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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/yacolt
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367 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by yacolt
Rated: E | (4.5)
i think this idea works good and you did well but for the subject matter it does seem a little long i tend to write long and lots of my poems are too long but i do go through and try to cut any redundant ideas and make sure every line actually adds something to the poem 4.5 for the good idea but it could be strengthened up some


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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2
Review by yacolt
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
the premise here is great as i'm sure other people have said and the analogy is nicely done

so having said that i think formatting the work into sentences instead of the blocks you have would make it easier to read and reader to be able to see your the point faster

maybe put the sentence structure inside the blocks you have already just add extra spaces between each statement block you now have
any way just thoughts on the format the rest is good


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Good morning!  
Review by yacolt
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
i am into erotica and i think that sexy descriptions and details are really the most important part of erotica and you do have nice descriptions. i do have a little problem with the "show don't tell" requirement people always say about how to write stories it seems more telling rather then the readers seeing and feeling the story

while is see the plot is to only have conversation at the end and you do have some reaction from the "you" that is getting the action perhaps some more of her reaction that could take the place of conversation that usually keeps a story moving anyway just my thoughts the stars are mostly because you had good sex details the important part of erotica



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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4
Review by yacolt
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
you have written a lot on your story and i commend that i tried some longer stories and it is hard it took me forever because it was so slow for me do it conversation is hard for me and i sometimes ramble along and forget to just get to the point and move faster and i see some of that is your writing

if four lines can take the place of six lines it must be done 100 words can be distilled to forty you want to do that even when you see your words vanish with the delete button

i didn't see a lot of big things happening fast and a lot of readers are going to want that and the build ups weren't clear black and white or clear pictures but seemed muddled to me it reminds me of some writing i have done where i just had nice background and ordinary conversation that was actually kind of boring

the very good thing is you have a lot here to work with if you can live with the scalpel you shroud be able to repair what you have and i don't know if you put the whole story in an outline form but you need to that it usually helps the writer to make the path of the a lot easier to follow

good luck you do have a lot written down to work with and i see you have edited your work so that is a good thing some people never edit so i don't even know why they ask for reviews




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of --Untitled--  
Review by yacolt
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
i like the stream of mind type of poetry and i'm a fan of short lines with punch but i feel you have too many short lines for any of them to come out with a strong punch also the way this poem s written i think it would strengthen it by adding some of the short lines together so the short ones will have more impact

you also have a lot of forced words and lines and some lines the are awkward like
Need Cliff's notes cause I'm a dummy.
some of those cliches can be used effectively but a lot of the time they water down what you are trying to say

i would say throw out anything that isn't completely necessary - sometimes it hurts to toss out what you wrote but often half the poem is twice as strong


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of The Painting  
Review by yacolt
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
it appeared to me that while you had a core story it seems that some of the conversation especially in the beginning and the characters meandered on without much focus and it slowed things down also the separation of big chunks of description and long sections of conversation doesn't work for me i would have rather read the disruptions cleverly mingled with the conversation anyway just a suggestion
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Review by yacolt
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
you will hear this a million times here a giant block of text makes your piece basically unreadable on a computer screen so first please divide it up into paragraphs and lines then it can be read and reviewed it was too hard to read in the block type but i skimmed over it and i think the short sentences work but you have a heck of f a lot of short sentences but i thought from what i did see you are showing a story but you will have to brake up the one block to see what you have
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Review of Lay it straight  
Review by yacolt
Rated: E | (4.0)
it goes fairly smooth although i do see few lumps to me but poetry is the hardest for the author to change i would say taking out three or four of the weaker or redundant lines would tighten up the poem up without losing anything looks like you have a good base

and i think try'na would look better then tryna
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Review of Soul Mates  
Review by yacolt
Rated: E | (4.5)
I haven’t been by my page for a while but I saw you did a review for me so I thought I would check out one of your links. I like the subject of this poem and I thought you did a good job of setting up the feeling of opposites attracting.
I never really got the concepts of the old soul and new soul idea but I know it means something to those that understand the meaning of it and you did a good job of using that in your poem. I actually feel I know more about it from reading what you wrote.
Nice about you guys being together that long doesn’t always happen that way.
Good poem and nice story
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10
Review by yacolt
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I'm pretty much into sci-fi so I thought I would take the time to point out a couple of things that might help. First, as you might have been told, starting out with a lot of description about the character descriptions isn't recommended.

Maybe just the planet description and get into the conversation of the story. Then add the character descriptions as you go along.

You have a creature attack and then later say "the beast had silently glided…" it is better to have the action and describe things as it happens rather then describe things after they happen. I hear it all the time when reviews say to me "show don't tell." I hear it a lot LOL

The other thing is you have is a lot of sentences that are really separate, but you have then hooked together with commas. I've been told that it is called run on sentences or comma spliced sentences. Petty easy to fix, just make more sentences and only keep one or two commas in each sentence.

The story is done well, and it is pretty funny. And the end is satisfying. So that's good. I think you have everything there and if you could clear up the paragraphs a little it will be easier to follow.

