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566 Public Reviews Given
567 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am thorough. The technical aspects are important to me as much as if the story makes sense. The word "cruel" has been used before when responding to a review I've given, but in an appreciative and kind way.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Comedy
Favorite Item Types
Short stories
Public Reviews
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76
76
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (3.0)
"Moments of emptiness, strung unto a cord." Do you mean to say "unto"? I think it should be "onto".

"There is nothing left except emptiness, but it had not always been so." Say "has" instead of "had" to maintain your tense.

This is an odd piece. The title implies something becoming animated after a period of dormancy, but the piece itself almost relates to a creature being born. Is that the intention? Is this a creature that, when it wakes, it is essentially born?

I think there should be more inside this prologue. As is, it sounds like some hashed poetry. What kind of entity are we talking about here? A god? An idea? A demon? And what's brought it about? I know these might be answered by the end of the entire story, but giving the reader a bit more, early on, might insure that they stay and find out what's up with this awakened being.

This was in the Hub. Good luck. As a prologue, I understand there should be more, and I hope you manage to snare your idea. Try not to be too vague. People like mystery, but they also like knowing what's happening.

Than Pence
77
77
Review of Red Path  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
In the first stanza, fourth line, I'd consider changing the last line to "Leads to secrets of his". It'll help with your flow by more closely matching line two.

In the second stanza, second line, take out the word "of". As is, it doesn't work, and a person can't really "be of laborious". But "being laborious" does work better, if you have to keep that word.

The poem is brief and works like a short journey of discovery. The finale involves his dead wife, and it's presumed that the killer was not found. Except for the small errors of flow, I'd say this is a good piece.

I found this in the Read a Newbie section, which means you're relatively new to the site. Welcome! I hope you're having a good time. There are many activities and contests to take part in. They'll also help you get noticed and read more often. Good luck with your future works.

Than Pence
78
78
Review of Multivalence  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (4.5)
"The Who Tripod consists of Listener, Muse, and Reader. A listener ... example of this is inherent in most religious debates. " This paragraph is very nice, but you swap between Art and art. Should it always be capitalized, or just sometimes? I know it probably carries a different meaning when capitalized.

"However, Multivalence proposed that the Reaction phase..." Should is read as "proposes", rather than "proposed"?

"In fact, way too often a Poet will "trim and prune" a poem to the point where it loses the original message from the Muse. This is why the use of free verse has produced poetry with so much more multivalence that earlier, tightly structured forms." I think the beginning is a little distracting right here. I wonder if you'd rewrite it to say "In fact, a Poet will "trim and prune" a poem too much, often to the point...". And in the second sentence, after "multivalence, "that" should be "than".

"What is very interesting about this poem is that the reviews expressed multivalence in the Readers reactions to the poem." I think it should be "Reader's reactions", with the apostrophe-S.

I used to have a bookmark that had your second Einstein quote on it. It was one of my favorite bookmarks that I recently lost. It was replaced by one with an Eleanor Roosevelt quote on it. It was a gift.

"Dan Sturn tries to separate his own reaction phase into two distinct reactions: one to the craftsmanship, and one to the message." Nice colon usage. I say that with all sincerity. It's not often that you see colons used correctly.

I began to get chills while reading the section titled "The Ultimate Multivalence".

I saw this piece on the Public Review Page and that it had been read twice by that reviewer. His/her praise for the work is what primarily tempted me to also read it. I'm so glad I did. It is a very intricate essay on what many writers and readers have to deal with: meaning. I write a story about rabbits and someone can think its cute while others can think it's a commentary about over-population. I might've intended for it to mean one thing and am surprised and thankful that someone else found a different message behind the fluff.

I will admit that I was, at first, timid about suggesting the corrections that I did. The mastery that's present in the overall theme is almost to the point of only being read and comprehended, but not changed. I'm glad I was able to help you in those small spots and enjoy the essay as a whole. Thank you for sharing it and good luck with further writings.

Than Pence
79
79
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is one of those poems that is short, succinct, and touching. Of course, we all feel the same way and can sometimes be surprised when we realize that someone, out there, away from our internal thoughts and feelings, might have a notion of what's really going on. Very nicely done.

I think what sticks out to me the most is the punctuation (I'm a grammar-man, so please bear with me). It sticks out and helps the piece because all that is used is question marks in the beginning, followed by a slow progression of commas, and then many commas at the end. No periods, no exclamation points. This is a piece that, just with those markings, gets the point across: first, there are questions, and then there is a pause that leads into several, grating pauses. Like we've asked ourselves the question and follow through to find the answer, but stutter along the way because we, really and truly, don't want to know. Again, it's good.

I think, language-wise, the third stanza is the best. "The reflection lies/The mirror hides" Those two lines sum up the entire piece with such ease.

