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Rated: ASR · Article · Satire · #1619666
New high-fat diet trend hits America.
Recently the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) reported that eating low-fat foods along with increased fruits and vegetables doesn’t significantly affect the risk of breast cancer, colorectal cancer, heart disease or strokes in older women. It has also been decided that there is no reason to believe that low-fat diets would affect men any different than woman.

Shortly after the release of the last issue of the JAMA a wave of high fat diets swept the nation. The general rational behind the movement being “If I can eat foods that I like and not have to worry about all the health problems and the only real cost is tacking on a few pounds, I’m in.”

Still baffled by this strange trend I tracked down one of the major advocates of this new dieting system, one Bill Graves. While sitting in a local fast food restaurant I asked Mr. Graves why he thought the trend had taken hold as firmly as it had. To which he responded, “It’s simple if you think about it.” He said as he unwrapped an ultimate cheeseburger. “Look at that Atkins diet thing. People have been deprived of their bread and everyone knows that you can’t enjoy a burger without a bun. Stack that up with vegetarianism, no meat. And poof burgers are completely out of the picture. Americans have been deprived of their burgers for far too long and we are sick of it. We need meat and bread but we’re all afraid of things like cancer and strokes and stuff. Those were the days of old though and we will fear no more because the JAMA has proven that we can eat our burgers in peace.”

When I countered with questions about obesity Mr. Graves took another bite out of his ultimate cheeseburger and replied “As long as I can eat my burgers and stay healthy I’ll never eat vegetables again unless they are a necessary ingredient of a burger. Mmm… BLT’s. Anyway, if you don’t mind I have a couch rally to attend.” I decided not to tell him he had a dribble of grease about to fall from his chin to his shirt.

There you have it. High fat diets don’t cause cancer, but they don’t keep people from being disgusting slobs either.

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