The Parenthood Questionnaire

1. The first day of school:

It's the first day of school. You have successfully finished potty training and now you are dropping your kid off for the first time. How does that go?

	You stuffed your child's pockets full of tissue with the reminder not to pick their nose. You then hug them tight and send them off.
	You are a mess. Your child is patting you on the back saying, "It's okay, I'll only be gone a few hours." They hand you a tissue and walk off to the classroom.
	Your kid woke themselves up,picked out the cutest superman costume, made their lunch (cheerios and peanut butter sandwich with sugar), and walked to school.
	You didn't have enough time to get dressed, so you walk into the class room wearing a robe and enthusiastically introduce yourself to every kid in the classroom.
	You spent all morning crying, but then you washed your face and packed your kid the most awesome lunch ever. After taking dozens of pictures you hug them tight and send them off with a smile.
	The morning was spent going over disaster plans. Kid gives you a noogie? Punch him in the gut. Kid calls you smelly? Kick him in the shin. Best parent ever? Check.

2. Career Day:

It's career day at school. Your child came home excited about all the job opportunities out there. Which career do you tell them to seek?

	Jobs are for the weak minded! You teach your child how to live off the land and ship them off to Alaska to learn about big game hunting.
	You tell your child to go to college and find themselves. Whichever career path they take from there you will support.
	Your baby isn't getting a job, or growing up, and they definitely aren't moving out of the house!
	You tell your child that they can get whatever job they want, as long as they move out of the house by the age of 18.

3. The baby's crying...:

It's the wee hours of the morning. You hear crying from the crib- the type of blood curdling screams that babies are so good at. Without fear of being judged for your imaginary actions, what would you do?

	Pretend to be asleep and "accidentally" kick your partner to wake them up.
	Glare at your partner because you know THEY are faking being asleep and then firmly shut your eyes and fake snore.
	What kind of monster would ignore their child? You were already up anticipating the baby's cry and now you lovingly care for your progeny.
	What crib? The baby sleeps with you and is already helping herself to her mother's milk.
	Like a vulture you were already watching your baby sleep (which is not at all creepy) and swoop down the second the baby started to stir
	You may stumble a little bit on the way to the crib- kind of like a drunken sailor- but you care for your baby and even manage not to drop the baby even if you do fall back asleep
	You have trained the family dog to bring the baby a bottle just for situations like this one.

4. Mommy Daddy time...:

Cue the romantic music....the baby is asleep (Finally!) What are you doing?

	The bedroom door is firmly shut and locked. Music is playing and the bed is rocking.
	The baby is sleeping with one foot in your ribs (just like old times) and one fist in your partner's eye...you are both staring at the ceiling afraid to waken the monster ehem baby.
	You are passed out, enjoying the deep sleep of an over tired parent.
	This is your favorite time of day. The kid's asleep and now the video games come out! "Die Ogres! Die!"
	Your baby has quickly developed into a nocturnal howler monkey. They are swinging from the ceiling as you chug coffee to keep awake.
	What's mommy, daddy time?

5. Sometimes kids make you so mad!:

You come home after a late night at work. Instead of doing homework like a responsible teenager would, your teen is making out with someone on the couch. What do you do?

	Grab him by the ear and walk him up to his room.
	Smile with pride at your teen. You taught him everything he knows about picking up chicks.
	Pick the boy up off your daughter and throw his ugly butt outside. If he's not gone in 3 seconds, you are getting your gun.
	Tell the kids that if they don't break it up, that you are going to start making out with your partner in front of them.
	Quickly walk back outside and pretend you didn't see anything. Keep repeating: 'this isn't happening' until you feel better.
	Tell your kid they don't have time to be making out. They have a Evil Genius class in half an hour.

6. Teenage drivers...:

Your teen just turned 16. What do you do?

	Your teen is enrolled in a driving class and the professionals will handle teaching him. After he's proven himself you will buy him a car.
	You bought a shiny new car for your teen as soon as they turned 16.
	You are teaching your teen how to drive and after they get their licence you will give your old car to them.
	You taught your teen how to hot wire your neighbor's car. Watch out world! Your teen is officially a driver.
	Not much to do. You let your kid do their own thing.

7. Mommy Daddy time...:

Stress levels are a little high, you find yourself speaking fluent baby talk to your partner, and last night you burst into tears because the spaghetti was too lumpy. You decide to take a break from parenting and just be two people in love- what do you do?

	Your baby doesn't stress you out, your partner does. You kick your partner out of the house and enjoy some quality baby time.
	You leave your baby with a trusted friend and go out for a nice dinner. Wait just a sec, you are just going to call once to make sure everything is okay...
	You party it up like you were teenagers. Your memories of the night are a little hazy but from the hangover you are experiencing- you suspect it was fun.
	It was a typical date. Small cruise to Mexico, vaca in California, dinner and a movie. The grandparents are displeased, but they will understand that it's an honor to watch their grand baby.
	The baby wouldn't let you leave. You spent the night sulking and crying about the spaghetti again.
	You spent the night having dinner and a movie. It was wonderful. Now it's time to pick up your darling baby and go home.

8. Fill in the blank...:

Your child comes up to you with a bright smile on their face and offers you a spider. A big, hairy, disgusting spider that looks like it could eat you. You look at your child and say:___________

	"Put that down! It's dangerous!"
	"Oh honey, that looks like tarantula. It's amazing you found one in the wild. Lets put it in a shoe box. Careful of any hairs that might shoot out at you."
	"Give me the spider and then call 911. Mommy's having a heart attack. I love you, sweetie..."
	(nothing because you fainted)
	"Oh that's so cool! Lets find your sister and put it down her shirt!"

9. The first day of school:

You successfully sent your kid off to school. There might have been some tears, a little blubbering, but now you are kid free! What do you do?

	PARTY! All the parents are going to meet at your place. There will be wine, and wine, and wine.
	You spend the day peeking in windows at the school until the cops get called. You are now making an "I love you" for your child from the police office.
	You slept in, your kid isn't home so they must have made it to school. You go back to sleep and dream about butterflies.
	You spend a little bit of time cleaning the house, reading a book, maybe write a little on writing.com, and then you start cooking your child's favorite dinner.
	You go to work for the first time in years feeling refreshed and proud of yourself.

10. The baby's crying...:

You are in the store. It's been a long day. What started as a cute toddler asking in the sweetest voice for a cookie, has degenerated to screaming, stomping and kicking strangers. What do you do?

	Cheer your toddler on! They are going to be a pro wrestler one day. Body slam that lady!
	In a firm neutral voice you tell your toddler that screaming doesn't get them a cookie. Then, you pick the toddler up and walk out of the store.
	Oh dear, what can you do? You go off to corner and cry while your toddler threatens everyone in the store.
	You grab your toddler and hug it out. Safe in the loving prison of your arms, you let your toddler cry it all out and then you go about your day.
	Somewhere in the background you hear the song "murder train" by the foreskins, while you join your toddler in the tantrum. There is much destruction. You are quite proud.
	You never made it to the store, you are drinking wine on the couch while the nanny dog licks your toddler.

The Parenthood Questionnaire - an Online Quiz

Ideally after this quiz there would be shots of tequila handed out. All you get is a score