This is a nice story and my overall impression is favorable. I gave you a 3.5 because I believe it needs some revisions. One thing I noticed you use alot is the word "had". If you reread it without that word, I think it flows better. for example;
-He had never walked out before... just write, "he never walked out before".
There are many usues of "had" in this context.
Also, try to keep the words and perspective consistant. Another example;
-Elliot stormed out of his apartment, slamming the door and stomping down the stairs.
Could be written, "Elliot stormed out of his appartment, slammed the door and stomped down the stairs."
Finally, try to use words efficiently, not using too many when you don't need to. Another example;
-What was important was that he left... could be written, "It was important that he left."
The story could be revised to reflect my suggestions. I think it will make the reading easier and more fluent.
I hope my comments were helpfull and welcome. Keep it up
I found the first paragraph a bit difficult to understand, but the second paragraph is quite clear and is expressed well.
The last two lines are poignant self critique and well put.
The only suggestion I have is to perhaps clarify the first paragraph but poetry is very subjective and depends on the writers perspective. The idea, however, is to make your emotions clear to the reader.
I hope my comments were helpful and welcome. A nice poem. Keep up the great writing
Nice poem, nicely said. It's also one of the reasons I dont usuallay review poetry, lol.
What I like about this poem is it's originality. I don't believe I've ever seen anyone put this subject in words. I think it flows smoothly and reads well.
Macabre...I guess that's what you were going for? Interesting story. Flows nicely. I like how the story describes the difficulties and stealthfully leads up to las last paragraph. Nicely done.
Only a few critiques here. It's a common thing among many writers. Just eliminate some words to streamline it, such as "However". The following sentence could be revised to flow better;
-No longer are the pillars of security still in place
There are a few punctuation issues as well. Aside from that, I like your story. Keep it up and take care.
Sounds interesting so far. My overall impression is favorable. There are a few issues with punctuation and run on centences. Also, there's a few centences that have issues with the context. Too many words or could have been expressed in a more efficient way. I believe the idea is to make the reading easy.
I hope this information is helpful and welcome. Take care.
Interesting story. My overall impression is, it has merit. I was disappointed with the ending though. How can Michael sleep after that experience? LOL
Ok, I'd like to suggest a few things;
A proof read would be a good idea because there's a spelling mistake or two. But one consistant thing is the use of many derogatory words that don't add anything to the story and make it too long. Also, you need to shorten sentences by using periods instead of comma's in allot of places.
An example of this is;
Michael had then took a deep breath and summoned all of his courage, and went over towards the professor and touched his shoulder and asked. "Are you alright, professor?"
Ideally, the phrase could read like this;
Michael took a deep breath, summoned all of his courage and went over to the professor. He touched the professor on the shoulder and asked, "Are you alright?"
The rest of the story could be edited this way. The idea is to make it easy for the reader and cut out the words that add nothing to the story.
I hope this comment was helpful and welcome. Take care and keep writing
Beautiful It's been a long time since I've read a poem that actually flows like this. The rhythm is great. I feel the emmotion of genuine melancholy.
I can offer a few suggestions that may streamline it a bit, but poetry is very personal. It all depends on how you feel and what you want to express. The spelling and punctuation seems fine.
I believe "if another, I could blame" needs a comma.
"For all lost years, for my heart’s tears" could be changed to "For lost years and my heart's tears". It simply makes it shorter and you lose a comma. It also avoids using the same word twice.
Finally, if the above is modified in that way you could lose the "but", again, streamlining and, I feel, sounding more fluent.
A beautiful poem in it's current form. I hope my information was helpful and welcome.
Keep writing like that
Take care.
I like erotica and would love to recieve the news letter and possibly submit some of my own. I gave you this rating because it's not literature and I wrote this review for the points.
Nice intro. It seems like you've put allot of thought into your story. I'll save the review for the actual story and tell you that here you've solicited my interest.
It portrays confusion, a crossroad in the characters life. He/she is unsure of herself. The poem needs more emmotion. Although I get the content, I don't share frustration this character seems to be feeling. A common snarl for beginning writers is the absence of emmotion in the thier work. Use a thesaurus, a very important tool, and carve your work around the words you want to use.
I saw no spelling or grammer arrors. I gave you this rating because I believe it is supposed to be a deeply, emmotional poem, but I didn't feel it. I thought you could have used better, more descriptive words.
When I write a deeply emmotional poem I usually have an idea of the subject matter and the feelings I want to convey. Simple, direct words are usually the first to come to my mind. I look for strong, descriptive synonyms using a thesaurus and "sculpt" my poem around those words.
I was a nice poem and I believe it was meant to be more despairing. I hope this helps Keep up the good writing.
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