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Review of What Now?  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Very touching poem. Good form and pattern.

I have one question, which my Sci-fi mind thought of:

That we might light the dark paths
For our neighbors.

*Right*What neighbors? Are you talking about aliens? *Laugh* Just something you might want to clarify in the poem.

I think you could expand the poem, beyond the last line. You ask “What now?” and I would like to know what you think or what you see. If you could expand it the poem could be very powerful.

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Review of Myths of Poetry  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Formatting, Paragraphs, Sentence Structure, and Wording

*Smile* None *Smile*

Storytelling

I like the way you’ve expressed your thoughts on this genre.


*Flower2* I especially like the point in myth #1… how true the poetry is less to express the emotion of the poet and more to invoke emotion in the reader- at least for poetry written to share.

{e:flower2) I love that you have actual examples of the different types of poetry to which you refer.

My only suggestion is that you could perhaps point to one of the well-formed examples of one of the other great poets on the site instead of only using examples you’ve written. It will be like adding a chorus of voices that agree with your poetic points, instead of having everything come from you.

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Review of Romance  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Formatting, Paragraphs, Sentence Structure, and Wording

Could he keep his rapture in check? he wondered.
*Right*This shouldn’t be written as an actual question
He wondered if he could keep his rapture in check.

Storytelling

This story is very delicate. It’s written well, and shows a lot of emotion. I really enjoyed it.

The only question that I had (don’t hit me) is how this woman is. I thought a prostitute, a idea confirmed by the line which said that she do not look business-like. But then at the end they are at a table holding hands. So I’m a bit confused about that, so it’s omething you might want to clarify during any future revisions.
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Review of Liberty Fest  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Formatting, Paragraphs, Sentence Structure, and Wording

… enjoys watching our children as they mature from strollers to toddlers, from youngsters to teens.
*Right*This sounds like, at one point, your children were the inanimate object “strollers” because the comparative word is “toddlers-” thus the comparison is from something the children we “in” to something the children simply “were.” Just need a simple rewording.
… enjoys watching our children as they mature from babies in strollers to toddlers, from youngsters to teens.

Tom, "the tent man" sets up a large canopy or two in the next treeless yard each year.
*Right*In this case you’ve made the nickname restrictive. This means that you’re saying the word “Tom” is not really important to the sentence and could be taken out, this having us read "the tent man" sets up a large canopy or two in the next treeless yard each year.” If you’d rather read Tom sets up a large canopy or two in the next treeless yard each year, which makes more sense, you need to re-punctuate as below:
c:blue}Tom, "the tent man," sets up a large canopy or two in the next treeless yard each year.

He always leaves the spot in my watchful care as he goes after Krispy Kreme donuts which…
*Right*Two things; first the imagery of having this man go after some donuts makes it sound like the donuts are running away. Are they running? Are the safari donuts? *Smile* If not, you need to change the phrasing to something simple like he went for the donuts. Second, you need to capitalize the word donuts. This is because the word is actually part of a registered and trademarked name, all of which should be capitalized when is appears together.

Son David and his toddler Spencer and baby Grayson will arrive later with their mother, Dee.
*Right*::scratches head:: OK. When using familial phrases you need to be careful because people outside the family wouldn’t understand and they’ll have to re-read the sentence. For example, is David your son, or his it a name? Titles should be separated from the name for easy comprehension. For example, just like you did on the tail end: with their mother, Dee.

the baby's stroller.
Son-in-law Mike has

*Right*Spacing between paragraphs

the UCO campus.
*Right*The first time you mention something you need to spell it out, then in instances after you can abbreviate. This is because UCO could be a bunch of schools and unless someone is familiar with the school they wouldn’t recognize the abbreviation.

About 8:30 as family members arrive we greet those who line the streets on either side of us: people we have become acquainted with over the past several years.
*Right*Incorrect colon usage (see "Invalid Item). Try a comma or dash.

Gymnastic schools and glittered baton twirlers…
*Right*The chuck of text started here contains three paragraphs that need to be spaced out.

staffs they carry.
It is a multi-colored tribute

*Right*Spacing again


Storytelling

What a cute story about a small town parade. I got the feeling of “small town USA” when you talked of people sitting in the same spot every year.

