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46 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Pen  
Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (3.5)
Not a bad first poem. There are a few lines that are weaker than others:
The lines "My power is the pen" and "His weakness is his pen" do not go well with "Her pen was hers." What is the relationship (weakness, strength, etc) between her and the pen? Perhaps "Her happiness is her pen." The lines "He lost his pen" and "He could not find his pen" are redundant (they say the same thing). The poem begins with a pen, but no known owner. Where did this pen come from and whose is it? Perhaps if you put "He" paragraph first and "My" paragraph second, you can imply the pen was his. But then it weakens the first line of the last paragraph, "She found her pen." Just a few thoughts. Keep writing.
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Review of I am here now.  
Review by K. Ray
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Just a few minor edits I noticed that your poem could use:
First stanza - I care about how your thoughts -- incomplete thought
Third stanza - Without even sure you're mine - incomplete thought

The feeling of the poem is passionate. It seems to represent the feeling one has when the inexperienced stumbles through a relationship. You just do the best you can, holding on to one another even when you don't know all the right things to say or ways to comfort the other in times of stress or distress. I don't know what the line "I did this to you" refers to, but regardless the character is still trying to hold on and make the relationship work. Those feelings may not be what you're trying to convey, but they are what I read here in the language.

The rhyming pattern is consistent, except the last lines, which stand out because of the unrhyming -- it works well.

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Review of Once a Full Moon  
Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well done. I wonder though if you should say beau instead of bow -- I assume you considered this already, but the line would make more sense if you said beau even though it is not directly applicable to arrows in the next line. The piece reminds me of a dark version of some fairy tale. The rhyming scheme works well. My favorite stanza is the second.
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Review of RAINING RAINBOWS  
Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (4.5)
Fun poem. Appropriate language for the childlike splashing and giggling of the girl. The line breaks seem odd. I would expect a break after "abound" and "around" and "ground" rather than "puddles," ending with a couplet, since the rhyming of those lines flow well in the narration. My favorite line is "green boots splash green puddles" because it's a color not mentioned in the first line and because it feels like the crux of the poem, where the colors and action collide.
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Review of Otherworldly  
Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (4.0)
The first two lines here are my favorite - the details are endearing. The next two lines are my second-favorite. I might change one thing: you already mention that the character is from Pluto in the second stanza, so perhaps in the fourth stanza you could just say "You are no more abnormal than the rest of us/ But your legs are uneven because / Your home is smaller" or if you want to reiterate the alien-aspect, You could do the same thing except ".... Pluto is smaller." This way you're not coming right out and telling "you are from Pluto" and the reader will still get it. The third stanza... I don't understand the line "your / feet are turned because they're not / walking home," so that might be reworked as well. Overall I can definitely feel the emotion of the character through the way the alien is described.
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Review of King  
Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (4.0)
Inspirational, indeed. Simple poem, but for what it is you've relayed the message well. I am curious what song inspired it. You could expand the poem, maybe put it into a rhyming scheme with each line you have here as the beginning of a stanza. Just a thought.
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Review of Going Quietly  
Review by K. Ray
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Great work. I visualize the characters and action, the details are concrete. I like the language: blackened tributes, sardined themselves, dual silhouette, iridescent ripples.... Two lines feel odd to me as a reader. The train whistle: "it could not silence the natural ambiance." Besides "ambience" being mispelled, the whistle would not, it would seem, "silence." The other line: "there was nowhere to go." The vagueness of why their last night is this night is purposeful, but this line has the connotation of remaining together. If there's nowhere to go, then why are they parting? I don't know if I explain the feeling I get as a reader well, but hopefully you see it when you reread. I really enjoyed the scene overall.
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Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love this! It's so simple, but something about it speaks to me. It's a half-full/half-empty perspective on the fact that there will always be something to write about, yet everything's already been subjected, and you're not going to be the best or the worst there ever was or will be.
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Review by K. Ray
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Great little scene. The suspenseful part where Tam is wrenched into the foxhole was pleasantly surprising. The accent of the characters is fun, and as I am dropped into the middle of a foxhunt I am immediately drawn into the action of the story. My only wonder is the significance of the numerology at the beginning of the story: is it necessary? Perhaps instead of highlight it so prominently, only hint at it by including the number in the hunting party and starting with that line: There were three...
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Review of Courage  
Review by K. Ray
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
So sad! The imagery of blood on the ice is immediately captivating, then the fact that it was caused by loved ones is heartbreaking. I didn't expect the character to die! I might move the page-break to after the line ending in misery, so that the good images of sanctuary are in one place and the negative images of misery are in another. Starting with the But here would be beginning with hope.
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Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (5.0)
I compared this to the biblical passages you draw from and I am impressed with the ability to tell the story accurately and still keep the lines of equal length and maintain a rhyming scheme. Do this with the entire set of scriptures and you'll have a best-seller on your hands. *Smile*
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Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (5.0)
First read: Jealous. I'm jealous. These are great characters neatly introduced and fully described through minimal action and I'm so entranced I didn't read critically and have nothing to offer.

