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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1789748-The-Cardinal-and-the-Horsefly
Rated: E · Other · Animal · #1789748
easy review. one sentence story.
Revised version:
In the crisp spring air, the cardinal chased the horsefly, male, young, furiously fast, a bright red streak cutting through the blue of the sky, his female partner, brown, still, watching and waiting in a nearby tree, the horsefly, charcoal black, loudly buzzing, wildly swooping and turning, narrowly escaping the deadly red dart at every turn.

original version:
In the crisp spring air, the cardinal chased the horsefly, male, young, furiously fast, a bright red streak cutting through the blue of the sky, his partner watching and waiting in a nearby tree, the horsefly, charcoal black, loudly buzzing, wildly swooping and turning, narrowly escaping the deadly red dart at every turn.


i added a few words to match rhythms in the modifying phrase.

"male, young, furiously fast"
"brown, still, watching and waiting "

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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1789748-The-Cardinal-and-the-Horsefly