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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/winklett
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288 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by winklett
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Destiny

Is this a true story? My son has autism (profound/severe) but I also am on the spectrum/Asperger's (although they aren't really using that term anymore, I understand.

And so I can relate -- to the feeling of panic when everyone's looking at you and using my long hair as a curtain drawn against the world.

A few suggestions: when you have internal dialogue (the repeated swear word in the beginning, for instance, try using italics. That way the reader is put right into the mind of the narrator.

There are a few places where you could shape up the sentences with better grammar - for instance, here is one edit. Your original paragraph:

"So we have a new student with us today," The teacher started,my face went bright red, "Lillian, would you please come to the front of the room and tell the class something about yourself?"

My edit to that paragraph:

"So we have a new student with us today," the teacher started. My face went bright red. "Lillian, would you please come to the front of the room and tell the class something about yourself?"

And here, you want the word "too" -- Oops, maybe that was to loud.

I like this part a lot:

I fell. On my face. Painfully.

The sharp small sentences mimic the fall, and it's effective. And here, you do it again:

This. Is. To. Much.

However, as before, you want to use "too," not "to."

Toward the end, "highway" is one word, and you need an apostrophe in "Im."

I might suggest adding more to this - about what happened after you got home, about how your brother acted toward you - or your parents - or the kids at school the next day. You draw your reader in nicely but then leave us hanging, wanting more. And that's a good thing!

Thank you for sharing.

Amy


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review by winklett
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi - I would like to review this item but you have to change its rating. It should be rated 18+. Please change the rating and I'll come back to review.
3
3
Review by winklett
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello! I found this gem among my fellow entries in the "Fantasy Unraveled contest. I really enjoyed your dreamlike, free verse interpretation of "Jack and the Beanstalk." It's so different from every other entry - and in a cool way! Your imagery and word choices take the reader along with Jack as he climbs.

I might suggest splitting it into stanzas; as it stands it's a lot to read all at once (visually, on the screen). I like how you've done that with the last bit.

I do love your original phrases which paint the poem with an artist's brush: soft, white dream; deepening vales and canyons; billowing land - and the sounds which weave through effortlessly - internal rhyme and assonance and alliteration. It's a beautiful piece.

Best of luck to you in the contest - not that you need it!

Amy


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of Our Daily Rain  
Review by winklett
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love this one! You've woven so many deliciously original phrases and sounds together - edges whispering, pinprick silvered drops, brushing hands and eyelids....all culminating in that clever couplet - forgive us our umbrellas indeed! BTW and this is true - I haven't used an umbrella in 30 years (or so). So there's that.

I can see why this won an awardicon, and why you have it featured in your port. I'd love to see England. Any suggestions? I've been all over Ireland and other parts of Europe, though.

Thanks for sharing your wonderful poem!

Amy


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of Reality's Penalty  
Review by winklett
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello! I found your poem doing a random read. I loved the strength of rhyme and meter throughout, and found myself saying it out loud just for the awesome flow of sounds. We all know what happened to Titanic, but your poem really explores the arrogance associated with its construction - I love your conclusion that "Reality enforced the law."

Great writer's cramp entry - hope it won! Thanks for sharing.

Amy


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of The Pothole Song  
Review by winklett
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello! I have to get my guitar to hear the chords, but I thought the lyrics were great - very much in the style you described. One edit - in the first and last instance of the chorus, you say "wast my day" and you obviously meant "waste."

That sweet reassurance - 'you can always come home' - touched my heart.

Thank you for sharing.

Amy


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of Jack  
Review by winklett
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello! I found your poem while looking through my fellow entrants in the
FORUM
Fantasy Unraveled  (E)
Folklore and Fairy Tales Reimagined
#2240621 by Roland King
contest forum. I think yours is my favorite so far. I like this Twilight Zone-esque take on Jack & The Beanstalk! What an interesting way to take the story in a new direction. Infinite Jacks...the mind boggles.

At first I was going to criticize all the "he did" - he did follow, he did reach, he did climb - but I think it works to create a cool meter throughout.

Edits/proofreading - In the 3rd to the last stanza, you have "The boys' did wonder" but you don't need the apostrophe after "boys."

My favorite stanza:

The door opened wide
And so did Jack's eyes

Loved the door and the eyes opening.

Thanks for sharing your poem. Good luck in the contest!

Amy


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review by winklett
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I loved your sweet story! Interesting that I found this doing a random read, for I have visited Missouri (Mansfield, where the author Laura Ingalls Wilder and her husband moved to start a farm in the later 1800s).

The only major changes I'd make are grammatical edits (mostly places where you need a comma), and the way it looks on the page (put a space between paragraphs). There are a few places where the words are redundant (you say soon twice in two lines in paragraph two). If you would like a more thorough review with proofreading edits, I'd be happy to do that for you.

I envied the experiences you and "the kid" had on the farm!

Thanks for sharing!

Amy *StarfishB*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review by winklett
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This folder needs stars!

*StarfishB*
10
10
Review of Only What I Need  
Review by winklett
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I'm glad I visited your port and just made you a favorite author. You have a talent for flash fiction, that's for sure. What I like best about your writing (from what I've read so far) is you don't attempt to wrap up the story in your limited word count. Instead, you focus carefully on characterization and motivation that you leave your reader wanting more.

At first I thought the boy was a Buddha figure - then to find out he is Death personified was chilling...and the idea of "fishing" from two perspectives was clever and works wonderfully.

Thanks for sharing!

Amy


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Day 5 - 1.17.13  
Review by winklett
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wow - there's so much here to love I don't know where to begin! So interesting how limited you were by the prompt, words not to use, words to include, etc. It makes your poem all the more impressive.

