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Review Requests: ON
566 Public Reviews Given
567 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am thorough. The technical aspects are important to me as much as if the story makes sense. The word "cruel" has been used before when responding to a review I've given, but in an appreciative and kind way.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Comedy
Favorite Item Types
Short stories
Public Reviews
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151
151
Review of Midnight Whispers  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I saw this in the Short Stories newsletter so thought I'd give it a read. I thoroughly enjoyed this little mystery. I was a little thrown off when the voice was first female, then male, then female and thought it to be a typo but then came to realize that it is probably correct as it is as the sex isn't the issue. Very nicely done over all.

A quam I do have though is your excessive comma usage. Such as near the end: "From the kitchen, came sounds..." That comma is unnecessary as are many others. Reading this piece out loud (I seem to suggest that a lot) and pausing with emphasis should help you decide which commas are necessary and which aren't. As is, they slow the piece down when it's meant to build up.

I too felt a slight chill when the spirit said "Tonight." If there was no knife though, how was there a flash of steel in the moonlight? That part threw me for a small twist as this is a woman who has doubted what she has seen and heard only to find they were true to a certain extent. It seems unfounded that she would quickly conjure an imaginary knife to justify her own actions. Perhaps just a true trick of the light?

Kudos after all is said and done though.
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152
Review of The Hitchhiker  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
The first thing that grabs me is the mixture of your tenses. In the first paragraph alone, you have “It has not been so long…” and then short thereafter “it is not too late”. I used to have this problem (and still do from time to time). A quick “it wasn’t too late” would’ve seemed more fitting.

Next, your comma usage. There are a few instances where a semicolon is more appropriate. With the already mentioned sentence ending with “it is not too late”, a semicolon should be used before that part. “hungry enough to show he sensual desires, this will be so easy”. That’s another point of usage. Actually, in that instance, a semicolon or even a period could be used, making sure that the notion of “This will be so easy” is it’s own thought b/c it is. Over usage of commas is a common problem though so I wouldn’t feel like it’s something to grow concerned about.

The story itself is nothing to become concerned about. It almost works as a modernly dark morality tale. It actually reminds me of an episode of some old VH1 Twilight Zone-type story. The motorist and the hitcher are aiming to kill each other and keep souvenirs of the death. The twist at the end is that they’re both encountered by an elderly man who kills them and steals the air freshener as his own souvenir. So don’t be alarmed into thinking you’re crazy.

It’s a nice attempt at writing something some what fresh at least. Perhaps reading it out loud could help you to clean up the punctuation a little more. Other than that, keep writing. A solid attempt is better than none at all.
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153
Review of The Refusal  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
The descriptions were very intense, in my own opinion. It helped the piece immensely. I know nothing about the world or religion being described though so I'm lost as to how the subject is supposed to pass. I was easily carried into the story though, much thanks to the very vivid descriptions.

While describing the battle though, what actions took place weren't entirely clear. The messenger was entirely covered in sand up to his head, or the bomb-guy? That's the only part I got fuzzy on. Nice job overall though. Kudos!
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154
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Very interesting. It almost reads like a piece from just before the final abduction of Jews in Europe, all being secretive, making contacts, bartering for the better wares. I loved the relation to rodents at the very end. I actually skimmed back to see if I had missed an early clue in to telling that they were real rodents, and I’m still guessing they’re not. It also somehow maintains a post-apocalyptic holding over it, suggesting a world where something like cheese is government regulated. I imagine a true place such as this could exist today and has in the past, but the dismal undertone makes me hope it’s truly yet to come. Nice job overall.

Than Pence
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155
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wonderful. Very inspiring. People do so well to try and make the story of Alice in Wonderland something that can be easily twisted when Alice grows up. What you've managed to do is enlighten us to the fact that she merely grows up, but only to open a space for someone else to occupy.

I just come across this b/c someone compared my "The Birds and the Breads" to Alice in Wonderland but said it lacked the satire that made it enjoyable. They gave me a low rating but I like it.