This was in the Read a Newbie section and I'm so glad I read it, and I hope many others do as well. I wouldn't change a thing (which is odd because I almost always find something I don't like in a piece). I noticed you've been on the site for about two weeks, now. I hope you're enjoying Writing.com and have already had some wonderful, lasting impressions. Good luck, and keep writing.

Than Pence
80
80
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
"They couldn't remember and suddenly they didn't care." Take out the second "they".

"It was heavy, rich somehow." Use a semicolon instead of a comma. It looks classier *Wink*

"...wavering tones that sounded what he imagined wails would have sounded like when they spoke to each other." Do you mean "whales" instead of "wails"? I know that PIers Anthony often mixes them up on purpose (because he's such a witty author) but I think you might be aiming for the actual spelling of the mammal.

"And then laughing he pushed Penn into the pool." This sentences needs to be punctuated or rearranged. "He then pushed Penn into the pool while laughing" or "And then, while laughing, he pushed Penn into the pool".

"Suddenly the humming grew in intensity..." Add a comma after "Suddenly".

"Panic washed over him and he kicked off the bottom and made for the surface, but not before grabbing the object." As this brief scene depicts quick actions, I was forced to pause and think about him kicking himself off the bottom of the pool while also grabbing the object. In my mind's eye, it doesn't fit. Possibly saying "pushing" instead of "kicking' might imply that he used his hands instead of his feet and was able to grab the object at the same time, in the brief, panicked moment.

" "It's not working?" He asked." Lowercase the "He" after this kind of dialogue. I know a question mark is an ending piece of punctuation, but the overall sentence doesn't really end until "asked".

Again, this is a brief but intriguing short chapter. The brevity might force it to be classified as a chapter section, but more and more novels these days are adopting short chapters, so this could qualify. The mystery has deepened and a new object has been found. I wonder how they had hair and now do not. And why they didn't have any to begin with.

The sparse technology that had been introduced before (the cloud stick) is maintained, but the Navigator is introduced when it wasn't mentioned before. Is Navigator a brand name, which would call for it to be capitalized? If not, then I would wonder why you couldn't choose to capitalize cloud stick, unless it has a more official title that is capitalized. I know this seems like a quibble to harp on about, but I worry so much about what I capitalize in my own novel that I find myself noticing it in other people's things as well, and I simply ask why.

Thank you for sharing this, yet again. The story has progressed slightly while a new area has been explored, however briefly. It also sounds like, in addition to fire, these residents of this "past and future world" have little experience with water as well. How curious. Good job, and keep writing.

Than Pence
81
81
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
"Penn thought it smelled quite nice, actually, and he took a long..." Take out "actually". It pulls the reader from the realm.

"It was sometimes called a cloud stick. A convenient way to keep water with you at all times." Combine these two sentences with a semicolon.

"Uneventfully, the fire put itself out, expiring in a smoldering pile on the ground about an hour later." Without having it stated directly, I already feel sadness for these characters who are enjoying their first glimpse at fire in all it's destructive glory. Good job.

" "They were fire a moment ago, remember?" " Should this read as "They were on fire..."?

"It seemed almost like a living jewel." I'd replace "seemed" with something else. I'm not sure what, but "was" is the easiest word. "Seemed" doesn't fit here. "It behaved almost like a living jewel" perhaps?

This was on the Plug Page and I'm glad I read it. I'm always drawn to fantasy or science fiction settings and this feels like a prominent blend of both. I read that you were thinking of expanding this into a novel. I would hope that some history of the world would be explained along the way, but of course, half the fun is when the reader finds out for himself *Wink* I really liked this.

Thanks for sharing it. It was simple, but still memorable. I immediately want more because I wonder about the character's stance on death, why fire is something they've never seen, and how the technology surrounding the "cloud stick" came about, and for what purpose (if they are a faring race of humans, it'd make sense to always need water on hand, but not for many other dispositions). Keep writing, and let me know if there's going to be more works, in regards to these two fellows with the "handsome lips". I'm sorry. It really stuck out at me, in a positive and humorous way. Because either the man thinks his own lips are handsome, or his friend does.

Than Pence
82
82
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Haha, this was a nice and amusing tale. The description of Angus was very keen.

I had considered going supernatural with the prompt (an infestation of gremlins or teleporting termites) but I decided that I write too many fantasy-based stories and gave a semblance of reality a try.

Congratulations of the win. It's deserved.

Than Pence
83
83
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
"...stopped spluttering and began to roar I was too also inches away from howling in fury." Nice imagery, but it needs a little cleaning up. Add a comma after "roar" and swap around "too" and "was".

"Visibly protruding behind my shorts..." The way this reads, it sounds like the erection is coming from behind the boy. I'd suggest changing it to "Visibly protruding underneath my shorts..."

"I turned to machine confused." Say "looked at" instead of "turned to" and add a comma after "machine".

