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330 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I take reviews to the classroom level. Spelling, grammar, punctuation, word usage, sentence structure, and so forth.
I'm good at...
Proofreading and editing. There is little I miss.
Favorite Genres
Mystery, crime, ghost,
Least Favorite Genres
Vulgar stories, poetry, fantasy,
Favorite Item Types
Item types?
Least Favorite Item Types
Item types?
I will not review...
Poetry. I suck at poetry, so I am not qualified to review it. Also, I will not read and review vulgar, offensive sexual stories. I mean, if it is X-rated it ain't my cup of tea.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Writers_Cramp
In affiliation with Nonfiction Writers United (NWU)  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello. Read your resolutions & want to give a review of it.

Most of the problems with the piece fall under the category of punctuation. Particularly commas. Commas are just little ticks, but they are powerful little ticks. They are used in so many ways, so in order to understand them, one has to study how to use them.

You have good resolutions for 2011. I wonder how many you kept. *Smile*

So, let's go through your composition.


**************************

To begin with comma - introductory clause my main resolution is to excel more in college. Previously I was not fully committed to my school work. I let other things get in the way of better grades; < incorrect use of a semicolon particularly video games. Part of my plan to achieve my scholastic goal is to devote the time I use to play games for studying. Likewisecomma - introductory clause I will try to sacrifice my leisure time and study thencomma as well. I will also make sure I don't burn myself out. I'll pay more attention in class and always take notes even when I look around and see no one else is. Another school related school-related <hyphenated goal I have is to eventually take on three classes as I have only ever had two classes at a time.

What follows a semicolon MUST BE a complete sentence. Not a partial sentence.

You should use a dictionary when you write. If you don't have one handy, here is where you can get one for free. Have a tab opened to >> dictionary.com << when you write. It comes with a thesaurus, too, and they are both free. That way, if you have any question at all about what a word means, how to spell it, or if it is hyphenated, you have a dictionary right there with you. The thesaurus gives you synonyms and antonyms.


A second goal is to get out of my shell and socialize more. The primary venue will most likely be in school. I've been going to college for a long periodcomma - compound sentence and I haven't made any friends in all that time. I also want to get involved in more church events and activities. I've always been a shy person but that is no excuse. In order to accomplish thiscomma - introductory clause I will simply have to suck it up and come out cold turkey. The real situation with my socializing is that once I've started a conversation and broken the ice, it's easy to talk. I also plan to verbally interact with my best friend more.

My third goal is to be a better steward with my money. By thiscomma - introductory clause I mean making wiser choices particularly with saving. I will not waste it on fast food, Starbucks and video game rentals. I also want to be a good steward by faithfully giving to good causes like church and my favorite Christian radio station KSOS. This resolution is the most pressing because the programs on it are purely listener supported listener-supported<< hyphenated and they are in a deficit. One final thing that would be good is to spend money on others. This goal will be the easiest to keep up on with for me.

My next thing I want to do is to be faithful to go on WDC for at least thirty minutes to an hour every day or so when school starts up. I’ll have to keep up with my studying to do this. I also have long term WDC planscomma as well. I want to make sure I keep up with my Anniversary Reviews and make the a minimum of fifteen a month but hopefully more. I’ll do this by simply doing one or two reviews everyday every day. I want to do wore writingcomma too. Recentlycomma - introductory clause I've just been reviewing. This time around I plan to enter into more contests that will incur << look this word up in a dictionary inspire me to write. I’ll write with less or no mistakes by re-reading my material-something I haven’t done much of. Another WDC plan is to put more variety into my portfolio- namely things such as poetry, fantasy short stories, sci-fi short stories, a personal journal, comedy pieces, essays of various topics , < delete extra space and screenplays.

There << wrong word They're also simple goals I’m interested in. I want to go to the gym regularly instead every so often. Along with that I’ll push myself harder while working out; << incorrect use of a semicolon especially on my cardiovascular (running/walking) exercises. To touch up on a previous point of resolution, I want to get to know some people in the gymcomma too. I want to keep up with house work housework one word and not procrastinatecomma which usually leads to the total neglect of chores. Finallycomma I will have a more positive outlook on life, not focus on my anxiety problem, to be a good Christian witness to my cousin who recently moved in with my family, and lastly to just enjoy all of my material and social blessings and to be thankful for them.

*************************
The two things you need to focus on is using a dictionary and commas. A dictionary would have prevented the wrong words and hyphenation.

Commas are very, very important in writing. They can be used in so many ways. They can also completely mess up a sentence if not used or not used correctly.

Let's eat Mom.
Let's eat, Mom.


As you can see, that ONE comma COMPLETELY changes that sentence.

There are two parts to writing:

1. the story
2. the mechanics

The mechanics include punctuation, grammar, sentence structure, spelling, etc., and etc. You can have a good story but completely mess it up with bad mechanics.

I am a former newspaper reporter and come to wdc to help people with their writing skills.

I hope this review is helpful for you.

Good luck.




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review by Writers_Cramp
In affiliation with Nonfiction Writers United (NWU)  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello.

I am a former newspaper reporter and come to wdc to help people with their writing skills. With that said, I offer you this review from a professional writer. I hope you find some value in this review.

*************************

There are two parts to writing:

the story
the mechanics


The mechanics include grammar, punctuation, formatting, style, spelling, etc., and etc. It is in the mechanics where you need some help.

As your story is formatted now, it is VERY difficult to determine: where are the paragraphs? It is just one huge block of text. This makes it very difficult to read for many. Online, you need to add a blank line between paragraphs.

**************************


As the last day made its appearance faster than I could have imagined, I had completely taken advantage of being in LA these past four days, and I wish it wouldn't have gone so fast. The sun began to rise, little rays peaking << wrong word - use a dictionary peeking through the curtains telling me it is time to wake up. I glance at my watch which reads 6:45 am. I have exactly nine hours before my flight leaves back to Utah, and this whole trip becomes a dream. end of paragraph

There are 3 reasons to start a new paragraph:

1. the subject changes
2. the speaker changes (dialogue}
3. the scene changes

You changed from being in bed and looking at your watch to a conversation you had. The subject changed.



My thoughts began to take over,< delete comma - no call for one here the conversation I had with Colby three days ago keeps replaying in my head... "If you choose to accept, you will have to stay in contact..." I was afraid, < delete comma I had made a fool out of myself. What if he doesn't bother, tosses me aside like every other fan he has. << This is an interrogative requiring a question mark, not a period My anxiety started to kick in, < period I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, limbs and head. Why was I so caught up about someone who has over two million followers? I was delusional for even remotely thinking I had so much as an opportunity to make that man the slightest bit happy. I couldn't stop these thoughts, <period I laid starring << wrong word - use a dictionary staring at the ceiling petrified, < delete comma until Abs barged in my room.

Commas are the biggest pain for writers. They are only little "ticks" on a page, but they are powerful little ticks. They do so much and can completely misconstrue a sentence, understanding, confuse the reader AND the writer.

F'rinstance:

Let's eat Mom.
Let's eat, Mom.


There is a perfect example of how ONE comma can COMPLETELY change a sentence. Commas say "pause, take a breath", but if you did that every time you came upon a comma in your story, the "rhythm" would sound choppy, staccato, jerky. The rhythm will be out of sync.

Since commas are SO, SO important in writing, I strongly urge you to find a web site teaching how to use commas.

Next tip: When you write, have a tab open to dictionary.com which includes a thesaurus. Then any time you are unsure about what a word means, how to spell it, whether it is hyphenated or not--you have a dictionary RIGHT THERE on a tab. You don't have to lug around one that weighs a ton. The thesaurus gives you synonyms, antonyms, and can help you increase your vocabulary. Often, you can find a ten-dollar word to replace a ten-cent word and raise the "readability" and "grade level" of your story.


"Chloe, let's go! Get ready! What are you doing? It is our last day here in LA, and I am not letting you waste it by laying << wrong word lying in bed all day!" She insisted. I couldn't move. I was frozen by the anxiety that was washed over my body. Stiff as a board, she looked at me concerned. "What's wrong?" I couldn't respond. "Chloe?" She started to panic, but she knew exactly what was wrong.

Abs always knew my anxiety could get out of hand. She knew that < delete "that" - unnecessary word when I couldn't stop my brain from producing too many thoughts at once it would basically paralyze me, < period she She just never expected to see it. Since she lived in Tennessee, and I lived in Utah, she never had to experience one of these episodes, and the only way I would get out of them is to be held and talked to softly until I am able to break out of the trance, < period Abs didn't know that... < one period not three

People do not "lay" unless they are laying eggs. People LIE down, not LAY down. Victims are not found LAYING in the street. They are LYING in the street.

LAY refers to inanimate objects: you lay a tile floor, you lay a book on the table, you lay your cards down.

Tell your dog to LIE down, not LAY down.

There are certain words in the English language which are often unnecessary, just junk words. One of those words is "that".

There is a rhythm to the written word just like in music. The word "that" often is nothing more than a speed bump to that rhythm and does nothing more than increase your word count. Read the two sentences below out loud:

He told me that I should go to the store.
He told me I should go to the store.


Can you hear how "that" just doesn't fit? It kind of fouls up the rhythm, the sentence. It doesn't belong, and it isn't necessary. Not all "that"s are unnecessary, so when you proofread [DO YOU PROOFREAD?] you need to watch out for those unnecessary "that"s.


Abs could hear a crowd of people walking through the hallway and decided to run for help. She opened the door right as Sam, Colby, Kat, Tara, and Jake were walking passed our room.

"Hey, I remember you, from the show Wednesday night, right?" Colby started smiling, and continued, "Where's your friend?"

"Oh, um, see here's the thing, she's kind of in a little... Uh... Colby can I talk to you in private?" Abs sounded worried.

"Yeah... Guyscomma I'll catch up with you." Sam and the others went on their way, wherever they were headed, while Colby stayed back with Abs.

"Colby, shes she's having one of her episodes... Whenever she gets too anxious she freezes, and...and I don't know how to help her... < one period She's basically paralyzedcomma Colby." Abs was almost in tears,< period she She was extremely worried about me, < period I could tell by the tone of her voice.

"Where is she..."<< This is a question -- needs a question mark Colby didn't even blink an eye. Socomma willing to help Abs brought him to me, laying lying in the bed, < delete comma with tears running down my face still unable to moveperiod he He looked at me. "Are you okay?" he He stood over me, < period "What's her name?" he asked Abs, < period

"Chloe.."

"I know what this is, and I know how to solve it, but I'm going to need a minute to talk to her to make sure she's okay with me doing this..." < one period he He looked at Abs, waiting for her response, or mine.

"Yeah, go ahead, I'll uh...be over here..."< one period not three. Three periods is not the way to end a sentence

He stood over me once again, looking at me, < period I could see his eyes examining me, my body, my face,< period it It was like it he was taking a mental image. He then sat beside me on the bed, < period

"Chloe, it's Colby... ONE period Your friend here seems to be very worried about you, and I'm here to help.< replace period with a comma" he whispered in a low, calm voice. I started to grunt so he knew I could hear him. "Do you mind if I hold your hand?" he He looked at me as he began to pull the blanket down to access my hands. I noddedcomma slightly, < period he noticed, He slowly placing placed his hand on mine and rubbing is rubbed his thumb on my skin. "You're going to be okaycomma baby girl..."< one period

he He stayed there for a while. I could feel his soft, warm skin on mine, calming my nerves. I felt the tension in my body slowly loosening as he continued to talk to me only in whispers. He told me that he read my letter, and he wasn't going to reply, or at least not right away. He wanted to make sure that the show and venue had ended the way he wanted to, and make sure his friendscomma as well as himselfcomma got home safely after VidCon to do anything. I understood. Eventuallycomma I was able to wiggle my fingers, and it was then that he leaned down resting his head on mine.

"I know why you're going through this...one period It's anxiety. You're having paralysis because your body has taken much more than it could handle. I get this waycomma too, and unfortunatelycomma I don't have the luxury of having this release." I slowly looked over at him. He...he had thiscomma too? He goes through thiscomma too?

Finally, about an hour later, I was able to sit up in the bed. I looked at Colby and smiled. "Thank you." He smiled back. I never thought about anyone else going through this. He stayed there holding my hand for a while longer. Keeping keeping his eyes focused on me. Abs eventually made her way back over to the bed and gasped.

"Ohcomma my...you did itcomma Colby! How did you manage...?"< delete the three periods He looked over at her,< period

"It takes a lot of time, and I know it sucks to go through this alone. I'm happy I could help." he He brought his eyes back to mine, < period when When his phone started to ring, he released my hand and checked his phone.

"Uh, it's Sam... < one period I have to get going." he He stood up, < one period "I'm glad I could help you guys out." Smilingcomma he started to leave the room, still looking at his phone. I smiled at Abs, as she sat down with me, hugging me for a while.

"I'm so sorry this happened." Abs started crying again, <period

"It's okaycomma Abs, < period you Youcouldn't have known, period I'm just glad Colby was in the right place at the..." My phone began to ring... < one period

****************************

I don't have to ask. I KNOW you didn't proofread this. EVERYONE who writes NEEDS to proofread their work before they post or submit.

Why?

Because we are humans and humans make mistakes.

So, you could post a story, like this one, for everyone to see FULL of mistakes, errors, and problems--OR--you could proofread it first and FIX any problems you find before you post it.

It's your choice.

All professional reporters/journalists proofread their work before they turn them in. We understand it is easy to miss a letter, double type a letter, miss a space, miss a word, and so on and so on. Besides, our editors would chew our butts out if we turned in a story chock full of mistakes.

So, you should proofread.

I've given you almost everything you need to fix this entire story. Most importantly: ONE period to end a sentence. Remember the 3 reasons to start a new paragraph. Learn how to use commas. Learn what an introductory clause is.

I hope this review is a big help for you. You should be able to write stories, now, with fewer mistakes.

Good luck to you!!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of Nowhere, U.S.A.  
Review by Writers_Cramp
In affiliation with Nonfiction Writers United (NWU)  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello. Found your story in an email "blog", I guess it's called. I see you won an award or two. Congrats!

I am a former newspaper reporter and come to wdc to help people with their writing skills. I've noticed some errors in your story. I hope you don't mind my pointing them out.

There are two parts to writing:

the story & the mechanics

The story is fine--except for one thing. It isn't finished, the way I see it. So, the family can never leave.

Question: Are they dead?
Question: Is everyone one else there dead?
Question: If the family is dead, how did that happen?

How can they drive into a town that doesn't exist and never leave it?

You see, the way I see it, the story does not have a "closing".

Anyway, that is my opinion, and opinions are like--like--(thinking)--oh, okay--noses. Everybody has one. *Laugh*

It's a good story. I like it. I just don't like the ending.

So, moving on--let me show you the errors I found.


*****************************************

". . .along the lonely, two lane highway. . ." First, delete the comma. No call for one there. Secondly, the next two words should be hyphenated: two-lane

". . .the only other things the Nelson family had to see were the. . ." "had to see" has a dual meaning/understanding. Do you mean they HAD TO SEE the poles? Like it was a command? I know what you meant, but it would be better to change it for two reasons: 1 - reduce word count from 3 words to one, and 2 - make it clearer.

". . .the only other things the Nelson family saw were the. . .". from "had to see" to "saw".

". . .the sand climbing up its sides, < delete comma - no call for one here as if the Mojave was trying to swallow it whole."

"The nine-year old was going through his ‘cowboy’ phase, and the idea of visiting a western ghost town set the spurs in his mind spinning. But his thirteen-year old sister,. . ."

ages are always hyphenated: nine-year-old and thirteen-year-old You got them half right!

“We might as well,” said Allan. “We can let the engine cool off for a little while, and I need to stretch my legscomma anyway.”

Allan recognized the song as Camp Town Races. Titles like songs, movies, plays, books, etc., are underlined, whereas italics are reserved for emphasis.

“Weird. Well, it’s there now. C’mon gang, let’s go inside and see who’s playing that piano.” < I have no idea who said this.

Allan led them through a set of batwing doors into a large room with a vaulted ceiling. A staircase led up to a balcony that ran the length of the three walls on the second story (which was apparently a boarding house at one time, or more likely a brothel), a long bar was on the right, tables and chairs dotted the middle, and a large stage was in the back.

That ^ is one of those "overnight" sentences. lol. It goes on and on. . . It needs to be edited into shorter sentences.

Allan led them through a set of batwing doors into a large room with a vaulted ceiling. A staircase led up to a balcony that ran the length of the three walls on the second story. On the right was a long bar with a stage way in the back on the left. Tables and chairs filled the space between the two. Allan thought I bet this was once a brothel.

