So the real Santa kidnapped the little creep and made him into an elf? Perfect ending to a good tale. I really enjoyed this. I think you may have used to much description and perhaps longer paragraphs then you should of, but overall very entertaining.
Man what a story A friend offers to lend aid and this is the thanks she gets. Still, you did a good job here. I confess I was a little confused not sure what was going on in the beginning.
But I do like the ending, it wasn't what I expected.
I too deal with people who say there is no proof of God's existence. I keep telling them that is because they don't want to see.
Good job of making this point.
I thought this was a great potrayel of an anorexic. I have never been that way or known anyone who has. But every thing i ever read fits your description.
I enjoyed reading about your experience. I thought you used great detail in describing everything that went on during your stay at the hospital. It was easy to draw the picture in my mind. You did a great job in adding touches of humour.
I thought this was good. I often wondered what animals feel when we kill them. You did a good representation of an insect colony taken out by the exterminator.
I thought this was a good adaption of the story. Your story flowed well it was easy to read.
I have a couple of comments to make. These are just observations so please forgive me if I missed something which is easy to do.
When the original owner of the Eagles claw smiles at Roger, the smile that doesn't reflect in his eyes, I think it would be better to play out the sinister aspect of that more. I am thinking of perhaps 'Finally he snapped back, giving a smile that didn't reflect in his eyes'. I think you can play that again when the seller talks to Roger for the last time. Just to add a touch of suspense.
I did like the reference to the Eagle you kept bringing up in the child's dream and with the gamboler. That was good symbolism.
How did Wade know where Roger worked if he only used his last name? Did I miss something? If I didn't you might want to reword that section a little.
Overall, I enjoyed the story. I wonder what would have happened if Roger's wishes weren't so selfish.
Very well done.
This story brought up some great issues. How the 'sinner' showed compassion and how the 'saints' drove on by.
I think you handled a difficult issue with a great touch.
I thought this was good. You started off well, describing the character and his situation. I didn't get a clear sense of why Jeff was running but you explained that later on.
I like the part about his dead wife. Was it his conscience bringing an image of her to life? or was it actually her. You wrote that well.
My only criticism is that the story didn't seem to flow well. It is hard for me to pinpoint actual occurences but it seemed choppy at some places.
I did enjoy the ending, however, how you tied the two legends together.
Overall, nicely done.
What a great story! It reminds me of the days when I used to call in sick when I wasn't sick. I am glad to say that I learned better now. In fact, now, I feel guilty for calling in sick when I am sick :)
The only thing I can think to add is did this affect your job? I mean did you have a pink slip waiting for you when you got back?
I like the way you describe the scene and the characters. It is a good beginning.
However, your paragraphs were to large. They made it very difficult to read. I think you need to shorten your paragraphs.
Also, whenever someone is speaking try and put their quotes in a single paragraph if possible. That helps with the story flow.
Your sentence in the end was intriguing. I think you may have something interesting here.
Write on.
I enjoyed the interaction between the man and his father. I also liked the way you described his fathers house. Everything seemed so down to earth.
I think you did a good job
I thought this was very good. I loved the way you started off with the main character.. giving us one impression of him making us almost feel sorry for him. Then you slowly brought us into his madness. I shivered as you described his killing his family with no remorse or regret.
You used great descriptions.
I thought the ending was just perfect. I was wondering throughout the story when this guy would get what he deserved.
I really can't find any criticism. Overall you did a good job.
Your observations are right on the mark. I too wonder hearing the groans and screams coming from those individuals around me on their machines. I wonder if they are lifting more than is good for them. I also wonder if they sound like that in a certain dark room if you know what i mean. I loved your observation about the cheeseburger and beer. It reminds me of the people i see walking outside at work smoking a cigarrette. Kinda defeats the purpose.
This is funny. I am sure your good doctor wouldn't see the humor in this :). I wonder how much of this is true. I hope you really did tell the doctor this.
The beginning of this story gripped me. You handled the suspense of the situation well with the young woman and her unknown stalker. You kept it up during the middle portions. I couldn't stop reading.
However; I think the ending was a let down. You never really clarified exactly what happened to this poor woman. You left the reader dangling. I think there needs to be more substance to the ending, a conclusion of some sort.
You can tell a story! Your descriptions were very good drawing me right in. I loved how you used the spirit to possess the writer to tell her story. I also loved the ending. Quite chilling.
I enjoyed your thoughts. I agree with them. God's will is best. However, we must remember that people have come from broken homes and broken lifes. You say, how can we doubt God's will is best for our lifes? I submit to you that my father was never there for me. He pretty much ignored me. I subconsciously see God as the same way. We all see God as we do our Fathers. I can personally testify the struggle to distinguish what the world has done to me and who God is. I know other people have the same struggle and my heart goes out to them.
This was cute. All this time you had the reader suspecting some undercover mission and it was just not what we expected. i think you set this up quite nicely. I love the suprise ending. Good job :)
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/wseerden/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/4
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.34 seconds at 7:10pm on Apr 16, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