"Instead I just stood there, frozen in horror at the great sight." Take out "just".

"The bussing in my ears was now a roaring..." Use "buzzing" instead of "bussing". Unless it has a different meaning elsewhere. In America, bussing is what a waiter might do to a table after the guests have left it. Cleaning/clearing/bussing.

"Terrified, I obliged, succumbing to their tiny but numerous terrorists." Use "the" instead of "their". The line is very good otherwise, and even humorous.

"...like an angry tide, and angry but loyal tide." Use "an" instead of "and".

"...but his expression was peppered in a strong disbelief." Change the end to "peppered with strong disbelief."

"I made my way to the fridges and took some fresh fruit and a sandwich." Bees are very sensitive to temperature. It doesn't seem like they would tolerate him going close to the fridges and get some fresh fruit. Could he get a bag of chips instead?

Are these honey bees? The character fed honey to them, so I'm assuming they are. Honey bees die after they sting someone. They loose their stinger and much of their internal organs.

"...but aside from mentioning it that once time I never heard about that again." Chance "once" to "one".

I think the very last line should be taken out and have it end with "...bees or death." It feels more appropriate that way.

As a whole, I liked this story. It was fantastical and had a level of dark humor and cleverness that isn't seen too often. Logistics aside, it was entertaining and saddening. Even though this boy has some psychological issues, the reader can't help but feel for him. It was funny, towards the end, when you mentioned that unconsciousness came upon him like his medication, implying that he was on meds for some previous disorder.

The erection part seemed a little out of place. Are you trying to imply that the boy's hormones attracted the bees and led them to do his bidding? It seems a little unusual, like it might've been added to inflict the piece with a piece of unwarranted sexuality. His relationship with the bees goes beyond such a primal level of intimacy that I don't think it's needed. But, as to whether you really think it's essential, I've no clue.

This was on the Plug Page. I throughly enjoyed this tale of sad vengeance and look forward to more works. Thank you for sharing it.

Than Pence

84
84
Review of Scarecrow  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Okay. This is the second time that I've written a review. My browser closed with my text in it. I'll attempt to recreate it. It was on the Plug Page.

" "This is gonna sweet!" " You need "be" after "gonna".

"He had to shake it a bit to get a big spider that was living in there out of it." This didn't feel like it fit into the story. Why include it? If he was moving the box around to get rid of the spider, he'd already see what was in it anyway.

The excerpts from the journal should be differentiated with italics or some similar ilk. It'll help keep the present and past separate, even though they're few and far between.

"...Justin and his friend's bodies away intot he night." Change "intot" to "into".

What happened to the car? It's not explained. Did the scarecrow drive the car away, or stash it somewhere? It seems like the scarecrow would've simply gone for the kill and not bothered with the car. Then the two left would be even more confused and possibly terrified, rather than pissed off. And they might still call their friend that eventually discovers the bodies.

Thanks for sharing it, regardless.

Than Pence
85
85
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (2.5)
I read this piece in return for your review of my piece, "Butterfly Road", from a while back, when it was posted on the Plug Page.

"As dark clouds were forming overhead; outside of East Ayrshire, Scotland there was going to be a Shinicle." This sounds like it should be two sentences. "Dark clouds were forming overhead. Outside of East Ayrshire, Scotland, there was going to be a Shinicle."

"...at the gallows on a hill near a castle." Should this end with "a castle" or "the castle"? As is, it sounds like it's a rule that all gallows are to be erected near any castle. "Where there's a castle, there must me gallows nearby!" *Wink*

"They had shared with him a Barony: an area of land ... the Baron, or tenant in chief, as he was called who committed the crimes against the King." This is a very confusing piece of prose. Can it be cleaned up an simplified?

"...two figures clad in robed disguise were said..." Change "disguise" to "disguises".

"Upon, being approached they would simply disappear..." Take the comma out after "Upon".

The part that describes the horse leaving with the innocent man on it's back is a little confusing. Was he hung in that moment or did he escape with his life? Is it supposed to be ambiguous?

Overall, it needs some polishing but it does have a slightly chilly ambiance. Thank you for sharing it.

Than Pence
86
86
Review of On Zolar 14  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello. I'm reviewing this piece for you because you were kind enough to read my piece, "Butterfly Road", when it was posted on the Plug Page.

Reading through the first time, this is a very sad piece. I imagine that was the intention.

Each line begins as if it's continuing a sentence. I often like to capitalize the first letter of each new line when writing poetry. For me, it makes it look more uniform and cohesive.

In the second stanza, fourth line, you might need a comma after "Zolar".

In the third stanza, second line, I'd recommend ending the line with a semicolon or a colon as the next line sounds like it begins a new sentence. I noticed that each stanza ends with a semicolon and the entire piece ends with a period (which is a finite, binding effect throughout). In that light, I'd urge for the colon more than the semicolon. The same might apply to the fourth stanza's second line.

