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51
51
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I discovered your essay in the "Please review" page here at WDC ... so I will offer my opinions and suggestions at this time.

I sort of enjoyed this story. I say "sort of" because I have had to end the lives of several animals using violent methods. Your descriptions were well placed, taking me back to several memories of my own farm life.

I want for you to know that I am an American author, so I may not know all of the rule changes applied to writing in the UK, (if you are using those ideas). This means that the review is being done from an American viewpoint.

My observations are only shared in an attempt to help you become a better writer, so please don't take any criticisms as a personal attack on your talents which you DO HAVE! You may not have read many reviews on your work here at WDC. Most will not be as "in depth" as this one. I am qualified to offer this review as an author of many years, yet even with my awards, I am still learning and am wrong about my observations from time to time, so if you question something that I suggest, please research it!

The TITLE: I felt that you could have chosen a richer title than "Coop". With any title, it's a good idea to entice the prospective reader by making them ask a question in their minds. I like to find something within the text body that will achieve that, such as:

"Everything is Going Wrong" or "No Solace" or "Cut Off" ............Such titles are like magnets that pull your new readers to you, since they offer a taste of "conflict". The reader instantly knows from any of these titles that some sort of conflict will be found in the writ. Most non-fiction writing involves conflict because people always try to see how others deal with it. You did a wonderful job portraying the conflict in this item.

I have copied your story and have inserted my opinions for correction in parenthesizes.


The air is crisp and cool as you exit the artificial warmth of the car. It’s early on a fall morning (USE A COMMA or ... HERE) a soft mist is rising over the fields. The cows are standing leisurely, waiting to be milked, peacefully puffing little clouds of steam. The only sound is the rhythmic(COMMA) mechanical hum and chug(COMMA) coming from the milking parlour. All else is still and quiet. It would be a peaceful morning(COMMA) but the task you are here for weighs on your mind and you find no solace in this gentle farmyard scene.

You change into some old clothes up at the trailer ( ... ) something (REMOVE SOMETHING) you don’t mind getting dirty. You take off your warm shoes and slip your feet into the rubber boots you left on the front porch. The rubber is stiff with cold and your feet instantly become chilled as you slide them inside. You clump down the stairs and out to the coop.

One of the ducks hatched a clutch of eggs earlier this year(COMMA) and all (REMOVE "all" and write "through the" INSTEAD) spring and summer you enjoyed watching as the little family paraded around the farm. They would waddle single file(COMMA) just like in the cartoons(PERIOD) The babies (Sounded) beep beep beep(COMMA) as they tried to keep up. One day they wandered into the milk parlour(COMMA) and two of the little ones got cut off from the group, they shouted their little heads off until you chased them out and they reunited with the family. They’ve all grown to full size now and only two are male. One has a lame wing; no one knows how it happened. He is small and quiet(COMMA) and stays out of trouble. The other is big and strong and he’s (USE "has been" DROP "he's") been fighting with the only other drake on the farm, the father ( ... INSTEAD OF COMMA) (INSERT "whose") trying to be head of the pack. The fights are getting vicious. ( I would use an exclamation point instead of a period) There is only room for one big drake on this farm (PERIOD) and(DROP "and") Since the old guy won’t be good for eating (COMMA) and since the farmers have a sentimental attachment to him (COMMA) you’ve been given the young one. He’s yours to have(COMMA) but getting him on the table is up to you.

You grew up in the country(comma) but you (DROP "you") are not a farm kid. And though you want to be more connected to where your food comes from(COMMA) you are realizing the idea and the reality exist worlds apart for("from" rater than "for"?) you. There are two of you(COMMA) and your partner has offered to be the one holding the knife. You are immensely grateful to him for that. Your job will be to wrap the duck up in a blanket and hold him down(COMMA) so the cut will be clean and quick. You’ve seen some of the fights these two drakes have had ( ... ) even tried to break one up once with the handle of your pitch fork. You have some idea of his strength(COMMA) and it’s substantial.

