Just stopping in to return the favor of the review you gave me. I really liked this story! I also like the "happy" ending where he reconciles with his Dad. I think we've all been there a time or two as a kid! The dad playing Santa made me laugh. Overall it was well written and an enjoyable read.
Write on!
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What a great story! I am amazed by the way you thought on your feet and got the entire party set up in such a short amount of time. It seems, though, with this little one, you may have to do this quite a bit! :-0 I can honestly say that if I were in charge of such an affair... I do not thinnk it would have turned out near as well! Excellent story!
Write on!
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Very well-thought out argument. Although the point of my review is not to critique your idea, I must admit that the legal process is somewhat less than efficient or effective at times. In any event, I think you have presented your argument well and proposed a solution that you see as fitting to the problem. I especially liked this idea: "However, you are not supposed to look to the justice system for help, you are supposed to look to the justice system for justice." You make a great point there! This was a very interesting piece!
Write on!
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Great story about the pressures of the "Great American Game"! Your character came through very well - all of his hopes and dreams - as well as the fact that he knew it was all on his shoulders. Very good piece. My only bit of constructive criticism would be that you change tenses several times throughout the piece, from past to present. Other than that, it was a great read! I don't think people often think about the feelings and thoughts of the players and the stress they are under.
Write on!
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I have to say that I truly enjoyed this piece! Although the sadness rings throughout, my love for the Great Lakes that border Wisconsin, where I live, make this story a true tale for me, and one that fulfills on some level. I am an avid.... I wouldn't say "fan", but I don't have another word for it at this point... but I read so many tales of shipwrecks and loved ones who have lost to the sea... this is a chilling tale and, at the same time, one that gives finality to characters who have not had that peace. To me, this is an amazing story. Thank you so much for sharing!
Write on!
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Don't ever think that you are alone in feeling this way! I think you are far from it. Here's an idea. Create a character that is you (but without any characteristics you wish you didn't have - I have quite a few, so I tend to leave those out in my "me" character, and just make them "really cool", if you will.) Once you have created that character and written with that character for sometime, you will find your own advice in the things they say. I know it might sound goofy, but it's a pretty cool way to help yourself learn what is right for you and what you would do if you were your "prefect you." I think writers, by nature, open up to a blank screen or blank piece of paper more than they do to other people... and a character may be exactly what you need. If you give good advice often, maybe a character that is somewhat like you could have conversations with you that will help you work things through. It's just a thought.... but it's an idea!
Great story! You portrayed the killer as a very unlikable individual from the very beginning of the story. You also showed Rick's unending love for his mother, despite the fact that they had fought. I think this story, above all, makes the reader stop and think about how they interact with those who are nearest and dearest to them. Even in death, Rick wondered about his mother's fate. The angel was a great twist, and one that I did not see coming. At first I thought the whole thing was a dream to him... but you really surprised me with the angel! Thanks for the great read!
Write on!
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This was an inspirational story of healing. It seems that, for those who have lost someone, the holidays can be such a difficult time. The fact that the person was off the ventilator, and saw "someone" standing behind his bed... such a wonderful sentiment. Thank you for sharing this lovely poem!
Write on!
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Wow. I don't know what to say... except this version of the popular song really puts things into perspective for those of us at home for the holidays. Thanks for bringing the tragedy of war to light - and for reminding us all that, no matter what may happen to dampen our spirits during the holidays, that it could be a lot worse. I think sometimes we all get stuck in our own lives and don't look at things that are happening to others around the world. This was a great entry. Good luck in the contest and Write on!
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Great piece of flash fiction. You've caught so much about her situation in so few words! It's obvious she is having what he sees as a weight problem... If he's giving her gym memberships and Dexatrim, I would think maybe he's part of the problem rather than the solution? Just one reader's analysis. Great piece of writing.
Write On!
I thought this was a very good story. I did suspect something like this when the lawyer called and then she ran into the man in the hat again, though. I like the fact that there is a "moral" to the story about earning what you have... Imagine what kind of problems she would have gotten involved in if she had fallen for the "ambulance chaser!" Thanks for the great read. Write on!
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What an awesome piece! Just as it seems the end of the enemy is at hand, and the entire Earth will be saved from all things evil... Dad needs his toolbox back! You did an excellent job building suspense in such a short piece of writing. Your last line made me laugh out loud. I can remember being a kid and being in the same kind of situations. Great story and Write on!
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This was awesome! I laughed throughout the entire piece! Your sense of humor may not be one that everyone shares, but I definitely do. You have shown that other, equally ridiculous plans are out there, and through that, have shown (as I believe as well), that this plan is nothing more than "blowing smoke." If you write another about an alternative to bailing out the auto industry (the stodgy, cement bureaucracy that it is)... I'd love to read that one as well. Thanks for sharing and Write On!
