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Rated: 13+ · Script/Play · Comedy · #1514492
Stan Smith learns that his wife is a terrorist!
intro
int CIA office - Daytime
Stan is at work and we find him and his friends looking at a magazine.
STAN
There she is fellas, the hottest thing you've ever laid eyes on.
We see a photo of a weapon in the magazine
STAN
The nerdinator 5000. It can destroy a magnetic pulsory system in less that 12 parsecs. And it will help you understand what that even means!
Stan's friends are impressed by the weapon.
Their boss arrives and they quickly try to hide the magazine.
Mr Bullock
Good morning gentleman. What's that you've got there. Why, is that the new issue of Shock and Awe-some? Let me see that!
Stan and Friends
Awwwwwww!
MR BULLOCK
Now, now, you know this magazine is for grown ups only.
STAN
But we were reading it for the articles!
MR BULLOCK
Sure you were. Um, Stan, can I see you in my office real quick?
co-worker
Oooooh, Stan's in trouble!
The guys all laugh at Stan.
STAN
I am not!
MR BULLOCK
C'mon, now!
Stan sticks his tongue out at his friends as he walks away. He and Mr. Bullock enter an office.
int office - moments later
Mr. Bullock sits at his desk.
MR BULLOCK
Take a seat, Stan.
STAN
Sir if this is about the burning Mexican flag in Pablo's cubicle the other day, I'm sorry!
MR BULLOCK
The what? I don't know what you're talking about.
STAN
Oh! (beat) In that case, did you see what I did to Pablo's cubicle the other day? Man, what a prank! You know, I wasn't gonna do it at first, but the guys convinced me. But anyway...
MR BULLOCK
Stan, I have something to tell you that may come as a shock.
STAN
Don't worry, sir. Nothing can shock me as badly as Pablo was shocked when he came back to his desk after that one.
MR BULLOCK
What? No! This has nothing to do with Pablo. I was looking at the updated terror watch list this morning and came across this.
Mr. Bullock slides a file to Stan. He opens it and is shocked at what he sees. It is a file on Francine!
STAN
Francine! But, but how can this be?
MR BULLOCK
That's the problem. She's living with a CIA agent and has been hiding so well for so long, she is probably far more dangerous that the average terrorist.
STAN
I can't believe it. Although that does explain her uncanny ability to create a turban out of a towel after she gets out of the shower.
MR BULLOCK
Now that we know she is a terrorist, we need to act immediately. I can understand if you don't want to take on the case personally.
Stan is still in shock and thinks about the whole situation for a moment. He realizes what he must do.
STAN
No! She may be my wife, but she's a terrorist first! I'll deal with this!
MR BULLOCK
Very well, then. I suggest going home and searching high and low for terrorist activity.
ext school - daytime
Steve arrives at school and finds his friends at their lockers. Steve is carrying 2 beakers from home for their science project.
Steve
Hey guys! I got the anthrax and koolaid for our chemistry project.
Snot
Awesome! We're sure to get an A now!
BARRY
It'll prolly taste great, too!
STEVE
Heh, yea. I can't wait to mix this stuff together. A few drops of each and we'll have the biggest flame this school's ever seen!
The kids pause for a moment, as if waiting for something.
STEVE
Wow, no gay joke this time, cool.
Toshi
(Why wait for class to mix them together?)
Barry and snot
Yea!
Snot pushes Steve while Toshi and Barry grab the beakers and smash both over Steve's head. A ball of fire appears on Steve's head and he runs around frantically, trying to put it out.
STEVE
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHH!
Steve's friends laugh as others in the hallway join in. Even the teachers find the situation amusing.
Steve tries to put out the fire at the water fountain, but it doesn't work. He tries hitting himself over the head with some books, but that fails also.
Quickly, we cut to the bathroom and someone leaves a stall without flushing and leaves the bathroom. Suddenly, Steve runs in and goes into the same stall and dunks his head in the toilet. He leaves the bathroom and everyone is still laughing, while yellow water drips from his head. Steve freaks out again and runs out of the school.
ext - Smith house - later that day
Stan is searching through his bedroom, looking for clues to prove that Francine is a terrorist.
STAN
Evidence. Evidence. Where would she hide stuff she didn't want me to see?
Stan searches their bathroom, but can't find any good proof. He goes through the soaps and shampoos item by item and searches the medicine cabinet as well.
STAN
No. No. No.
