|You have tons of inconsistencies in your story that you will have to clear up in order for your story to have any kind of flow.
In your first sentence you say
“…on my way home from work when my friends stopped by…”
“on my way” implies you’re in motion and “my friends stopped by” implies you’re stationary and the friends are in motion and they stopped to see you. The sentence doesn’t make sense.
Another thing is you constantly say the same words over and over in the same paragraph. Once a reader hears a description, they don’t want to hear it repeated, they want new things, new action, new ideas. So you have to combine the sentences in order not repeat your descriptions.
Also the reader can get a lot just from the context. Here is a simple example
“…and smiled at me with this Cheshire cat smile.” Everyone know what Cheshire implies - dump the cat, its distracting, and we know who she’s smiling at, we don’t need to be told it’s you….maybe…simply... she smiled with a Cheshire smile…
And you go on and on and on and on about the dance floor stuff, until it’s lost its sexiness and becomes completely boring.
And when they get in the truck, he’s going to talk about playing with himself? Your conversation was barely believable up until that point. And from that point on, none of it was even slightly believable.
And your redundant, repeated, redundant, repeated, redundant, descriptions of the huge size and copious amounts of fluid - are boring, at best, to a straight man and most likely disgusting to most girls. The only group that I think will find this exciting are gay guys.
And on top of all this, you have no story. No reason for anything to happen. A story has a set-up, a protagonist, possibly an antagonist, a conflict, and a resolution. You just go nowhere.
You started out with what sounded like the start of a conflict, with the phone conversation, then you wiped out the only part of this that is a story, with the paragraph in parenthesis that is a bunch of confusing babble that made little sense, but to say everything about the phone conversation wasn’t real.
How do you salvage this “story?”
If you want to keep the constant reference to size and fluid, make it a boy he gets into the truck with and turn it into a gay story.
Otherwise, get rid of three-fourths of the content, collapse the paragraph after paragraph of the descriptions of his maleness into one paragraph.
Get it on with the girl in the truck and lose the doctor crap. That or go gay with it.
Sorry my straight guy opinion! I’ll give you a 3.5 so it doesn’t mess your stars, but that’s 3 points too high for this piece. Plus I don’t see a radio button for half a star.
Also it should be rated higher then 18+