*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from https://www.Writing.Com/view/1247042
Rated: 13+ · Script/Play · Comedy · #1247042
Panchester Fig finds himself face to face with a fierce Banshee named Daisy Muffin.
BANSHEE
ATTACK!

A SHORT PLAY WRITTEN BY BOB NASR

We open on an old man in a suit at a desk. His name is Mr. BROTCH Cromminello.

NARRATOR
This is Brotch Cromminello. A man who made millions of dollars through his heated food business. As he grew older, he spent most of his fortune on developing the most luxurious and bizarre mansion that had ever been built. I should probably mention the fact that I am not a real narrator. I apologize. I came here to see this play, and after reading a copy of the script, I have come to the conclusion that an introduction by a narrator couldn't hurt. You won't hear me again in this play, I just have a thing about exposition. And now, watch this very short play about Mr. Cromminello's death, brought on by his extravagant household.

Enter PANCHESTER Fig, another man in a suit.

PANCHESTER
Mr. Cromminello, I have bad news.

BROTCH
It's about the asparagus isn't it. My goddamn teeth can't handle those brittle, under cooked, little green devils any more! Please cook up some more, over done this time, cheffy old pal.

PANCHESTER
I'm sorry, Mr. Cromminello, I'm not part of your kitchen staff. My name is Panchester Fig, I'm the manager of your in house zoo.

BROTCH
Zoo, zoo! I never had a zoo installed in this place!

PANCHESTER
Actually, you did sir. We spoke three years ago when you decided it was necessary to see the animals whenever you needed to.

BROTCH
I don't recall.

PANCHESTER
Anyways, it seems the ape, named Daisy-Muffin, escaped, killing and maiming most of your zoo keepers.

BROTCH
Ah, yes, Daisy-muffin, what a perfect specimen. But she is no ape. Daisy-muffin is a banshee!

PANCHESTER
Sir, with all due respect, Banshee's don't exist. What we have is an ape, named Daisy-Muffin who is tearing your house apart.

BROTCH
I pay you, yes? I feed you, I have given you luxurious accommodations, the least you could do is listen to me when I say something is true.

PANCHESTER
Yes, sir. But all of your animals have fictitious names.

BROTCH
Which ones? I ask you, which of my beautiful animals have fake names?

PANCHESTER
Well, the elongated esophagus mammal, that's a giraffe, sir.

BROTCH
Well, excuse me! Next you'll tell me that it's not called an ebony and ivory statue pony!

PANCHESTER
That's a zebra.

BROTCH
No, no, no! Daisy-Muffin is a Banshee and that is final!

PANCHESTER
Yes, sir.

BROTCH
And a sweet and lovable banshee, at that!

PANCHESTER
Actually, sir, Daisy-muffin is still on the lose, and she killed all of your trapeze artists, when she attacked your circus tent on the roof.

BROTCH
Never liked that circus of mine. Those trapeze artists never did anything dangerous, like with giant spinning blades or flaming pants. I'm sure that the Banshee will only rid my house, of the excess I've been meaning to purge anyways.

A woman enters, JURY Hancheese.

JURY
Mr. Cromminello, I have bad news.

BROTCH
Yes, yes, come in cheffy.

PANCHESTER
Don't worry, ma'am, he called me cheffy when I came in.

JURY
I am the cheffy. The name's Jury, Jury Hancheese, I run the kitchen in sector B.

BROTCH
I suppose you have news about the asparagus, then?

JURY
Well actually, an animal, possibly a Banshee,

PANCHESTER
You mean ape?

JURY
No, it was deffinitly a banshee. She came into our kitchen and destroyed our equipment, as well as killing the cooks and dishwashers.

BROTCH
Yes, yes, but what does this mean as far as asparagus goes.

JURY
Sir, all of your chef's have been killed. Killed by a hideous banshee.

BROTCH
I'm sick of hearing about this dang blasted banshee.

PANCHESTER
We don't have much time. Who knows when Daisy-muffin will come up into Mr. Cromminello's office, and kill us all.

BROTCH
Yes, we'll have to escape from my trillion dollar mansion.

JURY
Let's go down the stairs and run out of the front gates, right now!

Enter CORN Frankenfeetle.

CORN
It won't be as easy as that. The name is Corn Frankenfeetle, I'm the gardener for this estate. Let me tell you, it shan't be an easy task. Mr. Brotch Cromminello had me install four hundred poison sumac plants surrounding the building, as well as fifty-five hundred stinging nettle plants, and as a final precaution, he paid me to set up ninety thousand bear traps, ready for snap'n.

JURY
There must be a way to get out of the building. Isn't there a safety bridge?

CORN
Of course there's a damn safety bridge!

PANCHESTER
Great, we'll use the safety bridge.

CORN
You didn't let me finish, the safety bridge was destroyed by the banshee, now all that's left is a mass of bent and broken metal, twisted and shaped by the claws of a banshee.

PANCHESTER
What does this mean for us?

CORN
It means but one thing. Fate has set us up in an epic battle of man versus beast, once the dust settles, there will be one champion.

JURY
I fear it will be the banshee.

PANCHESTER
Ape! The correct term is ape!

