From all the rhetorical questions character asks I get a sense that he knows he has a problem but don’t feel that he will admit that unless there is some event that really shakes him up. The fact that those close to him got together to help and he rejects that compassion makes me feel that it would be a pretty big event to get him to pay attention any problem he may have.
I read through all four of your posts and tried to give my impression of what I got from each page.
I think your overall your idea of the casino setting give the possibly of lots of intrigue and action since it brings money and possibly shady characters together. I see Leslie as good looking I just wish I had a better idea on her personality. Is she sweet? I know you said she was naive but she could still be both that and bitchy. Also I would like to have more description of her moving, how she walks and maybe some facially expressions.
Also you have a background that is in your mind but still isn’t given to the reader. Once you have that give to the reader it will be easer to have them move around in that world.
I put my feeling of what each page is on each page. But over all you have good idea for a start to getting the world you want to share down.
You did a review of the Neanderthal and flat-face so I usually try to do a review for review. You suggested this piece so here I am. As you know it is very difficult to format at this site I had to spend way to much time formatting the italics and bold
It looks like you have some of the same problem with the very long spaces between the sections of words. Unless you did that on purpose and, if that is the case, I don’t understand it; because I find no a reason that it helps the story.
I had hard to read sentences in your sentence structure you have it easy and fast to read. However I did get the impressing of traveling fast but unsure of where I was going. I got the impression from the writing that I will compare to a movie critic - one that complains a move has all the formula elements – like car crashes - sex and violence but the actors are cardboard figures for the explosions to blow up around.
You had a lot of description of different things that were around the actors and things they did - but I never got a since of purpose of why they were doing what they did. They just moved. Also the background was described in block words – rather have the show me don’t tell me thing – like they always say.
Perhaps readers of this type of story are there more for the background of gorge and the thoughts of demonic characters and not so interested in a sharp story line to have the action around. Millions are made that way in the movies just effects and scenery get the fans in.
One that last thing
Daisy took off her coat, revealing a body, even in the work shirt and polyester pants that were her uniform, which men dreamed of.
Daisy took off her coat, revealing a body under her uniform, which men dream of.
All the other polyester stuff distracts me - I just want to visualize her body
You start out good with the first few sentences but then in my opinion the description goes on little to long.
Something I have been doing is to take and cut out a paragraph by itself. Then I will paste that paragraph it in twice into word.
Then on one of the copies I see if can somehow combine the thoughts of two or three sentences into one thought and if possible one sentence. I was surprised how often I had said part of the same thing in more then one sentence.
So I cut out the words on the working copy and set the in-between one copy and the next so it don’t have to re-type things. Then I try to see how I can write the samething I want with as few words as I can. Then I do a word count and see if I can cut as much a one fourth of the words out.
And you know a lot of the time I can cut out quit a bit and still have what I want
For example you have “The front of the house” on one line and then on the next line you have “The front of the house again”. If you could use the thought of “The front of the house” only one time and describe both things you want you will save - five words and the reader will only have to visualize the front of the house once.
Anyway that is my opinion….
You have the start of a story I just think you could bring it out clearer with a less.
I do remember the - The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe - and remember very well reading - The Screwtape Letters. I have heard of the - The Chronicles of Narnia – but have never read them. I thought - The Screwtape Letters was good.
Thank you for an informative article and it did make me Google C.S.Liews and find he also write something called The Space Trilogy and as sci-fi guy that sound interesting
Just some thoughts here… remember it’s all in my opinion…
Your story is interesting but it is hard to read through lots of words - so less is better - if you can say the same thing.
As an example you have…
“Feeling anxious and needing to think, he rose and headed for his favorite room.”
The fact he rose is pretty much implied with the words “headed to his favorite room.” If there was some dramatic reason he “rose” then yes - use that word - but here he is simply going into the next room.
‘He felt anxious and needing to think he headed for his favorite room.’ It is easier to read and says the same thing.
But even more important is the reader is distracted - by having to wait until the next paragraph and clear at the end of the first sentence - to know that his favorite room is the library.
Again if there is some dramatic reason to withhold that information - ok but here I don’t see any. Also anxious and needing to think are kind of different things.
Maybe…
‘Feeling anxious he headed for his library needing to think.’
Now there are only three-fourths as many words from
“Feeling anxious and needing to think, he rose and headed for his favorite room.”
Now I know you want the reader to know that the library is his favorite room. But now that the reader knows he’s in the library it’s easy to explain it’s his favorite room - at the end of the sentence in the next paragraph by saying “….than strolling through his favorite room.”
