*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/wstafford
Review Requests: ON
30 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by William Stafford
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi K5Rakitan ,
I just finished reading "Kaiba's Prostitute - Part 14, and would like to share my thoughts. I found your chapters at your request. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Keep in mind that these are my thoughts from reading your work. Please use anything you find useful and discard the rest. I am learning more from your writing than I could ever share. Thank you for sharing!

*Check2* Overall Impression:
This reading went rather fast. In most of the chapters I've read they seem to take longer, possibly because I am new to the fan fiction and story background. This slows me down, but this was something I was familiar with.

I very much enjoyed this and will point out a couple of things below that were specifically good to me.

*Check2* Setting:
Having the crew as volunteer judges at the event, rather than participants was a really awesome twist. I nearly always expect events like 'cons to include the main characters as dressed up participants. Nice twist here.

I actually laughed out loud at the point when the kids called out to Joan, by her "profession."

At this point another thing happened that was really great: Michael blushed. Now, I know that this may seem normal, but when writing it can be easy to miss the connection between Michael's nearly useless conversation and Joan being called out. Having that connection made it so real.

*Check2* Conflict:
Oooh, this part was fun. She was busted. Too well known for her own good. I liked the fact that her celebrity removed her from one judging position but ended up in an even better place. The fact that the whole crew couldn't go with her made it all the more real.

Laura has a problem. Well done here. Lots of great backstory that links to the various subtle hints that she wasn't happy in previous chapters. Very well done. I found myself saying, "ahh, now I know what her deal is."

*Check2* Characters:
The mom still perplexes me. I know she is a super christian and judging her daughter, but there are times I want to sit down and just have a chat with her. You've made her secondary but very real and it adds a flavour and perspective to Joan that helps. She has flaws. That's important to connect with me.

*Check2* Dialogue:
My favorite part here, and it was super well done, was the conversation with Scott's wife. She was jealous and super condescending and Joan easily put her in her place. Loved it!

*Check2* Flow:
As always, this is very well done.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
No issues here!

*Check2* Suggestions:
My only suggestion is to keep em coming. The writing is spot on and I love it.

Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!

For more information on how the rating systems work, please read "Comment-In-A-Box

William Stafford
Rocking reviewer Bill Stafford




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review by William Stafford
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi K5Rakitan ,
I just finished reading "Kaiba's Prostitute - Part 13, and would like to share my thoughts. I am reviewing these chapters per your request. As it has been in the past, I really enjoyed reading this section. Please use anything you find useful and discard the rest. I am learning more from your writing than I could ever share. Thank you for sharing!

*Check2* Overall Impression:
Great as expected. I am always amazed at the continued twists and turns that arrive just when I think things are settling down.


*Check2* Setting:
This was a split setting. The "visual" was in Japan, yet Joan communicated with her boyfriends in America. I like how this happened. It was seamless and used technology that is available today, with the same issues, such as a person listening in but off-screen. Even though this story is one that includes a lot of fantasy and technology that is off the charts, I was glad to see that current technology was used. This was done well.

*Check2* Plot:
The plot thickens. I had to say that. I haven't taken the opportunity yet.

*Check2* Conflict:
The conflict of not telling Mokuba about the issues with the ring came to light this time. I am not sure how I expected this to play out, so I'm not sure I can criticize it. I think part of me expected him to be beyond livid. However, it seems that this character is livid when there isn't much cause and calm, cool, and collected when you'd think he was going to blow. That was an interesting way of dealing with it and I feel like it represents how things often do happen. Very realistic.

*Check2* Characters:
It seems to me that the body guards have begun to fade more into the background lately. I enjoyed Joan's relationship and banter with her bodyguard in past chapters, so I can't complain. They do have a job to do so it can't be all fun and games.

*Check2* Dialogue:


*Check2* Flow:
This, again, was done quite well. The story flow follows the action very well. Conversations and actions are heightened when there is more serious issues at hand. I've always enjoyed how you do this in your writing.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
As always, no issues here.

*Check2* Suggestions:
I have none. I am truly impressed again.

Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!

For more information on how the rating systems work, please read "Comment-In-A-Box

William Stafford
Rocking reviewer Bill Stafford




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review by William Stafford
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi K5Rakitan ,
I just finished reading "Kaiba's Prostitute - Part 12, and would like to share my thoughts. I found your chapters as requested. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Keep in mind that these are my thoughts from reading your work. Please use anything you find useful and discard the rest. I am learning more from your writing than I could ever share. Thank you for sharing!

*Check2* Overall Impression:
Impressive as always. I found no grammar issues and the pace is just right to keep my attention and move the story forward. High rating!

*Check2* Setting:
This time there was a huge setting change. Moving from California and the USA to Seto's mansion in Japan was a big move.

