|Review Given For: "Longswords, Lasers, & Literature: CLOSED"
Formatting, Paragraphs, Sentence Structure, and Wording
This would be their final sunset walk and he intended to remember every detail, the harsh call of falcons flying above, the sibilant beckoning sound of the tide lapping against the break wall, the wind chanting a dirge for his loss.
Because I read the details as a list of things that the character wanted to remember the punctuation choice of a comma seemed odd. A colon seems more appropriate.
This would be their final sunset walk and he intended to remember every detail: the harsh call of falcons flying above, the sibilant beckoning sound of the tide lapping against the break wall, the wind chanting a dirge for his loss.
He wept, mourning the loss of the one person who loved him absolutely, despite his difference, delighting in his every accomplishment, challenging and encouraging him throughout his life.
Odd tense switch from someone who died, and thus loved, to the present progressive of delighting, challenging and encouraging. Suggest sticking to one tense.
He wept, mourning the loss of the one person who loved him absolutely, despite his difference, delighted in his every accomplishment, challenged and encouraged him throughout his life.
“What are you doing here, this is private property.” he stammered
“What are you doing here? This is private property,” he stammered
hacker had been monitoring him on line.
hacker had been monitoring him online.
I’m used to it, but why today, this is cruel.”
Reads like 3 separate sentences.
I’m used to it. But why today? This is cruel.”
replied, you’ve evolved to the
Missing opening quote
replied, "you’ve evolved to the
your computer indicate you’re well on your way to deducing that.”
“That is why we chose you,” Mink sm
I thought that Mink was the one speaking the entire first block of dialogue about the mathematical equation. This is because she is the last person that spoke, and nothing written indicates that there was a change in speaker. If this is the case, then opening the following sentence with a quote mark isn't necessary.
His feet traced the route they had walked together so many times before, the grass beneath his feet a carpet of sorrow, each blade weeping a glimmering tear, lining his path.
Beautifully descriptive sentence. Well written, and used early, It set the tone for what was to follow.
Oh, "hard sci-fi" is so rare these days. Very cool!
Mark looked about and found the source seated on a tree stump at the edge of the break wall
Wondered what a "break wall" is, and where it came from. To this point I had an image of a meadow in mind--a lake surrounded by grass and nothing else.
The figure led him through a tangle of brush with an opening just barely four feet high, admitting the two of them without bending.
If Mark didn't have to bend, does that mean that he was under 4 feet too?
Looking up the gangplank, his eyes were captured and were held in thrall by the most vivid violet orbs with dancing gold flecks framed by cascading golden curls. The figure laughed once again, ...
I was a bit confused by this description. At first I thought he was looking at orbs, not a person's figure.
He was simply transfixed by the beautiful doll sized fingers reaching for his.
If Mark is small like everyone else, would her fingers look doll sized to him, or would they be normal-looking to him? At this point in reading I still wasn't sure of Mark's size. He seems taken back by the visitors size, yet there is supposed to be something different about him. The visitors say he is normal. The description of Mark might need clarification--specifically his size in relation to the visitors.
Short stories can't answer every question, so you did a good job of setting the mood and tone, and conveying an important piece of what seems to be a larger concept in a small window.
Still a few nagging questions about what makes Mark different
The fact that it is nagging me means Mark was made real to me in a very short piece--a hard feat to accomplish.
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