Italics are also used to show what someone is thinking. It clearly distinguishes it from dialogue.


“Howdy,” he saidcomma cheerily. Most words ending in "ly" are adverbs. "cheerily" is describing HOW he said it. Harry could have said it angrily, happily, impatiently, and so on, so it must be set off from the attribution by a comma

“Hello,” Allan said, shaking Harry’s hand. “I’m Allan Nelson, and this is my family, Judy, Sara, and Eric. We’re just passing through. Eastwood, you say? You wouldn’t happen to be related to Clint Eastwood, would you?”

Allan knew it was probably a ridiculous question, but under the circumstances, he just had to ask
.

Everything in italics above should be ONE paragraph, not two paragraphs. Why?

There are 3 reasons to start a new paragraph:

1. the subject changes
2. the speaker changes (dialogue)
3. the scene changes


Since Allan continued to speak after asking the "clint eastwood" question, nothing changed. Not the subject, speaker, or scene. So, that should all be together as one paragraph. You shouldn't just arbitrarily start a new paragraph.


“No, no. Hey, why don’t you let me buy you and the missus Missus a drink while your kids look around.” "Missus" is used as a name like Mary, Nancy, Pam, etc., so it is a proper noun needing capitalization.

It would be the same as if it was written . . .the Mrs. a drink. . .


“Allan?” Judy said asked, the fear in her voice growing. “What’s going on?

“Please, Mr. Nelson,” Harry said, still smiling his dumb smile, < period try Try to calm down. If you’ll let me buy you and your missus Missus that drink, I think I can explain it to you.”

“What the--?” said asked Allan, wide-eyed. “Where did he come from?”

I feel like we’re in an old Twilight Zone episode.” not italicized, but underlined

“Now, why don’t you order another beer and tell me what a Twilight Zone episode is?

***************************

It's a good story, as I said, but I still don't like the ending. *Laugh*

Most of the errors in this are minor except the formatting (new lines/paragraphs) and that one run-on and awkward sentence with the parenthesis.

The other thing to watch are the commas. Commas are probably the biggest pain in the butt for writers. They are only little "ticks", but powerful little ticks. They can completely mess up a sentence if used incorrectly. Commas are used for many purposes, and even I still (after so many years writing) goof up with commas now and then.

Let's eat Mom.
Let's eat, Mom.


There is one example of how one little "tick" completely changes the sentence.

I come to wdc to help, to assist, to teach--not run down, so I hope this review of mine has some value for you.

I wish you much success! *ThumbsUpL*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review by Writers_Cramp
In affiliation with Nonfiction Writers United (NWU)  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello. I am a former newspaper reporter and come to wdc to help people with their writing skills. I hope the review I give below has some value for you.


*********************************

On a cold day in the middle of October, the classes of seventh grade were mixed. The room was intermarried with hyper adolescents ranging from 12 up to two girls of 13, and half a dozen scattered book bags were strewn across the room. The day had < unnecessary started out with a note of promise in the air but ever so quickly has changed. << This sentence started out in past tense, but "has" brought it into present tense. Can't do that. Deleting "has" fixes this tense conflict. For in this room of outcasts, pranksters, and artists, lay chaos.

". . .that broken phrase in history." WHAT phrase?

There was a certain charm about her, < delete comma - no call for one if one could look past her strange adoration for books, bumbling social graces, and the scars that curled into her flesh, long enough to notice.

Over the years, the teenager had < unnecessary told herself she should just be grateful she was alive,< delete comma and that she < unnecessary had no disabilities, but the harsh words of her own mind made that almost impossible. Being premature wasn’t her faultcomma - compound sentence and everyone was quick to remind her she was a gift, that they loved her. But her thoughts did not. They whispered to her, snaring < snaring?? her a little bit more every day, coating her with lies she could no longer refute. Useless. Anyone could tell her she was a waste of space, an idiot, or any other negative connotation, but none of it would compare with what she told herself. Never spoken with doubt, < delete comma or anger, but as cold facts; << incorrect use of a semicolon definite and unchanging.

What follows a semicolon MUST be a COMPLETE sentence.

Above where I lined out "that she" - you already used the pronoun "she", so it is not necessary to identify her again, and "that", too, is unnecessary. All those two words do is increase your word count. Read the sentence w/o "that she" and you will hear the sentence is better without those two words.



Her features were soft, eyes a mix of light and dark green, mirroring that of a forest as it passed under the moonlight. Limbal rings circled around her irises, highlighting the difference in shades of both eyes. Her skin seemed to be kissed by the sun itself, for beautiful coats of light ivory coated her limbs. Rich, wavy chocolate colored chocolate-colored - hyphenated hair dipped below the crown of her head, cascading down the white shirt the kids were forced to wear while the insignia on the front glared out; < incorrect usage of a semicolon the only sign of color on the drab article of clothing.

She stared at a piece of paper, her fingers absently trailing over the scrawled words, a difference from the usual hurried writing she normally partook in. < bad grammar used. It was as if the creativity that had sparked a fire inside her only hours ago, had been was reduced to ashes. It would have been a strange sight had anyone glanced her way, but even those closest to the young teenager were occupied with varied tasks. A boy sat directly in front of her. He was the type of guy that who liked to play pranks and trivial jokes without ever looking at the serious things. His skin was dark, years of sunlight creating a toned cream color that shone stark against the backdrop of pale bodies littering the room.

People are "who", not "that"s.

Coryyyy Cory!” The boy named Logan whined, poking Malia, < delete comma or “Cory” as she was dubbed three months ago, in the arm with his pencil. A two second two-second - hyphenated conceived idea used in an effort to get her attention. It worked. Ironically, it first brought the elder girl out of her thoughts instead of the boy’s target. Lifting her head, the girl focused her attention on the two, managing a small smile as her fiery, spitfire friend, < delete comma snatched the utensil and threw it across the room. It hit a kid on the back of the head, < delete comma who gave no notice to the object that bounced off his cranium and fell to the floor.

Commas are probably the biggest pain in the rear of writers. It is only a small tick, but a powerful little tick. It does a lot in the English language, so it is imperative to know how/when to use a comma. One of the things a comma does is tell the reader to pause, to hesitate, to take a breath. But if you were to follow that in your story, often the sentences would sound choppy, stuttering, a loss in rhythm. Yes, language has rhythm just like a poem or song.

Let's eat Mom.
Let's eat, Mom.


Do you see how powerful that comma is? A misplaced or missing comma can confuse the reader AND the author. It can completely change the meaning/understanding of a sentence. So, again, it is important to know when/how to use commas.


The scene might have been funny at any other time, a reason to at least give a tiny snicker, but all she felt was fear. A dull ache entered the girl’s chest, where it filtered throughout her body, a harsh heat spreading with it. This wasn’t excitement, < delete comma or any kind of emotion that caused jubilance. No, this was the feeling that one gets after a nightmare overtakes them. Something that hissed and curled around someone in the darkest point of night. It was a feeling the thirteen year old thirteen-year-old - ages are always hyphenated had grown accustomed to, < delete comma and didn’t know how to get rid of. Her hands curled into fists in recognition comma - compound sentence and her sharp nails dug into soft skin, where they pierced the top layer and left small lines melting into flesh. The harsher side of her wanted to turn and scratch her arms, letting red, angry, thin strips marr them, but that wasn’t an option. They would be too noticeablecomma so for now, < delete comma that would have to suffice. It wasn’t used to cause torn skin or blood, just for controlling the emotions swirling like a hurricane beneath her calm exterior. She would not notice the pain nor or the marks left behind until much later, but the force of the action quelled the shaking in her hands. It may have not been not have been the best way to deal with it, but she did not know any other way. It was driven by a need, some part of the girl’s core actions that had grown to commit the act, despite that it was hurting her. After all, her reasoning was spot on, right? She was dealing with an abundance of terror and the pain, when enough, distracted her. Enough that she lost sight of the fire that coursed through her veins, even though it would not stop until every last shred of safety was gone. And even then it would misplaced carriage return
linger, feeding her with pain.

In this sentence: She would not notice the pain nor the marks left behind. . . you have a double negative: not & nor. So, that is why "nor" must be changed to "or".

The rational side of her knew there was no danger, but she was losing controlcomma anyway.

Run. RUN! Searing pain stabbed her chest where it seemed to increase with every new breath. Flames of adrenaline leapt through her small framecomma - compound sentence and harsh intakes of breath expelled from her mouth. The sound of her own blood and increasing heartbeat rushed in her ears, blocking out the question that had curiously raised itself again. Eyes slid to the group’s spot, focused solely on her. Their faces were mirrors of confusion and surprise. That was it,period end of sentence she She needed to disappear, right then. But had the girl taken a moment to think about it, the why of the matter (other than the primal need to flee), she would have realized it was more than that. She didn't want any of them to see her so pathetically weak. Letting instincts take over, she felt her body rise from the chair as the panic reached its breaking point. Her friend rose with her, as if understanding what she was about to do.

“Can we go to the bathroom?” Malia asked, walking to their teachers teacher's desk. She cast a side glance at the shaking girl standing beside her and wordlessly slipped her hand over hers. It wasn’t a question of if, but a matter of when. Grace was ready to bolt either way, and it didn’t matter to her at that moment if her teacher told them no. The adrenaline coursing through her veins wouldn’t leave until the “threat” was no longer present. Her brain was demanding she find somewhere safe, a place that was well away from the loud clamor of students and obscene language floating around. But the woman noddedcomma anyway, giving her permission as the two girls slipped out of the crowded room. The hallways were quiet and welcoming. After all, there was no sound to be heard other than the steady beat of their shoes against tile. They walked towards the restroom, their hands still clasped togethercomma . But but as soon as the door was opened and clicked shut behind them, Malia’s fingers slipped from her grip as her body she turned to face her.

The two matched well in terms of personality,< replace comma with a full colon their snark and wit easy friends. << huh?? "snark" and "wit easy"? In appearance and heightcomma though, they were much less comparable. She was lighter skinned lighter-skinned, pale as a ghost, and rose was an inch or two taller.

The wording ". . .rose an inch or two. . ." implies action. Rose, in this case, is a verb. She doesn't rise all of a sudden to be taller. She ALREADY IS taller. So, that is why "rose" must be replaced with "was".

“Hey, it’s just us. Breathe. Breathe.” Concern melded into her soft voice. Had Grace been just a bit more put together, she would have heard the notes of fear and determination coating the words, which could have provided a way to pull herself together. Alas, she took none of that into account. It was a good attempt, and she was glad for it, but the fear, hot and heavy as it crushed her chest, would not leave her until hours later. The initial panic may leave, but the rest of it would not be so easy to just get rid of comma which . Which was why she was so furious at herself for not being able to calm down alone. She knew the effects. It would torture her for a few hours before finally fading away to a mere ache of fear. She didn’t need help; << incorrect use of a semicolon or so was the story she told herself. But Malia never cared if she wanted it or not, period end of sentence she She was there. Then again, if Logan, one of the few people who knew what was happening in her head, didn't care enough to ask if she was okay or attempt to calm her when this happened, why should anyone else? She had created this torment, her own purgatory at times, so it should be her burden, < delete comma and hers alone, delete comma to deal with. But even with that knowledge, she was about to open her mouth and screw all of it over. It was an act of weakness on her part, delete comma and something she had vowed never to do again.

Yetcomma - introductory clause here she was, < delete comma doing it anyway. Her fingernails begin to dig into the warm skin of her palms once more, tearing into the already born crescent moons, and shredding < SHREDDING? deeper into the skin. Pain bit at her body and a hiss escaped her thin red lips as drops of crimson appeared in the crevices of her nail beds. She needed control.

The sight of Malia’s concerned face overtook her mind once more, though it brought forth a voice that harshly took hold whenever anger burned hot or fear lurked below. You actually think she wants you as her friend? Of course she doesn’t. You can’t stop being so damn stupid, so you deserve to be friendless. Maybe once you gain that, you'll stop scaring people away. You’re pathetic...and they all know it. << Is this dialogue? Is someone speaking? If so, it needs to be a new paragraph. The cruel words were synonymous with the dark, round shells of bullets, but instead of piercing skin and taking a life, they penetrated her skull and took her sanity. None of it had changed in the past year as her mind slipped deeper and deeper into a nightmare. Alexis has it worse, don’t even try telling Mal. This is your fault! You actually thought she cared about you. When the time comes, she’ll leave. As for Logan, he already thinks you’re pathetic. He didn’t even glance your way when you freaked. << More dialogue? Where are the quotation marks? A shaky breath expelled from her lungs; it wasn’t like she wanted to be such a disappointment. She was trying, honestly, she was. But that didn’t matter, did it? When the sun dove behind black, dove behind black? VERY very awkward. I suggest you reword that part and the clock ticked at midnight, she would still be the weird, antisocial teenager everyone saw her as.

There is dialogue in the paragraph above, but no quotation marks. Also, at the point dialogue begins, you need a new paragraph.

Three reasons to start a new paragraph:

1. the subject changes
2. the speaker changes (dialogue}
3. the scene changes

So, move the dialogue to a new paragraph, use quotation marks, and be sure to include attribution.


A whimper escaped her mouth when the intrusive thoughts left. They were as common as the terror, but the brutality varied. She was drowning. Her friend's voice captured her attention, the calming voice tinged with fear, still begging her to listen. The lifesaver was thrown, and it was up to her to grab it. Trembling, she took a step forward, arms wrapping around her before she could say a word. And for the first time since she walked into the school, a sliver of calm washed over the girl.

**********************************

I'm not sure I get the gist of this entire composition. I must have missed the point.

Anyway, the biggest problem here is punctuation.

There are two parts to writing:
1. the story
2. the mechanics (punctuation, grammar, word usage, spelling, sentence structure, formatting, and so on.)

You can have a good story, but mess it all up with poor mechanics.

I suggest as you write have a tab opened to
dictionary.com which comes with a thesaurus. Both are free. Then you have two reference books right there at your disposal to check spelling, definitions, whether two words are hyphenated. The thesaurus gives you synonyms, antonyms, and can help increase your vocabulary. Good tools if you don't have a dictionary right there next to your computer and weighing a ton. *Laugh*

This was interesting reading. A bit overdone. What I take away from this is you are/were more concentrated on sentence structure, word usage, long descriptions -- more than you were concerned about just telling the story. I think you could edit this a bit and simplify much of it while at the same time not losing anything about the story.

I also strongly urge all writers to proofread their work before posting.

I sense I am missing something, but I hope what I've shared with you has some value for you.

I wish you much success!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review by Writers_Cramp
In affiliation with Nonfiction Writers United (NWU)  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello. Found your little piece, read it, found it interesting, and want to give you a review.

I am a former newspaper reporter and come to wdc to help people with their writing. I hope you find my review to be helpful and informative.


************************

The first thing I want to pass on is about paragraphs. As your composition looks now, it is just one block of text.

1. This makes it difficult to read for the eyes
2. This makes it difficult to know where the paragraphs are supposed to be

If you've ever read a book, you know from page one to page whatever it is not written in one huge block of text. So, how do you know when to start a new paragraph?

You start a new paragraph when:

1. the subject changes
2. the speaker changes (dialogue)
3. the scene changes




My mother was 92comma - compound sentence and this day would be a particularly unusual day for her. Mid morning Midmorning she was in her usual place, < replace comma with full colon her favorite lounge chair. I went every day to her house to take care of her. Little did I know that < delete "that" when I left my house this day how hard it would be to get through the day. end of paragraph

There are some words in the English language that often serve no purpose. They are what I call junk words. All they do is increase your word count and put a "speed bump" into the rhythm of a sentence. Such a word is "that".

If you read aloud the sentence above where I struck out "that" then read it again skipping over "that", you can hear how the word "that" just messes up the smooth flow of the sentence. It isn't a needed word. Not all "that"s are unnecessary, so when you proofread (you DO proofread, yes?) keep an eye out for unnecessary "that"s.

If you had a dictionary handy, you could look up "midmorning" and discover it is one word, not two.


Her brother had been in the hospital. We knew he was not doing well but we were not expecting the phone call that < delete "that" we received.


Then the phone rang. It was my cousin to tell me his father had passed. I hung up the phone and had to take a breath. Last week he was doing well, < period end of sentence today Today, < introductory clause he had left us to join his heavenly father Heavenly Father.

When referring to God, things like Bible, God, Heaven, Father, etc, are capitalized. Sometimes even "He" is capitalized.


I laid the receiver down and told my mother it was my cousin. She asked how her brother was. Just getting the words out of my mouth was very difficult. I finally told her he had passed. She took a breath and then cried.