*Check2* Plot:
See Conflict.

*Check2* Conflict:
Putting the conflict in here, there are several areas that I see having an issue in the future. (Not an issue with the writing, rather 'being' an issue in the plot) The staff at the mansion, Andre, Roland (retires in 2 years, wife upset), several areas intrigued me. There was not any heavy or blatant conflict in this section, but my anticipation on where those issues will go is riveting.

*Check2* Characters:
The descriptions of the characters continues to be amazing. Using words like "iolite" eyes. Amazing. Many would say blue, or a pretty blue. Yes, I had to look up the word, but that is part of reading. You, the author, are both entertaining and educating me. I love that many character descriptions are simple yet extremely telling. Bravo!

*Check2* Dialogue:
This was really good. There were a couple of areas where I felt like things were slowing a bit. For instance, the description of Andre's relationship to Joan to Seto. As the not-author I don't know what is coming. I will assume that since this was a thorough description that somehow Andre will factor in in a significant way in the future.

*Check2* Flow:
Since there is no major conflict the pace was a bit slower than some. However, I must say that there is enough action throughout this story that it needs the medium pace exhibited here so I can breathe. Don't get me wrong, this wasn't slow in any sense. I felt the pace was just right.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
Unfortunately, no issues. You know how I like to find them!

*Check2* Suggestions:
None. This was great and I look forward to reading more!

Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!

For more information on how the rating systems work, please read "Comment-In-A-Box

William Stafford
Rocking reviewer Bill Stafford




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review by William Stafford
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi K5Rakitan ,
I just finished reading "Kaiba's Prostitute - Part 11, and would like to share my thoughts. At your request I am offering this review of these chapters. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Keep in mind that these are my thoughts from reading your work. Please use anything you find useful and discard the rest. I am learning more from your writing than I could ever share. Thank you for sharing!

*Check2* Overall Impression:
I just can't say enough good here. I love reading this story including the previous chapters. It is riveting.


*Check2* Setting:


*Check2* Plot:
I'm excited to find out more about the magic ring. The way you moved the story forward from a simple relationship situation into a whole different realm over the last few chapters has been great!.

*Check2* Conflict:
Through these chapters there hasn't been much conflict with people in general. The conflict has been with that ring and learning how it works, and the fact that it messes with everyone involved no matter how far away they are. The phone calls and texts after activating it is well done. It brings in the characters that would otherwise be missing and shows the power.


*Check2* Flow:
The story from beginning to now has had a great forward movement. I did run into a spot where things got a bit confusing for me. Near the beginning of Chapter 52 there is a line that says, "This gave Joan an idea." I was not able to follow after what the idea was. I had assumed it had to do with the Native American exhibit or Dimitri's office since the movement included those locations. I may have been fuzzy brained, but I did get lost wondering what the idea was.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
As always, this area is spot on perfect!

*Check2* Suggestions:
Just re-checking chapter 52 near the idea I mentioned. Other than that the flow, dialogue, and everything continues to play out very well!

Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!

For more information on how the rating systems work, please read "Comment-In-A-Box

William Stafford
Rocking reviewer Bill Stafford




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review by William Stafford
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi K5Rakitan ,
I just finished reading "Kaiba's Prostitute - Part 10, and would like to share my thoughts. I received your request to read and review your writing through the request system. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Keep in mind that these are my thoughts from reading your work. Please use anything you find useful and discard the rest. I am learning more from your writing than I could ever share. Thank you for sharing!

*Check2* Overall Impression:
I'm blown away. This set of chapters was a bit slower as far as action, but the story does move forward.


*Check2* Setting:
Now this was interesting. We get to see a different side of Joan's previous life. Going back to her college day friends and they're totally different from the rest of her life. This was a needed and refreshing change of pace and removal from the high technology that surrounded the other chapters.

*Check2* Plot:
Still trying to find out what's going on with the ring. In the last set of chapters this was a big deal. It seems less so here as the relationships have taken over the main plot points. I'm not sure if this was intended or not. It reads very well, just noticed the shift.

*Check2* Conflict:
The section where Joan and Mokuba are having the reading done seems a bit stilted. I agree that Mokuba would be skeptical, however, the information presented from the seer doesn't seem remarkable in a way that would get highly intelligent people like Joan and Mokuba to believe. Since there was a bit of a build up to this scene I felt like it would be more dramatic or memorable. The scene itself is painted well and is as I would expect a fair-based seer to be setup.

*Check2* Climax:


*Check2* Characters:
I love the characterization of grungy hippies who happen to be highly intelligent members of society. As it should be and is in real life!

*Check2* Flow:
No trouble here. As always the story moves along very well.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
All good here as well!

*Check2* Suggestions:
I would revisit the impact of the card reader/seer scene. As the reader, I felt the gem dealer was more dramatic than the card reader. Otherwise I loved reading it.

Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!

For more information on how the rating systems work, please read "Comment-In-A-Box

William Stafford
Rocking reviewer Bill Stafford




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review by William Stafford
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi K5Rakitan ,
I just finished reading "Kaiba's Prostitute - Part 8, and would like to share my thoughts. Per your request, I read and am ready to review your chapters. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Keep in mind that these are my thoughts from reading your work. Please use anything you find useful and discard the rest. I am learning more from your writing than I could ever share. Thank you for sharing!

*Check2* Overall Impression:
As usual, I'm very impressed. There were several times that I had to actually laugh out loud at the situation and or statements made by the characters. Great humor along with some intense moments. Very worth the read.


*Check2* Conflict:
One area of conflict that caught me off guard was when Sartorius entered the picture. He seemed to come out of nowhere and really provided a great twist to the story direction. Now I'm very intrigued about this ring! Great work here.


*Check2* Characters:
One thing I've been very impressed with, and was not let down here, has been the deep character backgrounds. I don't know if they're already developed via the original characters or if this is your work, but the reference to things like the deeply troubling background of the Kaiba brothers is amazing. Adding in the abusive step-father who made them learn ballroom dancing, and it fits so perfectly.

*Check2* Dialogue:
This, along with the flow are probably the best I've seen. Great job!

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
Perfect!

*Check2* Suggestions:
None at all!

Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!

For more information on how the rating systems work, please read "Comment-In-A-Box

William Stafford
Rocking reviewer Bill Stafford




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review by William Stafford
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi K5Rakitan ,
I just finished reading "Kaiba's Prostitute - Part 5, and would like to share my thoughts. Thanks for asking me to read and review it. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Keep in mind that these are my thoughts from reading your work. Please use anything you find useful and discard the rest. I am learning more from your writing than I could ever share. Thank you for sharing!

*Check2* Overall Impression:
Again, wow. This one was steamy and had some interesting conflicts between the brothers' relationships with each other and with Joan. Having the mother in a scene, and that she is pious, really gave it a bit of a twist regarding Joan's life and personality.
*Check2* Theme:
This story is fan fiction having to do with falling in love with a prostitute.

*Check2* Setting:
I enjoyed the scene switching to the diner. This is where Michael is working and we meet Joan's mother. The diner and Michael being a "wage earner" was a really great way to introduce another bit of Joan's life to the reader. Here we see her from a different light because living the high life with her "johns" is in great contrast to the love she has for a simple guy, working a simple job. Great contrast here.

*Check2* Conflict:
The biggest conflict here seems to be near the end where both brothers, who have hired her, come to find that they have very strong feelings for her, and she reciprocates. This has been something building throughout the story and was well executed. I felt like the last couple of pages rushed into making the relationship real, but it is not far off reality. Once the subject of love is there, people often rush into wedding dresses and rainbows.

*Check2* Characters:
Joan's mother was the most interesting. Having met all of the others (with exception of Michael on this scale), I really enjoyed seeing her mother preach at her and pray for her soul right there in front of the very guys she was charging for sex. Interesting introduction.

*Check2* Dialogue:
Well executed. The story flows well. More use of ... this time than other times, but not too much. Good job here.

*Check2* Flow:
This goes along with the dialog. I didn't feel that it slowed down or entered a pace that made it sleepy or too overwhelming.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
One dialogue is missing an end quote. I mention this because it is otherwise perfect and thought I should rib you a little!

*Check2* Suggestions:
No major suggestions. I would re-read the last chapter to see if the pace quickens beyond expectation. There might be a way to add some more suspense in that part. Great job!!

Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!

For more information on how the rating systems work, please read "Comment-In-A-Box

William Stafford
Rocking reviewer Bill Stafford




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review by William Stafford
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi K5Rakitan ,
I just finished reading "Kaiba's Prostitute - Part 4, and would like to share my thoughts. You requested that I read and review your current chapters. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Keep in mind that these are my thoughts from reading your work. Please use anything you find useful and discard the rest. I am learning more from your writing than I could ever share. Thank you for sharing!

*Check2* Overall Impression:
I am blown away by this. The story progresses and the intensity of the relationships grows exponentially. I enjoyed the dynamic presented between the characters as their lives begin to intermingle. Joan has emerged as the character at the center of all of the attention and though her life gets complicated, I thought your writing kept things from getting overly complicated, and this made it easy to keep up with who is who and what is going on between them all.

*Check2* Plot:
This part has been growing all along. As the life of Joan (and her profession) has gone public, I thought things would take a severe negative turn. However, instead of being ridiculed, it seems everyone wants to join in. After the last few chapters, I expected the difficulty for Joan to be from public pressure. I like how you kept that positive and allowed the relationship development and the ensuing complications to be a major plot point.

