survives", just to give it a little more of a dramatic effect.

You're definitely on the right track. I'm in favor of trying to keep marriage vows in tact, so I appreciated the fact that you brought the idea to light.

Again ... no offense was intended in this review. Like or dislike my suggestions as you please.

Warm regards, Whitemorn :) Thank you for your gift!!!

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36
Review of Unbreakable  
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This actually describes my wife pretty well. Everything is more important than I am. Superficial things that mean nothing in the grand scheme of life.

She wonders why I am not so affectionate when she's being cruel to me like a wicked stepmother. As you stated, someday she will have to reap what she has sewn.

I write classic rhyming poetry that demands an ordered syllabic count. This is a bit different. I have read this type of poetry, but I can't really have an astute opinion of it because I have not been educated in it. I do know that if you use punctuation, IE: question marks, you should punctuate every line with a period, or whatever is appropriate.

The title is a good one for this item!

You had a good method of expressing yourself in the poem. I can't say that I enjoyed it, but I certainly respect and relate to it.

Welcome to WDC. I hope you have an enjoyable ride with us and learn from so many of the great writers here.

Best regards, Whitemorn :)
37
37
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Parthena. I decided to pop in an d have a look at what you've been up to.

Your story reminds us of our own journeys, at least it did for me.

Many of us have had a rough go of it. Life seems to be an endless quagmire of cornering ourselves into a position where we have to find a solution ... a way to pull ourselves out.

After reading and sharing so many true stories with people here, it seems that most of us live like we are lost to a degree. It is a rare thing for peoples dreams to become a reality, and often, when they do, they find the dream is not anything like they envisioned it would be. I often wonder about the Hindu teachings to "remove the personal you from your opinions of yourself, and look at your life with no emotion, as an observer." Jesus taught to be "in the world, not of the world", which to me is another way of explaining the neutral self attitude that the Hindus teach.

The good thing is, that you are trying, and that you have all of the tools needed to win in your efforts. You have peers and Googlish abilities to help you through your journey.

It's a good day! Eat the elephant one bite at a time. That's all any successful person ever did. Am I right or am I right? Write.

Before I became a DJ, I had never sung karaoke. I purchased my equipment for a few thousand dollars, and gathered some 250,000 songs. Then I sat staring at the stuff for two years until I went to a party at a friends house and actually sang. Soon after I went to a new club in town where I nervously inquired about the possibility of being a DJ for them and just like that, my posters were all over town. A year after that, I was seasoned enough to have clubs all over the area asking me to host New Years Eve parties etc...

A good friend told me once: "If you don't know what you're doing ... fake it". That's pretty good advice as long as your not working with explosives!!

It looks to me like you know what you're doing, but when unsure, go ahead and fake it.

Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain) was criticized for his early work. Some of it was even banned from schools and libraries. He just kept on slugging it out until the time came when he was considered to be a master of the pen.

He was no greater than any writer with talent, so spread your wings and FLY! :)

Nice title. I noticed no technical errors. Nice work! :)
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38
Review of The Fun House  
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Tom.

I looked at this piece a day ago and passed over it because of its length, since I have some time restraints, but because I have fond memories of being at the San Francisco fun house on the boardwalk near the ocean, I decided to read your story.

I was glad to have taken the time to read it, since you did a marvelous job of weaving images into the story, which rolled along nicely, reminding me of the old Nancy Drew mystery series of books.

It's obvious that you have your writing skills honed, as this piece exemplified your talent.

You did a fine job of establishing the characters and coloring the "un house" with allot of frightening images.

Technically, I didn't find any errors. I felt you did a nice job with the structure of the story and I like the font size.

The Clown image at the top was perfect for the story.

That's it...Bravo!

Best regards, Whitemorn :)
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Review of Autumn's Ceremony  
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Such wonderful imagery is painted in this poem. It reminds me of the movie "Legend" staring Tom Cruise that came out in 1985. If you haven't seen it I think you would love it although it has some very dark and dramatic moments.

