I really enjoyed reading this - it feels experimental...it kind of dissolves into itself like tye dye on a cotton cloth. The first stanza fools the reader into thinking it's going to be your average poem but then in the second stanza it's almost like the narrator is on the verge of passing out, or like a drug has just kicked in. It doesn't need to make sense to be a powerful poem.
I do see a few places where I think it can be tightened, but not sure what to suggest. One thing I noticed is you have lines 2 and 4 rhyming in the first two stanzas but not the third; I found myself wanting you to keep the rhyme scheme consistent. My favorite stanza is the second, esp. "soft words and bright barks."
This is great! I love how you've pulled all of nature's rain sounds together in an orchestra of sound and image. I like using music as metaphor as well. Your phrasing is fun, too: "giggling guys and gals" and "puddle-splashing songs" are two of my favorites.
My favorite stanza is:
"Loud stomping in the rain,
Earth's stage vibrates with Sky's drumbeat"
You can almost see the earth as a drum skin thrumming. Nice!
I enjoy limericks and thought yours was very cute, although it did not follow the meter.
Limericks have three beats in its first, second, and fifth lines and two beats in its third and fourth lines. Hence the famous "there ONCE was a MAN from NanTUCKet."
So instead of
I DEARly LOVE St. PATrick's DAY
Maybe something like:
I DEARly do LOVE him, St. PATrick
Your 3rd and 4th lines work beautifully, though, with 2 beats to each line, so with a little work, I think you could have an awesome limerick.
Hello! I found this in the "Invalid Item" - I am a fellow entrant.
May 1st has always been my favorite day of the year, so imagine my surprise to find this! May Day, I've discovered, has rich traditions across many cultures. I appreciated reading something of yours. I like how your first line is poetic prose. The sights and scents really come alive.
I might create a new line after "Dear May Day," to make it formatted more like the letter it is. Also after "fragrances," I think a line break would look nice.
It's refreshing to see your correct use of the word "its" -- so many people get it wrong. And we both love the Oxford comma, I see.
I came across this short story in "The Writer's Cramp" , as I too write there often. I will be honest with you - I rarely have the patience to read short stories and I find the majority of them to be poorly written, with either an avalanche of description and/or a lack of engaging plot, along with a myriad of other issues that make me lose interest.
Just imagine how pleasantly surprised I was to read yours! You tell an engaging tale with an original twist. You characters are vivid and come to life without your "pushing" them to do so. You've worked in the prompt words effortlessly, and internal thoughts add depth to motivations and fears. This is a winner and I can't wait to read more of your work!
I'm here to thank you for your reviewing one of my poems so thoughtfully by reviewing one of yours. I was happy to find and read this curious poem.
The theme of self-reflection and self-delusion is one to which all can relate, and you use vivid, original imagery throughout.
Your first stanza creates a meter that isn't carried through the rest of the poem, so I stumbled a bit, wondering if it might be a stronger poem if that weren't the case. When the beginning of a poem establishes rhyme or meter (in this case, really, both) it creates a sense of expectation of its continuance - at least, it did for me. The last line of the poem breaks the rhyme as well.
Here are my favorite lines:
Stones fall from pearly white mouths (striking, almost disturbing image!)
Waterford crystal, liquid gold, deadly worth (I love the sounds here)
Thank you for sharing this thought-provoking piece.
I came across your clever poem when reading my fellow entrants into "The Humorous Poetry Contest" . I love "the good old nights" - very unique twist! You flawlessly carry the story along with strong rhyming couplets. I have no suggestions. Excellently done. Good luck in the contest.
This is cleverly crafted and fun to read. I didn't find it humorous, but rather like a light-hearted story. It's the perfect length and the last two lines made me smile wide.
I think you've got a great start to a funny poem! I would suggest re-working the third stanza to match the rhyme scheme of the first two. The way it reads now, the poem kind of falls apart in that last stanza.
In the last line of the first stanza, I would remove the "s" from "roundhouses."
Also, in the first line of the second stanza, you want an apostrophe in the word "Its" - because you are saying "it is."
I enjoyed this poem of the cyclic seasons, even moreso when I saw how cleverly you worked the poem around to the beginning in much the same way the seasons themselves turn.
The meter is satisfyingly strong, which made me want to change these lines, as the second line breaks that strong rhythm and is grammatically strange as well:
but the spring will come and the snow will go,
Temperatures no longer be dipping low.
Anyway, I enjoyed your rhyming poem. Thank you for sharing!
Congratulations on your awardicon and prize in the "Poetic Traditions Poetry Contest " !
I enjoyed this lyrical fantasy poem. My main piece of advice, if I have any to offer, is to lengthen it. There is an epic story poem here just waiting for you to complete it. Your poem leaves me wanting to know more about Iris.
I like the repetition of "Iris, dear/shy Iris" and wonder if it should be used in all three stanzas instead of the last two, as that part feels a bit unbalanced to me.
Great imagery that doesn't feel forced or filled with 50-cent words. I saw the vivid blues and golds easily.
I enjoyed your lyrical, spiritual poem. I think so many people will relate, as its message can be applied to so many challenges. The metaphor of the mountain is not a unique one, but it's easily understood and works well here.
I noticed a typo, I think, in this stanza:
If I get up this one,
The other side could be good
And I can cruise for a time,
Live the life think I should.
I think you want "Live the life I think I should."
One other suggestion....in this stanza, the meter feels a little clunky:
They come much more often
Than walking easy does now,
I know I must climb it
But I’m not sure just how.
Maybe try something like:
They come much more often
Than sure steps allow
I know I must climb them
But I’m not sure just how.
Hello!