I was a bit concerned that the section where you described the characters for the game play would drag a bit. At first, being a non-gamer, it seemed a bit slow. However, when I started reading about the game play, it became evident as to why the descriptions were needed. I am not convinced the description is needed because the game play grabs attention on its own.

*Check2* Style and Voice:
As always, I really enjoy your writing. I have no suggestions in this area. The way you handle the dialog is especially riveting.

*Check2* Suggestions:
I have no suggestions for any improvement. I honestly think this story and the way you have written it is ready for publishing. I look forward to reading more!

Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!

For more information on how the rating systems work, please read "Comment-In-A-Box

William Stafford
Rocking reviewer Bill Stafford




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review by William Stafford
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
REMOVE THIS NOTICE: Personalize the opening each time.

Hi K5Rakitan ,
I just finished reading "Kaiba's Prostitute - Part 3, and would like to share my thoughts. This review is in response to your request. I very much enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. I'm also enjoying being able to read the whole story as you have shared thus far. Keep in mind that these are my thoughts from reading your work. Please use anything you find useful and discard the rest. I am learning more from your writing than I could ever share. Thank you for sharing!

*Check2* Overall Impression:
As with your other chapters, I am again thoroughly impressed. With this set of chapters and the previous I've read, you are able to create scenes, emotions, and introduce characters with class and grace. Each character keeps his/her own personality throughout, an this is extremely important in a novel. Well done!

*Check2* Setting:
As you know, this setting takes place in the hotel after pushing through the rushing reporters. I felt this was well done because there was a potential issue with the two brothers, the heightened emotions, and everything that was going on and this was on display.

*Check2* Conflict:
The tension between the two brothers was interesting given that they both had hired Joan. Knowing this and the fact that they were in Seto's hotel room, I wasn't sure how this would play out. The scene in the banquet hall was also exptected to be tense.

*Check2* Characters:
One thing I noticed and really liked was how you introduce a character. I'll have to go back and read the previous chapters because I just noticed this. Before you introduced the reporter, she was the only person that received a quick description of how she was dressed. You introduced her with the guards, but they were nondescript. Moments later, you introduced her as the reporter. I noticed this as a very subtle and great way to mentally prepare me to meet an integral player. Really impressed with this part.

*Check2* Dialogue:
This is also well done. I enjoy how the brothers converse about Joan. There's some underlying tension, but nothing quite avert. They also stay within character, with Seto being more aggressive and his brother timider. The first couple of paragraphs seemed a bit harder to get through. I re-read them a few times and do not have a suggestion on how to do them differently. I just found that reading through the section where Seto was trying to figure out Joan's last name was a bit more difficult to read through.


*Check2* Suggestions:
Other than the first couple of paragraphs as mentioned above, I have no suggestions. This is incredibly well written and I really enjoyed reading it.

Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!

For more information on how the rating systems work, please read "Comment-In-A-Box

William Stafford
Rocking reviewer Bill Stafford




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review by William Stafford
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi K5Rakitan ,
I just finished reading "Kaiba's Prostitute - Part 2, and would like to share my thoughts. I found Part 2 of the Kaiba's Prostitute Novel through your review request. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Keep in mind that these are my thoughts from reading your work. Please use anything you find useful and discard the rest. I am learning more from your writing than I could ever share. Thank you for sharing!

*Check2* Overall Impression:
I have to say that I am impressed with both parts that you have shared with me to review. I really am getting into this story and enjoying the characters and how you frame the scenes and move the story forward. Even as someone who is less familiar with the history of these characters in previous works, I find that I'm getting to know them and their personalities well through your words.

*Check2* Setting:
This part (Part 2) is set mostly in three places. In the previous work and this one, you do an outstanding job of describing the setting without spending paragraphs to do so. Your way of intermingling the details with the dialogue and movement make it easy to build the picture in my mind without having a long boring paragraph of "here's what the hotel looks like." Instead, things like, "Joan stared up at a huge modern abstract chandelier as they passed through the lobby" gives everything I really need to know about the scene without overloading me with details.

*Check2* Plot:
This part was great. I was caught off guard at one point, but only because I didn't remember a plot point in a previous chapter. I found it curious that Joan was not available on a particular night for Seto. When I read that his brother was picking Joan up for the date I found it interesting but didn't click, until I suddenly remembered that they had made the arrangement in a previous chapter. I seriously loved how that snuck back up on me. Concluding with the scene with the two brothers in confrontation at the club just wrapped it up like a well made poboy sandwich from New Orleans. In fact, the fact that they went clubbing, but there was no mention that it was the same event that Seto (the older brother) would be attending gave me a sense of excitement as I began to see that there had to be a confrontation. Part of me wanted the couple to get out without running into the older brother and part of me knew that fate wouldn't allow that. It made the hair on my arms rise. Loved it!

