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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/winklett
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180 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by winklett
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
So I'd venture to say this is one of my favorite pieces of writing in your folder. I once critiqued one of your items by telling you I didn't care about the characters or what happened to them. Here I feel the exact opposite, even slowing my reading toward the end of the epilogue to savor the way the story was pulling at my heart. Silly, I know, but true.

I think you are an excellent storyteller, especially in the genre of mythology. You're gifted at weaving tales that make me want more. More stories, more adventures, more telling of Classindra and Arestes.

And it's nice to know the stars belong to the gods and mortals alike.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review by winklett
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I am not surprised by the fine quality of writing here, but I *am* surprised that you were resolute in your determination not to interact with your fellow cicada. Which is not to say that you didn't make the right decision; it's obvious you did!

I'm also very glad the power was on when you returned to your "pad."


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of Bring it to me  
Review by winklett
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Wow. This is macabre and very creepy - under-your-skin and up-your-spine creepy. If I were you I'd tighten it up a little to make it even moreso. One suggestion/example - in this stanza you say:


Bring me my wine
I need it more than you
Burn yourself again my precious
I need it more than you
Do you like preying on my thoughts
I love your scorched gaze
Do you like being the one who is distraught
I love your wretched haze

How about something more in keeping with the structure you've created. Maybe something more like:

Bring me my wine
I need it more than you
Burn yourself - you're mine
I feed the flames for two
Do you like preying on my thoughts?
I love your tortured gaze
Do you like being the one who is distraught?
I love your wretched haze

But that's just a suggestion. I'm happy you're here at writing.com. Welcome. Write on!

Amy
4
4
Review of Pen and Paper  
Review by winklett
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello. Great poem, love the double meaning and the fact that your rhyme isn't sing-song-y. *Smile* My favorite lines are: I cannot write a poem,
And he cannot bear a line. Thanks for sharing this!

Amy the winklett


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of Equinox  
Review by winklett
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a lovely poem, filled with originality and interesting phrasing - I love "senses lurch!" Nice to come across you - I hit "random read" and it brought me to this beauty, which has brightened my day. Thanks. *Smile*

Amy


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review by winklett
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello! I read your story and I'd like to give you some suggestions for edits first. I'll put them in the order they appear as I read through your story:

"Despite all this, it was probably the best story he read so far that evening."

Perhaps keep everything in present tense by changing "was" to "is"?


"Old Brittany Park" --- maybe just Brittany Park? You don't need to capitalize "old," anyway.

"It's 5,000 to 10,000 words Brittany, 5,000. Lord, her name itself smacks of banality."

I think it would be clearer if you placed all Dr. Vogel's inner thoughts in italics.

"so it has a lot of non-English major freshman and sophomores taking it just to fulfill their elective requirements."

You mean *basic curriculum* requirements, right?



"Later that day Professor Vogel takes his tray of food and makes a b-line"

I think you mean a beeline. (all one word)

"Her beige corduroy pants (corduroy no less)"

I think it would be better to say "Her beige pants (corduroy no less)"


"Ethan winces at this Brittany notes."

You just need a comma after "this."

"It’s the colleges."

I would say "It belongs to the college" - or "It's the college's."

“Lord, fine…you can have two screwdrivers."

I don't think he'd know what a screwdriver is because he didn't know you could combine vodka and orange juice.


"A lot of it is my fault too, since the feelings somewhat mutual.

You need an apostrophe in "feelings."

"Later that evening Dr. Mullins wife calls out to him,"

You need an apostrophe: Dr. Mullins' -- and same thing two lines down


"but if it is then I pray you have the commonsense..."


Should be "common sense"

You never mention what happens after he picks her up to go on the "makeover trip." Does she cut her hair, get glasses or contacts, new clothes, etc?

---

That's it for edits, and I was engaged throughout the story. I found myself hoping they get together and stay together, and that Dr. Vogel does not lose his job. But I do wish the relationship between them were based on more of a love of literature, or something they both share. Maybe her story reminds him of his favorite author?

I think the dialogue is a well-written and flows well, and I like the added concern on the part of Dr. Mullins. The "can of Pledge" comment at the end added an interesting touch of humor that made me chuckle.

Great story. Write on!




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review by winklett
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello! I found this through a 'random read.' It's a lovely sonnet full of honest, beautiful sentiments. At times the flow seems awkward -- I think the line "Hearts into those that feels the others’ pain" may sound better without the word "the," for instance. I also believe God should be capitalized in the first line.

Nice metaphor and interesting language throughout, and I agree with the overall message: walk the walk of goodness!

Write on! *Smile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review by winklett
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi ChemoKidRaver

You describe an incredibly painful journey, and I want you to know that you are brave to come here and tell your story. I have no idea what it is like to go through what you have been through, but am deeply touched by it; I'm so glad to hear you had that good moment when you got to choose a wig.