Anyway, nice job you have here. Kudos indeed.
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156
Review of NightEyes  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is very nicely written, except towards the end. You slip up grammatically with "Babes" and "seen" instead of "saw". Otherwise, nice effort.
Throwing in the snow at the end kind of threw me off b/c I didn't pick up anything about snow in the beginning. I was imagining a picturesque woodland setting in the mid-autumnal season. Perhaps depict the season as well as I wasn’t aware that this was created recently. I don’t pay to much attention to that info until after the fact.
Good job, nonetheless.
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157
Review by Than Pence
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Bravo. So short and semi-intense with the descriptions. I was a little fearful of the bang coming from the kitchen. I thought it to be an intruder of some kind. I'm guessing this was for a contest of some sort. I hope you win.
I sometimes have a fear relating to this when I'm at home alone and showering and I'm betting several other people do too, which is what makes it so relatable. Kudos.
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158
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very nicely executed. I don't see a need to have that "Chapter 2" subtitle business as it's not necessary. The piece flows evenly enough without it. Your usage of quotation marks needs some brushing up. I only refer to your spacing and such between those pesky little punctuations.
I know it pretty much follows full-circle, but could there be even more? Would you contemplate going past that point in the cell to a distant point in the future of what-could-be, or maybe even the real future? Perhaps the victim being forced to accompany and accommodate a psychotic mind would finally try and win his life back by taking it away? Kind of like, "If I can't have it, no one can" situation, unless you feel he would never be able to do that b/c of the amount of control that's being displaced by the evil machination.
Maybe a jump backwards then, when the alternative mind starting taking over, pushing people and what not, putting a horrid smile after doing horrendous acts?
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159
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The story has only partially interested me. It still remains to be seen what exactly Sleth does. He's a con-man, but how? Does he merely stalk people to steal there identities or tail them to learn about potential hits? Is he even human? The candlemark is kind of a nice touch. I'm not sure I enjoyed having to be told when the titles were slurred or disrespectful when Sleth was talking to the messenger. I'm wondering if I would've been more inclined to find that out for myself as I encountered more people that had more dialogue between themselves.
The same goes for the translation lesson. Having it spoken between two people in a casual way might've been a nicer explanation rather than just forcing the explanation upon is and making us accept it. I may think it's funny on my own but I might think it's annoying if you have to tell me it's funny. Otherwise, nice job overall.
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160
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
It's very nice so far. There are a few obvious mistakes and typos that bring you out of the story, but a re-read should get rid of those.
I'm curious as to why you chose to write first-person for the heroine and third-person for the villain. Also, why have the villain waste time in explaining the situation and not simply trying to kill her.
Having her quickly examine the blade while it was being thrusted at her seemed very unbelievable in my book. Perhaps during the fight, he drops it and she picks it up and has that chance to examine it? Just a thought. Very nice beginning otherwise.
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161
Review by Than Pence
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
It's very poetic, yes, but what's happening doesn't totally come across. Is she committing suicide? Is she even human? Perhaps an animal or some kind of statue?
I do love the word usage a lot, but the ambiguiity simply strikes me too much and causes me to wonder what's realyl going on. If this is supposed to be a real woman, is she killing herself or just falling through life and she doesn't know it will destroy her? Confused, but delighted at the same time.
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Review of The Crimson Blade  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I liked this. The descriptions were very nice and I as able to be submersed very easily. I'm also curious as to what happened to the demon hunter and how the seeker will use the situation to his advantage.
I'm not sure how I liked being informed that the seeker was evil. I felt like I might have benefited from finding out on my own. I mean, does -he- think that he's evil or are his actions done for a self-righteous cause? I ask that b/c it's mainly told from his POV so far and I was curious.
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163
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (4.5)
