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Review of Dead in Space  
Review by Sarah
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Reading* Hello PureSciFi - And the Oscar goes *Reading*

An interesting story, with a clinical approach that helps build the atmosphere for the reader. I imagine a space ship would be a clinical, clean and organised place and your story resonates with this fact. I enjoyed the dialogue being in italics which helped convey the idea that these people are communicating via thought rather than speech. I feel the final paragraph does tend to leave the story feeling unfinished, unless this is going to be part of a chapter for a longer story? If not the notion of not eating is something that can be added too. I'm not sure how this should or could be done, but I just think it could become a seriously terrifying cliffhanger. being on a space craft... unable to eat... terrifying stuff!

*Idea*The comments and suggestions *Down* are my personal observations on your work; use or discard them as you see fit. I hope you find them useful.*Idea*


*Flower4* Only nothing to indicate she had been killed by it.
I personally don't like sentences that end in prepositions such as "it". While I know it is more acceptable these days I find it interrupts the flow of reading, and I do believe that a bit of editing not only fixes the sentence but can improve it. Example *Right* Only there was nothing to indicate she had been killed on one of these terrifying creatures.

*Flower4* Robekka died the same way as the others did. All her internal organs have disappeared.
Consider placing this sentence/speech in a separate paragraph, which will give it more emphasis and emotion for your reader... making more of a statement.

*Flower4* It did have a plague happening there when we stopped...
"It" refers to the planet Forwim, which is pretty important for a science fiction story. The word also tends to lessen the impact of a plague, which could be an integral part of the story. I feel "it" doesn't really work here, and it's easy to remove the word with a bit of editing *Right* A plague had just broken out when we stopped...

*Flower4* Millia sat down in the chair in front of her Data Monitor.
*Flower4* None of the dead have been on the Ground Team.
*Flower4* Millia started hitting one key on the Control Panel
I may be wrong here, but unless the highlighted term is a proper name (like John Smith or Samsung Galaxy) there is no need to use capitals. There are quite a few other instances in the story where I am unsure that capitals are required and if the places or objects are proper names. If I am wrong then please ignore this comment.

*Flower4* Not yet. There are a hundred crew members on this ship.
If this text is conversation then it needs to follow the format of the rest of the conversation and comments and be italicised.

*Flower4* The Prison Express happened to be a prisoner transport ship
This text is in italics, but it does not appear to be conversation. It seems to be describing the Prison Express for the readers, and if this is the case the italics need to be removed.

*Flower4* Trom entered into a Common Area.
the highlighted words have the same meaning. Suggest removing "into", or replacing "entered" with "walked".

*Flower4*What is the other aliens name?
Apostrophe needed *Right* alien's (the name of the alien).


Name sig from Connie

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Review of The Mist  
Review by Sarah
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Reading* Hello Amay *Reading*

Generally your story flows well, with good spelling and grammar. There's certainly emotion in your words; I could feel both characters' emotions even though you've used less than 500 words to describe the scene. I love the setting, and the way the mist matches both their feelings, and how as it lifts things become clearer. For both of them.

*Idea*The comments and suggestions *Down* are my personal observations on your work; use or discard them as you see fit. I hope you find them useful.*Idea*


*Note4* ... but it really wasn’t in her power to do that.
Try to avoid ending sentences in prepositions such as "that" - while more accepted these days it's an old writing "rule", and I personally find sentences flow much better when this is applied.

*Note4* She continued to watch him. His breathing, smooth and steady...
Rather than the stop consider using a colon (:); you say she is watching him, and the details she notices quantify this observation and make what she sees more personal for the reader.

*Note4*The bridges that had to be crossed, that was what worried him.
Quite often the word "that" is superfluous and doesn't add much value to the sentence. In this sentence it featured twice, and while it's not wrong to use "that" an edit may show you what I mean *Right* The bridges they had to cross; that was what was worrying him.

*Note4* He guided her to sit by his side...
The highlighted word indicates to this reader he is taking her somewhere, and we know they are already sitting together. Consider an edit, such as "He gently pulled her closer..."


Flower from Laurie

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Review by Sarah
Rated: E | (5.0)
How great to find another African on the site! There are a few of us... I shall be following your blog and hopefully future writings with interest!
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Review by Sarah
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Reading* Hello bas }*Reading*

I too have entered the amazing "Project Write World, so I am having a look at some of the entries.

This is an enjoyable and also disturbing read. The pressure brought to bear upon students these days seems to be a universal trend. As I never went to university and I am over fifty years old now it's a theory that absolutely appalls me. There is so much pressure on young people today that I often wonder how they cope!

