Spoof of scary movies. Written in 2002 about my friends
|Once upon a scary evening when the wind was battling against the old school house a group of friends sat in their asigned seats awaiting their teacher to come.
"Sucker!" bellowed Logan. He was a twenty year old male who enjoyed the sound of his voice a little too much (FYI he is the victim of this tale). James, who was sitting next to him laughed and continued to carve his name into the desk. He was the bad boy.. THe gangbanger, the in your face gangsta who was aftraid of no one but his big bad sister, Andrea. She was a gorgeous sixteen year old with long black hair and classic good looks.
"What's he bellowing about now?" Rose asked, leaning towards Naty to get her opinion. Naty was clutching a bottle of Vodka in her hands, dreaming of drinking it. You see Naty never actually drank any alcohol, she was a wannabe alcoholic.
The six friends sat at their assigned desks obediently waiting for the teacher. The crashing wind was beating against the broken window, sending the shutters into frenzy. THe moaning of the wind echoed through the deserted hallways sending a chill down the girls' backs.
"I wonder where the teacher is..." mumbled Rose. She had by this time stolen the vodka from Naty and was chugging it down. "Wo- I feel a little dizzy and my worsh ish begishing to slursh. My heash iz ... ow...gotsh to drinksh more vodshka"
Andrea and Naty just rolled their eyes and watched as Rose slumped on her desk. They debated a bit over what to do with her body, but in the end they decided to just leave her where she was. The friends continued to talk and laugh and occasionally throw spit wads at the comatose Rose. They were having a good old time until.....
THE DOOR WAS THROWN OPEN AND A BIG HAIRY, UGLY LOOKIN, NOSE PICKIN, PINK LOVIN, LITTLE CHILDREN EATEN, POLKADOT MUUMUU WEARING, BLEACH SNIFFIN OLD LADY WALKED IN.
"Hello Mrs. Killer" the friends unanimously said. The teacher nodded her head and then took roll.
"Berry, Rose...is there a Miss Berry, Rose? Berry...Rose. Rose if you're here please raise your hand. Berry...Rose. Rose are you here? Class, is there a Berry, Rose present here today?" The friends looked at one another and shrugged. Rose could fend for herself, even if she had passed out in a drunken slumber.
"okay class, no one is leaving until Rose rasies her hand. Don't thnk I don't mean it! I see you Rose! Raise your hand!" The teacher yelled at the class.
Naty and Devon wiped the spit off of ther faces (As they were sitting in the front row) and turned around to look at Rose. At this point quite a big puddle had formed around her head.
"Oh no, better get the lifeguard, Rose is drooling Mrs. Killer." Andrea said. Naty poked Rose with a stick that she always carried with her and then shrugged.
"She's not dead yet...lets wait another hour." THe friends looked around and then shrugged their consent with the plan. The teacher had by this time sat down to wait for Rose to raise her hand. She was reading a particularly spicey romance entitled: Kissy! Kissy! She was happily reading the novel when the light went out.
THe room was thrown into utter darkness.. the friendsstared about tying to figure out what to do, but it was hard what with Andrea screaming over and over again: "I don't want to die!!Please don't kill me!! NOOOO!!" James was trying to silence her when the light came back on.
Mrs. Killer was gone. Devon stood up and said, "Cool." James also stood up, dragging Andrea up with him and screamed. The chair that Mrs. Killer had been sitting on was still twirling; the book : Kissy!Kissy! was the lone occupant.
Naty stood up and yelled, "Death to schools!!!! Die you evil buggers!! Burn! Burn to the ground!!!" she stood atop her desk with her fist in the air. Noticing that everyone was staring at her in shocked silence she said, "Gee, I hope that Mrs. Killer is okay."
But Mrs. Killer was not okay. Her body was found hanging in the closet with a knife stuck in her back. THe person who had found her had been James. He had pushed past her dead body (not even seeing it) to ruffle through the closet in search of the gun that Mrs. Killer always threatened him with.
He felt something bumping softly against his back and was in the process of knocking it away when Devon said, " I believe we have found the victim, Mrs. Killer." At this point James screamed, recognizing that he had been touching adead person. Andrea was in mid screamwhen she fainted, dramatically hitting the floor with a thud. James' screams continued until Logan ran up to him and slapped him hard in the face saying "Get a grip sucker!"