*Check2* Conflict:
In the first part, the conflict seemed to be between Seto and Joan's boyfriend. In this one, it was an inevitable conflict between the two Kaiba brothers. Nice move!

*Check2* Climax:
The potential for the fight between the brothers being interrupted by the unruly businessmen and then the press back at the hotel really was a good way to delay the fight, but increase the intensity of the situation.

*Check2* Dialogue:
This part was quite a bit different from the previous part I reviewed. The dialogue here didn't have very many clues on who was speaking. It wasn't too difficult to know, but I did notice there was a difference. I think it is good to bring back some of the "he said/she said" into the dialogue to help the reader keep track. The first part was well done in this regard because of the tags. I would suggest bringing some of them back here. I don't think every line needs have "Joan said" and "Seto said" but I do think to have a few more mixed in would be helpful. Part of the issue is it seems the style changed a bit, which can be confusing throughout a book. Having that consistent style allows the reader to relax and know that they won't get lost because of the writers guiding hand.

*Check2* Flow:
Just as with the first part (which I'll link below) I really felt this was a great area that shines brightly. There is no part of the reading where I'm thinking that I just want to skip ahead. I want every detail here and enjoy reading each word. The way you move from a discussion about a party that is happening and then to the party (next chapter) without mundane details is great.

*Check2* Suggestions:
Adding in some dialogue tags will help the reader keep track of the speaker without effort. There was only one spot that confused me. When Mokuba arrives to pick up Joan, there is mention of Michael, then they say "Bye Michelle." This confused me a bit as to who was actually there. Other wise, I can't wait to read more!
Link to part one Kaiba's Prostitute - Part 1  for anyone who wants to read it as well.

Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!

For more information on how the rating systems work, please read "Comment-In-A-Box

William Stafford
Rocking reviewer Bill Stafford




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review by William Stafford
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi K5Rakitan ,
I just finished reading "Invalid Item, and would like to share my thoughts. I found your chapters through your review request. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Keep in mind that these are my thoughts from reading your work. Please use anything you find useful and discard the rest. I am learning more from your writing than I could ever share. Thank you for sharing!

I want to apologize for not getting to this sooner. This last week has been packed with finals for some college classes I'm taking and time just got away from me.

*Check2* Overall Impression:
I'll start here by saying that I am unfamiliar with Seto Kaiba and Yu-Gi-Oh! and had to ask my husband for a quick education. However, I really enjoyed this and now I'm going to check to see if he has the originals for me to read. I'm very impressed with many aspects and have very little in the way of suggestions.

*Check2* Plot:
Reading the authors note, which I know will not be part of the story, I was expecting a full-on erotica type story. When I read Atlas Shrugged I was often distracted by frivolous sex scenes that didn't seem to fit in or progress the story. In your story I was amazed. Any scenes that may have bordered were very tasteful and necessary to progress the story. Well done. With the introductions, you made it clear without overburdening detail, that this was a story included polyamourous relationships. As Seto approached Joan and offered money for a night, the prostitution element was introduced.

One note that I want to make about the beginning: Though I really enjoyed the story and was drawn into it as I kept reading, the start didn't grab me. I'm not sure how I would change it though. This isn't an action/adventure story or one where a shocking event such as alien spacecraft landing comes into play. There's just something I can't put my finger on other than it seems to be a typical love story beginning at the train station where the two lovers' eyes meet and they embrace. As I said, I'm not sure HOW I would try to change it, but it's just a thought I had.


*Check2* Characters:
I was impressed that the descriptions of clothing and other parts of the characters were so well done. There was just enough detail to begin to form an idea, but not so much to distract or slow the story. Well done indeed. I think that this and the way you handled the dialogue impressed me the most. Just so you know, I'm taking notes for myself here on how to do this from your example. This is an area that I struggle greatly, so it's very refreshing to see this handled so well. Each piece of their personality, their relationships, their past, and their appearances were distributed in a way that helped make it a smooth growth of them without saying, "So, here's this guy wearing this and that and he's from here and there and did this and that." I've seen this type of writing before and felt it was cumbersome to get through. Keep building the characters the way you are, it works VERY well!


*Check2* Dialogue:
Ahh, now we get to my favorite part of your work. I really enjoyed reading the dialog. This is where I got to know the characters and what was going on. Here you told me through conversations a bit about each character. As I said in other sections, you spread it out. I felt as if I was learning about a newly met friend. Conversations have to happen over time and you did a great job with this.

