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Review Requests: ON
566 Public Reviews Given
567 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am thorough. The technical aspects are important to me as much as if the story makes sense. The word "cruel" has been used before when responding to a review I've given, but in an appreciative and kind way.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Comedy
Favorite Item Types
Short stories
Public Reviews
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Review of Dreams  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoy this. I wasn't sure if you were going for a rhyme scheme or not upon cursory glance but reading it like it rhymed and then re-reading it as if it without a rhyme scheme was much easier. I like the content too. I actually have a couple of prose pieces in my portfolio that are fully based on dreams that I had. They seem to be a place of unlimited potential. My fav lines are the first two in the third stanza due to the strong truth that lies behind them.
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Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (3.5)
I'm not sure that the analogy comes across. Like, I wouldn't pick up on it if you hadn't introduced it as such. It actually more sounds like you're discussing your love of roses than anything. For the tenth line, I suggest changing it to read as "But one that is all black and dead". I know a rose can't be completely black but having it be "the black" makes it sound odd. The part about metal piercing hearts; is that about cupid shooting arrows at people to make them fall in love or to show that people are easily lost to war, despite the fact that they're said to be in love? Just a ponder, I suppose.
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Review of My Really Bad Day  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (4.0)
Quite the sucky day, indeed. What was the green liquid mentioned in the very beginning? I can't imagine. In the second-to-last line, you say "waited till tomorrow" when it should probably say that you "waited till the next day" as that seems more grammatically correct, though I couldn't tell you how. Overall, nice progression through the sequence of sad events. Don't forget to capitalize the few I's that have permeated the text.
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Review of Crunch Time  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is actually quite intense. I don't know how but I felt like I was with the players, despite the fact that I've never played a serious game of football a day in my life. Maybe the movies helped me get there. There are some meter issues though. Parts where the flow is halted b/c of the meter isn't lined up like it should be. Read it out loud to find those problems and they should prove to be easy fixes. Otherwise, nice job.
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Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (2.5)
What the...? You need to better-organize everything here. Let's go for some proper sentence structure and a real plot. For instance, how'd the item come into the man's possession? What was his name? How far away was the kingdom? Did it have a name? You could easily expand this to make it something, just, more than it is. Reading it out loud should help you with the grammatical mistakes but the overall story needs a bit of help too. Yes, it says something about making selfish or evil wishes but you need to surround that issue with something more substantial than a man, a vial, and a kingdom.
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Review of The eye  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like the imagery and the slow progression to something more but what is the conclusion? Is this kid forever doomed to walk the halls of his nightmares and be taunted by The Eye? Is The Eye supposed to be representative of what the kid always feels in real life, such as he's always being watched in his private spaces, i.e. his bedroom and the bathroom? I'm confused b/c you say in the end that The Eye is still there and that something doesn't feel right and yet, he’s simply back in bed as if back at the beginning. Clarification would be helpful. Also, some synonymous words were used like "through" for "threw" and "defence" for "defense".
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Review of A Well-Lived Life  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (3.5)
How did the angels speak like a poem when the only thing they said was a single line? So his last day on Earth was a cloudy one. I would hope that my final day would be sunny or maybe just partially cloudy. The meter is almost perfect, could use some tweaking but you've got the rhymes down pat. I'm also very fond of the punctuation as it seems to have become a rarity in modern poetry. Maybe a little more info on what he did on that Final Day to signify that he did, in fact, have a Well-Lived life b/c as is, I only feel like he was trying to stay one more day and on that day, he just goofed around outside. Didn't bother saying goodbye to anyone or attempt to make amends if any were present. That would lengthen the poem considerably so don't do it just 'cause I suggested it.
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Review of OIL THE HINGES!  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is very sweet. I love using this rhyme scheme and have done so in twelve poems, though at the time I was creating them with peers in a class who were using much more complex forms of poetry and I felt I was devolving backwards but I now realize that I've progressed b/c finding the proper rhymes is challenging, especially if you want it to make sense, as you've done here. Is this truly an old Irish saying and what is "brougue"? Some ancient Celtic language? I’m piqued with interest but I don’t want to bother to look it up as I’m sure you won’t mind answering. The message overall is very true and tender too. Kudos!
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Review by Than Pence
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Gotta say it: Punctuation helps, and not just b/c it's grammatically correct to do so. It can help dictate the flow so much nicer than people think. Going from Line to Line without punctuation causes the reader to stop, go back a line and start over again but with the proper flow of reading until they realize that the lines don't flow into each other at all. That each is meant to stand on their own. With a period at the end, that point comes across with the first glance.
The message of the poem itself is a little muddy, though I like the rain imagery. The tears in the beginning are meant to be human tears, yes? If so, the sun would clear them up or, metaphorically speaking (unless I missed something), your love by your side. Yet, at the end, you don't want the sun to appear and are content with the tears and rain. Why? Just a personal preference I guess.