*Idea*The comments and suggestions *Down* are my personal observations on your work; use or discard them as you see fit. I hope you find them useful.*Idea*


*Flower4*... that is where we were sitting” Abhay pointed...
There should be a punctuation mark before the closing quotation mark - either a period or a comma.

*Flower4*... and end with vows to keep the bond of friendship across time and distances.
This is the final part of a very long sentence with a lot of detail. I feel this should be a separate sentence, and that "end" should be "ending" to suit the tense with which the first part of the sentence has employed.

*Flower4*These were the same students
I believe the highlighted word should change to "are" - again, this edit works better with the present tense which you have used earlier. I've always found writing in these different tenses very challenging!

*Flower4*Suraj looked up with slightly moist eyes “Could not have been better sir” giving a weak smile he looked down at his lap and continued “Was just recalling the first day I had come to the college, I was so scared,so confused and unsure about everything, the course, the college my future everything,“
This is also a long sentence with a lot of detail and insight into Suraj's character. I think the lack of punctuation in the underlined areas needs to be addressed, because it will correct the wordiness. You need to use a period at the end of this sentence, and not a comma.

*Flower4*Sunil looked at him surprised to it from a student who had appeared so focussed...
The word "hear" needs to be added between "to" and "it".

*Flower4*This constant pressure is one of the reasons why statistics suggest that one student commits suicide every hour in the country, an alarming and a worrying number for sure.
I am horrified at this statistic - it's so sad to read this.

*Flower4*... the universities and faculties to modify their curriculum
The word "need" should be inserted between the underlined words.

*Flower4*Around 8 lakh students...
Just a suggestion - when writing numbers those from zero to twenty are ususall written as words. Numbers above twenty can be written as numbers, although some of us write "thirty", "fifty" and "ninety" instead of "30", "50" and "90".

*Flower4*... its universities have to rise up to.
Try to avoid ending a sentence with a preposition like "to" *Right*... its universities have to meet.

*Flower4*by a a young guy who seemed like his son.

Good luck in this round!

Reviewed sheep

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Review by Sarah
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Greetings, brom21

I am reviewing your story "The Risen Uniter. as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest. Thanks for entering!


I think the legend of Excalibur, King Arthur and the Round Table is one of the greatest ever. I believe you have the same interest I do, because I can see in your story your have done your homework.

Your story is great to read, and certainly very topical considering the world is living in such turmoil right now. I think we need Excalibur now more than ever before, and who knows? perhaps he will make an appearance and reunite our world.

A couple of observations:

*BurstBL* ... on for generations still-maybe forever.”
Punctuation {e;right} there should be a space on either side of the hyphen.

*BurstBL* “I give you-Excaliber!”
Puncatuation *Right* again, a space should be left on either side of the hyphen.
Spelling *Right* Excalibur.

*BurstBL*A strange force wept over his mind
Typo *Right* I think "wept" should be "swept".

*BurstBL*Cronus pulled out Excalibur that shone with the luster of burnished silver.
Losing the highlighted word can make a sentence far more descriptive. Also, Excalibur is far too famous and important to be referred to as "that"... editing suggestion *Right* Cronus pulled out Excalibur. The sword shone with the luster of burnished silver.

*BurstBL*So I ask you-what has it accomplished...
Typo *Right* space required on either side of the hyphen.

*BurstBL*“It’s the most beautiful and wondrous things
Typo *Right* thing.

*BurstBL*We will allow the kingdoms to intermarry and bare sons and daughters
Spelling *Right* bear.


Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Reviewed sheep

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Review of Rise Up  
Review by Sarah
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Greetings, Elle

I am reviewing your story "Rise Up as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest. Thanks for entering!


Your story held my attention all the way through. I have to say I am perhaps a bit wordy when I write to a prompt with a limited word count, and I am so impressed at how much emotion and feeling your story managed to convey without using the allocated word count. It is economical writing - short, sharp and to the point. It's great!

This piece is well constructed, with great grammar and punctuation and excellent punctuation. I love the short paragraphs, because I want to know more and this holds my attention.

One small suggestion: the word "that" is often not necessary, and when edited out of a story or sentence can improved readability. I'm not saying this is an error on your part, because this sentence flows just as well as the rest of the story! I just figured it's a point you might be interested in for future writing *Right* I drew on a pair of jeans that were so tight they redefined the term 'skinny jeans'.


Good luck in the contest!

Reviewed sheep

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Review of Rise Up  
Review by Sarah
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Greetings, PureSciFi - And the Oscar goes

I am reviewing your story "Rise Up as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest. Thanks for entering!


