by Farsh Nuke
Rated: E · Non-fiction · Comedy · #1405094
bullying victims will find this useful.
Ways to Survive School for
the intellectually up
I am, a boffin, a wierdo, a slob, fat and smelly, AND
a victim of bullying.
This is how I, just, survived the torture of school:
1. Remember at the end of the day school doesn't
really matter (yes, technically you do need it for
but there's two sections on what to do instead at the
2. HOMEWORK. The enemy of a good childhood, but
it doesn't have to be so bad.
There are three key points to remember;
A. Homework can be rubbish as long as it's not
late, just keep the teacher happy (type it on a
computer if you can, create a fancy title, then use
a thesaurus to convert every word into a phrase or
long word, etc).
B. For projects, same as for homework, but try
to make it longer by increasing the font size,
changing the font to Verdana, and increasing the
C. Every now and then hand in an AGrade
of work, by "researching", to keep yourself ahead
of the class.
3. Make Friends with the teachers. It's hard, but if
you make friends or even just allies, with even a few
teachers. It can;
A. Give you a stunning report when you've done
diddly squatt during lessons.
B. Give you priviledges like being able to hand in
your very important, do or die, coursework really
C. Enable you to get away with things nobody
else could, like thumping your worst enemy right in
4. Bullying. It doesn't stop. So just survive the
stress of it all with these helpful hints.
A. Scare the Bullies. Not only is it fun and
sometimes beneficial for relieving stress, it might
the bullies off your back for a few minutes.
B. Get in the sly dig. Aim for the shins and privates
for best effect. This is purely a stress relieving
C. Lash out. Keep track of your stress level, and
when you get to within 5 to 10 minutes of tearing
someone's head off, start doing a quirk, like with me
it's heavy breathing and fidgeting, getting faster
and faster, the more stressed you get (this will help
alert to people when to stop bugging you, for their
own safety, You can also piss them off by doing the
"Warning Signals" then at the time of their reward,
you lashing out, just walk away), Then just before
you "Blow" lash out, chase after them and try to hit
them (intentionally missing to avoid punishment).
Doing this will give you stress relief, and may
convince some of the greater cowards to shy away
from you, only occasionally appearing to call you
names and poke you, just scare them off.
D. Come backs. Create great comebacks regularly
to attract passing fans and friends. They won't be
genuine but they will be cheap, and they'll do more
than a real friend to get good dirt on yourself, so
just keep them happy, don't tell them too much.
And if you get enough you'll be popular in no time.
Also for success in comebacks, just bung tons on
insulting words and phrases together.
5. After School If
you just didn't get Grades you
wanted and you have little or no money
Section A. Earning Money:
1. The Internet Shop:
A. Setting Up Your Own Shop;
1) Decide what media you want to sell, be it movies,
games or music (simple but essential).
2) Get hold of a way to make your media. Might I
suggest for Movies and Games, that you use
Macromedia flash, the latest version if possible,
(Getting Flash will cost you some money, but you
download a free trial for thirty days or you could get
hold of a serial code). And for Music, you should
use Audacity as it is totally free and brilliant.
3) Design a website to attract visitors and sell your
goods. Assuming you have microsoft office installed
you should be able to use frontpage to design your
website easily without any knowledge of frames or
html (though some knowledge will help). Over the
next few tasks you will have a lot of waiting to do
so I would suggest you research good web design
through magazines such as "Webuser" and ".net".
4) Set up a Paypal business account, you will have
to pay for it, but only the most minescule amount
will be shaved off any incoming money.
5) Get your Paypal account verified, Just follow the
instructions, there is a small cash incentive as
they will deposit some money into your bank
account as part of the process.
6) Incorporate shopping carts into your web design,
to do this go to merchant tools, then click
where it says shopping cart and follow the
7) Check everything on your website works.
8) Find a free hosting website like freewebs.com and
sign up for free hosting.
9) Upload your site and check everything works.
10) Put some advertisements on your site, it makes
it look professional. Try Amazon.com.
11) Check everything works, get feedback on your
site, then alter the design if necessary.
12) Buy domain registration. This can range from
£5.00 for one year of basic web forwarding (when
someone types in your desired web address, the
browser goes to your actual web address), to £1000
for two years for the best hosting, web and email
B. Selling Stuff on Ebay;
1) Set up a seller account.
2) Find something to sell.
3) Sell it through Ebay.
4) Find a way to get it to the person cheaply and
5) Rake in the cash.
Selling Art online "Webuser" issue 151 pages 3637
Section B. Saving Money:
1. Avoid expensive calls at www.saynoto0870.com
2. Save money on everything at
3. Sell your house without estate agent commision
4. Find misspelled Ebay bargains at
5. Slash your bills at www.uswitch.com
6. Power your own home at
7. Become selfsufficient
8. Get a free home makeover at
9. Find a great pub at www.beerintheevening.com
10. See all the shows at www.whatsonstage.com
11. Book the perfect restaurant at
12. Watch free movies at
13. Share a lift to work at www.liftshare.org
14. Find easy public transport at
15. Become a mystery shopper at
16. Get on the telly and win money at
17. Get a qualification at www.hotcourses.com
18. Learn everything at www.videojug.com |
These will help you get a better job
19. Learn a language at www.bbc.co.uk/languages/
20. Give up smoking at www.givingupsmoking.co.uk
21. Go on a diet at www.dailydiettracker.co.uk
22. Swap houses instead of staying in a hotel at
23. Find the perfect hotel at www.tripadvisor.net
24. Find the best airline seat at www.seatguru.com
25. Become a cocktail king at www.drinksmixer.com
26. Become an actor at www.amdram.co.uk
27. Read the classics for free at www.bartleby.com
28. Learn to cook at www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes
29. Get help for making a movie at
30. This next one comes from me; Put £5.00 in a
sock you don't wear anymore, tie a knot in the sock
(so the money will stay in), lose the sock, I mean
really have no idea where it is, then when you next
need money you will find the sock.
Written By Alexander Gordon Jaws Nintendo
Please note at the time of writing I still have one
and a bit years of school left, so the information
be a tad inacurate.