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Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (4.0)
It's very descriptive though I find that it's more difficult to review someone's work when it's trounced as an actual event. They hold personal meaning with it and can easily get offended if the proper things are’t said, as has happened to me a few times. Like Oley: Why withhold the last name? Why not give him a new one or just simply refer to him as Oley? There are punctuation errors here and there but that's nothing to be worried about b/c it can be easily fixed with a quick look-through. This sounds more like a cautionary tale than anything, saying hot we can't trust the old country stores b/c they aren't hygienically safe though I'm sure that’s not what you wanted to convey. Overall, nice story.
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Review of Only the Good  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I feel odd about this. She loses her husband and has sex with one of his employees right after the wake/funeral? That seems a little weird for me, especially since you said that she was pretty close to being a Saint when it came to living within the faith. I just don't know. In the end, Danny says, "I'll give you mine." Give her what? His truth or his friend? Is it supposed to be ambiguous? The 3rd and 4th paragraphs dealing with Ruth are confusing to read at first and takes a second reading to understand what is being discussed. I do like the parts concerning her boredom with Danny and how she wants to imitate the flowers. That's almost poetic.
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Review of Ah, What Wishes!  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (4.0)
It carries an almost childlike quality about it for it praises the wishes that most adults simply find distracting. I found it odd that there was no rhyme in the first stanza but one present in all the others. Is this to say that at the beginning of a dream or wish, disorder is present but we can make up a harmonical rhythm as we go along through the fantasy? This is moot if you're pronouncing "history" in such a fashion as to force it to rhyme with "sleep" though and if that's the case, forget what I've said. "Distant lands in reverie" and "From these ordinary men." is probably what you were aiming for in those lines. Otherwise, nice job and kudos.
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Review of Death of a Friend  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (3.5)
Due to my recently learning a definition yesterday, I read your second line as "Wrapped in a circumstance of memories" and then I looked back and realized I changed it but thought it sounded much more eloquent with "circumstance" rather than "circle".
The second stanza contradicts itself in which you said you shed a tear for each memory but then you say that each tear is for memories that won't be created in the future. Same thing in the third stanza, but with "sad" this time, though I'm starting to wonder now if you're going for a double meaning/same stanza motif.
I love the 4th stanza muchly. It very much sums up the whole poem, which makes a nice argument that it belongs at the end.
It seems kind of weird for me that you saved any kind of rhyme for the last stanza but that's a personal choice, I suppose.
Overall, b/c it has no identities, it feels very much like other parted-friend poems, except for that very moving stanza that sticks out at me. It sums up your feelings, emotions, and thoughts in so few words and carries the meaning neatly.
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Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (3.5)
I don't understand the big deal. When I lived in Minnesota, I was always taught to call older women as Mrs. So and So. When I was 9 and moved down to Alabama and didn't call any woman Ma'am, I was scolded. It was a weird transition and one that I still don't follow, but all the kids that grew up down here call any older woman Ma'am and it sticks with them for life, even as young children are calling them Ma'am. It's a Ma'am-a-palooza here in Alabama. Maybe this is a regional-specific essay but here in Alabama while I am now in my early 20s, if I'm talking to a woman that's older than me, younger than me, whatever, I call them by how I was introduced to them or how they introduced themselves to me. If I don't know them, I usually just say, "Hey lady/woman!” such as if they dropped their scarf. I don't get scolded for not saying Ma'am anymore but I do kind of snicker at those who will do it forever.
I know you’re excited at some parts in this essay but multiple punctuation marks used at one time isn’t necessary to further get your point across. Scan this again and see about comma usage. Some of the sentences will be easier to read with proper comma marks, like “usually by someone who looks, or, I perceive, old enough to be my father or mother”. Actually, that sentences feels like it’s missing word too, right around where the commas are. Overall, nice point to get across as I’m sure many women feel the same way. As for what your future husband’s children might call you, we call my mother’s husband Jim and nothing else. I guess just some random advice to think about.
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Review of THE WIND  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This almost alludes to the fact that She is dead. She says she's like Wind and can only be felt, not touched. She's facing the setting sun, always a nice symbol for death, and you don't end it with a They, but a Him, which possibly signifies that He is alone in the end, despite the fact that He can feel the Wind around him in His dead She. I'm probably reading this wrong or too much, as I tend to do but as is, I'm picking up dead She and content He.
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Review by Than Pence
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This line made me grin: "That woman doesn’t get manicured. She gets honed." I though the name of the aliens was funny but I didn't get it at first until you mentioned the fact that women find them to be anatomically better than human men. During the part about the alien General at the first McDonalds, I was getting confused about who was talking b/c you use "alien" interchangeably. When I first clicked on this, I was expecting a Space Quest knock-off (I love those games!) but it’s cleverer in the sense that it’s told after the fact, much like Stephen King’s Carrie. Kudos.
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Review of Item Statistics  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
The final part was the most helpful to me. The part regarding "group ratings" versus "individual ratings". I recently got a review saying that my Poe poem was offensive and it ruined my whole day b/c of the way that lady pushed her opinion onto me. The whole stats thing is a little demystified but I still look at them with a sloppy grin. That's only b/c you said we can tell which audience is being received best and I can never decide what audience I'm writing too. Thanks for the helpful stuff though.