Then, Stan returns to the bedroom and comes across a few of his wife's purses near the closet.
STAN
Well, the prices they charge for stuff like this IS a crime against humanity (beat) but that's not good enough proof! I have to find something else!
Stan walks across the room and goes through the dresser. He finds some lingerie and stops for a moment.
STAN
Hmmmm. (beat) Yes. (beat) yes, this may be proof, yea. Oh yea. I'd better hold onto it for now and, uh, run some tests back at the lab.
Stan stuffs the lingerie into a bag. He then looks to see if anyone is around. He then reaches into another drawer and grabs his own porn magazine and puts it in the bag as well.
STAN
This too.
Stan walks out into the hallway and realizes something.
STAN
Hmmmm. Perhaps she knew I would find out someday and she has hidden the terrorist stuff in the kids' bedrooms. Even worse, maybe she's trained the kids to follow in her diabolical footsteps!
Stan arrives at Steve's room next and carefully sneaks in, looking around to make sure no one is there. He enters and begins his search.
He goes through the dresser and find nothing but Harry Potter books, D&D costumes and other nerd stuff.
STAN
Damn. None of this is good proof of terrorist activity. Just proof of my failure as a father.
STEVE
You go that right.
Stan turns around to find Steve laying on his bed, reading a comic book. He has some bandages on his head due to the events at school. Stan is surprised.
STAN
AAAAAGH! How the hell did you get here? And where's my son?!
STEVE
Relax, dad. It's me. The kids at school burned my hair off.
STAN
What? Why did you let them do that?
STEVE
I didn't let them! Turns out my friends really aren't as cool as they used to be.
STAN
Don't worry, Steve, they were never cool to begin with. By the way, has your mother ever asked you to hide anything from me?
STEVE
No, why?
STAN
No weapons?
STEVE
No.
STAN
No chemicals?
STEVE
No.
STAN
No documents?
STEVE
No.
STAN
No dildoes?
STEVE
What?
STAN
What?
STEVE
Why do you think mom is hiding something?
STAN
Oh, no reason.
STEVE
And what was that last thing you asked?
STAN
Uh, nothing! Forget it. Bye!
Stan leaves Steve's room in a rush of discomfort over the situation, but quickly regains his composure. He heads down the hallway to search Hayley's room.
STAN
Well Hayley will surely have proof of terrorism in her things. Francine did a splendid job trainer her to believe in herself. Perhaps Steve was able to resist the brainwashing techniques. But of course that would mean that Steve is smart. And Steve being smart (beat) AAAAAGHH! No! Brain...can't... handle... that idea! Need....to...relax!
Stan pulls out the porn mag from earlier and calms down.
STAN
Ahhhhhhhh.
Stan folds up the magazine and continues down the hallway to Hayley's room. And continues. And continues.
STAN
Damn this is a cartoonishly long hallway! Ah finally, Hayley's room!
Stan enters Hayley's room and begins to look around. He arrives at the bed and pulls the covers off.
STAN
AHA! Red sheets! The color of Communism! Although it's also the color of Republicanism. So that means that Communists  and Republicans are one in the sa... AAAAAAAAGH! Need...to...relax...again!
Stan pulls the porn mag out again and is able to calm down.
STAN
AAAAAAAAAAH! Much better.
int kitchen - dinner
The family is in the kitchen for dinner and Stan is trying desperately not to call attention to his search. Stan begins frantically searching through every cabinet and drawer in the kitchen.
FRANCINE
Stan, what are you looking for?
STAN
Huh?! What? Oh, me, um... nothing.
FRANCINE
Well it sure looks like your searching for something important.
STAN
I'm not looking for evidence!
FRANCINE
Evidence? Of What?
STAN
Stop accusing me, woman!
FRANCINE
Calm down, I'm not accusing you of anything.
STAN
Oh (beat) right. Uh (beat) let's act like none of this just happened.
FRANCINE
(uneasy)
Uh, ok.
Stan sits down at the table while Francine serves dinner to him and the kids.
STAN
Francine, you make the world's best Hussein..er Lo Mein! The world's best Lo Mein!
FRANCINE
Um (beat) Thanks?
Stan looks around nervously, while his family stares at him in confusion.
STAN
Yea, great food. Bet you didn't even have to add any WMD to it.. er.. MSG! Msg. Yea.
FRANCINE
Um (beat) no, no I didn't. Stan do you feel ok?
