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Printed from https://www.Writing.Com/view/1852128
Rated: E · Article · Comedy · #1852128
Marriage and prescription drugs
    My husband injured his arm walking our not-so-obedient dog. (Should the Surgeon General put a warning on those creatures?) His doctor prescribed a drug which came with a full sheet of warnings in bold font. The doctor was convinced the benefits outweighed the risks. I don’t know what kind of scale was used but it doesn’t seem that a heart attack, stroke or blood clot is equal to a sore arm.
I was concerned about the long term side effects of taking such a drug.

    I didn’t need to be.

    Within an hour my husband ran up to me, tongue lolling out one side of his mouth.

    “Thee that?”

    Looked like a tongue to me.

    He insisted his throat was swollen; his tongue was HUGE and asked what he should do. The symptoms sounded like an allergic reaction. Since he was still able to talk I simply suggested he stop taking the medication immediately. Because I don’t possess any cool medical credentials, the decision was made to call the doctor for a second opinion.

    His physician suggested he stop taking the medication immediately.

    This got me thinking about my own meds. Funny how I can breeze through life taking an aspirin a decade, then suddenly I’m on the AARP mailing list and I take so many pills it’s difficult to plan meals around them.

    I’m not blaming anybody, I’m just saying.

    The serious pill I take, as opposed to the silly ones, list “weight gain, hair loss and irritability” as side effects. Somewhere further down the list it advises “may cause loss of libido in men”.

    You don’t say.

    I’m fat, bald and cranky. I would run screaming from the man who got turned on by that.

    It’s a wordy disclaimer. Frankly I got bored halfway through but what caught my eye was “memory loss, wild mood swings, paranoia”………….

    It hit me. I suspect my husband, what’s his name, is experimenting recreationally with my drugs. He consistently leaves his heavy work boots at the top of the stairs in a passive aggressive attempt at collecting on my life insurance. When admonished for said infraction his response always “I forgot”.

    See? Memory loss.

    Talk about mood swings!  One minute that man is so sweet and kind my eyes well with tears when I think of how lucky I am. A second later he could be doing that thing he knows pushes me right to the edge but he does it anyway- breathing. All that inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, I can hear it from clear across the room. It’s hard to concentrate on anything else with all that wind sucking going on. Knock it off already!

    It’s enough to make a wife fantasize about that TV show, you know the one, the name eludes me right now, on the all woman network……….

    The show that always ends with the smiling widow leaning on her shovel admiring her new flower bed? Yeah, that one.

    I’ve seen the signs of paranoia as well. He thinks I’m writing about his tongue right now!

    I’d love to stay and chat but I have things to do. I have to go hide my pills because I think what’s his name might be taking them.

    I’ll tell you about it later.


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