I can identify with wanting spring - the cold isn’t really my forte. Also the cold one day and warm the next.
Since poetry is often meant to read aloud - I wonder how the NC would be read? Just wondering…
Young seedlings produce a ray of hope
Eternal hope for things to come
In my opinion this was a very well written story about a child’s relationship with his family and especially his not so understanding father and brother. I felt the story held the readers attention and lead up well to the tragic twist at the end. Very good job on this you had characters easy the see and identify with. You keep my interest all the way through. The story had things that were memorable and came to my mind later in the day after it had read it. – I liked it a lot!
I’m into science fiction and so your poem was right up my ally. It was cute and funny I liked your plays on words about the planets like the Saturn rings and the green Martian. I think your rhymes were nice and didn’t really over reach.
My comments are just my thoughts and opinions and should be considered as just one person’s opinion.
You did a good job setting out your story, but here are a couple of thoughts I have.
As many people will tell you on this site it is better the live a blank line in-between sections of your story it easier to read. Also another thing that sounds a bit counter intuitive but using a lot of word tags like whispers, roared, thunders isn’t as easy for the reader the just says or said. Those tags go by without distracting the reader. The descriptive tags make the reader’s thoughts slow down. Usually they say it should be 80% said or says. You aren’t a lot over that but I did notice you had quit a few extras on the tags. You have done a good job and a little formatting will show your work better.
I felt you did a great job of getting out the raw feelings and the conflicting emotions of both wishing that they had never met and got involved and on the other hand wanting the relationship to still happen.
I’m not sure about the poem’s rhythm; it wasn’t very obvious at least to me. But that could just be me. Good job and write on!
My comments are just my thoughts and opinions and should be considered as just one person’s opinion.
I’m not heavy into the tweet, facebook, or other social networking so I could identify with the protagonist. Too bad he got caught up into the internet networking since it didn’t turn out that good for him in the end.
You story was very good and had things that make people think.
Your sentences structure is very good and your piece is easy to read through. In spite of the fact it is one long background and not broken up with current action or conversation, except at the very end.
It is ok at this length, however if this is going to be a longer piece - and this is only the start - it will be a very long ‘information dump’ as they say. You may want to get more of your story going and add this in as you go along. Maybe …
One little thing “William never cried,” then he cried. Maybe he ‘had never’ cried or ‘rarely’ just wondering…. Good writing and good job…
I have some interest in screenplays - not sure exactly why - but I think it has something to do with the fact that they are so dialogue driven, and conversation is high in the list of things I wish I could improve in my own writing.
So I have looked at them, did research on the internet, and talked to people that have written them.
So here are my thoughts on this piece… please remember my comments are - in my opinion - and they are just my thoughts…
You have a lot of stuff describing the scene. Such as
‘They begin walking down the empty hallway to their homeroom.
They were always at school earlier than most of the
students. There was something they both enjoyed about being
there while it was nearly devoid of teenage life.’
I have been told that adding too much detail isn’t really a help. It is the director’s job to put his vision on what the people think and feel outside of the characters actual dialogue.
(He gets paid a lot more the writer and might even not do the job if he feels he’s being told what to do)
“They begin walking down the empty hallway to their homeroom.” Maybe better then the above.
Since it’s all about the dialogue and (imo…) you should dial down some of the thoughts from the blocks of information and descriptions - why not add it into the dialogue?
She could say something about liking the red wrapping paper. And maybe she could say something like “you got me something from Jay Jewelers?” (with a pained voice)
She begins pulling the ribbon carefully, but when she isn’t
getting far, in true Sarah style she pulls it hard until it
snaps. She removes the crinkling red paper to reveal a
slender gray jewelry box with the inscription of Jay
Jewelers on the top. She looks up at Tom with a slightly
pained look.
So my suggestion is (for what it’s worth) to cut out much of the descriptions of what the characters think and just stick to the basic movements and actions in those blocks. Then take those feeling that you have described in the blocks and turn them into dialogue
One last thing and that is about the voice over. Keeping with the minimal descriptions of the peoples feelings
From that moment, Sarah realized
that Tom was nicer than most boys
she’d met. So she refrained from
torturing him like she did the
others.