Right from the beginning, with:

Balanced on a
he said/she saw
of gymnastic proportions--

You employ such fresh, creative phrasing! It continues throughout - love that second stanza with its imagery - "more color from tatts than sun" is so pithy and descriptive.

So much metaphor throughout - and in the last stanza - "swinging in new directions, I pump and push" has both delicious sound and image.

Congrats on your awesome poem. Thanks for sharing!

Amy


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review by winklett
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Wow - a powerful story! Is it true?

You draw the reader into the mystery really effectively without wasting words on unnecessary descriptive details.

I did stumble on this sentence: This obsession spilled over to bedtime, the hooks were embedded deep, being pulled by a chain, one operated on a relentless winch.

One suggestion for an edit:

This obsession spilled over to bedtime. The hooks were embedded deep, pulled by a chain on a relentless winch.

Other than that, your sentences were clear and your story easy to read. And enjoyable! A moving tale.

Thank you for sharing.

Amy


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review by winklett
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This folder should have 5 pretty stars for effort alone - I haven't read your poems yet, but I will. I also wrote a poem a day for April, over at the "Dew Drop Inn. Thanks for sharing!

Amy
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Review of Done.  
Review by winklett
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ah, the whiners! So much fun to listen to constant complaints - not. Funny how I found this poem right after you read mine about being kind.

I hope you're not dealing with too much of this kind of thing in your personal life. It certainly is exhausting.

I love the message you impart. And although it's a choice to change oneself, change comes to those who won't as well...you can't fight the great turning wheel! Better to spend our days trying to be better people.

Thanks for sharing & have a great day!

Amy
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Review of Fantasy Unraveled  
Review by winklett
Rated: E | (5.0)
Love this inventive contest. I enjoy writing story poems & can't wait to try the Jack & the Beanstalk theme.

Thank you!

Amy
16
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Review of To May  
Review by winklett
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!
I saw your poem at the Writer's Cramp - congrats on your shared win and on accomplishing what I thought was a really difficult form.

I loved the opening "April became May" line - what an original phrase. I envisioned kind of a melting or shifting of one month into the next. Not sure how you managed to work in all that rhyme without it feeling forced, but it never does. Love how the end circles back again to May.

Thanks for sharing. Kudos!

Amy


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review by winklett
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello! I found this short story/dialogue doing a random read. I have a hard time when dialogue doesn't flow well. I know it rarely does in real life, but I want it to on the page. Yours flows *very* well. The only time I got hung up was when Tim said "heavy." Do teenagers still say that?

I also wanted to know more - which is to your credit, as you *made* me want to know more. But maybe include a few more details about the relationship between the father and Lyle. And I liked how you introduced the idea that his father is gay. It was a relief to me that Tim accepted it!

Thank you for sharing your work.

Amy


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review by winklett
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello! I found your poem doing a random read.

I liked the strong rhyme and meter in the first stanza and wanted it to continue. Your second stanza's first line breaks it, though. Maybe instead of "Rampant heartaches and hurt feelings," you could say "Rampant heartaches, feelings hurt" (which of course would require working the next line, but it solidifies that meter you've established at the beginning). If you hadn't started the poem with so strong a rhythm, it would be less noticeable when it's missing. The rest of the poem returns to that strong meter, which makes for a good flow.

I like how you take your reader through the emotions felt when writing, as well as the possible subject matter of the poetry. Love the line "poetic strokes amid distress!"

Thanks for sharing your poem about writing poetry!

Amy


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of L'aura del Campo  
Review by winklett
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
What a lovely, wonder-filled journal!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
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Review of Things Change  
Review by winklett
Rated: E | (5.0)
Great sonnet! I like the questioning, it makes the poem more personal to me. Things change indeed - it might be the only ultimate truth there is, really. Loved "I cannot strike a cord that you and I can dance to anymore." Hard to believe you came up with this so quickly. Color me impressed!
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for entry "before the storm
Review by winklett
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Terrifying! I don't suppose the narrator survives...


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
Review of Raspberry Morning  
Review by winklett
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello! I found this poem at Writer's Cramp. It looks like you've invented what I like to call a free verse form. I love it! Your poem is so full of sounds and smells, and yet it's not overfilled or forced. In pithy poetic phrases, you paint a clear picture.

I wonder who "he" is in the 3rd stanza. Is "Smile on sunshine
and let the full moon find our way" a piece of a song?

I like how the first and last stanzas take you through the cycles of each day and that the first stanza itself cycles back to the last stanza. Very cool!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
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Review of Hoar Frost  
Review by winklett
Rated: E | (5.0)
These are lovely! Each one manages to effortlessly capture clearly an image without using trite phrasing or done-to-death metaphor. I love good haiku and yours all fit the bill. The idea of winter holding spring hostage, the sounds in "one more morning" - color me impressed. Thanks for sharing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
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for entry "a memory
Review by winklett
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
full of images, tastes, smells, and feelings - in such a short poem. How cool!
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Review by winklett
Rated: E | (5.0)
I came straight to your port after reading your entry in the Dew Drop Inn. Wow! Your tiny poem was amazing. As was this, and now I'm excited to read more of your work. Methinks I've found a kindred spirit!

I love tarot too...and how you've crafted a cyclic poem with the repetition at the end. The rhythm is intoxicating and fun to read aloud, which I've done now twice. It doesn't hurt that I feel a familiarity when I read it, like I could have written it, almost. I also loved the clipped images - ex.

I read "O" magazine back to front,
stir my sauces widdershins,
Can't parallel park.

You pack so much into just a few lines. What a wonderful piece!

Thank you for sharing. I'm grateful I found your port.

Amy


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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