I was especially impressed with the way you helped me keep track of who was talking. You used simple phrases such as Joan asked, Marc assured, Joan conceded, Marc called, said, etc. Simple, single words that gave me the right impression on how the dialogue was presented. "Marc called" showed me that he was sitting outside the dressing room (which I can imagine) and called out to Joan who was behind the door getting dressed. He didn't yell which would be out of scene and character, but did the elevated "call" which so many do in that situation.


*Check2* Flow:

I have to say, I really enjoyed how well the story flowed both within and between chapters. Each scene was set and changing from one to the next was not a distraction at all. There were not giant leaps at all.

A great example is going from the train station to the office: "..escorted her through the town as she worried about office etiquette. ...They entered a recessed door at the base of a three-story Victorian building.."

This worked so well. There was no need to call a taxi, drive the car, find a parking spot. They moved. The story moved. The next scene was the office building with a clear but good description that was not too loaded with details.

*Check2* Setting:
See "Flow" section starting with "This worked so well." Really good job at describing places over time. Each scene gave a little more information and as an artist would take his/her time, painted the scenes one piece at a time. I like that learning how a character looks (Marc being cleanly shaven is known in chapter 4 I believe.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
Nothing to suggest here. I thought it was well done.

*Check2* Suggestions:
As I've said throughout, I was very impressed and really enjoyed reading this. I admit that I came into it a bit skeptical and felt I was entering unfamiliar territory since I'm not familiar with the Yu-Gi-Oh stories. But in the end, I felt that I didn't need to be.

My only suggestion is to rethink the beginning scene. The train station works. The meeting of the lovers works. I just feel like it's too typical and a bit cliche. And, I really have no suggestion on how to improve it, so take this suggestion with a grain of salt as I'm not sure I'm being very helpful here.

Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!

For more information on how the rating systems work, please read "Comment-In-A-Box

William Stafford
Rocking reviewer Bill Stafford




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review by William Stafford
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Tim Chiu ,
I just finished reading "The Tide Seems Strengthened, and would like to share my thoughts. I found your poem through the search by type. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Keep in mind that these are my thoughts from reading your work and I am in no way an expert, but just a fellow reader sharing my impressions. Please use anything you find useful and discard the rest. I am learning more from your writing than I could ever share. Thank you for sharing! As an additional note: I am new to poetry, something I have always found mysterious but beautiful. Please bear with me as I work through my thoughts and share them with you. I admit to being fully inadequate to critique but want to learn.

*Check2* Overall Impression:
My first impression was evoked by comparing the title to the poem itself. This left me with a feeling of being on an inner tube where I had no control over where I would go and was left to bounce with the waves. I say this in a most positive meaning. In reading the title about the Tide being Strengthened and then the opening of the poem, I was drawn to this emotion. Overall, after reading it several times I really was able to focus my emotions on the state of being. I appreciate that. I'll explain more in the sections below.

*Check2* Title:
As I said above, the title gave me a bit of wishy-washy with the imagery. To me, this was not a bad thing at all. In fact, I began to appreciate it more with each reading. Tides flow in and out. A strengthening tide would be more forceful as it pulls the sand from the beach.


*Check2* Imagery:
The imagery was subtle, which is something I really like. I prefer having to use my brain than being spoon fed. This poem, beginning with the image of the Tide in the title and continuing through the poem I had to search. I had to read it several times. Not to "get it" but to really feel it. I found going from being the victim to being included again at the end compelling. I started by feeling injured and ended feeling as if I was amongst friends again.


*Check2* Rhythm:
Since I am new to poetry, I don't have a lot to say here. I did enjoy for my part, going back and re-reading it several times with a different cadence, paying more attention to the punctuation and enjambment to help me see. It seems more free form. Please correct me on this as I am learning.

*Check2* Structure & Form:
The flow worked well for me. I felt like I could experience each emotion along the way.

*Check2* Theme:
As a new reader of poetry, I appreciate the additional line of explanation under the title, "Political polarization..." as it did help me understand the nuance behind it all. I love politics and the goings on in the world, so this drew me in quickly.

*Check2* Suggestions:
For my part, I have no suggestions. I will return to this poem and read it, again and again, to better understand as I do feel it was well done. Thanks for posting it and allowing this newbie to review!

Thank you for sharing your poem. Write On!

For more information on how the rating systems work, please read "Comment-In-A-Box

William Stafford
Rocking reviewer Bill Stafford




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of Annie  
Review by William Stafford
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (1.0)
Hi carlton607 ,
I just finished reading "Annie, and would like to share my thoughts. I found your story in the Rockin' Reviewer Academy Lesson 2. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Keep in mind that these are my thoughts from reading your work. Please use anything you find useful and discard the rest. I am learning more from your writing than I could ever share. Thank you for sharing!