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Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow. Rather grisly at the end and it comes from such a tame (yeah right) story. When you wrote "A Robin’s breast flashed red past her window", I thought an actual Robin was sitting at the window but then you went on to say that it was Red Riding Hood. It was a brief moment of confusion. Did the miller die? You said the thumping stopped which kind of suggests that the miller either died or left suddenly. I remember that some guy with an axe is said to save grandma but maybe in this version, the Wolf got wise and ate him first. Thought it was good. Maybe write a version from the Wolf's POV now?
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Review of Touched By Love  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (4.0)
I do like the overall feeling of the poem. Love is eternal and you still feel the same as you did at the beginning but the fourth stanza is a little weird for me. Are you saying that you're surprised that, even with the cast amounts of emotion, you can still feel? And feel what, exactly? The love or heaven that was mentioned two lines above? That's my only realy question. Like I said, I liked the overall tone.
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Review of Shark Skin  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Does Anton live near the ocean or on the beachfront of an ocean? If so, you could have him look out the window while wiping at his panicked sweat that doesn’t seem to go away. He could get out of bed and then stand at the window, finding it easier to breathe through his mouth b/c his nostrils didn't seem to allow enough air.
"Anton felt the hatred leave his body and a numbing fear was left in its wake. The fear gripped him with a chill that was only accentuated by the large amounts of sweat that seemed to catch the faintest glistens of light. He turned his head only and looked out the window, easily seeing the crests of waves in the ocean that lay so close. Another shiver ran down his spine and he sat up, threw his legs over the edge of the bed, and heaved himself up with trembling arms. Anton walked to the window and opened it, allowing the faint crashing of waves to wash over him. The crisp night air had no effect on him at this point so he just stood there, staring and inhaling through his mouth. It felt like he couldn't get enough air through his nose to fill his lungs at this point. Anton focused on a spot in the water and felt a small leap in his chest as yet another fearful illusion played out in front of him. He thought he saw a shark. No, not -a- shark; -the- shark, the one that got away, though some would argue that Anton was the one that got away. Pulling his limp body from the water was said to be his parent's most wretched of days. It only went from bad to worse after they realized that the shark hunter with them, Ramón Diego, couldn’t find the beast despite the large trail of Anton’s blood that coursed through the murky ocean. That shark was still out there and Anton couldn’t help but feel terrified of the fact that it wanted to finish what it had started twelve years ago.”
Hope this helps at least a little.
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Review by Than Pence
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I did have fun reading it, like I did that other thing about Christmas written by you. This one seems more focused though which can still be good when you're trying to rant. There was yet another line that caused me to laugh aloud: "is celebrated by pretending there’s something sacred about a holiday that’s younger than your parents". I know nothing about Kwanza and now I can, at least, say it's a very young holiday. Thanks for the info and keep this type of stuff coming b/c I'm always here to read it.
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Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (4.5)
The golden thieves are rays of sunshine, correct? If so, than this seems like the most appropriate thing a poet would say when ordered to get out of bed. It almost feels like it just dropped out of the brain (that's a compliment). Should there be a period or semicolon in these two spots: "I SLEEP; AN EPIC" "OF TIME; FIGHT BACK" and maybe a comma after BACK? Those little suggestions would seem to help out an otherwise very nice morning poem.
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Review by Than Pence
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
It needs more if you're to classify it as "horror". I came in expecting to get tingly and I felt nothing but irate for the lack of proper punctuation (That's really only a small flaw. Something that takes little time to correct. Try reading out loud and you'll see where they belong). Now, about the story: Add some more. Voices and phantom objects don't cut it for me. I wanna see descriptions of ghosts that may be farther down the hallway, slowly making their way towards you; I wanna see creepy, close-up face descriptions of someone dead that's looking through the door-window into James room (which is common for asylum doors, I hear); I want James to feel the chill of either passing through a ghost or a ghost grabbing him fiercely, leaving marks on his body that would be unexplained with the collapse of the building. Maybe Alex is outside, about to come relieve her beau of the dare-duty only to hear his screams and see him try to exit through the front door, and then she sees him being pulled back into the falling building and a few dead guys are grinning at her from various windows of the building. Build it up, man! Let's see some terror!!!
If not, just fix the punctuation. =)
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Review of Rainbow Palette  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (4.0)
I'm picking up that this talks about a break-up with someone and the relationship was one that wasn't working, despite the fact that you both love each other. Thinking about the person brings back sweet memories and bitterness b/c you know you'll never work as a unit but you will always still love them, as distinguished but the "candle that still burns", which could represent the love. Let me know if I missed the point completely b/c I've been known to do so quite often.
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Review by Than Pence
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wow. This is some extremely creative stuff. The fact that you warned away religious people actually drew me to it and I'm glad b/c it is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time. It's like something you might hear someone just jabber off while they' were drunk or something. I love this line about Froz T: "*sigh* Nobody wants to attend a music festival called “Give a hoot don’t polluza”" I chuckled muchly. Yes, some religious types will get offended by some of the stuff, like Jesus becoming a battlebot and being defeated by Megasanta (It's so true though!) but who gives a crap about them! Write on!
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