For hours she sat and didn't say anything. It wasn't that she normally talked a lot, it was the fact that the life had gone out of her face. She normally smiled a lot and had a lot of character in her face. Now she was withdrawn. Normal for the shock of the news, I thought.

You used the word "lot" three times very close to each other. That becomes redundant and boring. You need a Thesaurus. You need to change things up a bit to keep it interesting. That is why you need a Thesaurus. (more on that later).

So, here is a suggestion on how to improve the paragraph:


For hours she sat without saying anything. She normally did not talk much, but the life had gone out of her face. Usually, she smiled frequently, and her face showed her character. Now, she was withdrawn. Normal for the shock of the news her brother died, I thought.

Compare what I suggested to what you wrote.

Sometime mid afternoon midafternoon she finally spoke, < period end of sentence she She wanted to go outside. Her mobility was limited to a walker. I helped her out the back door and onto the deck where she sat in a nearby chair. We had just sat down when a beautiful butterfly came and sat down landed at her feet. It walked up to hercomma and looked up and then flew away. Then a male cardinal landed on a tree in front of us, crossed over to another tree where it was met by a female cardinal and then they flew off together.

Again you have repetition. "sat down", "and then". Again, you need to change things up.

I found these events a little oddcomma - compound sentence so I researched the meaning of the butterfly and the cardinals. The presence of a butterfly after a death represents the recent passing. The presence of the cardinals refers to the ascension into heaven Heaven. Socomma - introductory clause the interpretation is that the butterfly was the message that her brother had passed. The male cardinal was the message that he had been received into heaven Heaven, and the second female cardinal was his wife who had passed two years prior.

Do you see how many "that"s are not needed? Do nothing but interrupt the smooth flow of a sentence?

1. Introductory clauses: They "introduce" the sentence. They "set up" a sentence, set the scene. So, they are not actually part of the sentence. Introductory clauses must be set off with commas. Some examples of introductory clauses:

so, sometimes, in the meantime, suddenly, frequently, As I was waiting for his return, however, and so on.

An introductory clause can be as small as one word or as long as necessary without becoming a sentence.

2. Compound sentences are two complete sentences linked with a conjunction, usually "and". A comma must precede the conjunction. If you place a comma before "and" then read what is AFTER the conjunction -- if it is not a complete sentence that can stand on its own, it is not a compound sentence, so delete the comma.

3. Heaven is a place. So is Hell. Both can be used as proper names or not:

I want to go to Heaven.
Oh, I think it would be heaven to be rich.
Oh, hell!
I don't want to go to Hell.


So, it depends on how you use the words.


After seeing these events we both felt more at ease. Mother seemed better for the rest of the day. While still grieving, she tolerated his loss as well as could be expected.

Look for the signs from heaven Heaven. They will bring you peace!

*********************************
If you look carefully at how I formatted the story, every time the subject changed a new paragraph was started. Before you write the next sentence, consider whether it falls into one of the three reasons to start a new paragraph.

I HIGHLY recommend as you write to have a tab open to dictionary.com because it is a REFERENCE book right there on your computer as you write. You can use it to check definitions, how a word is spelled, whether it is hyphenated. Along with the dictionary is a Thesaurus. TWO REFERENCE books absolutely free! They cost nothing.

Instead of being redundant, use the Thesaurus for synonyms, antonyms. Sometimes you will find a ten-dollar word to use instead of a ten-cent word if you understand what I mean.

Proofreading: NEVER post or submit anything without proofreading it first. WHY? We are humans, and humans make mistakes.

Would you want to post a story full of "silly little mistakes" for everyone to see? Or a story with NO mistakes?

Proofreading is easier and faster than writing. So, don't be lazy. Proofread.

You can catch missing words, misspelled words, missing punctuation, redundancy, and so much more by proofreading.

Well, that is about it. I enjoyed the story. It is a nice story. Which brings me to another point:

There are two parts to writing:

1. the story
2. the mechanics


You can have a great story but really mess it up if the mechanics are bad. Mechanics include spelling, grammar, punctuation, word usage, sentence structure, formatting, --- and much more.

I hope this review is helpful for you. As you progress with your writing, do not forget what you learn along the way.

Good luck!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review by Writers_Cramp
In affiliation with Nonfiction Writers United (NWU)  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello. Very interesting that I should find this little essay because I am a retired newspaper reporter.

I assume by the way this is written English is not your first language. . .or you are careless.

You are correct about ethics being a fundamental cornerstone in journalism. We as journalists have a responsibility to the public to report without influencing the public. Let the public arrive at its own conclusions.

I hope this review will be of some value for you.

There are two parts to writing:

1. the story
2. the mechanics of writing

The mechanics include grammar, punctuation, sentence structure, format, and more. It is the mechanics where you need some help.


*************************

I feel ethics is most important that must be taken seriously in journalism profession, or in any career that matter especially in today's society. There are words missing in this sentence. It is not a complete sentence. I suggest you delete "I feel" and just jump right into it. I offer you an idea below.

Ethics is as important in journalism as in any other profession and must be taken seriously.


With today's technologycomma - introductory clause it seems as though anything goes, which makes it much easier to create myth or gossip. Ethics is something we should stay true to so we don't run into any conflict.


Journalists have the power to influence what society believes and should, as result provide objective information allowing society to interpret what is being said and done using by their own discretion. Delete ", as result" and "by"



As a journalistcomma - introductory clause you we have the responsibility towards society to provide truthful, balanced, factual, and objective information period end of sentence we We should always keep in mind ethical values help guide us in every step in our career. I think of it as a foundation of our career,<< period end of sentence

as a journalist < delete - redundant we working We work with all kinds of people of different backgrounds and cultures. If we stay true to our ethical values, we may still face some obstacles throughout our career, < period end of sentence However, I think it will run more seamlessly and with ease.


Everyday Every day there are ethical decisions that impact the hundreds or thousands of people who watch, read, listen and / or and/or< no spaces click on a media source.

The foundations < delete "s" of making the right decisions starts with ethics.

*****************

First, let me explain paragraphs. You start a new line or paragraph when:

1. the subject changes
2. the speaker changes (dialogue)
3. the scene changes

Next: When you state your "feelings" you weaken your stance, your position. Say what you want to say while not expressing how you "feel" about it. That makes your position, your viewpoint stronger.

Thirdly, Never ever submit/post anything you write without proofreading it first. We absolutely must proofread to avoid mistakes because we are human and humans make mistakes.

Good journalists ALWAYS proofread before submitting a story.

Journalism tip: When you have finished your story, a few lines down and centered on the page, write:


-30-


That is the code meaning the story is complete. The end of your story.

Lastly, do not be too wordy. Prune your story to just the words that are important, that serve a purpose. Delete any "fluff", any words/sentences that really are not necessary and serve no useful function in the story.

I hope this review has some value for you. I wish you much success!





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review by Writers_Cramp
In affiliation with Nonfiction Writers United (NWU)  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Congratulations on your graduation.

I am a former newspaper reporter and come to wdc to help people with their writing. I hope what I have to offer has some value for you.

There are two parts to writing: the story and the mechanics. The mechanics of writing include grammar, punctuation, word usage, spelling, etc.

So, let's begin.


**********************

Writing was my knot at the end of the rope.A few < missing space months ago I was invited to join a newbie class and a class on reviewing.

There was nothing that mentioned, < delete comma - no call for one wonderful teachers and guides. There was nothing in the syllabus that informed me there would be other people, just like me, that who would read my stories and review them with as much dedication as I did. There was nothing that said saying mentors or moderators would read random reviews and reward with badges or points.

People are "who" not "that"s.
Replacing "that said" with "saying" is a change-up. It avoids sounding redundant or repetitious. It also saves you one word in your word count.


I am looking forward to joining the Alumni group, < delete comma and to take another step on my journey as a writer.

The way you wrote that leaves a clause at the end, an incomplete sentence with no call for a comma. Just by replacing the comma with the conjunction "and" then deleting "to" you have a complete sentence that flows smoothly.

***********************

Again, congratulations!

Best of luck to you.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review of Diagnosis  
Review by Writers_Cramp
In affiliation with Nonfiction Writers United (NWU)  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi ya.

I like this. Fascinating. Good little story.

I am a former newspaper reporter and come to wdc to help people with their writing. With that in mind, I'd like to show you ways to improve how you write.


***************************

Dr. Phillips studied Josh through the two way << hypenated two-way mirror, who sat was sitting in a chair staring straight ahead, presumably at his own reflection.

Using "sat" is past tense in this case. This could imply he sat in the chair and got up again. Since this story is present tense, Josh is presently sitting in the chair.

“I doubt it. I meancomma to him, < delete comma waking up with blood all over your clothes and finding your wife dead was very traumatic. He’ll need time to recall what actually happened. Perhaps we’ll never know. I’m sure it’s buried beneath in his subconscious.”

"I mean" is an introductory clause. The sentence is to him waking up with blood all over your clothes and finding your wife dead was very traumatic. "I mean" is not the sentence or any part of it. It is an "introduction" that kind of "sets up" the scene. "I mean--. . . So, the comma, as it is now, is misplaced.

There is nothing "beneath" the subconscious. It is IN the subconscious, but not BENEATH it.


I believe he does recall killing hercomma - compound sentence and that <delete "that" this is all a ruse. You saw the tape of how he reacted to us when showing the knife.”

First, when two complete sentences are linked with a conjunction (usually "and") there must be a comma preceding the conjunction. What precedes "and" and follows "and" are both sentences that can stand on their own. They are complete sentences.

Secondly, there are often words which do nothing but 1) increase your word count, and 2) throw a "speed bump" into the rhythm of a sentence. Such a word is "that". We use "that" so much in our speech, it finds its way into our writing. If you read the sentence WITHOUT "that", the sentence is just fine and it actually flows better. The rhythm is smoother. Then read the sentence WITH "that" and you can hear how unnecessary "that" is. You will often see even in printed texts like newspapers, magazines, online stories, etc., using "that" when it is what I call a "junk" word. It serves no purpose.


The thirty days is nearly upcomma and we still can’t come to an agreement as to his diagnosis.

“I know. I’m not even certain that delete "that" he killed her.

Suddenly, Josh’s expression changedcomma and a wry smile flashed on his face. His voice changed, his eyes became wild. He gazed at his reflection. His voice changed, and his eyes became wild as he gazed at his reflection.

The way you wrote that last part is broken up, kind of staccato, stuttering, very short sentences. There isn't a smooth flow.

The way I wrote it, the flow is all in one sentence and it flows smoothly. There is rhythm. Yes, there is rhythm in the written language just like poetry and music.


**********************

There are two parts to writing: The story and the mechanics. You did a good job with the story. The mechanics include punctuation, grammar, spelling, construction, and so forth.

As I said, I like the story. Very nice for 300 words or less.

I hope I've been able to give you some pointers to help you streamline your writing, to help you with the mechanics.

I wish you much success!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review by Writers_Cramp
In affiliation with Nonfiction Writers United (NWU)  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello, Silver.

I really am not into fantasy, but the opening of your chapter didn't have any unicorns with magical powers or gnomes, fairies, and so on, so I kept reading. *Laugh*

I am a former newspaper reporter and come to wdc to help people with their writing. I hope this review is helpful for you.

Before I forget, let me give you a valuable tip: When you write, have a tab open to dictionary.com which includes a Thesaurus. They are both free. No cost. That way, anytime you might have a question about the definition of a word or how to spell it, you have a dictionary right there! And the Thesaurus gives you synonyms and antonyms. It can help you increase your vocabulary, as well.

So, let's begin.


****************************

She was ready, < period end of sentence this This is what she had trained and sweated for month after dreary month.

All she saw was the surrounding forest and nothing out of the ordinary.
Scanning the area for anything abnormal, Ashryn looked around.
<< Repetitive. Redundant. You already wrote "she saw the surrounding forest" then you write "she looked around". So, really, you've indicated twice she's looked around. Can you see that? Then you write "out of the ordinary" and then "anything abnormal". So, try to reduce this all to one sentence or, at least, avoid repeating yourself.


Then she saw it,< replace comma w a full colon a flash of brown, like the color of a bull hide coat that blended in with the forest, invisible to all except for Ashryn’s trained eye. She kept her eye on the part of the forest where she had seen it, period end of sentence slowly Slowly so as not to draw attention to herself, she drew an arrow from her quiver and drew her bow back silently. Sighting down the arrow she focused on keeping her breathing even and visualizing the path of the arrow to it’s target.

it's is a contraction of IT IS. The apostrophe makes it a contraction.
its is possessive > its eyes, its color, its manner of speaking, and so on. Just delete the apostrophe and you'll have it fixed.

Ashryn pulled her bow back a little bit farther until her fingers were even with the corner of her lips, taking a deep breath she_ << not the way to show interruption, hesitation, an abrupt stop

To show such an occurrence, use an em dash. An em dash on a PC can be found by holding down the ALT key and hitting 0151. An em dash is longer than a hyphen, so don't try two hyphens.

There is an article in my portfolio about what you can get using the ALT key. You might find it quite interesting. It's a little different with a Mac, which is what I am using.


“Crack!” Do not try to write sounds. Describe them, but do not write them like "boom, bang, crash" and so on.

Ashryn spun around to find the source of the noise keeping her bow drawn until she saw the source of the commotion and sighed. < redundant, repetitive

Any suggestions I offer you are just that: suggestions for you to work with and examples of how to use the English language in many ways.

Keeping her bow drawn, Ashryn spun around to find what had interrupted her kill shot.

By writing "kill shot", you give some suspense to the story. You spark the interest of the reader. Even if death does not enter the story, you've grown the interest of the reader. Yes?


“Ash, I was just practicing, and you know better than to get all huffy unless you want Morden to yell at you” Leo explained in his usual mocking tone as he leapt down from the branch he had been on and casually picked up the stick he had broken on his climb up the tree. << this is one loooooooong run-on sentence. It's gotta stop someplace. Punctuation is wrong. Lemme give you another suggestion:

“Ash, I was just practicing, and you know better than to get all huffy unless you want Morden to yell at you,” he explained, mockingly. He jumped down from the tree and picked up the limb he broke on his way up.


You wrote 55 words. I wrote 42. The word "mockingly" replaces "in his usual mocking tone". Most words ending with "ly" are adverbs. In the attribution, mockingly describes HOW Leo explained and is set off from the attribution with a comma. You can see how I simplified what you wrote, yet did not lose anything.

Silver--do you ever proofread your writing before you post it? If not, WHY not?

There are three very basic steps to writing:
1. write
2. proofread
3. post/submit

You spend a lot of time writing something. You are proud of it. You want to show it to the world. So, why don't you proofread it first? Proofreading is faster and easier than writing and can catch "silly little mistakes" we make.

We must proofread because we are humans and humans make mistakes.

Would you rather show the world your work with silly little mistakes or with no mistakes at all? Then you should proofread before posting. The next section below is proof of how important proofreading is.


“Anyways Ash, how did I do?” Leo asked in a cocky voice. that seemed sure and cocky.

“Leo, you broke a branch as you were climbing a tree, < delete comma while I was actually working. You did not do anything impressive, < delete comma except embarrass me by your utter lack of grace and decorum that you are supposed to use.” Ashryn sighed and started walking away from her brother, Leocomma so she could practice in silence with without him interrupting her yet again. It was useless to stay here now, < period end of sentence Leo had probably scared everything in the vicinity away with his noise and carelessness.

“That’s not what I was talking aboutcomma Ash, < period end of sentence I was talking about thatcomma” Leo explained as he pointed to Ashryn’s target.

Ashryn spun around to where she had been was going to shoot.

“No! Leonorecomma why did you do that? You know that you can’t keep doing stuff like this! Morden is going to kill you! << missing end quotes Ashryn yelled as when she saw what Leo had actually done other than just break the stupid branch.

Some of the mistakes above are those "silly little mistakes" I wrote about.

The word >> that. Some words are quite unnecessary like the word "that". All it does is increase your word count and puts a "speed bump" into the rhythm of a sentence. If you read the sentences where I lined out "that" without reading "that", you will find the rhythm of the sentence, the sound of the sentence is better. It flows better.

Not ALL that(s) are unnecessary, but if you take the time to proofread, you can find those that are really not necessary and just mess up a sentence.

Instead of "had been", using a VERB is much better. So, replace "had been" with "was".