This might work better as a prologue rather than a chapter b/c it does wonders with introducing the characters but they've not explained what there quest is ultimately all about. I'm wondering what the Arcadian is and if it's something that even the characters know everything and anything about. Are they following a myth or clues or has one of them had it before and has lost it to Lord Crelin?
Also, what age group is being targeted? I ask b/c the setup is very basic with descriptions of the characters and setting, but I guess it could just be to get it out of the way quickly and get into the adventure. Good luck with the remaining chapters.
And... you have this posted as Non-Fiction but I'm fairly certain that's a mistake. Just thought I'd let you know.
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Review of The Invisible  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
You should definitely go back and reread this to catch all the glaring errors concerning spelling and grammar. I'm not sure where the story is going after this first chapter as you've rushed everyone's dynamic. Conan is jealous and Lana is already the love interest. We're only told this and not allowed to discover it along the way.
Usually with a story that's told from the first person POV, we don't know the thoughts and motives of other characters. That's one way that we identify so closely with the main character. In that light, we would only suspect that Conan is jealous and that Lana prodded Conan to join Ion on his mission as Ion himself isn't wholly sure of either at this point. There's been no confrontation between the two to suggest jealousy but one seems to be in the works.
I'd say that for better storytelling purposes, you might want to limit the story to being told only from Ion's POV and let everyone else discover Lana and Conan for themselves, along with other members of The Invisible.
It's a nice start otherwise and I wait to learn what happens to the trio next.
165
165
Review of Thru The Scope  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I enjoyed the imagery of this very much. You have a few spelling errors that serve to detract from the piece. Fix those and you have something nice here. It could serve as a prologue to some larger story centered on the sniper's lifestyle and how he exists. He's always searching for an enemy he doesn't know, feeling something and nothing for them only after they expire. He could have a double that's his equal or maybe that has a superior gift with sniping. Maybe a better scope?
One question; is this taking place in World War I and/or II, when Germans were the common enemy? The only clue about the timeframe is the mention that the character is German. I guess it could be set in today’s world but the Germans aren't wholly our enemies anymore.
That's all. Do with these comments what you will, and kudos on the descriptions.
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Review of Untitled  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The second version seems to be more definitive about who you're speaking about and too as you mention what the object of your affection is doing (taking your order) but the first one seemed to impact me a little more. There was less question at the end in regards to how she would feel about your thoughts, as if that was just the afterthought it should be treated like. You don't really care how she thinks about your feelings, do you? At that moment, it just seems like you're more possessed and obsessed with her as a person of beauty. Maybe something like that could help you decide.
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Review of Untitled  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very nice, short, and sweet. I like that you're not afraid to use punctuation in poetry, as many people don't think it's necessary. I was wondering if you were aiming for a set rhyme scheme or if you just wanted what you got with the last three lines. I love how "skies" and "eyes" play off of each other, as being separated by "again". Did you just save the rhyme for the end or did you consider peppering the entire poem with a scheme?
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Review of They  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the way it sounds concerning the rhyme, but I'm not sure if it's tackling a specific issue or just a man that feels accountable for many things in general. I see him as being an outcast of some kind. I also see that he might've been mortally threatened as he proclaims that he's going to die someday. People who bring up their own mortality often just had it questioned. I'm a bit too curious as to why this man is distressed. I know it's supposed to boil down to him being a boy inside a man, but I need a little more.
I also kind of need to know what "final toll" was paid after laying upon the bed. That's a bit confusing, and not just b/c it should be lie instead of lay. Nice job overall though. I'm very eager for answers.
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Review of Vocabulary  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (3.5)
I liked the message but the actual rhyme scheme was a little jarring. It was a bit unnatural for me. For symmetry purposes, the last stanza needs another line. For a poem that's supposed to simultaneously boast about and defend your expansive vocabulary, that feat is not wholly impressed here. That could mean I have an equally expansive vocabulary, but it's probably constructed that way so that those that are less advantageous at the word well will get the point more concisely.
170
170