Naty was sitting at her desk serenely clasping her hands and soflty humming. When no one was looking, they had all been surrounding Andrea, she bent and slipped a bloody knife in her back pack. Devon was meanwhile looking around the room searching for a clue. His eyes rested on Naty for a minute, but then he turned his attention over to Rose. SHe was beginning to stir from her drunken sleep.
Holding her head in her hands she took in the scene. She carefully noticed the dead form of their teacher, the faintd Andrea, and the silent Naty.
"Okay guys...something weird is definitely going on here. Which one of you threw the spit wads on my face?!" She demanded, still holding her head, " and someone get me some coffee! Either that or Vodka!" The others just ignored her drunken ramblings and continued to try to bring some normalcy back to the school room.
Devon was silently puffing on his pipe as he listened to Logan's bellowing about how there must be a blood sucking vampire on the loose who was targeting big hairy, ugly lookin nose pickin, little children eatin, polkadot muumuu wearin , bleach sniffin old ladies.
James had started screaming again at this most recent bellow from Logan, his high pitched screams echoing thorugh out the school. Naty had started to smile a wickedly sadistic smile at her seat as she looked about the room. Once agian she bent to pick up her backpac, this time rummaging through it until she found what she was looking for.
Rose was looking at Naty, and instinctively knowing that something was up, she sought to divert attention from her. Standing up she started yelling while pointing at Logan, " HE DID IT! HE DID IT! LOGAN KILLED MRS. KILLER! MURDERER! I SAW HIM KILL HER! LOGAN IS THE KILLER!!! HE DID IT! HE DID IT!"
Andrea had in the middle of this tirade woken up and started to stand up. At hearing the words though, she slumped back down, once again going thud.
James was still screaming, only now he was pointing at Logan as he screamed. THe fear on his face was so comical that Rose and Naty started to crack up, but fortunately no one heard their laughs over James' screams.
Before Naty now sat a round of dynamite. "Heh Heh," she chuckled cradling her TNT. She looked around and then pulled out a match. "Burn baby Burn!" she whispered to her dynamite. She held the match in her hand and was about to strike the match when...
(Duh dun duh! Scary Music! Duh dun duh!)
Devon caught her hand in mid swing and declared, "Naty is the killer!" Naty was glaring at him emphatically denying this charge when Rose stood up and took up her case.
"What kind of world are we living in when just because you hold TNT and the murder weapon-"
"Quiet Rose! He didn't know I had the knife!"
"Oh well...still what kind of world are we living in when sexist pigs can just accuse ANYONE of being a murder? Naty is sclearly innocent because...well because she....she's innocent!"
Devon was still holding Naty's hand when she did a flying kick and knocked his hand away. Standing up exultantly she struck the match and lit the TNT. "Burn baby Burn!" She yelled. Devon wrestled with her, fighting for control of the the TNT.
Jumping up in the air, primed and ready to kick (just like in those Matrix movies), ROse kicked Devon in the back and sent him flying across the room. Shouting her joy, Naty threw the TNT at James yelling, "Lets play hot potato!" and that's exactly what the friends did. James threw the lit TNT at Logan, who threw it to Rose, who threw it to the unconscious Andrea. Devon had picked himself up and ran to Andrea's aid.
Bending down to pick up the TNT he pulled out his scissors (which he always keeps handy) and cut the fuse below the flame. Andrea had woken again only to see the TNT right above her; she fainted agian witha dramatic thud, which only made James scream louder than before.
Devon therew the TNT into the closet along with his pair of scissors. He pulled out his pipe and puffed on it while he though deep thoughts.
"Seems to me that there is a murderer here...it is probably one of us. Now lets see...Naty and I were sitting front row, James and Logan in the middle and Rose and Andrea in the back. Two people have been suspected...Naty and Logan. Thus I think it is only fair to tie up them both until the end of this really hokey scary movie...any objections?"
No one had any objections so the two friends were tied up at the front desks and duct tape put over their mouths. Meanwhile the rest of the friends tried ther best to solve the mystery of Mrs. Killer's death.