Hi Joy! I think you have a good start here. As we've talked about before, yes, you do have a tendency for run-on sentences. That's not the end of the world. We can work on that! I really like your story idea, and the fact that you have a solid starting point, and a story to tell makes it great! We can work on this piece, and any others that you like. The fact that you took the step to enter a contest shows that you have faith in yourself and that you know you have stories to tell. This may even be something that you can turn into a larger story, which is also something that we talked about, so that's cool! I'l get in touch with you again Thursday and we'll hash out what is right and wrong with this story, and we'll start to get you more involved in the site and meeting other writers and learning from them as well. I'm so glad that you have the confidence to put your writing out there for people to see! Many newbies are not so bold, and I think it's great that you are!
Write on!
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Great story! I laughed so hard during Randy's phone call! As soon as you said, "He missed Sharon's reply," my instinct was to say, "Oh no!" I have a Rate Terrier who is animated (and sometimes cat like) and cause havoc at his own free will, so I knew something disastrous was to come! The idea that Randy still thought about the candlelit dinner at the end was great, too. When you own animals, it seems like, at times, you think you have the best plan in the world... but they are really in control! Thanks for the laughs and Write on!
You've said so much in so few words! I sat and thought for a while after reading this piece... what if my grandmother had written down all of the stories of her life and I could look back on them... or any of my grandparents. Of course, at the time, they may not know that these were stories I would have even been interested in. Of course, things like coming to America from Finland (on one side) and my great grandparents coming from Europe (on the other side) would be of note... but just stories of day to day life and such would be just as wonderful to me. To have something like what you described here would be the most amazing gift! Thank you for fueling my fire once again. Write on!
This is a very good story about two champions and friends who obviously worked very hard to achieve their goals (no pun intended). I especially enjoyed the ending, with the two of you hoisting the cup together. My only critique would be that I think it would have been good to have some description of the last game... or the last seconds when you pulled off the victory... something more leading up to the hoisting of the cup to build suspense would make this story even better, in my opinion. Great work! Write on!
I think you have a great set up here for a good story. You have worked out the back story very well. I did notice a few things, though they are minor, I thought I would mention them. The characters you first call "Necromancers," I believe, at later referred to as "Nethermancers." At least it was my understanding that they are the same. Another sentence, "Is it something dangerous, you wander hectically?" was somewhat odd when I read it. I'm thinking you wanted to use the word "wonder" rather than wander.. but I'm not sure hectically is the best choice here. That's up to you, of course, but it seemed unnatural to wonder hectically... frantically, maybe? I also noticed you used the word "towards", which, I don't think, is truly a word... one moves toward something, not towards. There were a few small detail such as this, but overall, your piece seemed gramatically sound. There were tense shifts, but I saw the reasoning in the timeline of the separate parts.
Overall, I think this piece has great possibilities. You seem to have thought through every detail of the back story including the elements that can be used to destroy the Nether Magic. Your reference to faith quickly withering away was interesting as well. I would guess that would play a large part in the overall story... faith overcoming evil? At any rate, I truly thought this piece had a lot of merit. I just happened by it in "Read a Newbie," and I'm glad I did. Thanks for sharing and Write On!
I enjoyed this story greatly. It was humorous throughout. I think it takes a sense of humor to run three boys to year-round practices and still be able to sit upright and take nourishment at the end of the day! Even with your husband away, you continue this daily regimen. I enjoyed this glimpse into the life of a baseball/football/wrestling mom! Write on!
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I enjoyed the ending of this piece. It gave me pause to stop and think about things... What will I write on my slate? You speak about having written on yours, then wiping it clean, but knowing it will start again, and I think that is a feeling that many people have, but cannot express as well as you have here. Thanks for sharing this poem. I think it's very good! Write on!
Excellent twist at the end! I believe you captured the pulse of the area at the time well, even though it was an aside to the love story. I truly thought, right to the end, that you had never seen the man again. Overall I thought this was a very good piece and, as I said, enjoyed the twist at the end. Thank you for sharing!
This was an awesome piece. I liked the way that you used different formats for each day and stuck to them precisely. Each segment made me laugh harder than the one before. You seem to be a very talented poet - and your sense of humor is excellent as well! Write on!
Great piece of writing! I enjoyed the read. You have said so much about the person you wrote this for, and truly said little about the person. I've never really thought of a personality as a mix of flavors, but I will from now on. Very thought provoking! Thanks for sharing. Write on!
Thanks for all of the great tips! I've been a member of WDC for a while, but, because of college, I didn't have as much time as I wanted to really do a lot on the site. I've been writing a lot more lately and I've met a lot of great people here. This was a great article for me and I think it would really help anyone just getting to know the site. There's so much do to, see, and read! Thanks again for the pointers!
I think my the best description of my thoughts on reading this is "WOW!" The reader can think and feel so much about this character in such a short time. You have done an excellent job so far... and I'd love to read more! You have truly made every word count. I think this is a story that begs to be written, and I hope you add more to it.
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I really liked this story! I also like the "happy" ending where he reconciles with his Dad. I think we've all been there a time or two as a kid! The dad playing Santa made me laugh. Overall it was well written and an enjoyable read.