If you applied that logic throughout your story it would move much faster and the reader could concentrate better on the good story.
I have seen several boy and girl meet when very young and grow up with a friendship stories on this site. And when they grow older it turns into a relationship. Not sure I really understand the appeal of this type of story line.
You write very well and are a good story teller. The tomboy that turns more feminine as they grow older I understand the appeal of a little better.
You have had a lot of reviews with high ratings because you are a good writer with good stories.
But I will say one negative thing - maybe isn’t really important - but I notice it in peoples writing a lot of the time.
An example - you have "This is boring, Sarah," Tom said….”
How often in real life do we use the persons name when we are talking right at them? A child will use a friend’s parents name and where you have that - it sounds natural.
But in real life one child to the other will likely just say “This is boring”
I will point out that I write very poor conversation so don’t feel that I’m trying to “teach” anything. I wish I could write it as well as you. I’m just pointing out what I see and my opinion…
I read your screen play and was going to write a review on that but I’ve found that if I comment directly and honestly on poetry I get these terse replies and I can tell that they are annoyed that I would dare suggest changing a single word or metric in their “baby.”
Don’t know if a screen play would have the same emotional response but I think it might, so I didn’t review it. But in your screenplay I saw the same thing. I felt the characters, that were the peers of the others, used the others characters name too much all through it.
In real life we may do that from time to time to effectively get the other persons attention when making a super strong point - but that is very rare.
That and a couple of other things made me think it didn’t sound like the characters were addressing each other in a natural way.
In a story it’s not as noticeable but in a screen play I think it jumps out at the reader.
Not really sure about the formatting of the lines since formatting here can be such a problem. At first I thought it was done on purpose and then after a while I felt for sure it was an artifact from cut and paste, but then I thought maybe on purpose… was never able to decide.
I really feel that you have captured some of the feelings of deep time with your story’s descriptions and words. You did a good job here.
I did find it a little hard to really understand who, what and why - this ‘watcher’ was, but maybe that is part of what you wanted.
I kind of like thinking about the concept of forever… the incredibly long googol-plex’s of time… where the universe first collapses into black holes… then dissipates into radiation that stretches closer and closer to infinity as the universe continues to expand into nothingness… only a moment of forever…
You appear to have an excellent ability to write. I will never have the flow and natural ease that you have here. Have to admit it makes me a little jealous.
Your characters easy to see and the descriptions are strong and not over done.
If a writing career is what you’re after I have no doubt you will be able to do it.
I’m tempted to say “good luck” but you already have the “good” part and I will wager you will not need much on the “luck” part.
Anyway I think you write great - so it’s a five out of five.
First I’m not a super great poet expert. Yes, I have written some, but there are many people that know the technical aspects better then me - so maybe I should just shut up.
Now it is bad enough to tell someone that their sentence structure might be better and give some suggestions but I’m not sure how to make suggestions on words in poetry where everything is totally subjective and very personal.
However having said that - I’m going to do it anyway.
I do get what you are saying with the “Somehow, someway” at the end of every verse.
But (in my opinion) I think it takes a way from the anticipation that could be built - if only one of those words was used and alternated - then at the very end both were used.
Also you have “Somewhere” as the start of every line in the first verse. I like that and perhaps at the end of the verse, as I suggested, just the word “Somehow” or maybe “Somehow…” if you wanted to leave a stronger feeling of a question at the end.
But then you stop using the three same word idea and start to only use two the same.
At the end of a later verse you have
Somewhere their love, someday to share
Do you think… ?
Someday their love, someday to share
Someway
The way you have it might technically be a better English sentence, but that’s not so necessary in poetry.
Same thing on the rest of the verses. All the same start word and one word at the bottom until at the very last verse both words on the bottom line.
Gee. I feel bad giving my ideas, but I think you have a very good idea and very good formatting. But maybe more consistency would highlight your use of the words better.
I just think a couple of word changes would improve your formatting and make it stronger.
I think you have a really good site here. Flash fiction is really good for writers and you have clearly pointed out like the ancient geeks first did - the things that make a good story.
Conflict and resolution in combination with a good setting as a plus - the core elements of good writing.
I should and probably will enter but the only thing I have ever written with under 300 words is poetry and reviews. Both of which are not allowed!
And most of my reviews are over 300 words. Got to go - trying to practice being brief!