On the forest floor lay the sika deer that Ashryn had been was about to shoot,< delete comma with the hilt of Leo’s hunting knife sticking out from >>it’s << learn what this word is lower shoulder. A perfect kill on nearly all levels, except for the fact that he had been was forbidden to hunt, and it was rightfully Ashryn’s kill. If Leo went home with the sika deer, he was sure to be punished and his ban on hunting would probably be extendedcomma as well. He might even have his weapons taken from himcomma which was would be "would be" because it is in the future the ultimate humiliation. It meant that you could not be trusted with weapons, were unworthy of any title, < delete comma and had to wait until everyone else was done eating before you could eat seeing as you had not helped with the kill. You usually ended up getting only a mouthful of food, and it was usually tough and stringy with no flavor.

Review that paragraph above carefully. Do you see how many "that"s are unnecessary? Do you see all the comma mistakes?

Commas are probably the biggest pain in the arse for writers. They are only little "ticks" on a page, but commas are powerful little ticks. They can mess up a sentence, confuse the reader, confuse the writer, and just make a mess of things.

A comma says "pause - take a breath", but if you did that every time you wrote a comma, it would sound jerky, staccato, stuttering.

Since commas are so powerful in the English language, it is important to understand how to use them. There are plenty of sites on the Internet you could review and learn how to use commas.


“Thankscomma Ash. Sorry for messing it up for youcomma” Leo said, sounding contrite and apologetic.

“I know that >>> your <<< wrong word see below sorrycomma Leo, but that does not cut it. You really can’t keep doing this. It is dishonest, and I am not going to keep covering up for you. You have to work to earn back their trust after the last time, otherwise comma you are never going to be respectedcomma and you will become a joke.” Ashryn explained as softly as she could so she did not hurt Leo too bad, avoiding hurting Leo too badly, but harsh enough that he understood the danger he was in.

“Ash, you of all people, know what really happened last time. It was not my fault!” Leo saidcomma raising his voice in frustration as he ran his hand through his dirty blond hair messing it up.

“Exactlycomma Leo, which is why it is even more important for you to behave. They believe that you are trouble, period end of sentence they They don’t know that trouble follows you. We have to be patient in order to find who really did it, and catch whoever set you up.< comma not period” Ashryn exclaimedcommasoftly. in a soft voice as she She wrapped her arm around Leo’s shoulder giving him a hug to help lighten up the feelings of seriousness, < delete comma and fear that clouded Leo’s eyes.

“Ever think that we are looking for what set me up, rather than who?” Leo mumbled almost incoherently. Ashryn just barely caught what he said and had to stop herself from telling Leo that he was probably only too right. Ashryn’s head spun trying to think about what had happened, and who or what would have had any motive to kill in cold blood and not for food.

********************************

Again you have two words mixed up. First, it was it's and its. Now it is your and you're. I hope you know the difference between lose and loose.

YOUR is possessive: your car, your hair, your attorney

YOU'RE is a contraction of YOU ARE.

These are EXCELLENT examples of why you need a dictionary on a tab. The dictionary is free.

It's a nice story and interesting. You leave the reader wanting to read the next chapter to find out who is responsible. I am not a fan of fantasy, but I like this story so far. I'm interested in who the "grinch" is. *Laugh*

The "story" is good. The "mechanics" could be much better.

Suggestions:

1. use dictionary.com
2. learn how to use commas
3. avoid unnecessary words
4. know the difference between words using the dictionary for definitions and confirmation
5. AND--PROOFREAD!


So, I hope I've been able to help you become a better writer. I wish you much success!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review by Writers_Cramp
In affiliation with Nonfiction Writers United (NWU)  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice story. Nice ending. I like it.

However--

I am a former newspaper reporter and come to wdc to help people with their writing. I hope I can show you some ways to improve your writing.


*********************************

There had never been any Easter eggs for Emily. Her father had died when she was only a baby, and she and her older sister, Hannah, were being raised by their mother. Money had always been in short supply in their humble apartment, and Hannah had never made a fuss about Easter eggs. So Mother had used the few pennies she had in her purse to buy a little chocolate bunny for each of the girls.

Do you see a pattern with the underlined parts above? Had this, had that, had the other thing. It is repetitive and--kind of boring.

It is TELLING the reader, but it is better to SHOW the reader. With the immense creativity of the English language, there are ways to improve on that paragraph above.

Anything I write here are suggestions. Just things for you to consider and work with.

Instead of "had this" and so on, use VERBS. Verbs are action. They SHOW instead of TELL.


There never were any Easter eggs for Emily, and her sister, Hannah, never made a fuss over Easter eggs. Her mother was raising the girls after their father died. Money was always in short supply, so their mother used what little money she had to buy chocolate Easter eggs for the sisters.

What I wrote used 52 words. What you wrote used 75 words. And there is no repetition, no redundancy in what I wrote.

Without rewriting what you wrote, I will show you some ways to improve what you wrote.


But this year, during the days before Easter, Emily’s friends at school were all talking about coloring eggs and < delete "and" then finding them on Easter morning after the Easter Bunny had come came during the night and hidden them. Emily wished more than anything that < delete "that" she and Hannah could color eggs on Saturday, the day before Easter.

“Easter eggs!” Emily answeredcomma excitedly. Most words ending in "ly" are adverbs. In this case, the adverb describes HOW Emily answered. She answered excitedly. You need a comma before the adverb.

“Well, yes, I know about that all right. But you and Hannah have always gotten candy bunnies.”

"gotten" and phrases like "had gotten" are like the absolute worst words in the English language. YUCK! You can easily replace this with "received", for example.

“That’s OK okay spell it out, not OK,” Emily answered with a big smile. “I’d rather have the eggs.” And so, Saturday morning, Mother sent Hannah to the store to buy a dozen eggs. But when Hannah returned she was cryingcomma bitterly.

“Hannah, how COULD could you?” Emily cried, tears squirting from her eyes. SQUIRTING?

To emphasize, use italics, not all caps.

Can’t you see that < delete "that" Hannah’s been hurt?”

The word "that" is often an unnecessary word and all it does is increase your word count and puts a "speed bump" in the rhythm of a sentence. Read the sentence aloud WITH "that" and W/O "that" and see which one sounds better.

“Maybe the Easter Bunny will bring his OWN own eggs Easter morning.”

She prayed that < delete the Easter Bunny would hide some of his OWN own eggs the night before Easter morning, even though Mother had said that delete "had" and "that" he always used the ones colored by children on Easter eve.

“Open the curtains, would you?” Hannah askedcomma sleepily. Emily pulled the curtain cord, and as the curtains parted, a beautiful shaft of light filled the room. She looked out of their third story third-story < hyphenated window, < delete comma into the top of a tree growing outside. And then Then she gave a shriek. For there, nestled in the crotch of the tree, was a nest with three beautiful, tiny blue eggs in it!

ROBIN'S EGGS!

Yes, I prayed in my mind to Jesus. And he He forgave me for being mean to Hannah, and he Delete "he" answered my prayer!”

The above sentence was unnecessarily too wordy. By deleting the indicated words, you are saying the same thing, but with fewer words.

NOTE: Every time we write about God, Jesus, or the Holy Ghost, even pronouns are always capitalized. The Bible is also always capitalized. So, "he" becomes "He", for instance.

“Even if we’ve been naughty?” Emily marveled asked.

Mother smiled and kissed her on the top of her head. < kissed WHO on the top of her head? There are two girls there. I suggest you make it a little more clear.

“Even then,” she softly affirmed. “Even then.”

*******************************

This is a nice story, but as you can see, there is room for improvement not in the story, but in the "mechanics" of telling it.

A reduction in the word count, less redundancy, clearer language, deleting unnecessary wordage.

When you write, open a tab to
dictionary.com which comes with a Thesaurus. They are both free, and when you write you will have a dictionary RIGHT THERE to check spelling, definitions, hyphenation, and a Thesaurus to look for synonyms and antonyms -- better words. Perhaps you can replace a ten-dollar word with a twenty-dollar word.

Always have dictionary.com right there for you while you write. You will find it is a huge help.

I hope I've been able to help you. I wish you much luck!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review by Writers_Cramp
In affiliation with Nonfiction Writers United (NWU)  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hmmm....maybe she should call in sick and look for another job. *Laugh*

Enjoyed this little piece. I've found a few errors, though. Perhaps you can fix them and repost w/o errors.


**********************

Ruth had told her about it early in the day. “We’re throwing a little surprise party for Ralph at Georgio’s after work,” she’d said, << period end of sentence it’s "It's his birthday. Please come, I know you like Ralphy.”

At workcomma - introductory clause Tina saw through him and every other smarmy guy who came along. The staff actually called her ice lady behind her back. She loved it. Unfortunatelycomma - introductory clause nobody knew better than she did, < delete comma - no call for one that she shouldn’t drink. At all. Every problem she’d gotten embroiled in, so far in her life, had started with someone sayingcomma “Oh, one little one won’t hurt...”

Today she had to face those same people at work, < delete comma - no reason for one as their superior.

Fearing a broken pipecomma - introductory clause she jumped up and ran in.

********************

This is a situation that would be impossible to live down. And to find out you've spent the night with someone you detest so passionately--well, it's time to quit and find another job.

I could never go back to work in this situation. No. I'd find a train and become a hobo. *Laugh*

Thank God this is just a short story I've read and not a situation I was ever in!




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review by Writers_Cramp
In affiliation with Nonfiction Writers United (NWU)  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello. I love dogs and cats. When I was growing up we always had dogs. No one complained about a dog sleeping with us.

I am a former newspaper reporter and come to wdc to help people with their writing. I hope you find my review to have some value for you.

Standing back and looking at your little story as a whole, it is a nice story. But up close, there are many errors. Hopefully, what you learn here will keep you from making the same mistakes in future work.


***********************

“Daisy, go over there. Daisy, over there... < no reason for a series of periods. One is enough. Grampa, why won’t daisy do what I say?”

If you kind of sweep your hand, like you’re trying to push her away it’ll make more sense to her. She’s just a little dogcomma sweetheart.

“Can we teach her other thingscomma toocomma so she understands us?”

“Yes grampa Grampa. Everyone said, “God dam...” " Godda--"

...okay Okay, sweetheart, we did, but you should not repeat it. It doesn’t sound right coming from a 7 year old 7-year-old.” << Ages are always hyphenated like this

First, that particular curse word is one word, not two.

Next, to show hesitation, a sudden stop or interruption, you should use what is called an em dash. It is longer than a hyphen and can be used by holding down the ALT key and hitting 0151 on a PC. It is different on a Mac.

hyphen: -
em dash: -- (here the em dash looks like two hyphens - I am using a Mac. But in a document, it actually looks like the same character as produced on a PC.)

In my portfolio is a document showing all the characters you can get using the ALT key. You might find it quite interesting.


Nocomma sweetie, it doesn’t sound right coming from an adultcomma either.

“We’ve been playing hard comma - compound sentence and Daisy really needs a rest. Can I sleep with daisy Daisy in her bed? Can she sleep in mine?”

“Her bed, but mom Mom gets mad.” This is the difference between a noun and pronoun. IF you wrote "my mom", then 'mom' is a pronoun. But when you use a pronoun like mom, dad, uncle, etc, as a name you are using that pronoun as a NAME, which means it needs to be capitalized.

Yeahcomma she does. How about you and daisy Daisy fall asleep in her bedcomma - compound sentence and I’ll move you both to your bed. I’ll deal with mom, Mom. << period end of sentence she She doesn’t like her in your bedcomma either. A kid should be able to sleep with their dog. I did.”

“You’re neat. I love youcomma Grampa grampa.”

“I love youcomma toocomma sweetheart.”

***********************
I already explained about nouns and pronouns.

The word "too" is usually preceded and followed by commas. There are three ways to use "too".

1. I want to go, too.
2. I love you, too, Grampa.
3. That pile of bricks is too high to climb.

A series of dots is not the preferred way to show interruption, hesitation, etc, etc. The dots are often used to show some text has been omitted. Example below:

In the book by Doodlebug, he states ". . .the sun is always warmer when not in the shade. . ." published twenty-thousand years ago.

Yes, that is a silly example *Laugh*, but it shows there is some text from the book that has been omitted.

Do you understand what a compound sentence is? Just in case, it is linking two complete sentences with a conjunction (usually "and") with one ending punctuation mark. They must be COMPLETE sentences. A comma must precede the conjunction.

There are some mistakes that can only be explained by carelessness. Failing to capitalize Daisy. Those errors could have been caught and corrected before you posted this--if you had proofread this first.

There are three really basic steps to writing:
1. write
2. proofread
3. post/submit

Do you proofread your work? If not, why not?

We must proofread our work because we are humans, and humans make mistakes.

You spend a lot of time writing something. You are proud of it. You want to show it to the world. Do you want to show it to the world with a number of "silly little mistakes"? Or with NO mistakes? Then you must proofread.

Proofreading is easier and faster than writing, and you have a chance to catch "silly little mistakes".

You are not alone on wdc. There is a vast majority of writers here who do not proofread, and they post stories with many mistakes. You MUST proofread.

You have a nice little story here. But you need to work on the "mechanics" of writing.

I hope my review has helped you be a better writer.

Good luck! *ThumbsUpL*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review by Writers_Cramp
In affiliation with Nonfiction Writers United (NWU)  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I scream. You scream. We all scream for ice cream. *Laugh*

Interesting story. Kind of a tragic ending.

I am a former newspaper reporter and come to wdc to help people with their writing skills. I hope you find my review to be of some value for you.


**************************

The first thing you should take notice of is how the first 4 paragraphs start. >> I << They all start with "I". That is redundant and boring. There are many ways to be creative with the English language and words. With that in mind, there are many ways to change the first four paragraphs. So, paragraph by paragraph, let's see how we can change them.

Before we begin, this is something you need to commit to memory:

There are basically 3 reasons to start a new paragraph or line.
1. The subject changes
2. The speaker changes
3. The scene changes


If the next line you write does not fall into one of those three above--do not start a new line or paragraph. You can't just start a new paragraph or line whenever you feel like it.



I can hear it getting closer. I'm running as fast as I can, not knowing where the heck I'm actually going, dodging thick branches and large trees. I hear the leaves and twigs crunching underneath me. I'm probably making way to <, wrong word. Should be "too", not "to". much noise, but all I can think about is getting the hell out of this place.

The above paragraph has more sentences than needed. They are short, simple, and don't have any sort of rhythm. Yes, there is rhythm in writing, but not the same as music. That paragraph can be shortened and made to "flow" better by writing some compound sentences and organizing the thoughts.

I can hear it getting closer even though I am running as fast as I can through a forest. I have no idea where I am going. All I can think of is getting away from the creature who is chasing me. The leaves and twigs are crunching under my feet making it easy to follow my path by the sounds I am making. It was wrong of me to think it would be safe to explore this forest. I never thought the forest could be home to bad things as well as good.

I wrote "COULD be home to bad things" because writing "the forest WOULD house bad things" leaves no wiggle room. You make a positive statement then, saying there are ALWAYS bad things in forests--which, of course, is not true.

By following the three reasons above, I've started this story without arbitrarily starting new lines or paragraphs. I've reduced at least two paragraphs into one and avoided redundancy.


I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to explore the forest. Maybe because I was too adventurous or because my friends would never believe I could. I should have known immediately that the forest would house bad things. It was just bad luck and karma that I stumbled upon them.

Now all of a sudden you give the reader whiplash. "I try to wake up." You need to ease into this scene from what the reader thinks is real to what is only a vision, an imaginary scenario. I only offer ideas for you to work with, so you can write it however you wish.

I feel my heart pounding in my chest; I can't seem to take in enough air, so I'm short of breath. Then--everything dissolves. Is this a dream? Is this real? I tell myself to wake up, but I cannot. I am still running from a creature who can cause me great harm.


By writing "everything dissolves" I give the reader a hint this may be a dream, then ease back into the dream.

Um... undeniable doom. How do you know this? As you can see from what I wrote above, it isn't as positive that "undeniable doom" awaits.


I try to wake up. It's all a dream. At least, it should be. But I can't and now I'm stuck running from a creature that will cause me undeniable doom.

I look forward. I can see the light of something ahead of me. I force myself to run faster. The creature's growls and snarls are coming closer. Its heavy footsteps are becoming louder. << 5 short, choppy sentences

Try to think of writing words in a story like writing words to music. Seek rhythm. Seek a smooth flow. Below is my version.

I can see a light ahead of me and run faster towards it but to no avail. The creature's growls are coming closer, and its footsteps shake the ground I'm on.

It's just an idea. Even in journalism, stories get edited again and again until it is JUST right. You may edit a story 20 times before you say, "It's perfect." So, keep in mind what I offer are only suggestions, ideas for you to work with. *Smile*

INTERMISSION: When you write, I HIGHLY recommend you have a tab open to dictionary.com which comes with a Thesaurus. They are both totally free. Costs you nothing. And you have a dictionary RIGHT THERE to use to check spelling and definitions. The Thesaurus can give you synonyms and antonyms. You, perhaps, can find a twenty-dollar word to replace a ten-cent word, if you understand what I mean. You can also use the Thesaurus to expand your vocabulary. So, remember to have dictionary.com there when you write.