I love the message of your poem - but you didn't include any of the contest prompts. The only issue I have is with the assumption that a man belongs with a woman, or must be paired with another human at all (And another will become your better half human). I know many happy gay and single people who feel complete without a mate.
One edit: He disdain them as second class citizen
(Should be disdains, with an S).
Hahaha this is awesome! Very clever idea to take a journey through history. It was fun to read all the rhyme, which was in itself humorous then made moreso by your wordplay and "punchline" in each stanza. I laughed out loud at the 20th century. What a fun poem. Indeed, everybody knows that nobody knows!!
I enjoyed reading this short piece about photography. My favorite part was how you described the placement of the flowers, and how they may have come to be that way.
There are two places where I suggest you replace passive voice for active voice. When you say "The vague shape of a mountain could be seen," for instance, re-writing it to say "I saw the vague shape of a mountain" would make it active voice, which is stronger.
The second instance of this is when you write "The satisfying click could be heard." Again, you could change it to say "I hear the satisfying click."
Aside from that, there is a nice sense of peace and ease in your writing.
Wow - I loved this! A tear-shaped poem anthropomorphizing a tear - How cool. I enjoy playing with the way poetry looks on the page but I've never written anything like this. Like visual onomatopoeia! Very cool. Good advice as well from the tear, lol. Thanks for sharing. Write on!
An evocative piece, well written! I love your use of metaphor and the questions repeated to an "off-camera" subject.
In a few places, I thought the phasing and/or word choice could be improved. Here, for instance:
"right before that energy is then manifested into bursting light and everything feels beautiful and bright."
I think the sentence would be stronger without "then manifested into" so it reads more like this:
"right before that energy is bursting light and everything feels beautiful and bright."
Also, IMHO the words crepuscular and cerulean both seem too lacking in the ability to evoke an image while at the same time interrupting the flow of the piece with "50-cent words."
I love "galvanizing zen," though, and also the last line. Very effective.
You paint a great picture in verse that is not sing-song-y or trite at all. I can see why this earned an award. At first I thought this was about ghosts, but then I realized I may be reading too literally. I enjoy the ambiguity, actually, and the fact that one can read into it what one likes. Thank you for sharing your excellent poem!
Hello!
I love the overarching doomsday theme as shown through aardvark ears. A striking image. I think it might be more powerful without the similes, as metaphor rings more powerful to me....so my suggested edit would be:
Aardvark ears hear
thunder echoing;
fighter jet contrails vibrate
with Armageddon’s music
Humanity trembles:
aardvarks in burrows
when lions roar
So I'd venture to say this is one of my favorite pieces of writing in your folder. I once critiqued one of your items by telling you I didn't care about the characters or what happened to them. Here I feel the exact opposite, even slowing my reading toward the end of the epilogue to savor the way the story was pulling at my heart. Silly, I know, but true.
I think you are an excellent storyteller, especially in the genre of mythology. You're gifted at weaving tales that make me want more. More stories, more adventures, more telling of Classindra and Arestes.
And it's nice to know the stars belong to the gods and mortals alike.
I am not surprised by the fine quality of writing here, but I *am* surprised that you were resolute in your determination not to interact with your fellow cicada. Which is not to say that you didn't make the right decision; it's obvious you did!
I'm also very glad the power was on when you returned to your "pad."
Hello. Great poem, love the double meaning and the fact that your rhyme isn't sing-song-y. My favorite lines are: I cannot write a poem,
And he cannot bear a line. Thanks for sharing this!
What a lovely poem, filled with originality and interesting phrasing - I love "senses lurch!" Nice to come across you - I hit "random read" and it brought me to this beauty, which has brightened my day. Thanks.
Hello! I read your story and I'd like to give you some suggestions for edits first. I'll put them in the order they appear as I read through your story:
"Despite all this, it was probably the best story he read so far that evening."
Perhaps keep everything in present tense by changing "was" to "is"?
"Old Brittany Park" --- maybe just Brittany Park? You don't need to capitalize "old," anyway.
"It's 5,000 to 10,000 words Brittany, 5,000. Lord, her name itself smacks of banality."
I think it would be clearer if you placed all Dr. Vogel's inner thoughts in italics.
"so it has a lot of non-English major freshman and sophomores taking it just to fulfill their elective requirements."
You mean *basic curriculum* requirements, right?
"Later that day Professor Vogel takes his tray of food and makes a b-line"
I think you mean a beeline. (all one word)
"Her beige corduroy pants (corduroy no less)"
I think it would be better to say "Her beige pants (corduroy no less)"
"Ethan winces at this Brittany notes."
You just need a comma after "this."
"It’s the colleges."
I would say "It belongs to the college" - or "It's the college's."
“Lord, fine…you can have two screwdrivers."
I don't think he'd know what a screwdriver is because he didn't know you could combine vodka and orange juice.
"A lot of it is my fault too, since the feelings somewhat mutual.
You need an apostrophe in "feelings."
"Later that evening Dr. Mullins wife calls out to him,"
You need an apostrophe: Dr. Mullins' -- and same thing two lines down
"but if it is then I pray you have the commonsense..."
Should be "common sense"
You never mention what happens after he picks her up to go on the "makeover trip." Does she cut her hair, get glasses or contacts, new clothes, etc?
---
That's it for edits, and I was engaged throughout the story. I found myself hoping they get together and stay together, and that Dr. Vogel does not lose his job. But I do wish the relationship between them were based on more of a love of literature, or something they both share. Maybe her story reminds him of his favorite author?
I think the dialogue is a well-written and flows well, and I like the added concern on the part of Dr. Mullins. The "can of Pledge" comment at the end added an interesting touch of humor that made me chuckle.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.38 seconds at 1:53pm on Apr 18, 2024 via server web2.
| (4.0)
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
My favorite lines are: I cannot write a poem,