I read through some of the chapters you have and i got a little distracted by some of the inconsistencies I saw. Why would a bank transfer through a Zero-coin be mare untraceable then a regular transfer? Seems to me the coin would have to have some internal id for the bank to send the money to it and when the money was taken from it the same thing.
And Julius and Murdock suddenly make spur of the moment change in plans and then decide to plant explosive in someone’s stair ship? Sounds like pretty risky business and would it take at least some planning.
I do think the space pirate idea is good and you have pretty go sentence layout. Although there is a tendency to use to many words explaining details. An example is “Towering over him as he walked in was an elegant water fountain that seemed out of place.” I think it would be better to lose the “as he walked in” from the story I already knew he was walking in.
Little things like that. Little things that I am also completely guilty of doing. I guess it’s just easier to see it when you don’t write it.
Still good job, finished out more the a lot I’ve seen here. (Including me!)
I’m jotting down some thoughts in Word as I read your story so I might make some comments that may be cleared up later on.
Ok not too sure if you should actually start out with something not to do with the story, a joke is good but the story is kind of long and a whole paragraph of something not to do with the story right at the first might put some people off.
The second paragraph is good (maybe should be the first) and the next 5, but the one about the brochure and Ionized-zeta 68, needs to really be shortened, maybe some of that information could be consolidated. You have Ionized-zeta 68 as the last word in one paragraph and the first word in the next paragraph.
Also the names Klintonian and Quark are too much like stuff already out there. The other names like Hooy and Frooy, etc are good if, as it seems, you are playing up the comedy aspect.
A lot of different characters coming in to the story. You probably should spend some time on their feelings or thoughts before you add more. Plus some of the names just sound sort of thrown out there.
All in all I like the comedy aspect although not sure I totally understand the ending. But I think there are too many people in the story without enough to do.
It looks like you could combine a lot of sentences without losing anything. Keeping the explanation down would be good so you could have the emphases on the funny lines. I think those lines get buried in the explanations and descriptions.
Since you’re not trying for hard science fiction with plausible explanations - I don’t think it would hurt to skip some of that.
Good humor though and I’m sure with a little less clutter it will be even funnier.
I think starting out with “It was a trap.” undermines the suspense you may want the reader to have to keep on reading.
If you really want the information about a “trap” in the readers mind from the very start it might be better to say, ‘I didn’t suspect a trap’ or ‘it ended up a trap’. It also took me a little while of reading to decide if the trap was set by you - or if you if got caught in it.
To me the second paragraph is a better lead in then the first – then mention the dimensional doppelganger and the danger you in - as the only one left.
Plus I didn’t think the phrase “To catch you up,” really fits where it is and I find it a little distracting. But maybe that’s just me.
You’re going to have a hard time with the pronouns of the different “me’s” in explaining all the “you’s” involved.
Even though it might be kind of cool with the play on words “me and a dozen duplicates of me…” and “I'm no cold blooded killer, none of me are.”
You will still have to use the ‘I’ pronoun to distinguish you as the story teller - and as you can see you already had to - using the word “I’m”.
It would be very hard not to ever separate the “me’s” (well the you’s to me) - so I think you’re going to have to bite the bullet and under-do some of the “me” play on words - especially in the beginning.
I think saying something like …
“Three days ago a dozen duplicates of me from parallel earths and I tried to stage an assassination. We’re no cold blooded killers, none of us are. Well, except for the one we're after: Tinker 3.”
…is going to be easier on the reader.
The story does depend a lot on stressing the ‘me’ of the different worlds so you might emphasis that by replacing the ‘one’ with ‘me’.
Like… “Well, except for the me we're after.” That way you’re stressing the odd way of using “me” but not making the sentence structured too strange.
The idea itself is good and using the “He, I” or “my-selves” is good within what I said before about keep the sentences from being really odd sounding.
I also was confused about the tongue-less person that was thought to be Tinker 3 – was that another “me” that was caught from some other earth dimension? Must be since that “me” would have to look like the other “me’s”
I personally find it is more satisfying if at least a little scientific reasoning is give for other dimensional worlds. And with the multi dimensions of string and m-theory and the growing acceptance Hugh Everett’s scientific many-worlds theory it would be easy to toss in a little scientific fact to lend credibility to the many “me’s” you have.
Is this for a contest where you have to keep the words down? You have about 290 – so I’m guessing fewer than 300?