You walk out through the soggy yard to the coop ( ... ) rubber boots being sucked into the mud with each step. The plan is to open the coop door and throw the blanket over him as he comes out. You will hold him down while your partner ties his head back and does a quick cut. You wait at the door, blanket ready, and toss it over him. You wrestle him to the ground, (PERIOD) Your partner ties him down, ("and" DROP COMMA) readies the knife. But suddenly everything is going wrong,(semicolon) he is stronger than you expected(COMMA) and he’s freed his head. He’s thrashing under your weight, pushing against you. Your heart is pounding and you think for a moment that you won’t be able to hold him. And(DROP "And) Suddenly (COMMA or semicolon) you don’t want to. Suddenly ( Find another word to use besides "suddenly", because you just used it) this feels so wrong and you want to be anywhere but here doing anything but this. It’s taking too long, his muscular neck is thicker than either of you expected and this whole task is suddenly( DROP SUDDENLY) so (INSERT "very") difficult and so real. After another tense moment(COMMA) you regain control,(PERIOD) The knife is through and now it’s done (Exclamation point) The struggle subsides(DROP "and" REPLACE WITH SEMICOLON or ... ) you can feel the fight going out of him.

You don’t cry but you know you could if you let yourself. You’ve never been witness to this moment before, watching, feeling as the life drains from an animal that is still warm under your hands.

Once again everything is still. The milking machine continues its monotonous hum. The cows stand and chew(COMMA) and gaze lazily around the yard. Sun is peeking through the now risen clouds,(REPLACE COMMA WITH SEMICOLON or ... ) you can feel it warming your cool cheeks. Everywhere around you everything is normal.(COMMA SEMICOLON or ... ) only you are different. This life will not be wasted.(PERIOD) You’ll prepare a meal and you’ll (DROP "you'll") be grateful. But you wonder if you’ll be able to put out of your head(COMMA) the knowledge("memory" may be a better word than "knowledge") of a pool of blood(COMMA) soaked into the field by the coop.
52
52
Review of Unbreakable  
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This actually describes my wife pretty well. Everything is more important than I am. Superficial things that mean nothing in the grand scheme of life.

She wonders why I am not so affectionate when she's being cruel to me like a wicked stepmother. As you stated, someday she will have to reap what she has sewn.

I write classic rhyming poetry that demands an ordered syllabic count. This is a bit different. I have read this type of poetry, but I can't really have an astute opinion of it because I have not been educated in it. I do know that if you use punctuation, IE: question marks, you should punctuate every line with a period, or whatever is appropriate.

The title is a good one for this item!

You had a good method of expressing yourself in the poem. I can't say that I enjoyed it, but I certainly respect and relate to it.

Welcome to WDC. I hope you have an enjoyable ride with us and learn from so many of the great writers here.

Best regards, Whitemorn :)
53
53
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Parthena. I decided to pop in an d have a look at what you've been up to.

Your story reminds us of our own journeys, at least it did for me.

Many of us have had a rough go of it. Life seems to be an endless quagmire of cornering ourselves into a position where we have to find a solution ... a way to pull ourselves out.

After reading and sharing so many true stories with people here, it seems that most of us live like we are lost to a degree. It is a rare thing for peoples dreams to become a reality, and often, when they do, they find the dream is not anything like they envisioned it would be. I often wonder about the Hindu teachings to "remove the personal you from your opinions of yourself, and look at your life with no emotion, as an observer." Jesus taught to be "in the world, not of the world", which to me is another way of explaining the neutral self attitude that the Hindus teach.

The good thing is, that you are trying, and that you have all of the tools needed to win in your efforts. You have peers and Googlish abilities to help you through your journey.

It's a good day! Eat the elephant one bite at a time. That's all any successful person ever did. Am I right or am I right? Write.

Before I became a DJ, I had never sung karaoke. I purchased my equipment for a few thousand dollars, and gathered some 250,000 songs. Then I sat staring at the stuff for two years until I went to a party at a friends house and actually sang. Soon after I went to a new club in town where I nervously inquired about the possibility of being a DJ for them and just like that, my posters were all over town. A year after that, I was seasoned enough to have clubs all over the area asking me to host New Years Eve parties etc...