Of course, these are just technical issues as your piece, as a whole, is very nicely written. Good job.

Than Pence
87
87
Review of Charlie the Newt.  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (2.0)
"We even asked Mrs Rabbit who was always prone to loosing things where the best place to look was but even she had never lost a boot before, due the fact that she never wore any or heard of anyone loosing a boot, so she couldn't help us." A very long, wordy sentence. "We even asked Mrs. Rabbit. She was prone to losing (not loosing) things and knew best where to look, but she had never lost a boot before. She'd never even wore boots, so she couldn't help us."

"Poor Charlie he was getting fed up..." Take out "he".

" "No I'm afraid i haven't but cheer up I've come to help you look again this morning" " You need commas and a period. " "No, I'm afraid I haven't, but cheer up. I've come to help you look again this morning" " And I capitalized that "I" for you as well.

"Charlie Sighed and another tear..." Lowercase the "Sighed".

" "Oh its useless! we shall never find my beautiful boot again" " Add a comma after "Oh" and capitalize "we". Also, don't forget your ending punctuation. I'm thinking it needs an exclamation point.

"...Charlies boot came gently sailing down of one of the branches of the big willow tree." Change "Charlies" to "Charlie's" and change the end to "sailing down one of the branches of the big willow tree."

" "Now i remember i was climbing that tree..." " Capitalize both "i" and put a period or exclamation point after "remember". And at the very end of that same sentence, add the same punctuation.

This is a seemingly sweet story that only has me wonder if you're very young or if English isn't your first language. It needs to be polished either way. Nonetheless, writing is always to be commended.

This was in the Drama Newsletter a few weeks back. I'm happy for you that it was featured. Keep writing.

Than Pence
88
88
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (4.0)
"It's not The brain and body need to keep active on a on going basis..." You need a period after "not" and change the end section to "on an on-going basis".

"The population needs to find alterative activities..." Change "alterative" to "alternative"

I agree with many of your statements. I can't help but think that television keeps our economy moving (albeit sluggishly at the moment) by pushing the products that keep people employed. Of course, this is looped around by the idea that we only buy what is shown to us and if they didn't make it, we wouldn't even know if we wanted or needed it. And one has to wonder if the global population increased in relation to how much sex is on television. The more people in the world, the more jobs we need. The more jobs that need to be created, the more products that need to distributed and pushed. And what sells products? Sex! It's a horrible cycle that cannot be fixed. Too many people are settled by the "comfort" that television provides. But the message should be carried to the masses. Unfortunately, the best way to do that is through television: I wish just reading it was good enough these days. The irony is amusing, and sad.

I saw this in the Authors Newsletter from a few weeks back. Thank you for sharing it and I hope it reaches many people on the site. Keep writing.

Than Pence
89
89
Review of Mosquito  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
"A nearby sodium-vapor streetlamp cast a urine-yellow glare." Such a distinct, vivid description. I really like it.

This is an interesting short. Usually, bio-hazardous infections that can kill are spread by other means (or even zombies) but for this story, a simple little mosquito was the culprit.

"Bolting into a nearby breakfast joint, and coughing raggedly upon a young waitress..." I don't think the comma is needed.

I saw this in the Horror Newsletter from a few weeks ago. Thank you for sharing it, and keep writing.

Than Pence
90
90
Review of Hunting  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
“She took another drink of her beer and killed it, so she stood up to go to the kitchen.” And killed it? Did she finish the beer or snuff out the candle? It’s not too clear and the confusion pulls me out of the story.

Why would she say her phone was dead and then offer to let him charge his phone and wait with her? Doesn’t she have a house phone? And, of course, there are many phones that you can use while they charge and some that you cannot. I guess a “razor” is one that you can’t. Otherwise, he might mention that he could plug it in and make his call.

And then she takes off her panties. This is classified as “teen” but that detail alone alludes to something more “adult”.

You use the term “kill it” again. For someone who doesn’t drink, this might seem like a confusing term.

“ “I rememer my first time.” “ Misspelled “remember”.

“ “Have you had sex to any of your students?" “ Change “to” to “with”.

“She'd leaned over to far and was about to fall.” Change the middle to “…leaned over too far…”

“Two of his teeth had grown nearly an inch.” This would imply a vampire, but the large paw print wound signify a werewolf. Which is it?

This story is very descriptive and sensual, but it’s definitely not a “teen” story. “Gothic” and “dark”, yes, but not “teen”. I, like many, many others, have grown tired of vampire/werewolf stories, but this one isn’t necessarily of the same genre. The terms are never applied and the focus is more on the teacher and her despicable actions than on the fact that she’s being hunted. The twist is very nice and, at one point, I thought that she might actually be hunting for sex and the kill. I’m glad to see that she got her comeuppance.

