|Brief Explanation of my rating system:
5 stars-- Perfect or as near perfect as any published book I've read. Publishable as is. I would recommend to a friend.
4 Stars-- Above Average. High quality with a few tweaks and corrections needed. I would recommend to a friend.
3 Stars-- Average. Neither good nor bad. Something anyone could write. Normal errors and problems. Left me with an "eh" shoulder shake. Not particularly motivated to read more.
2 Stars-- Below Average. I had to struggle to finish readying it. Needs many corrections and edits. Would NOT recommend to a friend.
1 Star-- Sub par. Way too many errors and issues to even finish reading. Would not recommend.
Sky's personality is touched on. His impatience, his dislike of his "curse". What I miss is knowing what he looks like. You can describe his physical appearance as he compares himself to others. As he sizes up the threats compared to his physical capability, whether the waitress is attracted to him or not, etc... There is much about Sky the reader does not know.
Sky is searching for the cure to his "curse" and to find out about how he was cursed in the first place. A little flashback or back story would be good. There are many many questions. Some questions are good to motivate a reader to keep reading, however too many make the reader feel like they are floating out in the void with nothing to focus on or latch onto.
You did catch me from the beginning. I wanted to find out where this was going. I found myself disappointed. You not only need to capture the reader's attention, you need to hold it. In order to hold my attention you need to accomplish three things: One-- Make me care about the characters, invest me in their plight or life. Two--Vary the pacing and action to direct my emotional involvement and keep me interested. Variety of pacing staves off reader boredom. Three-- give clues and direction that leads the character to the next scene or chapter. You end this chapter with Sky (and invariably the reader) learning nothing, accomplishing nothing. There must be something to spurn the next move and propel the reader to the next chapter.
Grammar & Punctuation:
...a faction whose bane almost matched Sky’s, the only he could find in the universe. Should read...the only one he could find in the universe. There are a few issues with punctuation, but not much.
Scene & Ambiance Development:
Brief description of the bar/restaurant is good. Remember to use all five senses when picturing the scene for your reader. You state it is evening, however you also say he has spent all day following the man. The fact that he used his curse six times in the evening would suggest it is very late or he's been popping his curse like a strobe light. I do not get a good view of the geography or people occupying the scene. Is this a city of mix-matched species, races, or predominately one or two species? What is the planet's name? You name the city, but not the planet. Is Sky human or humanoid? Is he from Earth? Does Earth exist in this story's universe? How did Sky get to the planet? Is it hot, cold, wet, weather? See what I mean? So many questions.
Your pacing is quick and doesn't allow you to fully develop the scene. I would suggest separating this into two chapters. Sky following the Forgotten through the area, which will allow you better descriptions of Sky and the planet. It will also let you develop a sense of time passing. Then I would make the restaurant scene the second chapter. You can expand on the characteristics of the man he's tracking which clued Sky into recognizing the guy as a Forgotten. Sky's character can better shine as you give more glimpses of him and his personality evaluating and interacting with person's in the restaurant.
Why is the firedancer there? Is he a thief? An Assassin? This should be answered so the reader is not distracted or confused.
There isn't much dialogue here. What is said seems appropriate.
Overall Thoughts and Suggestions:
I like the plot as it is suggested. I think I can like Sky. There was enough in the beginning to catch my attention and keep me reading to answer the questions that popped into my head. I was disappointed that almost all of my questions were unanswered and I had no reason to continue reading, if there was a chapter two. I did like the last line of the bell ring. Good touch. The weakness of story-line and pacing throw me off. If you strengthen those I feel it would easily score 4 stars.
Hope this helps.