I also liked the mention of the child that everyone prayed for and how the community rejoiced in his presence. All of these small things that you do in the story pull you in closer.

The one thing I would like to see is more description. In a lot of places you kinds of gloss over things, assuming the reader already knows or might find the details too tiresome. This is not so! In fact, the lack of information could be confusing. For example, for a small town, how come your parade is two hours long? My university, of about 48,000 people, has a large parade once a year and it’s only about 40 minutes. “Are you sure about that 2 hours?” (sorry, I went “My Cousin Vinny” for a second). But seriously, do people from other towns participate? How many people live in this town? We’re talking mid-west here, right? Mid-south-west?

Also included in your descriptions, I’d love to know some physical characteristics of some of the people mentioned in the story.

All in all, enjoyable read.

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Review of The Fiddler  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Formatting, Paragraphs, Sentence Structure, and Wording

He was a little more than middle-aged; this man with thinning dirty blond hair flecked with gray.
*Right*The phrase “a little more than middle aged” doesn’t make sense. Either he’s middle-aged or he’s not. Also, incorrect use of a semicolon (see "Invalid Item)

He was always courteous to the women-folk as if he had a certain respect for them.
*Right*Comma needed
He was always courteous to the women-folk, as if he had a certain respect for them.

could tell by his wide, sheepish smile and the way he twiddled and twisted around, his cheeks as flushed as if he'd just finished a 20 yard dash in 100 degree weather.
*Right*The thought here is incomplete, because it does not say what you can tell.

It was a letter from a woman or girl, depending on how long he'd had the letter, it had no date.
*Right*Two fused separate sentences
It was a letter from a woman or girl, depending on how long he'd had the letter. There was no on the letter.

*Bullet* Placing a space between each paragraph would be easier on the reader’s eyes.


Storytelling

This is a wonderful character sketch. You did a good job of making him come alive. It was very easy to read and get involved in. Good job!

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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi!

Great chapter! Great characters! I love the way the relationship between Zar and Orion has grown. But anyway, before I go off on a tangent, here are some technical points;


Formatting, Paragraphs, Sentence Structure, and Wording

A quarter of a Quorilaxian year passed since that fateful June day that changed my life and altered the course of the entire Human Race.
*Right*You seem to be missing the word ‘had.’ Also, it’s a small ‘h’ and ‘r’ for human race.
A quarter of a Quorilaxian year had passed since that fateful June day that changed my life and altered the course of the entire human race.

For the sake of brevity, and because the less spoken of it, the better, it simply became known to Quorilaxians and Humans alike as “The Day.”
*Right*This sentence seems a bit choppy. I would consider restructuring it to make it more easy to follow.

Every time I heard that phrase, I felt scarred all over again.
*Right*Remove the comma- it’s splitting the clause.

In the meantime, since The Day, I recovered from the injuries I suffered.
*Right*Phrases like “The Day” should always stand out (quote marks, italicized), because it’s a proper name given to a very special and specific even. It’s not literal, and thus the reader should be reminded. Right now it just looks like you’ve improperly capitalized some words in the sentence.

My muscles atrophied throughout my entire body, making me haggard and thin, and as weak and fragile as a small kitten.
*Right*I understood this sentence the third time I read it, but at first I thought you were missing some words. You might consider editing it.

Through intensive and extensive physical therapy, I rebuilt my body from what was not much more than scratch.
*Right*The phrase “not much more than scratch,” doesn’t make much sense. It’s either “from scratch” or not with that idiom. When you rephrase idioms and slang, most of the time the come off sounding funny.

I hoped the Human Race would follow suit.
*Right*”Suite,” (I make this mistake all the time)
I hoped the Human Race would follow suite.

At the moment, I tried to fall asleep.
*Right*This sentence is incomplete. It also kinda drops in from no where, looking at what was written before it.
At the moment I was trying to fall asleep.

I came to crave tight, enclosed spaces such as this.
*Right*Possibly edit for flow
I had come to crave tight, enclosed spaces such as this.

They gave me a safe and protected feeling, and I felt so much less isolated in such close, cozy quarters.
*Right*Possibly edit for flow
They gave me a safe and protected feeling, and I felt much less isolated in the close, cozy quarters.