I reviewed this because you were kind enough to read and rate my own story, and I saw that it had no ratings yet. Thank you for sharing it and keep writing.

Than Pence
91
91
Review of Enough  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a very gripping story that told so wonderfully with so few words. It sounds like how my last relationship ended: we tried being friends afterward but he kept taking advantage of my kindness and pity. I imagine a lot of people can identify with this same thing. Very nicely done.

I really liked the like "...not that/I'm going to act a jerk..." It stuck out the most for me, though I imagine you think the ending needs to be the most impacting part.

This was on the Plug Page and I'm glad you've shared it as it's always good to remember why someone is not in your life anymore: especially when they made you feel awful. Keep writing.

Than Pence
92
92
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (3.5)
" “This sucks,” She said" - Lowercase the "She". This is a common occurrence in your piece.

"Now in addition to his step-daughters, Jack now had daughters of his own..." Take out the second "now".

"Christina's oldest daughter, Samantha, was supposed to come along with Jack to his job at th

e airport" - There's a spacing error here. I don't think it's deliberate.

" “Basically you tell the pilot stuff he should be able to see if he just looked out the window, big deal!” " - Add a comma after "Basically" and put a period where the other comma is so that "Big deal!" is set off on its own, for emphasis.

"She was smart for her age-and Jack knew..." Use a double-hyphen or add spaces around the hyphen so that you don't inadvertently create a hyphenated word.

I've noticed Jack uses a lot of exclamation points when he speaks to Summer. It makes him sound sterner than you are probably wanting him to sound like.

"Not even fast food had been..." There's s space problem before "fast food".

"Or worse-if this was illegal..." Another space that needs a double-hyphen or a spaced hyphen.

This is a very cute little story here. I do wonder why Jack wouldn't be close to his own daughter rather than to his two step-daughters. I was, at first, confused as to whether she was his biological daughter at first, but you mentioned that she was eight and Jack had been married to her mother for fourteen years, but brought two other children into the mix (with both of them being older than fourteen, obviously). Was he trying to hard to get within their favors that he neglected his own child? It sounds like something he'd do: make a poor decision and then try to spin it around for the better.

I read this piece because you read and reviewed one of my own pieces. Thank you for sharing it with me, and keep writing.

Than Pence
93
93
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
"...even a few hours of being sedentary could cement your creativity in a block of slow moving molecules ." This is a very nice line. I like it. The period is spaced too far from the last word : )

-- ”Come over here and look at this plethora.” “We have a problem on our hands”.
Second scientist, “Yes, Someone better notify the SPCA”. -- Should the end quotes-begin quotes be dividing up the first line there? And you should lowercase the "Someone" or put a period instead of a comma after "Yes".

"However, If they put me in writers’ jail for this, I hope they put me in the writers block. I know how to get out. " A wonderful, final line. And oh so humorous! It's a very nice piece that really tackles the notions of writer's block and writing, in general. I've never seen Diner but it sounds like an interesting film. I've heard of Rollerball but it doesn't sound like the kind of movie I'd want to see *Smile* Thank you for sharing it with me.

I read this because you read someone of mine.

Than Pence
94
94
Review of The Ritual  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (3.0)
"Some minor slips and a few hundred breaths later Stealth Grooper joined..." Put a comma after "later".

"Leaning against a boulder, catching his breath, he asks..." Change "asks" to "asked".

"You see, while they were discussing the ogre, they weren't WATCHING the ogre." The "You see" part pulls the reader out of the story. Just start with "While they were discussing..."

"... just in time to witness ogre and barbarian attack each other." Add "the" before "ogre".

"In one motion he pulled a dagger..." Add a comma after "motion".

"...but he had to make a stand, he was getting close to a drop off." Use a colon instead of the comma.

"...roll out of range when noticed a figure behind the ogre." Add "he" after "when".

"Both things combined caused the creature to pitch forward..." An awkward sentence. "Both events caused the creature to pitch forward..." might make it better.

"...a flat place to lay down on to nurse his shoulder..." Take out "on".

"There was some chanting and probably some other things, the thief snoozed through most of it." These are two complete sentences. Use a period instead of the comma.

"Stealth stealth stopped in tracks..." Strike the second "stealth" and add "his" after "in".

This is an entertaining piece. The comedy is simple enough to visualize. I do wish, when you go back to edit this, that you click the Double Space Paragraph selection (it's in Section 5) so that it become visually more appealing.

I found this as your entry to the Fantasy Flash Fiction Festival. Good luck with it. I also notice that you're relatively new the site. Welcome! I hope you find it all to be incredibly enjoyable and helpful.Thank you for sharing your work and, as always, keep writing.

Than Pence
95
95
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
"...down to the base of the stone turret." Say "a stone turret".