A good friend told me once: "If you don't know what you're doing ... fake it". That's pretty good advice as long as your not working with explosives!!

It looks to me like you know what you're doing, but when unsure, go ahead and fake it.

Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain) was criticized for his early work. Some of it was even banned from schools and libraries. He just kept on slugging it out until the time came when he was considered to be a master of the pen.

He was no greater than any writer with talent, so spread your wings and FLY! :)

Nice title. I noticed no technical errors. Nice work! :)
54
54
Review of The Fun House  
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Tom.

I looked at this piece a day ago and passed over it because of its length, since I have some time restraints, but because I have fond memories of being at the San Francisco fun house on the boardwalk near the ocean, I decided to read your story.

I was glad to have taken the time to read it, since you did a marvelous job of weaving images into the story, which rolled along nicely, reminding me of the old Nancy Drew mystery series of books.

It's obvious that you have your writing skills honed, as this piece exemplified your talent.

You did a fine job of establishing the characters and coloring the "un house" with allot of frightening images.

Technically, I didn't find any errors. I felt you did a nice job with the structure of the story and I like the font size.

The Clown image at the top was perfect for the story.

That's it...Bravo!

Best regards, Whitemorn :)



55
55
Review by Whitemorn
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello SZK. I decided to have a look at your port to see what you have been up to. ;)

I enjoyed reading this as I am a vivid dreamer. Thankfully, not many real nightmares since where I live the only predator is mankind. The worst animal to run into would be a skunk, LOL! :O

I can tell from your writing that you are a deep thinker, and your writing style is very different and original which, in my opinion makes it worthwhile to read your work. ;)

You chose an excellent title for this piece.

Now that I know you're a "scaredy cat" I might have to sneak up behind you and shout "SURPRISE" just to see you jump! Hee Hee!

My worst nightmares are of people out to get me ... A man with a weapon etc.... Or fleshy colored snakes everywhere. I just cringe at light colored snakes. :O I think I saw a movie when I was young that depicted the devil as a light colored snake. In real life I'm only afraid of snakes that I'm unfamiliar with. (The breed).

The word "Learnt" is considered improper in the states where we use "Learned" instead, but learnt appears to be usable in some countries.

So thanks for sharing, but I have one question ... You used the word "jinns" . What does it mean?


Carry on...........I want more! Whitemorn :)

56
56
Review of Tinnitus  
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A HA! Greetings again, T Boilerman

I too share this condition with you and was immediately interested when I saw the title.

You did an excellent job of describing the condition, and the article was well structured.

Your symptoms must be much worse than mine, which have also been helped with hearing aids, yet I have never had feelings of being suicidal from the condition.

The Hindu monks call the condition "the Hu sound" and claim that it is the sound of your own personal vibration, usually possessing several tones. It is the sound of your life, (so they say), much like the hum of a computer when you turn it on. They say that the more evolved your soul is, the louder the sound will be.

I am sure that there are physical problems that can cause tinnitus, which is surely a difficult problem for the sufferer. In my case, I use a sleep machine with ocean waves to cover the hiss. For many years mine was constant, then changed to the "chirping" that you described, and after several years, it has returned to a constant hiss.

The pills do not help me at all, but I'm glad to hear they do for some.

The only thing I would add (unless I overlooked it) was that high blood pressure can cause it. In my case it isn't a factor.

My condition is serious enough that I cannot hear birds chirping unless I am within 6 feet of them or I am wearing my aids.

I put natural vitamin E drops in my ears to help heal the nerves that might have been damaged and it seems to have made the problem quieter with only a couple of treatments a year ago. Perhaps I should do it again.

I guess we are in trouble if the sound goes away. :O

Nice work. Whitemorn :)
57
57
Review of DEPRESSION  
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings T Boilerman.

I was provoked to read this item since the title is no stranger to me.