This is an interesting story, especially for fans of the science fiction genre. You have created some interesting characters and world/s. I personally would want to know a bit more about those people, where they came from and why they are travelling. Perhaps the restricted word count in the competition does not allow for this information to be included... I would suggest perhaps cutting down on the number of characters to give you the option to expand details and descriptions that are important in a story in a fantasy or science fiction setting.

I want to suggest that now the competition judging is over perhaps take a look at this story and consider expanding it. Fantasy is not an easy genre to translate for your readers, and you've done a pretty good job thus far. I love the way the aliens' physical descriptions are worked into their actions - you create a good picture of them for your readers!

*FlowerT* It even spun sideways in both directions once per side.
As a reader I found it a bit difficult to imagine just what the spacecraft was doing, so perhaps a bit of editing would make this description a bit clearer.

*FlowerT* But it continues its journey through Space.
This sentence reflects present tense, yet up to this point the story is written in the past tense *Right* the highlighted word should be "continued".

*FlowerT* ... a large Viewing Monitor.
Capitalisation of these words is not necessary, as the viewing monitor is not its proper name.

*FlowerT* ... I got Stacce Protected
Again, "protected" is not a proper name so it should not be capitalised. "Stacce" is a proper name.

*FlowerT* About a mile or so it stopped I started digging...
Up to this point the story is written in the third person, and the use of "I" bring it into the first person narrative. This sentence should be edited back into the third person to ensure continuity.


Reviewed sheep

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Review by Sarah
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Greetings, Azrael Tseng

I am reviewing your story "Growing A Pearl In A Bay Of Oysters as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest. Thanks for entering!


I am immediately attracted to your story by the title - it's unusual and makes me want to read more. The characters are all believable, and your dialogue is very effectively applied, helping the reader understand and build on each character.

*FlowerT* ... and your favorite PBJ sandwich…
I think "PBJ" is peanut butter and jam... consider perhaps working an explanation of this into the story somewhere; maybe when you eat it? Describe how nice peanut butter and jam is, and how much it reminds you of your childhood...

*FlowerT* ... but it could be that dark, blooming floral print dress that practically swallows her...
The dual use of "that" could be considered repetitive, so I suggest a slight edit to eliminate one or both instances of the word *Right* ... but it could be the dark, blooming floral print dress that practically swallows her...

I find sentences where the word "that" is not used can read and flow better without it, although that is simply a personal choice. Here's another suggestion *Right* ... but it could be the dark, blooming floral print dress practically swallowing her...


Overall, this is a great read, and a clever application of the prompt. The spelling and grammar is excellent, and the characters are all very real. It also brought back memories of my own childhood sweetheart, despite being set in a country very far removed from mine.


Reviewed sheep

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Review by Sarah
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Greetings, svd413

I am reviewing your story "Reba Found This on Her Finger as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest. Thanks for entering!



An excellent title which drew me into the story immediately. So much happens to the two main characters, but at no time does the story feel rushed. The even pace is helped by good spelling and grammar and excellent dialogue. You've taken a topical issue, and turned it into a great story. I love stories when the good guys win, and Royce deserves his happiness with his Reba.

A couple of observations:

She tried to take it in stride. {\b} I think the word "her" should be added before "stride".

The dialogue around the above sentence should be edited so a new line is started each time a different character speaks - much like how you have written the remaining dialogue in your story.

Good luck in the contest!

Reviewed sheep

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Review of We'll Rise Up  
Review by Sarah
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Greetings, Winnie Kay

I am reviewing your story "We'll Rise Up as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest. Thanks for entering!


Your story immediately resonated with me because I am from Zimbabwe in Southern Africa. The slave trade is something all of us - white and black Africans - know all too well. It is a sad piece of history, and regrettably it gets a lot of mileage from the appalling politicians running our continent. Sadly, they only bring up slavery to make themselves look good... only the descendants of the slaves, the families they worked for and the slavers have a real idea of the reality of one of humanity's worst crimes.

This well written story is a somber reminder of how slaves suffered under cruel and uncaring masters. All the character are very believable, especially Tumai. The anger the young girl feels at the way her father is treated is absolutely justified, as are her feelings of inadequacy, helplessness and rage. This is a great use of of the prompt.

*BurstBL*... as if admiring his handy-work
Spelling *Right* handywork



Reviewed sheep

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Review of Getting Through  
Review by Sarah
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Connieann is missing Mopsy

I read your "Getting Through as part of my participation with "House Targaryen in the "Game of Thrones event this month.