You are a teacher, whether you know it or not. You teach people to be grateful, and that is a gift for which I thank you.

Don't be so quick to deny the possibility of divinity. Let go of what you think you know, and remember to always focus on the good, on the kind, on the light, on life -- for what you focus on always expands!

Thank you for writing this, and I hope you are well and stay that way.

Amy
9
9
Review of Genie as a gift  
Review by winklett
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Welcome to writing.com! I like your twist on the genie-in-a-bottle theme. I think you could improve the ending stanza, though; if I were you I'd end it at the stanza before it, or write something more compelling --and spooky, maybe, even.

Edit: 1st line of last stanza -- "suppose" should be "supposed"

Thank you for sharing your work. Write on!
10
10
Review by winklett
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow. This reads like a cross between Roger Ebert's voice and Spock's.; lol. I've never read the Zelazny books but now maybe I'll give them a try. I like the way the main character, never named, encounters others, also never named. I like how you write in the narrative format. You enjoy telling stories from that point of view, I've noticed.

The ending is tragic and surreal - I love how you use the word eons, which rings with infinity in a way most words can't. Then the hint of the future, tearing the world apart, longing to go home, knowing it will be an interminable time. Gives me a shiver.

This definitely deserved the win! Congratulations!
11
11
Review of Nothing  
Review by winklett
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow, this is creepy. The concept of nothing BEING, of it COMING AFTER YOU. Nothing would have to be something, then, wouldn't it? (My mind is spinning). ~shivers~

One suggestion: keep the whole thing in present tense: You have -->
--There is nothing. The world had stopped.--
Maybe "the world has stopped" or "The world stopped." ?

And here: You have -->
"As the night holds its breath.
As if it was waiting for something."

I think both lines would be more powerful without the words "as." And again, keeping the present tense, like this maybe:
"The night holds its breath.
It is waiting for something."

I think using present tense was a wise choice...
I also like reading, horror and especially enjoy old-school Steven King. My favorite is The Shining. *Wink*

I'm glad I found your port!

Amy
The Winklett
12
12
Review of Sorcerer  
Review by winklett
Rated: E | (4.5)
Clear imagery with a strong rhythm and wonderful play of sound -- I love the second stanza especially, with all its alliteration, the kind that never feels like alliteration for its own sake....which is difficult to achieve!

I know a sorcerer personally, actually. *Wink*

Nice.

13
13
Review of Another Eve  
Review by winklett
Rated: E | (4.5)
Fantastic extended metaphor throughout, how the wind becomes the breath and the summer the lungs, with all of nature pulsing with life.

What fresh ideas and phrasing! I love the seasons answering the unasked questions, too...all your lines combine action and image in a way that is both interesting and thought-provoking.

Nice! Write on!
14
14
Review by winklett
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Lovely -- filled with rich images and a touch of humor...I like how it does not stop at one aspect but rather alights on many, butterfly style, to arrive at a sensual & beautiful ending. Nice! Good luck in round one of the SLAM.

*Smile*

Amy
15
15
Review of Rebirth  
Review by winklett
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey, this is a wonderful poem! Rhythmic, sharp, with emotions I bet lots can relate to, including me...the pangs of indecision, torn by love...

...of course I always recommend the rebirth, whenever possible. *Smile*

This would make a great song.
16
16
Review by winklett
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey, Dubya Dee! "Putzworth" & "Hogensnoz" -- what great names for these characters! You sure do have an imaginative mind. And to do almost the entire piece in dialogue is very impressive. Dialogue is tough.

One suggestion. In this paragraph:

Chief Hogensnoz jumped out of his seat struggling to button his pants. Grabbing his uniform jacket, he attempted to force it on. At that moment, Sergeant Bludgeon saw his chance, and tried to grab the donut off the desk. He tried again.

I think it reads awkwardly and leaves out information that your reader needs. Of course I can't envision what your characters are doing the way you can, but I'll just do a hypothetical to show you what I mean:

Chief Hogensnoz jumped out of his seat and struggled to button his pants. Grabbing his uniform jacket, he jammed his right arm in the wrong hole and swore. At that moment, Sergeant Bludgeon saw his chance, and tried to grab the donut off the desk. His hand passed right through the donut! Nonplussed, he tried again.

Anyway. Just an idea....

This well-written tale is full of fanciful, light fun that reads easily. Write on, Dubya!

*Smile*

~ Amy
17
17
Review by winklett
Rated: E | (4.5)
Love the title and love you probe the writer's mind. This is almost proselike, yet maintains a poetic feel throughout.