Instead of me editing the rest of your story, I think I've given you enough ideas to use as you edit your story yourself.

Avoid short choppy sentences, starting new lines & paragraphs needlessly, redundancy.

It's a good story. It really is. You just need to work on the "mechanics" and "rhythm" of writing.

Good luck to you!




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review by Writers_Cramp
In affiliation with Nonfiction Writers United (NWU)  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Nice folksy story. I would like to have a cabin in a forest. But then--SASQUATCH MIGHT GET ME! *Laugh* Just kidding.

I am a former newspaper reporter and come to wdc to help people with their writing. I hope this review will have some value for you.

Do you proofread? There are 3 steps to writing:
1. write
2. proofread
3. post/submit

That's pretty basic, but true, nonetheless. We all need to proofread because we are humans and humans make mistakes. If you skip #2, you risk opening up your story with mistakes to the world. Many mistakes are "silly little mistakes" that COULD have been found and fixed before posting. That is why we all should proofread.

It's a nice story, but there are some things needing fixing. That is why I come here--to help people. *Smile*


***********************

Lydia stood on the log cabins cabin's without the apostrophe it is a plural word meaning more than one cabin front porch and watched the flames lick at the tops, < at the tops of what? as the smoke rose in a single column above the forest. She inhaled the scent of burning wood mixed with other less pleasant aromas. Perched in the rose bush beside the steps, a nightingale sang oblivious to the burning forest. She glared at the bird and then went into the cabin. Why did she glare at the bird? You haven't told the reader there is a forest fire, yet. You need to alert the reader because what follows makes a lot more sense once the reader knows.

“Then we’re safe, Sweet Heart, Is her NAME Sweet Heart? If not, then sweetheart is one word. sweetheart. he He poured coffee into her cup, <, period end of sentencesit Sit down and let’s finish breakfast, < delete comma before the neighbors begin arriving.”

“Roy, we’re in the path of the fire, the neighbors won’t be....” There was a knock on the door. Lydia went to the door and opened it slowly. Because these two sentences are so short, they sound staccato, awkward, not in rhythm, even kind of "jerky". To smooth out the "rhythm" of the sentences, combine them into one compound sentence. I offer a suggestion below:

A knock on the door interrupted Lydia, and she slowly opened it, revealing a neighbor.


“Lydia, it’s good to see you,” said a red headed << hyphenated red-headed woman carrying an obviously pregnant calico cat, < period, not comma “I see the nightingale is still singing.”

“Uh... yes... Come in, Noracomma and bring Precious with you.”

“You might want to leave the door open,” said Nora as she put Precious down next to the fireplaceperiod end of sentence and She then took a seat at the table. “I passed Brock and CeeCee a mile or so back. He was trying to convince her to go into town rather then << wrong word than come here.”

“That’s because the fire is headed toward us and not Pine Junction,” said Lydiaperiod She then went to the dresser and began to pack a bag.

“Lydia,” Nora took her hand and lead her back to the table, “calm down. As long as the nightingale sings, we’re safe. Didn’t Roy explain to you about the singing birds and this cabin?”

“On our wedding day, Roy told me a lot of myths in this area, but that doesn’t mean I believed them.”

Two nightingales and a robin flew through the open door and perched on the mantel. The birds began singing, while Precious looked up at the birds before curling up and going to sleep.

Lydia when < wrong word went out on the porch and then backed quickly into the house, “Roy,” "Roy!" she was trembling, < periodthere There are wolves in the front yard!”

“Are they blocking the path to the house?”

“No, they’re just laying lying in the yard.”

"silly little mistakes, yes?"

Living things do not "lay" unless they are laying eggs. People are not found laying on the ground. They are lying on the ground. Tell your dog to lie down, not lay down.

Lay is used for inanimate objects for instance: you lay a book on a table. You lay a tile floor. You lay your cards on the table.

See the difference? Lie - living. Lay - not living, never did, never will.


He kissed her on the cheek and then picked up an oak staff that was sitting << sitting? Does a staff sit? Perhaps it was propped up and leaning against the door. beside the door.

“Don’t think,” said CeeCee< period end of sentencejust Just sit down on the porch and relax.” She went into the house, << Is it a HOUSE or a CABIN? while Brock joined by Lydia sit down on the top step to watch the fire. CeeCee entered the cabin while Brock, joined by Lydia, sat down on the top step to watch the fire. As they watched, the fire began to change directions moving slowly toward Pine Junction rather then << wrong word than Nightingale Clearing. <<?? All of a sudden you mention "Nightingale Clearing". Where is that? It just pops in outta nowhere. Readers are going to wonder, as well. I suggest you "introduce" Nightingale Clearing early in the story to prevent confusion.

***********************

Lots of "silly little mistakes", huh?

That is why you proofread.

TIP: As you write, have a tab opened to
dictionary.com so you will have a dictionary right there with you. You can check the spelling of a word, its definition, and hyphenation.

Dictioary.com is totally free and comes with a Thesaurus, which is another valuable tool for writers. You can use it to expand your vocabulary, look for synonyms & antonyms. Sometimes you will find a ten-dollar word to replace a ten-cent word, if you understand what I mean.

You need to know when to end a sentence so you don't wind up with run-on sentences.

Several times you used a wrong word.

Overall, it's a good story--looking at it from a distance, but up close--it has many errors. I KNOW it would have had fewer errors had you proofread this, found and corrected some of the mistakes.

I like the story. *Smile* Good job!

You just need to work on the mechanics of writing.

Good luck to you!




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review of The Vide  
Review by Writers_Cramp
In affiliation with Nonfiction Writers United (NWU)  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello. Found your story to be interesting, mysterious, and with a surprise ending! It's a good story--from a distance. As a whole.

But, up close it has many errors. Do you ever proofread your writing? Do you ever read what you wrote before making it available for the world to see? If not--why not?

You spend a lot of time writing something. You are proud of it. You want to show it to the world. Do you want to show it to the world with "silly little mistakes" or with no mistakes? Proofreading can catch those "silly little mistakes" if you took the time to proofread.

We must proofread because we are humans and humans make mistakes.

Proofreading is faster and less work than writing. There are basically three steps to writing: (very basic)

1. write
2. proofread
3. post/submit

I am a retired newspaper reporter and have written for many years. I come to wdc to help people with their writing. I hope you find my review to be helpful, informative, and with good advice. *Smile*

So, let's go through your story up close.


*******************************

When he woke up it was slightly cold period end of sentence there There was a misty smell in the air, and light was creeping in through the windows window blinds. Something had felt off about this particular morning. The neighborscomma who were usually awake and busy when he rosecomma were silent, < period not comma - end of sentence in fact In fact, he could hear almost nothing outside. The cars that drove past his apartment and honked at one another had fell fallen < You must use past tense, not present tense quiet.

"What is going on?" He thought to himself. he thought. Unless he has the ability to send his thoughts to other people, OF COURSE, he thinks to himself. Who ELSE would he think to? So, don't write "thought to himself or herself".

Another thing about a person thinking. To prevent misunderstanding between speaking and thinking, you should put thoughts in italics. That way it is clear when a character thinks and when he/she speaks.

Since he is the only person present in this scene, there is no reason to start a new line every time he says something. There are 3 reasons to start a new paragraph:

1. The subject changes
2. the speaker changes
3. the scene changes




"Come on, John."

"I'll just get ready for the day."
This should all be one quote. He is the only one speaking.

"Come on, John. I'll just get ready for the day."

He sat up in his bed looking around at his apartmentperiod the The rustic look of the place was somewhat off putting, off-putting <hyphenated something was off even in his own apartment.

"D-did someone break in while I was asleep," He asked himself. This is a question, correct? Where is the question mark?

"D--did someone break in while I was asleep?" Since he is the ONLY one in this scene, no attribution is necessary. You can add it if you wish, but it isn't necessary.

"How did I not wake up?" < no reason to start a new line or paragraph

*************************

TIP: Every writer should have a dictionary within reach when they write. Since I assume you are writing on your computer, start a new tab and add dictionary.com to the tab. It is absolutely free and includes a Thesaurus. That way, instead of just GUESSING at a word, all you have to do is click on that tab and use the dictionary to check the spelling of a word and/or its definition. The Thesaurus is great to 1. grow your vocabulary, and 2. find synonyms and antonyms. They are both free.

**************************

As he got up, he got dizzy starting to see in swirls almost falling on the small nightstands he had next to the bed. Quickly regaining his composure, He he slowly walked over to the bathroom one step at a time trying not to step on anything moving in the path of a snake. SNAKE? Where did THAT come from? WHAT snake? Eventually making it to the bathroom, he started up the shower and moved on to the sink to brush his teethperiod he He always loved this part of the morningperiod it It was like his own little world, one that he could control. With steam starting to fill the aircomma he decided it was time to start brushing his teeth. After that he got into the showerperiod as As the hot water ran down his back, he felt a sense of ease as it stimulated the skin waking him up a little. Suddenlycomma he heard something he didn't expect this early. There was a knock at the door. He quickly turned off the shower, grabbed his towel and quickly << redundant made his way to the door. He looked out the peep hole peephole on the doorcomma and to his surprise saw nothing on the other end. Weirded outcomma he went back to his sleeping area and got some clothes on.

"I guess I'll wear green again today,period not comma oh Oh, and cargosperiod I don't know how cold it will get today."

After putting on the clothescomma he started making his way to his little area they THEY WHO? tried passing off as a kitchen. To his horrorcomma he heard it againperiod 'knock Knock. Knock. Knock.' He stared at the door in disbelief. He ran to the door to try and see who is knocking. He looked out the peep whole << the what? againperiod this This time he saw it, a little wood pecker woodpecker knocking on the door trying to get something to eat period end of sentence from inside the door.

"What the hell?" he whisperedperiod to himself.

Shrugging it offcomma he went back to the kitchen area to make himself some breakfast. He began putting some toast in the toaster and pushed it down. Waiting for the toastcomma he looked at his phone and saw the time.

***************************

If you had proofread this before posting, you would certainly have caught many of these "silly little mistakes". You think?

***************************

"Shit! I'm late!"

The toast popped upcomma and he grabbed it in a hurry putting his phone in his pocket in the process never noticing that there was no service on it. He made his way to the doorcomma grabbed his keys and walked out completely forgetting there was a bird picking at his door only just a few minutes ago. He walked further into the hall. Going past each door as he continued to the stairs, it was still unusually quite quiet for this time of the morning. Did they evacuate the building? Is this a joke being played on me? << italics indicates he is thinking this He trekked his way down the stairs still feeling this uncomfortable aura in the building. Getting to the first floorcomma not even the girl that's who is usually at the front desk was there.

People are not "that"s. People are "who". So, don't write "the man that went inside". Write "the man who went inside." Okay?

"What is going on?"

He went to the desk to investigatecomma and he saw the door leading to the backroom was slightly ajarperiod he He tried looking through the crack but couldn't see anything worth noting.

"I guess she took an early break"<< missing punctuation. Is it a period or exclamation mark?

He looked outside seeing a street void of almost all life. Nothing but empty cars in the street. He heard honking and other sound traffic coming from the next block over. Did they close this street for something? Continuing on his normal commute still with the same uncomfortable feeling in the air. 'there There aren't even people in the windows.' < comma, not period He he thought. Once at workcomma the doors opened as they shouldcomma and he walked in. he He went to the elevator and pushed the button. Waiting for the elevatorcomma he hears it yet again. 'knock. Knock' looking Looking in the direction it came from, he was filled with sudden fear.

"there's There's no way that bird followed me here."

'ding.' the The elevator doors openedcomma and he got in while still looking in the direction of the knocks.

Do not try to write sounds. Describe them, but do not WRITE sounds.

At the last second, he saw something starting to approach. 'was Was that what was making the knocks.' << question mark, not period As the doors closed, he pushed the button for the fourth floor. He could feel the strange feeling you only get when going up in an elevator, < delete comma like he was falling but going up at the same time.

Whenever you write "you", you are bringing the reader into the story. You do not want to do that. Avoid writing "you" unless the story you are writing is DIRECTED at the reader.

The doors opened revealing an empty off a what space?? space. He stared at the empty room with a confused expression on his face. He cautiously took his first steps into the room. Walking passed past the desk were WHERE the secretary is usually at < delete "at" taking calls and greeting everyone that who walks out of the elevator.

"What is going on today?"

As he walked by one of the conference room doorscomma it happened again 'knock. Knock.' He just He just what??? back in the other direction. Gaining his composure, he quickly went to check the room. Looking through the window he saw it was empty.

"Something is seriously wrong here!"

He bolted toward the elevator. Once oncomma he franticly pushed the first-floor button until the doors closed. As the elevator made its way down, he looked around everywhere in the small metal space he was in starting to feel panicked. Finally, the elevator doors opened after what felt like hours. Not even thinkingcomma he ran all the way back to his apartment. Out of breathcomma he slammed his door shut.

'what was that thing?!'

'who the knocked on that door at the office'


"What was that thing? Who knocked on that door at the office?"

Questions kept rolling around in his mind as he sat on his bedcomma visibly shaken.

"Am I.... alone?"

Like a puzzle being finished all the pieces finally came together. The lack of people in his building, the empty street, no one in the office. He realized he was the only one there. On the verge of a panic attackcomma he then remembered he heard the sounds of traffic from a block away. He rushed out of his apartment, down the stairs, and into the street. He then ran to the next block over, but as he got closer the sounds stopped. He reached his destination only to find he was still alone. Hearing the same sound coming from the street he was just at where he just was. he He excitedly ran back but got the same result. Overwhelmed with defeatcomma he shuffled back to his apartment. Up the stairs, down the hall, back at his empty apartment. He walked in and closed the door not bothering to lock itperiod after After allcomma he was alone. He laid back down on his bed and curled up in a fetal position. Starting to fall into a depressed statecomma his eyes widened in fear as he heard two knocks followed by the sound of his door opening. With blood rushing through his bodycomma he dashed to the bathroom to hide in the shower. He heard the footsteps creeping closer 'thud. 'thud'. << do not write sounds The closer they got the mor more his heart raced. The shower curtain was ripped down, right in front of John but there was nothing there but the bathroom he had first entered. He began to step over the side of the tub when the grip on his shoes loosened. He saw himself descending toward the ground with everything going black.

Coming to As he regained consciousness, opening his eyes with the sting of a bright light. a bright light in his eyes made him squint.And the smell The odor of rubbing alcohol l << ?? in the air he began to see the blurred figure of a what looked to be a nurse.

"Where? Where am I?" he asked.

"you're You're in the hospital. You had a nasty fall. Luckily your neighbor heard you?" << replace the question mark with a comma she explained.

Looking around dazed and confusedcomma he remembered what had happened to him. He died while in his apartment.

***************************

Do you see, now, how important proofreading is? You could have caught and fixed SO SO many errors!

This is a good story--from a distance, but up close--it has dozens and dozens of errors.

One of the mistakes you kept repeating was not punctuating the end of a sentence. Here are the things you need to take notice of:

Punctuation
spelling
awkward sentences


When you proofread, IF you proofread, read sentences out loud to yourself. Listen to see if the sentence sounds awkward, difficult to say without getting tongue-tied.

Use dictionary.com to reduce spelling errors or hyphenation errors. Read the definitions. Make sure the word you are using means what you want it to mean.

Use the Thesaurus to see if there is a better word. Often, you can use a ten dollar word to replace a ten cent word, if you know what I mean.

Whew. This took a lot of time, but I am hoping you learned a lot. I also hope the next thing you write you 1. proofread and 2. take what you've learned here and write a better story.

I like the surprise ending! *Bigsmile*

Good luck to you! *ThumbsUpL*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review by Writers_Cramp
In affiliation with Nonfiction Writers United (NWU)  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello. Well, I read this, as I promised, and it is very imaginative, quite creative. It kept my interest. It was enjoyable reading. Good job there.

But, as you probably guessed, there are many, many errors needing correction. Did you proofread this?

The things I noted mostly were your mixup of singular vs plural, capitalization, and paragraphs.

So, let me go through this and show the errors.


***********************************
For instance: the War committee It is the War Committee. That is the title of the committee. Secondly, although it is made up of more than one person, you must refer to it as a singular entity. It is only ONE committee.