This is perfectly written, and I can feel how apprehensive it is to be faced with a bunch of meat eaters once you have decided to take the meatless route. My sister went vegetarian some years ago, and that's as difficult here in southern Africa as it seems to be in the USA. We Africans - black and white - are terribly carnivorous *Sad*, and I have to confess my love for biltong (you guys call it jerky) has been a major stepping stone to me turning vegetarian. I'm an animal lover, so it should make sense that I refuse to eat meat...

I loved your closing sentence, because I agree that you pet bunny admires and respects your decision. I think perhaps making the choice to give up meat is something you have to want to do. And I don't think it is easy, so you have my respect!

Your piece flows well, and is a pleasure to read, with good grammar, excellent spelling and punctuation. Thank you for sharing these thoughts with us.




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Review of The Spirit Land  
Review by Sarah
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello David McClain

I read your "The Spirit Land as part of my participation with "House Targaryen in the "Game of Thrones event this month.

*Dragon2* General Impressions *Dragon2*


It is always a pleasure to read your work, my friend. I had not realised I'd not read this story before, so it was a delight to find it in your portfolio.

This story is so relevant to what is happening in our world today. Slaughter of our wildlife and destruction of our natural world on an ever-escalating scale. And I know this makes you feel as helpless as I feel. There is just so much hatred and negativity in our world right now.

I confess I shed a bit of a tear reading the last part of your story. I hope and pray this kind of thing does not happen often. I know it can happen here in Africa; one many will kill another for some small "infringement". And all too often the death was unnecessary, and could be resolved by a kind word or action.

I feel we have so much to learn from ancient cultures and ancient people like the Shaman. A friend recently told me one of the problems in our world today is that we have turned away from spirituality. I agree with him, and I reckon you would too.

*Dragon2* Some Things to Think About *Dragon2*


*Dragon* Out of the parting fog He trotted out of the parting fog
Typo *Right* delete the phrase at the beginning of this sentence.

*Dragon* “Look closer,” the Wolf replied.
*Dragon* “We all have a Time,” the Wolf continued
"Wolf" does not need to be capitalised here because it is not being used as a proper name.

*Dragon2* Some Closing Comments *Dragon2*


I love the way he finally finds his peace with his companion in the spirit world. I imagine the two of them sitting next to a campfire, under the stars and a crescent moon, discussing life and the things they have seen and done.


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Review by Sarah
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello Jim says Happy Valentines Day!

I read your "Santa Found Dead in North Pole Workshop as part of my participation with "House Targaryen in the "Game of Thrones event this month.

Absolutely wonderful! I giggled the whole way through reading this story. I know, it's perhaps not good to laugh at Santa's untimely demise... but we all need a laugh every now and again. And this was so unexpected!

I've been reviewing quite a lot of your work this month, and I can honestly say you are becoming one of my favourite authors on WDC. This wonderful piece is written as a newspaper report, and while there's a "tabloidish" approach to the story - the name of the hotel where Rebecca is staying... the "ay carumba" utered by Mr Dumshitz (hilarious name, by the way)... the Oedipus syndrome reference... all this combine to make a classy, humourous and not at all offensive story!

I'm not sure if you have ever seen the film "Fred Clause", which is about Santa's lesser known brother. It stars Vince Vaughan and Rachel Weisz, and your story reminded me of the film. It a really fun movie to watch, and I think it might appeal to your sense of humour.

I see that this story won first place in the competition for which it was written - and deservedly so. I will be reading this closer to Christmas time this year. The thought and idea of Santa nicking the spiked egg nog and the lipstick of his collar made me smile. Despite all the comedy contained in the story never once is the character made to look like an idiot or a simple fool. His image as a precious part of one of the Christian world's most celebrated festivals remains intact - and that's exactly how it should be!

Finally, I have to ask if you have ever been a journalist? Because this is a great piece of journalistic writing. Thank you for making me smile this Sunday evening!




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Review of The Silver Leaf  
Review by Sarah
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Tiki Tobi

I read your "The Silver Leaf as part of my participation with "House Targaryen in the "Game of Thrones event this month.

*Dragon2* General Impressions *Dragon2*


I love fantasy/mythology, so your story really appealed to me. I also love trees - here in Africa we have a baobab tree, and people have used them as waiting rooms. This is a very quaint story; it flows well and offers the reader some excellent imagery. Your spelling, punctuation and grammar helps add to the enjoyment of reading this story.

*Dragon2* Some Things to Think About *Dragon2*


*Dragon* ... there was a tree with silver leaves
The highlighted word appears five times in the first paragraph. I find this to be a bit repetitive, and while it may be difficult to edit out some of the instances where this word appears I feel perhaps adding a couple of sentences without "leaves" would help break the element of repetition.