Although I had some initial fears, Zar convinced me to let her hold me right in front of the beast’s face, giving me a chance to rub my hands along the end of its snout, and the koswok would reciprocate with gentle but sloppy licking from its long tongue.
*Right*In the first half of the sentence, it sounds like what Zar did was a one time thing, sor of a introduction. Then, at the end, with the phrase ”the koswok would reciprocate,” it gives the indication that this happened on many occasions. You need to edit this to make it consistent.

My genes would be lost to all future generations of Humanity,
*Right*Small ‘h’ for humanity

It turned out the truth hurt me just as much as it hurt Zar: Her father was a member of the Imperial Quorilaxian Militia, and was killed in the war with the Zgo
*Right*The colons here should be semicolons. (See "All that Grammar Jazz, under the topics of “colons” and “semicolons”)

Ironically, by killing me, Drab would destroy exactly what his father fought and died for, even though Drab focused on me as the one responsible for his death and used that as part of his reason to seek vengeance upon me.
*Right*This sentence is a run-on, and it’s a bit confusing. I would edit it, dividing the separate idea into separate sentences, and alter a bit of the words chosen.
Ironically, by killing me, Drab would destroy exactly what his father fought and died for. Drab held me responsible for his father’s death, and he used that line of reasoning as justification to seek vengeance on me.

Very seldom did I see Zar’s mother, for she was often gone, working diligently to support her two children on her own, but her feelings about me paralleled those of Zar.
*Right*Your writing style is very passive. As my professor would say, “you’re speaking in a passive voice.” It’s very hard to explain, but I’ll rewrite this sentence and hope you can see the difference. Also, I subbed the word “hard” for “diligent,” because I think most single moms work “hard,” as appose to the characteristics of “steady, earnest, and energetic.” Ask any single mom about how “energetic” she is at the end of the day.
I seldom saw Zar’s mother. She was gone most of the time, working hard to support the two children on her own. However, her feelings about me paralleled those of Zar.

With Zar’s father, mother, and brother away, either permanently or temporarily, I was the only person who was there for her much of the time.
*Right*Possibly edit for flow?
With her father, mother, and brother all away, either permanently or temporarily, I was the only person who was there for Zar much of the time.

In fact, it seemed as though I was standing in the open ocean, but it was not an ocean of water….

It was an ocean of skulls…Human skulls.

*Right*This just seems a bit dragged out to me. Also, that one sentence doesn’t make a very good paragraph.

…a Human…a female.
*Right*For every instance, before and after this, where the word ‘human’ is a description, it’s a small ‘h’

Some time passed, and I was almost ready to fall asleep again. Being preoccupied by the current state of affairs, I found it difficult to do so, but I could only do so much stuck in a pitch black box.
*Right*I would edit this to make it a bit easier to read and understand. Seems a bit choppy

Once I reached the aperture... Once I was out... Once I pulled her a certain length
*Right*Three sentences in a row start with the word “once.”

At that point, I put the girl down, and upon closer inspection of the site I just left, I noticed I escaped some type of aircraft, and it appeared to have skidded along the ground before coming to rest.
*Right*I would edit this, placing separate thoughts in separate sentences.
At that point, I put the girl down, and went in for a closer inspection of the site I just left. It was some type of aircraft, and it appeared to have skidded along the ground before coming to rest.

I looked surveyed the world before me in fear.
*Right*You need to erase of the of verbs
I surveyed the world before me in fear.

housetrained
*Right* house-trained

Speaking of Kalgotha, he momentarily returned
*Right*The way this is written it sounds like Kalgotha returned to the room for only a moment, instead of he only left the room for a moment.

Okay, think about it this way: The few animals out here are probably herbivores.
*Right*The colon should be a comma here.

“You’re getting to see the entire Universe.”
*Right*Small ‘u’ for ‘universe’

Then I noticed something coming over the other side…towards us.
*Right*That does it! I’m going to look up and write a article on the proper usage of “…” *Delight*
Then I noticed something coming over the other side towards us.

dings like two peachy chameleons
*Right*The use of the slang “peachy” is awkward here.