“Next on the agenda are is the Famine committee." Committee ONE committee. SINGULAR. So, "are" is meant for plural. "is" meant for singular. the Famine Committee

Inside the cathedral like cathedral-like hyphenated hall a continuous buzzing......

Men and women alike wore similar clothes, as if dressed in uniforms from bye-gone eras. Another reason why writers MUST have a dictionary and Thesaurus at hand. If you write--don't pen a single word unless you have a dictionary with you. Then refer to it. The word should be bygone not "bye-gone"

>> dictionary.com << have a tab open to it.

lending a warmth to the vast space.. The warmth is not 'lended' as if it will be paid back later. The warmth is given. Delete "a" and why are there TWO periods? ...giving warmth to the vast space.

***********************

As the evening drew on, the noise of the festivities grew louder. Laughter filled the air as waiters refilled goblets and served the feast of whole beasts and suckling pigs.

There is no "segway" to the next sentence. I mean, you are writing about the feast, the people, then--all of a sudden, out of the blue--here comes this guy to speak to the crowd. You need some sort of smooth, gentle introduction to the end of the feast and the start of the awards ceremony. A reader could get a crick in the neck from such a sudden change. I offer you a suggestion below in green.

A gong sounded several times, indicating the time for silence. Graduallycomma - introductory clause the din diminished until a hush filled the air. How can a HUSH "fill" the air? Hmmm... A few random grunts echoed in the silence.

As the guests were finishing desserts of chilled monkey brains and boiled sea snails, anticipation grew for the awards ceremony due at any moment. A gong ringing several times alerted everyone it was time for silence. Gradually, voices diminished to a quiet hush.

At last, after being assured of complete attention, a man stood approached center stage to address the gathering. To say he stood raises the question: where was he? How did he get there?

Everyone in the room gave a slight intake of breath, honoured to be in the same room as this man, each yearning for some kind of recognition from him this night. Should follow the above paragraph, not be a NEW paragraph. There is no change in subject, speaker, or scene.

He stood tall, dressed in black. His headpiece resembled the head of a wilder-beast complete with horns. It covered his cheeks and dark, swarthy skin. His eyescomma thoughcomma were visible and shone brightly with an amber glow. Casting those eyes upon the gathering, he paused for a few seconds when they alighted on certain people, giving each a flash of recognition.

Tension built, minutes passed before he spoke. << no reason for a new paragraph. Should follow ". . .flash of recognition."

It was a voice few had ever heard before, but made them realise they were in the presence of greatness.

I know each of the four companies companies? Or committees? represented tonight have been doing amazing works but there can be only one winner of the Millennium World Domination Award, which I’ll present very soon.”

All eyes fixed on the speaker, the tension in the air palpable. Not a new paragraph/new line

***************************
You really must break the habit of starting a new line arbitrarily, for no reason. Do you remember the three reasons to start a new paragraph?

1. the subject changes
2. the speaker changes
3. the scene changes

If the next line you write does not fall into one of those 3 above, do not start a new line/paragraph.


**************************

“I shall start with the table of War. War Committee.” Amber His amber eyes focused on the long table directly in front of the podium. “This year, the year 2020 AD, A.D. marks the end of over a century of wars all over the Earth.”
The chairman sitting at the head of the War table Committee's table nodded, listening intently. << not a new line

The man continued speaking, < period not comma “Since the end of what the people liked to call ‘The 'the war to end all wars,’ the War committee Committee has overseen many conflicts. These include a Second World War, which ended so satisfactorily with the nuclear explosions in Japan killing two hundred thousand people. In recent years, despite the attempts of the many whom who attempt to bring peace to many hotspots all over the world, you have kept the momentum. No reason to start a new line/paragraph
I must make a special mention of Syria. So many dead and displaced people. It warms my cold heart,” < period end of sentence he He gave a cruel laugh, exposing his yellowed fangs.

“Let me continue,” he He turned to face a the second table of people wearing predominantly red attire. << should follow the last line above. Not a new line.

“Next on the agenda are is the Famine committee Committee. I don’t yet have the numbers,” < period end of sentence at At this his eyes glared at a quivering figure sitting beside him, period end of sentencebut But by all reportscomma there have been many successes. A few are worthy of a delete "a" mention.” << You wrote "a few" but "a" indicates ONE. Conflict with singular and plural

The speaker peered at his notes, mentioning and mentioned the great famines of the last century which included Ethiopia, 1984, Cambodia, 1970-1975 and the deaths of eight million in Joseph Stalin’s Soviet Union in the 1930s.

Another round of applause followed. < should not be a new line

“Now we come to Pestilence. This team have has been winners in the pastcomma - compound sentence and I recognise the difficulties you are having keeping one step in front in these times of improved science. The best times are behind youcomma I’m afraid, period end of sentence The times when filth and unsanitary conditions made the spread of diseases so easy. The Spanish Flu in 1919 was an exceptionally successful pathogen, eventually causing the death of over twenty million souls. You have impressed me with your ingenuity and inventiveness of late. Howevercomma although the new viruses have been marginal in their success, especially Ebola and your latest attempt with the Corona virus coronavirus, I’ve so enjoyed the fear these instilled into everyone around the globe. Ingenious indeed,”period end of sentence he He grinned his dreadful grin,period end of sentencebut But it seems you must work harder,period the The scientists of today are right on your tail.”

“Last, but not least, I come to the committee of Death Committee. ” He turned to face the table to his right. The next line below should not be a new line but follow ". . .table to his right."
“You have the unenviable task of keeping a tally of all the other statistics. Everyone here in this room tonight has, in their own way, added to the number of deaths every year. Pestilence, Faminecomma and War, each one a great idea of mine, you must agree.” Should not be a new line below. Should be here.

He gave a nod of acceptance as the applause filled the room, continuing and continued to speak after taking a drink from his cup.

“Death comes to all humanscomma inevitably, < period they They have such a short lifespan. However, I’ve not failed to notice the more inventive and painful methods this committee have has devised over the century. Tortures, bizarre accidents and the subtle, but oh so effective, mind control. This is used to tempt and persuade people to kill others, delete comma with just a whisper, a voice in the ear or in a dream.” He made a quiet moan of ecstasy. moaned in ecstasy. This "quiet moan"--? was anyone supposed to hear it? Or did he moan just loud enough for him to hear? that is unclear

The applause was deafening. Shouts and whistles accompanied the head of the War committee Committee as he walked up onto the stage to accept the prize. He turned to address the multitude. Below--there is no attribution, so it is unclear WHO spoke. By adding that line I added, it is now clear WHO speaks.

“I wish to thank our esteemed presenter, the Devil himself, for taking the time out of his busy schedule to attend this, the second Millenium World Domination Award.“

Everyone began speaking at once after the Devil left the stage. People gathered around the successful winner, congratulating him on a job well done. no reason to start a new line >>
There was no animosity. Everyone in this room was working towards the same end. The victory of evil over good, the dark against the light.


Four men stood for a while discussing their plans for the future before taking their leave together out into the wintery night air.
There, waiting for their masters, four stately horses stamped their great hooves impatiently, snorting freezing cold air from their nostrils.

With a last farewell to their comrades, the four horsemen Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse rode off into the night. That is their title, so it all must be capitalized. Apocalypse solely refers to the event.

************************

Sigh. Well, let me be brutally honest. Although the creativity is superb, if you proofread this, you are completely ignoring the actual "composition".

You must proofread by reading and analyzing every word, every combination of words, every phrase, every sentence, singular vs plural, grammar, etc and etc. You must pick it apart.

Instead of looking at it from a distance (as a "whole"), you need to get in close and "pick it apart". Analyze what you wrote. Does it make sense? Are there any conflicts? Any grammar issues? Any missing "segways"? Missing attributions? Is it clear to the reader what is going on, who is speaking, how a character got from point A to point B?

You can see there are many issues in this composition.

This would be an excellent example for an English Composition class because there are many different kinds of errors.

If you go through this line by line, I'm sure I've made it clear what the errors are and how to avoid the same errors in the future.

On the bright side, your creativity, the ability to paint a picture with words, is excellent. But you must 1) have a dictionary and refer to it, and 2) stop starting new lines/paragraphs for no reason.

I hope I've not destroyed your enthusiasm. *Laugh* It's a great story overall. It really is. Looking at it from a distance, as a whole, it's a great story. But up close--it needs a lot of work.

I hope I haven't dashed your hopes against a wall. I just wanted to point out what you need to work on. If you sent this in to an editor hoping to get it published, he would have sent it back, but would not have taken all the time I took to point out what's wrong with it.

So, you have a good education with this review. I hope it helps. The next time you write something, don't forget what you learned previously. Apply it to all your future work.

In conclusion, great story. I like the story. *Smile* Good luck to you, my friend!




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review by Writers_Cramp
In affiliation with Nonfiction Writers United (NWU)  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Interesting, emotional piece. I am a former newspaper reporter and come to wdc to help people with their writing. I hope you find my review to have some value.

First, this is one huge block of text. No white space. That makes it difficult to read. You need white space. Therefore, every time you start a new line/paragraph, add a blank line for that white space.

New line/paragraph

There are 3 main reasons to start a new line or paragraph:
1. the subject changes
2. the speaker changes
3. the scene changes

If the next line you write does not fall into one of those three reasons--do not start a new line/paragraph.

Punctuation

There is a problem with your punctuation, and I point that out below.

When you write, I highly recommend having a tab opened to
dictionary.com which is free. It includes a Thesaurus, so that you have a dictionary and Thesaurus right there to check the definitions of words, their spellings, and synonyms and antonyms.

********************************

The weeks dragged by in Rehab, < period end of sentence. Delete the comma Why is rehab capitalized? Is it a proper name? The name of a company or just a description of the function? Jane’s son Brad came to say goodbye. Knowing he was visiting, she had attempted that morning to make herself look normal, but inside she felt as far removed from that state as possible. This should be the end of this paragraph because the next line is dialogue. Start a new paragraph here.

“When do you fly out?” Jane asked. The next line is a change in speaker, so add a blank line here

“Tomorrow morning comma hereMa,< replace comma w a period I have to be at the airport at seven, < period end of sentence Dad’s taking me” add a blank line

“I’m so proud of you comma hereBrad,period end of sentence I know you’ve always wanted this, < period end of sentence I’m just so sorry I’ve let you down.” Since there is no change in the speaker, no change in the subject, and no change in the scene, there should not be a new paragraph now. Her son made no reply, < period end of sentence the The fact was, his mother had let him down, and at a time he’d needed her the most. Throughout his adolescence, she’d been drunk much of the time. Often leaving him waiting in vain for his mum to collect him from sport, or being too drunk to be there before school, no breakfasts or packed lunches. He’d never felt comfortable about inviting friends home, not knowing what state she would be in.

“I’m excited about tomorrow,” he said, changing the subject, “I hope I don’t regret joining the army.” add a blank line

“You’ll be amazing comma Brad, < period end of sentence I’m determined to get well enough to see you graduate. I’ll be there don’t worry, I promise.” Jane gripped her son’s hand, but she could see in his eyes he didn’t believe her promises any longer.

Her sponsor, Matthew, had taken her out of rehab a few times to see the horses at Maggie’s farm,period end of sentence the The peace she felt whilst she was in the company of the great beasts never failed to amaze her, period end of sentence even Even cleaning out the stables made her feel calm. “I think this time I can do it. I can getter better,” she told Mat. They were in his car on the way back from the farm one day, replace the comma with the word "when" Jane looked across at him, < period end of sentence “I need my family to trust me again.” add a blank line

“Have you spoken to your husband?” add a blank line

“Sam says he still loves me, < delete comma and wants me to get well, but he’s not promising anything. I don’t think he wants me back, period end of sentence I’ve hurt him too much,” < replace the comma with a period Jane gave a sudden cry, “I just need another chance.” add a blank line

“It’s a long journey commaJane, one step at a time, period end of sentence be Be patient,” period end of sentence Matthew reached over and touched her hand. She turned in her seat to look at him, period end of sentence Speaker changes so that means a new paragraph. Add a blank line

“Mat, please call my family, tell them I mean it this time. I need them to believe in me. Brad left last week to join the army, period end of sentence I could tell he didn’t trust me when I promised to never drink again. Can you speak to him please, tell him I’m doing well?” add a blank line

Matthew glanced at her, < delete comma whilst trying to keep his eyes on the freeway traffic, period end o f sentence “No, Jane, words are no longer enough,period end of sentence it It will take time for them to trust you.” Jane burst into tears.

******************************

The rest of this piece has all the same mistakes:

1. commas in the wrong places
2. no periods to end sentences resulting in run-on sentences
3. no blank lines between paragraphs
4. dialogue improperly punctuated

If you refer to the part I corrected, you can correct the remaining part.

Do you proofread your work before posting it? If not, why not?

You spend a lot of time writing something. You are proud of it. You want to show it to the world. So, do you want to show it to the world with "silly little mistakes" or show it to the world with NO mistakes? Then you must proofread.

Proofreading is faster and easier than writing. Proofreading gives you the opportunity to find those "silly little mistakes" and correct them. We are human and humans make mistakes, which is why we must proofread.

As you proofread, look for spelling errors, missing punctuation, missing words and so on. Then you can fix them BEFORE posting it to the world.

Again, this is emotional, touching, believable, probably very realistic. So, you have a good story here. However, you need to work on the mechanics of writing.

Mechanics like punctuation and formatting.

Commas are probably the biggest pain in the bottom for most writers. They are only little "tics" on a page, but they are powerful little tics. They can confuse a sentence, the reader, AND the author. I suggest you use the Internet to find a page that shows the proper use of commas. THAT is very important.

Well, I hope I have been able to help you understand how to write this, how to punctuate, how to format.

Don't forget: >> always have a tab open to dictionary.com which has a Thesaurus. They will be RIGHT THERE should you need to refer to them.

Good luck!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review by Writers_Cramp
In affiliation with Nonfiction Writers United (NWU)  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello. Read this and wanted to give you a review. I am a former newspaper reporter and come to wdc to help people with their writing. I hope you find my review to have some value for you.

First, do you understand what ecological/ecology actually means? You are writing about "ecological imperialism" but are writing about something entirely different.

Check the definition of "imperialism", as well. I think you think you know what "ecological imperialism" means, but you don't, really.

I strongly suggest when you write you add a tab opened to dictionary.com so that you have a dictionary right there whenever you need to check the definition of a word or its spelling. It includes a Thesaurus, too. They are both free. They cost nothing but are valuable tools.

Your title is two words--but you capitalized only one. Why is that? BOTH words should be capitalized.

Go to dictionary.com for definitions.


*************************************

". . .the survival becomes as the survival of the un fittest." un fittest?? What is that? Again, go to dictionary.com

Hence, conquering land and expanding the < delete "the" human existence is the demand and need of time and space. The pluralistic and diverse existence accepts the ecological imperialism in the form of immigration, which is overwhelmingly taking place in today's world for cultural harmony and the multiplicity of identities.

Definition of ecology:


the branch of biology dealing with the relations and interactions between organisms and their environment, including other organisms.


You see? You are making NO reference to ecology or biology.

For instance, the United States accepts immigrants, < delete comma from across the worldcomma and a Muslim remains Muslim and an Indian remains Indian or a Bengali remains Bengali. His or her identity is not shattered or distorted. The freedom to choose and create is in the hands of individuals. They can create the weather the WEATHER?? of their own without diluting their own colors which are distinct and beautiful in their own way.

Hence, a cosmopolitan society is established, that which is unlike the dogmatic society. So, the United States and Canada are expanding or distributing their territories or lands through an influx of immigrants from across the globe.

Neither Canada or the United States is expanding or distributing their territories. Their territories are fixed by borders and boundaries.

The land of grandparents is divided and sub divided into many pieces unlike the old concept of land as one and unified concept, but it is broken and each part is measured in millions and trillions. What ARE you talking about?! Millions and trillions of what? Tracts of land?

******************************

You need to understand exactly what "ecological imperialism" really means, then rewrite this so it makes sense.

When you DO rewrite this or write anything, have a tab opened to dictionary.com so you will have both a dictionary and a Thesaurus right there ready for you to utilize.

I wish you much luck with this.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review of Mother Nature  
Review by Writers_Cramp
In affiliation with Nonfiction Writers United (NWU)  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Found your composition, read it, and need to review it. NEED to review it.

I am a former newspaper journalist and come to wdc to help people with their writing. I hope my review is helpful for you.


************************

A human being, << why is there a comma here? No need for one, so delete it is a being that is human in nature, exists with a conscience, and is alive.

Is mother nature Mother Nature the consciousness of the earth? Doesn't she take care of the earth?

No, Mother Nature is not the consciousness of anything. Mother Nature does not exist. Mother Nature is like Santa Claus. They are fictional characters. They do not exist save in our minds.