*Dragon* ... in the former trees' earth...
Punctuation *Right* tree's - the tree is singular, not plural.

*Dragon* His helpers brought him to the tree, one last time.
The highlighted phrase appears in the previous line, and for me this is repetitive. You could avoid this by a bit of editing; suggestion *Right* His helpers granted him his final wish, and brought him to the tree.

*Dragon2* A Few Things You Might Want to Work On *Dragon2*


I think this is a story that lends itself to being much longer. I encourage you to look at developing this, perhaps into a children's book? There's a lot of scope available, because they build the tree home over three years - a lot can happen to the people during the time they are caring for the tree as they convert it. And then there's the possibilities of what can happen after he finds the silver leaf!

Thank you for sharing this story with us.


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Review of Jesse  
Review by Sarah
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello iKïyå§ama

I read your "Jesse as part of my participation with "House Targaryen in the "Game of Thrones event this month.

*Dragon2* General Impressions *Dragon2*


As I read your story I fell the horror of what happened to Jesse crawling all over me. I've heard about "lynching", but was not really sure exactly what it entailed. It is truly sickening to read that this kind of thing ever happened, and is perhaps still happening today. We just don't hear about it. That Jesse's lynching happened just 100 years ago is truly appalling.

I've not heard of Jesse before, but thanks to your story I am now aware of the mob justice carried out. After reading the information and seeing the photographs on the link your shared in the story I went to Wikipedia... I am still numb at reading what they did to him before he died.

You are aware that I live in Zimbabwe, and we are now teetering of a precipice and we don't know what is going to happen. This week our "leader", Robert Mugabe, announced that no man who killed a white farmer during the farm invasions some 15 years ago will ever stand trial for his crime. One of our friends was beaten, tortured and executed by some farm invaders, who then drank his blood. This was done in front of his farm workers and several neighbouring farmers, who were also being beaten by Mugabe's mob.

I feel you have written the story from the point of view of one of the town's residents. It brings to mind Friedrich Niemöller's poem "First They Came..." and I have to say I really do hope the world starts standing up for what is right rather than turning a blind eye. Especially now - we are living in rather uncertain times...

Do we ever learn from history?

A fine piece of writing as always... thank you for sharing this piece of history with us.


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Review by Sarah
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Dr M C Gupta

I read your "THE CYCLE OF LIFE: haikus--award winner as part of my participation with "House Targaryen in the "Game of Thrones event this month.

I'm the first to admit poetry is not my forte. I love to read it, but I'm not very good at it. today I have reviewed a number of fine poems, including a couple of acrostics. Your haiku is the first of its kind I've looked at in a while. I am well aware of your writing from our participation in our team for "Project Write World". I've not read your poetry before, and I am so glad I found this one.

I find haikus interesting, and I respect poets who are able to take their rather "restrictive" element and turn them into poems. The three haiku verses comprising your poem flow perfectly, telling the story of relationships in an economical and yet lyrical manner. The meeting of two people who make the bond to spend their lives together in the first verse leads naturally to the creation of a family in the second. Both verses flow seamlessly and effortlessly into each other.

My favourite verse is the last one - it presents a slight, wry humour without losing the reality of poignancy that is part of life and relationships. It also flows beautifully and - for me anyway - sadly from the hope in the first two verses. But that is life... birth and death are part of life. Just like taxes, I suppose!

My only suggestion is to perhaps centre your poem on the page - not that this will make any difference to either your poem or my rating, but I just feel this gives your words more impact with your readers. It also tells me that you are a confident poet, and you want to share your work to its best advantage.

Thank you for sharing your fine words with us.



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Review by Sarah
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello tukkunolam

I read your "Lift Your Blinds... as part of my participation with "House Targaryen in the "Game of Thrones event this month.

*Dragon2* General Impressions *Dragon2*


I am absolutely blown away by the fact that you first wrote this in 2008... almost ten years later this is probably more relevant today than when you first wrote it.

I live in a country that was once isolated for its attitude towards the majority population. Only two countries have ever declared independence from Britain - the USA and Rhodesia. I was born in Rhodesia in 1965, the year it declared itself independent from Britain. We were raised to be respectful of everyone, regards of their colour or creed. Today I live in Zimbabwe, the country that was born from the ashes of Rhodesia in 1980. Sadly I now find myself threatened and treated like a second class citizen by my own government thanks to the dictator who has run Zimbabwe for the last 37 years.

But I digress. Your poem flows well, and is so relevant to the world today I find myself wondering when it is all going to end. The image you chose to illustrate this poem is heartbreaking, but so accurate. When you are taught to be a racist from a young age that trait is very difficult to escape. Seeing that picture really emphasises the point you make with this poem.

