|I didn't want to rate this, because my rating would be low. The reason, the whole beginning is very boring and monotonous. Personally, I would start the story here:
I looked around the room, feeling the tension building inside me. The other's(others) seemed oblivious to the growing danger, or they just didn’t care. I watched as the middle-aged man stared intensely at the young girl. She seemed to be about 16 or 17 and was giving the man her best sexy eyes. I wanted to scream at everyone “THIS IS THE MAN THAT WAS JUST RELEASED FROM PRISON. HE WAS IN JAIL FOR COMMITTING A STRING OF GRISLY MURDERS!!! WHY IS NO ONE STOPPING HIM!!” but the words wouldn’t come out. His daughter, who was my student, had invited him, and seemed to be the only other person who was concerned about the scene unfolding in front of us. The girl coyly moved over to him and sat on his lap. In(At) that moment, an overwhelming amount of fear gripped me. An aura more evil(eviler) than I had ever experienced filled the room, with darkness engulfing the walls. A sadistic smile spread across the man’s face as he grabbed the girl.
All at once, chaos exploded in the room. Everyone burst from the room, running and screaming at the top of their lungs. I knew there was nothing I could do, except get out of that room. I made it into the parking lot before I started sobbing, fear wracking my body and immobilizing me. I heard the girl screaming and my mind filled with the images(Just "images") of what he was doing to her. Yet, the only thing I could focus on was one small thought: You are his target and that will be you next.
I bolted awake from the nightmare, still feeling the deep-seated fear that had visited me in my dream. “So much for the blissful nights sleep,” I muttered. Looking around my apartment, it suddenly felt cold and lonely. This was the one thing that I hated about living alone. I hadn’t had a nightmare in awhile(a while), and this one had been especially intense. The feelings of insecurity, dread (comma) and fear in my dream had followed me into my conscious state. My apartment that (which)usually felt cozy and endearing, now made me feel vulnerable and unprotected. I turned on a few lights, and double checked (double-checked) that the doors were locked. I snuggled my cat for a brief moment, climbed back into my bed (comma) and closed my eyes. The fear came back instantly, and my mind began replaying the nightmare. I tried unsuccessfully to redirect my mind, to focus on something pleasant, to drown out the nightmarish scene in my head. After a few minutes, I gave up and opened my eyes. The t.v. flashed on and I started flipping through Netflix. If I couldn’t get rid of the nightmare, then I would drown it out by watching every sappy chick flick I could find. After a few movies, I finally drifted off into a dreamless sleep.
Now you can start with her not wanting to get up (since her sleep was disturbed). The reader will understand immediately why she is dragging. Then I would get off the subject of how tired she is, because that just makes the reader tired, then bored. You want to keep the momentum moving and the reader engaged.
Please don't take offense to my critique of your writing. This is just my one-person opinion. I believe you have a passion for writing. I can see you greatly improve the more you write. Thank you for letting me view your creative writing.