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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/zehzeh
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71 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Candy Corn Wars  
Review by Zehzeh
Rated: E | (5.0)
The American version of Halloween is fun and not really scary and this captures not only that but the exploitation and marketing involved.
The British version is based around much darker things, the Old Religion, Samhain, when the ghosts walk. Your last line harks back to that origin neatly.
Only one niggle, a typo no doubt, 'too' (meaning as well as) instead of to.
What are nits, if not for picking.
A good read!
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Review of Brownies  
Review by Zehzeh
Rated: E | (4.5)
It made me smile
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Review of Ted Smiled  
Review by Zehzeh
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a lovely, gentle story! It kept me reading until the end. There's a couple of commas missing here and there, me just being picky!
Her neighbor, Ted, was standing...
And to be really picky, either use ' or " for speech.
Good luck in the contest!
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Review by Zehzeh
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi
What a great poem, just catching the dilemma nicely between correct behavior, social status and the pleasure of triumphant revenge.

My only niggle is the handwriting font. I had to have a couple of goes to read through it. I'm glad I did.

Well done! A deserved win.

Zehzeh
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Review of The Appointment  
Review by Zehzeh
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Very different!
It bounces along with nice touches of horror, despair and resignation.

Keep on rhyming!
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Review of The Climb  
Review by Zehzeh
Rated: E | (5.0)
Brilliant!
Pace, drama, tension, a touch of black humor!
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Review by Zehzeh
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
The storyline that you have developed has great comedic potential.

There are some points that could do with improvements.

When you plan a story, either on paper, or in your head, plan in paragraphs. Each para is a change of topic, or a new person speaking. Make sure you are consistent in separating them clearly, either by an indent or space. Like this.

Your use of commas is a bit random. Always put a space after a comma. When you are splitting speech put the commas in the right place, like this:
'Hello,' he said, 'Where did I put that comma?'

Look carefully at the sentence length. Each one is a single idea. A long sentence slows down the action, makes the reader pause for breath and calms down the action. A short sentence is a shock. A punch. Bang!

Remember to show, not tell. For example:
'Katie was 6'1,145 pounds,had black hair, brown eyes covered by glasses,large breasts were covered by a red t-shirt,large hips and a bubble butt which was covered by a pink skirt.' TELLS us exactly what Katie looked like. Alas, it is also a trifle tedious. Give hints that allow the reader to work out the description, trust me, they like to do it. How about this?

Taller than average and as curvy as a coke bottle, Katie had the all colouring of her Italian mother and all the dress sense of her aunt. Only she would squeeze her ample upper into a scarlet tee that clashed admirably with a fluorescent pink skirt, straining over her rear end.'

My words, my style. Your voice is there, in your head, listen to it and take your time to put it down.

The essence of comedy is timing (sentence length helps) and the unexpected. Build up expectations, make it clear what is going to happen. Then do something outrageously different. What if they uprooted the tree with Katie still stuck?

When the joke is told, the punch line delivered, stop. Your audience needs time to laugh and applaud.
Cut the last two paragraphs, just wind up with a simple one-liner. I have no idea what.

Remember the Ps in a pod.
Plan in Paragraphs, Punctuate and Proofread. Plenty of times.

Do not be downhearted! You told a good story, you kept a consistent viewpoint, you developed the theme. It had a beginning, a middle, an end. There was tension and conflict. All the ingredients to make a tasty morsel.

Write on! You CAN do it.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Sign of the Times  
Review by Zehzeh
Rated: E | (5.0)
Now that tells a story, succinctly!
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Review by Zehzeh
Rated: E | (4.0)
Enjoyed this poem, it's rhythm carried me along. Good Ilast line, tied it altogether.
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Review of Sketching in Tree  
Review by Zehzeh
Rated: E | (4.5)
Lovely, capturing the moment expertly
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Review of Was It 1969?  
Review by Zehzeh
Rated: E | (5.0)
You captured the summer of love, and it's ending, perfectly.
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Review of Obsessed  
Review by Zehzeh
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wonderfully creepy.
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Review of ODE TO A HELMET  
Review by Zehzeh
Rated: E
A salutary tale! (In the UK the law is to wear a helmet.)
The rhyming couplets work well but you might like to think about a pair for 'As a member of the heavenly Host.' On the other hand, the missing line does bring the poem to an unexpected stop - rather like poor Charlie.
I think, also, that the syllable rhythm could do with a bit of polishing, it kind of stumbles here and there. Do a syllable and stress count on the lines and see what you think.
Spelling and stuff like that is ok.
I do like the humourous way you treat the subject, it hits home the message so much better than a ream of lectures. I also like the way that you point out that Charlie wears his leathers, if you've ever done a slider from a bike, you will know how they save your skin, and the flesh underneath. Again, it underlines the consequences of Charlie's momentary lapse.
Overall - a really good effort, well done!