STAN
Who? Me? Of course! Never better!
The family is clearly confused, but they ignore Stan's odd behavior once more. They all return to eating for a moment before Stan fully blows his cover.
STAN
Honey, can you pass the evil plans to attack on American soil, I mean salt!?
francine
What? Stan, what the hell is going on with you? Evil plans? What are you talking about?!
STAN
Oh like you don't know Mrs. Smith! Or should I say MRS. BIN LADEN!? (gasp) Mrs. Bin Laden? You're having an affair, too! And with him?! How could you?!?
FRANCINE
Stan, you sound insane! What are you talking about? Do you think I'm a terrorist or something?
STAN
I KNOW you are a terrorist! Your name is on the terror watch list at work! And now you're coming with me to headquarters.
Stan grabs Francine and tries to pull her out of the kitchen, but she pulls away.
FRANCINE
Stan, it's obviously a mistake! And besides, you can't arrest me without any proof.
Stan lets her go, realizing she is right.
STAN
You may be right. But when I find your plans, I'm taking you in!
Stan storms away. As he leaves the kitchen, Stan notices a cake on the counter.
STAN
Ooooh! Yellow cake for desert! Er..uh... I mean...Yea. Yea, yellow cake. Yea.
Stan takes some cake and walks out of the kitchen.
int school cafeteria - lunchtime
All the kids are at lunch and we find Steve looking for a seat. His former friends arrive and greet him. Toshi is wearing a Hello Kitty hat.
SNOT
Hey Steve.
STEVE
Hello gentleman. Lady.
TOSHI
(Hello Kitty's fan base knows no gender!)
SNOT
Look, we're real sorry about what happened yesterday.
BARRY
We want to make it up to you!
SNOT
Can we buy you lunch?
STEVE
You know, my instincts tell me that this is another genius plot to embarrass me in front of the entire school. However, because I'm so trusting and completely incapable of making new friends, I think I'll go with it. Get me a cheeseburger and fries.
SNOT
You got it.
Snot, Bary and Toshi walk off to get Steve's food. Steve looks confident that he has won against his friends.
STEVE
(talking to himself)
Heh, fool me once, shame on (beat) uh, fool me once (beat) fool can't get fooled again! Yes, that's it.
They arrives back at the table with Steve's food.
SNOT
Here you go! No hard feelings?
STEVE
Certainly not!
Steve takes a big bite out of the burger and looks like he enjoys it. Suddenly, his face turns red and he starts sweating. Clearly it is too spicy for him he starts spitting parts of the burger out onto his tray.
STEVE
AAAAGH! You bastards!
Snot, Barry and Toshi begin to laugh. Suddenly, Steve burps a fireball right at them, but Barry lifts his tray in tine to reflect it and the fireball bounces back to Steve, igniting his hat. The entire lunchroom laughs at Steve as he runs around, again, trying to put the fire out. Finally, the fire goes out after Steve sprays himself in the face with a fire extinguisher.
After the scene, some unfamiliar kids walk up and talk to Snot, Barry and Toshi.
Cool kid #1
Awesome job, dudes!
Cool kid #2
Yea, you're totally in now! Congrats!
SNOT BARRY AND TOSHI
Awesome!
All five kids leave the lunchroom and Steve gets up. He heard the whole conversation and is in shock.
STEVE
So THAT'S why they're treating me like this. Well, no more! I need to get back at them. But how?
ext smith house - later that day
Steve finds Roger and asks his for help.
roger
No you cannot borrow my anal probe!
STEVE
Come on! I really gotta get revenge on these guys!
ROGER
No way! Only a trained professional is allowed to use it and besides, we can't use it on minors, it's against our code.
STEVE
Well ya gotta help me out here. How else can I get my revenge?
ROGER
Well, we can always try a montage of different evil schemes.
STEVE
That sounds good.
We now enter a montage of different ideas that Roger and Steve try out for exacting revenge on Steve's friends.
We see 3 manikins, dressed like Snot, Toshi and Barry, sitting at a mock science lab table with an open flame in front of them. Roger walks up from behind and hits them in the head with a bottle of beer and all three fall into the flame, catching on fire and falling to the ground. Steve looks on, but is unimpressed.
Next, we see a doorway with 3 huge rocks, unreasonably balanced on the slightly opened door, when Roger shoves the manikins through. They are crushed instantly. Steve looks on but again is unimpressed.
