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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1093159-Career-Oppurtunities
by Marcus
Rated: 13+ · Editorial · Satire · #1093159
A hypothetical classified ad for a job as a terrorist
Help Wanted:

Urgent; young men needed immediately to fill recent vacancies. Opportunity for education and advancement based upon ability to lead while blindly following orders. Travel around the world, admiring sights of the civilization you are committed to destroy. Meet and live among interesting people whom you despise for their dissimilarity and may be forced to kill. Learn to work with other equally committed individuals to further honorable goals. Make your family proud by killing and maiming hundreds maybe thousands and if you die, be honored as a revered Martyr. Learn to despise mainstream Muslims for their weakness and timidity.

Benefits

Job security; for life or until killed.
Income; Living expenses plus little or no salary.
Health care; You're on your own.
Life Insurance; as a martyr, you will go straight to Heaven, do not pass GO.
Education; In one of our vacation camps, you will learn how to make bombs, kill other humans silently, how to use the weapons of the West against them and become pious.
Advancement; likely as confederates become incapacitated
Fame; See your name in print or mentioned on the air.(If you're alive)

Requirements

Must be Muslim (Arabs preferably).
Must be willing to relocate.
Must swear unquestioned fealty to your leader.
Must abandon your humanity, if you have it
Must be willing to tear down of destroy a millennium of human accomplishments.
Must never question the wisdom of your orders, even if it includes sacrificing your life.
Must embrace terrorism and chaos to further our nebulous agenda - the right to kill indiscriminately.
Must hate entrenched Muslim Heads of State and their infidel backers.
Must hate progress, especially of Western origin.
Must blame Western Civilization for the plight and stagnation of Islamic society.
Must hate all secular societies and proponents of such.
Must hate all pretentious non Islamic religions even if they worship the same God.
Must hate, Must hate, Must hate, Must hate, Must hate, Hate,
Hate, Hate, Hate, Hate, Hate, Hate, Hate, Hate, Hate, Hate.

Apply to Usama bin Laden c/o Al Qaeda, General Delivery Peshawar, Pakistan.
© Copyright 2006 Marcus (semismart at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1093159-Career-Oppurtunities