Second read: I'm thoroughly reading now. In paragraph 5 it reads "feel" but you mean "feet," uncaught by spellchecker, and in paragraph 12 (beginning with "Eat what's in the bowl") it reads "squeezed his knew," instead of "knee." There are many lines of description I enjoy here, such as "the remaining flakes took on a salty, snotty taste." The dialogue is nearly absent of the word "said," and that says a lot about the skill you have. The back-and-forth attention span of the six-year-old between the speaking characters and his breakfast is also great. I look forward to continuing the story.
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Review of Freedom  
Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (4.5)
Great little scene here. The narrator is well-described. His attitude toward the town, and toward Frank, is an interesting set-up for whatever is to come. The little details are what I like best in a story -- bothering to notice 'in memory of Eileen," for example. The end line is a little confusing -- "that" should have been a wake up call -- what is "that"? I suppose though that this would be tied together with the next part of the story, but I don't see anything in the description of Frank or Mrs. Dalwhinnie that would warrant such a "wake up call."
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Review of Autumnal Surge  
Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (5.0)
Interesting personification of a leaf without ever naming it. The first two lines I noticed a technical detail that might be changed: "one fallen" is singular while "former selves" isn't. My favorite detail is one word: "floored," used well to describe the final inevitable drop onto the carpet after the fall.
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Review by K. Ray
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I have experience with a loved one in a nursing home, though not for this affliction. It is a lonely place and sad for anyone to visit, let alone reside. The poem is straight-forward and describes the character well. My only suggestion is to remove "my" when you write "Mother" as it would give the word "Mother" a title of endearment and respect instead of description of relationship.
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Review by K. Ray
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This feels a bit like the first part to the girl who has the vision that reconnects her with her purpose and motivates her to continue. I enjoy the description here very much. The finality of the girls ending is sad. It is clearly an allegory to self-doubt and depression. The woods seem to represent her own mind, retreating inward. Great work here.
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Review of A Journey Begun  
Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting short story. One weak part is the transition between past and present tense: she got up, she noticed, the bridge seemed to lead, she gets to the bridge, she stands in awe, she stepped through.... I think the breakdown first happens when she "got up" from her knees and "noticed" the bridge. After that, the tense is mostly in the past -- she turned, she found herself, she was greeted.... so fix this and the story will be better. Also, the transition from the vision to "still in the woods" could be better if you describe the character in the woods before she has the vision. Just a few suggestions, but I hope they help. Good work.
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Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (4.0)
Simple poem. The feeling is conveyed well, but its simplicity is also its weakness. I would like to see these lines as the first or last lines of more complete stanzas that describe the virtues or give experience of the narrator that would convince me that gathering these stones is important. As it is, the poem is a call to action with no motivation.
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Review of Wanderer  
Review by K. Ray
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Great take on the search for love. The wanderer is very concretely imagined here and my favorite lines are: "Through every blackened cloud you try to find the furtive white moonlight /
You even hear a gentle lilt In the soundless stirring of the wind..." and the hopeful optimism but sad false illusion of "your lover lives close by," as if right around the corner but ever out of sight.
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Review of The Trip  
Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (5.0)
Good detail of an obscure object. One part that might be improved is when the flap opens and the shape disappears, because:
a) the shape disappeared, but not before...I saw the shape disappear inside -- this seems weirdly worded
b) what flap? I am not familiar with aircraft construction, but what flap leads inside the plane near joint between body and wing? At first, I thought perhaps it had disappeared into some portal that had opened up.
The end line is great, since now I wonder why the creature was so focused on that one suitcase and am intrigued as a reader.
Overall, I enjoyed the read.
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Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (5.0)
Such a personal account is hard for me to critique, but I have a few suggestions to help convey the power of the emotion to the reader by taking away some of the stumbling blocks I found in reading it. I freely edited this as I would have edited it if it was my own, so feel free to take anything I say with more than a grain of salt. The writing, as you have written it, conveys it well, and I rated you 5 stars for that reason, but the prose has room for improvement :

