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Rated: ASR · Short Story · Other · #1907982
This is how I am feeling on finals day...
Well, I took my final exam in neuropharmacology.  I do not know how I did.  Not so well on some questions, but extremely well on the extra credit questions.  So we will find out what that means for my grade in the end.  I had to take my friend home.  She took the test too, influenza and all.  I sometimes get tired of engaging in life, but I am glad that I do not have the flu on top of feeling the way I do about things.  I had a great visit with my psychiatrist yesterday afternoon.  I have trouble having fun and enjoying things, and I have trouble forgiving myself for mistakes, both purposeful and non.  I want to be one of those people who are counted among the forgiven and forgivable.  I do not feel like I am one of those.  People tell me all the time what a good person I am, but I just say to myself that they must not know me.  I get tired of feeling condemned.  Depressed.  Hopeless.  I am tired of it.  And this Mayan calendar thing - I decided last Friday or so that I do not want the world to end just yet because I want to see how it all turns out.  That is a big step for me, really.  Deciding I want to live.  Where did that come from?  I am still trying to figure that out, but it is what it is.  I guess I finally got on some meds that work.  And the VA is hopefully going to approve them soon.  I am just sitting here hanging out until it is time to listen to two hours' worth of presentations for my social psych class.  That is our final.  Each of us has or had to give a presentation.  I already gave mine.  On road rage.  Everybody is familiar with that, so I figure it was a good topic.  I am writing to get rid of some of the anxiety I feel.  But I have an ECT treatment tomorrow.  Thank you, God, for the ECT treatments.  They help so much with the depression.  They are a miracle treatment for me.  It is almost Christmas.  Wow.  Another Christmas.  I still have to get my spouse some more gifts.  But what?  That is always the hard part.
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