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Rated: 18+ · Monologue · Comedy · #1933843
For a class. Based on someone I know. Someone not named James.
Week 2 Assignment


I'm so glad I got outta that place. The politics was out of control and the managers were so totally inept that I couldn't even talk to any of 'em anymore without wanting to punch 'em in the face. Especially that Carlos. Man that guy was a piece of work. I'm a smart guy, you know? I've got a degree in engineering and in computer science! This hotshot just moves right in and takes over! Just because he's got a degree from MIT and speaks 3 languages fluently, they seem to think he's more qualified for the promotion than me? I say he needs to go back to Mexico and work in his own damn country. Not to mention the fact that I've got kids his age AND I've been with the company half my life.

Anyway, he's got the nerve to bust my balls for working from home! I mean come ON. I thought we were all grownups here! He said my productivity didn't match my logged hours. Such a load of horse shit. Then when he tried to pin all that internet porn "viewed on your laptop owned by the company" on me- that's when I really went through the roof! Anyone could've logged on to my machine and looked up smut- and I think I know who it was. It was that horse's ass Mel that used to work in finance, he's always had it out for me ever since I had him transferred for questioning the spending on my travel account. Besides, everyone knows if there's anyone who doesn't do the queer thing, it's me. I love the ladies a little too much, if you know what I mean. Just thinking about watching two dudes doin' it on a porno website for dudes with a preference for leather makes me want to puke. I think it should be against the law, myself.

The old lady was pissed of course. She's got to go back to work now, can't lay around on her fat ass all day getting manicures. Says it's gonna interfere with her volunteer work at the church. It's about time she pulled her 90 tons of weight around here anyway, I've been breaking my back working for that stupid company full of inept frat boys for 25 years now, the least she can do is contribute. We got into it the other night, she threw it in my face how she didn't finish school so she could put me through school so I could get a job and we could start a family. I think all she ever wanted from the start was to squeeze out a couple of puppies so she'd never have to lift another finger. All this talk about no education, haven't been actively working for 30 years, blah blah blah. It's all a bunch of excuses, and I'm sick and tired of it. I'm making a clean break from work, I might just leave her ass behind too.

The kids got wind of what was going on. You'd have thought I had a stroke or something the way they were carryin' on. "Oh Dad, how are you taking it?" "Dad, maybe you should go see someone, this is a big loss for you." What the hell do they know? I say this is the best thing that's ever happened to me! Those bastards don't know what they let slip away. The problem with the kids is they've been listening to that hippy shit they learned in school. I tell ya', I know kids are supposed to be smarter than their folks and all, and I'm OK with that, but what I am NOT OK with is kids meddling in their old man's business when they've got no life experience. Carrie (my girl) is a heart doctor so of course she thinks she knows everything anyway. Jonathan (my son) works with the UN as a human rights attorney so he's just as snotty but with an annoying touchy-feely thing to go with it. He's a real piece of work, by far the most difficult to deal with of the two of em. And he's so clueless, that's the thing that chaps my ass the most about him. He thinks he's got it so together because of this fancy job of his, but he's a train wreck in the rest of his life! By the time I was his age I had already been enlisted in the military (never fought, honorably discharged because of a medical condition), gotten married, had one kid and another on the way, AND held down two jobs at once. What does he have to show for all that education and time spent abroad studying? He's still living with his college roommate, Glen! They both graduated 5 years ago and they're still living together in that historic victorian number on the west side! Jeez, talk about failure to launch… get a woman and get on with it already! That kid always knew how to push my buttons the worst.

Even my friends are turning on me about this whole stinkin' mess. Carl, who I've been friends with since we were 10 years old suggested I go to a shrink! I couldn't believe it! Here's a guy who probably knows me better than my own wife even! We were having a good time, playing our usual Sunday 18, when he just came right out and said it: "James, I think you might need to go see a therapist to help you face some of the issues you're dealing with." I almost spewed my beer all over him. He babbled on about something about not wanting to face the truth, I really need professional help, blah blah blah. I mean really, what the hell for?! I'm not the one with the problem! He just shook his head and took his putt. I don't know what's gotten into everyone.

I'm not even gonna entertain the idea of going to some quack snake oil salesman so he can tell me I need to "be more in the moment". Screw that. I don't need anyone telling me how to think, and what kinds of feelings I'm repressing. I know myself better than anyone else, and I know I wasn't raised to waste my time wallowing in self pity. Oh sorry, I think they call it "compassion for the self". Maybe I'll start hugging trees and talking to my inner child, then they'd leave me the hell alone!

Maybe I'll just get the hell outta here. Leave all of 'em to flounder around without me. Things'll be verrry different without James around to fix their broken shit and clean up all their messes. Those people would be lost without me, it's a wonder they can go to the bathroom alone! No more James to change the oil in the car. No more James to do the taxes. No more James to collaborate the lie to your wife about where you really were last night. Screw em all. The company, the old lady, the kids, even my friends. The whole sorry lot. Buy a sailboat and move to Key West. Do some odd jobs down there to make ends meet, then spend the rest of my life on the beach sipping a daiquiri. What?! Lots of dudes like me drink daiquiris…
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