I have come to the realization that missing someone can be on YOUR mind 24/7. You can really miss someone so much that all you can think about is that person. Missing someone TAKES a huge toll on you because you don't know whether or not to talk to that person SINCE (already used because) they might not want to talk to you back. They MIGHT just not want to associate with you anymore and it can be hard sometimes.
Take love for example. You are with someone for quite a while and you fall in love with them and WHETHER they SAY it back or not, you still have that deep feeling of love towards them and no matter how you go about it they are always on your mind. I fell in love with someone that I deeply cared about and I truly loved, but things ended badly. To this day, I am missing her more and more even though I shouldn't, and I should move on but she was the one that I gave my love to and she had the key to my heart. Missing someone is hard. You may end up talking to that person again and they may have changed a lot since you knew them.
Sometimes you may wonder why you miss them. But then there is always that one thought or that one feeling that is always there to REMIND you why. Missing someone you love is one of the hardest feelings to overcome because you gave your heart to them and you confessed your love to them, but things didn't work out, for whatever reason, and you still end up wanting to talk to them.
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Review of A 'Choice'  
Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (5.0)
Great read. I only have two suggestions, minor ones. The last stanza should, in my opinion, begin: Wanting to find light.... And, the second stanza should be capitalized, since the others begin with capitalization. I enjoy the specific stomach stillness of the first paragraph to describe happiness, and overall the emotion is well-conveyed. Good job.
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Review of In a Day  
Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (5.0)
The way this poem fits into the form is amazing. It is subtle, so much so that when I read the concluding explanation I had to re-read the poem to experience it all over again. First stanza, third line: did you mean encode instead of decode? I can imagine the narrator in this section imposing her emotion onto the world. Second stanza, first line, not sure a comma is necessary here: 'seedlings, today'. The descriptor 'iffy reign of the mid-day world' is well-done. Fourth stanza, third line: the word 'to' makes the sentence incomplete, or at least odd. I'd remove it. In the same stanza, the word today is again offset by a comma, but at this point perhaps it is just style and fine. I have no other suggestions. This poem is so descriptive and as a reader I am taken on an emotional ride that is so well-done. You deserve an award for this.
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Review of Winter - Part 6  
Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (4.5)
I have NOT read any of the other sections. I offer my review based solely on reading this part, so keep that in mind. I mark changes/critiques/comments with parenthesis.

only new information is that whoever is planning to exterminate us(no comma) mistakenly thinks that you are our leader and you have fire powers (perhaps give the fire-powers a name and use it as a noun here, such as Pyrokenesis, but obviously different if the term doesn't apply). The rest we already knew, so I'm going back to sleep."

Luke shrugged at me with wide eyes(no comma) and I turned around to walk stiffly back to my seat. He might have been the one that took over in Petram's absence, but our family had fallen apart. He would learn soon enough who was in charge. I spent the plane ride on my computer, reading articles that I had downloaded back in New York for other missions. They detailed some of the more populated (D)ownworlder(')s hangouts. Now that I knew where our information was spreading from, I would be investigating some of the sources. (Several places caught my attention.) (A coffeehouse) (serviced) by fairies, and a whore house that catered to those who had a taste for empusa women. One place () seemed to host a mix of MMA and dog fights. It (appeared to be) a small bar, but (in) the (hidden) basement Werewolves fought for the entertainment of a seedy assortment of monsters. The basement spanned under multiple properties around the original building and I thought it sounded like a perfect place (to start looking.)