*Dragon2* Some Things to Think About *Dragon2*


*Dragon* It sickens and does so appall!
I personally do not feel this word works here. It interrupted my flow of reading, and that's not something you ever want a reader to do because there is a chance he or she will not finish reading your poem. I'm no poet, but I would suggest perhaps finding another word that maintains the smooth flow of the rest of your poem.

*Dragon* Consider boldening or underlining the title of your poem so it stands apart from the actual verses and line of the poem.


Thank you for sharing these prophetic words with us.


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Review of Friendship is  
Review by Sarah
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Dragon- CNY open 4 donations!

I read your "Friendship is as part of my participation with "House Targaryen in the "Game of Thrones event this month.

*Dragon2* General Impressions *Dragon2*


Friendship is a very important part of life. I have to say I love the way you mention online friends being the same as real life friends - I have writers on this site I've known for more than ten years, and they are all very dear and special friends of mine. We may never have met in person, but we do support one another and interact on social media.

I don't think friendship is an easy thing to describe. I have close friends, friends from childhood, friends I have met during my years in the diaspora and online friends. All of them are important people in my life, and I doubt I could ever describe friendship in a poem. I really admire the way you have done that here.

*Dragon2* Some Things to Think About *Dragon2*


*Dragon* Friendship is a lifetime.
This is a great opening line, but I feel the next three lines in your first verse are too similar to this line. There's a repetition of the strangers/friends reference, especially in the last two lines. Perhaps look at removing these references and instead focus on cementing friendships, building friendships, supporting friends... the most important parts of friendship.

*Dragon* For 10 days or 10 years
generally, the rule in writing is anything under ten or (sometimes twenty) is written as a word, while numbers above 21 (35, 81, 92 etc} are written numerically.

*Dragon2* A Few Things You Might Want to Work On *Dragon2*


There is a lot of repetition in this poem. Generalising friendship is never easy, but perhaps you could focus on why the support of friends is so easy. Have you got a couple of friends who know everything about you? Perhaps they supported you and listened to you in times of trouble, or when your heart was broken? If you lost someone close to you, how did your friends help you through that difficult time? I truly think making this poem more specific and less general will take it to a whole new level. This is a great start, and poetry is often the most intimate and personal form of writing. This poem is the perfect place to celebrate what your friends have done for you.


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Review of Thinking is Bad  
Review by Sarah
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Naveed

I read your "Thinking is Bad as part of my participation with "House Targaryen in the "Game of Thrones event this month.

*Dragon2* General Impressions *Dragon2*


Your poem resonates with me in such a sad way. That's not bad, because it means you have made a connection with your reader and that is always a sign of good writing. It is so sad how many people give up their dreams to follow the path society deems fit for them. One has to wonder how many writers, artists, poets etc have been lost to the world of corporate greed.

*Dragon2* Some Things to Think About *Dragon2*


*Dragon* and "thinking is bad", their theory.
To emphasise the explanation that this is "their theory" consider changing your punctuation here from a comma to a colon, semi colon or even a hyphen.

*Dragon* and the nipper has greatness sworn.
I personally feel this word detracts from the message in your poem - "nipper" is almost a slang word, and for me it does not suit the rest of your writing *Right* youngling, youngster, young one... one of those might work.

*Dragon* the shark was corrupted by the seafloor lot.
I feel a bit of editing will help this line flow as well as the previous lines - for me it just stands out, and the imagery and illusion it creates is fantastic. This is just a suggestion *Right* the shark was corrupted while on the seafloor.

*Dragon2* Some Closing Comments *Dragon2*


I enjoyed the flow of your poem. You make some very thought-provoking points, which are enhanced by your tempo and excellent rhyming. One final comment - consider centering this fine poem on the page, because that shows your reader you have a confidence in both your poem and the important message of reality it conveys.

Thank you for sharing your writing with us.


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Review of Greed  
Review by Sarah
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Chris Breva- Marshall Graduate

I read your "Greed as part of my participation with "House Targaryen in the "Game of Thrones event this month.

*Dragon2* General Impressions *Dragon2*


Acrostic poetry has always interested me, and I've tried it once or twice, but I'm not a very good poet, so my efforts have not always been great. The presentation of this poem is excellent! It is well laid out, with the first letters well highlighted. Each line relates perfectly to the three word phrase you have used to write the poem.

I've been reading a lot of poetry today, and virtually every single one in the poetry/opinion genre has been thought-provoking and interesting. This one is no different. Reading it, especially with all the awful things now happening in our world, makes me feel dreadfully sad. How I wish our leaders and the "powers that be" could get together and fix us and our planet. But I fear they are all too self-involved to bother about the future and the legacy we are leaving our children.