The title strays from my own rule ... which is that a title should cause the prospective reader to ask a question in their minds. This title does not do that directly, yet it works the same way because the drawing factor is not felt by a question, rather by the association of the word depression. So you have taught me something.

These puzzle style writs are always a fun read, because they demand an author to think. Each letter becomes a prompt that has to be attached to the words meaning, which you did with grand expertise!

This was my favorite line: Nasty of Nasties. (The fact that "nasties" is not a real word, has to be forgiven in this case) ;)

Anywho ... Bravo! :D I would like to see more of this style from you. Who knows ... perhaps I'll give it a spin! ;)

Best regards, Whitemorn :)
58
58
Review of Autumn's Ceremony  
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Such wonderful imagery is painted in this poem. It reminds me of the movie "Legend" staring Tom Cruise that came out in 1985. If you haven't seen it I think you would love it although it has some very dark and dramatic moments.

Thank you for the new word, "houri". I had not heard it used before and I like it.

You are so talented and spiritual with your writing:
"There stood an imaginary, invisible houri fairy
A bride under a maple tree
Dressed in prism-hued layers
of chifon in ethereal shimmers"

I love it.

What I might change would be: "An autumn's ritual
draped in nature's pretty confetti!" (Because that line felt a bit disconnected as):

An autumn's ritual
and as nature's pretty confetti!

You could take some of the short lines and make longer sentences out of them to improve the structure a bit like:

There stood an imaginary, invisible houri fairy
a bride under a maple tree,
dressed in prism-hued layers of chiffon (chiffon was spelled wrong)
in ethereal shimmers and delicate gossamer.

She, having her weeny wedding in the fall
and fairy folk bustled about all round her
as flimsy and flighty as they could be
while red-gold leaves fell down upon her
in ceremonial nuptial ... an autumn's ritual
draped in nature's pretty confetti!

Branches denuded, yet autumn's august
for the wilting's ravishing! (wilting's) isn't a proper word, but I liked it anyway.
The willowy fairy almost drowned
in gorgeous fallen maple leaves<br> (does <br> mean brown? If so "of brown" would be better to use.
playing hide 'n'seek with a brownie groom
camouflaged in the heap.

Do you see how I blocked it more evenly.

I really enjoy reading your work as it's very refreshingly creative!

Write on! :)

59
59
Review of To be alive  
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Alright, I have taken some time to read your prose and will now review it as requested.

Again, welcome to WDC. My first impression after reading this item is that you have some genuine talent as a writer. As you continue writing here, you will be able to polish your work a great deal as I have.

Title: "TO BE ALIVE" It's an appropriate title for the main body, however, there are more dynamic phrases in the text body that could be used instead. A great title makes the perspective reader curious. It makes them ask a question in their mind that pulls them in to read. You might use something else like: "Frozen Cold Heart" or "Taste the raindrop" for instance, but "To Be Alive" is still nice.

Text body:

I'm only addressing the technical aspect in this section.

You break up several lines that you don't need to, which obstructs the flow of your prose, ie:

"To be alive isn't just to be alive and kicking
feeling your legs and limbs." Would be better as:

"To be alive isn't just to be alive and kicking feeling your legs and limbs."
(then): To be alive is to
percieve the sights and sounds (better as): "To be alive is to percieve the sights and sounds" (Perceive) is misspelled by the way.

Each time that the reader has to start a new line is like driving over a speed bump ... a little jolt in the mind.

I was wondering if you meant this line to have a little humor? : "coz we ain't born coldblooded." if not, it doesn't fit in with the rest of the material because you don't use slang anywhere else, so: "because we aren't born coldblooded" would be more appropriate.