We soon stood immediately in front of the door of the humble abode
*Right*Though I understand what you’re saying, using the word “immediately” (as in location} directly following the word “soon” (as in time) could be confusing to a reader who’s mind is on cruise-control.

puppies?
*Right*Capital ‘P’ for Puppies

When I go back to The City
*Right*Unless the name of this city is “The City” it should be a small ‘t’ and a small ‘c’

“You mean I can not keep them?”
*Right*Passive voice
“You mean I can’t keep them?”

Having experienced much more than a full day in a very short amount of time, it was not too much longer before I followed suit.
*Right*”Suite”

“I’m leaving, Ryan…but I’m leaving without you.”

“Then I guess you’re not leaving,” I told her.

*Right*You’re missing the word “not” in Kelly’s sentence.


Storytelling

*Question*When was “The Day?” In your description of what happened in the previous chapter, it sounds like Orion’s injuries didn’t happen the same day the human race was destroyed. However, in the sentence ”In the meantime, since The Day, I recovered from the injuries I suffered,” it sounds like both events happened simultaneously.

*Question*What scar are you referring to in the following sentence; ” When I saw an enormous scar on my right leg, there was no question as to whom the body belonged.”

like an elevator and bore me up to her face, which was like the visage of a beautiful Venus…
*Right*At this time I’m wishing for a reminder of what that “alien” Venus looks like! *Smile*

::shakes all over:: EWWW… she licked him and he didn’t take a shower? GROSS! *Laugh*

It looked tiny in a Quorilaxian’s hand, but it was still about as large as a pogo stick to me. He or she thrust the needle right into the area of my stomach and released the fluid into my system. .
*Confused* If someone thrust a pogo stick in my stomach, I’d die.

She was alive, but in a comatose state. Assuming she experienced the same ordeal I did, it would take longer for her body to process the tranquilizer, since she was probably considerably lighter than I was.
*Right*The medical condition produced by a tranquilizer isn’t a comma…

The aircraft exploded without notice, engulfed in a huge fireball.
*Right*Kinda weird the craft explodes now. How long was it sitting there before it happened. The longer it was, the further you’re asking readers to stretch their imaginations.

HEY! *Exclaim* How do Kelly and Orion understand Kalgotha and his mother without the collars? (and the collars are a beautiful idea!)

“I can’t believe I just did that. I’ll live to regret this,” I said prophetically.
*Right*Do you really want to give away some of the story by indicating that this statement is a prophecy?


Overall

I’m still enjoying the story very much. I love stories with double means, and I especially love the one I see behind this story!

I love the imagination you have. These aliens that you have are amazing, because they aren’t really that foreign. Good job!


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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi!

I was only assigned to look at technical things in chapter 2. But to understand it I decided to read on. And, aw shoot; I might as well give some “light” suggestions while I read. This isn’t in-depth, just stuff that might jump out at me as I read…

Formatting, Paragraphs, Sentence Structure, and Wording

graduated only several days ago,
*Right*This sounds odd because the phrase is actually “a few days ago.” The word “only” makes you thing it was recent, while the while “several” makes it sounds like a long time ago.

I seemed to have taken somewhat of a nap, because the next thing I remember, the sun was below the tops of the trees, and a fiery halo radiated from the silhouetted pines.
*Right*One of the commas is splitting a clause
I seemed to have taken somewhat of a nap, because the next thing I remember the sun was below the tops of the trees, and a fiery halo radiated from the silhouetted pines.

My parents died in a car accident when I was so young that I couldn’t even remember them, which also meant I was an only child.
*Right*Flows odd. Suggestion:
When I was only a child, my parents died in a car accident. I was too young to even remember them.

Only one thought played through my mind at this point. Alien abduction.
*Right*The second sentence is a fragment. You have two options, connect it to the sentence before it, or somehow indicate that this is directly what he was thinking.