You have…
“Kev was freezing. He was patrolling the power station's outer fence, far from the warmth of the cooling towers, and the night sky was crystal clear. Hale-Bopp hung in the blackness, a spooky silver smudge that Kev didn't like at all. He finished his round and went back to the security hut.” (52 words)
Combining some of your thoughts …
Freezing under a crystal clear night sky Kev patrolled the power station's outer fence wishing for the warmth of the cooling towers. Hale-Bopp hung in the blackness, a spooky silver smudge he didn't like at all. He headed back to the security hut. (43 words)
Combining freezing and patrolling - both things Kev is doing at the same time - into one sentence saves some extra words. Plus it is sort of redundant to use the word “was” again - only two words apart.
Finishing his rounds can be implied from his going back to the hut.
You could say “Finishing his rounds he headed back to the security hut” – especially if the reason he went back to the hut was really important to the story. But I think in the case of very short stories you have to leave as much implied as possible.
9 words is only 3 present of the total but still that’s a start. Also in general some people are slower readers and cutting out words can help even in longer stories.
(Something I’m totally guilty of - I completely babble on in my writing!!)
Conversation is a lot harder to cut words out of - but looking through what you have I’m guessing 40 maybe 50 words could be cut - either for an additional descriptions or to quicken the flow of the story.
Maybe use the extra words to build up some suspense even if you leave the ending like – “O’well we saw a space man let’s go home now”.
As for content of the story some of it is pretty funny - but maybe it’s only from this side of the pond. All the space alien had was a – “vague whining sound followed by a flash.”
You guys had a “torch beam” - you should have fried the space alien in his tracks and then sold the smoking remains for millions to the tabloids! (Ha ha I know it’s a flashlight.)
“They reckon” and the “hippie’s wacky baccy” sounds like Alabama or Mississippi 20 yeas ago – is there some kind of time tunnel under the Atlantic that I haven’t heard about?
And as far as “What's hippies got to do with it?”
I can’t believe I’ve been misunderstanding Tina Turner’s lyrics all this time!!
Pretty funny. I have no idea of what you are trying to say! Tongue-in-cheek?? Satire? Random ranting?
“My nudges me with his head” - that scares me a little. You must have left the word cat or wife out of that.
Venus does not have a moon and earth’s plate tectonics can move organic material down thousands of feet. Yes - some people think oil is “abiotic” and is continually made deep in the earth’s crust by heat.
You say “I wake up every morning to a bizzare radio show.”
Are you sure you are completely awake?
And why go back to the horse and buggy? If it’s raining oil just leave the gas cap off!!
I think you do get a persons interest in the first pages. You have pretty readable conversation which is good - something sometimes that is lacking in some stories – I have a lot of trouble with conversation myself.
The hard drinking detective style story seems effective and the illusion to the peeling paint seems alright. But I think it would be helpful to shorten up it up on the first five paragraphs.
Maybe combing the two references to the lights in to one reference and the blinking annoyance of the lights – and it making his hangover feel worse - into one paragraph of thought. You story doesn’t seem to drag so a faster state might go along with it better.
Going from the thought of the light - to the paint - then to the teaser about the unknown - back again to a good sentence of the lights again - (and paint) - seems like a long way around.
Plus the image about the flashing lights is good and might be more effective to get interest in the early beginning of the story.
I ‘m guilty of spreading things out to much all the time I guess it’s just easer to see it when you read it versus write it.
Sound good and I would read more sometime if you like
Although I follow what’s happing in Iraq, although it does seem a long ways away and disconnected from the daily reality of our lives in this country.
I’m older so I remember the Vietnam War - and how senseless it seemed to us hippies to be messing around in some far off county’s business. I guess there are plenty of opinions if the two events can even be fairly compared. At least this time most people don’t blame those whose job required them go.
My brother-in-law’s brother went to drive convoy on the airport road two weeks ago so that’s makes your story less disconnected - at least me.
The story is good but I do have one suggestion. Take the story and change all the tense to the present.
Riding in my Humvee north to Baghdad, staring out of my vehicle…
This was before armor was mandatory and I’m feeling that if I do get shot at, I…
This might give the story more immediacy and make the reader feel more like they are actually experiencing the events.
I liked your story and was able to feel the characters’ emotions which a lot of stories don’t have. Many tend to describe the seen instead of bringing it from the background into the story with what the characters are saying or doing. (One of my problems I must admit).
When you’re done with the “russet-haired muse” send him over here because as long as he doesn’t use the instructions to “overdo it” I could use the help!
(I already overdo everything I write and being instructed to overdo would be disastrous)!
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