I long for spaces between the lines in places -- it's all jammed in together, and hard to read for me. I'd put a line break after your first two lines, for example. You've made a declaration, and your reader needs to pause and consider it! *Smile*

There are a few places where I think your punctuation is unnecesary:

It's the five common senses,
that enhance my imagination.
Sometimes I sit forgetting that,
I am enclosed by the walls of my basement.


Both commas can be removed. And same here:

because you could be the next one trapped,
in a writer's life of creativity.
So tread lightly on your paper,
while walking heavily in your dreams.


Having said all that, I think anyone whose passion is writing will hear this loud & clear. You've expressed the timeless sensation of creating very well.

Write on!

~ Amy



18
18
Review of The Journey  
Review by winklett
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like this -- you've told an interesting, engaging historical story with your poem. My favorite stanza:

Embraced by one lone mornings light,
Their gaze transfixed upon a sight.
A Goddess standing tall at sea
Beckoned them towards liberty.

(You need an apostrophe in "morning's", by the way!)

Overall, your poem feels very Schoolhouse Rock to me....like it could be put to song!

~ Amy
19
19
Review by winklett
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like your voice throughout. It's soft and easy to read. I think you should expand it.

One edit --> The word "stairs" needs no aprosrophe here:

The bar retained the girl's stair's

And you don't need the copyright info. Your work is copyrighted just by having it here on writing.com. In fact if you look at the very bottom of your item you'll see it.

A nice, short piece.

~ Amy
20
20
Review of Shedding Life  
Review by winklett
Rated: E | (4.0)
You have some beautiful imagery and interesting metaphors throughout this poem, all swimming in soft sounds and a quiet tone.

I think there are places where you could make the imagery even clearer and sharper. These lines need a little tweaking, in particular. You have-->

And we are bathed in her dark,
Silk smoothe skin of sedation.


I'd change it to:

And we are bathed in her dark,
Silky-smooth skin of sedation.


I think poems can always be improved with careful editing but I also enjoyed yours as is. *Smile*

Write on!

~ Amy
21
21
Review by winklett
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is very clever and cute. The rhyme/meter is awkward in a few places - ex:

Peel myself from the cement,
as spatula prys egg from skillet.


...but I imagine you weren't going so much for a perfect meter but rather for a poem filled with fun. And it sure is fun!

*Smile* Good luck in the contest.
22
22
Review of The Gift  
Review by winklett
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like this very much -- it is heartfelt and painful to read, though beautiful as well and ultimately so full of hope!

One suggestion: your first stanza is full of two "he"s -- but I think you refer to different people with each "he," which confused me:

I have this wonderful gift, He gave to me,
It's more precious to me than anything,
I will never give this gift away,
Even though he went away.


Maybe try:

I have this wonderful gift, God gave to me,
It's more precious to me than anything,
I will never give this gift away,
Even though his father went away.


It may be hard, indeed, but something tells me you'll do just fine. You sound very brave and mature. Bless you!

~ Amy

23
23
Review of Mother's Day Wine  
Review by winklett
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
An interesting poem which successfully avoids the trite and usual - though I'm not sure if the strangeness of the images works for me every time.

Here, for example:
languid in the emerald-green heat
of a Florida May afternoon.


Emerald-green? It's very Oz, almost surreal. I don't mind that necessarily, but it stopped me in my tracks for a minute.

I like the ending very much. To life!

Nice poem. Write on...

~ Amy
24
24
Review of Passover  
Review by winklett
Rated: E | (4.0)
This sounds like a song, lilting and lyrical. I absolutely love "me and Mother Mary calling/praying/howling down the moon." How imaginative and image-rich!

One thing: The third stanza starts to sound kind of awkward to me -- that second line especially is just suspended there; it needs some sort of punctuation. And there are places in that same stanza where I wished you'd introduced an image instead of remaining in the realm of the conceptual.

However -- even though I did not fully understand all of the concepts and language in this poem, I enjoyed it thoroughly!

*Smile* Write on...

~ Amy
25
25
Review of A Long Walk  
Review by winklett
Rated: E | (4.5)
Lovely in its sadness, and haunting. I like hoe you use strange places to break the lines, emphasizing the loss of normalcy & memory....it's very effective, especially in your first two stanzas. Since you mention the 23rd psalm, I think it might make the poem even stronger if you mirror its syntax to end the poem. Ex. You have -->

And as I take this long walk through
the valley of Alzheimer's,
I gather fragments of light and memory,
to tuck in my pocket,
for tomorrow.


Where, if you were to mirror the syntax of Psalm 23, you could say:

Yea though I take this long walk through
the valley of Alzheimer's,
I will gather fragments of light and memory,
and, tucked in my pocket for tomorrow,
they comfort me.


Just a suggestion. Great poem!

~ Amy


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