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105 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Rated: E | (3.0)
Great story. It's nice to share encouraging stories. People like to read them and there are a lot of unhappy people in the world so there will be plenty of potential readers.

When writing personal development material you have to be clear about what you want your reader to learn from your piece or what you want them to take from what you've written. You touched on three people here: your Grandmother, you and the fireman. But it's not clear exactly what each person is contributing to the story.

I think it would be great if you wrote about how your Grandmother inspired you to become active in the church and have a greater faith.

Also, what was the significance of the vision to you? How did that inspire you to have a greater faith? The piece leaves me asking many questions.

I find it helpful to write an article like this in three parts:
1. what is the problem you want to address
2. How it would be if the problem was solved
3. How to solve the problem

The first part is designed to appeal to your readers. You want them to identify with you and the piece your writing. You want them to think, "yeah, I remember being in that situation before."

The second part describes the result you want to achieve and the third part explains how to achieve it.

So, when writing these pieces, try to do it in that format and write out the steps clearly.

Anyway, thanks for asking me to review this for you. I'm honored you felt I could help you. If you have any more questions please ask.
2
2
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi {s-user: }, I just read {item:} and I'd like to offer you my comments. These are my personal opinions and my intention is to tell you how I felt as a reader.

*CheckG*What I really liked:*ThumbsUp*

I liked this story a lot. It gave me a real sense of what it’s like to be in the company of an autistic child. You communicated the way he experiences things very well and left me with the impression that you have experience with this situation. Very nicely done! Bravo!

*CheckG*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:

There is a misspelled word: permentaly should be “permanently”.
Also Modge-Podge should be hyphenated.

There are a few fragmented sentences. The first one is in the first paragraph:
“Painting rocks that I collected on one of our trips to the dwindling creek above Sugar Hollow Reservoir”

Should begin with “I was” or “we were”.

There are also some missing spaces between the periods and the next sentence.

*CheckG*Suggestions:

I have nothing to add to your story because I thought it was excellent. The only suggestion I have is with your writing style. It’s extremely important to maintain coherence between the temporal tenses. You mustn’t mix past and present. Keep it consistent. It’s mixed up in the beginning. Personally, I feel it will sound better if you keep it in past tense but that’s subjective so there’s no criticism there except to keep it the same throughout the story.

I’m not an extremely critical guy but there are some people who are very critical about little things so it’s better to correct it early on. I had to give you a 3.5 for the spelling mistake. If it wasn't for that it would have been at least a 4.

Overall, I loved your story. It was a pleasure to read.
I hope my comments are helpful and welcome. Take care.

*Star* Keep up the great writing and take care. *Smile*


If you enjoy my writing please visit my blog
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Best Regards, Joseph


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi drifter , I just read "Telling the Truth in Love and I'd like to offer you my comments. These are my personal opinions
and my intention is to tell you how I felt as a reader.


*CheckG*What I really liked:*ThumbsUp*

This is a moving piece because it seems to genuinely come from your heart. In my opinion writing from personal experience is the most sincere and most moving.

*CheckG*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:

There are some spelling errors that need to be corrected; original, misdiagnosed, phony.

The word Greek must be capitalized.

There are some fragmented sentences and some commas should be used.

*CheckG*Suggestions:

You should review you article and try to remove some unnecessary words the don't have to be there.

example;

"As a kid I can recall all the times that I was told that that a fib or lie would get me in trouble" could be revised;
" As a kid I recall the times I was a fib would get me in trouble"

In this example there's a savings of 7 words while keeping the same meaning and being more efficient. Words such as "this" and "was"
are often used to frequently and should be removed. Phrases like "the fact that" shouldn't be used. Adverbs can be eliminated and finding alternate ways to write a sentence with less words can make something easier to read and more comprehensive. I believe keeping a piece word efficient will attract more readers.

I hope my comments are helpful and welcome. Take care.

*Star* Keep up the great writing and take care. *Smile*


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4
4
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Michaelmountain:spring hope , I just read "In Search of the Real Magi and I'd like to offer you my comments. These are my personal opinions and my intention is to tell you how I felt as a reader.