‘From that moment,’ is not necessary and it’s distracting - since it is happing right then in the film
The word ‘most’ is weak here - why not be stronger and say ‘the other’
I don’t see where – ‘like she did the others’ - adds anything and again I feel it is redundant and distracting.
I think that you have a good feeling and flow of what you want your characters to say and do. I just think you would be better served to put the “doing” part into the dialogue and not into the blocks where it might conflict with what is the director’s job.
This is just my opinion as a reader and I know poetry is really personal, so if I say something that doesn’t fit with what you think, just ignore it.
I thought this was pretty humorous, the old broken down vampires. I’m not so much into them although this site has plenty of stuff about them, so I did a take an off beat take like you did but not funny like you have.
Great job on the metric and the rhyme I loved the reverse play on the good old days
Thanks for posting this
This is just my opinion as a reader and I know poetry is really personal, so if I say something don’t think I’m trying to muck up your poem.
I think you did well for a short time you are allowed. There is some stretching for rhyming words and the third line could be fixed up, but all in all very good for just out of the box.
Not sure except for the last line about the prompt though
This is just my opinion as a reader and I know poetry is really personal, so if I say something its just imo….
Usually I find it hard to feel the rhythm when the writer uses very long and very short sentences on the different lines, but I feel you did a good job with this because in this case I did feel the rhythm in your piece
Good job and keep on writing as they like to say here!
In a way it almost sounded like a play on the biblical manger scene, and in fact in a bible book that didn’t get canonized there is a reference to the Phoenix and its rebirth every 500 years. And for a second I thought maybe the “hallow” in “…was hallow in the base” might be spiritual but later you used “hollowed” so I guess you will have to fix a typo.
You did a good job on your story although I’m not sure if it is --- he asked --- and his wife already knew the answer or if he knew the answer and was asking rhetorically
“…he asked his wife already knowing the answer.”
Also I’m guessing that the last line was Nathan’s.
This is all in my opinion and I’m just commenting as a reader assuming you won’t mind me chipping in my feelings on your story.
As I have mentioned your story is written well enough but since you put it up here I’m assuming you want to improve it. I can’t give you as good of an idea as maybe a really hard core cloak and sword reader might I can at least give my feeling on what you have.
One thing I had trouble withy was all the different terms and things such as
Soul Drainer
Orca Troll
Dark Forest
Hell Raiders
And the many, many others –I could have added - I feel that they were sprinkled in with less information about them then I would have liked.
Also I would have liked some hints along the way about the big future events that all the characters seemed to be training and questing for. Perhaps they were there but too subtle for me to see. Sorry if that is the case.
Anyway you have a lot of your story written and you seem to know where you are going with it. So good luck and as they always say here --- Write On!
Reading through your story I feel that you have a better idea of what your story means to you and where it is going then you have managed to get through to me.
I’m sure some of that is because I’m not a regular reader of this type of story so I may not know the formula that is used in this genre - but I also think tightening up some of the story line with a clearer direction wouldn’t hurt.
Like they say - if there is a theory in science you know then you should be able to explain it to your grandma who knows nothing about science.
I think you have a story that some people will like - but to some people I don’t think you have made it as clear as you could. I wish I could say there is a title wave behind me wanting to know the rest, but I don’t have a clear enough of an idea of where you are going to have that feeling.
Still I think you did good enough of a job that you will at least have the choir behind you
If you look it up you will find that a lot of writing advice will tell you that adding a lot of extra stuff besides just the word - said - distracts the reader from the story. A simple he or she said should be used most of the time instead of going overboard with descriptions like the ones below
said Cody shakily
Max shakily answered
in a rough voice,
Garen said in a strict voice.
Garen said in a rough voice,
asked Becky in a puzzled voice
I know it sounds like you are adding emotion - but the conversation words themselves should carry the emotion - adding the tags slows and distracts the reader
I have noticed sometimes you have a unnatural feeling to your descriptions, which is common I have that problem also, and I have to go back and smoth it out a lot.
Here are a couple of examples
in a wider area of the path. Perhaps - in a wide area of the path - is simpler
…and jumped back to see a bruised, gashed,-- makes it sound like he had to jump back in order to see the body
somewhat shocked voice why somewhat? Maybe just say a shocked voice it is a gruesome event
“…dragon with every Fire of Color” “…not seen; blue, red, yellow, and white.” again I wish I had a better understanding of the fire colors thing so I would under stand the meaning that the dragon had these not before seen colors.