"One was now home to a gathering of bats, hanging, suspended from the rafters watching and waiting as the world went by without them." I think you should change this sentence to "One was now home to a gathering of bats, hanging from rafters, watching and waiting as the world went by without them."

"t had been in the dead of night, not long after that a body and arms were crudely sewn together." Put a period where you have the comma as you have two complete sentences here and work better apart from each other.

"...that were still weeping a dark and putrid blood." A very nice image.

"...from cheek to cheek across my face..." Just say "...from cheek to cheek...".

"...he looked, almost normal, almost; I could scarcely believe it, human." Take out that first comma. Your usage of the semicolon is inaccurate here. This sentence should end like this: "...he looked almost normal. Almost - I could scarcely believe it - human." Hyphens are very helpful.

"The pale skin was too small for the body and it was stretched, visibly over the shining bones..." This is one sentence, except swap around "stretched" and "visibly" and take out the comma. Put a period after "bones".

"....the eyes were haunting with an evil stare and the mouth was parched and shrivelled..." This is another complete sentence. Put a period after "shriveled" (and make sure it's spelled like that, please).

"My hand shook as the small knob came closer toward my hand..." The imagery here is odd. It should read more like "My hand shook as it moved towards the small knob." and put a period after "knob".

"As the switch, was flicked and the circuit completed..." Take out that comma and put it after "completed".

"...had started the brain, he had awoken." This is a spot where a semicolon could be used effectively: replace the comma with a semicolon.

"....more powerful than I could have ever imagined..." Put a comma after "imagined".

"...but it didn’t heed to my command..." Put a period after "command".

"My pride and joy was no longer mine..." Another complete sentence. Add a period after "mine" Or maybe even a colon : )

"...took me further ahead and as the courtyard at the bottom..." Add a comma after "and".

"...and in my excitement; I tripped and skidded..." Use a comma instead of the semicolon.

"...with only mild interest yet, as the monstrous beast came into view they flew, alarmed, from their positions and circled it..." This is confusing to read at first. It needs to be fixed up. Put a period after "interest" and start the next sentence with "And yet, as the..." and put that second comma after "view" and keep the one after "flew" but discard the one after "alarmed".

"...as the bats swooped gracefully down, I saw their leathery black bodies and their thin, effective wings. I saw them land on the monster’s arms and I saw its head turn and look, silently at them." Replace that first comma with a semicolon and that period with a semicolon and take out that comma after "look".

"...had obeyed, to my disappointment, he had not." Put a period after "obeyed".

" 'you are mine, I created you.' " Use a period instead of a comma.

A nice take on the Frankenstein mythos. It's difficult to read because of your punctuation: I kept coming out of the story to fix them as I went. I was confused when you mentioned that his arms were matchsticks. I literally envisioned two large matchsticks sticking out of this monster's torso. And then I chuckled; not exactly something that's intended, I think.

This was on the Plug Page and I read that you were looking for honest, helpful reviews. I hope this qualifies as both, and that you polish up the peace since it needs some more work. Good luck, and keep writing.

Than Pence
96
96
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
"(which it did, because everyone knows you don’t live too long at the petting zoo)." A truly humorous line! Haha!

Oh, what a funny story you have here! I love that it's a story within a story and the fact that a low battery - of which is a current concern for myself! Ha! - is what pulled us out of the true humor and into the real world, where nonsensical vampire stories run rampant.

I saw this was your entry for the Cramp. Good luck with it!

Than Pence
97
97
Review of Enemeht  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
"Blind as he dreams he heard glass shattering screams and also cries for help. the screams faded and long pause of silence shrouded his dreams. Nothing but total darkness but inside the darkness a pair of electric blue eyes appeared.

"It's your turn to..." the words faded and it was silent once more "Die!" the word came from the darkness like an ear bursting skull splitting banshee scream and laughter came after it, like it was a clown laughing."-- This is very wordy and, as a result, confusing. The first part is what needs the most cleaning up.-- "While he dreamed, he heard screams that could shatter glass, accompanied by cries for help. Once they faded, silence shrouded his dreams. Darkness surrounded him, but in the darkness, a pair of electric blue eyes appeared."-- In the second part, you don't need so many adjectives to describe the sceam. Saying it was skull-splitting is enough. You also don't need that interruption inside the dialogue.--
It's your turn to... die!" We already know that these sounds are permeating the darkness and silence and ellipses ( ... ) tell us, the reader, to pause for emphasis. And capitalize "the" after "die!".

"Waking up in a cold sweat just to see more darkness." Mind your tenses. "He awoke in a cold..." Tense changes threaten to take the reader away from the piece.

" Uh Chad? What's up?' Max asked groggily." Add the open-quotation mark.

"...tow-thirty in the morning..." Change "tow-thirty" to "two-thirty".

"Max and his mother Jolee does not have a good relationship." Put commas both before and after the name "Jolee" and change "does" to "do".

