A conversation between Tebow and the Lord
|Thus spaketh Tebow unto the Lord: "Father, my people have wandered for 40 plays, and we seeketh deliverance from the Valley of the Shadow of the Enemy Goal Post. Guide us past the Island of Revis and through the Land of the Blitzing Linebacker. I fear our enemy, for he comes from the Land of Snooki and their king, Rex Big Mouth, speaketh with much vulgrarity and toucheth the Foot of Woman."
And the Lord saith unto Tebow: "Rise from thy knee, you sissy and don the Helmet With the Green Dot. Did I not win for thee the Trophy of Heisman and the Championship of National? Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the Valley of the Shadow of the Enemy Goal Post, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to sack and tackle my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee."
And Tebow saith unto the Lord: "Is that from Ezekiel?" And the Lord saith "No, it's from Pulp Fiction. I wrote it for Quentin Tarrantino, but in kind of works here as well."
And the Lord saith unto Tebow: "I shall lead thee and thy people from the Valley of the Shadow of the Enemy Goal Post, past the Island of Revis and over the Land of the Blitzing Linebacker. I shall part for thee the Red Zone, and there will be great weeping and gnashing of teeth (and maybe I'll tear someone's ACL just for the fun of it). You shall RUNNETH, and you shall PASSETH (but mostly runneth, 'cause let's face it, your release is slow, your footwork sucks and you're just not that accurate. And if you fumble or throw an interception along the way, don't go blaming me because I only take credit for the good stuff). Men will cry out for thee,
and women will lay down their money to buy jerseys emblazoned with thy name for their children (Visa or Mastercard - I don't take American Express). Higher and higher shall thy standings climb in the ESPN power rankings and thou shalt have a good shot at making the playoffs. (Oakland's only in first because Al Davis is here and I had to do something to shut the pain in the ass up.)"
Thus Tebow did rise from his knee and don the Helmet With the Green Dot, and the voice he heard in the wireless microphone was not the voice of the offensive coordinator, but the voice of the LORD! And thus did he deliver his people from the Valley of the Shadow of the Enemy Goal Post and silence their king, Rex Big Mouth.
And there was evening, and morning, the Tenth Week.