Thank you for the new word, "houri". I had not heard it used before and I like it.

You are so talented and spiritual with your writing:
"There stood an imaginary, invisible houri fairy
A bride under a maple tree
Dressed in prism-hued layers
of chifon in ethereal shimmers"

I love it.

What I might change would be: "An autumn's ritual
draped in nature's pretty confetti!" (Because that line felt a bit disconnected as):

An autumn's ritual
and as nature's pretty confetti!

You could take some of the short lines and make longer sentences out of them to improve the structure a bit like:

There stood an imaginary, invisible houri fairy
a bride under a maple tree,
dressed in prism-hued layers of chiffon (chiffon was spelled wrong)
in ethereal shimmers and delicate gossamer.

She, having her weeny wedding in the fall
and fairy folk bustled about all round her
as flimsy and flighty as they could be
while red-gold leaves fell down upon her
in ceremonial nuptial ... an autumn's ritual
draped in nature's pretty confetti!

Branches denuded, yet autumn's august
for the wilting's ravishing! (wilting's) isn't a proper word, but I liked it anyway.
The willowy fairy almost drowned
in gorgeous fallen maple leaves<br> (does <br> mean brown? If so "of brown" would be better to use.
playing hide 'n'seek with a brownie groom
camouflaged in the heap.

Do you see how I blocked it more evenly.

I really enjoy reading your work as it's very refreshingly creative!

Write on! :)
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40
Review of To be alive  
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Alright, I have taken some time to read your prose and will now review it as requested.

Again, welcome to WDC. My first impression after reading this item is that you have some genuine talent as a writer. As you continue writing here, you will be able to polish your work a great deal as I have.

Title: "TO BE ALIVE" It's an appropriate title for the main body, however, there are more dynamic phrases in the text body that could be used instead. A great title makes the perspective reader curious. It makes them ask a question in their mind that pulls them in to read. You might use something else like: "Frozen Cold Heart" or "Taste the raindrop" for instance, but "To Be Alive" is still nice.

Text body:

I'm only addressing the technical aspect in this section.

You break up several lines that you don't need to, which obstructs the flow of your prose, ie:

"To be alive isn't just to be alive and kicking
feeling your legs and limbs." Would be better as:

"To be alive isn't just to be alive and kicking feeling your legs and limbs."
(then): To be alive is to
percieve the sights and sounds (better as): "To be alive is to percieve the sights and sounds" (Perceive) is misspelled by the way.

Each time that the reader has to start a new line is like driving over a speed bump ... a little jolt in the mind.

I was wondering if you meant this line to have a little humor? : "coz we ain't born coldblooded." if not, it doesn't fit in with the rest of the material because you don't use slang anywhere else, so: "because we aren't born coldblooded" would be more appropriate.

Here is how I would structure this item:

To be alive isn't just to be alive and kicking feeling your legs and limbs.
To be alive is to perceive the sights and sounds that those who have kicked the bucket can't appreciate.
To be alive is to thaw the frozen cold heart with the warmth of feeling because we aren't born coldblooded.
Alive is the sense of hearing that hearkens not just the violin but the songbird's birdsong.
To see not just the obvious, the apparent but as well to see with the eyes of wisdom.
To feel not just your skin ... but employ the sense of touch ... to feel petals and other (creatures) critters.
To be alive isn't to smell your own breath and sweat, but to inhale all the distinct fragrances of nature.
And to taste not merely of the artificial flavors of fizzy pale poison refined sugar's soda but to cup your hands to taste the raindrop!
Do I in anyway imply by this that those born blind, deaf or dumb are less alive?
Never! For I've seen the blind appreciate divinely created nature far more than the seeing.
For the blind every sound is precious, for every voice they are grateful, (comma) and every touch has meaning.
Be alive with all your God given senses.
Don't wait to be deprived of even one, to appreciate them, for senses like limbs, freeze when they're not in usage.
God created this world for our toil and so we appreciate life and we deserve the next one in heaven. (It's my opinion of course).