Sometime I paste two identical paragraphs on the same page. Then I take one of them and try to cut it down as smooth as I can and compare it to the unaltered paragraph. If I can say the same thing is fewer words, and not lose anything I want to say, it is better to have fewer words.

So you did good job and with a little rewrite it can only get better!
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Review by yacolt
Rated: E | (4.0)
Try changing the word around and it will go better with plastic

chasing a Jello mollusk around a molded tray

chasing a Jello mollusk across a plastic tray

other parts of the poem could be smoother but some people get mad if I suggest too much, but you did ask!

So… the opening line needs fixed pretty bad and

Alone at the edge, she hoists a shivering spoon.

Poetry is sometimes better if it arranges the words differently then prose

At the edge, alone she hoists a shivering spoon.

Ok enough damage done… just imo…

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Review by yacolt
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Vary creative I must say with the rapid fire sentences and wild vivid descriptions of, well, I’m not sure. This is like a good acid trip, you had a great time, but are insure about the events that gave you that good time.

I like the erotic part of the girl, not sure what it meant, maybe a dream, after you got out of bed, and fell back in, but it was done well.

Your staccato sentences did get a bit worn after a while and maybe if you had some longer sentences mixed in, the short stabbing sentences would be more powerful. Still leave the thoughts fragmented; just hook them together with commas rather then periods.

Very interesting I think I need to eat some mushrooms to come down.
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Review of Coyote  
Review by yacolt
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)



I stumbled a bit and thought it was a coyote pack… at first.

…watched the coyote the pack had…


The paragraph …. to a section of land in North Central Texas … has a lot of repeated information and needs cleaned up.

In fact the whole section down to the conversation is long and many readers, and certainly publishers that look at buying stories, will find that a deal killer.

That’s why I felt you have to have a better starting sentence. some won’t read much past the first sentience if it doesn’t grab them


Try comparing him with the rejected wolf and much of the other information you want as you go along with the story’s conversation.

Sometimes it’s called - information dump – where to much information is dropped at once. If you could spread out the background info over some action pages that will help a lot. Also btw braking up the blocks of text makes things easier to read on the screen.

As far as the story itself and your descriptions, those are good. You just need to get things moving along faster. Imo….
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Review by yacolt
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)


Sorry my spelling is so bad I have to type in Word and then paste into the comment box, I made a mistake and pasted both of you reviews into one box. Here is what I meant to paste here!




I wouldn’t think myself as a blogger, a twitterer, or even having a journal I would write every day in. it seems pretty brave of you to start up a blog on this site. Your post was sweet and thoughtful.

A nice entry. Now all you have to do is keep it up and write something good every day! I could never do it, too hard me.
Good luck on school!
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Review by yacolt
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I enjoyed this story; it was sweet and child like, with the talking animals. I did find some of the animal conversation the same as the human conversation and the over lap lost me a couple of times, but probably no big deal. A couple of other times when you were explaining things it might be possible to tighten up some, but great over all. Thanks for the story!
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Review by yacolt
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
You have tons of inconsistencies in your story that you will have to clear up in order for your story to have any kind of flow.

In your first sentence you say

“…on my way home from work when my friends stopped by…”
“on my way” implies you’re in motion and “my friends stopped by” implies you’re stationary and the friends are in motion and they stopped to see you. The sentence doesn’t make sense.

Another thing is you constantly say the same words over and over in the same paragraph. Once a reader hears a description, they don’t want to hear it repeated, they want new things, new action, new ideas. So you have to combine the sentences in order not repeat your descriptions.

Also the reader can get a lot just from the context. Here is a simple example

“…and smiled at me with this Cheshire cat smile.” Everyone know what Cheshire implies - dump the cat, its distracting, and we know who she’s smiling at, we don’t need to be told it’s you….maybe…simply... she smiled with a Cheshire smile…

And you go on and on and on and on about the dance floor stuff, until it’s lost its sexiness and becomes completely boring.

And when they get in the truck, he’s going to talk about playing with himself? Your conversation was barely believable up until that point. And from that point on, none of it was even slightly believable.

And your redundant, repeated, redundant, repeated, redundant, descriptions of the huge size and copious amounts of fluid - are boring, at best, to a straight man and most likely disgusting to most girls. The only group that I think will find this exciting are gay guys.

And on top of all this, you have no story. No reason for anything to happen. A story has a set-up, a protagonist, possibly an antagonist, a conflict, and a resolution. You just go nowhere.

You started out with what sounded like the start of a conflict, with the phone conversation, then you wiped out the only part of this that is a story, with the paragraph in parenthesis that is a bunch of confusing babble that made little sense, but to say everything about the phone conversation wasn’t real.

How do you salvage this “story?”

If you want to keep the constant reference to size and fluid, make it a boy he gets into the truck with and turn it into a gay story.

Otherwise, get rid of three-fourths of the content, collapse the paragraph after paragraph of the descriptions of his maleness into one paragraph.

Get it on with the girl in the truck and lose the doctor crap. That or go gay with it.

Sorry my straight guy opinion! I’ll give you a 3.5 so it doesn’t mess your stars, but that’s 3 points too high for this piece. Plus I don’t see a radio button for half a star.