"Four years ago is when his mother snapped,." Change "is" to "was" and take out that floating comma at the end.

"Max has tremendous speed and his mother is where he got that from." Change this to "Max is tremendously fast: a trait inherited from his mother."

"...mother running up the hill at fast speeds." Change "the end to "...up the hill quickly."

That's all the mistakes I'm going to comment on, though it's a far cry from how many are present. Is English your first language? I've noted that some people on the site might have another language as their primary and only try to put up a story in English so that it's more widely read.

This story needs a lot of work. Who is Chad and why doesn't he know that Max lives in a church and not with his mother? You put a lot of emphasis on what happened four years ago after starting the story and I almost forgot that you had started in the "present" and delineated to the past. You should make clearer breaks in the story when you jump in the time line: especially since you spend so much time in the past.

As I mentioned earlier, you need to also keep your tenses in check. It's important.

I saw this on the Plug Page and read you were seeking helpful, honest reviews. If I could rate this, it'd be a 2.0. I'd be more than happy to add more comments if you like, or revisit the story at a later date, after you've polished it up. Good luck either way, and keep writing.

Than Pence
98
98
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I liked thinking that this guy (or girl) focuses on the fact that he loses chess games, as if it's frequent! Very funny!

"Thought of breakfast – started gagging" Haha!

The line "Standard grammar fills my senses" is so poetic to me for some reason. I can't pinpoint why, but I know I really like it.

What a terrific piece you have here. It's witty and clever and such a joy to read. I read this because you were oh so kind enough to read my own work based on "The Raven". Thank you for sharing with me and keep writing, please!

Than Pence
99
99
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (4.5)
My first impression: no title for this chapter?

“Her face whipped by her hair as she spun, the speaker was granted a moment before her eyes fixed on him.” These are two complete sentences. Instead of the commas, a semicolon might be better suited.

“For all its size, for all the room that it covered…” Say “space” instead of “room”.

“ ‘…alliance that we can ill afford to offend them.’ “ Strike the end-quotation: Velira continues speaking in the next paragraph.

“She pulled out a ledger, and pushed it across the table.” Strike the comma.

“…granting the appearance of a crown, even though there wasn’t one.” End the sentence with “crown”.

“…slowly sitting on his chair as he did so.” Take out “on his chair” as that’s implied.

“More would have to wait for a more secluded time.” Change the second “more” to something like “decidedly” or something like that.

“…they hardly shipped enough of those to call a profit as it was.” End the sentence with “profit”.

“One of the traders, a small, whiny voiced little man…” Should this “traders” be capitalized? You’ve done that so far with other iterations of the title.

“The nods were expected, but slower than she would like.” Change the end to “but slower than she would have liked.” to keep within the same tense.

“By the Four, but they would need more. And in only three month’s time, what was more.” This pair of sentences doesn’t make much sense to me. Was something edited out? Or is the context different than what might be naturally perceived? It’s a little distracting and has the potential to pull the reader out of what might already be perceived as mere political intrigue: a facet that doesn’t always keep a reader interested.

“Most of them were staring out the wall windows to the ships below them…” Take out “wall” and the second “them” as they both are unneeded.

“…looking at her through his eyebrows, with his head lowered the way it was.” End the sentence with “eyebrows” as it’s a strong enough image to imply the rest.

“…and the rest of the Alliance wouldn’t want…” You’ve capitalized “Alliance”. I believe this is the first instance but you’ve used the term several times already, all lowercase. You should decide whether it’s a term that you want to always capitalize or not.

“She might as well have squeezed a brick with her bare hand and tried to squeeze water from it.” Change the second “squeeze” to something else, like “coax”.

“ ‘He certainly found a good ship.’ “ Another instance where the end-quotation need be stricken.

“…there will be records of his previous time here on the island.” Take out “here”.

“Velira revised her opinion of this man. He … called her that, and decided she would check his form for mistakes, just in case.” A very nice paragraph. It lets us know that Velira, like many people here in the real world, probably just has a low opinion of her external self. That or Garen is truly a naïve gentleman and knows when to dole out compliments.

“She blinked, and picked up the papers. The handwriting was atrocious, but readable, if only by the loosest translation of the term.” A truly comical passage that only reminds us that this world is decidedly simpler than our own when it comes to having people learned with basic essentials like reading and writing. Of course, in this world, there are many teens who suffer the same fate… and they attend school regularly! Oh, the humanity, but I digress : )

I’ve just finished this passage. I’m read through both the second and third chapters now and must say that the detail put forth is very evident. You’ve put a lot of thought into this world. Velira started off as a character that I might not have wanted to know because of her mixture with the Trade-politics and the fact that she’s a Trademaster. Judging by the way Sellas spoke of Trademasters in the previous chapter, I’d think such a reaction was warranted.