*CheckG*What I really liked:*ThumbsUp*

This is just my style of writing. It was very educational, well thought out and researched. You provided references and links to support your ideas. Nicely done.


*CheckG*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:

Everything is good here except I noticed a spelling error; 2nd paragraph, 4th line, "thee guys" should be "three guys".


*CheckG*Suggestions:

I have nothing to say about the accuracy of you subject nor the arguments you present. You appear well versed in this area. Perhaps you may want to consider the following comments.

There is some passive voice in your writing. I don't like passive voice in my writing for three reasons;
-it's considered a faux pas, I don't need to elaborate on this
-it's less efficient to read because of the extra words
-it projects and impression of uncertainty.

examples of efficiency;

"Our knowledge will always be somewhat incomplete" could be revised "Our knowledge is incomplete"

"We know that they studied the sky. We know that they came from the East" could be revised
" We know they studied the sky and came from the east"

In both cases words are eliminated and it's easier to read. Eliminating words like "that,", "was" and looking for alternate ways of writing a sentence with less words makes a piece flow better. There are many examples I can give, and there are different ways an individual can find to write a sentence. Try to eliminate adverbs where possible.


An example of uncertainty is;

"Magi would have believed in dreams" should be revised to "Magi believed in dreams".

I say this because it's shorter and more efficient. Also, the statement as it is can be interpreted as uncertain.

I'm telling you how I try to write my own work so I understand you don't necessarily feel the way I do about these aspects of writing. But I think in this day of information overload the difference between word efficiency and superfluity makes the difference between having your work read or not. I hope my comments were helpful and welcome.

*Star* Keep up the great writing and take care. *Smile*


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5
5
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Harry, I just read {item1477422:} and I'd like to offer you my comments.
These are just my personal opinions and my intention is to tell you how I felt as a reader.


*CheckG*What I really liked:*ThumbsUp*

It was informative about the subject. I found it educational and pleasant to read.

*CheckG*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:

Everything was perfect in this area.

Poetry is something I find difficult to review because it's subjective. What one person likes someone else may not. I can't offer any suggestions to this piece. I feel you communicated the information well in the form of a poem. Nicely done.
*Star* Keep up the great writing and take care. *Smile*


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6
6
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Spidey WDC, I just read "Without Looking Back and I'd like to offer you my comments.
These are just my personal opinions and my intention is to tell to you how I felt as a reader.


*CheckG*What I really liked:*ThumbsUp*

I was a nice poem showing me the sadness of losing a companion. I felt you expressed the emotions well. Also I like the strength of the character who's determined to move on with life.


*CheckG*Comments:

The poem read easily with a rhythmic flow. The title was appropriate for the poem and the last sentence confirms it.

*CheckG*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:

Everything in this area is perfect.


Poetry, in my opinion, is difficult to critique because it's subjective. What one likes someone else may not. My impression of this poem is it's well written and nicely done. If I must make a suggestion it's only in the last two lines because they don't seem to flow with the rhythm of the poem. I enjoyed your poem very much. I'd like to read more of your work.

*Star* Keep up the great writing and take care. *Smile*


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7
7
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Turtle, I just read "Does God Wait for his Toast? and I'd like to offer you my comments.
Please note; These are just my personal opinions and my intention is to present to you how I felt as a reader of this item.


*CheckG*What I really liked:*ThumbsUp*
I really enjoyed this poem. For me it encompassed "contemplation" and finished with, "it doesn't really matter, just enjoy the moment". I think the reason I can relate to this poem is because I sort of think that way. I don't know if I got the message you were trying to convey or not, but that's what I got from it.

*CheckG*Suggestions:
I have nothing to suggest here.

*CheckG*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Spelling and grammer is great.

*Star* Keep up the great writing and take care. *Smile*

What worked for me in this piece is that, although you wrote it very simply, I find it has great depth.


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8
8
Review of Writing Hurts Sig  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi;

I like this sig. I actually wanted to use this pic for something of my
Own. I'm glad I didn't. Your idea's good.

Take care.
9
9
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi Christina, I just read "The Creature (2nd. Twisted Tales) and I'd like to offer you my comments.

Please note; These are just my personal oppinions and my intention is to present to you how I felt as a reader of this item.


