a meditative piece after a break-up
|Conversation with Him|
Hey ‘Man thanks for coming for coffee. How have you been?
The reason I invited you down here is I really needed to talk with you about a few things. I know most of what I have to say you do not want to hear, but I need to say them. So all I am asking from you is for you to hear me out and then go from there, deal?
As you know Derek and I dated the last half of September. What I don’t know is how much he told you for a back story. I want you to know and hear my side of things. Plus I want you to have the assurance of the fact that I will never do anything to ever damage the relationship between you two.
Derek and I met on adam4adam.com, just the same as we did when we met for coffee back in May. Derek sent me a message just simply stating he was also an American here in Kosovo as well. I had just returned from R&R to the states when I got the message. At this time I was severely depressed. I had been reading online about all my friends who are graduating college, getting married and starting families. I was lost. I had no direction or drive for my own life during this time. And what I needed above all else was a friend. Someone to talk to that would understand and give advice.
Needless to say I was on a self destructive path by this point. I was looking for any outlet and anyway to have my life destroyed utterly and completely. If I had gone on another week or two on this path I probably would of suck started my M9. So when Derek emailed me, we started talking and arranged to have coffee that same day the 14 of September.
Going for coffee all I was looking for was a friend. I had gotten there a little early and sat drinking Arizona tea smoking a cigarette when Derek showed up. I did not immediately get up and go to introduce myself. I watched him for a few minutes unsure of myself and the situation. How I remember that day so clearly. Because when I did go over to where he sat I found someone that was very easy to talk to. Derek understood my thoughts and ideas. I remember him looking at me over the brim of his cup of coffee with those beautiful sea foam green eyes. How when he smiled it was a genuine smile that even touched his eyes. Several time looking at Derek I forgot my train of thought.
When we finely said good bye I felt so relaxed and content. Not even five minutes after he left I was sprawled out on my best friends bed telling her every detail over the “date” I had just finished. When she was laughing at me and telling me I was acting like a middle school girl. I blushed and had to confess to her that if we would be stationed here longer; I would be working towards putting a ring on him. I had not realized until that confession to her that I was already falling for Derek.
It seems that God had sent me and Angel when I was truly in need of one. I felt happy and was smiling again. Derek phrased it right when he said “my coworkers are wondering who I killed and if I buried the shovel with the body, due simply to the fact I am smiling and I seem to bounce when I walk.”
The next day on Thursday, Battle and I made spaghetti for dinner. Derek was already on shift for the night. I told him before he went on shift that I would set aside a plate for him to have some. When we met up so I could give it to him we wound up smoking and talked for 30 minutes before he had to go back to work. Then he told me had a surprise for me tomorrow that Friday and to bring silver wear.
Unsure of what he was planning I did as asked. He did something for me that day no one I had previously dated had ever done for me. He bought lunch from off base and brought it to me so as we could have a restaurant date. We sat and talked for several hours over the meal and coffee. When it came time for him to have to go get ready for work he walked me back to my room. I offered Derek a soda to take with him on his way back. When he came into the room we were making small talk; somehow during that time we kissed.
That kiss, it blew me away, I saw stars. The explosion of joy and excitement that I felt when our lips met was for lack of a better term a nuclear explosion. The smell of him, that earthy scent mixed with a slight musk. Every little detail about Derek sent my senses into hyper-drive. When we parted I still felt out of breath. I knew then that I loved him and would do anything for him.
Derek is, as I have already acknowledged, my Angel, someone so perfect in every detail for me. Derek truly is smart, funny, so sweet and kind. He saw something in me when I was so lost and without any hope. When I had given up on my life Derek gave it back to me.
We talked about anything and everything when we were together. I kept no secrets from him. Derek made me feel so safe and secure for me to be myself without any hesitation. During this time he confessed to me about him knowing you and having had a “friends with benefits” arrangement with you. When he told me that he had feeling for you in the past, I know then that I would lose him to you. I was not expecting it to be this soon, but life rarely turns out the way we expect.
Soon our conversations turned from the here and now to the future and what could be our future together. When I would hold Derek in my army I felt complete. I had someone I had only ever been able to dream of before. Someone that was interesting in me and not just what I could give them. Derek always encouraged my hopes and dreams. Yet when I needed a shoulder to cry on he was right there for me.
Derek is and will always be my saving angel. He gave me back my life when I had thrown it away. So the night that he came up to the hospital and told me about how he and you had talked the previous night. And how you had finely confessed all of your feelings for him and how he had to find out what you two would become. Derek told me he had to find out otherwise letting you go would be one of his major regrets later in life. As Derek was telling me all of this I watched as the one person I think I have ever truly loved cry and break down before my eyes. I had to fight with everything I had to keep one single tear from falling because I knew that if I started I would never stop.
It was then that I did something I never thought I would have to do with him. I looked at him and said that I loved him so much and that for him I would sacrifice my own happiness for his. That I stand aside for him to go to you and have his life with you. I in effect ripped my own heart out of my chest with those words and gave up my world for him to live his life the happiest as possible. The most precious thing in this life I had ever known, I watched walk away from me that night. When I wanted to be down on my knees begging for him to never leave me I smiled and told him I wished you both the best and that I loved him.
I would give everything I have for Derek’s happiness. It kills me to know that I am not the one that he wants or needs to be with. Every time we hang out it pains me to see him smile at me and know I can’t reach out for him to hold or kiss him.
I do, with all my heart, wish you both nothing but the best. I love him and would never do anything to destroy his happiness. And if that shall be with you then I will do everything in my power to encourage it. Derek will always be my Angel and if ever he needs me I will be there. I don’t care the distance or the circumstances. I hope I never lose him from my life even if it is just as a friend. He is my world and as long as he is happy then that’s all I will ever need. You are the lucky one to have someone like him and how I envy you.