But that’s where the reader would be wrong because Velira is a very unique character, much like Garen is: she has doubts about herself and has to work within the confines of a demanding office. She doesn’t show fear when it comes to getting something done either: a trait admirable in any character. I’m so glad I got to know her somewhat.

Of course, you’ve ended this chapter with a bit of a cliffhanger so now I’m only wondering “What happened? Is someone attacking the harbor? Possibly those same galleons that Garen spied? Does that mean his family is dead too, having been near the same style of ships and possibly attacked? And how does Velira know Sellas?” It draws you in slowly and keeps you wanting more. It’s done very nicely. I’ll look forward to finding out as long as you keep writing.

Than Pence
100
100
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
"...most of the people on the docks as well." Strike "as well".

"...or turning parchment and paper into kites if the officials carrying them from ship to office were careless enough to keep less than a grip of iron on them." This is some remarkable imagery but is wasted so early in the piece. I love the "grip of iron" but the sentence (and paragraph) really needs to end with "kites" since you already did a "if the..." vignette just before this one.

"...with more still circling outside..." Take out "still".

"...what little space there was taken up..." Add a second "was" after "was", even though it sounds wordy: it's needed.

"A ship waited for him at the end of the pier..." Change this to "A ship was there for him..." since we already know he's talking about a pier.

When using ship names, it's customary to italicize the name. If you don't know how to do that on the site, just type { i } before the word you want to italicize and { / i } after it. You don't need to use spaces like I just have. If I had used them, you would've seen the passage in italics! Haha!

"They were staring at one another the way two people shared a secret." Change the "the" to "in a" and "shared" to "share".

"Garen looked down at the blade again, and slowly lifted his hand to it." Take out "again" and the comma.

" '...unless you need it to defend yourself.' " Take out the ending quotation mark since he continues speaking in the next paragraph.

"...face to face with Garen, close enough that it would be an even bet whether a thin plank of wood could slip between their faces." End the sentence with "Garen".

"It was why they were so successful and rich, richest of the Trade Isles." Use a colon instead of a comma here.

"Anything less, and he might as well just stay here." This feels more like an internal thought of the present tense. I'd suggest rewriting it as "Anything less and I might as well just stay here" and quote it or italicize it, which is another means of denoting internal dialogue from the rest of the story.

"Hefting the sack of his possessions that he carried in his free hand, the one not holding the sword hilt, he pulled it over his shoulder and walked down along the docks." Change this to "He pulled his sack of possessions over his shoulder and walked down along the docks." Less wordy.

"This was the ship that he was going to trust his life to?" Again, feels like another bit of internal dialogue that can be tweaked.

"He pulled himself to his feet, and shrugged out his shoulders..." The crewman has already stood by this point. Begin the sentence with "He shrugged out his shoulders..."

"...and pulling it into a semblance of a ponytail." Say "putting" instead of "pulling".

"Garen hesitantly shook the other’s hand, squeezing once to make sure that Sellas was real." I like this passage.

"...away from his face, and shoved the trap door back, letting it fall on the deck." End the sentence with "face".

"A porthole here and there let in a bit of sunlight, scarcely enough to allow one to find their path, but enough to allow one to see enough to get by." Change this to "A porthole here and there let in a bit of sunlight: enough to get by."

"...Garen looked at the stacked barrels on at his left..." Take out the second "at".

"Wood wouldn’t do that, would it?" More internal dialogue. Just italicize: no need to reword it.

"It didn’t really matter, anyway, considering that he was just using this ship to get from one place to another." Start this sentence with "He was just..."

I've just come to the end and wanted to mention this as soon as possible: why title this chapter "The Blacksmith" when Garen refers to himself as a swordsmith? Are you mocking him or reminding the reader that there's literally no distinction between the two and Garen is the type of person who clings to such trivial titles? Well, obviously not trivial in his eyes but by the reader's standards. If this is the reason, I like it: it has me wondering what other trivial things Garen might get heated about.

The back-and-forth between Sellas and Garen is reminiscent of Will Turner and Jack Sparrow. Is this intentional? As the films have no doubt caused a resurgence with all things pirate, I can't help but wonder if genuine tales as what you have here will only suffer through scrutiny because of the similarities. I say stick to your guns, regardless, but these are very distinct characters you've created here.

I like your term "worldbuilding" as it implies that you've put a great deal of thought into this story and the realm behind it.

Some might tell you this first chapter is lengthy but I like the informative pace of the piece. Do you know how many chapters you intend to include? Or maybe a final word count, of one exists?

I saw this on the Plug Page. Though there were things I would've changed (and I marked those as I read) I liked the piece as a whole and also as an introduction into something larger. I might be so courageous as to ask that you give my own novel a glance. "Sylvester & Tuette: Cursed Doubt"  Much thanks would be in order. I hope you continue with this story and keep sharing. And, as always, keep writing.

Than Pence
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