Subject: What a great and inspiring topic spoken from a spiritual soul and heart. Your style brings out the flavors of appreciating life and your examples are excellent. I really enjoyed reading this item. :) What I enjoyed the most was:

"Alive is
the sense of hearing
that hearkens not just the violin
but the songbird's birdsong." (and):

"To be alive isn't to smell your own breath and sweat
but to inhale all the distinct fragrances of nature."

My intention in my reviews are to assist others in becoming better writers. I hope my comments don't come across as condescending, rather constructive.

Warmest regards, Whitemorn (Ron) :)
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Review of Saved By A Bug  
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Howdy Connieann. Since you offered me such a nice review, I thought I would take a peek at one of your shorts and this caught my eye. I guess I have "bugs" on the brain this week. LOL.

This was a very enjoyable little story. I couldn't stop reading it ... a sign of your success as a writer here. ;)

Having ridden in a "Bug" I was able to identify well with the adventure, including the gutless performance they provide.

I worked in a very large steel factory near Chicago and it was my job to take care of 3 cars, all owned by upper management...BIG BOSSES. I washed dried and waxed them, sometimes twice a day if it rained when they drove them for lunch. I was asked to take one somewhere for some reason which I can't remember now but I do remember that it was a Porsche and that I barely had a clue on how to drive it, as it was a stick as well. I suppose the owner probably had to have a clutch replaced after I'd had my way with it. Ha ha. :D

I am pretty critical when I read someones work, but I found nothing that I would change in this item which was well structured and easy to absorb.

I look forward to reading more from you as time allows. Thank you for the entertainment!

Warm regards, Whitemorn :)
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Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
That's very interesting. I guess, I never really focused on those lines when my friend and I recited the plays in high school.

Shakespeare was a great writer because of his attention to detail and observations of how the world operated, and although the language he wrote in is of past, the topics are still quite relevant today.

I will enjoy part 2 when completed (I'm sure). *Wink*

You chose a nice theme to write on ... good thinking! Whitemorn *Smile*
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Review of Dear Me  
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Drifter..
I'm back..Ha Ha..

So the title of your writ was of interest to me because I thought, "what would a pastor want to change about themselves? What resolution would my Drifting Reverend friend desire to make?" So that's a nice draw for me at least.

As a Pastors son, I myself was forced to drift around the country numerous times. I often heard my dad say that he felt "called" to the ministry and I sort of thought.."doesn't he mean he felt drawn to the ministry?" I must admit to this day I have a little difficulty with the term "called". Did God open a window in Heaven and gesture with an index finger at him saying..."you're supposed to do this Ken?" Then there were all of those moves where dad would say "I think God is leading me to pastor that church." Then after a year or two, difficulties arise because the congregation didn't like his stance on some doctrine. I think we all need to be careful not to place God as a life coach dressed in a sort of Santa suit with a magic wand.

I must warn you that seeing things from my perspective has made me somewhat of a Deist. I believe that God created the world in love and then rested on the seventh day (symbolically) According to Jesus (Yeshua Ben Joseph), "God sees every sparrow that falls", yet He does nothing to prevent it...so why should God "call" anyone? I have no clue... but I do believe in the trinity and salvation, (rebirth by the Holy Spirit) and I know what it feels like. So what does this mean to me when I pray? It means that God hears it and submits a work order to someone in the Angelic hierarchy to investigate the issue..;D

Anyway, you have really opened yourself up in this article and it's wonderful to see your humility played out in your story. The "Me" effect was entertaining. I imagine that your profession may make you think a little seriously about your self just as I did when I was a music minister years ago. That's a tough spot to be in. Now that I live in a new town where nobody knows me, I feel so much more freedom to just be me.

If you decide to move to Kansas at least they can't tell you "you're not in Kansas anymore." LOL!

I didn't find any errors in this item. Best regards, Whitemorn :)

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44
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Drifter. You have been kind enough to review many of my items and I have sadly fallen off the horse when it comes to reviewing your work..so..