BROTCH
Trust me, trust me. I will show that monkey what I'm made of. I've been in the heated food business since that damned monkey was growing it's front teeth!

PANCHESTER
Even though his wording of the subject is a bit strange, I have to agree with Mr. Cromminello on this one. We will use our brute force against the ape, and surely she will...

The lights flicker on and off.

JURY
Oh, Jesus, what was that?

CORN
That be the old electricity system having problems. Lord knows what that banshee has been screwing with in this castle

PANCHESTER
I'm scared.

BROTCH
You're all a bunch of wimps! The electricity flickers, so does my memory, but it doesn't bother me!

Enter HUGO Cromminello. (I promise, it's the last character.)

HUGO
Father, it is I!

BROTCH
Who the hell are you?

HUGO
I am Hugo Cromminello, your son.

BROTCH
Oh, yes, now I remember, yes my son. You always loved football.

HUGO
I certainly did.

PANCHESTER
What is the news from outside of this office?

HUGO
Not good. The banshee has killed everyone in the building.

PANCHESTER
Actually a banshee is from gaelic folk lore, it involves no monkeys, and

JURY
The banshee killed everyone?

HUGO
Everyone. And now it will most certainly come after the people in this very room!

CORN
This is terrible! I will not be food for such a horrid beast! I will kill myself before the jagged toothed monster eats me!

The lights flicker, then turn off for a moment. After the lights turn on it is revealed that CORN is dead.

JURY
The old gardener is dead! That means the banshee is hiding somewhere in this room!

BROTCH
Come out, you limey bastard! I'll give you the old Brotch Crominello-one-two-punch!

PANCHESTER
Nonsense! The ape isn't in this room! What was Corn Frankenfeetle talking about before he died?

HUGO
Killing himself?

PANCHESTER
Exactly, the man obviously killed himself.

JURY
Are you kidding? Look at these claw marks, I think the banshee is hiding in the vents!

The lights turn off again and turn on to reveal, JURY is dead.

BROTCH
Cheffy! My asparagus girl, torn to shreds by a banshee.

PANCHESTER
No, no, no it looks to me, like she killed herself.

HUGO
It could be any of us next!

BROTCH
Not me, I used to be the fist punching champion of the world!

HUGO
That's not true, dad.

BROTCH
How would you know, you've only been my son for ten minutes!

The lights go down and come up once again, and BROTCH is dead.

PANCHESTER
Oh jesus!

HUGO
It seems my father is dead.

PANCHESTER
Okay, I think I know what happened, he too killed himself.

HUGO
You fool, it was the banshee, Daisy-muffin!

PANCHESTER
You're looking kind of crazy, Hugo.

HUGO
That's because...

HUGO takes off his white gloves to reveal hairy banshee-like hands.

HUGO
I am the banshee!!!

PANCHESTER
No, it can't be true! Besides, the term is ape!

HUGO
I posed as the senile old man's son, just to lull you all into a false state of security, and then, WHAM!

PANCHESTER
No, no! Please don't eat me, Daisy-muffin, please, I'm a good man, I have a rubber-tree plant at home, it needs me!

HUGO
Even if you survived my claws, how would you escape this fortress?

PANCHESTER
It matters not! Did you order the pastrami on rye?

HUGO
Huh?

PANCHESTER grabs a sandwich from BROTCH's desk and shoves it down HUGO's throat. HUGO falls to the floor and dies. PANCHESTER pants for a moment before the NARRATOR begins speaking again.

NARRATOR
Hi, there. I bet you didn't think you'd hear my voice again. You see, upon reading the script one last time, I realized there was no explanation as to how the sandwich killed such a fierce beast. Well, you see, Panchester Fig knew, from working in the in-house zoo, that Daisy-muffin was allergic to sandwiches. That's silly, you say? Well, it's quite common for a banshee to be allergic to such a thing, and not just sandwiches themselves, but the separate parts of the sandwich can also cause damage. However, it is the entire entity of the sandwich that made Daisy-muffin die so quickly. It happens more often then you'd think that an animal poses as a family member and begins to cause havoc. This is why spare sandwiches should always be on hand. As for Panchester Fig, he slowly went insane and eventually died within the confines of the Cromminello estate.

PANCHESTER
Damn it. I hate you, Narrator.

NARRATOR
Please don't hate me, this isn't even my job. I do narrating on the weekends, but my love is in designing pension plans.

PANCHESTER
That's fascinating. So when do I go insane, Mr. narrator?

NARRATOR
Right now, I mean you're talking to a voice that doesn't exist.

PANCHESTER
Oh. Please kill me and put me out of my misery.

NARRATOR
Can't do that, but I could design you a kick-ass pension plan!

PANCHESTER
Great.

THE END.
© Copyright 2007 Guru Sanchez (cxfinch at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
Writing.Com, its affiliates and syndicates have been granted non-exclusive rights to display this work.
Log in to Leave Feedback
Username:
Password:
Not a Member?
Signup right now, for free!
All accounts include:
*Bullet* FREE Email @Writing.Com!
*Bullet* FREE Portfolio Services!
Printed from https://www.Writing.Com/view/1247042