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Rated: E · Other · Other · #1260420
I'm trying to show instead of tell the story. It's for practice. Read on.


TELLING

Clint stared at the gun pointed at him.
"Give me the money," The gunman demanded.
Clint opened the cash drawer and with sack in hand started putting the money inside. He worked as quickly as he could.
"Come on, hurry up."
Clint handed the bag to the robber.
The robber shot Clint then left.
Clint pulled out his cell phone and called 911.
"911,  What is the nature of your emergency?"
"I've been robbed and shot. I'm at the Conoco at 65th and the freeway." He passed out.

SHOWING

In utter disbelief, Clint gaped at the gun. The end of the barrel seemed to be like the end of a cannon pointing right at him.
"Give me the money," The gunman ordered.
Nervously, Clint opened the cash drawer and, with plastic bag in hand, began by pulling the ones out of their slot first, setting off a silent alarm to the police. Still nervous, he handed the bag to the thief.
The masked crook grabbed the bag while pulling the trigger of his gun, then made a quick exit.
In total surprise, Clint was thrown backward onto the floor. The pain in his chest made him gasp for breath. Reaching into his jeans pocket, he puttled out his cell phone and hit "1".
As he layed there, trying to breath, he heard: "911, What is your emergency?"
He gasped, "I've been robbed and shot. I'm at the Conoco at 65th and the freeway."  then passed out from the pain.

I hope that's better.
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