This was a really wonderful story. You brought back memories of my joy of childhood treasure hunting. I worked in a hospital as a custodian and also in maintenance so I know how this event played out. My Father, being a pastor served at many funerals and memorial services so I am very much in touch with that event also. OK...here you go..

The Title: "Treasure Hunting" is a good title, yet common. I think you could use something like "Treasure in His Pockets" to attract more readers by incorporating more mystery. It simply forces the prospective reader to question.."what's in his pockets that could be treasure?"

Text Body: The whole story had good flow and fine use of description. You used the "WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, and WHY" format very well.
The story was factual, meaning that you used very few metaphors to embellish the story, which isn't wrong by any means. "Junk collector" is the only one that stood out, without re-reading the story.

Things to consider: At the end of the second paragraph, you tell the story of being involved with the boy who had been shot. Then you start with a completely different event without really tying in the previous event to it. You might want to add a sentence onto the end of the second paragraph like: "that's the sort of event that keeps me alert as a Chaplain, and this day was very much like that."
I hope I'm explaining myself properly. Anyway, that's why I said the flow was good but not excellent and cost a bit off my overall rating.

Punctuation: You did very well in this area except for missing one comma in this line...
"As a young thirty year old man(comma) I headed out on my hospital rounds." Forgive me if I'm mistaken, but I would use one in this case.

So that about does it...All are my opinions of course and up to you to decide if you like or not. It's a pleasure to have read and reviewed your story.

Warm regards, Whitemorn :)
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Review by Whitemorn
Rated: E | (3.0)
OK, I am going to review your poem. I like the overall premise of your poem. An adventure of deceit.

The title is very good since it draws the reader in.

You are missing some important aspects in classical rhyming poetry, that I am happy to mention for your education. None of my suggestions are meant to offend you in any way, so I hope that you will take them constructively. ;)

When you are structuring this type of poetry, all of your stanzas should have the same number of lines, like you had in the first two quatrains (4 line stanzas). In a quatrain you have the choice of rhyming the first two lines and the last two lines (as you did in the first two stanzas), or you can rhyme the first and third, and second and fourth lines. Also, in classical rhyming poetry, you should have a rhythmic syllable count.. Let's look at your poems first four lines..
The Witches cursed and left us for dead. (eight syllables) Also...Who is us? You need to let the reader know who us is...perhaps
it's a girl scout group or a club, and you should put how many of you there are for the witches to take.
Into the woods we did then fled (also eight syllables)
Each night they took one away ( seven sylls.)
Fooling ourselves they'd be another day (ten sylls.)

You need to bring more uniformity to the syllabic count.. I'll give you an example by re-writing the same 4 lines"

Three Witches cursed us, and left us for dead. (ten syllables)
Into the woods, we'd decidedly fled (ten syllables)
Each night they captured one, took them away (ten syllables)
Fooling ourselves that we'd have one more day (ten syllables) So every line has ten syllables. I also gave the witches a number, but you could make it any one syllable number, like five, nine, or ten. When you can give the reader more details, you make your poem more believable.

After the first two stanzas you have 4 stanzas with 9 lines, which means that one of the lines becomes odd and has no line to rhyme with it.

My suggestion is to turn this poem into a prose piece, Prose is like poetry, but you don't have to make the lines rhyme, or have the same syllabic count. Prose is like using words artistically. Here is an example..

She walked like a phantom restless, and free
Her rags twirled around as she danced
Everyone watched, as I tried in vain to catch her
My stony fingers were helpless

Some people call prose "free verse poetry", which is fine. You might have noticed that I have capitalized the beginning of every line, which is another method applied to poetry and prose.