Here is how I would structure this item:

To be alive isn't just to be alive and kicking feeling your legs and limbs.
To be alive is to perceive the sights and sounds that those who have kicked the bucket can't appreciate.
To be alive is to thaw the frozen cold heart with the warmth of feeling because we aren't born coldblooded.
Alive is the sense of hearing that hearkens not just the violin but the songbird's birdsong.
To see not just the obvious, the apparent but as well to see with the eyes of wisdom.
To feel not just your skin ... but employ the sense of touch ... to feel petals and other (creatures) critters.
To be alive isn't to smell your own breath and sweat, but to inhale all the distinct fragrances of nature.
And to taste not merely of the artificial flavors of fizzy pale poison refined sugar's soda but to cup your hands to taste the raindrop!
Do I in anyway imply by this that those born blind, deaf or dumb are less alive?
Never! For I've seen the blind appreciate divinely created nature far more than the seeing.
For the blind every sound is precious, for every voice they are grateful, (comma) and every touch has meaning.
Be alive with all your God given senses.
Don't wait to be deprived of even one, to appreciate them, for senses like limbs, freeze when they're not in usage.
God created this world for our toil and so we appreciate life and we deserve the next one in heaven. (It's my opinion of course).

Subject: What a great and inspiring topic spoken from a spiritual soul and heart. Your style brings out the flavors of appreciating life and your examples are excellent. I really enjoyed reading this item. :) What I enjoyed the most was:

"Alive is
the sense of hearing
that hearkens not just the violin
but the songbird's birdsong." (and):

"To be alive isn't to smell your own breath and sweat
but to inhale all the distinct fragrances of nature."

My intention in my reviews are to assist others in becoming better writers. I hope my comments don't come across as condescending, rather constructive.

Warmest regards, Whitemorn (Ron) :)











60
60
Review of Saved By A Bug  
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Howdy Connieann. Since you offered me such a nice review, I thought I would take a peek at one of your shorts and this caught my eye. I guess I have "bugs" on the brain this week. LOL.

This was a very enjoyable little story. I couldn't stop reading it ... a sign of your success as a writer here. ;)

Having ridden in a "Bug" I was able to identify well with the adventure, including the gutless performance they provide.

I worked in a very large steel factory near Chicago and it was my job to take care of 3 cars, all owned by upper management...BIG BOSSES. I washed dried and waxed them, sometimes twice a day if it rained when they drove them for lunch. I was asked to take one somewhere for some reason which I can't remember now but I do remember that it was a Porsche and that I barely had a clue on how to drive it, as it was a stick as well. I suppose the owner probably had to have a clutch replaced after I'd had my way with it. Ha ha. :D

I am pretty critical when I read someones work, but I found nothing that I would change in this item which was well structured and easy to absorb.

I look forward to reading more from you as time allows. Thank you for the entertainment!

Warm regards, Whitemorn :)
61
61
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
That's very interesting. I guess, I never really focused on those lines when my friend and I recited the plays in high school.

Shakespeare was a great writer because of his attention to detail and observations of how the world operated, and although the language he wrote in is of past, the topics are still quite relevant today.

I will enjoy part 2 when completed (I'm sure). *Wink*

You chose a nice theme to write on ... good thinking! Whitemorn *Smile*
62
62
Review of Dear Me  
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Drifter..
I'm back..Ha Ha..

So the title of your writ was of interest to me because I thought, "what would a pastor want to change about themselves? What resolution would my Drifting Reverend friend desire to make?" So that's a nice draw for me at least.

As a Pastors son, I myself was forced to drift around the country numerous times. I often heard my dad say that he felt "called" to the ministry and I sort of thought.."doesn't he mean he felt drawn to the ministry?" I must admit to this day I have a little difficulty with the term "called". Did God open a window in Heaven and gesture with an index finger at him saying..."you're supposed to do this Ken?" Then there were all of those moves where dad would say "I think God is leading me to pastor that church." Then after a year or two, difficulties arise because the congregation didn't like his stance on some doctrine. I think we all need to be careful not to place God as a life coach dressed in a sort of Santa suit with a magic wand.