By the time the flight landed, I had a cohesive plan laid out clearly in my mind, (I had decided) what I was going to wear(,) and (had) an email() typed out and ready to be sent to a personal shopper to get clothes for Will. It was kind of off topic, but I figured he would need more clothes than the ones he had on. We got off the plane and went through baggage claim. Will was much more amiable now that (he'd) had a chance to sleep(,) but that wasn't saying much. He was still uncomfortable with the amount of people around us, which was completely understandable. I remembered being jumpy and anxious for months in public after living as an animal for ten years, (so) he was doing remarkably well after five hundred and (when we got in the taxi) he relaxed considerably.

Amber greeted us in the lobby, throwing herself at Luke and covering his face in kisses. He swung her around, never taking his eyes off her face. Bored, I watched them for a while before realizing I didn't have to stay. I got into the elevator and turned to see Will hurrying past the happy couple, with a look of slight disgust (on) his face(.) (He) joined me in the elevator. At first, he was puzzled about the size of the elevator and why they would include such a small room in the building. I explained that it was basically a box that moved up and down to different floors on a pulley system. (--- didn't he feel the upward/downward movement?)

We rode silently in the elevator(,) which was honestly more unpleasant than if we had spoken. Tension accumulated between us until it was taut enough to cut with a knife (CLICHE!). I was sure that my face had becom(e) an alarming shade of red, but luckily Will was looking at anything but me.

()When we got to the apartment, (I) climbed onto the counter next to the fridge.

"What in god's name are you doing?" Will asked as I stretched up, fishing around the top of the fridge.

"I am trying to find the key I left up here." I turned my head to reach farther and finally felt my fingers brush the keys. I grabbed them and jumped lightly down, "I do not trust that girl in the lobby. Luke can say anything he wants, but there is no way I was going to let her have free reign in my house." (I might put more concrete details throughout this story, such as a cough when dust filters down from the fridge).

I lead him down the residential hall and unlocked the door across the hall from me. Will was less than interested in the room, so I showed him around the kitchen, living room, and my rarely used movie room. Will nodded politely through the tour, but was overall lackluster in his response. That is until we got to the gym.

"So that is all for this building," I smothered a smug grin.

"How can there possibly be more?" He responded. He seemed tired and if he was still a wolf, his tail would be flicking with irritation and I could see he could not wait for the tour to end. Still, I was amazed that he kept himself in check this much.

I led him back towards the bedrooms and through the bridge. When I opened the door, I watched as the irritation and boredom faded to be replaced with interest and admiration. As I showed him the equipment that my training rooms boasted, he asked genuine questions that I was more than happy to answer. By the time that we got to the last room, one with springs in the floor that I used to practice tumbling and acrobatics, Will was animated and both of us were at ease talking about the things that came naturally to us. Will walked around tentatively, not liking the way that the floor moved under him.

"Is it safe?" He asked. He knelt down to touch the floor.

"Of course. It is just a bit less solid than you are used to. Watch!" I commanded, and shooed him to the side of the room. He looked a bit skeptical as I prepared to do a run across the room. I was planning to do a round off onto a back tuck or a hand spring, basic stuff, but I was tired from the last couple of days and didn't feel like doing anything else. I got a running start and went into the round off. Just as I was jumping into the back tuck, I was unceremoniously plucked from the air.

"What the hell man?" I yelled as Will set me down on the ground again.

"You don't know (how to) do that kind of thing. You would have hurt yourself!" He exclaimed. Will glowered down at me, no doubt remembering when he had tried to teach me to do something similar. He himself was very proficient in the field of gymnastics due to his extensive training with the hunters. He had tried to teach me some of the basic skills when I was younger, but I hadn't paid much attention so I had had hurt myself multiple times during the short session. I didn't understand why he said this now though. I had had more than enough time to learn the tricks and skills that he taught about and much more.

"Of course I know how to do this kind of thing." I told him with a slight amount of irritation. "I know how hard I need to push off and the amount of air I need to make the jump. There was no reason to stop it. I could probably do even better than you, especially since you haven't done this in over a century."

Will rubbed his chin and took a step back, "Is that so(,) Dove?"

I nodded, catching the challenge in his voice. We went to opposite sides of the room and removed our shoes. I could feel adrenaline running through my body as I planned my passes. I would start with the most basic stuff and work my way through the harder skills. Meanwhile, Will looked the most excited I had seen him since we got to New York.

"The rules are simple." Rolled my shoulders before continuing, "Whoever lasts the longest with the most difficult skills will win this little game. Prepare to lose."