*CheckG*What I really liked:*ThumbsUp*

It was a creative story and held my attention throughout.

*CheckG*Suggestions:

There's a few places where I thought you could have used a conjuction to help the reading flow easier. Also, I believe it could use some editing and removal of words or phrases that aren't really needed nor add anything to the story. For example; I didn't think it was important to mention the flashlight and mirror belonged to mom and dad. Personally, I always try to stay away from phrases like, "in fact", "the fact that" and variations of that sort.
Just continue with ..."he was never scared..."

*CheckG*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
There's a few items I noticed, like a few missplaced commas and the like. One thing I noticed was the following:

“Look at yourself. See how you look! See why I fear you!”

I believe the two exclamation points should be question marks.

The rest seemed alright to me. But I think a going over again will help.

*ThumbsUp* I really enjoyed this story and one thing I really liked was the "Hitler" spelled backwards. It was a great idea and showed Ollie to be a demon himself.

*Star* Keep up the great writing and take care. *Smile*

10
10
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E
Hi;

My overall impression; It's an interesting story, I enjoyed reading it and had sympathy for the poor, a little bit older, young woman in the story.

As a reader, though, I thought it was missing something. It didn't grasp me or have anything in the end to make it remarkable. I understand, however, that writing a story in a day can be a challenge.

Spelling and gammer seems fine. I have a question about one sentence though;

"Her foot is dragging the floor."

I thought this sentence could have used the word "on".

An enjoyable read. Take care.

11
11
Review of Booked for you  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi;

My overall impression; I like this. It's sensually misleading. The way you wrote it in the first paragraph reads like erotica then in the second paragraph you showed what you were actually writing about.

Spelling is fine. There's a few frags you may want to consider revising. Instaed of using a period before "always", maybe a semi-colon and a few other things like that.

Aside from that. It was nicely done.

Take care.

12
12
Review of A wild new career  
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi;

I think there's a story here. It sounds interesting to me and reading it caught my attention and I wanted to hear more about that young lady. Is it a romance? Is it erotica? I don't know but but I liked it so far.

The spelling is fine but there are some grammer issues that need some polishing. Run it through word perfect spell check to find the misplaced commas and I'd put a semicolon in there too. See the example below;

All these factors used to make her wonder. What is it that the athlete must truly, physically and mentally endure to make it to the Olympic level?

Just little things like that, not hard to fix. The story read well and was fluent. I'd also suggest that you try to stay away from using the word "had" when you don't need to;

Sports and sporting events had quite fascinated her since she was little.

Just remove "had" and it's fine. This is known as "passive voice". There are many forms of it and you should try to avoid them.

What ever you do with this story, I think it'll turn out fine.

Take care.

13
13
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi;

Hopefully I can be of help. I like this piece. It's a nice story of two
Young ladies finding common ground.

I found one sentence didn't read smoothly:

Short voyage to uncover special gift for each.

Maybe you'd just like to look at it again.
Aside from that, spelling and grammar looks fine.

I have two pieces not so many people seem to want to review also.
A poem "memories" and another piece called "the place".

Maybe you can check them out?

Take care.

14
14
Review of Zen Garden  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)

Hi;

My overall impression is that this is a really nice work
That I like allot.

It flows nicely and rhythmically and it captures the image of the garden
Vividly for me.

Thanks for sharing this.

Take care.

15
15
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi;

I enjoyed your story.

My overall impression is good. I like how the story unfolded and led to the last line.

The spelling and grammer seems fine. Overall, I thoought it was a nice story, although short.

Keep up the good writing and take care.

16
16
Review of Because of you  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi;

My overall impression...WOW! I love this. I can really feel the emotion in this poem. For me, that doesn't happen alot. But then, maybe I'm just a sappy kinda guy, lol.

Joking aside...I think it's a great poem. It's well written, flows well and is nicely rhythmical. There's no spelling errors and grammer is nice.

You did a great job here.

Encore *Smile*


17
17
Review of Unheard Plea  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)

My overall impression is...very nice. I like this. This is one of those poems that I can actually feel. I think it's nicely done.

The title is relavent to the poem and I like the echo you wrote *Smile* What can I say except I think it's great.