Isn't the earth a being, if it has a conscience, << wrong word and is alive with life?

No, the Earth, the planet is not a sentient being. It is a rock, a celestial body upon which lives/exists all manner of creatures. The Earth itself is not alive.

We bleed her (oil), we try to smother her (smog), choking her so she can't breath << wrong word

Breath is a noun. Breathe is a verb. Just adding the "e" changes the word and classification.


Do we love her, or are we trying to kill her? What kind of a < delete "a" sick relationship is this? We have become a cancer on or in her body, eating her away not caring, or pretending to care. We kill of << off any species that is, or we feel that is < comma in competition with us. Competition for what? When all they're trying to do is survive themselves, just looking for space to live on this mother earth. About ninety percent of all species of plants, < delete comma and animals are extinct now. Even entire tribes and cultures of human beings have been wiped out, perhaps because they were deemed not worthy, << delete comma or fit to survive. Maybe they were wiped out just for being in competition for resources, and the consciousness of a people was lost forever.

Has mother nature started to fight back? It seems so with the flooding, earthquakes, tsunamis, tornado's, << wrong word and hurricanes of recent. Mother nature Nature being the organism that she is, acts like you when you become wounded. Wouldn't you wash your cuts out with water. << This is a question, is it not? Where is the question mark? Same thing when you get chemicals on your skin, you flush it off. She can't breath breathe with the smog, << delete comma and relentless heat. She will then start to get dizzy, << delete comma and begin to wobble. Though << wrong word the summer of 2012, you will see this wobble as the planet Venus does a clockwise loop over the constellation Orion's head. She is getting really sick, and gets a fever from the constant bombardment of ultraviolet and gamma rays, because of a < delete "a" weakened ozone. As she gets sicker she will begin to shake from the fever, like cold sweat shivers (earthquakes). The strong winds (hurricanes and tornado's) << wrong word are trying to cool her down. Sores will begin erupting on her body (volcanoes). Between the fever, sores, and the open wounds, her body will become all scabby, crusty, and brown. As she gets very sick, the sores begin to ooze pus, turning the oceans a yellowish putrid color. Human kind humankind - one word has been a cancer on her body. Like fighting cancercomma you have to destroy it, < delete comma before it destroys you. Either the cancer dies, or the host dies. The battle has begun, and mother nature Mother Nature is out to win for her own survival, period end of sentence she She must. If she loses, we lose anyway. I have to be on her side.

Time is short, delete comma - add "and" we must act now!

If notcomma then < delete "then" there will be one last violent shake. A shake so strong that it will shake loose the crust, knocking all the scabs, and sores off of her. Then there will be a renewal, period end of sentence she She will be well again. The forests will return, the seas will be pure, and blue. The skies will be clear, the air fresh and clean again. The cancer Cancer will have been removed from the earth, and new life will be started all over. Maybe the next intelligent life that evolves (or is created) may be more intelligent then we were. Taking care of her, and nurturing her. Loving her like a true mother deserves to be loved.

************************************

This is a good argument with metaphors. However, as you can plainly see, this needs a lot of work/editing.

Are you familiar with
dictionary.com? Dictionary.com comes with a Thesaurus, and both are absolutely free. So, when you write, add a tab labeled dictionary.com, then any time you need to look up a word for spelling or definition you have the dictionary right there.

The same is true for the Thesaurus. "synonyms" are words that have a similar meaning. Then there are antonyms. They have words that are the opposite of the "target" word.

On several occasions, you used the wrong word. A good reason to have a dictionary handy.

Well, I hope this is all helpful for you. I suggest you rewrite this piece, proofread it, then repost it.

Good luck!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review by Writers_Cramp
In affiliation with Nonfiction Writers United (NWU)  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hello. Found your story as I was perusing the site. You have a good imagination and can paint a picture in the mind of the reader with words. That is all good. But--

Question: Do you proofread your work before posting it? If not--why not?

You spend a lot of time writing a story. You are proud of it and want to show it to the world. Wouldn't you want it to be posted with no "silly little mistakes"?

All writers need to proofread because we are humans and humans make mistakes. Can you think of a better reason? *Smile*

Proofreading is easier and faster than writing. There are, basically, 3 steps to writing: 1. write it, 2. proofread it, and 3. post it.

Now, let's go through your story.


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As Theomund drew his bow tight, the words of his father still rang in his head as if it were just yesterday. ‘Watch your breathing, steady your aim’comma he would say. ‘Relax and clear your mind; there is only you and the target’.

To prevent confusion between actual dialogue, song lyrics, and thoughts of 'whatever', you should put those things in italics. So, it SHOULD look like this:

As Theomund drew his bow tight, the words of his father still rang in his head as if it were just yesterday. ‘Watch your breathing, steady your aim’, he would say. ‘Relax and clear your mind; there is only you and the target’.

Now, it is clear his father's words are thoughts in his mind and not actual dialogue or lost in the text of the story.


His old but keen eyes moved from the tip of his arrow to a small doe, stood standing not more than twenty paces in front of him. It was grazing in the soft light that filtered down through the forest canopy.

Proofreading probably would have caught those two errors.

Theomund focused on the doe and prepared to take the shot. ‘Don't rush yourself, you have to wait for the perfect moment< italics comma his father would coach him. Socomma Theomund waited, waited for the moment that would surely come...his arms come. His arms, though strong, began to strain from the effort of holding the string tight.

Suddenlycomma a bird took flight from a nearby tree with a loud squawk and disturbed the loose branches; the doe’s head shot up in alarm.

“Now” << This can't be a thought because you used quotation marks. That indicates someone actually SAID something. Also, if thoughts--italics Theomund thought as he took a sharp breath in and let loose his fingers. The arrow sped through the air and slammed into a tree just behind the small animal, missing by inches. Startled, the doe raced off into the fading light and away from danger.

"so" and "suddenly" are introductory clauses, albeit only one word. A comma must immediately follow introductory clauses. They are > clauses < not sentences. Some other one word introductory clauses are:

however, therefore, sometimes, occasionally, quietly, and many, many more.


“Gods help me!” Theomund cursed. “and dammed And damn getting old!” His grey, receding hair betrayed the fact that < delete "that" it had been many seasons since his father had first taught him to hunt.

There are some words in a composition that are unnecessary and only increase your word count and put a speed bump in the rhythm of a sentence. One of those words is "that". If you read sentences and skip over "that", you will hear the sentence is fine without it and the rhythm is smooth.

The forest floor began to slope upwardscomma - compound sentence and his weary legs cried out in protest as he climbed the hill.

In his younger years he used to hunt for the local lord; But no longer. local lord, but no longer. After the war and death of King Aldwyn, the previous local baron had been replaced with another. Normallycomma Theomund cared little for the troubles of kings and nobles.
But this new lord brought with him harsh laws and taxes; now it was illegal for him to hunt, even to feed his family. The new laws claimed all the wood and forests of Arandor belonged to the king. Anyone found hunting on the kings King's Without the apostrophe, the word "kings" is plural. More than one. WITH the apostrophe, "king's" shows possession lands would face severe punishment.

Why are you making new lines and paragraphs like--arbitrarily? There are 3 reasons to start a new paragraph:

1. the subject changes
2. the speaker changes
3. the scene changes

If the next sentence you write does not fall into one of those reasons, do not start a new paragraph.


Many errors in this paragraph >> “Poachers” he scoffed, that's what the lords called them. These woods belonged Theomund more that any stuffy nosed noble living a life of luxury. It didn't matter anyway, he was sure the lord would soon be replaced by another privileged brat from a different lineage. He had seen many come and go through his years. And none of them would keep him his out of his woods.

Compare the above paragraph with the one below. You should proofread your work.

"Poachers!", he scoffed. That's what the lords called them. These woods belonged to Theomund more than any stuffy-nosed noble living a life of luxury. It didn't matter, anyway. He was sure the lord would soon be replaced by another privileged brat from a different lineage. He had seen many come and go throughout his years, and none of them would keep him out of his woods.

He finally crested the hill, wiping the sweat from his brow and took a second to look around. The beauty never failed to be lost on him. << What this sentence says is the beauty is ALWAYS lost on him. It never fails.....to be lost. See?

The forest stretched out for miles in all directions. To the north the trees seemed to go on forever; a sea of green all the way up to the imposing Windcrest Mountains in the distance. < incorrect use of a semicolon. What follows a semicolon MUST BE a complete sentence. What you wrote after the semicolon is a clause, an incomplete sentence.

He had once dreamed of walking the mountains, but life and its responsibilities had other plans.
To the east he could see the edge of the forest, < delete comma where it gave way to farmland and grazing pastures. The town of Easterdale could be found if one wandered for long enough. And on further stillcomma you would eventually greet the coast and upon its shores find the majestic white city of Crowheart, Capital of Arandor. Only once he had been there, < delete comma as a boy. He had just faded memories now of crowded streets and horrible smells. He knew even back then the city wasn't for him.

And < delete in In the west the forest continued onward, unyielding. He had heard stories from travelling << spelling error merchants that eventually the green trees faltered and died, leaving only a vast open desert, but he had never seen it with his own eyes. He wasn't sure if he believed the stories at all.
Finallycomma he turned to the south and could just make out his little hamlet, < delete comma nestled by the river. His wife would be getting ready for his return,< delete comma and ready for the meat that < delete "that" he would bring. At this thought his resolve strengthened, period end of sentence - not comma he He must find that doe.

The sun was low in the skycomma nowcomma as Theomund made his way down the far slope of the hill. Though old, he was still swiftcomma - compound sentence and he made good progress through the dense bushes and trees. The hill began to level outcomma and he slowed to a gentle walk. Further on he crept, his experienced eyes darting this way and that, his ears pricked waiting for any sounds. As he picked through a particularly dense set of shrubs, they suddenly they gave way to a small clearing. His heart leapt leaped. There it was, period end of sentence - not commaTheomund couldn't believe it!

“Mylandrascomma guide mecomma” he whispered in thanks to the forest deity.
As if waiting for him, the doe has stopped directly in the middle of the clearing as and was scratching at the ground with her hoof. Surelycomma the gods had placed it in his path.

Once againcomma he steadied his breathing and notched the arrow onto his bow. He raised it and measured the distance; it was even closer this time. Theomund closed his eyes and quickly muttered a prayer to the gods to guide his arrow.
“May it be straight and truecomma” he asked of them.
Satisfied that < delete "that" he was ready, he gently pulled back on the bow string bowstring one word and held his breath. His eyes moved from the end of his arrow, out towards the doe. He paused, adjusted his aim slightly, and then just as he released a little pressure from his fingers he felt the forest air around him change. Something was wrong.

Let me interject an ad here. When you write, you should have a tab open to dictionary.com which comes with a Thesaurus. They are both free. Don't cost a dime. Then as you are writing, to check the spelling of a word, the definition of a word, you have a dictionary right there! With the free Thesaurus, you can increase your vocabulary, find synonyms and antonyms. You might find a $10 word to replace that ten-cent word, if you know what I mean.


At firstcomma Theomund wasn't sure what had happened, . . .

And the Then he saw something that sent a shiver down his back and his blood run cold. From the behind the doe, a dark figure was moving in towards the clearing. But the figure was not walking; it seemed to be gliding along the forest floor. As it moved further into the clearing, Theomund could get a better look << missing punctuation
It was twice the height of any man and covered head to foot in a long black cloak. He tried to make out a face or any features at all, but there was nothing, just a black empty chasm. The deer jolted off one once more but Theomund couldn't have cared less. In all his years he had never seen anything in the woods like this, period end of sentence he He knew it didn't belong here.

Had the figure seen Theomund yet?; < Delete semicolon he He couldn't be sure. It wasn't doing anything in particular apart from silently drifting. Maybe if he just backed away slowly into the bushes he could make his escape and get back to his wife and young boy.
Suddenly, as if it sensed his thoughts, the creature's head snapped to look straight at Theomund. He froze in terror, period end of sentence even Even though the being was faceless, he knew it staring right at him. Then it made moved forward violently, coming menacingly for him. The lack of sound was more terrifying to Theomund than a thousand howls. For a momentcomma Theomund did nothing but only watched in horror as it came ever closer, period but then Then his senses flooded back to him.

He could still defend himself. He rose from his hiding spot in the bushes and fired an arrow at the creature. His aim was faultless this time but to his disbeliefcomma the arrow had no effect. It went straight through as if it was just an apparition, and sailed harmlessly off into the distance. Theomund fumbled nervously with his quiver, trying to draw another. But before he could, the creature was upon him.
A ghastly skeletal hand withdrew from a cloaked sleeve, < delete comma and seized Theomund tightly round around the neck. The enormous creature lifted him off the floor as if he were made of nothing, and squeezed hard on the old mans man's throat. Now face to face, Theomund could just make out two piercing red eyes beneath the hood. It drew itself close to him and just three words came out in a terrifying rattling whisper, ‘Northman...Viken...Elundnir...’

***************************************
You know, a vast majority of these errors could have been eliminated before posting this if-----you had taken the time to proofread this. I can tell you did not.

Again, it's an interesting story, painting a picture in the reader's mind. But the "mechanics", the formatting---

I hope this review gives you tips on any future writing you may do. Good luck.







*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Writers_Cramp
In affiliation with Nonfiction Writers United (NWU)  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi. Came upon your report/essay (however you wish to refer to it), read it (yes, the WHOLE THING), and wanted to give you a review.

Being 1) a retired newspaper reporter, and 2) on the college Dean's List with a 3.8 GPA--I understood the entire piece. It is impressive. Did you come up with this or copy it from someplace? *Laugh* I understand that is kind of insulting, but in comparison to most of what I read here on wdc, it is an advanced piece of work.

There are a few things that need to be corrected. The most major ones include the use of semicolons and unnecessary wordage.

Here is the rule for semicolons: What follows a semicolon MUST be a complete sentence. Not a sentence fragment, clause, incomplete sentence, etc.

The two sentences don't even have to be related to each other. They oould be on different subjects. The semicolon is like a conjunction, but whereas the conjunction "and" connects two complete sentences, the semicolon is a "stand alone" conjunction. With "and" a comma must precede it in a compound sentence. No such rule applies to the semicolon.

The unnecessary words I found are mostly "that" and a "had" or two. We use "that" so much in our speech, it makes its way into our writing. Where "that" is unnecessary, all it does is increase your word count and puts a "speed bump" in the rhythm of a sentence. If you read the sentences where "that" is lined out and skip over "that", you should hear the sentence is fine w/o it and the "flow" of the sentence, the rhythm is smooth.

So, now that I have pointed out what to look for, let's begin.


*****************************

The most fundamental axiom of the industrial system is the belief that < unnecessary - delete "that" there is an unconditional right to use and exhaust every resource that inventiveness can devise. Massive capital stock, fast track technology, enterprise gigantism and global integration means the entire planet is being converted into one giant mining, processing and dumping facility for the sole benefit of humans; < replace semicolon with a comma particularly the wealthiest ones. << what follows that semicolon is not a complete sentence.

gigantism and global integration

In the example above, there exists an argument that a comma is not needed. I disagree. What you did was make a list separated by commas. Good. But then without the comma after gigantism, is gigantism and global integration inseparable? Are they somehow integrated with each other? Can you not list them individually?

So, as a reporter who must make things clear and easy to understand for the reader, I say you need a comma after "gigantism" to show it is also part of the list, but independent of global integration.

I hope you can see/understand that point.


This ideology is so all pervasive all-pervasive hyphenated, even attempts to defend eco-systems from demolition have to be couched in terms of potential alternative human ‘resource’ values.

According to the dictionary, I understand what you intended by using couched, but I am just not sure, don't feel comfortable this word is quite the correct word to get "the point" across. I suggest you use a Thesaurus to see if you can find a better word, if possible.

Above all, urban populations have such a long history of seeing purchasing inventories exploding year after year, it is an overwhelming expectation that < delete the consumption boundaries must always keep expanding.

Just as it had < delete produced political totalitarianism, the war variant meant extremism to the maximum extent possible.

The mobilisation of entire populations for war meant that < delete entire populations would inevitably become the target.

pale-ontological - << there appears to be no such word. Couldn't find it in the dictionary. I was using dictionary.com [which comes with a Thesaurus].

Ecocide promises a painful haemorrhaging << spelling error of the life force by millions of daily cuts at its fabric everywhere, << delete comma until it starts to collapse.

You should do two things before posting online:

1. spellcheck
2. proofread


. . .in one Chinese city alone, Shanghai; << delete semicolon. Use a comma because what follows the semicolon is not a complete sentence. part of the industrial chain reaction that < delete was already starting to devastate the industrial regions of that country and those either down stream downstream one word or downwind of them.