Compared to my constant movement, Will was deadly still, (legs slightly bent). He kept his eyes trained on me as I told him the rules(). He did not think he was going to lose and I knew it. He was always the best at anything physical that he attempted, but he had no idea the amount of muscle and skill that paranoia and constant practice could produce. Take that(,) world!

I ran first, jumping hard and taking time to hit my body positions so that every little movement looked sharp and precise. I stuck the landing with my hands (by) my side instead of keeping them up for balance. I straightened and turned to him nonchalantly. His jaw was now set and his eyes slightly wider than they were earlier. That was certainly not what he had expected. It was his turn though so he quickly wiped that expression off his face and focused on the task at hand. He was strong in his pass, but he didn't get as much air as he could have and his movements were a bit sloppy. (Nevertheless,) he stuck the landing and turned back to me. He was still good. Very good, and if he got a bit more practice(no comma) he would probably be right back to top form again. Luckily, I like a challenge.

"You are better than I thought(, Dove)," he admitted, "but that doesn't mean you are going to beat me anytime soon. Even when I'm rusty."

After that, the competition became more heated. We flew across the room, flipping and trying different ways to defy gravity. We goaded each other and insulted each other's form over the slightest of thing. This brand of arguing felt different than in Yellowstone though. It didn't get out of control, nor did either of us actually get angry. It felt more like a harsher version of the repartee we used to share. Will started slowing down and getting out of breath around the two-hour mark. I wasn't feeling too bad, in fact I was feeling energized. -- (I don't know why, but this is my favorite paragraph of the section.)

"Ready to tap out(,) wolf boy?" I asked grinning. ()

"You wish!" (Will) growled between breaths. (He) scowled and shook his head as if there was an invisible insect flying around it. "Where did you even learn how to do this s***?"

I laughed and shrugged as he straightened out painfully, "Trial and error(,) bub. Pain is the best teacher and (I'm) a fairly good student."

Will didn't respond so I just went to the next part of the challenge, "Can you match this? I'm going to flip over you while you are standing up. For you to match it, you have to flip over something that is the same number of inches taller than you that you are taller than me."

Now he had me by over a foot, so this was something I was not a hundred percent sure that I could do. Will looked skeptical as well, which made me even more determined to (succeed). He straightened up () and I moved to the farthest end of the room from him. I psyched myself up and felt energy flow through my limbs. I ran towards him and pushed off as hard as I could. I rocketed higher than I expected and almost didn't tuck to roll my body in time. As I landed, I smelled something burning. I looked at the path I ran and discovered blackened footprints in the mat with smoke still curling off of them.

My cheeks reddened and I turned to apologize, seeing that Will was angry again. I knew Luke got uncomfortable and freaked out when things burned on accident and I always felt bad

--- overall great work. I enjoyed the read. It seems you're not at the point where minor editing has been done for punctuation and the like so I took the time to indicate where it might be best, but there weren't many suggestions so far. My biggest critique is lack of detail, but that could be considered a personal style. I think most scenes are best with less words and more details. Again, good job.
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Review of Life  
Review by K. Ray
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Whew. Dark, indeed. :) Good poem though. It's a little rough, but the emotion and intent is perfectly clear. I made a few suggestions/edits below, but I really enjoyed the read overall:

...
So bring on the (hearse) // This painful rape(.) // In this impossible game of chess(.)
...
People lie to you
()Betray you
()Kill you without knowing.
...
(Circumstances) Destroy us
-- in this line I might find something specific to lament and break the line as I have here.
No matter how much we plead?
..
Hath thou come to free (thee) from (thy) chains? -- thee and thy seem misplaced -- to whom is the thee referring? Death? Perhaps: "Hath thou come to break free from thy chains?" Except, in the next line it is 'thy chains' that suffocate, so... "Hath thou come to free Me from thy chains?" Not sure.
...
Thou shalt destroy (thine) enemies.
...
() To make everyone burn.
(To) Destroy those who only hurt
...
(It) Laugh(s) while they crumble and fall apart ('fall apart' is redundant where 'crumble' describes)
See(s) your broken pieces and spread(s) them everywhere (you might condense 'spreads them everywhere' to 'scatters')
...
(It) Locks up the keys to thy chains that suffocate thou.
...
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