I must warn you that seeing things from my perspective has made me somewhat of a Deist. I believe that God created the world in love and then rested on the seventh day (symbolically) According to Jesus (Yeshua Ben Joseph), "God sees every sparrow that falls", yet He does nothing to prevent it...so why should God "call" anyone? I have no clue... but I do believe in the trinity and salvation, (rebirth by the Holy Spirit) and I know what it feels like. So what does this mean to me when I pray? It means that God hears it and submits a work order to someone in the Angelic hierarchy to investigate the issue..;D

Anyway, you have really opened yourself up in this article and it's wonderful to see your humility played out in your story. The "Me" effect was entertaining. I imagine that your profession may make you think a little seriously about your self just as I did when I was a music minister years ago. That's a tough spot to be in. Now that I live in a new town where nobody knows me, I feel so much more freedom to just be me.

If you decide to move to Kansas at least they can't tell you "you're not in Kansas anymore." LOL!

I didn't find any errors in this item. Best regards, Whitemorn :)

63
63
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Drifter. You have been kind enough to review many of my items and I have sadly fallen off the horse when it comes to reviewing your work..so..

This was a really wonderful story. You brought back memories of my joy of childhood treasure hunting. I worked in a hospital as a custodian and also in maintenance so I know how this event played out. My Father, being a pastor served at many funerals and memorial services so I am very much in touch with that event also. OK...here you go..

The Title: "Treasure Hunting" is a good title, yet common. I think you could use something like "Treasure in His Pockets" to attract more readers by incorporating more mystery. It simply forces the prospective reader to question.."what's in his pockets that could be treasure?"

Text Body: The whole story had good flow and fine use of description. You used the "WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, and WHY" format very well.
The story was factual, meaning that you used very few metaphors to embellish the story, which isn't wrong by any means. "Junk collector" is the only one that stood out, without re-reading the story.

Things to consider: At the end of the second paragraph, you tell the story of being involved with the boy who had been shot. Then you start with a completely different event without really tying in the previous event to it. You might want to add a sentence onto the end of the second paragraph like: "that's the sort of event that keeps me alert as a Chaplain, and this day was very much like that."
I hope I'm explaining myself properly. Anyway, that's why I said the flow was good but not excellent and cost a bit off my overall rating.

Punctuation: You did very well in this area except for missing one comma in this line...
"As a young thirty year old man(comma) I headed out on my hospital rounds." Forgive me if I'm mistaken, but I would use one in this case.

So that about does it...All are my opinions of course and up to you to decide if you like or not. It's a pleasure to have read and reviewed your story.

Warm regards, Whitemorn :)
64
64
Review by Whitemorn
Rated: E | (3.0)
OK, I am going to review your poem. I like the overall premise of your poem. An adventure of deceit.

The title is very good since it draws the reader in.

You are missing some important aspects in classical rhyming poetry, that I am happy to mention for your education. None of my suggestions are meant to offend you in any way, so I hope that you will take them constructively. ;)

When you are structuring this type of poetry, all of your stanzas should have the same number of lines, like you had in the first two quatrains (4 line stanzas). In a quatrain you have the choice of rhyming the first two lines and the last two lines (as you did in the first two stanzas), or you can rhyme the first and third, and second and fourth lines. Also, in classical rhyming poetry, you should have a rhythmic syllable count.. Let's look at your poems first four lines..
The Witches cursed and left us for dead. (eight syllables) Also...Who is us? You need to let the reader know who us is...perhaps
it's a girl scout group or a club, and you should put how many of you there are for the witches to take.
Into the woods we did then fled (also eight syllables)
Each night they took one away ( seven sylls.)
Fooling ourselves they'd be another day (ten sylls.)

You need to bring more uniformity to the syllabic count.. I'll give you an example by re-writing the same 4 lines"

Three Witches cursed us, and left us for dead. (ten syllables)
Into the woods, we'd decidedly fled (ten syllables)
Each night they captured one, took them away (ten syllables)
Fooling ourselves that we'd have one more day (ten syllables) So every line has ten syllables. I also gave the witches a number, but you could make it any one syllable number, like five, nine, or ten. When you can give the reader more details, you make your poem more believable.

After the first two stanzas you have 4 stanzas with 9 lines, which means that one of the lines becomes odd and has no line to rhyme with it.