As far as I knew, that story was fiction.
*Right*Sci-fi *Wink*

The fur from the wrist on was white in color, and the digits were long and slender, much like a Human hand,
*Right*Little ‘h’ for the word ‘human’ in all instances where the word is used as part of a description

abducting us en masse
*Right*… in masses

“Did you have a good rest?” she asked me. I mumbled something in my post-sleep stupor. “Yes” was hidden in there somewhere.
*Right*This would be easier to understand if it was in two separate lines, because two different people are talking.
“Did you have a good rest?” she asked me.
I mumbled something in my post-sleep stupor. “Yes” was hidden in there somewhere.


matches of the Earthly counterparts
*Right*Small ‘e’ for earth

Throughout the Universe
*Right*Small ‘u’ for ‘universe’

all of Humanity
*Right*Smal ‘h’ for humanity

I know what you are going to say. It is indeed named for the character from the Human book known as The Bible.
*Right*Small ‘t’ for the (and the small ‘h’)



Storytelling

Okay, Orion, retrace your steps.
*Right*This sentence is at the end of paragraph six. Lots and lots of stuff happened before this, but this is the first time I heard his name. I was actually scanning the story before this to see if I had missed it. I like to be properly introduced to my characters before I feel a well of emotion for them.

*Star*Interesting… really big aliens. I haven’t seen that in a while. Nice description of her. Than must have took a while!

I see deep meaning in the “human sale,” involving these alien. I love stories than can be seen to have double meaning. Good job!

*Star*Most powerful line: My soul is no larger than yours is.


Overall

Very interesting story! I’m glad I decided to start with chapter 1 instead of just jumping to my assignment! Actually our writings have a lot of similarities, and I’m happy to me a soul of the same pen!

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Review of The Gate Shift  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
I think that this could be very funny preformed. I can imagine it on stage- which is great because that’s what monologues are for.

However, I think it lacks structure.

“Hi, thanks, screen six. Hi, can I take your tickets? Sorry, that’s screen seven, on the other side. And, yes, I know it says Monsters Inc up there, but we have it on five screens, your showing’s on the other side.”

This sounds like a dialogue with one voice fazed out. If it is, some dots (…) showing a pause when the other person speaks would make it more clear.


Also, there is no direction. Does the actor turn to the audience after this opening and start taking to them? Is he talking to himself?

In addition, I don’t think anyone would think of this job off the title alone.

A bit of structure, and this will be great. It is funny, and reminds me of a Woody Allen type feel (blue collar man’s rant), and it would be fun to perform!
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Review of Leoparigerions  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Wow, how creative! I loved it! I felt like I was in his bedroom. Very nostalgic, and reminded me of when I was little and had a whole other world under my bed (I still do!).

The only suggestion I have is- make it longer. I could see a book on this- him getting lost in the forest- like a cross between The Never End Story and The Bookmaster!

I wish I had bit more of a physical description of the boy and the Leoparigerions (muscles, fangs, coat, ect.) though.

However, all in all, wonderful storytelling!
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35
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
I love Sci-Fi so I was real edger to read this piece- the beginning of a new book!

Prologues are very hard to write, especially for Sci-Fi books, because it is what someone will read when they are deciding if they should buy your book or something else on the shelf. It should give you an idea of what the story is about.

I think that this entire beginning, along with the title will peek reader interest. I see a couple things, though, that can be worked on to make it much stronger…

There are a few, what I call inconsistent parallels for lack of a better term. For example, in the beginning, you said in regards to the gloved man, “ A long time passed and he still remained motionless on his spot, a lifeless cold statue.” The next line, says… “Minutes later however,” and that’s a bit confusing. It sounds like a long time passed is equaled to a few minutes. Also, I think you try to hard to set the environment (the bees). So it was a bit choppy rereading stuff at the beginning. But that shows how interested I was that I kept reading!

I love the references to the eye color. That could be a trademark in the book to help identify people and feelings. You did a good job with that. I kept waiting for the green eyes!

I also felt endeared to White Fang. You did a good job portraying him in a few paragraphs. Readers will bond with him, and then when he is killed, that immediately makes you hate the white-gloved guy, which is great because he’s the villain, and you should hate him- so great job on that.

The part I loved that most, was how you brought the green-eyed guy in at the end, and everyone is going to what to know who that it and why he’s happy and not scared.

The one thing I find is that your conclusion is way stronger than your beginning, and that’s a problem because people won’t get to the good stuff if they don’t keep reading. A few revisions will help. And maybe a bit more information, because I’m still completely confused about what this book is about. If I read this prologue as is, I would read it all, but be o confused I would look for a different book that I could understand the storyline a bit better. I think a name & peek into the head of the villain will help.

I’m looking forward to your next post from the book!
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