Devon was still puffing on his pipe mumbling softly to himself. Andrea had again woken up and so she and Rose were sitting behind Naty and throwing spiders that they had caught into her hair. James had finally quieted down and so he was once again carving his name into his desk. The friends were all having a good time, except for Naty because the spiders were crawling all over her body, when in the distance sirens began to blow.
"Alright! Sirens! WeeeOhhWeeeOh Beeep!! Beep!!HONK!" Devon yelled, happily running around the classroom like a little kid in a candy shop. He ran out of the room and through the hallways yelling about sirens and how cool they were.
Suddenly his happy yells were cut off. Rose, Andrea, and James ran to see what was wrong. They saw Devon lying on the floor, curled up. The friends all started screaming about how Devon was killed, when he got up and brushed the dirt off of his shirt.
"I'm not dead," he sheepishly admitted, "I was running along happily yelling when I got a paper cut on my finger and I think I fainted."
THe friends were so happy that he wasn't dead that they didn't hear all of the gruesome yelling coming from the classroom. They were happily laughing and hugging each other while the bloody screams of agony were being screamed in vain. Something, though clued them into the mass killing going on in the classroom.
THey were in mid hug when Rose said, "hey were's my vodka? Did you steal my vodka?" Those simple words led to many accusations and soon the four friends were not acting so friendly. James was holding Devon by the hair and punching him in the stomach, Rose had Andrea in a headlock and Andrea was retaliating by biting her arm.
In the midst of all this warfare, Andrea kind of poked up her head and said, "Rose did you use deodorant today? Cause MAN, you stink!" THis lead to more fighting and then in the space of a second they all made up and hugged each other. A bottle of vodka was produced for Rose and the four friends made up.
And no, this is NOT when they noticed the screams... that happened thirty minutes later when all of a sudden Devon said, "I think somehting has happened to Logan!" Yep, that brother's intuition finally caught up with Devon, and he ran up the hall to the classroom to rescue his brother.
Naty was slumped in her chair cradling a dismembered bloody elbow, when the friends ran into the room. Logan was no where to be found.
"what the?! Naty where did you get a bloody elbow?! Give it back to the person you took it from right now!" demaded Rose (She wasn't drunk yet, she was just at the point where she became extremely talkative and slightly muddled).
"I once had an eyeball...infact I have two! But they aren't bloody. DId you know that I have a nose too? And a mouth and ears and OH! I have 9 fingers, 8 toes, 152 bones in my body, 2,005,289,526,932 cells in my body and 5 brain cells! I used to have 10 but something happened; Oh and I hve 256 freckles and .."
Everyone tuned Rose out as she went on and on about her body parts and concentrated on Naty. She sat up and while still cradling the bloody elbow she told her story.
"This grat big old figure in a black cloak came in and it was holding a giant codfish, it was fozen, adn he whacked Logan over and over until he was a bloody pulp. Then it turned on me, but by then I had untied myself ( I had already got both of our mouths untied with my stick that I always keep with me) and I lucged at the cloaked figure and gnawed on his elbow until it came off, and then I must have fainted because I don't remember anything else. When I woke up, Logan was gone...I think he's DEAD!"
(Duh dun dun! Duh DUN! SCARY MUSIC!! Duh duh dun! DUN DUN!!!)
Rose was still going on about her body parts when she slumped and hit the floor with a THUD. Andrea was standing over her holding a frozen codfish up high.
"I DIDN"T DO IT" she exclaimed. The friends just rolled their eyes and then tied Andrea up along with Naty.
"Okay, now we have another murder suspect...ANDREA!" The two friends then left Naty and Andrea tied up to the chairs, and Rose slumped on the floor.
"So you liked being tied up?" Naty asked Andrea. Andrea looked at Naty and said, "So..you like killing innocent people (and Logan) and stuffing them in closets?" Right then the two friends became closer and they spent their time laughing and getting to know each other even better.
"SO what were you doing with the bloody knife and the TNT?" Andrea asked. Naty smiled her sadistic smile and then replied that she saw the knife on the floor and had grabbed it. THe TNT was just a little something she always kept in ther backpack (so she was always ready to blow up mailboxes) and with the entire bloody killing thing, she was incited to pull ito out and blow things up.
"So....are you the killer?" asked Andrea.
