by Mr Meanor
I know that Valentines has already passed, but this is one of my favorites.
|Editor's Note: Mr Meanor did not take a question this time. Everyone is full of love or miserable because of it and either way it's too depressing for Mr Meanor to take.
Happy Valentine's Day gentle reader. Today is a day for love, happiness, and the joy of having somebody special in your life. And for those of us who do not work for a greeting card company or a jewelry store and live in the real world, it's a day for trying to pretend that we are not some burned out, hollow, bitter husk of humanity who long ago gave up on finding love in this lifetime. There is even room in the world for a third set of people. These are the people who are enjoying Valentine's and hoping it will not turn out like the last time you had someone. You know what I mean. It was the Valentine's Day that your boyfriend had a bad reaction to the LSD, broke your TV with a hair dryer because it was looking at him funny (the hair dryer that is), and ate the roses that you bought yourself. This was right before he was arrested on your front porch in full view of your landlord who had you evicted the next day. It almost made the police feel bad about giving you a summons for those four parking tickets you "forgot" about. Now that the memory has come back you can fill your free time with therapy to forget again. Just do not hook up with the doctor or it will be more of the same with classical music in the background.
This Valentine's Day, you may be forced to spend time with friends who are happy, baby talking, gooey-sweet, sickeningly in love. The goal is simply not to listen to them. Just nod, smile, and say "That's sweet". They won't be listening, anyway. To fill the eternities between comments, imagine your last boyfriend beating them with a hair dryer. Just don't listen to them or they will make you want to do bad things to the entire immediate area. Just be happy that they are happy. HA, HA, HA!!! Just kidding. Go home and stick pins in voodoo dolls. You'll feel better.
You will not feel better if these people try to play match maker. YOU MUST NOT ACCEPT ANY BLIND DATES. Love is not only blind, it is stupid. Why else would your friend--who cares about you and wants you happy--think that you would want the geriatric, mental hospital reject that they obviously dredged out of a downtown dumpster? While everyone else is having fun, you will be trying to figure out if Gary (or is it Gill--maybe Gerald--who cares?) is talking about being a crossing guard or cross dresser. (Maybe his drag name is Jill) After this preview of Hell, you can go home and eat all of the good chocolates that your friends got. They will not want to eat them because they want to look good for those shaved apes that pass as human that they love at this particular moment. When these factory seconds of humanity dump your friends make sure that you have a few of the lesser quality chocolates in the fridge. For God's sake do not listen to the blubbering, either. All that you need to do are some pats on the back and "He wasn't good enough for you". Fill in the spaces wondering if the boyfriend was any good in bed.
If you do not have a future ex-boyfriend or someone to force you to go out, you will be stuck at home watching TV. For the safety and sanity of all of your loved ones, block Lifetime, A+E, O Network and any possibly chick-oriented channel. These will have some cotton candy of a movie that will make you want to take out your entire neighborhood with a bazooka. Make sure that you hide all potential weapons including someone else's credit cards, your car keys, and the telephone. You don't want any hurt feelings either.
Actually, just cancel all of your appointments for the next couple of days, swig a bottle of night time medicine and sleep until it's all over. You can deal with Valentine's Day next year when you have someone. Mr Meanor is available or he can set you up with one of his friends.