Long before these developing economies gain production/consumption patterns comparable with The the West, it will be all too brutally clear that < delete whether it be limitations on ecological systems, primary resources, energy use or the disposal of wastes, such ambitions are out of the question, unless of course war is used to eliminate the competition.

The West is not a proper noun. West is, not "the".

****************************

So, if you decide to make the corrections, follow the numbered list above: spellcheck then proofread.

This is a very good report/essay
(still haven't decided which it is -- *Laugh*).

I hope this review has been helpful for you.

Good luck!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Writers_Cramp
In affiliation with Nonfiction Writers United (NWU)  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Came upon your unfinished story today, read it, and wanted to give a review. I hope you find my review to be of some value to you.

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First--do you proofread? You know, proofread before you post or submit a story. I ask because there are many errors in this short piece that could have been fixed if it was proofread.

All writers need to proofread because we are humans, and humans make mistakes.

Now, the story.

It sounds like this is happening in a small rural town.


He meant met Julie just before school started when he found her locket. It was her Grandma’s comma - compound sentence and she gave it to her just before she went Home to be with the Lord. << that is all ambiguous, confusing. "she did this and she did that. . .you get lost in all the she's. You need to make it more clear. Example below:

It was her grandma's, and Grandma gave it to Julie before she passed away. Now, why is one "grandma" capitalized and the other isn't?

The first grandma is a pronoun because it is preceded by a possessive pronoun. So, a pronoun does not get capitalized. However, when a pronoun is used as a name it becomes a proper noun and gets capitalized. The 2nd grandma is being used as her name instead of Gertrude, Betty, and so on.


Adam thanked God, his Heavenly Fathercomma many times for being bringing Julie into his life. She was his best friend. She was also a girl that who had insights into a girl’s mind.

People are not that's. People are who. So, refer to people as "who".

Since Adam and Julie became friends their moms became quick friends. Julie’s mom introduced her to her brother. << This sounds like Adam's mom was introduced to her own brother. The wording needs changed.

Julie's mom introduced her brother to Adam's mom.

For the first time since her husband diedcomma - introductory clause she felt ready to move on with her life. Even Adam liked him. Adam and Julie often joked about become becoming cousins << missing period


Adam and Julie walked into the front door of Adam’s house. He saw that< delete "that" his mom was there in a very giggle giggly mood.

“I have…We have something very existed exciting to share with youcomma too.” She looked over to Peter, Julie's uncle.

Adam thought about it for a second. He knew what it was. And he looked over to his cousin to be cousin-to-be and they both smiled. They took each other's hands and jumped for joy.

“We are going to be cousins.” Adam sang as they danced in a circle.

They stopped after a few seconds. Adam’s mom, Hannahcomma looked at him was a pretended deep share. << with WHAT?? She was not mad, delete comma but teasing him.

You can at least let us tell you the knew first.<< messed up sentence

“Ok,” Adam said.

“We are getting married.”

Adam and Julie stared at each other and again dance in a circle signing singing “We are going to be cousins. << missing end quotes

After the existed excitement started to fadecomma Adams mom and his soon to be step father soon-to-be stepfather Peter said << ?? more of the details.


*******************************

ADVICE >>>. before you write any further, you need to 1) fix this part, 2) understand the mistakes, and 3) be much more careful about what you are writing. There are just way too many mistakes for such a short piece. This is vivid proof of the importance of proofreading.

Then, after you fix this part, perhaps you will have fewer mistakes as you continue writing this story.

Good luck!




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of A Precious Gift  
Review by Writers_Cramp
In affiliation with Nonfiction Writers United (NWU)  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello. I found your story as I was perusing the site. I wanted to give you a review. I hope you find my review to be of some value to you.

I am a retired newspaper reporter, and I come to wdc to help people with their writing. I hope I have something to offer you.


***************************

The doctors say she's a vegetable; that her mind is no longer with us, and she's all but a living corpse.

The use of a semicolon here is not correct. What follows a semicolon MUST be a complete sentence. The two sentences don't even have to be related.

"Hurry up!" she says, who says? who is "she"? and I stumble to my feet again, each step sinking into a haphazard chunk of her cerebrum. I watch her figure before me, smiling at the picture she makes. In here, she's a robust twenty-five year old. ages are always hyphenated: twenty-five-year-old She could easily be a model if she wanted to, but reality's cruel fate has her trapped in here for eternity.

As we approach her frontal lobe - the climb is much steeper - a stench of decay, like overripe tomatoes that have been locked in a pantry for too long, becomes stronger. I swallow tightly as the once pink-like flesh becomes papery and sand-like beneath my feet and against my fingers. The damage here is badcomma - compound sentence and it doesn't take a genius to know that it's the disease spreading. I slip a little, and a tiny piece crumbles like ash.

Using a hyphen to "set off' a phrase, to show hesitation, to show a sudden interruption and so on is not correct, especially with space between. You need to use an "em" dash.

You can get an em dash on a PC by holding down the ALT key and hitting 0151.

hyphen: -
em dash: -- (it looks better on a PC. I am using a Mac.)

In my portfolio is an article about all the special characters you can get using the ALT key. You should check it out.

So, the sentence should look like this:

. . .frontal lobe--the climb is much steeper--a stench of decay. . .


Surgery had taken place herecomma - compound sentence and it doesn't look as if they did a good job.

Blood vessels and fissures envelope envelop me like a snug jacket, suffocating...sucking the very air from my lungs.

For the first time, I see the near deadly near-deadly fall she took when she was a baby, < delete comma and my frightened parents as she's rushed to the hospital.

But this is overshadowed by the sounds of a thirteen year old thirteen-year-old sobbing for help as a close relative rapes and abuses her while her family looks away.

. . .and I realize that < unnecessary word - delete "that" we're going to drown in it.

For t The image of that smiling, healthy twenty-five year old twenty-five-year-old is her last gift to me, something I will cherish until my dying day.

***********************************

Very vivid and very sad. The visuals are very good. Kudos for that.

Why is "that" unnecessary? The word does nothing but increase your word count and puts a speed bump in a sentence. It interrupts the rhythm of a sentence.

If you read the sentence without "that" you will see it sounds much better. The rhythm is smooth flowing.

As you proofread (I am going to assume you do) keep an eye out for unnecessary "that"s and other "filler" words that serve no useful purpose.

Overall, this is a good story. I like it. Tis a sad one, though.

I hope I've been able to offer some help with your writing. I wish you good luck in your writing career!





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of SpaceMen  
Review by Writers_Cramp
In affiliation with Nonfiction Writers United (NWU)  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello. Read your little story and wanted to give it a review.

I am a former professional newspaper reporter and come to wdc to help people with their writing skills. I hope you find this review to be helpful and informative.


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Graice had on her best beads. It was a neckless << do you know what that means? Use a dictionary for the definition with the most beautiful beads she had ever seen. She got it from a Handmade Shop << is that the NAME of the store or a description? If it is not the NAME of the store, it must not be capitalized when she first moved to the Moon colony.

After making sure she was ready to gocomma - introductory clause Graice left her dwelling.

Once therecomma - introductory clause she looked up at the sign. Why are there quotation marks here? There is no dialogue. >> “Sign, sign, sign - there are nothing but signs. And none of them tell you where you want to go. She had been here six years. And she still didn’t know her way around that Moon colony.

Starting sentences with a conjunction like "and" is okay occasionally, but not okay so frequently. You need to change the start of one of those sentences.

And << again he was about to be shipped off to another SpaceColony of Barracin.

Firstcomma - introductory clause she was going to meet Torrain as at the Moon SpacePort. Then they would go to a fancy Eating Place. << why is that capitalized? And << again then she was going to take him to a party – whether he liked it not. I know what you tried to do, but that isn't correct. First of all, a hyphen is not the correct character to use. It is too short.

There is another character called an em dash, which is longer than a hyphen. If you are using a PC, you can get an em dash by holding down the ALT key and hitting 0151.

I have in my portfolio an article about all the characters you can get using the ALT key. You should check it out.

So, the difference is this:

hyphen -
em dash -- It looks better on a PC. I am using a Mac.

So, the last sentence should look like this:

. . .to a party--whether he liked it or not. No spaces between the words and the em dash.

The em dash can be used to show a sudden interruption, stuttering, hesitation. Examples below:

"I--I didn't see you." "Wait a minute! He didn't--"


It’s << Do you know what THAT means? took her a long time to read sign after sign, but she finally found her way to the Moon SpacePort. And << too many sentences starting with "and". she got there just in time. His Military Shuttle just landed.

And << Delete this and just start the sentence with "Torrain" Torrain was one of the last ones to come out. One look at him in his SpaceMan uniform she couldn’t help herself from crying. but cry. She cried so hard she lost her beads. When the neckless << wrong word hit the Moon the beads went everywhere.

****************************

Well, you definitely must stop using "and" to start sentences. You have several wrong words used. I have a solution.

When you write, add a tab for
dictionary.com which comes with a Thesaurus. Both are free. So, when you need to check the spelling or meaning of a word, you have a dictionary right there. The Thesaurus has synonyms and antonyms. It can help you increase your vocabulary. Also, you can use the Thesaurus to find synonyms and, perhaps, replace a ten-cent word with a $25 word, if you know what I mean.

You must learn what an introductory clause is.

Lastly--you do not proofread, do you? Why not? Proofreading is so much easier than writing. ALL writers should proofread because we are humans and humans make mistakes.

You spend a lot of time writing something. You are proud of it. You want to show it to the world. Well, do you want the world to see it when it has numerous silly little mistakes? Or would you like the world to see it when it is perfect?

Then proofread.

There are 3 basic steps to writing:
1. write it
2. proofread it
3. post/submit it

That's about it. I hope you've learned something with this review. It is my goal to teach. *Smile*

Good luck to you!




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of A wedding day  
Review by Writers_Cramp
In affiliation with Nonfiction Writers United (NWU)  
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hello. Found your little story here, read it, and want to give you a review.

Tis a sad story.

I am a former newspaper reporter and come to wdc to help people with their writing. I hope I can be of some help to you.{/ }

***************************************

First, you have way too many new lines/new paragraphs. There are 3 main reasons to start a new paragraph or line:

1. the subject changes
2. the speaker changes
3. the scene changes

If the next sentence you write does not fall into one of the 3 situations above--don't start a new paragraph.



“Get out of the car!” Megan ordered the driver and went towards her sistercomma Drewcomma who was standing next to her husbandcomma Damon.

When you "define" a pronoun with a name, you need to set it off w commas. For instance, if you do not put commas before "sister Drew", it can sound like Drew is a nun: Sister Drew.

Then you have husband Damon. You are using his name to "define" the husband. So, a comma is required to separate the name from the pronoun.


Damon and Drew kept watching in a< delete surprise. Megan stood next to Martincomma the family friendcomma who was greeting the newly wedded couple.

Now the opposite is true with the name and pronoun

All this below should be ONE paragraph, not 4 lines

Right after the wedding ceremony, the bride and the groom got ready to leave in their car. Megan, the bride’s sister, opened the driver’s door and took away the keys.

“Get out of the car!” Megan ordered the driver and went towards her sister Drew who was standing next to her husband Damon.

Damon and Drew kept watching in a surprise. Megan stood next to Martin the family friend who was greeting the newly wedded couple.

“Here you go.” Megan gave Drew the car keys and grinned. HERE is the end of the paragraph. The next line is a new paragraph because the speaker changes.

“Huh?” Drew gazed at hercomma puzzled. Speaker changes, so new paragraph/line next

“It’s our traditions tradition - singular, not plural that the bride drives her husband to the place where they spend their honey moon honeymoon together, and after a month. << delete period The the groom drives her to his place,” Martin explained.

“Traditions cannot be ignored.” << Where is the attribution? Who said this? Megan narrowed her eyes and gave Damon a warning look, she then turned to Drew. “You know where to go.” She gave the bride the keys.

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” The bride blew in a delete "a" disbelief. Blew WHAT? The bride blew. What? A balloon? A bubble? What did she blow?

“Don’t forget the loyality << spelling error oath,” Megan whispered in Drew’s ears. EAR. She whispered in ONE ear.

Damon gazed at the two sisters,< replace comma with a period Martin took Damon’s hand and shook it and hugged him.

Drew took the keys from Megan and smiled, she got into the driver’s seat and waved to Martin and Megan as they waved back, then she put the seat belt on.



Damon got into the car and sat next to his newly wedded bride. Drew started the car and drove to the high way highway.

“Socomma - introductory clause where are we going?” Damon flirted with his eyes.

Drewturned hger Drew turned her face towards him, < replace comma with "and" shook her forefinger. “no No, it’s a surprise, our honeymoon surprise.” She paused and looked at his seat. “put Put on your seat belt. I am a bad driver.”

“As if that will scare me!” Damon smiled and leaned to kiss her, < delete comma when he felt a huge pain in his ring finger, << period end of sentence he He tried to ignore it but he couldn’t.

ooouch Ouch !” he gazed at his ring and found that saw it is was glowing.

OpsOoops! I forgot to tell you about that!” Drew moved her eyes towards him.

about About what?”

“Those two rings are unique, < period end of sentence they They aren’t just any wedding rings.” Drew gazed at her ring.

“Yeah, I realized that < delete "that" they glow in a form of a leaf printed on it. them,” Damon said while touching his ring.

“No, it isn’t just that.” Drew paused. “according According to my family traditions, the groom has to swear a loyalty oath before touching his woman as his wife, so he is given this ring that has a blue leaf inside it, < period end of sentence when When the oath is done the leaf appears and revolve around the man’s ring finger,period end of sentence as As for the woman, she has to swear loyalty just before conciliating << look this word up in a dictionary the marriage, < delete comma so that the pink leaf in her ring revolves around her finger.”

“Lovely traditions!” the groom said, < period end of sentence He leaned towards his wife and whispered in her ears ear, “I will always swear my loyalty to you.”< replace period w a comma then kissed her.

Damon’s ring showed its blue leafcomma - compound sentence and it revolved around his fingercomma tightly.

Drew watched the road, < period end of sentence ops, I forgot the U turn! "Ooops! I forgot the u-turn," she thought. She hit the brakes.

“No brakes!” Drew cried.

She removed her legs from the peddles and waited till the car slowed a bit, opened Damon’s door, and pushed him out.

when When something like that happens, don’t panic, < period end of sentence just Just save the passengers and try to stop the car. < comma not period she reminded herself. How did she remind herself? Did she SAY this? Did she THINK this?

She could see her husband rolling in the street till he reached the pavement; she kept an eye on him till she saw him trying to move. Thank God "Thank God!" she thought.



Drew thought of the hand brakes brake so she pulled it quickly, period the The car went out of controlcomma and it hit the mountain that was on her side, period but the The car didn’t stop moving but it slowed down. Drew realized that < delete "that" the fuel tank is was leaking, period and that the The car got over the pavement next to the mountain.



Drew tried to get out of the car but her door wouldn’t open, and her seat belt was preventing her from getting out from Damon’s side.



She gazed at the rear mirror and realized that the car was on fire and it is getting close to the fuel tank, period She started panicking and trying to get free from the seat belt but her wedding dress was getting in her way. Damon stood up and tried to approach the car but the fire had already hidden the car totally, period he He tried to gather up all the courage he got could to save his bride, but it was too late, period the Thecar exploded before he could get in. the The blue leaf kept glowing until it died but it was kept stayed on his finger. "I lost her," Damon thought while he cried next to the ruins of the car.

************************************

It appears you hurriedly wrote this and did not proofread it before posting. Do you ever proofread your work? Proofreading is as important as writing. It takes less time, and can find "silly little mistakes" before you present it to the world.

Why proofread?

We are humans and humans make mistakes

There are, basically, three steps to writing:

1. write it
2. proofread it
3. post/submit it

You spend a lot of time writing something. You are proud of it. You want to show it to the world. Wouldn't you like to show it to the world with no mistakes? Then you must proofread. All writers make mistakes. Even if it is just a silly little mistake like forgetting a period or comma.

You had a spelling error and a "wrong word" error. When you write, if you add on a new tab
dictionary.com which comes with a Thesaurus, you will have a dictionary right there to check the definitions and spellings of words. Then with the Thesaurus, you can 1) expand your vocabulary and 2) find a $25 word to replace a ten-cent word. The Thesaurus offers you synonyms and antonyms. They are both completely free and a valuable tool when you write. I strongly urge you to make use of them.

This story is interesting, but you really need to work on the mechanics of writing. I hope this review helps you in your future writing projects.

I wish you good luck!




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