Your conversation is generally good but sometimes your characters say things that seem a little out of place like “hypothetical conclusions’ that sounds a bit odd for an old world conversation.
This is all in my opinion and I’m just commenting as a reader assuming you won’t mind me chipping in my feelings on your story.
He was startled but ‘it was only a cat dragging off a mouse.” Then it was someone in the next sentence that startled him. I guess this is to show he is jumpy?
Rainbow Fire blasts
with Purple Fire
Green Fire
You did take a few sentences to explain something about what this is, but still I think you could have give me a little better understanding of this type of power.
Near Star
Tablet Room
Healing Room
Kind of the same thing here - not sure I really got a very strong mental picture of these meanings either.
I don’t know why you write “younger looking woman” and then go into a probably unnecessarily long description of her and then at the end say “Her name was Jennifer and she was Kyle’s mother.”
Why not just say the last sentence outright? Does it have to be hidden until the end of the paragraph? And perhaps it might be nice to save some of the mothers dircription and oput it in later.
This is all in my option and I’m just commenting as a reader assuming you won’t mind me chipping in my feelings on your story.
I think that the description in the first paragraph is alright but to me it would be better to have the couple in the second paragraph first with the “it’s beautiful,” and use the first sentence in the description of them, then first descriptive paragraph next, perhaps a little shorter, then Layle’s answer. Imo… it might be a stronger start
I think your over all story has a nice ending twist to it. Not a lot of stories here have to do with positive love - in fact the last one I reviewed the guy killed off his older wife!
In this story your writing has a straight forward story line and it doesn’t have a lot of weaving around or extra stuff which is good. (Something I need to work on in my stories)
Sorry I’m back on another poem even though I may have t’d you off on the last one.
Poetry is soooo hard to review unless you just say good job and rate it high, the writer usually hates you. You did review my x rated poem so I just came by to return the review
When we die what will become of us?
Will we dine with Pluto
Isn’t Pluto a planet - oh wait a dwarf planet
I think you mean Plato
(Sorry I went for the joke)
Anyway the rest of the piece does make someone think. I like the way you brought up the conflicting theories on what happens at death.
Tried the topic myself with something I called If? But it went on longer and I think you basically said what I was trying for better and shorter.
Remember the suggestions are only my opinions and you can take it or leave it as you wish
Can’t say I’m a poet expert, I do write some, but not even sure why I do it. However here is a couple of pennies worth on what I think.
I do see people put one or two long lines in with shorter ones. I have no idea how that works out with the rhythm and I am always confused.
I sometimes will mix short and long, if I find a reason for a few long lines together or sometimes make each line a little longer trying to build up a feeling.
But to suddenly have a one long line out in space by itself confuses me.
Is:
You barely looked at me.
You said “hi” as your eyes searched the crowd for another
Before finally walking away
Better then:
You barely looked at me.
You said “hi” as your eyes searched
Looking in the crowd for another
Before finally walking away
Don’t know, but I would go the last way myself.
Until the car horn honked
And I had to leave.
a little unclear here, I’m guessing she was asked to leave because someone else arrived, but it could also mean she left with the horn honker
if the first four lines were long and then went shorter I wouldn’t find that off, but
imo… I would take 2,3,4 and divide them in half and make 6 lines from them
I’d also put the word ‘but’ on the same line as ‘I’m afraid’
Ok, no one likes their poetry messed with. Sorry
Just imo…
Ps. I think you did a good job on the feeling and subject matter just the trying to read the rhythm was what I was saying
Remember the suggestions are only my opinions and you can take it or leave it as you wish
I have read a bit about 15th-century Florence and the politics of the time. We don’t really have a clue in today’s world how powerful the church was in every event in life. And how careful someone had to be.
I think you did a good job on this piece. It was informative and come across as a good read to me
This is just my opinion and you can take it or leave it.
I think you are getting out the beliefs and responsibilities you feel you have, but you could do better in the rhythm and rhyme department.
The fact the third line and the forth rhyme - but not the others seams arbitrary to me. Imo... it would be to start with the third line so the rhymes are apart some
Same with line two and three in the next verse
Just saying what you feel is the way to start a poem but if you want good poetry then the rhythm and rhyme matters --- imo…
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