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (4.5)
"The children in town are happily running," "as it's a time for tricks that are cunning." I wanted to change it to that b/c your usage of "cunning" really left me perturbed, even though I’m wholly aware that cunning is a noun as well.
Otherwise, I like the piece. At first, I wasn't sure about what was happening during the "I had a cow" stanza but it became evident.
171
171
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
The man was stabbed in the back with a knife and, what, he's a super human or something? He was also shot 16 times and then once more by the woman in the red dress. Regardless these are not my characters to mess with or dictate the actions of, but to me, she feels like the type of person that doesn't "pass out". Rather, she seems like she would simply be asleep and he'd have to actually sneak out instead of walking out over her unconscious form. But what’s with the super human? Are we looking at a supernatural story here or just something that’s meant to serve as a new kind of pulp cartoon?
Also, the time period is a baffling mystery. You use words like "dame" and set it up as if it's a western saloon or some old-style small town but there's a microwave. Is this meant to work like Star Wars? A dash of the past mixed with the future?
Grammatically, you should go back and touch up on your spelling as there are a few mistakes. This sentence "She cooked, Microwve dinners every night, then the bar, and breakfast at five o’clock each morning, at the all night dinner." does not make too much sense to me at even the third glance.
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Review of Prologue  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (4.0)
The first thing I’m noticing is the remarkable similarity to how Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire begins and how your story starts. A groan escaped me when that thought occurred but I persisted. Then I learn that a young boy who’s unaware of his destiny is at the center of your story and I then groan again. The similarities are too striking for me to let slide without comment.
What you seem to have done though is take it all to another world which is a nice change but you’ve given everyone such odd names that it’s very doubtful I’ve even pronounced them correctly. And there are so –many- of them right in this prologue that it could very easily get confusing. Like, I’ll have to go back and copy down individual names and what race they’re associated with if I’m to recall who is what and how.
I realize that since we’re in an age that has seen a lot of fantasy, it’s hard to come up with new ideas without drawing on older formulas and without creating much more complicated names. For those reasons, I must say that I do enjoy the premise. I also wonder exactly how the magic system works, and why it’s that one boy (presumably on Earth) is destined for Mage training. I myself am aiming to produce a series of fantasy stories that are set in another world, though I have none of that here on the site.
On a purely grammatical stance, go back and reread the piece. There are some catch-points that are noticeable. And possibly, if you’re aiming to work with these characters for the future, introduce the notion of “nick names” or shortened version of their names. Not only does it make a long name shorter and easier to remember, but the audience feels much more connected to the fiction people as they feel a little more real.
I’m now not sure if any of this helped but good luck anyway.
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Review of Tyler Comes to ME  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (3.5)
The construction of the poem is problematic. You have two equal stanzas and then a double-sized one comprised of a different rhyme scheme and then a final, dithering one that just repeats every other line of the first two stanzas.
It's almost like you're so overjoyed to have this Tyler character back that you've forgotten how to more coherently present your feelings. Maybe try reading aloud to balance it out more. That always seems to help me. Maybe even turn it into a nice prose piece. I'm sure that would work nicely.
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Review of my muse hates me  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I'm not done reading but I have to say that the lack of any form of punctuation or capitalization is rather bothersome. Line 9 is troubling to read.

Okay. The message is very nice. Metaphorically speaking, you got distracted by a love interest and it hindered your creativity and now you can't get back into that creative niche that you were oh so comfortable within. Other than the grammatical issues and a few lines that read very harshly, it's very pleasant.
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175
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I wasn't sure if I was reading something coherent with a point or just a rant until I got to the end. It's a rant, indeed (or ramble, as that's the word used in the piece). It seems to point out all that you believe to be wrong in the world but offers no solutions. I cannot agree with that. Also, aberration is misspelled, unless that's on purpose, signifying that you're an aberration that doesn’t quite fit into the system of English spellings. I do like the end though, about saving yourself from plight. Very poignant.
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