Have your gift points back - you deserve them.
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Review by Zehzeh
Rated: E | (4.5)
How well you have captured that daydream holiday that takes us away from winter. The first verse speaks eloquently of a tropical beach holiday, just the way I imagine it would be. The second verse is so true of the UK at the moment.

The lines:

Green feathered palm trees, casting faint shadows-

Over aqua glass water reflections.

Paint a perfect picture.

I have a quibble with the use of hyphens - at the end of so many lines. I think commas or full stops (periods in USA?) would have been more appropriate.
Apart from that, the construction of the poem is well thought out.

Overall: a deserved win!
Keep writing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Alofa Bread  
Review by Zehzeh
Rated: E | (5.0)
LOL!
I love this! I just ate up every word.
Keep on writing!
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Review by Zehzeh
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What a great twist. I'll forgive the American spelling of my native tongue (You guys always leave out 'u' !) I enjoyed reading this. Good characterisation, minimal, but obvious, setting, realistic dialogue and the pace is fast enough without being breathless.

Keep on writing!
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Review of The Mouse  
Review by Zehzeh
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I like the idea and the action. Maybe a bit more show (dramatise!) rather than tell.

'Jessie looked at Luke, who sat to the left of her. The rules of the game required him to answer.

Before he could do so however, Erin screamed shrill and loud – as though something terrible had happened.'

Could be something like:

Jessie slid her eyes left, Luke had to answer, that was the game. Her head snapped around. A movement. A shattering screech told them that Erin had seen it too.

Keep on writing!

Z
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Review by Zehzeh
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
What a brilliant story! I love the way the full horror of the story unfolds, clue by little clue. The way the narrator's insanity builds a graphic picture, using the fluttering butterfly to lead him further astray and deeper into evil only had its impact after I had finished reading it.

I wish I could turn out such a masterful story!
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Review of I want to teach  
Review by Zehzeh
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I sympathise with the poem. As an ex-teacher, all I can say is, keep the stars in your eyes, but be prepared for more paperwork than you ever thought possible. The profession needs people with stars.

Worth coming 2nd to.

Zehzeh
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Review by Zehzeh
Rated: E | (3.0)
I like the line:
'The beauty of autumn is seen in the distance.'
And the way you have adapted it in the last stanza.

To me, the rhythm of the lines is a bit chunky, the beat staggers along here and there, maybe you could try counting syllables? Or ask yourself is this word actually necessary?

Linking the stanzas together with the repition of the last line is a good idea - so when I came to the last verse I stumbled, but it does work, making me think about the autumn/winter change.

Overall - it needs a bit more work, but I do like the imagery.
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Review by Zehzeh
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Amazing how we sort of run along parallel lines!

I like it, the imagery in the first part is very strong and the way you lead into the multiple confusions of life.

I wonder what is at the end - I guess we all find out - eventually.

Good luck, fellow traveller!
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Review by Zehzeh
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
OOOOooo! I like the tension you build up in the story and the cliffhanger ending.

A couple of points to improve on, think about 'dramatise, not tell' - if fingers are drumming on a desk, then that builds the atmosphere, no need to tell the reader that impatience is the cause. Have a look through and see if you can see others. If you can edit out the tellings and keep in the dramatics, you will have more words for story.

Overall, I liked it, it is a story with potential. What happens next? Write another 'chapter'!
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Review by Zehzeh
Rated: E | (4.5)
I thoroughly enjoyed this piece of rabid nonsense. I'm going to have another go in a minute, but I managed to have police with giraffes in their pockets, I wonder if they are the Species Squad?
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Review by Zehzeh
Rated: E | (4.5)
A thought- and action-provking poem, hitting home accurately. Random acts of kindness, even just a beaming smile, make this world a cheerier place.
I can't see anything that jumps out at me as a point for improvement.
Well done, keep up the good work!
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Review of Barren  
Review by Zehzeh
Rated: E | (4.5)
A tearing cry from the depths of being alone - I hesitate to say lonliness, it is both more and less than that. The last line is the barb, without it, this poem would be only a dismal rant, with that last comment about feeling alive lifts the whole work to a higher plane. I cannot say that I like it but that is because of the content, it does move me and I applaud it - bravo! (In the same way, I don't like being unhappy, but if there is no contrast of emotions, how do you recognise happiness?)
Keep on expressing yourself.
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