Also it should be rated higher then 18+
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Review by yacolt
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
The story concept sounds interesting and off hand it just seems hard to do, but you do tell a understandable story with this idea.

you’ve never had the pleasure of that feeling…. Don’t get this …displeasure?


but Smokey had already made it to the basement steps. Smokey had been running so fast that when he made it to the stairs he was unable to stop himself from sliding.

It would be nice if the thoughts were condensed some of the paragraphs like above - the stairs are mentioned twice - wonder if you could rewrite so the steps were referenced once and you saved some words off the explanation?

Other examples are the paragraphs

We expected Joshua’s mother to be home

And the paragraph

It was two years later when I had my first encounter

Both seemed to me to have extra words and redundant explanations in them. Other paragraphs I feel have the same problem.


There are some other things that makes it a little hard to read for me, but you have plenty of comments so you probably already have had lots of help.

You did well enough with what I think is a difficult story idea.
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Review by yacolt
Rated: E | (5.0)
Your story about your experiences of going to science fiction conventions was interesting and well written - in an easy to read retelling of the events.
It must have been exciting to be involved in the Sci-fi conventions back in the good ol’ days.

I have heard that the rule was there were few girls going to the convention and the ones that did were not so hot, but I can see that you were an exception to the rule.

I have always been a Sci-fi fan and joined Writing.com to try to get feedback on some Sci-fi stories I am working on. But the current Sci-fi writing is a lot different than it was back when Isaac Asimov was writing. My stuff sounds so dated now.

Anyway and thanks for sharing that part of your life.
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Review by yacolt
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
People sometimes hate it if you mess with their poetry

but here goes.

The sentiment is good and the story part is easy to see. So really good already from much of what is here.

The meter is readable that’s good, but still could use little, but not much.

To bay the sentences are pretty much ordinary writing sentences and not pictorially poetic.

Still very good compared to the last few I have seen maybe a little gitty on the rate button
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Review of I Seek Answers  
Review by yacolt
Rated: E | (4.0)
Again, boy, do people hate it if you mess with their poetry
Again, I keep telling myself I shouldn’t even review it – but again I still do

What do you think? What do you want?

when your skies are grey? brighten your skies of grey?

and drive your worries away? Lose the ‘and’


Am I the answer to your problems Will I answer your problems
and the root of your fears? and soothe your root of fear?


I think I’ve done enough, my damage here is done
Are the other points? Yes my dear, there are some
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Review of Today  
Review by yacolt
Rated: E | (4.5)
Boy do people hate it if you mess with their poetry
I keep telling myself I shouldn’t even review it - but I still do

All in all, your poem is a short happy poem



I think

Put the ‘I shared’ from the first line -- into the second line

lose the ‘little’

Today I shared with someone else,

A little bit of hope I had.

Today I sang a little song,

And felt my heart grow light.



Maybe lose the ‘Today’ in the third line

But is see you use that word a lot, so it might be a pattern you have

A couple of other things, but I’m stopping now before I get you mad
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Review of American Suffrage  
Review by yacolt
Rated: E | (4.0)
You seem to know where you are going with this story, but over detail at times.

Like after --“Sighing, Jackson shoved his hands on his hips.”

And then two paragraphs of detail, that is well written, but it’s right in the middle of the very important part where they are confronting the main issue. If anything their inside feelings should be here, not stuff out the window.

The details are nice, maybe cut them out and use them somewhere else, when she’s thinking or remembering things.

Every things alright with the conversation, but just so. Wish something sparkled, some words that reached out and dug in and held me, still alright I guess.

Anyway the premise is good. Think each conversation line over and see if it really seems natural and instance with feelings enough.

Write on!
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Review of Was It A dream?  
Review by yacolt
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is good and I like it. I’m not so much into the vampire thing but I did do a story poem about one - since the genre is so poplar.

I like the idea of floating makes me think of a spell, the pale moon is good too. I do think the format of the lines could be a little cleaner. Not sure why the extra works “of my room” is in the sentence “Past the light glow of my room” when glow is so good with know. Past the light glow - sounds alright to me.

Also the coolness line seem like it could be divided and put on two shorter lines.

I like - the racing of my blood – that’s certainly vampire like and - working powers - again a good analogy. Very good, the minor format thing isn’t really a big deal.

Good work and good writing
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Review of clever poison  
Review by yacolt
Rated: 18+ | (1.5)
Here is how I feel about your poem
It’s just in my opinion but I think I speak for us all…

You put each sentence, you put one on each line
I guess it’s a poem, there’s no need to rhyme
You need no rhythm, need no meter, your drunk
It’s not poetry, do us a favor! Crash your truck

Please, please, please, stop.
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Review of Dropoff  
Review by yacolt
Rated: E | (4.0)
I read several of your poems and was going to review something that hasn’t been reviewed, but since this piece is sort of like what you reviewed for me, questions and a mystery without explanation, I decided to review this one.

I like the way you set up a mysterious background, but it still seems to be familiar or something we’ve been told about.

Also, I like the way there is no real explanation about what is happing and you leave that up to the reader’s imagination.

Good job
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