Finally, we see a setup similar to the game mousetrap. A ball is pushed down a slide, falling into a bucket. From there, the bucket flips over and the ball travels down another slide. It bounces back and forth between a few more obstacles until it hits a lever, causing a trap to come down and catch the mouse.
STEVE
Perfect!
ROGER
Yaaaay! That was cool! Ok, now back to your problem.
STEVE
Wait. What? I thought that was one of our tests? That would work perfectly!
ROGER
Ha! It's just a game, Steve. Doing that in real life would be completely retarded.
ext smith house - daytime
The whole family is home and Stan is alone in the living room, trying to figure out how to deal with his family.
STAN
I can't believe she's a terrorist! Who knows how much evil she has instilled into this family. She has to be stopped. The whole family needs to be stopped! I need a detailed, intricate plan. A set of ingenious traps to capture them and make them confess to their terroristic schemes.
int hayely's room - moments later
Hayley enters her room and notices that there is a message on her computer screen. She sees it's an IM from a friend, claiming that there is a Phish concert happening right now in downtown Langley.
Hayley
Phish is reuniting!? And playing downtown?!? Oh my God!
Hayley runs out of her bedroom and down the stairs. However, the second she steps outside, Stan is there and hits her over the head with a frying pan.
STAN
(sounding ridiculous)
HAHAHAHA! She thought that message was from her friend! But it was from me! HAHAHAHA!
int Steve's room - moments later
Next up is Steve. He is in his bedroom, reading a comic book.
Stan enters with a gift.
STAN
You know, Steve, I feel bad about accusing you and the whole family of being terrorists, so I wanted to make it up to you. Here's a gift.
Stan hands the gift to Steve. He opens it and discovers that it is an action figure.
STEVE
(gasp) It's a special limited edition ultra-rare one of a kind 3D Darth Vader Action Figure! Oh my God!
STAN
Isn't it great! It even has this feature that lets you gas your friends and knock them unconscious! Look!
STEVE
Huh?
Stan  hits a button on the doll. A small cloud of smoke shoots out of the mask right at Steve. Steve coughs a bit and passes out. Stan drags him off.
int kitchen - a few minutes later
Roger walks by and notices a bottle on the counter. He comes back to see what it is.
ROGER
Oh my God! A bottle of imported Columbian 85 proof Rum! My favorite! It's been over an hour since I finished my last bottle!
Roger grabs the bottle and walks off, but then stops to think for a moment.
ROGER
Hmmm, maybe I shouldn't drink so much right now. I mean, I did just finish my whiskey before coming down here. I don't want to get sick and pass out.
(to the bottle)
We can have you later.
Roger puts the bottle back on the counter and Stan appears behind him. Roger gets knocked out with a bat and dragged off by Stan.
int living room - moments later
Now it's time for Francine. Stan calls to her from the bottom of the steps.
STAN
Oh Francine. There's a good housekeeping seminar just down the road! The first 100 visitors get a free box of doilies!
FRANCINE
(upstairs)
DOILIES!
Francine comes running down the stairs. Stan just stands at the door, frying pan in hand, holding it right in front of the open doorway to the front porch. Francine runs down yelling happily and runs right into the frying pan, knocking herself out.
STAN
God I love this pan!
Stan enters the house and walks though the living room. Suddenly, he hears a voice.
voice
I know it was you, Stan!
STAN
Who said that? Who's there? How did you get in here?!
VOICE
I saw you knock all of them out, Stan! You won't get away with this!
STAN
Show yourself, man!
VOICE
Down here! God, don't you recognize the voice of your own pet fish?
STAN
Oh, Klaus, it's you. Where have you been all day?
Klaus
I've been here, idiot! And I saw everything! You're going down!
STAN
Oh yea? How are you gonna stop me?
KLAUS
Oh, you don't want to know. But I'll tell you anyway. First, I'll lock you in the closet for a few days with no food or water. Then I'll bring you out for some Chinese water torture! And after that, if you're still alive, I'll take an ice pick and...
Stan picks up Klaus and his bowl and walks off. Klause is defeated.
KLAUS
... Oh crap, that's right, you can just carry me away. Forgot about that. (sigh) Oh well, at least I'm involved in your life again, Stan.
int small dim room - later that day
Stan's family awakens in a small room with few lights. They have no idea where they are and are scared. Then, Stan enters.
FRANCINE
Stan? What the hell is going on here?!?