My suggestion is to turn this poem into a prose piece, Prose is like poetry, but you don't have to make the lines rhyme, or have the same syllabic count. Prose is like using words artistically. Here is an example..

She walked like a phantom restless, and free
Her rags twirled around as she danced
Everyone watched, as I tried in vain to catch her
My stony fingers were helpless

Some people call prose "free verse poetry", which is fine. You might have noticed that I have capitalized the beginning of every line, which is another method applied to poetry and prose.

I have some advice which might be helpful.. Try writing a few short classical rhyming poems with only 3 stanzas, each having four lines. (A quatrain). It's easiest to create poetry with 9 to 12 syllables per line, but you never want to wander from the count very much. If the first line has 9 syllables, then the second line should too. The third line may have 10, but the fourth should have ten also in that case.
You never want to have more than two different syllable counts in any line of a poem.. I mean that if you have used 9 and 10, you should not use 11 or 12 in the same poem, because it ruins the cadence or rhythm of the poem, which should be almost like the lyrics of a song.
I like to use 11 and 12 syllables usually, since you can fit more information into the line, and make the syllable count work.
There is one rule that can give you a loophole with the syllable rule and that is, You can use 3 dots(...) as a pause that represents a syllable without there actually being one, but that should be a last resort. ;)

Do you know about rhymezone.com ? It's a great website for finding words that rhyme.

So write me a 3 stanza poem with my instruction in mind and send it to me for review. Classical poetry is not easy and takes time to master. It took me years of practice to do what I do.

I hope all this was helpful! Whitemorn (Ron) :)

65
65
Review of Deer Meadow  
Review by Whitemorn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello fellow Rising Star. :)

I very much enjoyed this poem. What a nice flow you developed here. I felt the struggle that deer experience through late Fall until Spring. I pictured the images well. ;) A wonderful item with a nice rhyming style. ;)

Best regards, Whitemorn :)
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Review of Wavering  
Review by Whitemorn
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a nice item of prose. You did a good job of making the drama that a leaf must endure come out in the item.

I don't have anything to suggest to make it better other than I think the title is a little short of having a hook. I would suggest "Losing Grasp" as a better title for this item to give it a hook which would tend to lure in more readers.

Nice work! Best regards, Whitemorn ;)
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Review by Whitemorn
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A wonderfully written story! Technically great (that I could tell), ;) You are a very talented writer. The proof is that I read your entire story and I almost never take the time to read anything that takes that much of my time. The title is terrific for a hook! You have many interesting lines woven through the story that made me carry on with the read. ;) The last line tying in with the old man's statement was very good. ;)

If I were to site any criticism, it would be that it became redundant to write Mila Kunis after this line:

" All right,” I said to the cat. “I’ll feed you. Just let me mix one more drink.” (rather than just Mila) Then say the full name again when you address the woman at the check out counter in this line:

“Oh,” I said. “Mila Kunis scratched me pretty good.” .. Then I think you should only use Mila in the rest of the story. The name is hilarious and I am a Mila fan. ;)

It's my opinion... You might look at it this way...Have you ever known someone do something very funny over and over till it just became silly? The use of the full name borders on that. My opinion,My opinion,My opinion,My opinion, :D

Now I want to hear about your dog, "Arnold Schwarzenegger's" leg humping problem..;D

Anyhoo...Very very nice and carry on! Best regards, Whitemorn ;)




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Review of Halloween  
Review by Whitemorn
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
OK, I could tell you how to improve your already good poem...or I can show you how: ;) My opinion of course ... You have many wonderful lines, but the smooth delivery of the syllabic count is missing in a few places. ;) I have rewritten the poem to demonstrate a better cadence to the rhythm. ;)

Please don't take offense.. I don't review many items unless I think they are worthy. ;) Best regards, Whitemorn :)

Cookies and candy oh so sweet
Ghost and goblins prowl on the street
Begging for candy they need more
Sneeking up the sidewalk to knock on the door.