I have some advice which might be helpful.. Try writing a few short classical rhyming poems with only 3 stanzas, each having four lines. (A quatrain). It's easiest to create poetry with 9 to 12 syllables per line, but you never want to wander from the count very much. If the first line has 9 syllables, then the second line should too. The third line may have 10, but the fourth should have ten also in that case.
You never want to have more than two different syllable counts in any line of a poem.. I mean that if you have used 9 and 10, you should not use 11 or 12 in the same poem, because it ruins the cadence or rhythm of the poem, which should be almost like the lyrics of a song.
I like to use 11 and 12 syllables usually, since you can fit more information into the line, and make the syllable count work.
There is one rule that can give you a loophole with the syllable rule and that is, You can use 3 dots(...) as a pause that represents a syllable without there actually being one, but that should be a last resort. ;)

Do you know about rhymezone.com ? It's a great website for finding words that rhyme.

So write me a 3 stanza poem with my instruction in mind and send it to me for review. Classical poetry is not easy and takes time to master. It took me years of practice to do what I do.

I hope all this was helpful! Whitemorn (Ron) :)
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Review of Halloween  
Review by Whitemorn
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
OK, I could tell you how to improve your already good poem...or I can show you how: ;) My opinion of course ... You have many wonderful lines, but the smooth delivery of the syllabic count is missing in a few places. ;) I have rewritten the poem to demonstrate a better cadence to the rhythm. ;)

Please don't take offense.. I don't review many items unless I think they are worthy. ;) Best regards, Whitemorn :)

Cookies and candy oh so sweet
Ghost and goblins prowl on the street
Begging for candy they need more
Sneeking up the sidewalk to knock on the door.

Walking around this spooky town in the night
Listening to all the sounds of fright
Laughter and tired cries do ring out
Parents saying no while their children pout

Tired they all my seem
Hurry home its time to dream
Tuck them in nice and tight
Its been another great Halloween night.
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Review by Whitemorn
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like it! Great picture. ;) The architectural style of writing is fun. Now you have a tree! ;)
OH, Thanks very much for the raffle tickets! :)

God bless! Whitemorn ;)
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Review of Stay  
Review by Whitemorn
Rated: E | (4.0)
Ah, Young love... I remember those days long ago, (nearly 40 years).

So we have here a poem of a smitten young man (it would seem). ;) I think you did a fine job of portraying how it feels to be in such a state. ;)
Butterflies in your gut each time you meet. The bitter sweet moment when your love has to part. A dozen goodbye kisses then your left feeling empty and alone but still walking on clouds.

I like how you changed up the last line. ;) I enjoyed the last two stanzas the most and the fourth is good as well. ;)

I think that you would attract more readers if the title were "Do Not Disappear" because it would make them ask a question in their mind. ;)
If you were to leave "Stay" as the title then I would suggest "I Beg You To Stay", which would also attract more readers. Often, the title can be the most important part of an item, since it is the hook that you use to attract readers.

I see that you chose to omit most of the punctuation. I find no fault with that but you may have some reviews that think it's a must.

I did not find any spelling errors. Nice work! Write on... Best regards, Whitemorn :)
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Review by Whitemorn
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a bitter sweet item with a fine title that is expounded upon frequently in the text body.

The character expresses her willpower to not let the accident ruin her ability to enjoy life which is admirable since so many people often cave in from adverse situations.

The only thing that caught me off guard was the sudden appearance of the moose in the story. It might be nice to inform the readers that you were in moose country and were hoping to see one on the trip. ;) I'm not sure if you were limited by this prompt, but I would also like to have more descriptions about the parade and the area where the moose was. Perhaps more detail about the hospital stay as well.

Nice work overall! Best regards, Whitemorn :)
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Review by Whitemorn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow!

For openers, let me say how sorry I am that this happened to you. ;(

You had fallen for something that is very common these days. I was scammed once and that was all it took. Luckily it was only a credit card number that I could cancel and replace right away.

Your story is interesting and the title appropriate. You seem to be well versed with your technical writing skills as nothing popped out at me that needed correction.

It's a shame that people in need are most vulnerable to scams.

Well done! Best regards, Whitemorn :)
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