*Dragon2* Some Things to Think About *Dragon2*


*Dragon* Really, why does it have to be
Punctuation *Right* I feel that placing a question mark at the end of this line will help emphasise what you are trying to tell us. This is purely a suggestion - you don't have to do if you don't want to. Poetry is a very personal form of writing, and the lack of punctuation at the end of this line does not detract from the general message you convey.

*Dragon2* Some Closing Comments *Dragon2*


While you haven't observed a strict tempo in this poem, that does not detract from the message. Your rhyming is excellent, and that's not something easy to do when writing an acrostic poem.

Thank you for sharing this message with us.


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Review of God  
Review by Sarah
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello PoojaShah

I read your "God as part of my participation with "House Targaryen in the "Game of Thrones event this month.

*Dragon2* General Impressions *Dragon2*


Religion and faith... a powerful subject, and one that will always raise controversy. Just like politics! I find it incredibly hard to write about my beliefs in a way that puts across my opinions without upsetting the other side. It's not easy, because I have friends who have left and right wing beliefs, as well as friend who have faith and other who are not religious at all.

I found your poem very interesting. When I first read it I thought perhaps you were discussing the Bibles Old Testament God - the One who breaths fire and brimstone, promising eternal retribution for those who choose not to follow his path, ignoring the Ten Commandments etc. And up to your last two lines I had faith this is the God you were discussing. My own faith is sorely tested at times, because we seem to be living in an increasingly evil world. I keep reminding myself about "Free Will", whereby God gives us the choices to make. Then I remember that WE are the ones ruining our planet, not God.

*Dragon2* Some Things to Think About *Dragon2*


*Dragon* Makes life a living hell/In cruelty he excels.
I don't want to believe our God is cruel. It is humans that are cruel. We know full well how we should behave and how to treat each other. But we choose not to do so. There is eternal retribution for those who choose not to live a good life, but nobody forces us to do this! We are responsible for ourselves... and I feel that changing these two lines to reflect that will make your poem far more powerful.

*Dragon2* Some Closing Comments *Dragon2*


Never before in our world's history has the need to care for each other and our world been more important than right now. Your poem indicates this, up to those last two lines. I believe your message could be far more powerful directed at humanity rather than God.

Thank you for sharing your poem with us.


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Review by Sarah
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello Harry

I read your "Human Potential for Empathy as part of my participation with "House Targaryen in the "Game of Thrones event this month.

I've been doing a lot of research about empaths lately, so your poem's title immediately caught my attention. I think these days we tend to associate empaths with narcissists, so it's nice to read a broader application of the word "empathy".

I absolutely love your last verse, because I agree with your that the three people you name did so much draw attention to unfair practices. Not only to the injustices visited upon Native Americans, but also to the civil rights movements. Not just in the USA - all over the world. How sad that these three people, who did so much to raise awareness of selfish, unfair and self-serving activities should have died at the hands of assassins. While I have never been one to follow conspiracy theories as I get older I find myself wondering if indeed there is a "New World Order" that has been in control for hundred of years.

Perhaps because I live in a country where the white minority is now targetted by our own government I can relate to much of what your poem states. I grew up in Rhodesia, and was 15 years old when the country become Zimbabwe, a majority-ruled country under the "guidance" of Robert Mugabe. That man is still in power today, and in 37 years has destroyed one of Africa's best economies. It feels strange to be part of a persecuted race, but perhaps that is now why I can relate to everything your poem touches upon.

While you don't apply rhyming, your verses are beautifully constructed, with every line flowing perfectly into the next, and every verse continuing precisely from its predecessor. Your poem is a sad reminder that the more things change the more they stay the same... when one considers the state of the world today it seems the Second War War didn't teach us anything!

*Dragon* conditions more appropriate for some/third-world nation than for America.
I'm not sure this is the correct word here, because I live in a third world country and I can assure you NOBODY deserves to live the way people do in our oldest "township" - raw sewage running down the streets, no refuse collection, starving animals and children everywhere. Poetry is a very personal form of writing, and it is hard to suggest another word to replace "appropriate"... visible... expected?

Thank you for sharing your words with us. And thank you for giving me something to think about!

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Review of At three  
Review by Sarah
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Kåre Enga, P.O. 22, Blogville }

I read your "At three as part of my participation with "House Targaryen in the "Game of Thrones event this month.