Spelling and grammer are good.

Encore *Smile*

Take care.

18
18
Review of Berserk  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A very enjoyable read and a nice theme; a fed up guy dreams of beating everyone up, lol.
It was easy to read and you had my attention from the beginning and kept it until the end.
nice job.

You taught me a new word today; plasticky. I thought this was just something someone made up, lol. Well, it's in dictionary.com. Word perfect doesn't recognize it. Thanks for the education. I would have just said plastic myself.

Overall, I like this story and I think it's well written. Nice job.

Take care.

19
19
Review of Hardened  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi Brenton;

I'm one of your PDG class mates and this is my assigned review. I chose you because you're my buddy. *Smile*

This is an interesting story. I like it. I thought your descriptions were pretty vivid.
My intention is to give you my perspective as a reader and, hopefully, information that will be helpful.

I gave you a 2.5 because it needs many revisions.

There are many punctuation and syntax errors, for example;

Slumping back onto my bed staring up at the plain ceiling trying not to think about that terrible day.

I may have written;

I was slumping back onto my bed, staring up at the plain ceiling and trying not to think about that terrible day.

I believe you meant to use the word "off" when, in fact, you used "of".

Also you used "its" (possessive) when you should have used "it's" for "it is".

The above examples are a few of many that I saw in this story. I believe you should try to pay more attention to those details. It makes it difficult for readers to follow and they will definately pick up on these issues. I think this story is worth a second going over to fix some of those things.

A single verb is not a sentance.

Four o’clock, walking around my cell trying to wear myself out. Sit. Stand. Walk. Lie. Stand. Jump.

The above is incorrect. Perhaps a semi-colon with a succession of commas would work better.

I think the perspective you used through out makes this piece difficult for the reader. Also you changed perspective near the end and that makes it confusing.

Although I believe you have a good story, I believe you must pay much more attention to the details.

My overall impression is favorable in regards to the content of the story, but the the technical aspects of it made it very difficult to follow.

I hope my review is helpful and welcome. Take care.

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20
20
Review of Covered Trails  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi;

This is an interesting poem. Spelling and grammer are fine.

I must say, I had to read it a few times before I could understand it. I found the selected wording difficult to follow.

Poetry subjective therefore someone else may view this poem differently then I.

Keep up the good writing. Take care.


21
21
Review of Your Today  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a very nice poem and I believe it's a subject that many people can relate to.

The spelling looks fine. There's a few little things I would have done differantly had I written this. Of course, poetry is subjective and you can accept my suggestions or not. They are just my humble oppinions.

Perspective seems to be inconsistant. I would have tried to make it consistant.

Aside from that, it's a great poem. Keep up the good writing. Take care.


22
22
Review of Jesus  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi;

As I read the poem, I was thinking to myself, "hmm these words read like lyrics".
Then I read your last line. Nicely done. I believe you accomplished what you set out to do.

The spelling is fine and works with the poem. It reads smoothly and rhythmically.

My overall impression; I like it *Smile*

Take care and keep it up.


23
23
Review of CHARLIE HEART  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Charlie;

Thanks for your kind words and consideration to ask for my opinion.

Although this is only a review of your intro, I must say that it grabs my attention and makes me interested to read more.

The spelling and grammer is perfect. Cudos *Smile*

I'd be pleased to go through it and tell you my opinion. Have patience though because I'm working on a few projects of my own. I will get around to it.

Also, as you suggested, if you would like to review some of my work, be my guest. I doubt if you'll find a litterary masterpiece in there but fresh eyes are always welcome.

Take care and I look foreward to reading your work.


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24
Review of Harmony  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A very nice poem. It's rhythmic and flows well. There's no spelling mistakes. The title is nice. It was a very pleasant read.

I have no critique or suggestion for this. It's great the way it is *Smile* I wouldn't mind seeing some more. Take care and keep up the good writing.


25
25
Review of Fusion  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Andrew;

An interesting read. Watch out for spelling and grammer. Although it was interesting enough to keep me reading, I didn't find it extremely funny. My overall impression is favorable. Maybe I'm just not a funny sort of guy.

Keep it up and take care. *Smile*

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