Walking around this spooky town in the night
Listening to all the sounds of fright
Laughter and tired cries do ring out
Parents saying no while their children pout

Tired they all my seem
Hurry home its time to dream
Tuck them in nice and tight
Its been another great Halloween night.
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Review by Whitemorn
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like it! Great picture. ;) The architectural style of writing is fun. Now you have a tree! ;)
OH, Thanks very much for the raffle tickets! :)

God bless! Whitemorn ;)
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Review of Stay  
Review by Whitemorn
Rated: E | (4.0)
Ah, Young love... I remember those days long ago, (nearly 40 years).

So we have here a poem of a smitten young man (it would seem). ;) I think you did a fine job of portraying how it feels to be in such a state. ;)
Butterflies in your gut each time you meet. The bitter sweet moment when your love has to part. A dozen goodbye kisses then your left feeling empty and alone but still walking on clouds.

I like how you changed up the last line. ;) I enjoyed the last two stanzas the most and the fourth is good as well. ;)

I think that you would attract more readers if the title were "Do Not Disappear" because it would make them ask a question in their mind. ;)
If you were to leave "Stay" as the title then I would suggest "I Beg You To Stay", which would also attract more readers. Often, the title can be the most important part of an item, since it is the hook that you use to attract readers.

I see that you chose to omit most of the punctuation. I find no fault with that but you may have some reviews that think it's a must.

I did not find any spelling errors. Nice work! Write on... Best regards, Whitemorn :)



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Review by Whitemorn
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a bitter sweet item with a fine title that is expounded upon frequently in the text body.

The character expresses her willpower to not let the accident ruin her ability to enjoy life which is admirable since so many people often cave in from adverse situations.

The only thing that caught me off guard was the sudden appearance of the moose in the story. It might be nice to inform the readers that you were in moose country and were hoping to see one on the trip. ;) I'm not sure if you were limited by this prompt, but I would also like to have more descriptions about the parade and the area where the moose was. Perhaps more detail about the hospital stay as well.

Nice work overall! Best regards, Whitemorn :)



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Review by Whitemorn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow!

For openers, let me say how sorry I am that this happened to you. ;(

You had fallen for something that is very common these days. I was scammed once and that was all it took. Luckily it was only a credit card number that I could cancel and replace right away.

Your story is interesting and the title appropriate. You seem to be well versed with your technical writing skills as nothing popped out at me that needed correction.

It's a shame that people in need are most vulnerable to scams.

Well done! Best regards, Whitemorn :)
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Review of Aces over eights  
Review by Whitemorn
Rated: E | (3.5)
I thought the idea of this poem was cool, but I think that there should be some syllables added in a few spots to improve the poems cadence, IE:

"The table was set,
Five chairs spaced 'round.
All their guns were checked,
Their places found." .......................I think this line needs two more syllables, something like: (Their resting places found) ?

I don't know...It just feels a little choppy to me because you have so many 3 syllabic lines mixed with 5 syllabic lines.

The story line is good and your descriptive phrases are nice. ;)

Best regards, Whitemorn :)
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Review of Branding  
Review by Whitemorn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wonderful work! You captured all of the aspects of the branding tasks with your descriptions. Of course you will probably get some reviews asking for you to enter all of the typical punctuation as they do me, but I say pishaw to that sice we don't always need them. ;)

Bravo and regards, Whitemorn :)
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Review of Fitting  
Review by Whitemorn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Fitting in... It's allot like a car race...all the cars are on the track, but not all of them finish. That's what your poem reminds me of. I have definitely learned that this world is not perfect. Dreams aren't even perfect. The puzzle is like a Picasso painting. You can tell what's in the painting even though it's screwed up and you can't do anything to change that either.

I especially liked these lines:

"Call out your truths (lies in their eyes);
Thrust their words into your mouth instead
Until you gag on them, and are left
With no choice but to stay gagged."

I'm constantly misunderstood by people who think I said something, but they simply misinterpreted my message.

As far as the world going off it's rails...was it ever on track? ;D

I think you did a fine job on this free verse. ;) Carry on... Best regards, Whitemorn :)

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