STAN
As head of this family, it is my responsibility to protect you from terrorists who want to ruin our lives!
FRANCINE
And you think WE are terrorists!
STAN
Precisely! And I must kill you all in order to protect my family!
HAYLEY
But we ARE your family!
STAN
Precisely! And that is why I must protect you from these terrorists!
STEVE
But We're the terrorists!
STAN
PRECISELY! And now I must kill my family so that my family is safe... from my family... of terrorists! (beat) Yea. Yea, that's it. Right? Yea. Yea!
FRANCINE
Stan, don't you see your terrible logic here?
STAN
Absolutely not! I've learned to repress logic through years of training. Now prepare to die!
Stan's family cringes in fear. Stan looks angrily at them as he points a gun in their direction. Then, he realizes something.
STAN
Oh, I'm sorry, did I say die? Heh, how stupid of me. This is the Nerdinator 5000. It just turns you all into huge losers. That way your fellow terrorists won't want to work with you anymore. O right, I also need my energy source for the Nerdinator.
Stan opens a door and out come Steve's friends. They are confused and lost.
STEVE
You guys?!?!
SNOT
How did we get here?
STAN
Illegally, that's how. Now hold still.
Stan connects some wires to the kids and hooks up the gun.
SNOT
Hey, we're not nerds anymore!
BARRY
Yea! We're super cool and fly and other random meaningless words now.
STAN
Nonsense! Once a nerd, always a nerd. Infact, Steve, I can probably let you go.
STEVE
Sweet!
Stan unties Steve and lets him go. The family is in chock.
FRANCINE
Steve! Save us!
STEVE
Huh? Oh, right.
Steve goes for the gun and Stan fights back.
STAN
Hey, what the hell? Take it easy! I just let you go, man!
STEVE
No! I need to change my friends back! And the only source of nerdom in the room is me!
Steve grabs the gun and connects the cord to his head.
STEVE
Time to ionize some semiconductors! (Beat) Or something nerdy like that. Ya!
Steve shoots the gun at his friends and they all go back to normal.
SNOT
What, what happened? I feel like (beat) like watching all 84 original episode of Star Trek back to back!
TOSHI
(You dumbass! There were only 83 original episodes! The two-parter from season 3 is only one episode!)
BARRY
Like hell it is!
All three keep fighting while Steve looks on, relieved.
STEVE
Good to have you back, guys.
Suddenly, Mr. Bullock arrives with shocking news.
MR BULLOCK
Stan Smith, put that gun down this instant!
STAN
Sir, what are you doing here?! How did you know I would be here?
MR BULLOCK
I figured you would take it upon yourself to take down Francine. And the way you think, you would probably assume your whole family has been effected by her as well.
STAN
Damn, you know me good.
MR BULLOCK
But I'm here with proof that your wife isn't a terrorist!
STAN
What?
MR BULLOCK
We just reviewed her file at the office and found this.
Mr Bullock hands a paper to Stan. It's a picture of Francine backstage at a ZZ Top concert.
MR BULLOCK
Turns out she was on the list because of her involvement with ZZ Top back in the 80s.
STAN
(matter of fact-ly)
Ah, I get it now. Those huge beard! They closely resemble your stereotypical terrorist beard!
MR BULLOCK
Exactly! Because, as we know, all people with long beards are evil!
STAN
Of course!
Stan goes over to his family and unties them from their chairs.
STAN
I'm sorry, everybody. I got carried away.
FRANCINE
That's ok, Stan. You just wanted what's bets for your family and your country.
HAYLEY
Mom, are you kidding? He just tied us up and threated to shoot us with some kind of laser gun!
FRANCINE
(to Mr Bullock)
Are you sure Hayley wasn't on the terror watch list?
MR BULLOCK
Nope, all of you check out just fine.
STAN
Well I'm glad this is over with.
FRANCINE
One more thing Stan. If you thought we were terrorists, why didn't you just brainwash us out of it?
Stan thinks for a minute and quietly realizes how much simpler that would have made this whole situation.
STAN
Oh, right. Yea. About that. Um. The brainwashing ray is in the shop right now. Yea,  would have done that right away! Of course! Hahaha. Yes. That's right.
The family looks at Stan, concerned, knowing that he had no thought of brainwashing after all.
STAN
Ahhhhhh, family memories.
THE END

© Copyright 2009 Mike Leins (magicfan at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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