*Dragon2* General Impressions *Dragon2*


It's been a while since I reviewed your poetry, and having found this poem I'm remembering how much I have always enjoyed your writing. I chose this poem because I've been feeling a bit melancholy today... yearning for the days of my youth when life was so much easier and less filled with sadness at events over which I have no control.

The details in the first and third verses remind me so much of my own childhood - playing outside with my brother and sister, in the mud or sand while the sun lightened our hair and darkened our skin.s. Our dogs and other pets were our playmates, and indeed throughout adulthood and into middle age our love of animals has never waivered.

Playing with blocks of wood... or playing with toy cars and those tiny plastic farm animals... we used to use my brother's little trolley as a wagon for our corgi dogs - thank goodness they were small dogs.

I love this poem because recently I have been yearning for a simpler life... remembering days when people didn't deliberately drive cars into people wanting to kill them, or hacking animals' faces off while they are still alive to feed an outrageous belief about animal parts being aphrodisiacs. This poem reminds me that a child's life can be beautiful and uncomplicated. And I treasure those memories.

*Dragon2* Some Closing Comments *Dragon2*


What I love about your poetry is the way you are able to create beautiful images and thoughts for your readers. While this poem does not follow a strict tempo or rhyming standard, the lines are so perfectly constructed the verses flow smoothly and beautifully. It is a pleasure to read.


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Review by Sarah
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Joan Summers

I read your "Dear Donald Trump, as part of my participation with "House Targaryen in the "Game of Thrones event this month.

*Dragon2* General Impressions *Dragon2*


I don't think your country - or any country - has ever had a president like Donald Trump. Right now, with the world standing on the precipice of a potential nuclear war, I think everyone is on tenterhooks. So perhaps my choice of this letter to review was timeous.

I live halfway across the world from you, in a country ruined by a man your president equates to the leader of North Korea. We Zimbabweans don't have much time for North Korea - that country trained Robert Mugabe's army in the early 1980s, prior to a tirbal genocide called "Gukurahundi", which saw more than 20,000 Matabele people killed in the most terrible manner...

Now you see how your writing has made me think? You have established a connection with your reader, and that's always a sign of good writing. Your letter is heartfelt, clear and concise, and representative of what many American and people living in our world currently feel.

*Dragon2* Some Things to Think About *Dragon2*


*Dragon* Consider leaving a full line between paragraphs. There's nothing wrong with simply starting a new line for a new paragraph, but when reading off a computer screen I know I personally find a clear space between lines makes for easier reading. probably because the screen is so much bigger than the page on a book.

*Dragon* Families are not started now a days until much later
"nowadays" is one word.

*Dragon*... before brining a kid into this world.
Spelling *Right* bringing

*Dragon*... he dose so because of a passionate hatred...
Spelling *Right* does

*Dragon* I would like to begin with the 16 women...
When writing numbers the general rule is those between one and ten (sometimes one and twenty, which is the rule I follow) are written as words, while those higher than 21 are written in numeric format.

*Dragon2* Some Closing Comments *Dragon2*


Your writing flows well, and is easy to read. Your grammar and punctuation helps the reader understand the points you put across in this letter. You make some very valid points which really resonate with me. I am a "moderate" conservative, so I agree with the points you raise here and the questions you ask.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and opinions with us.


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Review by Sarah
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Chris Breva- Marshall Graduate

I read your "Asking for Disaster as part of my participation with "House Targaryen in the "Game of Thrones event this month.

"The Writer's Cramp is 18! is one of the best places on WDC to get those writing juices flowing. You certainly had a few interesting prompts to include in this story, and you handled it very well. Your spelling, grammar and punctuation is excellent. You also highlight an issue that is relevant all over the world right now. Smart phones have certainly made our lives easier, but they have also made us human beings a more careless and - I have to say - inconsiderate of what damage they can cause. Not only to ourselves but also to those around us.

I personally always find it very difficult to keep under a stipulated word count when it comes to writing. Somehow I always want to say more than the allowed one thousand words, which many mean I suffer from verbosity! I would have like to read a little more in this story, especially as you have around four hundred words left to use from the allotted 1,000 word count. Perhaps the most interesting paragraph from the newspaper article would be great, especially to highlight the dangers of using a phone while driving. I feel this would be great because WDC has members from all over the world, and as I mentioned earlier everyone can relate to this issue.

Another idea - how about a paragraph to let us know what happened after his passenger sued the company? Perhaps he was banned from driving for a period of time... or lost his job... or perhaps was banned from owning a smart phone for a few years? The last suggestion is one you could have a little fun with, especially if the driver is addicted to his cell phone!

Thank you for sharing your words with us! I hope you are enjoying the "Game of Thrones as much as I am.


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