*Check2* Overall Impression:
The suspense is real! I can practically feel the wind and feel the fright from wondering what is going to happen as the storm passes through. I grew up in a tornado alley, so this type of suspense story definitely speaks to me. There are a number of grammar issues that have a big impact on the story and make it a bit difficult to get through.

*Check2* Plot:
The plot is clear to me. A night surviving the storm. I think this was presented well.

*Check2* Style and Voice:
I'm including the dialog and grammar/mechanical critique in this one space. These go hand in hand for this story. Though I can tell there is passion in the story about the fear, this is lost through the various mechanical issues. As the story is told, there are several areas that include run-on sentences and incorrect word usage. These make it especially difficult to read since I have to go back and make sure I read it right or got the gist. This is an area that not everyone is proficient in, but because it is mechanical it is easy to fix.

One thing I noticed is the over use of the word "and". Combining the thoughts and actions with this word is appropriate, but when it is overused it makes the flow difficult. For example "She dreamed of what had happened and several times she woke up in a chilling puddle of worry." This might be better expressed by reworking the structure to something like "Several times through the night she was awoken by her dreams of the past." Though I left out the part about the puddle of worry, the point is still made without the "and" in it.

There are also some word usage issues that need to be vetted. Pieceful, instead of peaceful. "because of his tail wagged" should be something like "because his tail was wagging".

The end was a shock that I didn't see coming at all. Annie died. There was no lead up to the event and no suggestion that this was a possibility. It achieves the value of grabbing attention but is out of place without some sort of association through the story.

*Check2* Suggestions:
My first, and strongest suggestion, is to work on the readability of the story. Part of this will be fixing grammar (including punctuation and sentence structure) and word usage issues. Once those are fixed, I think you're well on your way to a successful story.

If you would like, I am happy to re-review this one after you've had a chance to work on it a bit.

Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!

For more information on how the rating systems work, please read "Comment-In-A-Box

William Stafford
Rocking reviewer Bill Stafford




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review by William Stafford
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Ametorpe ,
I just finished reading "An Act of kindness (Writer's Cramp), and would like to share my thoughts. I found your story after seeing your post in the Noticing Newbies forum. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Keep in mind that these are my thoughts from reading your work. Please use anything you find useful and discard the rest. I am learning more from your writing than I could ever share. Thank you for sharing!

*Check2* Overall Impression:
The story is short, but honestly, I think that gives it a maximum impact. I was driven to read this to the end. Good job with the imagery and the way you tell the story. I enjoyed this very much and felt as if I was standing on the other side of the road watching it all play out. I have a couple of suggestions below that I hope are helpful.

*Check2* Plot:
In my opinion, this was well done. I felt like the story really moved forward and kept my attention.

*Check2* Style and Voice:
I like the style you present. The short and succinct descriptions work well.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
I felt that you did this very well also. An example of one that I especially liked was "The curtains had been left open because the night was hot and the moonlight filtered into the bedroom giving it a silvery glow."

You used just the right amount of words to give the idea without going overboard in the description. I can see this scene very well. I have the same sentiment throughout.

*Check2* Characters:
Since this is a shorter story, there's not much in the way of character development and that is fine here. Very easily I can understand everyone's role without having to go into detail. Any more would distract from the plot.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
This is an area that I feel may need just a little bit of work. Overall, it was fine, but there were some things that were distracting. For instance, having the bold was not usually needed. I do agree that the "KAAABOOOM!!" was well placed and well done. I wouldn't change that at all.

Using P.O.P instead of plaster of Paris was distracting. I would instead, just say "plaster" after you've already given the Plaster of Paris note previously.


*Check2* Suggestions:
Other than those mentioned above, I really don't have more suggestions. I think this was well written. Thanks for sharing!!

Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!

For more information on how the rating systems work, please read "Comment-In-A-Box

William Stafford
Rocking reviewer Bill Stafford




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review by William Stafford
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi mgb ,
I just finished reading "Swordsmans's Solace Chapter 1 part 1, and would like to share my thoughts. I found your story after seeing your post on the Newbies Forum. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Keep in mind that these are my thoughts from reading your work. Please use anything you find useful and discard the rest. I am learning more from your writing than I could ever share. Thank you for sharing!

*Check2* Overall Impression:
I like how you introduced the various important characters. It's obvious from this first chapter that Nilo will have a role to play throughout the story. You didn't give away "what happened" which helps keep the suspense. There are some grammar and punctuation errors which slowed me down a bit when I was reading. More on that later. As you created each scene, the in-depth and detailed descriptions, though good, seemed to slow things down a bit. Overall though, I really liked it and hope to read more as you develop the story!


*Check2* Plot:
Since this is the first chapter, I think the plot will thicken. I like where you're headed. Just after reading this I know that Nilo did something and that the convicts are heading to their doom on a five-day journey. Anything could happen! I like this build, seriously!

