by Dan Boyce
A letter found at the scene of a nasty suicide.
|My Dearest Love,
I need to write you this explanation of why I have to leave. It has become clear to me that our relationship has not been a fulfilling one. I have known great frustration with my inability to express how I feel towards you. But I want to show just what you mean to me and inside this box is a token of myself and my dedication to you
I have opened myself up to you. The pain of my vulnerability is miniscule compared to continuing my existence without you. The idea of you belonging to me fills a hollow place deep in my soul. A place I thought could not be satisfied. I am being devoured by a darkness your light smile sweeps away. You bring me hope and have shown me what life could be.
Let me start our future with the truth. I know I am not a nice person. I have done terrible things and must I confess, I have been unfaithful to you. But never has it been in a sexual way. Never have i broken the vow I made for you. The men and women I have been with have been able to share part of me that I simply cannot show to you. I was afraid of what would become of us if I opened myself without reserve to you. The others have seen inside me as I saw inside them. They have all gone now and every time they leave the darkness grows, only you can help me hold it down.
Someone once asked me, what do I want. The question shocked me. She caught me unprepared and I could not answer. The words escaped me. But now I have them back. I want to understand the world and how people are able to touch each other in a way that I am unable. I think I now understand.
Let me tell you about my friends. Every one of them has become very special to me. Special In a way that I want to be for you. Every one of them has opened up for me and shown me the reason for their life, of what they want from other people. For some it was freedom or family, others just money. One said something that brought the missing piece of the puzzle to light. "Please" he said to me. "Please don't do this. I have a wife. I just want to hold her one more time. Please."
But what did he mean? He couldn't answer because he had to leave. Like all the others had to leave me. But what he did say stuck. As I was cleaning him up his words came back. Please, I just want to hold her again. Hold her. I asked his wife the next day. Why did he want to hold you? What was it about you both that made life bearable with each other. She left before she could answer me. I think He wanted to be close to the one he loved, to have her in his arms. It was then I realized that I wanted you in my arms but not yet I didn't feel ready. I wanted you to know me, accept me, to love me.
The others saw me in a way I have been afraid to show you. They taught me life can be worth sacrificing part of yourself for someone else. This is what has eluded me all these years. This is the answer that cost them so much.
Now I am truly free to come to you, to give part of myself to you with no compromise.
The police may come. If they do please show them the truth of my love in this package as they won't understand the bonds that joins us together. Tell them that I love you, that I was always there for you. Always watching and taking care of you. How you never need to fear your husband again and how i protected you when he fought with you. You wanted him to leave that night, wanted him out of your life. Your unspoken wish flew to me on wings of your desire. Your face screamed out how angry he made you as you slammed the door on his face and obeying your wish, I took him away.
I did learn one thing from him as he opened up and left.
Your true name. Catalina Anne-Marie Harrow.
What a beautiful name it is. It drips like thick blood from the wound of my lips. I whispered it to you while slept. No i couldn’t wake you then. You looked so peaceful dreaming of our life together. A life without the interruption of people and society. Alone just you and I. Away from the world. But before I could come to you as a complete man, I needed to know what love is.
Many had to leave before I found the answer. Before I found the strength to sacrifice part of me to give you. Inside this inadequate box is my offering to you. To our future together.
I have opened myself up and given you my heart.
I am forever yours.