Hello! I have to get my guitar to hear the chords, but I thought the lyrics were great - very much in the style you described. One edit - in the first and last instance of the chorus, you say "wast my day" and you obviously meant "waste."
That sweet reassurance - 'you can always come home' - touched my heart.
contest forum. I think yours is my favorite so far. I like this Twilight Zone-esque take on Jack & The Beanstalk! What an interesting way to take the story in a new direction. Infinite Jacks...the mind boggles.
At first I was going to criticize all the "he did" - he did follow, he did reach, he did climb - but I think it works to create a cool meter throughout.
Edits/proofreading - In the 3rd to the last stanza, you have "The boys' did wonder" but you don't need the apostrophe after "boys."
My favorite stanza:
The door opened wide
And so did Jack's eyes
Loved the door and the eyes opening.
Thanks for sharing your poem. Good luck in the contest!
I loved your sweet story! Interesting that I found this doing a random read, for I have visited Missouri (Mansfield, where the author Laura Ingalls Wilder and her husband moved to start a farm in the later 1800s).
The only major changes I'd make are grammatical edits (mostly places where you need a comma), and the way it looks on the page (put a space between paragraphs). There are a few places where the words are redundant (you say soon twice in two lines in paragraph two). If you would like a more thorough review with proofreading edits, I'd be happy to do that for you.
I envied the experiences you and "the kid" had on the farm!
I'm glad I visited your port and just made you a favorite author. You have a talent for flash fiction, that's for sure. What I like best about your writing (from what I've read so far) is you don't attempt to wrap up the story in your limited word count. Instead, you focus carefully on characterization and motivation that you leave your reader wanting more.
At first I thought the boy was a Buddha figure - then to find out he is Death personified was chilling...and the idea of "fishing" from two perspectives was clever and works wonderfully.
Hello! I loved your little descriptive piece. In such a short time, you captured my interest and I found myself wanting more of the story. Is there more?
You help your reader see the kitchen clearly without over-describing or inserting superfluous words and ideas. I felt the cold concrete and stainless steel environment, and was concerned for the narrator's safety.
Ah, the whiners! So much fun to listen to constant complaints - not. Funny how I found this poem right after you read mine about being kind.
I hope you're not dealing with too much of this kind of thing in your personal life. It certainly is exhausting.
I love the message you impart. And although it's a choice to change oneself, change comes to those who won't as well...you can't fight the great turning wheel! Better to spend our days trying to be better people.
I saw your poem at the Writer's Cramp - congrats on your shared win and on accomplishing what I thought was a really difficult form.
I loved the opening "April became May" line - what an original phrase. I envisioned kind of a melting or shifting of one month into the next. Not sure how you managed to work in all that rhyme without it feeling forced, but it never does. Love how the end circles back again to May.
Hello! I found this short story/dialogue doing a random read. I have a hard time when dialogue doesn't flow well. I know it rarely does in real life, but I want it to on the page. Yours flows *very* well. The only time I got hung up was when Tim said "heavy." Do teenagers still say that?
I also wanted to know more - which is to your credit, as you *made* me want to know more. But maybe include a few more details about the relationship between the father and Lyle. And I liked how you introduced the idea that his father is gay. It was a relief to me that Tim accepted it!
Hello! I found this poem doing a random read and review.
I like how you've created a poem full of image - like we are watching it and can see all that is happening clearly. I did stumble over "unfathomable" and "unmitigated" - I think in each case you might use alliteration or another pneumonic device instead. Maybe "gesture with mysterious meanings"? Or "immeasurable"?
Love the line "perhaps a green light to entwine our hands."
More people need to pause to consider the message of what's happening around them. In your poem, it pays off!
I liked the strong rhyme and meter in the first stanza and wanted it to continue. Your second stanza's first line breaks it, though. Maybe instead of "Rampant heartaches and hurt feelings," you could say "Rampant heartaches, feelings hurt" (which of course would require working the next line, but it solidifies that meter you've established at the beginning). If you hadn't started the poem with so strong a rhythm, it would be less noticeable when it's missing. The rest of the poem returns to that strong meter, which makes for a good flow.
I like how you take your reader through the emotions felt when writing, as well as the possible subject matter of the poetry. Love the line "poetic strokes amid distress!"
Thanks for sharing your poem about writing poetry!
I love micro-fiction, if it's effective. Yours is! I actually thought she was going to kill him. You made me hope she would
I found no issues with spelling or grammar, though I suggest putting the following phrase in parenthesis, for ease of understanding: "among other more nefarious games." The last sentence is a fragment but I think it works as such.
Great sonnet! I like the questioning, it makes the poem more personal to me. Things change indeed - it might be the only ultimate truth there is, really. Loved "I cannot strike a cord that you and I can dance to anymore." Hard to believe you came up with this so quickly. Color me impressed!
Hello! I found this poem at Writer's Cramp. It looks like you've invented what I like to call a free verse form. I love it! Your poem is so full of sounds and smells, and yet it's not overfilled or forced. In pithy poetic phrases, you paint a clear picture.
I wonder who "he" is in the 3rd stanza. Is "Smile on sunshine
and let the full moon find our way" a piece of a song?
I like how the first and last stanzas take you through the cycles of each day and that the first stanza itself cycles back to the last stanza. Very cool!
These are lovely! Each one manages to effortlessly capture clearly an image without using trite phrasing or done-to-death metaphor. I love good haiku and yours all fit the bill. The idea of winter holding spring hostage, the sounds in "one more morning" - color me impressed. Thanks for sharing!
I came straight to your port after reading your entry in the Dew Drop Inn. Wow! Your tiny poem was amazing. As was this, and now I'm excited to read more of your work. Methinks I've found a kindred spirit!
I love tarot too...and how you've crafted a cyclic poem with the repetition at the end. The rhythm is intoxicating and fun to read aloud, which I've done now twice. It doesn't hurt that I feel a familiarity when I read it, like I could have written it, almost. I also loved the clipped images - ex.
I read "O" magazine back to front,
stir my sauces widdershins,
Can't parallel park.
You pack so much into just a few lines. What a wonderful piece!
Thank you for sharing. I'm grateful I found your port.
Hello! This is awesomely cute and very funny. So pithy! You told a complete story in 8 lines. Color me impressed! Glad to be playing along writing a poem a day in the "Dew Drop Inn" . I'm looking forward to reading more of your poetry. Thanks for sharing!
I have missed you and am so glad I am here again among my poetry peeps. These 'poem pieces' are stunning, of course, as your work always is. You never cease to make me envious of your ability to find ever more interesting images and sounds. Bovine Einstein?! You are the coolest. It's official.