*Check2* Style and Voice:
This part is always a bit harder for me to judge. This is definitely an area that I struggle with myself. I will say that I felt like I was bogged down by the detailed descriptions, as I mentioned before.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
In setting the scene, the first one was great. It wasn't overly descriptive. However, some of the other descriptions seemed to be overly detailed, leaving very little to the reader's imagination. For a reader to invest more in the story, some of the descriptions can be a bit lax to let their imagination take over. Give them enough to head in the right direction. Here's an example: "Her second in command, from how he was dressed, which meant he was the arsehole running the whole affair. Some self-important Helvian ponce in Galdinian style full plate, with useless gold decorations riveted on. Pretty black hair and an unblemished face that made him look younger than Argere did not instill confidence."

The first sentence is great. It shows that his dress showed his power. With the one in bold and italics above, the description is heavy. The question to ask is "how does this move the story forward?" and "Is this critical to the story development?"


*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
This area does need some work. One thing that I noticed was the use of "or" quite a bit. This adds words that are not always needed for the story. An example is: " didn’t consider her influential or important enough". In this particular instance, the use of both "influential" and "important" are not needed. I would simply eliminate the "or important" part and the sentence would be great.

Convictes should be convicts. Other items such as comma usage also slow down the reading a bit. I use different tools for proofreading and it has helped me quite a bit. I admit, this isn't my strong suit so I do rely on the tools and then reviews from others to point me in the right direction here.

*Check2* Suggestions:
I really enjoyed reading this and hope you'll share more. I'd be glad to re-review this in the future if you want to make any changes. The suggestions I would put at the top of the list are:
1. Give the reader more ability to "imagine" things like the armor which more subtle descriptions.
2. As you read and re-read, ask whether or not each part moves the story forward or offers an important piece of information to the reader. If not, take it out and read it again.
3. Grammar and punctuation need to be checked. This wasn't as bad as it sounds, but it did slow me down a bit.

Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!

For more information on how the rating systems work, please read "Comment-In-A-Box

William Stafford
Rocking reviewer Bill Stafford




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review of "Dear Me"  
Review by William Stafford
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow! Your strength in the face of such trauma and adversity is inspiring. Battling on to complete your works, knowing that the big C could return at any moment shows your perseverance and true strength. I'm amazed at your 'dear me' story and compelled to re-evaluate my own life for changes that put the priorities in the right place. Thanks!
17
17
Review of Darkness  
Review by William Stafford
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting poem. Do we live in constant fear or darkness? Is the candle lit or do we only get used to the lack of light? We view the world in dim light and fear what we cannot perceive. Though we try to look for the positive in life, do we plan for or expect the worse? Good imagery.
18
18
Review by William Stafford
Rated: E | (5.0)
I have to admit that I have a hard time with poetry and often do not understand the meaning. This was incredible. I love the verses and feel the slap. I often have endless nights where I'm lying awake thinking about something to write being only at a loss. Thank you for this. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
19
19
Review of Redemption  
Review by William Stafford
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
What a riveting story. As I read each scene, I could see, feel, hear, and smell what was going on. Excellent descriptions. I couldn't stop reading if I wanted. I will admit that the end loses me a bit. I can't tell who was being buried. Part of me assumed it was the child based on the priest's words, another part of me is not sure. I want to read more to find out!

Great read. Thanks!
20
20
Review by William Stafford
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow. What an incredible story. My own father had stories of various doctors appointments that ended in great frustration as he grew older. He often said he felt that a person had a "good until" date and once you passed that date, even the doctors treated you like you were a waste of their time. Well written and sad.
21
21
Review of The Bag  
Review by William Stafford
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ahh, this was good. I thought the beginning was well written as you didn't have to build the scene in advance but I was able to visualize as the story went on. I almost missed the fact that Shawn was retired, so my mind was building an image of a younger (30 something) person.

The suspense of what was in the bag was also good. I was on the edge of my seat imagining a severed head. (I love watching mafia movies). When the two eyes were mentioned my mind exploded and then went immediately to "awww" when I read the rest. Well done.
22
22
Review by William Stafford
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow, riveting! The idea of the ring's power conjures images of Lord of the Rings, where Bilbo puts on the ring and disappears. Thoughts of what happens next, where did they go, and what nefarious activities will ensue are racing through my mind!

My only issue is that I want to know more. Excellent work!
23
23
Review of Walk Me Home  
Review by William Stafford
Rated: E | (3.5)
I very much enjoyed your story. I would love to see you expand this to a longer form short story with more depth, such as Patrick seeking to find the wife and what happens when he delivers the message.

One thing that gave me pause was how you presented the date and time. I could encourage a simpler method because it seemed to interrupt the flow. Otherwise, good job and keep it up!
23 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/wstafford