At that moment James and Devon were looking for a place to hide (just in case the killer wasn't Andrea or Naty, and if they weren't then they could just serve as conveniently located prey). THinking as fast as they could, they decided that eh safest place to hide would be the library. Nobody that was even remotely cool would be found in the library and this killer was definitley someone who could be considered cool in a weird sort of twisted way. After all he was targeting teachers..and Logan. So they ran confidently to the library, certain that no one would ever find them there. But first they had to find the library.
As they were looking for the answer to their dilemma, James noticed a piece of lent on Devon's shirt. James leaned over and picked it off of his shirt. Devon smiled his thanks and then noticed a speck of dander on Jame's slicked back hair. Devon picked the dander off of his hair and what ensued was a grooming ritual that would have put little hairy monkeys to shame.
After about thirty minutes of grooming they remembered their dilemma and once again sought for an answer from their tired little brains (they had been through a lot that day: the pedicure before school, doing Jame's hair because more often than not Devon was called upon to help grease it up. It was a two man job)
LAME JOKE #1: How many men does it take to do James' Hair? (Ba HAhaHAha)... ahem...back to the story...
THen the most remarkable thing happened. James and Devon turned into monkeys. First James grew monkey ears; Devon on seeing this laughed and started to make fun of James. Then Devon grew monkey ears and soon they were both monkeys. Once they were transformed to monkeys they decided to ditch this joint and so they climbed up the wall and out the window swinging from branch to branch.
Meanwhile...Rose was beginning to stir. She sat up rubbing her head and glaring at Andrea and Naty. "Okay you guys- which one bumped me on my head.. and why does this room smell like fish? AND WHY AREN'T I DRUNK??" The two friends looked at each other and with wide, innocent eyes said, " Don't you remember Rose? the evil Fiend came behind you and thumped you on the head! Then you blacked out and the bad guy tied us up! (They fluttered their eyelashes) Please untie us!!!"
And so the two living murder suspects were let loose on the unsuspecting world. Andrea upon getting free jumped up and started to do some GROOVY dancing! Naty just sat there and plotted- her eyes shifting form place to place, looking extremely guilty.
Rose was still rubbing her head complaining about how fishy this whole thing was when once again the room went black.
Thorugh the moonlight coming in from the window, the three girls saw a cloked villain coming toward them. It was slightly hunch backed and it was coming towards them chuckling. It grabbed Naty and flung her to the ground. Then it grabbed Rose and hit her on top of her head with a giant frozen octopus (What, did yo think it was going to be a codfish? That is SO last season).
Then at seeing Andrea, who was still dancing, it flung away its cloak and started to dance with her. The friends all gasped (GASP)! The villian was LOGAN!! (Duh duh Dun!) Andrea just smiled, she was grooven too much to care whom the killer was and that he was dancing with her.
Rose just shrugged and said "it figures". Naty looked at Logan and picking up giant frozen turkey, knoked him on the head. The day was saved!!! Then through the window came crashing a blue and red blur.
"It's Superman!" exlaimed everybody.
"A little late" groused Rose. Superman stood proudly, his hands on his hips and said, " Never fear! I am here along with tinkerbelle, Robin, Pooh Bear, Bat Girl, Poison Ivy, Peter Parker, Peter Pan, Sand Man, The nerdy guy from scene 1 of star trek (the guy who dies), and the merry men!" at that he flung open his cape and everyone stepped out from under it.
In the midst of the crwded mess, James and Devon came flinging throughthe now broken window. (Gasp) the people all gasped! Naty grabbed her back pack and pulled out a bag of collars. She then went around putting collars around the necks of everyone in the room. A few put up a fight, but she scowled at them and they left her alone. Then she put all of her pets on a leash (except for the star trek guy, he was a dork and was bound to die sometime or another) and walked out humming a song.
And that would be the end of the story except the people need to know why this story all started. Logan got greedy for recognition and decided to stage this whole event for the publicity. Naty got the best of him by plotting to capture all of her friends as pets and in a sense won the day.
And the peasants rejoiced...
(Dun Dun Dun!!!! SCARY MUSIC!!!!!!Dun DUn Dunnnn!!!!!!)
Keep your eyes out fo the brilliant sequel entitled: Attack of the Fuzzy Bunnies!! Soon to be released in hard cover.